Autumn
"Min YoonGi, Min YoonGi. This is a special announcement for Min YoonGi."
I looked up from where I was listening to one of SeokJin's cousins describe a recent trip he'd taken to China to watch the lead singer of the wedding band make his 'special announcement.'
"An Earth * Metal * Brew truck has arrived outside and is now ready to serve coffee."
Laughter erupted from the crowd at NamJoon and SeokJin's wedding reception. I'd been loudly complaining since we'd arrived at the venue because I'd expected a coffee icon to have a coffee bar at his reception. It looked like someone had taken my jokes seriously.
I stood up, raising my arms in the air in a dramatic acknowledgement of the laughs and proclaimed, "Finally! This was the worst wedding I've ever been to and now it's the best."
There was more laughter and I excused myself from the cousin so that I could head out to the truck immediately. SeokJin caught up with me as I reached the double doors of the reception hall and we stepped out into the evening sun together.
"You're calling my wedding the worst wedding!" he cried loudly, playfully overreacting like usual.
"I said it's the best now," I reminded him. "Seriously, you knew I was going to be here. This was an unforgivable oversight."
He scoffed. "Coffee isn't usually a big deal at receptions. People want alcohol."
"You're the Coffee Prince. There should be coffee available wherever you go."
"I'm the Prince," he cried, still loud, shining brightly with happiness. "That means my fame and wealth are built on coffee. I'm not the Coffee Fairy."
"You could so easily carry a thermos of coffee with you and be both," I pointed out. We'd arrived at the truck and I was happy to see that it was the same one that usually parked outside of Whizhaven. "Hi guys, can I get a large iced americano?"
"We're already making it, Min PD-nim," JungWon said. "You're having some kind of coffee meltdown?"
"Yeah, it's a damned shame when a man can't go to the Coffee Prince's wedding and get a decent cup of coffee," I complained.
"There's a coffee shop across the street!" SeokJin cried.
"You want me to drink Starbucks at your wedding when Princess Cup paid for all those pink roses and that champagne tower?" I asked, reaching up to finally get my coffee.
"Thanks for the overtime," JungWon said. "My daughter's birthday's coming up."
We moved out of the way as other guests arrived to order coffee and I took my first sip, sighing with satisfaction as I admired the way the setting sun filtered through the trees at the edge of the parking lot. "Fall's my favorite season. I love the color of the leaves and the way it all gets torn apart when the wind blows. Like the earth's actively shutting everything down to prepare for winter."
"I never thought of it that way before," SeokJin said before turning to one of the guests to receive some more congratulations.
My heart was thudding and my skin was tight. I took a few breaths and another sip of coffee to calm myself down. Those few sentences, just talking about fall with SeokJin, who was a friend but a new friend, someone I usually only saw when NamJoon was with us, those few sentences were a big deal.
I usually didn't talk to people about myself. About what I liked or what I thought. My conversations revolved around surface level comments and work. Always work. I didn't even let myself think too much about my inner workings, my likes, dislikes, opinions. Everything was pushed to the side in favor of work. Normally, I'd have spent a split second appreciating those trees and turned away to more serious things. Maybe I would have found some scrap of inspiration for a melody or lyrics and written them down. I would have turned everything into business and denied the personal.
But I didn't do that this time. I let myself really feel the warm beauty of the view. I'd shared my thoughts with SeokJin, though it felt as if I was betraying my very nature. I kept admiring the way the light played through the leaves and the sun colored the sky as SeokJin talked to his friend about his honeymoon plans.
Words and sentences, little moments taken for myself. They felt uncomfortable, wrong, sometimes painful. At my weakest I'd thought about how easy it would be not to change, to just stay the same and keep plodding on, but I couldn't do that. Everything was worth doing in order to reach JiMin. Making changes and working on myself, it was all so much easier than missing him.
I heard his laughter, bright and expressive, fluttering over my skin, and turned to see him walking towards the EMB truck with NamJoon, both of them laughing. He sent me a smile as he ordered a pumpkin spice cappuccino and the world did a slow spin.
It felt so right to see him smiling, at me, happy and laughing. Missing him had gone from a shattering grief to an ever present background ache, a constant quiet longing. And hope was a candle's flame, burning small but steady. I was doing this and I was succeeding and I was never giving up. I would reach him. I would hold him next to me and I would never let go.
"I can't believe you made such a fuss that SeokJin called the EMB truck," he said, laughing, eyes sparkling, relaxed and happy.
"I only said aloud what everyone was thinking. Look at how much happier everyone is now that there's coffee." I waved towards the slow but steady stream of guests that was making its way from the wedding hall to the coffee truck and back. "I basically saved this wedding reception, but I don't need thanks. It's all in a day's work for a best man."
"'Saved this wedding reception,'" NamJoon echoed, coming up next to me and dropping his arm over my shoulder. "Throwing tantrums like a child until you get your coffee. This is a real addiction. We're going to have to do an intervention when we get back from Europe."
"I'll change my number by then," I said with a smile. "Look at you, you're so happy it looks like you're going to float away." I slid my free arm around his waist and made a show of grabbing onto his suit. "Don't worry. I'll hold you down. I read all about this in the best man handbook."
"If UltraPop had a hit album for every time you've said 'coffee' and 'best man' today, we'd be having this reception in my brand new castle," NamJoon laughed.
"Don't worry, I hear they're about to launch eight more EMB trucks. Your lovely groom will be able to build you a castle by the end of next year."
"YoonGi!" TaeHyung hurried over to me, HoSeok trailing behind him with an indulgent smile on his face. TaeHyung had caught the bouquet when SeokJin tossed it and he hadn't let go of it since. "I knew we'd find you out here. Tell me what this truck has that isn't coffee. You know I hate coffee."
"They probably have tea and hot cocoa," I said with a shrug.
"Ooooh, get me a cocoa," he said to HoSeok. "That sounds perfect."
"You've already had three pieces of cake," HoSeok replied. "All of this sugar's going to make you hyper all night."
"I should be hyper! It's a celebration!" TaeHyung declared, raising the bouquet into the air and doing a little dance.
"I guess cocoa is better than more champagne," HoSeok said with a shrug and walked over to place his order.
"Hey, TaeHyung, you figure you and HoSeok will be next?" NamJoon asked, obviously aiming to stir him up.
"Maaaaaybeeeee~~~" TaeHyung sang and kept dancing with the flowers.
"SeokJin was so conservative with the wedding plans," NamJoon said. "It'll be interesting to see what you come up with."
"I should start working on a mood board," TaeHyung answered, but HoSeok came up behind him and gave NamJoon an evil glare.
"Don't encourage him, I've always wanted a traditional Korean wedding. No exotic flowers or crazy patterns and no fluorescent glow light dj."
"Awww. I should have had my own bachelor party," NamJoon said. "I could have had my dj and no one would have had to wear a suit and we could have had sliders and wings instead of cupcakes…"
"I'll throw you a party when we get back from our honeymoon," SeokJin said, removing NamJoon's arm from around my shoulder and putting it over his own. "You can have all the tacky, over the top shit you can imagine. Except eating sushi off a naked person."
"I want to help plan it," TaeHyung said. "It'll be good practice."
Something brushed my hand and I turned to see JiMin standing a little behind me.
"Hey," he said, his expression a heady mixture of shy happiness. "Will you go on a walk with me?"
"Yeah, of course," I answered.
His fingertips were still touching my hand, tiny points of warmth and they slid around, threading his fingers between mine. "Do you mind?"
"No," I said, tightening my fingers around his, even though I shouldn't have. It felt too good to touch him, dangerously tempting.
"Sorry," he said, as we walked through the parking lot towards the sidewalk. "I know this is against the rules, but I don't want to wait until the next time we meet to talk to you."
"We made the rules. I guess we can bend them a little when we need to," I said, carelessly, as if my hand wasn't catching fire.
"I want to tell you that I'm doing better. I'm doing so much better and I'm really proud of myself?" He said the last bit hesitantly, unsure of himself, but quickly continued, speaking in a firmer voice. "I am proud of myself. I've been working hard and I'm more emotionally stable now. Just me. I'm not relying on anyone else to let me know how to feel. I'm not waiting to see how someone else is acting before I decide how I feel or how my day's going. I'm not on hold waiting for someone else to decide. I'm just being me and feeling what I'm feeling."
"That's great to hear. I'm proud of you, too. You look amazing. You look happier and more comfortable with yourself," I said. "It really is nice to see you smiling so much and so freely."
"Some of that might be because I had a glass of champagne," he said with a laugh.
"Maybe, but I've noticed it at work, too. Even the boys are more relaxed because you've got a lighter, more confident attitude. You have a positive influence on the world around you." I decided that we were only going to walk around the block. I was keeping it together and talking casually, but it was hard. I wanted to touch him more, hold him close, kiss him, gush about how much I missed him and needed him back. It would be so much easier and safer to keep the walk short.
"Thanks. I...umm...I also wanted to tell you that I probably won't ever be 100% okay. I mean I w-want to be, but it was so many years and I feel like it had this huge impact on me and I'll never be able to erase everything. As much as I want to, I can't," he said, strong emotions coloring his voice. "I mean, I'm more emotionally stable but I have to work at it. I have to watch myself and catch myself and I know it'll get better but...I'm never going to be perfect."
He stopped, tugging my hand to turn me towards him. "I need to know that you aren't waiting for me to be perfect before we can get back together because I'm never going to reach that point."
"I don't want you to be perfect, JiMin-ah," I said, squeezing his fingers in mine. "I'm not going to be able to promise you perfection either. I just want you to be strong and independent so that you don't need me, you just want me. When you've figured your issues out and I've got a handle on mine. I think I'll know when I'm ready. I know that I'm not ready now. You'll know when you're ready?"
"Yeah," he said, his voice husky, his eyes fixed on mine. The sun, most of it hidden behind the horizon, shone behind him, the light glowing in his hair
It took every bit of strength I had in him to resist kissing him. To turn us around and start walking. "You know, I really love the fall. It's my favorite season…"
The little bell on the coffee shop door rang out and I looked over to see JiMin stepping in the door. Raindrops were sprinkled in his hair, shining like diamonds under the lights and there was a pleased smile on his face.
"This is your favorite weather, right?" he asked as he slid into the seat across from me. "Rain and wind blowing the leaves off the trees?"
"That's right," I said, feeling as if the sight of him had punched the breath from my lungs. "We've got a good view of it through these windows."
"That's so like you," he said, still smiling to take any sting from his words. "Your favorite weather is meant to be enjoyed inside not outside."
"Mmm. It isn't like I hate being outside or I hate the sun. I just love the movement of the wind and you can see it in action so much better when the leaves are falling from the trees," I explained.
"I guess that makes sense." He looked around the tiny shop. "So this is your favorite coffee shop?"
"Yeah. Mountain Master. Do you mind if I order for you?" When he nodded, I called the barista's assistant over and ordered him a miel latte. After the assistant walked away, I said, "You look beautiful."
I watched the color creep up in his cheeks. It grew pinker and stayed longer than I'd expected, JiMin ducked his chin and hid the look in his eyes. Finally, he glanced up and said, "Yeah, I've been dressing more feminine lately. I…"
He hesitated, indecision and uncertainty growing in his gaze and voice. He was wearing a cream colored blouse patterned with scarlet vines, leaves and flowers. I nodded, giving him a little smile, encouraging him quietly to continue.
"WonSeok always bought my clothes and picked them out. It isn't like I didn't like them, but I never even got a chance to figure out what I really want. Just like with decorating my apartment."
He was a little nervous. He was searching for the words to express himself, but his growing strength and confidence were there, too, in the tilt of his head, the set of his shoulders, the movement of his hands as he gestured. Confidence and contentment were subtle, but stronger than I'd ever seen them in him.
"I'm slowly discovering who I am. What I want and what I like and what I need. Sometimes it's too much, all the things that I have to examine and try to figure out what's my opinion on this? But it's so good, too, and I want to dress prettier. I think...I just like being pretty and feeling pretty. I just want to wear women's clothes sometimes. I don't want to be limited. I'm not wearing them to work now but I think someday I will, when I'm feeling more comfortable. And it isn't like I want to be a woman or transition or anything. I just want to wear what I like and what feels good. I hope...I hope that's okay with you."
"Of course it's okay with me. I told you that you look beautiful. I want to support you in everything that you do and if there's something that I can't accept...well, I need to figure it out or you need to move on and find someone who can accept you. I don't ever want to hold you back or stop you from being exactly who you want to be," I said, forcing myself not to reach for his hand. I wanted this to be about him, not about me. "Please, always remember that."
"Okay. I understand. It's just hard when new parts of me pop up and I'm feeling a little shaky about them myself. I don't know if it's fair to expect you to just accept everything." His latte arrived and he took a second to take a sip. "This is really good. I...Sometimes I don't know if I deserve you. You're such an amazing person and I know I'm not supposed to think of myself like this, but sometimes I just feel so broken and it's hard not to feel like I don't deserve you, like you deserve someone so much better than me. You deserve someone really amazing."
"I wish you could see yourself through my eyes," I said. "I've always thought you were amazing. For me, you just shine. Knowing how much you've been struggling with just makes me appreciate you more. I'm working on myself so that I can feel like I can love you as much as you deserve and give you everything you need. Sometimes I worry that when you reach your full potential, you'll decide I'm not good enough for you anymore."
"That won't happen," he said, and it was him reaching across the little table to take my hand. "Never. I will never forget how much you helped me. Even when you made me leave. I understand it now and I'm so grateful. Even when we're apart, I feel like you're with me, supporting me every moment and it gives me so much strength. No one else can ever give me what you have. No one could ever replace you."
Tears were pricking at my eyes. "I needed to hear that more than you know," I said, raising his hand in mine and pressing it to my forehead. "Even more than I knew. I needed to hear that. I'm going to love you forever, JiMin. I promise you that."
There were tears in his eyes and he was pulling his hand back, laughing a little, saying, "Okay. Okay, I love you, too, but…let's talk about something else or I'm not going to be able to hold it together. What...what have you been doing?"
I took a sip of my espresso, taking a moment to shake off the tears and the emotions, reaching for my happiest news. "I got a puppy."
"A puppy?!" he cried in surprise and then smiled apologetically. "Sorry, I just never imagined you'd get a puppy. You hated the neighbor's dog…"
"Yeah, well. That dog barked too much and whenever I saw it, it was obvious that it was thinking about eating my shoes. Min Holly is an angel compared to that dog," I explained.
"Min Holly? Is it a boy or a girl? Do you have any pictures?"
"Of course I have pictures." I grabbed my phone, opened up my gallery and passed it to him. "He's a boy and a toy poodle."
"Ooooooh. He's so cute. I..." He hesitated, licking his lips nervously before continuing. "It kind of makes me sad. I wish I was there to enjoy raising a puppy with you."
I nodded. "Yeah. I got him because the house felt so big and lonely and he's helping me focus on my life more instead of just work. He's a reason to come home, a happy reason, and it's nice to have something to cuddle and take care of. I got him because I was lonely but he does make me miss you more. I wish you were there to share him, too."
"Okay," he said, wiping his hands over his face and laughing. "No more saying sad things. I'm glad you got a puppy and someday he'll be my puppy, too."
He was passing my phone back. I reached for it, nodding in agreement, thinking about how everything reminded me of him, everything brought me back to him. "Why don't we start texting each other. Not a lot, just simple things. I can send you pictures of Holly and you can send me pictures of the changes you've made to your apartment. And it would be nice...maybe to just tell you good morning and good night."
"That sounds good," he said. "I want that."
'One more step forward.' I thought. Just a little at a time. All I had to do was hold on, keep doing my best and we'd find our way back together.