Nellie's POV

As soon as Paul left having made his promise to me about not letting me go I felt drained. I lied to him. It was the first time I felt ashamed of myself. Ever since Edward came back with Bella things changed. I changed. From the get go we had to make our choice and to me that choice was pretty clear. I never actually thought I'd be in a situation like this. Having a normal life was always a given to me. I was one of those people that liked having control over every little thing in my life.

I always dreamed of finishing high school, going to college, opening a small café slash bookstore, finding some great guy to live my life with and just enjoy being alive. As it turns out I got none of that.

I never thought about family in a sense that I'd get to have my own. I couldn't picture myself as a mum. I always thought of family as the one I had at home where I was the kid. Ever since Bella came home with the big news I had a feeling that I would do the exact same thing in her situation.

As a vampire I was frozen. There was no and they lived happily ever after for me. In that sense I understood Rose and her way of thinking. We had our choice taken away from us and we weren't going to let the same happen to our newest sister. As much as I felt bad about hurting Edward I knew I'd feel worse if I kept quiet.

It was because of that that I knew Paul was going to flip as soon as he finds out about it. That was also the reason why we tried to hide everything from his dad when he came to talk to me. Noah came to visit with information that would help me and the only thing I could do was hope he wouldn't notice the medical equipment just lying around. Our whole house was one big hospital. Carlisle was doing his best but there were too many questions that he couldn't give answers to.

Paul would never understand. The only thing that would matter to him was the safety of his people.

I barely managed to escape the hating zone he'd put us all in and actually became friends with him and it was the single best thing that happened to me since coming here. It was all going to end now and I would be at fault.

I lied to him. I lied to him as I begged him to stay with me. I didn't even flinch even though I knew I was going to hurt him.

I honestly felt like just crying. I needed my mum. I needed her to hug me and tell me it was alright for me to do what I did to protect my family. I needed her to tell me it was okay for me to feel angry and sad because a huge part of my dreams was ripped from me. It was okay for me to want to protect Bella's decision. I needed her to tell me that Paul would forgive me. But I knew he wouldn't.

How could he?

I was protecting something unknown. I was protecting a threat. Sometimes I wondered whether or not I was right but everytime I would feel that deep emptiness within me and I knew I couldn't leave Bella. I couldn't leave the dream I would want to come true for me too.

The day of reckoning came too fast. When Edward announced Jacob's coming I knew what was waiting for us. Bella was so sad because of the whole situation. She considered Jake and his brothers her own family too. She didn't want this. None of us wanted this but here we were. With no way back.

In the days before the fight that Jake announced when we were left alone at the house to allow the others to go and hunt to be prepared I started to feel even worse. I was pretty sure Bella and I had the same haunting look on our faces. I was drained. I wasn't even thirsty. No. The thirst wasn't there. I was just in pain. The fire was so strong it seemed like I was going through the change again. I could only hope Carlisle will come back soon enough so that we can try and find a solution together.

Paul. I needed him but he was nowhere to be found. Of course he wasn't. He hated me. I finally turned into the monster he thought I was.

Monica tried to get me out of the house. She was aware of the situation and figured that the Quileute boys won't want here down at La Push either. After all, she did visit quite often and she knew about Bella.

So finally she managed to talk me into going on a hike with her. We were close enough to the house but still far from the border. We didn't have to worry about running into the wolf warriors. I wanted to run into them, truth be told. I knew I wasn't that lucky.

I had no idea when I started to feel so strongly about Paul. Dude was a dumbass I would've never looked at twice back at my school. I figured that was the reason why I liked him so much. He was different in the best way possible. He challenged me to be better. I wasn't the little princess to him, I was a dark queen. So in order to be able to rule I had to throw away my darkness. Even when he tried to stay away from me and when we were getting the bond to break he was always Paul. Unpapologetically himself. It was always take i tor leave it with him. He wasn't the one to beg and I respected him for it. He knew what he had to do and he did it. All the rest didn't matter. He was thrown into the fighting pit and he fought. I missed him so much it hurt.

''Wait here.'' – Monica said breaking me from my daydreams. I nodded and watched as she took off towards a couple that was on a hike as well. I could hear them talk and I recognized one of Dylan's friends there. I did not want to have to explain that I wasn't Nell but Monica's cousin from Puebla. Luckly Monica knew me too well sos he went ahead to greet them to avoid us seeing each other later on. I could smell them too but the scent only made me sick. I was down with the vamp fever again.

''Mona. Hi!'' – Dylan's friend Jack greeted Monica with a hug which she returned. His girlfriend mimicked his greeting. Lydia. I remembered her name. She was a year younger than me.

''Hey. It's been so long. I haven't seen you in forever.'' – Jack scratched his head awkwardly.

''Yeah. After the fight with Dylan I figured I wasn't very welcome besides…that was the night…you know.'' – I knew too. He got in a fight with Dylan on the night I died. I was sad that their friendship was over. Jack was a good guy.

''I know. Yes yes.'' – Monica's voice had that fake enthusiasm ring to it. – ''WHat was that fight about anyway? You landed a few good ones.'' – Monica mimicked boxing moves at which both Jack and Lydia laughed. She was funny, my Monica. Even when she didn't mean to be.

''Yeah. I won't claim the title there. He came up to us when we were…'' – I got distracted as I sensed the familiar wolf scent. Seth was there and he had an aura of complete worry around him. It was time to go home. Just as I was about to call out for Monica she came back to me.

''I have to go home.'' – she told me. She was smiling a bit too wide. As if hiding something. I didn't have time to worry about it now. The pack was going to attack. I guess she could see that something was wrong and being the little smartass that she was she immidieatly knew what was going to happen.

''It'll be fine. Dylan may be an idiot but he said one thing right – when you find someone who loves you and accepts you completely you don't let them go. Paul is angry, so what? He'll get over it. You love him. And there's no use in pretending that you don't because I know you, Nell. Don't give up just yet.'' – Monica winked at me and went to retrieve her car that was finally fixed right when she wasn't able to go to La Push anymore. She laughed about the timing but I knew it hurt her too. After all she wasn't able to see Embry now.

Seth was flanking me the entire way home. Not so long ago I could outrun him without even thinking about it but my strength was waining and I wondered would I be the first vampire ever to actually die of natural causes. I could feel the burning sensation in my chest that was there for a few days now. It was getting stronger but I hoped if I ignored it it would go away. Guess not.

I got right on time. Bella was half crazy with worry and Rose was there for her. She was trying to get Bella to calm down. Edward's face was blank and once again I felt bad for going against him. There was no time to think about it, though. The pack was coming and an all out war would ensue if we don't try to keep us all under control.

I knew what I had to do. I had to use my power to slow them down. A few of the younger wolves never saw the fear projection in action so I knew they were bound to freak out and stop. I felt bad for them but we needed the advantage. Maybe we could avoid bloodshed. I hoped we would be able to do that.

The more time passed the more nervous I got. Just let it end already. I didn't even care anymore. I was burning up and I wanted nothing more but to wake up and realize it was all a dream.

We could hear them now. I noticed Edward crouching a bit. He was trying to figure out what their plans were. He lifted his right arm then and it was my time to shine.

There was a bitter feeling in me when I let the fear go through me. I forgot when was the last time I was out of control. I could feel the man that was haunting me breathing behind me but it only made the mist go further away. I heard a few of the wolf warriors whimper and howl in terror. I knew I could see what they were seeing if only I'd concentrate but I didn't want to. I couldn't bear it. I couldn't even be happy about the fact that the fear projection was working because at that moment something happened and when I lifted my eyes I could see Paul going after Emmett. Again. He was just blindly attacking. There was no thought no tactic. It was just blind rage. I could feel something breaking within me then. Paul was lost.

Sam howled and they started to fall back. There would be no war today. But someday. And I could feel that same drowning sensation I felt when I first heard about how I died taking over me again.

''Paul!'' – I yelled out without thinking. –''I didn't lie to you.'' – my voice was barely a whisper as I tried to find an explanation. What could I say? I didn't lie but I didn't tell you the truth? My brothers were next to me right away. Jasper could sense my distress and Emmett was there to hold me down as I cried. – ''Please! Please!'' – the chains fell from my chest and I could finally breathe but as I took a deep breath the fire within me started to rage in full force.

I was choking on my own thoughts and air. It hurt. Oh god. Oh god. Please. Please. Make it stop. I was burning. I was going to die in this fire that was consuming me from the inside. I could feel the deep thump of my own heart beating against all odds and I knew what it meant. Just like in Noah's story. I was going to become an unstoppable monster before finally being put down. I deserved it for being so blind and for wasting my time.

''Nellie!'' – one of my brothers screamed at me but there was nothing there for me. I had to stop myself before I did the things that would turn me into something everyone would hate. I kept reminding myself of Monica, of my family. Of the family I left at home in Port Angeles and in the end of Paul. I had to think of him now. He was the only one that was real. I was sure he would bring me to my senses again. He could do it. One kiss. Just like the last time and I would beat the poison. I would cut the rope off of which I was hanged if only he'd be there to help me up from the endless sea of darkness. I just needed someone to hold my hand as I fought for my life. I had to know I wasn't alone as I was that night walking down the street I've never seen before.

I don't remember closing my eyes but when I opened them again it was all over. Carlisle was back as well as the rest of the family. I was strapped to a chair in the medical room with machines going crazy around me. I could see tubes with the dark matter that was my own blood turned to venom. Carlisle was trying to find a solution but there wasn't one.

''There she is!'' – Monica was here too. When did she come? How long was it since I lost myself?

''Easy, Nellie. You're still weak.'' – Carlisle's cold hand was so gentle as he stroked my hair.

''What happened?'' – my throat was so dry. I needed to drink something. Anything. Monica's scent was too inviting and I had to force myself to think of something else.

''What Noah said. Only it happened faster than I thought.'' – Carlisle admitted. – ''How do you feel?''

''Like shit.'' – Monica answered for me. She was right. –''Can't you see her doc. Whatever is happening to her is killing her.''

''Her body is fighting the poison. It's like a reaction to a transplant. Her body is rejecting the blood but there's nothing else there so the body is pumping it to keep her alive while simultaneusly fighting against it. She is her own worst enemy right now.''

''Fucked up.'' – I could see the look of worry on Monica but she knew better than to let me wallow in self pity. – ''Good. Now that we got that cleared I'm gonna need you to get your shit together Nell. I'm not losing you this time.''- only Monica could manage to get a chuckle out of me in this situation.

''I'm running on pure vamp poison right now. I would be careful in your shoes.'' – I croaked out. My throat was still burning with thirst.

''Oh please. You and I both now that only I can pull off my shoes.'' – she was right. – ''Up you go now. Come on, doc, take that thing off her head.''

Carlisle did as Monica told him to do. Both of them helped me on my feet. It's been a couple of days since I was in this condition. Carlisle said it was like reverse transition only I had nothing else in my system but poison. I wondered if this happened sooner while there was still my own blood in my system would I turn back into human? Was that even possible? Were my body and soul really trying to get around the law of imprinting to make it right? It was too late anyway. It didn't matter anymore. Once again it was my turn to just live through what was thrown at me.

''Are you alright?'' – Carlisle was both a medic and a dad to me. My hand went up on it's own and landed on his face. He was such a dad that I had a need to just do what I always did to my own father. I felt the need to remind him that he should worry baout himself too.

''Just fine. Don't worry. I'll manage through this.'' – I will figt. I won't go down as a coward. If my own body wanted to turn me into a monster then I had news for it. I will put up such a fight that no poison will stand a chance against me.

''You need to hunt.'' – I knew that so I nodded. I was still swaying on my legs as I slowly went to my room to change from the hospital attire Carlisle put me in into something more comfortable. The silence was deafening. I guess having two memebers of their family slowly dying was taking a toll on all of them.

''Hello. Hello.'' – I greeted Bella and Jake who were talking about who knows what in the living room. Rose was sitting by the window trying very hard to ignore Jake.

''She's back, bitches!'' – Monica decided that was the appropriate way to announce my grand comeback. Jake laughed out loud. Apparently the two of them became friends lately.

''Nice hair, Nell.'' – Jake told me. So he was still seeing me as a non-Cullen Cullen. All of the boys from the pack somehow made a distinction between me and my family. It was like they either weren't aware of the fact that I was what I was or they just ignored it after some time. Jake was like that too.

''Thanks.'' – I winked at him as I used my fingers to comb through my hair. – ''How's everything?''

''Great. We're doing fine. You should take care of yourself first.'' – Bella was going head to head with Esme for the mum of the house. I nodded as I ruffled her hair before heading out.

I had to find Emmett and Jasper to help me hunt. But, to my surprise, it was Edward that came out of the garage to join me. I thought he was angry with me.

''I am not. I understand you. It's just hard to accept it in this…situation.'' – ah yes… I didn't even have to speak in front of him.

''I'm glad.'' – I was. I really loved all of my new siblings. I didn't like it when we avoided each other.

''Are you better? It looked bad.'' – It felt bad.

''I am. I guess. I don't really know, I guess. You know?'' – I had no idea what to think anymore. – ''I'm just…me. You know. It'll be fine. I don't go down easy.''

''No. You don't.'' – his words had more meaning to them then he let on. – ''There's something you need to know and then, after the hunt, you can decide what you want to do.''

''WHat is it?'' – he got me worried. Even more than I was.

''There's a piece of evidence that Jenks got a hold of. He told Jasper about it and I already knew from Monica. I mean…you know what I mean. Anyway, there was a meesage from the boy that was talking with Monica. The one she was supposed to meet that night. From that message it was easy to deduce that you weren't the primary target of the attack…'' – it was Monica.

''Oh god.'' – I knew what that meant for her. No wonder she was weird lately. I could notice when her expressions were sincere and when she was hiding something. I never thought it would be this.

''Do you maybe remember a message that she received? Maybe you opened it?'' – what message? Oh, that's right. I had her stuff with me and there was a message on it. But what was in that message? I don't remember opening it.

''I don't remember opening it. In fact I remember not opening it because I noticed it was Mona's phone. I would never touch it.'' – I could feel that was the truth. I never read that message. So why was it important?

''Are you sure?'' – Edward was trying to read everything that was in my head and I tried to lay everything in a way that would make the most sense to him and to me. –''Oh…you really didn't open it.'' . he couldn't believe it.

''Told you so.'' – I shrugged. – ''Why? What was in it?''

''The address of the warehouse.'' – he told me.

''But why would I go there even if I did read it, which I didn't? As far as we knew the guy wasn't a threat. If anything he was nice. Wasn't a creep and knew how to get a girl feel safe. That's what I got from the messages he shared with Mona and that's why Monica agreed to meet. In hindsight that was obviously a mistake i fit was him but…I wouldn't go there on that night just because he sent a message. If anything I'd try to call Monica to tell her and then we would go together.'' – so why didn't I do it? How did I end up there if I ignored the message?

''I don't know.'' – it seemed like there was a wall in front of us. The truth was on the other side but the other side was miles away.

''There's more, though? I don't need to read minds to see it on your face.'' – I learned how to read Edward. It wasn't hard. That boy had his heart on his sleeve.

''Monica received another message. A couple of days back. Paul was helping her.'' – what?! So they were hiding this from me?! – ''Don't get mad Nell. I would do the same thing. Monica is feeling bad, besides, Emmett and Jazz were always close enough in case things got ugly. Right now they are still only communicating over messages and the guy obviously thinks she doesn't know it was him. She's trying to lure him.'' – prey becoming the hunter. So fitting. It was totaly in Monica's style. It still made me angry that she would lie to me about it. Paul was upset that I kept things from him when he did the same to me.

That was it.

I've had enough of this situation.

I was going to lure him. I was going to fix this. I will fix this.

But first. I had to talk to someone.