Chapter 17

Carlisle POV

"Carlisle!" I heard my Esme's worried voice call from Bella's room.

I had been in the woods speaking with my other children when I heard her. I wanted to give Bella some private time with Esme before I could begin her treatment. I had no idea what could have happened, but I did have my suspicions and they were confirmed as I walked in to see my wife holding Bella's unconscious body. She turned at the sound of my entrance, and looked up at me with eyes filled with sadness.

"Oh, Esme," I said softly and knelt down beside my wife. "What happened?"

She told me about how she had brought Bella into her new room, and as she looked around, Esme had to remind her twice not to breathe. "That's when I called you," she added quietly.

"She was probably just amazed by it. Bella is one-of-a-kind, and you certainly designed the perfect room for her."

"Do you think so?" her words were soft, but her eyes were desperate.

"I know so."

She gave me a grateful smile before moving her gaze to her unconscious daughter. I gave her a moment to think before saying, "And then?"

She looked up at me. "She seemed to snap out of it when I called your name. She took an exaggerated breath and quickly told me it was fine."

I lips twitched in amusement at the thought of Bella trying to hurriedly stop me from coming. She was just so unused to being taken care of that she tried to fight us off at every turn.

"What she actually told me is 'It's fine, Mom.'," continued Esme with a small smile. "It came out so naturally but when she realized what she said, she apologized profusely and looked down guiltily. She was ashamed that she had expressed her true feelings in a moment of weakness." She looked down at Bella again. "I tried to convince her that maybe she should just surrender and allow herself to believe that we are her parents now. When she looked up at me, I could see her desire in her eyes; this is what she wants, but she just won't allow herself…"

I took her hand and nodded for her to continue.

She looked up at me. "I've found the root of the problem, Carlisle." She took a deep breath. "I asked her to forgive herself. And that's when she fainted."

I thought I'd known the answer, but I knew immediately as Esme spoke that this was it. I hadn't known that I'd have to delve even deeper, if possible, into my findings.

"But Esme," I said with a pained look on my face. "She has nothing to forgive herself for. It's not her fault."

"And I know that as much as you do." She took my hands in hers. "But she, deep, deep down, truly believes that it is all her fault."

"What exactly does she believe is her fault?"

My wife raised a questioning eyebrow. "As if you don't know."

"I think I do," I said hastily. "But I just want you to confirm that what I'm thinking is true."

"It always is," she said with certainty.

"Oh Esme," I said, stroking her cheek lovingly. "You regard me too highly, my dear. But how I wish it was true."

She took both of my hands in hers. "Carlisle. Bella thinks that our leaving her, that her parents' leaving her, and that her friends' leaving her is her fault. She thinks that we left because of her weaknesses, her inability to hold us here. She's convinced herself that she is undeserving of our mere presence."

She gave me a moment to get my thoughts in order. "But, like you said, we are what she wants."

"This is true," she said softly. "But she's having so much trouble because it goes against everything she's trained herself to believe."

I ran a hand through my hair. It was worse than I'd thought, and it was going to be just as difficult to resolve.

Alice POV

"Edward, Bella is fine," I lectured as he struggled against Emmett's hold. "She has simply fainted because she and Esme were covering some tough topics."

"Esme sounded terrified," he said through clenched teeth.

"She wasn't terrified because Bella fainted," I continued tiredly. "Bella was so happy about her new room that she stopped breathing. But she's breathing now."

His struggles lessened. "I want to go see her."

"Dad asked us to stay," said Rosalie. "Wait until he—"

"Not a word from you, Rosalie," Edward snarled. Emmett tightened his grip fiercely.

"Enough," said Jasper. We all immediately felt much more relaxed than before. I gave him an appreciative glance.

At that moment, we heard Carlisle's voice call, "Children!"

As Edward was released from Emmett's arms, he shot off like a bullet. I tried to follow as fast as I could. "Edward, wait up!" I whined. If he had been listening to my thoughts, which I'm sure he had been, he knew that I was equally worried about Bella's condition.

He ignored me and continued on. I pushed myself to go faster, and was awarded with second place.

"Where is she? Is she okay?" Edward was asking rapidly, fast enough for only vampire ears. I rolled my eyes. Hadn't I already answered these questions?

"She is fine, Edward," answered Carlisle calmly. "She is in her room. Please do not disturb her. He is currently unconscious and will be waking shortly. We want her to come to terms, on her own, with what she and Esme had discussed. She was overwhelmed."

Edward gripped his hair by the roots. Carlisle placed his hands on Edward's shoulders. "She will be alright, son. It will just take time." He was silent then and I could tell that a silent conversation was going on between them.

Edward's eyes widened in despair as he heard Carlisle's thoughts. He threw his arms in the air in frustration. "I should've known!" he shouted. He began to pace as if he wanted to run but had nowhere to run to.

"That's no fair!" moaned Emmett. "I wanna know!"

Rosalie shook her head at him with an unfathomable expression on her face. Esme smiled in amusement.

Carlisle said seriously, "We have discovered the source of Bella's perverseness."

"You have?" asked Jasper inquisitively.

I was so excited that I couldn't wait for his response. I scanned the future to see what he would say, and, a second later…

"She blames herself." The last word rang out in the silence. After a few moments, Carlisle finally said, "So? Any thoughts?"

"That is so Bella," I said.

"I should've known!" Edward repeated loudly. "It was so obvious."

"It's alright, bro," said Emmett seriously, nudging Edward with his elbow. "We'll get through this."

Rosalie gasped. "Everyone! Listen!"

There was silence except for a rapidly accelerating heartbeat…

Bella POV

I came to in a rush. When I opened my eyes, I didn't know where I was. As I looked around at the room and its perfection, it all came back.

Esme was in here with me before. She'd said this was my room.

I had a room in the home of my dreams? It was so unreal.

Esme had also talked to me about something important that I couldn't really recall. I gasped as it all came flooding back. I had called Esme "Mom".

I know I had asked earlier if I could do this, but upon further exploration of who I was, I knew that it wasn't right, that I didn't deserve it. I have never wanted anything more in my entire life than to call Carlisle and Esme my parents. I blinked at the realization. That wasn't a good thing.

She had nearly convinced me to call her that, too. But surely she wasn't serious. She'd just wanted to make me feel better.

Her words echoed in my mind over and over. "You need to forgive yourself."

My lip began to tremble in anxiety and my heart rate began to increase dangerously.

"I need to get out of here," I whispered between gasps. "This is my last chance."

I stood up and immediately felt dizzy. My chest throbbed painfully and I bit my lip to prevent a yell from escaping me. Holding onto the bed for support, I slowly and silently made my way towards the window. I tripped and fell when I was almost halfway to my destination.

I had landed on my face. I was blinded by pain as my nose shifted grotesquely and my injured ribs were beaten once more. I couldn't move.

"Dad!" Edward bellowed almost breathlessly. His voice caused me more pain than my injuries. I didn't want him to see me like this.

Cold hands lifted me from the floor and replaced me on the bed. It was Carlisle. "Oh, Bella," he was saying miserably. "I'm so sorry."

I tried to protest, but I couldn't speak. I managed to shake my head.

"Bella, you don't know what you're talking about. I am going to get you some pain medication. I'll be right back." He stroked my cheek before disappearing from the room.

This is when I noticed the presence of the rest of the family. I blushed from embarrassment, but not even Emmett smiled this time.

"Edward," I tried to get out. He seemed to understand me as he always did and appeared at my bedside.

"Yes, love?" His face was tragic.

I wished that he could read my thoughts.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," he said immediately.

I shook my head again to this reply. They needed to understand that this was the truth and not just some statement of martyrdom. I was ashamed, but I needed to be honest. "I tr-tried to leave," I said softly and began to cry.

"Don't be upset," said Edward gently as he began to kiss my hair.

I was so angry at myself and I was desperate for someone to share in that anger with me. An idea came to me.

"Rosalie," I managed to say. She raised her eyebrows in surprise.

"Yes?" she asked. Her face was… sympathetic?

"Please, Rosalie," I said. "Tell me what a horrible person I am. This is what I need right now."

She shook her head with a frown. "I don't think you're a horrible person, Bella."

I was so frustrated. "But I am!" I tried to get up but Edward pushed me back down.

"She really thinks that," I barely heard Jasper say.

Rosalie was shaking her head in disbelief. "She shouldn't."

Carlisle appeared hesitantly in the hallway. "Bella, I certainly don't want to cause you any more anxiety, but…" He couldn't seem to finish what he was saying. I looked at Edward, alarmed.

He looked at me with wide eyes, willing me to be cooperative. "He's going to have to give you pain medicine intravenously."

I gulped. Needles, I thought and immediately started shaking my head rapidly.

He threw his head back in exasperation. "Bella, please just tell me why."

"Two reasons," I said quickly as if that would help the situation. "One, I don't like needles. But, more importantly, two…" I closed my eyes at this indisposed truth.

"Two?" he prompted.

I kept my eyes closed as I answered quietly, "Two… And before I say it I wish you'd really consider it because it's the truth. I don't want the pain to go away."

There was a silence before Alice's voice asked, "Why, Bella?"

I shook my head in embarrassment. "I don't want to talk about it. You won't believe me anyway."

I opened my eyes to see Carlisle and Esme exchanging knowing looks. That reminded me… Esme knew why, and she must've told Carlisle. And by the looks on everyone else's faces, they knew too.

Carlisle wheeled the IV cart inside and my heart began to beat rapidly once more. He put on his sterilized gloves and began the process.

"Carlisle, please don't," I pleaded, trying to scoot away from his direction but Edward was holding me in place.

"Close your eyes and you won't see the needle," he said calmly.

"But my second reason," I said so softly that only they would ever have been able to hear me.

Alice appeared on the side of the bed opposite Carlisle and Edward's. She took my face in her hands and said, "Look at me, Bella. Let's talk."

"I don't want to talk," I said nervously.

"Yes you do," she said. "What's going on?"

"Um… Nothing much…" I was nervous and confused by Alice's question. Nothing was going on. My life was an empty void.

"How do you like your room?"

My heart nearly leapt with joy as I heard her call this place my room. I could feel myself relaxing as I began to talk, "Esme is amazing. She knows exactly what I love. It's unbelievable."

"It is," she nodded, agreeing. "What's your favorite part?"

"The books," I answered immediately.

She laughed her wind chime laugh and I found myself completely immersed in this distraction even when I felt cold hands lift my unwilling arm.

I didn't allow myself to become apprehensive as I looked into Alice's eyes. "The books? I was hoping you'd say the clothes."

"The clothes? I have clothes here?"

Her face became truly excited. "Oh, you haven't seen them? I'll be the first to show you?"

"Yes!" I said, delighted that I had pleased her.

"As soon as you're feeling better, than," she said happily. "Oh, Bella, you'll love them."

I began to become drowsy and I realized that the IV must have been inserted and medicine was being released into my system. I could feel the throbs in my face and chest begin to lessen. My head was still held gently by Alice's hands.

"Clothes. Yay." I tried to sound sarcastic through my slurs.

She laughed. "Sleep, Bella. You'll feel better soon."

"I sleep too much," I said indistinctly.

"It's okay," she said from far away. "You're healing."

And then I was out.