Chapter 22: Ellie

I woke up to see the stars had dissipated and the sun was just rising over the horizon. The air was still cool and crisp, ocean nearly still. Groaning, I sat up slowly. My whole body ached and my throat was killing me. My emotions were numb. As I looked around my surroundings, I was amazed to see a field of ice encompassing us. The ice glistened from the peaking sun, looking like clear cut glass.

And in the middle of it, there was a ship we were approaching. My hopes were finally lifted.

We were saved.

Time seemed to move at such a slow pace as we made it to the ship called Carpathia. In a blur, the officers began to help us all aboard. My mind just felt so foggy, and I struggled to stand up when it was my turn to leave the lifeboat.

"Come here, Ellie, I'll help you up," I blinked, looking up at Officer Lowe, holding out his hand to help me on deck. I took it slowly.

"How many?"

"What?"

"How many people did you bring back?" I asked him quietly. He sighed, breaking eye contact with me.

"Only six."

"Jesus," my nausea set back in.

"I'm so sorry," he let out, getting choked up, "It was just too late. I can say last night has become the worst of my life. I'm sorry I couldn't do more."

"You went back," I held back tears, "No one else can say that."

He nodded solemnly.

"Take care of yourself, Ellie."

"You too, officer Lowe."

"Harold," he gave me a small smile.

"Harold," I corrected myself, giving him a small smile back.

At least he tried.

"Oh dear, you must be traumatized," almost in an instant a stewardess with a strong English accent was by my side, wrapping me in a blanket, "Please, take this too, you have to be freezing," she shoved a cup of hot tea in my hand.

"Thank you."

"There's coffee too if you prefer, brandy as well, and there's a line for a hot breakfast buffet," I couldn't even bear the thought of stomaching any food, "We're still figuring out arrangements with cabins, a lot of passengers and crew have given up their rooms, or they're willing to share them. We'll update everyone when some space opens up."

"That's very kind of you all."

"It's the least we can do," she motioned over towards an entryway across the deck, "If you just go in through that entrance there, you'll find the dining area. Everything is there, and they'll have you check in."

"Understood," I nodded, "Thank you again."

"My pleasure, miss," she smiled, and then was off tending to the next person.

Sighing, I took a sip of the tea she had handed me. The warmth soothed my throat, and was comforting. I continued to drink it as I made my way to the dining area, keeping the blanket she gave me wrapped tightly. As I approached, I could see the crowd of other survivors spill out from the entrance. It was insanity.

"Excuse me, miss," an older woman approached me, practically shoving a photograph of a young man in my face, "My son, this is my son. I can't find him anywhere, have you seen him?"

"N-no, m'am," I stammered, caught off guard, "I'm sorry, I just got here."

"His name is Robert, please," she looked into my eyes, "Please let me know if you find him, he's a strong swimmer, I know he's here."

"I'm sorry," I brushed past her, nausea growing stronger. I couldn't take much more of this. I was starting to feel dizzy.

I walked in the opposite direction of the dining area. There was no way I could handle being around people right now. I needed some time to breathe before my worst fears were confirmed.

I made my way to the railing of the deck, taking deep breaths before leaning against it. I chugged my tea, setting the empty cup on the deck, and attempted to occupy my mind with my surroundings. I noticed an older man, second-class type, smoking a cigarette a few feet away from me.

"Mind if I steal one of those?" I asked him. I was looking for anything to take the edge off. He looked me up and down, shrugged, and fished one out of his pocket.

"Here you go, miss. You look like you need one."

"Thank you," I stuck it in my mouth and he lit it for me before walking off.

I looked out to the ocean, inhaling. As I breathed it in, I was reminded as to why I didn't smoke in the first place. I started gagging before tossing it overboard. It wasn't a habit I was going to take up anytime soon.

"Ellie?" I turned around, hearing my name.

"Mother!" It felt so nice seeing a familiar face. I brought her in for a hug.

"Thank God you are alright, I was so worried about you."

"I know, mother. I was worried about you too."

"Have you seen Rose?"

"I haven't," I swallowed.

"She refused to get on a lifeboat," I could see tears welling in her eyes, "We're fearing the worst. We've been here for about an hour and there's been no sign of her."

"We?"

"Me and Cal, of course."

"Oh," I replied flatly. The thought of him being here on Carpathia, knowing how much easier it was for him to survive compared to Tommy, left me with a bitter taste in my mouth.

"He saw her jump off the lifeboat she was on."

"I know, I was with her."

"And you let her do that?" I knew her hostility was out of grief, so I tried my hardest to not let her get to me.

"God, mother, of course not. It happened so fast, I couldn't stop her."

"I just don't understand it," she was trying her hardest not to break down in front of me, "She has her whole life ahead of her. And to do that just for some poor boy she just met. I don't get it."

"I know, mother," I understood completely but was biting my tongue, "But people are still being let on here. Not all hope needs to be lost yet."

"Yes, well," she sighed, "We'll just have to wait and see."

"That's right."

"Cal is completely broken up about it."

"Is he now?" I rolled my eyes.

"Of course! You should really talk to him, Eleanor, he's heartbroken. May be nice for you both to have someone to talk to about all of this, especially when we get back home."

"Mother, Cal isn't exactly the person who's shoulder I want to cry on," I replied in disgust, "And besides, I am not coming back to Philadelphia."

"What on earth do you mean?"

"I need to live my own life. I'm staying in New York once we get there."

"Eleanor, you sound insane, what will you do?"

"I don't know," I almost laughed, "But what I do know is I am not going home. I can't do this anymore."

"Do what anymore?"

"This!" I motioned between the two of us, "I am so sick of trying to save face, as if we can somehow salvage what father did. I can't do it anymore. I am exhausted. I need to live my life and move past this," I paused, "And if Rose is gone, I have no reason to stay."

"But Eleanor-"

"I'll be in New York," I cut her off, "I'll write to you if that is something you would like. But I'm done with this."

"I can't lose both my daughters," tears started streaming down her face.

"I'll write to you," I stated again, "It's just time to let go."

She just stood there in shock by my decision as I walked away and left her there.

Mother hadn't changed. If she had, she would have never suggested to turn to Cal as a shoulder to cry on. That was the final straw for me. My choice was final.

As I walked away, I saw a disheveled Cal approaching my direction. I knew he was looking for mother.

It was a god damned family reunion.

"Ellie," he looked relieved to see me.

"You have never called me Ellie," I replied directly.

"Have you seen your sister?"

"Of course not," I stated, "And if I did, why would I tell you?"

"Why wouldn't you?"

"Because this is all your fault," I wasn't holding anything back now, "You think if you actually treated her with respect she would have run off to Jack?"

"Ellie, please," he wasn't listening, "I don't know who else to turn to."

"She never loved you, Cal!" I snapped, "You did nothing but belittle her. She made it clear she would rather die than spend her life with you."

"I know you're upset," I could tell he was filling with rage, enough to want to hit me, but he decided to downplay what I was saying instead, "Please, let's just go back to your mother and find her."

"No," I shook my head, "Rose is dead because of you."

"Shut up," he was glaring at me now.

"With all do respect, Cal," I was almost finished, "I thank you for ensuring my father had a proper burial. But please, fuck off. And leave our family alone."

I whipped around, not allowing him the chance to say anything else to my face. Filled with newfound strength, I practically marched to the dining room, darting between dozens of fellow survivors.

There was a steward up front checking everyone in. I approached him immediately.

"Name, miss?" he asked me with a small smile.

"Ellie," I replied, "Ellie Ryan."

And just like that, I had wiped the DeWitt Bukater name away.

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