He tried to calm himself down. This was going to be a serious confrontation and he didn't want to do it while she was still in pain and half-sedated. It would have to wait.

————

Chapter 19

He busied himself making a meal for the two of them, and she quietly appeared a few minutes later. Hair still damp, but skin pink and warm looking. She was dressed in her own clothes, some she must have left in his room. He smiled in spite of himself. "Feeling better?" he asked.

She nodded. "I want to run up to the cottage and pick up some things, and come back here." It was a statement but she said it as if it was a question, looking for not approval or permission but perhaps understanding?

He nodded. "Sure, let's eat and I'll walk up there with you."

She bristled slightly at the idea that he wanted to accompany her but she was still feeling a little shaky and wouldn't mind the company.

That evening they'd eaten the leftovers of the soup he'd made at lunch and she retired to the bed early, curling up next to him as he read a PADD. She'd made a comment that she didn't understand why she was so sleepy still and Chakotay had told her about the extra large dose of relaxant she'd been given. Feeling justified in her languor, she'd pulled the blanket higher around her and closed her eyes, enjoyed the heat of him near her.

She woke late the next morning, still stiff but overall better. Chakotay was gone and the house was quiet. She wandered into the other room to find a message from him saying he'd gone out with Ayala and would be back in the afternoon.

She busied herself with the work she'd brought with her, wandered up to the garden to check on the status of her plants, and generally kept herself busy. Chakotay returned in the afternoon rather distant and distracted. Something was wrong. Kathryn wasn't sure if she should press him or let him come to her. She decided on waiting for now.

The following day was similar. Chakotay remained a bit aloof, though she couldn't put a finger on exactly what he was doing. He was friendly, they discussed their day, but a spark, the buzz of electricity that usually snapped between them was gone.

That afternoon Kathryn stood and stretched, wincing as her shoulder protested at the movement. "You can take an anti-inflammatory for that, you know?" Chakotay said to her. "I have one programmed into the replicator. It will probably help, there was a lot of tissue damage..."

She waved him off, declining. "It's fine, Chakotay. Just needs some time."

He studied her carefully. "You don't need to do penance for your mistake by letting yourself be in pain, you know," he said.

"What!?" she asked, taken aback by the insinuation.

"You don't need to punish yourself," he repeated.

"I'm not," she replied suspiciously.

"Aren't you?" he pressed.

"Chakotay, what is this about? Is there something you want to say to me, because please just do it," she said bitterly.

He softly laid down the pencil and paper he was making notes on and neatly stacked them on top of the PADD. He slowly rose to face her. "I want I know what the hell you were thinking," he said with the controlled anger audible in his voice. "What were you thinking heading up into the mountains, in the dark, and not giving anyone a word of warning about where you were going?"

Her brow furrowed. "I wasn't thinking anything. It wasn't particularly dangerous, just bad luck," she defended. "Why are you so upset ab—"

He cut her off abruptly. "This isn't StarFleet, Kathryn. This isn't Voyager! There is no transporter to get you out of a dangerous situation. There is no EMH or sickbay to you bring you back after you smash your brain on a rock. Hell, there probably isn't a doctor within 200km of here!" His frustration and anger were masking the fear he felt and it was all bubbling to the surface.

"I know that," she said sharply. "I'm not an idiot, Chakotay."

"Then why were you acting like one?" he spat.

She drew a sharp breath at the blatant insinuation. Before she could respond he went on. "No courtesy to say where you were going? You just disappear into the mountains during a flash flood and think no one will notice or care?"

"Stop treating me like a child, Chakotay," she replied.

"I'm not treating you like a child. Having concern over a friend isn't treating you like a child, it's what people do for one another. Have you forgotten that?"

"I didn't ASK you to be concerned over me. To worry—" she started to say, her voice rising with anger as well.

His eyes went dark. The angry warrior she had met years ago didn't come around very often anymore, but he was still there. And he was magnificent. Eyes were blazing, skin flushed. He looked alive and enraged, and very dangerous. Kathryn didn't want to be aroused at the sight of him but couldn't really help it. "Didn't ASK me to be concerned? Didn't ASK me to worry?" He voiced dripped with sarcasm and irritation. "You ASKED me to worry when you pushed me onto the bed. You ASKED me to worry when you kissed me. You ASKED me to worry when you showed up on this planet. You ASKED me to worry when you sent me these." He pulled the small pouch with the diamonds in it from around his neck and tossed it on the table in front of her. 'How long has he been wearing that?' she wondered. "You ASKED me to worry over you when you stopped me from killing Tom Paris on your bridge and when you let me offer to destroy my ship in the Caretakers array. You DID ask me to be concerned for you. A hundred times you did." Panting after his vehement speech he paused to catch a breath.

A little stunned by his reaction, she could only muster a small "since then? Since the Caretaker?"

"Yes. Since the Caretaker." He looked at her, not blinking, not breaking her gaze. "And now you're here. Only you're not the Captain anymore, not here. You're not the one who gets to pretend to be invincible, to never let anyone worry over her, or allow herself to show any weakness. There is no captain on Dorvan. There's just Kathryn, who needs to admit she's not the Captain, that she's not without question, not invincible, and not above letting her friends be concerned over her." He called her out on her behavior.

She had tried. She had tried very hard. It was safer being the Captain. It was safer to not have to show that you were vulnerable, that you couldn't do it all. It was emotionslly safer to not have to think about how your friends and family would react to your actions. When you were the Captain, they couldn't question you. When you decided, when you acted, they had to follow orders. If she wanted to be reckless, she could do so. If she wanted to isolate herself and be alone, they had to respect her. That was much easier. She could take risks and knowing there were good reasons for those risks, no one could question her.

He was still staring at her, breathing hard. She stared back at him. "I don't think those things," she said with short, clipped syllables leaving no question as to how angry she was at his words.

"Oh no?" he replied sarcastically. "You're not behaving recklessly, and pushing away your friends, not letting us know you need help, and treating those you love with total disrespect because you can't believe they care enough to push back on your horrible decisions? Well, let me tell you something, Kathryn. You are all of those things. And right now, I am pushing back, and you are driving me insane." He approached her silently, like he was a hunter stalking his prey. He looked down on her smaller frame like he couldn't decide whether to throttle her or kiss her. She looked up at him without changing her stance of defiance. She too couldn't decide whether to be afraid of him or to pull him to her and kiss him back.

She continued to look at him, jaw sharp and teeth clenched in opposition. His hand came up and reached for the nape of her neck, tangling itself in her hair where it curled softly against the heat of her neck. He used it as leverage to pull her towards him. She gasped as the heat of him sank through her clothes onto her own skin and she felt her body respond in kind. Her eyes dilated, pupils so large he could barely see the ring of blue surrounding them. He kissed her hard. Lips bruising onto hers, forcing blood to the surface. His tongue demanded entry and she parted her lips for him as her pelvis thrust towards him involuntarily. His one hand remained tangled in her hair, holding her to him. The other pressed into her back, then slid down her spine to her low back, pressing her small hip into his, and then down to her buttock, where it clamped on and lifted, fitting her snugly as the joints of their bodies fit together. She broke off the kiss abruptly and pulled back to look into his eyes. His eyes were still black, pupils blown with a combination of desire and anger. Her nails scraped the back of his shoulders as she pulled him towards her again, tongues fighting for supremacy. She nipped at his lower lip. He growled at the sensation, a feeling coming from deep within him. He let go of her leg where he had it pinned around his waist, where it had allowed his groin to fit perfectly against her heat. She made a noise of displeasure at the disappearance of the pressure. He used his free hand to grab both of hers, then using both of his hands, he quickly spun her around against the wall near the door to the bedroom, her hands pinned over her head. Her body bucked against him as he leaned into hers, letting her feel his chest muscles against her smaller shoulders, his abdominal muscles like a brick wall against the futile pressure of her body writhing against him. The length of him was large and hard against her hip bone. She tilted against him on purpose and he growled again and pulled her hands taut.. She whimpered slightly at the stress on her shoulder but he didn't loosen his grip. His head leaned down towards hers and he spoke into her ear, "You want reckless, I will show you reckless." He tilted his pelvis into hers where he knew the expanse of him would hit her center. She muffled a groan at the sensation. He held her there as he bent to kiss her again, tongue moving from her lips across her jaw line to where it hit her ear. He held both wrists still above her head in one hand and the other hand dropped to her waist, working his way under her clothes to feel the heat of her skin. He cupped her butt cheek possessively and then worked his fingers toward her center, sliding into the moist folds. Her body bucked against him, hands pinned tight as iron by his one hand. "You want dangerous?" He hissed into her ear. "You come to me. I can be dangerous." His fingers curled against her hot wet center and her body bucked again. Oh yes, he was dangerous.

She finally broke both her hands out of his grasp, which he tolerated as he wanted both hands available to explore her body. Keeping her pinned to the wall with the pressure of his knee and the one hand still in her underwear, the other moved up under her shirt to cup her breast. He ran his finger over the top edge of her bra and then pulled it down, exposing her puckered nipple. He circled it with his thumb and then pinched it, smiling as he felt her body jerk in response. Her hands free now, she moved them under his shirt, feeling the expanse of his skin, fingernails dragging not so lightly across his back. He hissed at the pain, welcoming it. Her deft fingers worked their way into the waistband of his pants, feeling for soft skin over rock hard muscle. She jerked at his pants, getting them over his hips, then found the length of him, hot and rigid, with velvet skin, and pulled a couple times, hard. He winced, knowing he would be sore tomorrow, before using his teeth on the soft skin above her collarbone. She would be too. He deftly stepped out of his pants, leaving them puddled on the floor.

Drawing a fast breath at the sting from his teeth, she panted "I didn't come here to have someone tracking my every move." She curled her leg over his hip and pulled, forcing him closer to her. He pulled his hand away from her heat and cupped her buttcheek again, harder to him.

"I didn't drag you back from death a hundred times in the Delta Quadrant in order to watch you treat yourself so carelessly here." His hand moved from her nipple to hold the back of her head again and she made a noise of protest at the loss of sensation. He snugly fit his fingers back through her hair and forced her head up to look at him. His other hand was making short work of her pants and they soon joined his in the pile on the floor. She stared at him through heavy lidded eyes, half closed with desire, but the pupils behind them were still sharp and sparkled with fury.

"I'm not going sit quietly by and let you tell me if and when I should go or stay. I didn't climb the ranks and then give up an Admiralty in order to be manhandled by...by..." her eyes narrowed. If he wanted a fight, he was going to get a fight. "By a subordinate."

He swore under his breath. He reached around her leg, still pinned by his and drew her ankle to his waist. Then in one swift move he lifted her, one hand under her leg and the other still holding the nape of her neck. He half stumbled, half walked into the bedroom, carrying her, his lips locked with hers as their tongues fought each other for supremacy. He twisted as they went through the doorway and he continued walking backwards towards the bed. The back of his knees hit the edge of the bed and he fell backward. She fell on top of him, knees holding his hips as tight as her smaller thighs would allow. She grinned at him and then pulled the shirt from over her head in one movement, before leaning down, one hand on either side of his head. He used his hand, still on the back of her neck to pull her to him to kiss her hard. His other hand trailed up to meet her bra strap. The lacy black one, he noted, that he'd seen the other day. His hand trailed the edge of it and he was pleased to feel her skin pucker in goosebumps. He felt her shiver with anticipation, and, taking the advantage while he had it, used his leg to pin hers and used the leverage to flip her. She was on her back, he grabbed her wrists and held them above her head again. He truly did have her pinned, his muscular thighs straddling hers, despite her efforts to move him. He leaned down to her, using his weight on his hands to hold her wrists unmovable, and she knew it. The rest of his body hovered mere inches from her. He was using the closeness or lack there of as a means of eroticism and it was working. "I agreed to be your First Officer on a volunteer basis. I had my own ship long before you ever did. I took orders from you during my career because it was the right thing to do, but NEVER ONCE," his voice lowered to a hiss, "did I consider myself your subordinate." As he leaned down to kiss her mouth, and then trail his tongue down her neck he heard her whisper "Good." He reached under her to unclip her bra and quickly exposed all of her to the air. Keeping her arms pinned above her, he skimmed his tongue along her collarbone, down her breast, circled her nipple and watched ins satisfaction as it puckered. He felt her hips push against him. His eyes had been closed and now he opened them to see her looking at him with a look of desire, supplication, but also a warning that while he may have the upper hand at this moment, he should not get too used to it. He smiled back, content in the knowing of her mind, and released her hands. This allowed him to use one hand to explore the most private part of her, hot and ready, while using the other hand to creep toward her breast, his calloused thumb flickering dully over the nipple. Crying out softly at the sensation, she used her newly freed hand to mimic the sensation on his own tight nipple, while her other hand hunted for his length. Finding it, she brought it to herself, giving a pinch of his nipple as he gave himself to her with a groan. The change in sensation and fullness was almost enough to push her over the edge. Instead she shifted her weight to change the pressure point to prolong the moment before shifting back. Sensing the change, Chakotay altered his rhythm to meet hers. She rode her tidal wave as he began his, movements becoming more irregular and less refined. As they both collapsed, catching the breath and radiating heat from sweaty bodies, he hugged her tight and rolled, keeping them joined, so that she was laying on him. Her lighter weight felt like nothing to him whereas for him to collapse on her would practically smother her.

They lay silently for a moment, then remembering what had started the whole thing, she intertwined her hand in his and brought it to her lips. Her head was resting over his heart and she could feel it thumping away, fast, but slowing at his recovery. "You're right," she said. "I'm sorry, I should be more aware of my surroundings and," she closed her eyes as if it was painful to admit, "those that are looking out for me."

"It can be dangerous out here, for all its simplicity, it is still uncivilized and very remote," he chided her gently, not wanting to be overbearing.

"It's been a very long time since I've had to think about whether or not someone was worried about me. It's only been a few months that we've been back. It feels like forever, and yet, I still keep all my old habits. Plus...acknowledging that someone might worry is also admitting that I might actually be vulnerable, and that wasn't my strong suit BEFORE Voyager and the Delta Quadrant. But I will try, for your sake." She risked a slight glance up at his face, but saw only a look of concern.

"Kathryn, it's SUPPOSED to be hard. Giving yourself to another person is suppose to make you vulnerable. That's the point." His hand was absentmindedly making circles on her bare back. "If there was no risk to sharing your love, your life, with someone, it wouldn't have any value."

She thought about that for a moment, considered the source. "And if the risk results in someone abusing your affection, manipulating it, or not knowing what to do with it once you had it..." She didn't finish her thought. She didn't have to. He knew she was referring to Seska. And Seven.

"There is always a risk," he replied somberly. "But for all your reputation as a reckless leader, you make up for it by not risking any of yourself. Let yourself depend on others. We all need to do that here on this planet. To not do that, you put others at risk."

That statement shocked her to her core. The knowledge that he was right made her heart sink. He could feel the change in her, feel the euphoria of their lovemaking leave her body, feel the heaviness land on her shoulders, and saw the brief wave of shame cross her face. Taking his chance, because he knew she needed this point driven home, he took it. He was no StarFleet trained psychiatrist but he knew PTSD and reentry fatigue and survivor's guilt. "If you hadn't made it off that mountain that night, what do you think would have happened? Who do you think would be searching for you, in the mud, by the raging creek. Me? Ayala with Steph and Zev? Naomi and Sam and Grek? B'Elanna with the baby in the sling? Do you think anyone of them would have stayed home while you were missing? Not for a minute. You know as well as I do they would be combing the area and then tracking you right up that muddy and washed out hillside. And you never know that something would not have happened to one of them." She had a vision of Naomi falling into the swollen creek and Ayala's boys slipping down the mountainside and she paled considerably.

"Why have you been hiking up there?" he asked quietly, wondering if he could get to the bottom of her strange behavior.

"It truly was just an accident, Chakotay. I couldn't sleep because it was...well, I just couldn't, and so I walked and, like I said, the view is fabulous. I've been meaning to take you up there and...".

He cut her off. He believed she was telling the truth about ending up in the rain, but why was she searching in the first place. "Because what?" he asked.

"Because what?" she parroted, not following.

"You couldn't sleep because it was what?" he pressed.

Taking a deep breath against him, she said "The anniversary of the day Joe Carey died."

"So you couldn't sleep." He said it as a statement but one that he didn't understand.

"No," she admitted. It was time he knew her for the wreck she was. "Sometimes it's fine, and sometimes it becomes overwhelming. I can know what day it is and move on, but sometimes it just becomes too much."

"Know what day it is?" he questioned, not following.

"The day they died," she answered.

"The day who died?" he asked.

"All of them," came the quiet reply, sounding as if she was miles away.

"You remember the dates? Of every person who died in the Delta Quadrant?" he asked, astounded.

"Don't you?" she sounded surprised.

"No. A few I could, and I could probably tell you the month or the time of year and what year, but not the day, not for all of them. You do?"

"A date for all 44 souls that we left in the Delta Quadrant, and a few more dates of...events...that I can't shake. I can't forget them, I can't not acknowledge them, but I also can't live with the constant memory of it. It's...not what I expected after our return. It makes me understand Admiral Janeway a little better." Her mouth twisted into a crooked smile. She still suddenly, afraid of her next thought. "Perhaps...perhaps?..." she repeated even more quietly. He strained to hear her, even though her head was under his chin. "What if it was too soon for me to come here? What if I can't? What if I am too broken? Too hard to fix? Too burdened by the journey? I think 7 years was still too long. I..." her voice broke and was even more hoarse when she started speaking again. "I think I cannot possibly have the life I want, because I do not deserve to be alive when they are not."

"You can and you do," he replied, holding her firmly to him. "The rest of us are here because of you. We are alive because of you. And you should have the life you want and that you deserve. If you do not get the life you want, then neither do I, and we have waited a long, long time, Kathryn. We both deserve this. We deserve more than this, but we can at least have this, if we can agree to work on it. Together."

"I think that if I can have you with me, I can get through anything. But the thought of needing you to such a degree is terrifying. Because what happens if something happens to you? Then what will I do?" she asked.

"Then you will get up the next day and be with your family. Because we are all still here. There are no guarantees in life. You knew that in the Delta Quadrant. It's not different here."

"In the Delta Quadrant I wouldn't let myself act on my feelings because the risk was too great. Now that particular risk is gone, but it still feels hard," she admitted.

"It is hard. But that is why we are here. Together." He shifted her to the side and leaned over to the bedside table. She wrapped herself in the sheet, watching him curiously. He pulled something out of the drawer and handed it to her. It was a small cardboard cylinder. She'd seen it before, the day she arrived on Dorvan and the old man had handed it to her

"Did you take this from my things? I thought I misplaced it. I couldn't imagine where..."

He winced. He'd hoped she hadn't noticed when he slipped it from her bag. "Sorry," he admitted. "I hoped you wouldn't notice. I wanted to fix this for you." He turned the tube over and something fell out. The emerald he had left for her tumbled into her waiting hand. Instead of being a simply beautifully cut gem, now it was in a ring setting. A simple gold band, set with tiny gems around the border. It was elegant and simple, but made a statement. "You won't be able to cut anyone with it any more, but you hopefully will get more use out of it."

She swallowed hard. "Chakotay.." she murmured. He was giving her a ring, after she called him names, and told him she was broken beyond repair. How did she ever deserve him? How could she live up to his expectations?

"It doesn't have to mean everything. Spirits, it doesn't have to mean anything, other than the fact that it reminded me of you and I'd like for you to have it." He took her right hand, not her left, for now, and slipped it on her finger. It fit perfectly.

She didn't say anything, but when he looked at her closely he saw her eyes brimming with unfallen tears. She blinked heavily several times to try and clear her vision.

"It's a promise," she said, "for me to try and be the person you all think I can be."

"I would expect nothing else," he replied.

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