But Can You Go Back Once You Know?
Buckle in, folks. It's gonna' be a bumpy ride.
Chapter Seventeen – Life
Six Years Prior
Goku hates seeing his wife like this. She's red, nearly purple, and there's a large vein streaking down her forehead. Tears slip by one after another as she squeezes his hand. A weaker man would have lost his fingers by now, but Goku squeezes back lightly. He offers warm smiles and encouragement as that's all he can offer right now.
"You're doing great, Chi," he tells her, because he'd never been so proud of her in his life. She splutters and wants to be angry at him, but clearly can't afford the energy.
When the doctor tells her to push, her grip tightens and she cries even harder. But she pushes.
Gosh, he's so proud. Look at her go.
She's so scared, he can tell. Through the strain, the tears, the redness, he can feel in her energy that she just wants to stop all of this and hide in their bedroom. Sobs sound out as her hand tenses against his.
"Pleeeeeease!" she wails. Goku kisses her knuckles.
This time everything will be fine.
The doctor leans over to inform, "once more, Chi-Chi. He's crowning."
Last time they didn't know the sex, but they'd been more diligent this time. Bulma had even allowed them to use her private medical staff, the very same who delivered Trunks into this world.
Trunks is healthy. Their son will be healthy too.
Chi-Chi groans, rolling her head across the pillow. She groans and groans until...
A deafening cry breaks through. Relief floods them both.
Deflating, his wife's grip loosens in his hand and she pants. Goku plants a peck on her forehead and tells her how good she was. He didn't do any of this last time, he'd been sitting in the waiting room with Ox playing cards until a doctor had rushed out to usher them in.
The doctors murmur amongst themselves, and Goku nearly worries that there is a complication. But suddenly, a small bundle of blue blankets with a red, slimy alien in the middle of them is being gently given to him.
Goku's laughing despite the tiny baby's screeches.
"You did so good, Chi-Chi," he says against the lump in his throat.
She's laughing now. It's a tired, hoarse chuckle, yet Goku thinks it's one of the most beautiful sounds he's ever heard.
His wife shifts her head and gazes at their child. She smiles. "Goten."
Goku returns it with interest. "Our boy, Goten."
They both share one last sad smile as they remember their first go round. Last time, the doctor hadn't offered Goku a screaming, shiny bundle of life, but instead, a still, forever-sleeping baby. There'd been no screaming, Chi-Chi had passed out from the birth, and the doctors had looked uncomfortable.
He'd cradled his dead son for an hour before promising himself that he'd never let himself feel that pain again.
Chi-Chi had woken not long after, and eventually they left the hospital different people from who they were when they'd first entered.
Baby S had been buried in a box decorated with flowers. It had been biodegradable just so he can be truly free.
And then, it had been hard for a while, for them both.
After discovering he was an alien Goku decided that having kids just wasn't going to be possible.
That had been a long time ago.
After meeting Trunks from the future Goku felt something akin to hope stir within him. Half saiyans became a possible reality. It took a few more years to persuade Chi-Chi to try again, and to both of their surprise, she fell pregnant rather quickly. Everyone had been so happy for them, especially Bulma.
'Trunks will have a best friend!' had been the exact sentence Goku remembered hearing over the phone.
It'd come as a shock when he'd told Bulma about the first baby. Other than Chi-Chi, himself, and Ox, nobody had known. It'd been refreshing to talk about it, as though the burden had somewhat lessened. The pain is still there, of course. It'll never leave.
But what he really feels right now is complete and utter joy.
Baby Goten's eyes stare up hungrily at his parents; they're full of wonder and life.
Importantly, life.
Fifty Minutes Prior
Kibito Kai has to be joking.
Seriously? Had… Had Goku heard that right?
"Er, say that one again, Kibito Kai."
Piccolo, too, leans forward, as though those looming, green ears of his had earlier picked up the wrong signal. Wrought with a tight, dubious expression, he matches Goku like a mirror.
Credit to him, Kibito Kai doesn't even blink. His bright, formal robes contrast against the drabs of the apartment. There's a flourish of silk as he folds his arms. "I've just had council with the lead of The Order, himself. He told me that he intends to finis-"
"Yeah, yeah. Not that part."
Kibito Kai flinches. "Goku, we don't have time for this."
Piccolo saunters closer. His height looms over the two of them. "You can't just drop that bombshell, Kibito Kai. We need more information on this bastard child."
Goku frowns. Bastard?
"You're misunderstanding here," the kai continues. "Goku did not break his marital vows. This is less to do with Goku's indiscretion (or lack thereof) and more to do with a rift in our universe."
"Indiscretion…?"
Piccolo turns to him with intensity. "Did you have sex with anyone besides your wife?"
What?!
"N-no!" he splutters. Absolutely not. He… he would never!
"And you don't remember her being pregnant with any other child?"
Still cherry red, the saiyan shakes his head and tries to look for support from Kibito Kai. "Other than Goten? No. I think I'd remember something like that, r-right?"
A moment passes, and Goku's focus drops south.
Piccolo is quick to catch him. "Goku?"
"Er, no, no, it's nothing."
"Goku."
He reaffirms his stance on this, "Piccolo."
This conversation is not up for debate.
I haven't thought about that for a while.
I don't intend to, either.
Kibito Kai hums, tilting his head back. A cascade of white hair falls, framing his dark gaze. "From what Acciperé spoke of, there'd been a great instance some years ago that changed the path of this universe, and because of that change, an altered disruption of power could bring the downfall of all life."
A sigh follows. "He told me it is because of Gohan's familial connection to you. He told me that you're his father." There's a pause, "yet you remember no such thing. Acciperé has no reason to lie, Goku. That either brings us to two conclusions, the first; Gohan has come from a different universe. The second-"
"Something wiped our memories," Piccolo concluded.
Kibito Kai nodded. "I believe the latter only because parallel universe hopping is strictly monitored by its own order."
Goku doesn't agree. "Trunks came ba-"
"Yes, came back; from a different time in the same universe. You cannot recall the Trunks from the future mentioning Gohan being your son at any point, can you?"
"No, bu-"
"A wish," Piccolo interrupts in a light sort of voice, as though posing a question. The suggestion of it has both Kibito Kai and Goku stare at him. "Could something like that have thrown the balance? The dragon balls have erased memories in the past."
Goku's earlier conversation with Videl comes back to haunt him. Everyone else's memories about Buu had been wiped except for their group of friends and family. Her face, deeply sad, lonely in knowledge, told its own truth of wishing she didn't really remember. He'd seen it in her right away, and apart of him wished that she hadn't had to carry that around with her.
Videl had wanted to forget Buu, really. The dragon balls could've granted that.
Had they already granted another memory-loss wish long before theirs?
"It's a possibility," Kibito Kai says, finger to lip. "Acciperé didn't elabor-"
A sudden rush of sirens catches them all off-guard; dyeing the apartment techno red and blue as many a vehicle blazes by past the building complex. Counting at least five bright red fire trucks, Goku can only assume that they're heading in the direction of Squire as, even from here, the thick, ashy cloud can be seen shadowing over the facility.
The bleeping fades into the background but there's an echo of it still ringing about his ears.
"That must be the last tower," Kibito Kai informs darkly. "Acciperé told me of that, too. Once it goes down… well…" His eyes flash, horror evident. "Goku, you must go now. If someone can find Gohan then I know it'd be you."
"Y-you can't just tell me something like that an-"
"Goku! If you don't go now then the earth could be destroyed!"
Goku flinches.
"We'll figure the 'son' stuff out after you find the kid," Piccolo pressures, "he seems fond of you, at least. That's going to be worth something."
"Uh, right." He's seen carrots look at rabbits with more fondness than what Gohan offered him. But from going off Kibito Kai's urgent expression, and Piccolo's sudden turnaround, Goku at least thinks he should try and co-operate.
So, he's meant to go and find Gohan.
But, uh… but how?
"I have no idea where he went," Goku lamely points out. "He was real put-out, though. I'm kinda' surprised he took off."
Kibito Kai immediately pales, lilac fading into a sad grey. "Can't you sense him?"
"The boy isn't normal," Piccolo explains, if a little harshly. "You can't feel his energy unless you're up close."
Goku sucks in a breath and clicks his fingers.
"Or near those towers! I didn't think about it until now, but last night when Vegeta and I went to Squire, we'd felt a huge spike in some strange ki we didn't recognize. Now that I think about it; that had definitely been Gohan's ki we sensed. I know what it feels like."
"That's because those towers harbour Gohan's energy." Kibito Kai furrows his brow, frowning down at the filthy carpet. "We can't let that last one go down."
"I'm surprised you're not wanting to leave this to The Order," Piccolo comments.
And Goku's surprised too, but the kai's answer is swift and leaves the saiyan feeling warm. "If this really is Goku's son then I believe the kais owe Goku the right to try and fix this."
"But we don't even know where the boy got to."
"He can't fly," Goku points out, "and he's tired, really tired. I don't think he's gone far… and… and if I'm honest, I-" his lips pull thin, "I think he hasn't got much fight left in him."
"You think he's just going to accept it?"
He remembers the dour emptiness worn on the kid's face.
Yes… I do.
Steeling his gaze, Goku presses two fingers against his forehead. "I'm gonna' try Squire first, then the surrounding area. Piccolo, you should go help Krillin with the dragon balls. Kibito Kai, can you go to Capsule Corporation and give Bulma the update? I think she needs to know. Maybe also tell Vegeta to get over to Squire in case things go bad."
Piccolo snorts. His words are spoken through a smirk. "Any idea what you're going to do?"
"I'm gonna' take the kid to an open space. I think I know where's ideal."
Currently
They both land in a swill of wasteland sand. The twirling, cycling dirt feels rough against the skin, giving birth to a static landscape and opening to a drab, dark backdrop. It's hard to focus against the grain, and Goku has to squint as he catches the last of the day descend beyond beige hills.
Gohan looks exhausted, and nothing's even happened yet. The kid's eyes are red, cheeks blotchy, and there's a pallid clamour to his complexion. The shadows descend with a sense of finality over his face as the wind brushes back matted knots.
He looks about ready to give up.
He really was about to.
That knife; it had teased along Gohan's neck, and with only a nudge of pressure it would have drawn enough blood to end it all. He… really would have done it. Goku thought… well…
He swallows, drinking in the image of Gohan. Whilst not wholly well, the kid's at least still here, present, and with an inkling of determination about him should that gritty expression be anything to go by.
It… nearly had been a different story.
Gohan.
That's the name of his grandfather. Goku's never heard the name anywhere else other than it belonging to Grandpa, and now also to this kid, the kid that has turned out to be none other than his son. Somehow.
That horrible, horrible memory of losing the first baby springs back to mind. Would… that have been his name?
Baby S... Baby Gohan…
You died long before any of this.
Right?
Dry mouthed, Goku can't find the words to go forward. So Gohan does instead
Anguished, the kid collapses to the ground as a cloud of sand swallows him. "It's starting. I can feel it."
"It's just gonna' be like before," Goku says quickly, dropping a knee and planting a hand on his shoulder. The memories are lost to the situation. "We're gonna' channel that energy through me."
Gohan looks at him with a hungry expectation, the same kind of look he'd been wearing back near the fire. That's how Goku knew –realised- that everything Kibito Kai had said was true, for the only person to ever look at him so intensely like that had been Goten. Lost, frightened –like you're going to be the one to magically fix everything; how a child sees their parent.
Yes, Goku knows that looks very well. That kai must have told Gohan something. Even now, that flicker of something more is so apparent.
"It'll kill you," Gohan tries to say as levelly as he can. His voice is raspy already, and Goku knows that it's only going to get worse. "I'll kill you."
The shoulder feels bony under his grasp. He squeezes regardless, and attempts for humour. "You know, it won't be the first time I've died…"
Those dark eyes roll up, churning over the top of purpling bags. "I know."
Goku tries not to recoil. His hand flinches. "What do you know, Gohan?"
The teenager twitches. Then a hand reaches up and palms against his temples as a long, veiny line protrudes downwards against pallid skin.
"D-don't make me think, it hurts."
"Did the kai do something? Before we start I've gotta' know."
An obnoxious gust of wind batters and Goku almost stumbles over the kid.
Even the weather's against us.
"Acciperé…" Gohan mumbles as he peeks between splayed fingers. "He told me the truth. He told me…" His head bows low, and crunching beneath folded knees can be heard as he also struggles against Mother Nature's brutality. "He just told me how I'll bring destruction to the universe, and how I'll kill everyone, and how I fucked everything up before, I fucked everything up, Dad, I –everything- me, I did something-"
The risk of instability rises. Gohan's words stumble over one another as Goku debates whether another slap is a good idea or not.
"Gohan! You've gotta' try your best to stay calm. Breathe. Breathe. Remember those exercises we did earlier." He takes in a breath of his own. "I'm gonna' be honest here, I still don't know a lot. I think you've got more of the story than I do. I only heard a bit from Kibito Kai, so I, uh, you've gotta' be patient with me, okay? We'll deal with one thing at a time."
Goku immediately regrets opening his mouth because Gohan stares up with prompt dejection.
"I'm n-not saying I don't believe it –you- it's just I –gosh, Gohan, can you tell me anything?"
The flip-flopping is giving them both whiplash, but really, after all these years of fighting XYZ villains, Goku's never been thrown for a loop like this before. In a way, when Kibito Kai had first said it, it had made perfect sense to Goku in some illogical way.
Gohan Squire is his son.
Again, that sleeping baby, the one to never wake up, appears in his mind, completely unwelcome.
How old are you, Gohan?
When is your birthday? Is it May? I'm scared to ask if it's May.
It'd been so long ago. How many years? Nearly seventeen, Goku reckons.
This kid… Gohan… he's what? He's around about that age.
But that's also impossible because… Goku would remember… remember the baby living. His poor baby boy had been blue. The doctors had told him he'd most likely suffocated. Could… could this boy really be… no, no…
Yet, as Piccolo had mentioned…
"The dra-"
When Goku goes to speak he notices that Gohan's disappearing back into his head again. The clouded gaze, numb to much of anything, has been coming in waves since Goku first found him earlier.
He clicks his fingers in front of the kid.
"Gohan!"
"Stop it!" Gohan snaps, speaking to someone not there. His vacancy wages on a thin line, and Goku watches as the pupils dilate with infrequency. "Stop it! Stop saying that!"
A rumble, much akin to thunder, ruptures around them, gyrating against the sand and the dirt.
"Gohan! Snap out of it!"
Goku shakes Gohan so roughly that Goku's earlier wound bleeds with renewed force. Crap. It's deeper than he'd thought. A warm trickle runs free. Gohan's consistent; Goku'll give him that, because the thrashing in his grasp only continues to agitate his injury, and risks hurting the both of them.
Sorry… again.
A slap sounds against Gohan's face, and then another. It's the fourth strike –a hard backhand- that finally has Gohan ease back into himself. The cloud lifts.
"Look at me," Goku says firmly. The order seems to stir something within the kid because he does, sharply so too. Goku can see those frightened eyes wavering into the land of obscurity.
He holds Gohan's terrified gaze for a long time, watching as pale cheek turn pink from his hand.
"Kill me," Gohan rasps.
"-No-"
"Hear me out-"
"Gohan, I'm n-"
"Dad, you've got to do it-"
"-I'm not goi-"
"Please. Please. It hurts. Dad."
Goku actually laughs. It comes out as a bitter thing. "You can't call me that and then ask me to-" he stops. "You're gonna' be fine. Take my hand –take it, Gohan- that's it, good, take it and breathe out slowly."
A nasty flurry of wind chooses this moment, testing them both to keep on their knees against the grit. It manages to spook Gohan, enough so that Goku feels a manic rise in ki and has to barricade himself against a wave of energy firing out.
"F-fuck."
Yeah, Goku agrees. The purple waves pass over him. It stings a bit. They harbour several uneven riptides that gorge upon the growing sandstorm.
"Eyes. Close them. Breathe."
Gohan looks like he's swallowed something impossibly sour but does as told. Veins beat thickly against his neck as fresh sweat starts to prickle. A twitch follows. Then another. Goku can only imagine how much pain the kid's in.
"One… Two… Three… breathe," Goku instructs on a loop. The rhythm is harder to maintain than it had been earlier. The wind is relentless, and Gohan's abrupt spasms keep knocking them both off task.
"Argh!"
It doesn't seem to be working. In fact, it's getting worse. Gohan can't find that serene place in his mind regardless of how much of natural he had been earlier. The pressure is probably too much –Goku can almost sense the agony creeping up upon the kid. It looms over, shadowing what's about to come with pleasurable excitement.
So instead, Goku tries a new approach.
"I'm… uh, I'm gonna' tell you a story, Gohan," he says. "All I want you to do is listen, okay?"
A howl of wind answers back. Gohan, eyes still clenched, doesn't move an inch.
Goku breathes out a wobbly breath.
Here goes nothing.
Dusk finally settles into the early blues of evening, and the darkness seems to arrive the moment Goku opens his mouth.
"I know what it's like to go against power you think will outclass you, beat you -consume you." The hand pressed against his feels clammy, but gives a squeeze as if to show Goku that he is listening. "I've fought against a lot of bad guys. I don't know what you know with your broken memories thing, but there was this really nasty piece of work, really, he was as bad as they come. He was called Frieza."
Gohan gives a minute shake of the head.
"Basically, he was this evil space alien that hurt a lot of people. He was really, really strong, and was famous for destroying planets and killing anyone who dared fight against him. One day, we had to cross Frieza because he was after the dragon balls, ones found on an alien planet far away from here. It was on this strange planet, Namek –where Piccolo comes from- that we had this huge bat—Gohan, take a deep breath. That's it. Okay. Uh, yeah. We had a big fight, and obviously I won otherwise I wouldn't be here now so-"
Hoarsely, Gohan interrupts. "S..ks."
"H-huh? What was that?"
His head snaps up. "Sucks. Your story—argh."
A curt laugh leaves Goku. "Sorry, I don't take requests."
Gohan scoffs out something akin to amusement before lolling his head.
"Anyway, it was during this fight that I really took a beating. Not my first. But I really got scared that I was gonna' lose… for good –I didn't wanna' let my best friend down. He had been with me right there on Namek. And… you know what happened?"
Goku waits for Gohan's tired attention to roll up onto him.
"Frieza killed him."
He swallows against the roughness before continuing. "It's like something breaking inside of you, like you can't feel anger or sadness, or anything really. I… it had felt like I could never feel again. And then something came over me, it all became too much. A power ripped through me, it took me wholly, and I felt like I'd lost sight of where I, as a person, started, and where my energy began. I could have killed Frieza thirty times over and it wouldn't have been enough…"
His voice trails off, but his line seems to have a catch now.
"…B-but?"
"But I offered Frieza mercy."
"Of… course, fuck, argh, of course you did. Arrrhh, shit. Fuck."
Before Goku is tempted to give Gohan another slap, the kid actually does it himself.
"I did," Goku says as fluidly as possible as he stares at the freshly cut lip. "I offered it him. And then… He took it and he threw it back in my face."
The kid slumps against his own weight, collapsing one shoulder and then the other. Under a mop of black hair, Goku hears; "and so you killed him?"
"I did… but, Gohan… I made that choice. The power didn't." A garbled cough splutters, the hand in Goku's grip falters. "You can fight this. You can fight something all consuming. There's always hope so long as you try."
Goku notices Gohan's spare hand thread through the dirt. Sand swallows his fingers as he clenches and unclenches his fists. The wind seems to drop if only for a brief moment. A silence lingers, haunted by the threat of the encroaching mammoth of fury.
"It's coming," the kid finally says in a whisper.
But Goku's not done.
Don't give up.
He thinks fast.
"And here, Gohan, right here, this" -he gestures openly to the wasteland around them- "this is where another fight took place, another place where I really thought I was gonna' lose."
Gohan tilts his head up at a distorted angle. A flash of something dark crosses his face. "Don't say it. This is-"
The grip in his hand becomes so tight that Goku thinks he might lose his fingers.
A barrage of ki then bursts to flame unlike anything Goku's ever seen before. The dry, dead ground around them lights up in orange mayhem, a curl of heat quickly encompassing them in its grip as flying specs of sand sparkle into nothing. It burns. Everything burns, the wind lapping harder than ever with renewed passion.
It really is starting.
Goku looks at Gohan as the air between them seems to thin. Breathing doesn't come as easy. It's like swallowing lava with every breath, hot all the way down and giving his lungs something to scream about.
That hand in his own feels like it might just melt through. He feels the fingernails scrape against his palm, and so Goku gives him a firm tug forward.
"Through me!" Goku insists, shaking his hand for emphasis. "Channel it through me!"
A whine leaves the kid as he thumps hard against Goku's shoulder. It scorches the saiyan.
He grits his teeth. "Gohan, release the power!"
"I… urgh…"
"Now! Do it now!"
Anguished, Gohan swivels up. Blood runs from his nose. "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"
A fresh blast upsets the ground. It cracks several long lines beneath them before propelling rocks and debris skywards. What little weeds are about launches, sizzling into the embers and night sky like disappointing fireworks. The stench of burnt green holds. It makes it even harder to breathe.
Pocket after pocket of concentrated ki rumbles out, shaking the earth deeply. It worries Goku because it's only time until the earth retaliates with an earthquake of its own. The planet is quite fragile, after all. An upset like this could trigger something truly horrific.
So he tries again.
"Through me!" His voice carries over the waves of hot ki, but it's not enough to stir Gohan from out of whatever new stupor he's in. The teenager jerks so roughly against himself that Goku thinks it could be a seizure. Those fingers in his hand feel wet. Goku can only wonder if it's his or Gohan's.
Finally, Gohan acknowledges him.
Goku flinches.
There's devastation upon the kid's face. He's not crying, but Goku can recognize that bottomless weight of despair.
A look is shot at him, and then a snarl. The hand snatches free. "The Cell Games."
There's a break of noise, a pause as another gale of hotness journeys on.
What about The—
"Don't tell me about Cell," he is warned, "d-don't you tell me-"
Goku can't help himself.
"What happened with Cell? G-Gohan, I-"
A scream rips out from the kid. It's a hoarse, tearing sound that ricochets over the wasteland. The echo could carry on forever. Even then, it's not enough because Gohan scrambles to cocoon his head between his arms. The ground shakes ever harder.
It puts Goku in two minds on whether or not to push this. Gohan seems deeply affected, which is strange because as far as Goku remembers, Cell was dealt with, sure, not without a few bumps on the road, successfully.
Then again… as far as Goku remembers.
Had something happened?
Curiousity gets the better of him.
I hope the Earth can handle this.
"Tell me about Cell," he attempts.
Goku tries to draw closer to Gohan again, reaching out tentatively with eager fingers. Still in his curled ball, the teenager doesn't so much as show a sign of moving towards him. The air around him inhales in, spiralling sunset orange overhead, crafting dense prison-like bars which dance around statically.
One foot. Then another. Then one more.
C'mon, Goku, move forward.
But it's hard. The wall of wind is nearly impossible to breach. Sand, dirt, and shards of scrap metal or glass fly against him. Other foreign objects are sent in projectile, also. Silver, crusty with rust, barely misses his cheek as Goku dodges what he thinks may be a stray car door.
Gohan's ki is really climbing now. The pressure of being so close is like being caught up in a rapid, ever-growing rush of a river current. Only instead of drowning, Goku's boiling.
He drops to his stomach when a vicious slice of wind cuts at his feet. From there, he crawls along the filth and reaches out; finally, curling a hand around Gohan's thin jumper. Blisters form on contact.
"He's gone!" Goku shouts, "Cell's dead! He's long dead!"
Something between a whimper and whine sounds from the crumpled boy.
"Talk to me, Gohan! Stay grounded!"
"Shut up!"
"Go-"
"You're not real!"
Goku brings his other hand forward and tries to grasp at Gohan's second arm. Yet, the impossible force keeps them separated. Purple, pulsing energy then seems to sprout from the kid's back, emerging and growing as though it's a flower head sprouting from its bud. The petals choppily grow in an unequal show of horror. Each bursts, shooting off like rockets in varying directions. Goku can only keep his head low as he feels one graze over the roots of his hair. The purples and orange blend together, turning into a queasy brown and discolouring the blues of the sky murkily.
"I'm real!" Goku shouts over the gale-force wind, and over the explosion as one of those purple blasts finds a target.
"No!" he hiccoughs from his huddle. "NO! You're dead! I did it! I killed you, too! Why can't you understand?"
Goku almost lets go from the shock of it.
"I-I'm alive! Look, Gohan! L-look at me!"
Another jolt of energy erupts, but Goku's ready this time. The second hand finally grasps onto Gohan's. More agony follows. He has to bite his gums as not to cry out immediately.
Gohan looks up with that foggy, eerie emptiness.
The kid's long gone.
"C-crap."
Then those lips move. "You're dead," they say, "I did it. Cell. He… I…"
Goku's not equipped for anything like this. His mouth opens and closes, lost.
Argh!
A sudden fervour of hot, white pain needles through his hands. If veins could bubble and boil his would be right now, shrieking in pure dismay at the contact. Unable to contain a yelp, Goku tries his best not to let go, barely noticing a burst of platinum podiums above them in a quick beam of light.
The hand in his tremors with unrivalled violence, and Goku's not sure where Gohan begins and the earthquake, one hysterical and ensnaring, ends.
The whole planet could be shaking.
And the ki s only growing stronger and stronger, too. Just how powerful is this kid?
"I'm sorry! Arghhh!" Gohan then calls out. His head thrashes with a fresh spasm. "I'm sorry, Dad. Dad. I'm sorry!"
The white above them shrinks and grows, pulsating much like a heartbeat. The blue-black behind winks down at them chaotically. Never before has Goku seen anything so bright.
"Th-this your ki, huh?" Goku attempts, sporting a weak smirk. "Not that impressive."
He should know better than goading, and is rewarded with another flurry of flames. Orange and white meld together, laminating in a nauseas and uncomfortable glow. Goku buries his face and takes in a breath of thin air, trying not to choke when he takes in a mouthful of sand instead.
"Y-You fight Cell?" Goku manages after a phlegmy cough. Gohan, of course, doesn't answer. "You did, right? I, argh," More flames beat down at him, "-bet he didn't stand a chance against this-"
"Shut up!"
The white flares out wildly. It basks the otherwise dark wasteland in flashes of cool brightness and aggressive orange. And then Gohan does something Goku didn't expect.
The kid launches up, taking Goku with him and flipping him onto his back. The two slide a few feet, cutting into the ground and taking some of it with them. And in a flash Goku hadn't thought possible, Gohan has him pinned to the ground, between two very shaky legs.
When he looks up, he sees Gohan's face is streaked with fresh tears. Splotches of blood have also caught under his nose. But it's the new emotion, one born from that mask of clouded loss, which knocks him.
Fury.
He hates me.
Sharp creases run south between a pair of thin, twitching jets. Fire blossoms fiercely from their very core. This, he thinks, is how an animal feels before it's about to be devoured.
Roughly, Gohan collects the front of Goku's gi and forces him down low.
Goku tries to sit up but quickly finds himself unable to. He can't power up, ascend –he can't even form a ki attack. The compression of the ki holds him prisoner.
"G-Gohan…"
Then the first punch comes. And then the next, and then another, and another. They're sloppy but have weight behind them. An off angle one has Goku turn dizzy, spluttering out red.
"You did this!" Gohan bellows. Another punch.
"You!"
Punch!
"Did!"
Punch!
"This!"
This time, Gohan leans back and throws himself into the last one. Goku immediately feels something click in his jaw. Oozing, the taste of metal overpowers, and it's all he can think about in the moment, even as Gohan goes back to try for another swing. But instincts kick in and his body churns mechanically beneath the weight, shifting, trying to upset the balance and throw Gohan off completely.
It comes to naught. Gohan only wobbles slightly, although it's enough for him to drop the fist.
Another target comes to reach in its place.
Goku cannot possibly fathom what he could have ever done to upset Gohan this much. Whatever happened –whatever Goku did- must have been horrible because here he lies, with Gohan's hands around his neck. Two thumbs press against his Adam's apple.
"I didn't want to," Gohan then sobs. Under the unnatural lighting, he looks pale and haunting. Sodden cheeks are streaked with more and more tears. There's a coarse hiccough. "And then I killed you."
Just what can he say to that?
When Goku goes to speak the blood emerges first. It sloshes up and then is lost against the wind.
"What did you do?" he eventually questions throatily.
Gohan appears instantly stricken. A boom sounds above them, followed by an abrupt flash of light as a raw crackle fades in and out of earshot. Neither move when another bout of thunder sounds, and still, the energy swills around as it rises and rises in power.
"I killed you," Gohan eventually says in a small voice. "You made me do it. I… agh… You… You sent me out to fight that monster."
Cell.
Is that possible? Just how old would Gohan have been?
I sent my own son out to fight Cell? No…No… Noo.
The thought winds him. He can't bare imagine sending Goten out to do the same thing. As strong as Goten is, especially for his age, he can't see himself pressuring the kid into a battle with that much weight.
But then again, he soon realises, he had encouraged the birth of Gotenks, someone half his son, and poised him against Buu.
But Goten seems fine.
I killed you. I killed you. I killed you.
"Did you fail, Gohan?" he dares to ask.
The teenager winces, the clouds in his eyes become ever thicker. There's a hum at the back of his throat. A growl of thunder coincides.
"Did Cell win?"
"He's dead!"
"I died too, right?"
Gohan reaches up and presses his fingers to his temples. A long groan emerges, and so Goku takes it as a yes. The picture is finally being pieced together and it's not a pretty one. Something sad washes over him. His skin burns with the many blisters he's now been adorned with, and still, flames lick at him as more ki gushes from Gohan. It hurts –so much- but not nearly as much as seeing this kid break down on repeat.
And, Goku realises, it's all for him.
Shakily, he reaches up and catches the hand once more.
"It took everything I had –and more to defeat Cell," he eventually tells Gohan. "I… I used my Instant Transmission and teleported him to a friend's planet. It killed my friend and a couple others. My friend -he's a kai, and well, the other kais weren't too happy with me. Heh…"
The gale soars past with a yowl.
"It took a while for them to forgive me. They even limited my Instant Transmission power. It's not as strong now, but I get why they were mad-"
Gohan's voice comes out gravelly. "Y-you… you did it here, too?"
"Blew up King Kai's planet?"
"Cell… you…" Gohan's eyebrows press down hard as he looks for the right words, "you… died when, arghh, you transported C-Cell."
Wait a second.
"Then why are you blaming yourself?" Goku demands of him with urgency, "That's not your fault."
Gohan is quick to look conflicted, confused behind the fog. "I… became a monster too. C-Cell; in the end, I just toyed with him. I gave him time to set up an attack that would… ugh… shit, shit, shit."
The light above them glows, reminding them that it's still there, waiting to strike, and waiting to plummet and swallow everything with its mighty force.
"It hurts."
"I know."
"I'm s-sorry," he whines, twitching when another tic takes him. Further fissures along the ground are born as another clap of thunder booms overhead, and the sandstorm still rages overhead. "I'm so sorry."
Goku doesn't get it.
"It happened here, too."
Yet Gohan seems determined to hate himself. "And yet you're alive here! I wished for this! I wished for this shithole existence—motherfucker! FUCK!"
"You were just a kid, Gohan-"
"That got you killed-"
"You shouldn't have been fighting in the first place!"
A shuddery breath, one thick with tears leaves Gohan. There's pause, save for the thunder.
Silence breaks along with Gohan. A wrangled sob sounds, followed by a particularly nasty set of twitches, leaving Goku to watch the kid try and collect himself. There is definitely some truth to what he's just said, even to Gohan, because that reaction says it all.
"I'm sorry, Gohan, I'm really sorry I put you through that."
Something raw rumbles out of the kid, followed by a wet sob. His head flops down, hair drooping dismally and bobbing up and down with each cry. Thunder growls in the distance, now sounding pathetic and purely sad.
Looming over them, and the entire planet, however, is Gohan's dense ki energy; having no patience for any of their semantics and excited to consume all. Goku has to hurry this along.
The hand still in his hold suddenly seems so small.
"We defeated Cell," Goku says with renewed determination, "and now we're going to save the world again, here. We'll win this too. We'll live."
Sweat and tears mangle together messily, but Gohan at least nods. He's going to give this a shot.
Goku affords himself a smile, slowly and gently easing Gohan's weight off of him.
"Okay," he tries to say as lightly as he can. Still, Gohan's not stupid; he knows that this is going to be a rough ride for the both of them. "You're gonna' hate it, but I'm gonna' need you to channel that big ugly cloud of power up above us through me."
The kid doesn't miss a beat. "Y-You'll die."
He squeezes the hand. "Trust me."
I promise you, Gohan, we'll live.
Live, Gohan. Choose life.
And he does.
Gohan's face, one contorted in pain, scrunches up even further as he focuses on that huge pool of ki he has.
And straight off the bat, Goku feels the intense flow of foreign energy course right through and into him. Already hot, already burning and frying beyond imaginable pain, Goku finds the ki not to be as volatile as expected.
The heat, a passionate and aggressive substance, meets with Goku's own natural reserves. It's a clash of ki instantly, challenging Goku to be able to filter accordingly what's to stay and what's to go.
And where is it going?
His other hand, high above, sits under a small sphere of azure energy. The blossoming ball is currently just a bit bigger than a football but Goku knows it's going to be massive by the end of this.
"That's it," Goku encourages. "We're gonna' pop it all in this nice, little spirit bomb we got right here."
Gohan doesn't react, but probably can't between the increasingly worse tremors and the intense concentration. Goku's fairing only marginally better, as an onslaught of throbbing veins protrude his arm, begging him to desist and send all that energy as far away as possible.
The wind picks up as if to defy logic. It batters them both without conscience, sweeping against their clothing and screaming down their ears. The sand is as equally as merciless with its grainy sharpness.
Yet, that horrible cloud of light has definitely shrunk -if only by a tiny bit.
It's working.
Goku looks down to see how mangled his arm looks already. He hopes it'll holds out.
"Arghhh!"
"Gohan!"
The kid doesn't look good
"I-it's not worki…ng. Fuck!"
"It is!" he assures, "you can do it, Gohan, you've got this!"
A string of hot white soars up his arm and he can very quickly understand what made the teenager cry out because even he's seeing stars. Colourful flurries of words seep out of Gohan's mouth and Goku concurs, forcing his arm still as it vibrates under the intensity of agony running rampant.
Gotta' block the pain out.
He forces his own eyes shut.
Focus, Goku.
A strange sight greets him.
Dark.
Everything is black save for the one lone figure in front of him.
It's a boy with shaggy black hair tied back in a loose ponytail. He wears a yellow and green tunic, with a bright red hat; one which is home to the prized four-star dragon ball. Yet, most importantly, tasting the air is a fuzzy, brown tail. It twitches when it catches Goku staring.
The boy smiles, and Goku melts.
He's real cute, he reflects as he scoops the kid up. Unlike Goten, his son- the one this boy resembles- this kid is shy and quick to bury his face into the front of Goku's gi.
And this is when Goku finds out that he has zero control over his own body because he laughs.
It's a distorted sound, like a muffled microphone.
The boy says something too, equally as muted, in a quiet mumble against the cotton.
But Goku's just happy to look.
He can see the bridge of the kid's cute nose, and the pudgy tops of his cheeks. They flush pink in embarrassment. The mystery location isn't revealed to Goku and so he can only imagine that they're in company. Goten usually peacocks with an audience, but this boy looks like he wants to be anywhere else but here.
That tail encircles Goku's arm as if to remind him it's there.
A tail.
A tail.
"Weird. You have a mark in the same place I do."
A tail!
That drab apartment springs back to mind. He recalls being snapped at, slapped away upon noticing a similar scar to one he has. Except, he'd thought that impossible to be the same as his. Only saiyans have tails.
The little boy in his arms says something to him again, the breath warm against his cheek, and for some reason Goku turns around and walks into more blackness. He walks and walks, and the next time he looks down at the bundle in his arms it's not the boy, but a collection of dragon balls.
"And yet you're alive here! I wished for this! I wished for this shithole existence!"
"Gohan?"
But the black spreads out, empty. There's no little boy, no Gohan. Nothing.
He drops the dragon balls, and they scatter around his feet unevenly. One circles his boot.
"Dad!"
Spinning on his heels, he sees no-one. The world pans with him.
"Goku! Goku!"
Churning, motioning left and right, he starts feeling sick.
"Dad!"
His eyes wrench open.
The light takes him first, and Goku's tempted to move to shield his eyes if not for both of them being occupied. White, burning rays nearly blind him but he manages to adjust. Gohan's there, looking manic as those bright beams of fire burst around them.
He looks up. The spirit bomb. It's so big now.
"Goku!" the kid cries out. In their inner circle, more fire is born, waspish in the birth, and ready to devour.
The earth retaliates, crumbling beneath them.
No…
Gohan screams, and then so does the energy.
White soars up.
Yet Goku falls back.
Sixteen Years Prior
There, in a floral cardboard box. Right there in the fresh unearthed patch lies someone Goku should have never had to bury. The grave is small, and Goku's donned it with the lilies Chi-Chi had asked him to bring. It's kind of pretty; the white on green.
Atop a hill near his grandfather's house there's an old family shrine that they used to visit. Goku'd only been a few times before but he always had an understanding of how much Grandpa cherished it. Sadly, it's long gone now, but the decorations and designs can still be found in the area. Trees, full of life, hang over a chiselled out path, one which leads out to a wonderful view of the valley. Said path is one of these artistically inspired additions to the shrine.
It's a breath-taking place.
And it's also where he'd buried his son.
He takes a seat next to the mound of dirt. There's no headstone, only the lilies. Both him and Chi-Chi liked the idea of keeping it natural, of making this their boy's special hill. The valley can be his forever.
Goku feels his throat constrict.
It's been hard. Maybe they'll never have kids. He hadn't wanted them, not really, but he hadn't not wanted them either. When this one came about… well, he became excited.
Bravely, the smile he wears contrasts how he really feels about it.
He looks out over the stretch of land.
The valley is really beautiful today.
I wish you could see it too.
I wish you were alive.
Goku flops down on the grass, taking in the aroma of the lilies. "I wish..."
"I wish… I wish that this never happened –I wish that my dad was still alive; I wish that he was the one to beat Cell. "
What's real?
Goku startles. Everything hurts. It burns.
His hands feel like they're on fire. He looks down at them.
A cardboard box stares back. In golden ink, written in his wife's delicate scrawl reads;
'Baby S: Loved deeply by his parents. On his greatest adventure.'
Against Goku's better judgement, his fingers tickle along the lid. He's numb. Only the hungry curiousity keeps him moving forward, and he knows that he shouldn't… the tips trace along the lining, and then he does it.
The lid falls.
Empty.
"I am sorry."
Goku jumps, dropping the box and lid. Instead of falling to the floor, they fall straight through into a void of obscurity. Black swallows all. There's not a sound, and he can't help but stare.
"I think this might be one of the universe's crueller works of art," the voice says airily from around him, beneath him, over him –through him. Goku looks around wildly, but there's nothing.
Black faces him, cradles him in its unknown.
"Who are you?" Goku cries out. "What's going on? Where am I?"
Where's Gohan?
A boot appears first, the curtain of intense darkness slowly offering more over time, then the lavish bold colours making up silk follows. Finely, the robes hang on the frame of an individual dripping in importance. Goku recognizes him straight away.
"You're that kai."
"Acciperé will do nicely," he smoothly replies. There's not a single injury to his face despite Goku knowing he landed at least one. The creep just saunters forward, looking like the cat that got the milk.
Goku doesn't like that soft look of amusement on his face.
I told you so it says.
He doesn't care.
"Is this Otherworld?"
Acciperé raises both brows. "Otherworld? Heavens no, no. I'm sure you remember it to be far more accommodating than this, Goku. Just where would King Yenma put his desk?"
"Then where are we?"
"Somewhere between, I suppose. It is where I, as an Order member, reside, and where we practice our craft… where we manufacture certain additions and alternations to keep the balance. It's about maintaining it however we are able to, you see."
Goku stares between the kai and the expanse of shadows.
What does that even mean?
His lips part, "just what's goi-"
Screaming rips through, and Goku barrels down to the floor, containing his ears as the piercing noise carries. The sharpness makes him cringe.
Gohan…
The screams belt out for only a short moment, before journeying elsewhere, and continuing on and into the black like a train disappearing down a tunnel.
"He's dying," the kai says.
Goku closes his eyes, rubbing them and trying to ease the frustration away. He's so confused. A heavy weight of exhaustion comes and goes in stomach-churning waves, and his body still wails from the burns.
Yet, he can't give up on the kid.
When he opens his eyes, he finds that the black and Acciperé gone. There's no horrific baby box either.
Only a grassy plain, one darkened by the night time sky. Flecks of light bounces off the blades of grass, sparkling from a morning dew-like wetness. It feels soggy against his gi pants as he moves forward. The field is like any other, dotted with occasional clusters of daisies and dashes of yellow weeds, as it also makes itself home to many a chirping insect.
He freezes on the spot, flinching when a group of birds emerge from the green swerve past him. And that's when he notices the golden light in the distance. It grows, twisting into a monstrous shape; huge and foreboding above the land.
The next gust of breath hitches in his throat. The dragon.
Goku runs and runs. He can't fly. His ki is elsewhere, he knows. Some part of him understands that this isn't real, that Gohan's out there. He's out there with the spirit bomb and the fire, and needs Goku's help. Yet those legs carry him closer and closer, until it appears the dragon's looking down, waiting, watching as Goku draws nearer.
At the dragon's base sits the dragon balls. They're in an orange, glowing cluster.
On the other side…
Goku stills.
Gohan.
But he's younger –much younger- probably around ten or so. It's strange to look at because the kid really does have a look of Goku. He can spot a replica of his own shaggy hair right away. Then there's the way the kid holds himself, and even the shape of his face that gives the impression that Goku's looking into a very strange, time-altering mirror.
However, what's oddest is that Gohan's wearing a carbon copy of Piccolo's gi; from everything down to the shoes and to the wrist bands. It's all Piccolo. Only the cape and turban is missing.
Another thing he's wearing is a sad smile. It illuminates in the warm shower of light. When the eyes lift up and focus, Goku jolts.
"Gohan?" he tries tentatively.
All the rough edges Gohan the Teenager has, aren't at all apparent here. The boy has round, soft eyes. They're not Goku's, and they're not quite Chi-Chi's. They're curiously his own.
"I wish you stopped me," the boy says, hands awkwardly curling around each other. There's gentleness to him, something Goku's surprised to see.
The Gohan he knows… well…
"I mean…" Gohan catches himself, and lifts a hand to scratch at the back of his head. Now, Goku's seen that before. A childish sigh follows. "I wish none of this happened in the first place."
Goku stares. He then turns to appraise the field once more.
"Gohan, where are we?"
The boy perks. "Oh. This is my memory. It's been locked away for a while. The Gohan, you know, out there, well… um… I don't think he wants to see this."
There's a pause.
"I think I've been sad for a while," Gohan then continues, turning to gaze up at the huge beast above, "I think I've always been just a little bit sad."
Goku frowns. "Even before the wish?"
The kid tilts his head, smiling weakly against the shine. "Yeah."
Shadows creep over the puppy fat along his cheeks. It gives him an age reflected only on the inside.
"I'm sorry I hurt you, Gohan. I don't really understand everything –but I'm trying. I'm trying to get it... But, I am sorry."
Gohan lowers his head. "Me too. For everything-"
"Gohan-"
"No," he cements, "I… I just… I get angry sometimes, and it hurts people. It hurt you, Dad."
The saiyan swallows, and then concentrates a steady gaze down. "Well… How about we make it right?"
Impossibly wide eyes follow Goku's every micromovement.
"Do you wanna' stay here forever?" he then asks the kid, "or do you want to be free of this? Free of this... this mental torture you're doing to yourself right now. I think, Gohan... I think it's time for you to let go of this-"
Let it go, the boy mouths.
Goku nods, and there's a long beat of silence. The boy looks to be mulling over everything. The weight resides in the way he's drinking in the world.
The saiyan twitches his lips up. "I can't do it for you, Gohan, you've gotta' make that decision yourself."
Live.
His hand extends out.
Be brave.
A smaller, paler hand reaches back. It wobbles against the glow.
Goku looks back up and sees that there's no longer the boy with cute, rounded eyes, but instead the bleeding, jaded teenager he's come to know.
"If you do this then there's no turning back," Gohan whispers. "I… I don't want you to hate me. I don't want to kill you again."
Goku doesn't even contemplate it.
He grabs that hand before Gohan has a chance to overthink it.
You always do that.
You've always been kind'a sensitive, haven't you?
You… I know you.
Things then… suddenly seem to change.
The floral baby box glosses with an unnatural shimmer in his mind, like someone had taken a tacky highlighter and circled it, pointing out the inconsistencies, and now that Goku's seen them he can't unsee them. Yet, that highlighter trail continues. It continues all through his twenties, pointing out the flaws, shading in where things were missing.
It stabs, stabs, stabs all around The Cell Games.
And then, it runs out of ink –and Goku is submerged, choking on that thick, poisonous ink.
Gohan.
He sees everything.
He sees Gohan's first birthday.
He sees when Gohan breaks out of Raditz's ship.
He sees Gohan right there on Namek.
He sees Gohan becoming champion of The Cell games.
He sees.
Gohan.
My son.
His eyes open wide.
I see.
Winded, breath leaves him.
But the frenzied situation quickly grounds him. Wind still gusts around them in smothering droves, and the light is even brighter than Goku remembers. In front of him, Gohan is just about holding on. Fresh rivers of blood stream from his nose, and he shakes just as much as the ground below.
Goku glances up.
The spirit bomb still lives. It's huge now, bigger than Goku's ever created before. And now that he thinks about it, this must be where most of the white light is now eradiating from. It swaggers in Goku's grasp, trying to jump and bounce free. Really, it wants to fly. Desperately so.
"Gohan!" he shouts out, and shouts again when it proves nearly impossible to be heard over the wind. His lungs deflate when he screams the name again.
Gohan, agonized, finally responds. Gosh, he looks really torn up.
The earth snarls, agitating ferociously. It's not going to hold much longer.
This is it.
He lets go of Gohan's hand, much to the other's horror. The burning ceases. Yet, there's an immediate shriek which follows from the boy. It's hard to hear but Goku knows it needs to happen this way.
Gohan wails and wails, tortured by the on flow of red-hot ki.
Then Goku grasps at the flailing jumper and draws Gohan close so he can shout one word in his ear.
"Transform."
The response is physical. Gohan twitches so hard that he head butts against Goku, sending him dizzy. A cough follows, and then a sob.
"Gohan, we can't afford this right now. Transform!"
"I-I…"
"Gohan!"
I know you can.
"I c-cant!"
I've seen it.
"Do it!"
"Argh… it… it…"
Goku throws the jumper back and Gohan stumbles over. It takes nearly all of Goku's energy to stand, but he manages it. His other hand rises to steady the spirit bomb as Gohan looks up, horror-struck.
I'm pushing you again.
"You know how. I've seen it inside you. Be strong and remember."
I'm sorry… again.
The boy convulses on the floor, knees raging against the dirt.
"I love you, Gohan."
Then he pushes the bomb upwards. It carries up and along the horizon, climbing like a new sun, taking the light with it as it seems to eternally ascend. Some of the heat goes with it, parting the clouds as a fresh applause of thunder follows; cracks of lightning also nipping at its heel.
As though being vacuumed up, Goku feels himself being pulled along to follow, to join the goliath's orbit as it goes. The weather, in retaliation, seems to double down. The sand beats down harder; the wind courses with a renewed passion, and the fire, the one wanting to swallow everything still hungers ever more.
In fact, the fire breeds. More and more does it spread out, all honing from the same source.
Gohan…
And it's this final time that he turns to face his son that he notices something new.
Two cool, teal-blue eyes face back at him. They contrast icily against the heat -against the sun-kissed hair that snaps up, flowing against the flames.
Gold and orange merge.
There you are.
I see you.
And then Gohan gives out a final scream and -
And then nothing.
.
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I'm... pretty tired... after this one. Goku POVs are always challenge because he has a very special nature about him, and I hope that I've done it justice here. As fearless as Goku is, I do think he has things that can wobble him just a wee bit. He's kind of out of his depth here, and I wanted to show him wavering between that uncertainty and desire to do what's right.
Gohan, on the other hand, well, he's a mess. I've wanted to show what a breakdown looks like from a different character's persepective for a while. It's not pretty, but we finally finally finally have someone break through that thick skull of his.
Next chapter will be out pretty soon I'd wager. It's going to be really short, here's ya warning. And then... then I do believe it's only one more chapter (let us pray) after that left -and then an epilogue.
Freedom. I can taste ya.
I really do hope you've enjoyed this chapter. It's been intimidating to write, and I've been worried about doing it justice because I've known about this ending from the start. I really fell in love with the idea that The Cell Games never really ended for Gohan, and that's why these two are doing this here at the very location, back where this mess all started.
Also, yeah, I just wanna' thank everyone who has supported me with this story, especially to the reviewers. Everyone has been wonderful to talk to. I wish I could reply to the guest reviews because it means a lot to hear what you think too. Thank you, really. And on that note, I would totally dig a review for this chappie. It took bloody ages and made me question my own sanity at least thirty times.
Again, thanks!
Stay safe.