Thanks for the reviews guys! Not to worry, harm and Mac will fix things soonly... Mac will start to receive Harm's letters. :)
CHAPTER 18 - Vulnerable
"You seem exhausted and, if I may add, much more apprehensive than when you began." Doctor Taylor also noted that Mac was in civvies not her usual Marine Uniform. "You also didn't make it to work today."
Mac sat in her usual chair wearing slacks and a button down blouse, something tasteful but comfy all the same. The circles under her eyes would noy be concealed no matter how many different foundations she tried. "I had leave on the books, decided to take a few days."
Dr. Taylor motioned to the book gripped tightly between the Marine's hands. "Did you manage to get any homework done?"
Mac glanced down at the book and heaved a sigh. Writing was never her thing. She preferred the courtroom to the endless amount of paperwork that came with each case. But, this was much different; the words dictated her past, the bumps she'd buried and forgotten. It was cathartic but perhaps the most frightening revelation was learning how badly she needed help.
She swallowed hard, "Yeah. I didn't realize how prolific I could be."
"You never wrote a diary as a child?"
"No. Writing wasn't for me. I liked to draw and paint." She tapped the book and then slid it across the doctor's desk offering it up like a sacrifice. "I didn't realize I had so many things bottled up...and I was right, my problems begin and end with men." She said the last words with disgust and then slammed back into the chair. "It makes me feel pathetic."
Dr. Taylor quickly flipped through the book surprised at how many pages were filled. She knew this likely took her patient the whole weekend to pen down and realized exactly where Mac's exhaustion came from. "You had a lot to write about."
"Some things we already discussed, others...It...it starts where we left off, of course. I originally labeled it 'How I murdered my husband' but that sounded terribly stupid and its something much more complicated than that. I mean, I did murder him and...and, I'm rambling." Mac caught herself as the words flew out of her mouth without much thought or pause. It was a testament to how much writing had shaken her. "I'm sorry."
"No need to apologize, it's a heavy subject. I'll admit, it left me rather curious."
"Well, it's all there...everything." Mac passively motioned to the book, expecting that the homework was a way for the doctor to glimpse at her past in its totality. She figured there would be notes from the doctor or lengthy conversations about how to make things better. "Even the parts I wanted to forget are there... You can read about it."
Dr. Taylor shook her head. "No, Colonel." She taped the journal and then slid it to the end of the desk closest to Mac. "This isn't for me to read, its for you to remember and open up...So about that 'stupid' subject...why do you think you murdered your husband?"
Mac snorted at the question but then, it was a topic that was clearly hard to get a handle on. It sounded absurd even to her. "Because I did...Chris had been following me for years only I didn't know. I put all of that behind me, all of it, determined to turn my life around. And I did." By the time she arrived at Okinawa under the command of Farrow, Mac had shiny officer's insignia on her uniform. He had been a breath of fresh air, a man who valued her self worth and treated her with the respect due an officer when many others saw her as just a skirt masquerading as a Marine. Thinking back, Mac realized one key detail: if he really respected her, Farrow would have kept his distance. "I didn't intend to have that kind of relationship...it happened."
"Did he force yourself on you?"
Mac shook her head. "God no. Not at all… He didn't abuse his power and nothing ever happened on base. We bumped into each other at a restaurant...We kissed and things evolved. He was kind to me. We both needed something at that time." She didn't think about Chris anymore either. "Someone reported the impropriety and I find out, years later, that it was my Husband."
"How did he find you?"
"As much as I was upset with my father, I wrote to him then, told him where I was stationed." That was the only way Ragle would have known of Mac's whereabouts. "He found me, intended to get back together...But when he saw John and me...I am lucky I have my career still. John was reprimanded...I got off easy."
Too easy and with a future which led her down a path to JAG. "He recommended me for law school...Sometimes I wonder if I'm good enough or if our...affair gave me an unfair advantage."
It was one of those things which plagued Mac at her most loneliest - the self-deprecating thoughts of self worth.
"Colonel, you are a highly regarded member of the JAG Corps working at a coveted spot. If you weren't good enough you wouldn't have made it this far."
"Fair point but, I didn't make it here on my own."
Dr. Taylor turned and pointed to the diploma behind her. "I disliked psychology. I wanted to be a veterinarian until my brother shot himself due to a mental illness. We all get guided in life and some of us are lucky to find our way. I don't regret my career choice, do you?"
"No." She didn't. It saved her and brought so many special people into her life. "I'm sorry about your brother."
"Thank you...Now, I know it's a terrible conversation but, let's talk about your husband's death. You said you killed him. From the look in your eyes, it's not a facetious comment."
Mac shook her head. "It happened...I'm still confused and how it all went down...Why he bothered coming back… I guess I never really told him we were through." She ran, that was her modus operandi, the same thing that she'd accused Harm of doing - Mac felt like a hypocrite. "At first, it was money. A loan shark was collecting and I gave up my savings because…"
"Because?"
She took a breath and let it out slowly, still unsure why she would do such a thing. It was all that she'd scraped together by being frugal and avoiding impulse buys. A downpayment that she was trying to build to eventually buy a house and have that equity for the future and she gave it all up to someone that wasn't exactly deserving. "Because I loved him once, or thought I did...I stupidly felt indebted. Chris had this, magic over me and the moment he shows up it felt like being a teenager again."
"You never forget your first."
"No, you don't." And for old times sake she'd let him stay over, relegating him to the couch and making sure her bedroom door was closed. She wouldn't lay with him no matter what the odds were especially since Mac knew her heart belonged to a certain Naval Lt. Commander. "When I realized it was about the money, I gave it to him hoping he'd disappear and leave me alone. My life was going well and I could see him ruining me. I hoped he would leave me alone." But he didn't and for the briefest of moments the stoic Marine faltered, reverting back to Sarah, the weak woman. "He didn't."
Chris was still attractive, still had a kind of charisma that would have lured in a younger Mac. He was charming in a way but, she had the mindset to never become involved with him again and made that clear. She went to Harm, needing help, advice and a shoulder to cry on. Mac knew he would likely be upset by the news of her marriage, the lack of her telling him that deep secret but, when she went to his apartment a certain Congresswoman was there.
It hurt to see him occupied with another woman, the dinner he was making while dressed a little too nice for a simple tete-a-tete with Bobbi. She saw the flowers, the candlelit table and heard the soft music in the background. It was a scene set to seduce, not that Bobbi needed any help in that department. Mac was sure Harm understood her feelings and held back for the same reason she did. Seeing him with Bobbi crushed whatever hopes she had and so Mac stupidly went to Farrow instead of insisting on speaking to Harm.
In a way it was likely for the best to save Harm from the mess she'd thrown Farrow into. He was far too hot headed - a man of action - and could see him doing something stupid to protect her like he'd done a year earlier.
Dr. Taylor noticed Mac was now breathing slightly off each exhale coming on a shaky rush of air from her lungs. "It's okay, Colonel...breathe slowly."
"I went to my partner for help when I saw Chris wouldn't leave. I needed him, needed advice."
"Why go to your partner?"
Because, at one point, they would have done anything for one another. "Because I trusted him with my life. But, Harm was busy and I was desperate."
"And who did you go to for help?"
Mac sighed, that was where things got complicated. She likely should have called the authorities but, the Marine inside of her needed to work things out on her own. The woman inside of her needed to forget her marriage or the fact that they never divorced. "I stupidly went to John and made things worse… He felt the need to defend my honor, I guess."
She thought back to that night, meeting Ragle at his hotel was her stupidest mistake. She should have found a public space, an area he wouldn't have made a scene and be done with it.
"He had a gun, forced me to take it in my hand and point it at his chest." Mac laughed without feeling at the melodrama of it all, the man who would rather die than see her with another. "He threatened my life, my future family's lives. Said I'd have to kill him before he stopped coming after me."
This was the second time a man was so obsessed with her it ended in death. Maybe Harm was right in his off color comment? "I dropped the pistol on the bed and he took it...I'm...I can't remember how exactly it happened but, the gun was between us and then it went off. It took me a while to realize I had pulled the trigger, for a moment, I thought I had been shot but no… It was Chris and he was dead."
"What did you feel when he passed?"
"Relief." Even as she'd detailed the story in her journal, Mac felt a wave of sadness crash over. Not over Ragle's death but the fact that it didn't bother her as much as it should have. "So relieved and then scared because I knew I would be arrested until it was sorted out."
She felt a bit of disgust that her future as a Marine was in jeapordy and that mattered more than someone's life. But then, she knew what Chris was capable of, the lengths he would go to see his projects through. She loved him once when a young Sarah didn't know better. "DC Police gave the case over to JAG deciding it was best to be handled internally. I purjered myself during my trial. I knew better...And I turned into every lying sack of shit client I've ever had." And it was all for a stupid reason, to save John's career when telling the truth would have done just the same. Their affair had happened too long ago to matter and yet, she'd created this convoluted story which made Harm's defense impossible. Thankfully, he had her back then, searching for witnesses who would shed light on the shooting. He saved her again but, at an expensive cost. "I think...no, no...I know that's when things between Harm and me began to fall apart."
"Harm? I think you mentioned that name a time or two in the first session…"
"My partner at JAG." Of course she would bring him up because for the last six years everything in her life seemed to revolve around him. "You can't speak much about my life without him coming up."
"If he's important to you, that's understandable."
"He's the one." Mac gasped at her admission and then laughed at how much that statement sounded like something out of a romance novel. It was the truth after all, he was everything to her and so much more. "Yeah, he's the one I want to be with..We had this...this...chemistry. I've never felt anything like it. All consuming, magical… special... and I thought. I believed he felt the same…" Mac figured they were heading there after that first trip to Russia. They were spending so much time together outside of work. Weekend runs, coffee shop dates on Sundays and the occasional touring of DC.. They'd become closer than friends without breaching an unspoken, invisible line.
"From the sounds of things, you aren't together anymore."
"We never really were and I'm not sure what we are at the moment." Mac knew what she wanted but it was difficult for her to forget the comment he made to Sturgis. Shr was also fighting her own insecurity, what their friends would think if they knew why her relationship with Mic really crashed and burned. "He's the one I had the affair with...God, I hate calling it that. It makes it sound so...cheap and wrong and..."
"What other word would you like to use? Affair doesn't have to be a nasty word you know?"
Angrily, Mac brushed away a tear that suddenly fell. How did that song go? If loving you is wrong, I don't wanna be right. "I don't know. I've been trying to find a word to define it and, there just isn't any. I also don't know why he waited so long. He waits until I'm unavailable and then gets this… this jealousy. He had his chance to stop me...He says that he loves me and I don't know… I am so scared to give in and find out I am not who he really wants."
"The fact that you don't want to call it an affair tells me that it meant something. The fact that he says he loves you is something worth looking into, taking a chance."
"With Harm it's all or nothing… and I don't want to be forced into anything."
"Did Harm force you?"
"No! He would never.. it's me and my roller coaster of emotions." What she wanted most was to be with him and now that he was so close it was frightening that she would just give in. "I want to be with him but I hate what that makes me."
"And what is that?"
"Vulnerable."