AUTHOR'S NOTE: The start of this chapter occurs on the same day as the previous chapter, but follows Atem instead of Kaiba and Mokuba.

CHAPTER 19: IS IT GHOSTING IF YOU'RE ACTUALLY A GHOST?

DENIAL: Even Cary Grant couldn't save "Topper." Well, technically, he does save Topper, the person, but nothing can be done for the 1937 movie. Cary Grant and Constance Bennett play George and Marion, a pair of party-loving trust fund adult babies, who crash their car only to find out they've never done anything good enough for Heaven or bad enough for Hell. They're stuck on Earth until they can figure it out. Enter their friend, stuffy banker, Cosmo Topper, and the pair's mission: to teach their pal the only thing they know… how to enjoy life.

MORAL: It's hard to just drop in after ghosting your friends.

Atem waved to Jounouchi and crossed the street. He was glad he'd decided to walk to the Kame Game shop instead of taking the limousine.

Jounouchi shook his head as Atem fell into place beside him. "I'm heading to work," Jounouchi said.

They walked a block together in silence. Atem turned to Jounouchi and asked, "How has Yugi been? Really?"

"He's been fine! No better than fine! He's been great!" Jounouchi put his hands in his pockets and said, "I mean, he was sad of course, especially at first. He didn't talk much, but I know he was thinking about you." Jounouchi raised his shoulders and dropped them, with his hands still in his pockets. "I told him he could talk to us, but… that's Yugi. He's the strongest guy I know." Jounouchi grinned. "He gave the speech at our graduation. You should have heard him."

Atem smiled proudly. "I wish I'd been there."

Jounouchi nodded. "Well, you're here now… at least until you go back home to all those girls in gold bikinis and stuff."

Atem blinked in confusion. He'd heard – and ignored – Jounouchi saying similar things since he'd come back. "Girls in bikinis? What girls in bikinis?"

"You know! Paradise! You own the whole place. You must be like a rock star there, right?" Jounouchi shrugged. "I always figured one of the perks of being a rock star was all the hot babes."

"Jounouchi, for the last time: there are no girls in bikinis following me around!"

"Maybe you just never noticed. There's more to life than dueling, you know."

"There wasn't much dueling, either. Not until Kaiba showed up," Atem added with a smile.

"No hot girls and no dueling? Some paradise! But you like it there, right?" Jounouchi said anxiously.

"Yes, of course I do. It's beautiful. More importantly, it's home. I'd forgotten what a home was. What it's like to look at a place and know you belong there."

"Everything's okay, then!" Jounouchi clapped him on the shoulder. "To be honest, that's the one thing that would get to Yugi… you know, if you weren't happy. I think that's what kept him going at first, knowing he'd done right by you."

Atem nodded. "He did. Never doubt that." Atem grinned. "How are your plans to become a professional duelist going?"

"I talked to Mai. She said all I needed was a little exposure and she was sure I'd catch on with sponsors. She said she might be able to help, but it was all hush hush. Can you imagine me with sponsors and shit? All that mattered used to be your cards."

Atem sighed. It sounded foreign to him, too. "Times change," he agreed.

"Yeah and I guess I better try changing with them. Either that or get steam-rolled over. All I want is a shot. I know I can make it. And… it means a lot that Mai and Yugi and the gang are all in my corner. Mai especially. I mean, Yugi's my best bud. I knew I could count on him. But Mai didn't have to do a damn thing for me after I ghosted her for over a year." He laughed. "But she was great! When she got done yelling at me, we went right back to being… well… you know, friends."

Atem nodded excitedly, golden stalks of hair waving wildly with the force of his gesture. "I know exactly what that's like! It's how I felt when I saw Kaiba stomp into my throne room! He didn't have to come after me, but he did. It made me realize how much I missed him, how much fun it was having him bellowing like a belligerent hippopotamus in my face once more. He was glorious." Atem sighed. "And then he left and it felt like he'd taken the heat and the air with him, and I wanted them back. I had to see him again, whatever it took."

They reached the corner. Atem waved cheerily to Jounouchi and turned down the block to the Kame Game shop. Jounouchi stared after him, wondering if he'd just imagined Atem spewing the most ridiculously sappy shit about Kaiba, of all people. He shook his head, whistled under his breath, and hurried off to work.

Atem bounded into the Kame Game shop. Yugi was unpacking boxes and updating the inventory. Atem joined him behind the counter. He shrugged off the gold-trimmed black jacket that had clung to his shoulders like a cape. Yugi and Atem were both wearing blue sweaters and black jeans. Yugi's sweater was cotton. Atem's was a heavy silk jersey; his jeans had leather patches on the knees. Atem's gold breastplate peeked out of his V-neck collar; bracelets encircled each wrist. The Millennium Puzzle hung from its familiar chain.

"Thanks for keeping me company while I watch the store," Yugi said.

"It's a privilege not a chore," Atem answered. He opened a box and added, "I ran into Jounouchi on the way over. He was full of his plans to become a duelist. The only one I haven't seen is Anzu." Atem shook his head. "Calling or sending a text just felt too odd… too alien…"

"Don't!" Yugi blurted out. Atem stared, fascinated, as Yugi's face heated to fire engine red. "I haven't actually told her… you know… that you're here."

"Yugi?"

"At first, I figured Shadi would pop in, we'd duel and that would be that. It'd be over and you'd be gone before Anzu could even get a plane reservation. She missed you once already, with the whole Diva thing."

Atem nodded. "Uh... Yugi…"

Yugi drew in a breath and continued, "And then Shadi didn't show." Yugi shook his head. He stepped away from the counter. "It's just that she's been so happy in dance school. She said she'd forgotten what it was like to dance and hang out and have fun, without having to worry about saving the world. She'd almost forgotten what it was like not to be scared or sad. She put her life on hold to help us and now she's finally getting to live it again. She didn't say that. She wouldn't. But she didn't have to." Yugi gave up pretending to unpack boxes. He prowled around the store, his voice fading in and out as he moved among the shelves. "I couldn't take that from her. And once I didn't tell her, it was hard to know what to say, because whatever I say, she'll be mad."

"Yugi…"

"So, I figured a delay wouldn't matter. She has a big recital coming up for her end of the semester grade. And I knew if I told her, she'd rush home, even if it wrecked her semester." Yugi came back into view. "You know she would."

Atem nodded.

"And that didn't seem right either. Nothing did." Yugi started walking again, then spun around as though Atem had argued the point. "She has a right to live her own life. Even if she stayed at school, she'd feel like a terrible friend for putting herself first. And she shouldn't."

"Yugi…"

"I know. I know. I'm not being fair to her. She misses you. It's her decision. I can't make it for her. I kept telling myself it could wait. But that's just me chickening out. You're right." Yugi smiled. "Thanks, Atem. I couldn't have worked up the courage to do the right thing without you."

Atem's reassuring smile turned into a frown before it had fully settled into place. He drew in a breath. "Yugi, the things you said about Anzu… how she was feeling… is that true for you as…"

"No!" Yugi jumped in before Atem could quite finish his sentence. "Don't think like that! Ever! Promise?"

"I'll promise if you will too."

Yugi gave a quick nod. "You know, in some ways it was easier when we were together. We just knew what each other was thinking all the time, didn't we?"

Atem opened another box. "It felt seamless," he admitted. It was only now that he'd begun to wonder. How could he have shared everything with Yugi back then, when he was only starting to learn the contours of his thoughts and desires, now?

Yugi laughed. "I guess we have to learn to talk to each other just like everyone else. It made me feel special you know… that we had this secret way of communicating no one else could hear. Now, being alone feels special, too. I didn't expect that."

Atem's face cleared. "Neither did I."

Yugi came back behind the counter. He touched Atem briefly on the shoulder before returning to entering items on the store's computer.

Atem searched for something to say. It was another problem he'd never had with Yugi before. He suddenly chuckled. "Did you know that Kaiba thought you guys had dismantled the Puzzle with a part of me still inside."

Yugi grinned back. "Yeah, I figured that out at the tournament. I knew it was never about a duel; it was always about you. I couldn't be mad about that, no matter how badly Kaiba was acting." Yugi shook his head. "And then at the tournament… it was a shock, realizing that for all Kaiba was screaming about keeping you a prisoner for him to duel, he thought he was freeing you as well. There he was, doing all of this crazy stuff, almost bringing about the end of the world, and he thought he was rushing to your rescue." Yugi started to laugh, then stopped abruptly.

The questions, "Was he right? Did you need rescuing?" raced through Yugi's head, but before he could put them into words, Atem said, "He almost died to find me."

Yugi nodded. "Yeah, that sounds like him, too. But he didn't. And I'd never bet against Kaiba finishing whatever he started, no matter how nuts it sounds." Yugi paused again, then added, "You didn't see his face when I put the last Puzzle piece in and you didn't come back. Kaiba feels something for you… something big."

"I know," Atem said with satisfaction.

"What about you? Was that what you were trying to tell me the other day? It's okay if you don't feel the same as him."

"I do."

Yugi nodded. He made a mental note to tell Bakura he'd been right on the money.

Atem sighed. "There's always something else in the way. Even now, Shadi's still out there."

"And you said Pegasus has the Millennium Eye again," Yugi added.

"Kaiba thought so. I don't think Pegasus means to hurt us, but it's another reminder that we have a job to do." Atem shook his head, slightly. "At Alcatraz I tried my hardest to get Kaiba to move past his anger and bitterness before it strangled him where he stood. All I ever wanted was for him to live a full life." Atem stopped himself before adding, "...the life I never could."

"Without you," Yugi said.

"Yes."

Yugi rolled his eyes. "And you really thought he'd be okay with that? We're talking Kaiba, here." Yugi hesitated. "Did you feel that way when we were together… about Kaiba I mean?"

Atem frowned in thought. His eyebrows drew together. He pursed his lips. "I don't think so. It never occurred to me that I could feel like that, like you did with Anzu." Atem chuckled. "And then Kaiba barged into my throne room demanding a duel and everything changed."

Atem returned to the mansion before Kaiba and Mokuba. He noticed the constraint that followed the brothers in the room like a stray cat intent on staking out its territory. Dinner was a quiet affair. Kaiba ate a nutritionally sufficient quantity of food. He spent the rest of his time moving the remaining items around on his plate, forming them into increasingly complicated patterns until his dish resembled a mosaic. Mokuba went for the opposite approach, plowing through his food at warp speed, substituting chewing for talking. And yet, somehow, the atmosphere lightened throughout the meal.

They went to the game room afterwards and put on an about-to-be released action adventure movie. Judging from their grins, pirating the movie had been a much-needed brotherly bonding activity. By the time the movie, accompanied by Kaiba's running commentary on all the special effects blunders – punctuated by the occasional grunt of approval – had ended, calmness had been restored. Kaiba accompanied Mokuba upstairs to bed as usual, still ranting about the missed opportunities to expand the technical effects field.

Atem leaned back into the couch, relieved that whatever tension he'd noticed earlier had proven to be a petty, passing thing. Kaiba came back downstairs, still grumbling, stopping only when he and Atem were in the bedroom and the door was shut behind them.

"You were right," Kaiba said, abruptly switching topics.

"That's a first. That you're admitting it, I mean. Which one of the many times that I've been right are you acknowledging?"

Kaiba paced the room. "Mokuba. I never asked. I didn't have to, I thought I knew all the ways things could go wrong between us, all of the reasons why. But this is the one answer I never expected."

"What are you talking about?"

"He wants his brother back." Kaiba stopped pacing. He swiveled to face Atem. "Mokuba wants the brother he remembers from the orphanage."

"But, Kaiba… that's you."

"Not to Mokuba, it isn't."

"Mokuba's been scared this whole time that he's going to lose you."

"He has. He's lost the brother he wants, the one he told me about, the brother who was happy and carefree and smiled all the time." Kaiba whirled around as though looking for – and ready to fight – this unexpected imposter for Mokuba's affection. "I don't even know who that guy is. I sure as hell don't remember him ever being me."

"You must remember smiling at Mokuba."

"Of course, I do. Even at ten, I knew that if you want to convince a five-year-old that everything's going to be okay, you have to smile when you say it. And we won. I made sure of that."

"It's easy to mistake that for the real thing when you're five."

"How am I going to give Mokuba the brother he wants back, when that guy never existed in the first place? I'm all there is." The words: "and that's not enough," hung in the air, unsaid, but not unheard.

Atem wrapped himself around Kaiba, as though to lend him warmth, even the temporary comfort of body heat. "You guys love each other. I'll never believe anything else."

Kaiba shook his head, but stopped short of throwing Atem off. "I can't fix this," he said, his voice almost too low to hear.

"No matter what Mokuba said, how do you know it's as bad as you fear? Have you ever really talked to each other?" Atem challenged.

"Yes!" Kaiba paused. "No. I have no idea. I just thought I knew. I didn't."

"You still don't. Have you ever told yourself a story so hard you believed it? So hard you mistook it for the real thing?"

"No."

Atem considered arguing, then switched tactics. "You were bitterly disappointed when I left."

"So what? Is there a point here?" Kaiba snapped, but some of the wildness had left his voice.

"Simply that disappointment can be a mid-point, instead of the end of the road." Atem sighed. "Or maybe I just need to believe that if I keep moving, everything will work out. Mahaad is disappointed I'm not the pharaoh he remembers. Yugi worries every time he suspects that the Netherworld isn't enough. Jounouchi thinks I should be laying by a pool eating grapes. Everyone is sure of who I am, when I'm still figuring it out myself. And all I know is, whoever the Atem everyone else expects is, he'll never be me."

"Yes."

Atem stared up at Kaiba, open-mouthed. "What?"

"You can't be anyone but yourself," Kaiba clarified. "You might as well face it now."

Atem gasped, then started laughing; his howls turned slightly hysterical. He leaned against Kaiba for balance. "Maybe you should start listening to your own advice," he finally gasped out.

Kaiba's arms tightened around Atem. "Was that what this was about? Did you just set a trap card for me?" he demanded.

Atem's laughter settled into a gentle wheeze. "I ended up turning it on myself as well. I flipped over Respect Play and when we showed each other the cards in our hands, it turns out they're the same."

Somewhere over Atem's head, Kaiba smiled, suddenly feeling stronger, just when he'd expected weakness to finally win out. "Thank you."

"For what?" Atem asked.

"For reminding me that I'm someone who's never given up."

Kaiba lifted Atem up so he could kiss him more easily. "I wish you were still in a tunic," he whispered.

"Zippers aren't that complicated," Atem replied as Kaiba carried them both to his bed.

But they proved equally inefficient at removing each other's clothes, being more interested in stopping to explore every inch of skin revealed as another layer came off.

When they were finally naked, Atem moved up Kaiba's body to kiss him on the mouth. He was leaning in to complete the kiss, when Kaiba said, "Hold on."

Atem stopped.

Kaiba smiled. It seemed any synonym for "stop" worked equally well. Kaiba began running through words in his head, barely remembering to say, "Okay, I'm ready."

But before Atem could complete his second attempt at a kiss, Kaiba said, "Stop," again.

Atem paused, hovering an almost perceptible distance from Kaiba's lips.

Kaiba would have shaken his head in wonder, except that would have meant dislodging Atem. Here it was again. Atem should have been pissed at the way Kaiba kept interrupting him for no reason except that he could. But instead, Atem was waiting patiently for Kaiba to be ready to make the next move. Atem was waiting for Kaiba to feel at home, (even though, technically speaking, they were in Kaiba's home.) And no matter how many times it happened, it had all the charm of novelty.

Atem was waiting for him.

"Damn," Kaiba said, "You have no idea how turned on I am right now."

Atem chuckled at that, the sound as dark and rumbling as a wave under the Earth's crust. "I think I have every idea. Does that mean, 'Go?'"

"Go." Kaiba groaned the word into Atem's mouth as his own was claimed.

They moved across the bed, half wrestling, half teasing each other, counting each gasp or uncontrollable shiver as a point in an endless game.

Kaiba had discovered something through his repeated encounters with Atem. Whether you were talking about a computer circuit or a human body, wiring was wiring. It was knowable. He held Atem's leg in place to lathe the bend in Atem's knee with his tongue. Atem stiffened as if he'd been shot, half jerking his leg out of Kaiba's grasp. Kaiba flushed with pride. He was getting better and better at learning what Atem liked, at being able to reproduce the most satisfying effects. It was a matter of data compilation mixed with a judicious amount of trial and error; each new derivation had a higher probability of success than the last, with success defined as an increase in pleasure.

"I like figuring out what you like," Kaiba said.

Atem had twisted around and was teasing Kaiba's nipple with his teeth. Kaiba arched his torso upwards. Satisfied, Atem lifted his head and said, "So do I."

Kaiba was pretty sure Atem had no idea what a data set was, or why Atem's body was like the insides of a Duel Disk. It didn't matter. Atem didn't have to see exactly what Kaiba saw the way he saw it as long as Atem saw him. Kaiba moaned as Atem's tongue reached a particularly sensitive spot.

"You're not the only quick learner in the room," Atem said, before returning to his inventory of Kaiba's body.

"Knowledge is power," Kaiba murmured.

"Does that mean you finally agree that there are benefits to sharing? Is that another thing I'm right about?" Atem asked, angling for the last word.

"Shut up," Kaiba growled. But he conceded the point, encouraging Atem to continue his studies.

.

Thanks to Bnomiko for betaing this chapter!

AUTHOR'S NOTES: In "The Dark Side of Dimensions," Kaiba talks about keeping Atem as some sort of dueling prisoner, but he also seems to think that Atem is already a prisoner of the now broken Puzzle, so reassembling it would be a form of freedom. While Kaiba is clearly angry at Atem for 'running away' before they can duel, it's also clear he thinks this is what Atem wants. In a way that makes sense to me. The Ceremonial Duel talked a lot about Atem having to hang up his sword and shield, but Kaiba saw Atem eagerly take those items up in each duel and heard him talk about the road of battle stretching on as far as the eye can see. In this story I wanted to explore the possibility that Kaiba was partially right; that Atem would find it harder to leave the road of battle than he'd thought. At the same time, the Netherworld is his home and I think that would be important to him. I guess I see Yugi and Kaiba as both having separate insights into Atem. It's probably why my favorite dub line was, "You have your bond with him and I have mine."

On a side note, I like the idea that Kaiba and Atem are competing to see who can give each other the most pleasure!

Especially now, it's really nice to hear from people and know that people are still reading and enjoying the story.

Stay safe everyone!

SOCIAL MEDIA NOTE: I am on Tumblr, Dreamwidth and Pillowfort as Nenya85. Come check me out there!

To paraphrase Louise Rosenblatt, "A story's just ink on the page until a reader comes along to give it life." This is my way of saying that I'd really like to hear what you think. Please comment.