AN: A nice long chapter for you guys. It's kind of heavy stuff. But both our characters have some important break throughs, I think. They're still a long way from fixed but this chapter is a turning point for sure. Hope you enjoy.
"So, I move into my new place on Friday," Logan informed their therapist from his spot on the couch.
Fatima looked back and forth between the couple before landing on Rory who was fidgeting uncomfortably next to him.
"How do you feel about that?" she asked her.
"Crappy," Rory replied.
Fatima nodded her head. "You've gotten used to having Logan around again."
"Well, yeah," she replied with an eye roll. "We have a newborn; it'd be nice to have her Dad around."
"You weren't planning on having Logan around at all though," Fatima reminded her.
Rory crossed her arms and let out a harrumph—Logan was pretty certain he literally heard the word 'harrumph' come out of her mouth. "I really wish people would stop bringing that up."
"You made a bad choice," Fatima advised her, raising her eyebrows and looking at her over the tops of her glasses. "You have to learn to live with the consequences of that decision."
"I didn't make the decision in a bubble," she defended.
"No, you didn't. But you still made it. You knew it was wrong and you made it anyway."
"I did not. I thought I was doing the right thing," Rory protested. Fatima stared at her unblinkingly. "I did!" she insisted. "My Dad knew about me and he was in and out of my life all the time. I didn't want that for my daughter."
"I'm not your Dad, Rory," Logan broke in. How dare she imply that he would act like some scared, 16-year-old kid. "I'm a grown man, and my own person. Don't you dare put that on me."
"You're leaving," she gave a derisive shrug. "You flew back into our lives and now you're moving out."
"What am I supposed to do? Move into your mother's house? I dropped my entire life in London to be here for our daughter. And don't you dare pretend you ever thought I would do anything else. Your decision was never about being worried I wouldn't be present enough. You were probably afraid I'd propose again," he rolled his eyes.
"Oh my god, enough with the damn proposal," Rory threw her hands up in exasperation. "I know rejection is a concept you're not that familiar with in your rich, privileged life, but it was ten freaking years ago; can you please get the hell over it?"
Fatima cut in here, just as he was about to snap back. "It's been over a decade since Rory rejected your marriage proposal, Logan," she replied coolly, "and yet, you keep coming back to it as evidence that she didn't want a real relationship with you. Why do you think this is such a sticking point for you?"
He took a deep breath, trying to escape the amygdala hijack that had him itching for a fight. The memory had faded over time but there were still bits that felt as vivid as though they were yesterday. The sad, longing look in her eyes; the feel of velvet as he plucked the box out of her hand; the stabbing pain in his chest like a half dozen broken ribs skewering his lungs and making it almost impossible to inhale.
He'd hated that he'd felt that way. That he'd let another person make him feel that way. He'd never intended to fall in love. Though he knew from the moment she told him off in front of her dorm that she could be the one to make him. He tried to stay away but it was a futile effort and when she'd offered no strings, he could tell he was entering dangerous territory. But what was life without a little danger? So he jumped. He jumped off that cliff and it had changed his entire life; it had changed him. Being with Rory had helped him to accept the hand he was given, to take responsibility for his actions, to take charge of his own life, to become then man she knew he could be. She had helped make the man that had the strength and fortitude to leave his preordained destiny behind. But she was supposed to be his parachute and when he pulled the ripcord, she hadn't opened, and he had gone splat.
He sighed. "Because I needed her," he admitted. He'd needed her then, more than he'd ever needed anyone or anything.
"But I…" Rory started to interject.
Fatima held up a hand to stop her. "This is his experience. Let him tell it."
"I'd just lost everything. My family, my job, my money…" he turned to look at Rory. "I know the money isn't important, but I'd never been without it before. I'd always had it there; I had no idea how to live on a budget. Everything was gone. Everything I'd counted on my entire life. And suddenly I was walking without a net. And you…you were my balance poll—the only thing left to help keep me from falling. I needed you, Rory. And you chose your wide-open future over me. You abandoned me when I needed you the most."
Logan finished, looking back and forth between Fatima and Rory. Rory was tense and he could tell she was dying to speak. Fatima gave a tiny nod, and the words instantly burst from Rory's lips.
"I wanted to be there for you," she cried. "I wanted to stay together. Just because I wasn't ready to move 3000 miles away and say 'I do' doesn't mean we had to break up. That was your decision."
"I didn't just need you to be my girlfriend. I needed you to be there with me. I was starting from scratch. A daily Skype call and some dirty texts weren't going to cut it."
"But you said! You said not to factor you in. You said I should do what I wanted to do, and you would factor me in! You knew how much my career mattered to me. You knew how important it was for me to make a name for myself. And then all of a sudden you want me to be 'Mrs. Huntzberger' and follow you across the country!"
"So what? I'm not allowed to expect my girlfriend to support me in one of the worst moments of my life without being a sexist jerk?"
"I'm going to stop you there." Fatima said. "You both just said some really important things that I think we need to acknowledge, and defensiveness is natural, but it's not going to help. I want you both to take a deep breath so that we can process this."
She gave them a moment to do as she said before continuing on. "Rory, it sounds like you feel like Logan broke a promise to you."
"That's because he did."
"Circumstances changed. I'd found a job and you hadn't."
"It sounds like Rory had an expectation that that promise was unconditional." Logan squeezed his eyes shut, pushing down the guilt that bubbled up. He had made a promise. But he didn't know. He didn't know that the perfect job would present itself. He didn't know it would be in California. And he didn't know how scared he would feel out there at the interview imagining trying to build a life standing on his own two feet without his father's help. How much just the thought of doing it with her made it all better. He didn't know how much he needed her when he made that promise. Fatima turned to Rory. "How did it make you feel when he suddenly wanted you to not only factor him it, but make your decision based on him?"
She didn't answer right away. A part of him wanted to look at her, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He just stared at his hands, anxiously rubbing together in his lap. "I felt…" she finally started then faltered for a moment. He heard her inhale sharply before continuing on. "I felt betrayed. He'd always been one of my biggest champions. He'd always supported me and wanted me to be successful. And he stood up for me against his family. And then, when his family wasn't even a factor anymore, suddenly he wanted me to be what they'd wanted me to be—the good wife, taking care of her man. So how can I trust him to not do it again? I mean, sure, he supported me and my career all throughout our affair. But that's easy when there are no real stakes. What if we were really together? If we were a couple? How could I count on him to not do it again? To not suddenly ask me to compromise my career for his if a choice needed to be made?"
"Compromise is part of a relationship, Rory." Fatima reminded her. "It's not wrong for him to ask you to make a compromise, just like it's not wrong for you to ask him to do so. But you both need to communicate and enforce your own boundaries. You're going to need to make a lot of compromises as a mother. Is that something you're ready to do?"
The silence from Rory was deafening. "I don't know," she finally answered.
Fatima nodded, accepting her answer, then turning to him. "Logan, It sounds like you feel like Rory abandoned you in your time of need. In a time when you were still reeling from the abandonment of your family."
"I didn't abandon him. He broke up with me," Rory broke in again.
"And what else was I supposed to do?" He asked her. "You made your choice—you wanted the unplanned future and the open doors. But I had more of the unknown than I could handle. I needed some sense of security. It was hard enough as it was, but how could I ever gain my footing if I was constantly waiting around for you to decide you were ready to settle down?"
"What did you want from me? I couldn't just make myself be ready on your timeline."
"And are you ready now, Rory? Are you ever going to be ready? How long did you expect to leave me hanging?"
"Are you?" she asked harshly. "Because you've made it clear on more than one occasion that you think the idea of marrying me now is absurd."
"Well excuse me if current circumstances have given me some pause." He rolled his eyes.
"What I'm seeing," Fatima broke in, "is that there is a lot of fractured trust on both sides here.
She wasn't wrong about that. He nodded his head and let her go on.
She set the tablet that she'd been holding down on the end table next to her and crossed her legs. "Trust is like a bank. Everything you say, everything you do—you're either making a deposit or a withdrawal. And it sounds like the proposal and subsequent breakup kind of shattered the piggy bank. Then you got back together but you never fixed the bank. You," she looked pointedly at Logan, "seeing Rory while in another serious, committed relationship," she turned her attention to Rory, "Your continued inability to commit…were just symptoms of the broken bank. And there were these pieces of trust—these deposits that were enough to keep you coming back to each other, but they had nowhere to go. They were just lying there like coins, strewn across the floor. And then came Lila. And Rory, I get why you wouldn't want your raise your child in that mess, crawling around amidst broken shards of ceramic. So you tried to clean it up, wipe it away…but what you never really considered was fixing the bank. Neither of you ever tried to glue the pieces back together. And now Logan knows and the two of you are tied together forever, so you want to try to fix the bank—for Lila's sake and for yours. But you can't just fish the pieces out of the trash bin and expect them all to be there. It's going to be hard work, putting the pieces back together and filling in the holes."
You're mad at yourself for letting her walk away. Isn't that what Finn had said? God damn him and his savant like insightfulness.
"I let you walk away." Logan said out loud, turning to Rory.
"What?"
"That morning in New Hampshire…I let you walk away. Finn said…"
"I'm sorry, are you really starting a statement in our therapy session with 'Finn said…'?"
"I know," Logan laughed. "What is the world coming too? But god help me, he had a point and I think it's basically what Fatima just said. Yeah, I'm mad at you for keeping Lila from me. But I let you walk away. We both broke the bank. And we both failed to fix it. If I had done something to fix the bank; if I hadn't let you walk away; if, when you asked me if I was really going to marry Odette, I had said, 'not if you tell me not to,' then maybe we could have fixed it, and it wouldn't have been a pile of wreckage that you could just brush to the side."
"Yes," Fatima said with a beaming smile, "excellent insight. So," she clapped her hands together, "now that we have that settled, we need to figure out how to start rebuilding and communication is key. You need to be able to tell each other what you need. So, Rory, tell Logan, what do you need from him in order to start rebuilding trust?"
Logan tried to read her face as she sat there silently. She wasn't holding back, she just seemed not to know what to say.
"You said before that you had trouble trusting that he wouldn't ask you to compromise your career for his," Fatima guided. "Is there something he could do to help with that?"
"I…I don't know. I mean, I guess in a way he already did. He left London and moved here for us. And he risked a lot to do it." She turned to face him. "That means a lot, it really does. But it also scares me, I guess. Because you're…you're larger than life, Logan. And I guess it's more like I don't trust myself. I don't trust me to not lose myself in you completely. I mean, it happens over and over. I've turned myself into a 'no strings' girl for you; I've let myself become a kept woman, living in an apartment you paid for and didn't even live in; I've let myself be in Vegas—so desperate to have just the tiniest piece of you. When things get rough, I just call you up, even when we're not really together. I let you rescue me."
"But I…" he started to break in.
"And I know," she cut him off, seeming to sense his objection before he even mouthed it. "I know that most of that isn't on you. I made those decisions. You didn't ask me to compromise, I compromised myself. And so—I don't know if this is the right answer because it's supposed to be about what you can do to regain my trust—"
"There is no right or wrong answer," Fatima assured her.
"Okay," Rory glanced at her and nodded before turning back to Logan. "Well, I guess what I need from you is to stop enabling me. If I'm going to trust you, I need to know that you'll remind me of who I am when I'm feeling lost. I need you to not always just go along with whatever I say even when you know it's wrong. I need you to not always swoop in and try to fix everything even when I ask you to. I need you to let me fix my own life. I need you to-oh god…" Her eyes went wide in realization.
"What?"
"I need," she chuckled ironically, "I need you to move out," her body sagged in resignation.
"Umm—" He wasn't sure what to say to that since he already was. Although he had to admit, a part of him felt slighted at her concession; as much as he knew he had to move out for both their sakes, there was a certain satisfaction in her wanting him to stay.
She laughed again. "You were right. Damn it." She shook her head, letting out an exasperated breath. "Damn you for always being right. But you said it—the night of Lila's party; I've been looking for you to rescue me again. I feel so in over my head with this parenting thing and it just seems to come so naturally to you—which, by the way, I hate you for. Do you ever have to work hard at anything?"
"I have to work hard at you," he admitted, raising an eyebrow teasingly though it was a pretty accurate statement.
Rory rolled her eyes and ignored him. "I was supposed to do this by myself. Mom did it by herself…"
He started to open his mouth again to protest—he was Lila's father, she was as much his responsibility as hers—but again she just kept on going. "Okay, maybe I wasn't supposed to, but I was planning to. And as hard as it is, I never doubted I could do it. But then you showed up and I just…clung to you. I've been letting you take care of me as much as Lila."
"I like taking care of you."
"I know, but that's the problem."
He just shrugged because he knew it was the truth. He would happily take care of her—get her whatever she needed. But what Rory needed wasn't to be coddled, it was to be empowered. She was independent to a fault and that was a trait he both loved and hated. She amazed him constantly with her wit, intelligence, strength, and ambition. And he knew when she was with him it was because she wanted him, not his money or influence. But he also wanted to feel needed.
"So Logan," Fatima suggested, "maybe the best way you can take care of Rory is to encourage her take care of herself when she feels herself faltering instead of stepping in to try to make it all better."
He sighed. "I guess I can do that."
"Good. Then why don't we move on to you. Tell Rory what it is you need from her in order to start trusting her again.
The first answer popped into his mind immediately, but he struggled to say it. The last time he'd brought it up it hadn't gone well.
Fatima could clearly see the struggle in his face. "Logan?" she prodded.
He took a deep breath. "I need her to make Lila a Huntzberger." He glanced at Rory out of the corner of his eye. She straightened up defensively.
"I…" she started then stopped.
"Yes?" Fatima encouraged. "How do you feel about that?"
"I just…I just don't get why she has to have his name just because he's the man," Rory insisted. "I mean, I'm her mother, why is my name any less valuable than his?" She turned to him. "You know how important that name is to me. It's been passed down through generations of strong, successful women in my family. The name Lorelai Gilmore means something."
Logan gritted his teeth together. Here she was trying to make him sexist and inconsiderate for asking for this. Yeah, he understood the history behind that name, but that didn't make his name any less important. "This isn't some sexist powerplay. You kept our daughter from me. You named her without any input from me. You made all the decisions."
"Hey! You admitted that you were just as much to blame…"
"No, I said that I was partially responsible for the situation that led to your bad decision. 'Just as much to blame' is a stretch to say the least."
"Logan, I absolutely understand you wanting your daughter to share your name. But tell us, why is this important in reestablishing your trust in Rory?"
He tried to think…to figure out how to put it into words. If he was being honest, that day in the hospital, he'd mostly wanted Lila to have his name as some sort of stamp. Proof to the world and a reminder to Rory that she was his. It sounded terrible now—like his daughter was a piece of luggage he was putting a name tag on so it wouldn't get stollen. He knew now that Rory wasn't going to take her away again. He knew he'd always be a welcome presence in his daughter's life. But being a presence in her life wasn't enough. He was her father and he deserved to have just as big of a role in her life as Rory did.
"I guess…" he started. "I guess I need to know that she's ready to let me in and fully embrace my role in Lila's life."
"I do!" Rory whipped her head around, seemingly shocked that he would suggest otherwise.
"No," he shook his head. "You may think you do, but you don't. You still see her as your daughter, not ours. And I'm just there to fit into the life that you planned. Our relationship has always revolved around you and what you want. And you said before that you need me to start calling you out when you're wrong and not just go along with whatever you say. And this may not have been the way you meant it, but this is how it goes. You're acting like you're still in this alone. And I get that you were raised by your mother and that's the family dynamic you're used to. But you're not your mother and I'm not your father, Rory. I'm Lila's Dad and I deserve to be treated like an equal."
"I…" she stuttered, unsure how to respond.
"Do you see any truth to what Logan said?"
"I…I don't…I mean…" she stopped and he could see the words trying to form themselves into thoughts behind her blue eyes like some word cloud. "I guess," she exhaled. "I mean, I never really thought about it like that. I don't think of him as any less of a parent than me, I swear. But…I mean, for nine months it was just Lila and me. And I know that's on me; that it was my choice. But it's just a fact. I never really thought about him being in her life." He winced visibly. It wasn't exactly a surprise but hearing it out loud like that…She must have noticed. "I mean, I did," she quickly corrected. "I thought about it all the time. But it was a fantasy—like how I used to daydream about meeting Chad Michael Murray and falling madly in love."
"Chad Michael Murray?" Logan tried to hold back the laughter.
"I was 16," she snapped. "We all have our embarrassing pasts, Mr. Alyssa Milano."
"I'm sorry—" he replied with thinly veiled mirth, "you were saying?" The moment of playful banter was a brief respite in this emotionally taxing conversation.
"I was saying," she replied with annoyance, her blue eyes sparkling like they did when he used to piss her off, but in that good way like they were debating a character in a book. This must be what Fatima meant about the moments of trust with no bank to hold them. These moments; the moments where despite all the anger and betrayal, the love shown through. But that was the problem too, because when things got hard, it was easier just to cling to that feeling without actually doing the work. He had to do the work, and not get distracted by that sparkle in her eyes.
"I never stopped wanting you to be in our lives. I just…It didn't seem like a real possibility. It was just a dream. What was real was that I was alone and pregnant, and you were getting married to someone else. And so I planned this life without you. Only now you're here and maybe a part of me feels like it's still a dream. So yeah, of course I want you to be just as big a part of Lila's life as I am, but it's hard to forget about the plan and let go of control because what if I wake up and realize none of this ever really happened?"
"But I am here, Rory. I'm here and no matter what happens between us as a couple, I'm not going anywhere."
"I know that, I do, I just…" her eyes were starting to brim with tears.
"Hey," he reached for her hand, intertwining their fingers. "I'm here. And 100% not a figment of your imagination."
She giggled, wiping at the moisture on her cheeks.
"What?" he asked.
"I just had this picture of you all purple with orange horns and wings." She laughed again.
"Umm…"
"The Disney character…" she prodded him. He had no idea what she was talking about.
"My god, I know your parents weren't warm and fuzzy but someone must have taken you to Disney World as a child."
"Sorry," he shrugged. His childhood family vacations were mostly just adult vacations where he and Honor got watched by the Nanny while his parents were off galivanting.
"That is not okay," Rory announced. "We are going to Disney as soon as Lila is old enough."
"Deal," he replied with a bittersweet smile. The silence that followed was a good one, but it didn't last long.
"So then, Rory, Lila's name is important to you, but it's important to Logan too. He's expressed his need for a real, tangible sign that you accept his role as Lila's father. Is changing Lila's surname something you think you can do?"
Rory squeezed her eyes shut, gnawing at her lip. She inhaled deeply, then opened her lids. "Lorelai Honor Gilmore-Huntzberger?" she asked slowly. He could see how painful it was for her; she was giving something up here.
There was a tightness in his chest as he nodded his head in affirmation.
Rory blinked again, nodding as well. "Okay."
He let out the breath he didn't know he was holding. He squeezed the hand that was still in his grasp. "Thank you," he said.
AN: So there you have it. Another angst filled therapy session. But at least they're getting somewhere. I know a lot of you mentioned you think Rory should move out of Stars Hollow with Logan, but I hope this shows why that may not be the best idea right now. Yeah, I agree that emotionally she needs to get out of Stars Hollow and grow up. She needs to stop letting Lorelai rescuse her as much as she needs to stop letting Logan rescue her. But practically speaking, she can't move out on her own, and moving in with Logan right now defeats the purpose of her learning to stop getting lost in him. I feel like Rory is a control freak but with Logan she feels out of control in that way that big love tends to do to us and then she gets freaked out by that an puts up more walls. She winds up wavering between these two extremes. So she needs to get her life in order a little more so she doesn't fall back into that trap again.
PS-in case you missed is I started working on Family Affairs again and posted a new chapter last week so go check it out and leave a review.