All in his Head
Restraints
Matt had been admitted to the hospital for a week now and Kelly was finally able to visit him, they'd restricted his access, explaining it was best for Matt to have no visitors so he could settle in and they could start to help him. They'd never spent such a long time apart before but Kelly knew the doctors knew best, it had been a hellish week though, he was too distracted by his own thoughts, worrying about Matt, to do much more look after his own basic needs.
Kelly had spoken to either the psychiatrist or head nurse at least once a day, some days Matt seemed to be doing well, others were not so good. He'd needed to be medically restrained twice, he'd been banging his head repeatedly on the wall behind his bed, he'd also been put in soft restraints for a couple of hours after attacking a staff member and being unable to calm himself down. He'd been along to one group therapy session, but he walked out after only ten minutes. Little progress had been made in his individual sessions, but, other than one session where he'd refused to say word, Matt had been talking to the psychiatrist when prompted.
When Kelly entered Matts room he was shocked by the sight he was greeted with, despite his conversation with the nurse. Early that morning Matt had attacked two staff members as he'd tried to escape for the second time, they'd had no choice but to put him in soft restraints, they'd given him a shot of Versed but he'd continue to resist.
Matt was on his back, his wrists, chest and ankles restrained, he wore no pants, just a sweat soaked t-shirt and some padded white briefs. He'd spent the last couple of days in bed, refusing to leave his room and had not even asked to use the bathroom. It was upsetting to see him this way, especially having not been able to visit, and to start with, despite not wanting to take part in the group sessions, things had begun positively, but it looked as though Matt had taken several steps back now, refusing to cooperate.
"He's very ill, Kelly," the nurse spoke gently.
"He seems to be getting worse," Kelly responded.
"He's not been very cooperative today, he's still settling and the new medication he's on doesn't work right away. He needs more time."
Kelly nodded in understanding. "Can I sit with him in private?"
"The camera will stay on, but yes, and we should be able to remove the restraints in an hour so, we don't want to use them for long," the nurse said.
Kelly pulled the single chair over to the bedside and sat down. He put his hand on Matts arm, his skin was warm, Kelly had expected him to feel cold, lying there in only a few clothes. He hated how Matt had been put in such an undignified position, but he knew it was for his own safety right now.
Matts eyes flickered open as Kelly wiped his sleeve over his face, clearing away the saliva.
"Hey, baby, it's just me, it's Kelly," he greeted as Matts eyes searched the room. "How are you doing?"
Matt opened his mouth, letting out a short groan.
"I've missed having you at home," Kelly went on, not really sure what to say, everything seemed so surreal. How could this possibly be real? "You're getting help now, things will get better, I promise, you wouldn't be here if not. Everything's going to be all right," he said before leaning over and wiping away a fresh strand of saliva.
Matt just moaned again.
"They say you're not eating or going to the bathroom," Kelly commented. "Will you eat for me? And ask to go to the bathroom? Please just… just help them to help you… I know it must be hard, but I know you, you can get through this."
Matts eyes focused. "Kel…"
"Yeah, hi," he responded, smiling at the recognition.
"Kelly…"
"What is it?" Kelly asked him.
"You have to get me out of here," he whispered fervently.
Kelly shook his head. "I can't do that."
"You have to get me out of here," he insisted again.
"I'm sorry, Matt, they're going to help you…"
"They're experimenting on me, you have to get me out of here," Matt said intensely. He was pulling against the restraints now as he became more and more agitated.
Kelly had automatically stood up, moving back, instinctively thinking Matt was going to grab him despite how his wrists were tied to the bed.
"Kelly, please," Matt cried. "You have to get me out of here, they're hurting me! They're hurting me! Please, you have to help me! Kelly, please! Please, Kelly!"
Kelly had been so focused on Matts anguish that he'd not noticed the two staff members enter the room. He stepped away, unable to take his eyes off Matt, but unable to stay as he continued crying out.
"Kelly, please! Please don't leave me here! Kelly, please! Please…" Matts words turned into sobs when Kelly forced himself to turn and walk away. It broke his heart to leave, he knew Matt would never forgive him, too many people had left him in the past, and Kelly was now just another name on that list.
He could still hear Matt once the door had closed. He put his hands to his ears and tried to stem his own sobs, letting his weight fall back on the wall, trying to compose himself. At the start of the week, Kelly had still not been convinced that the situation was entirely mental, despite what everyone had told him, but now, having seen Matt act the way he just had, he realised he had been in denial for weeks. He'd wanted it to be physical because he knew broken bones fix much easier than broken minds. He'd been in denial just as all the doctors had said, and another wave of guilt crashed through him; he knew should have got Matt help sooner, he shouldn't have waited until help was forced onto him for his own safety. Shay had managed to persuade him otherwise when he'd poured his emotions out to her, but seeing this only reminded him how guilty he did feel.
The door opened again, but Kelly heard no sound from Matt. Kelly didn't speak to the nurse or orderly, and he didn't enter the room again, he gathered himself and left. He couldn't deal with this, he had nothing left.
Matt woke slowly, his head was throbbing and his body ached. It took him an age to open his eyes, but even when he did, he had no idea where he was, and everything was blurry, he couldn't focus. He tried calling out but no sound escaped his lips. His chin felt wet, his mouth full of saliva, he struggled to swallow. He let his head roll to the side, warm drool pooled on the thin pillow, wetting his hair and neck. He tried to moved, his body was slow but he found the energy to push himself up, wanting to know where he was, his vision was still blurred. His actions were halted and he couldn't figure out why, he pulled and strained against the resistance he felt on his arms and legs, but nothing worked. There was something wrapped around his waist and groin, his brain couldn't comprehend it and he tried to move his arms again, he wanted to understand.
Suddenly the sound of a door opening stopped him from moving, there was a bright light and the sound of footsteps.
"Evening, Matt," a voice spoke and he winced, it felt incredibly loud. "Got your medications. Are you going to take them without a fuss now? Don't really want a repeat of this morning, do we?" the voice chirped.
Matt moved his head away from the voice, it was sharp and reverted around his skull, making it throb even more.
"I can unfasten the restraints for you, are you going to be calm?"
Matt didn't respond, he didn't know what to say, he didn't know the answer because he didn't understand the question.
"Would you like to have a shower, freshen up?" the voice continued.
He turned his head to the woman as his vision cleared.
"Would you like a shower, Matt?"
He understood was she was saying now and he nodded. He moved, but didn't get very far.
"Hang on," she instructed. "I'll unfasten the restraints. You're gonna be calm now?"
Matt gazed at her, head still throbbing. He didn't know why he was restrained, and he still wasn't sure where he was, but he nodded anyway.
"There we go," she said with a smile once she'd unfastened all the straps.
Slowly he sat up, pushing himself back so he was sitting up against the wall.
"Meds," she told him, passing him a small container and a plastic cup of water.
He accepted them, chucking them back and swallowing them down with the drink.
"Open up," she ordered, checking he'd taken them. "Tongue up too," she said.
He did as he was told, proving that he'd taken the pills.
"Thank you, Matt. Bathroom?"
"Shower?" he asked, speaking for the first time since she'd entered.
"Yeah, bring a change of clothes, and underpants, because you're going to ask to use the bathroom today, right?"
"Yeah, sorry…" he muttered looking down at the lightly padded white briefs he was wearing. "Didn't know."
"What do you mean, Matt?"
He just shrugged.
"Ok, get your things, you'll feel better after a shower," she told him. "Then it'll be dinner time."
"What's dinner?"
"Pizza tonight, is that good?"
"Yeah, I'm hungry," he told her as he clumsily got to his feet. He was tired and sore, but his headache seemed to be fading at least.
Matt did feel better after showering and putting on fresh clothes, and annoyed when he realised they'd put waterproof briefs on him, annoyed that he'd needed someone to stand outside the bathroom whilst he'd showered and dressed. He was being treated like he'd done something wrong; he hadn't done anything wrong, had he? He was struggling to think back over the last few hours, struggling to recall the last week. What was going on with him? It felt like he was slipping away, losing time and coherent thoughts, and all the good the shower had done then vanished. He felt sick. He had no idea what was happening anymore.
"Matt? Are you dressed? Can I come in?"
He didn't recognise the voice and he shot back to the tiled wall, looking around, he was trapped.
"Matt?"
"Leave me alone!" he cried.
There were mutterings from behind the door and the voice spoke again. "Matt, if you don't open the door, I'm coming in," she warned.
"Please, why can't you all just leave me alone?!"
"Matt, you're safe, honey. You're in the hospital, do you remember?"
Matt could no longer control his breaths. He was hyperventilating and his heart was pounding.
When the nurse opened the door, with two other staff members behind her, she found Matt sobbing in the corner of the small room. "Hey, Matt…" she began.
"Please… don't…"
"Matt, look at me and tell me where you are?" she urged.
Matt did as he was told and looked blearily around.
"Do you know where you are?"
He shook his head.
"You're in the hospital, you're safe," she assured him.
"Not safe… they're coming… they're coming…" he muttered, his arm rhythmically knocking the wall the behind himself.
"No one's coming, it's just us four. I can give you something to help you relax, would like you like that?"
He nodded.
"Ok, I'm going to pass you a cup of water and a couple of pills. They won't work right away, but they will help you relax…"
"What's wrong with me?!" he cried.
"You're sick, Matt, so everything's really hard right now, really confusing, but you're going to get through this, ok?"
His face became emotionless. "Ok."
TBC