It was spring, the first warm day in quite a while. Peeta had tried his best to try and convince me to join him in the meadow for a picnic and I rejected him again and again, until I finally agreed. "You look nice," said Agnessa when I came downstairs wearing a pale green floral dress. "Is today your picnic with Peeta?" I nodded. "Remember, no boyfriends."
"You know how I feel about him, and you're not my mother," I replied to her in Gàidhlig, a language we spoke amongst ourselves at home.
"I do know how you feel about him," she replied with a knowing smile, and I scoffed.
"You know nothing," I replied as I heard a knock at the door, and I went to answer it. Everyone thought they knew me - the Capitol, Gale, even Agnessa, apparently. Everyone kept telling me to open my heart to Peeta Mellark, but how could I? The very thought of being with him disgusted me considering it was forced on me. He wasn't hideous, but I couldn't picture myself with him. God, he was every bit the opposite of me. Too sensitive, too kind to someone who didn't deserve it, too... oh my God. I opened the door and was met by Peeta's charming smile. Oh my God, indeed. He was so handsome, with his handsome blue eyes and his handsome smile and his handsome blonde hair... What was I thinking?
"Uh... Katniss? Are you gonna let me in or..." he said, drawing my attention back to reality.
"Oh! Um..." I looked back at Agnessa, who was watching me with her arms crossed. "I think we'll just go from here... Bye, Mum, I'll be back later."
"No boyfriends," she said back in Gàidhlig.
"Not my mother!" I replied, also in Gàidhlig, and I pushed Peeta back out and closed the door behind me, then turned and found myself mere inches from his face, and he smiled at me, but I only blushed in response and looked away, then descended the stairs. I heard him chuckle gently as he followed me.
"You look very beautiful today," he said, catching up with me."
"Thanks," I said, trying to suppress a smile. "You don't look so bad yourself."
"I know how to clean up sometimes," Peeta replied, and I couldn't help but laugh. "So what was all that about?" he asked me, and I shrugged.
"Nothing important," I replied as we made our way to the meadow, which wasn't far from Victors' Village at all. When we arrived, we found a comfortable spot and Peeta laid down a blanket, then motioned for me to sit, which I did, and he joined me. He opened the basket that he brought and pulled out a loaf of bread, then began to cut into it.
"So... How's your obstetrician training going?" he asked me, and I smiled.
"Oh, incredible. They're saying I'm well on my way to being the best obstetrician in Panem," I replied sarcastically, and he chuckled. "How's your painting?"
"Oh, the same... When I have a nightmare, I paint it and it helps me to cope with them," he replied.
"That's good... What's your most recent one about?"
"Uh... you don't... want to hear about that..."
"But I do, Peeta," I told him, putting a hand over his. "I'm your friend, of course I want to know." He nodded gently.
"Most of my nightmares are, well... they're about... losing you..." I froze, realising what he was saying, but I couldn't remove my hand from his. "What are yours about?"
"Peeta..." I muttered, and then I looked up at him. "My last one wasn't about the Games... it was perhaps my oldest nightmare... It was of the ship that I came here on, from Hebridia."
"That doesn't sound so scary..."
"It wasn't until the pirates attacked."
"Pirates?" I nodded. "You were attacked?"
"I lost my entire family." He looked confused for a moment. "Peeta, can I trust you with something?"
"Of course, I won't tell a soul." I took his hand in mine and held it, placing my other hand over it and then looking up at him.
"My mother, the one that you know, isn't my mother... and Prim isn't my sister, but she's my cousin, and my mother is actually my stepmother. My real mother died in the attack on our ship, and so did my aunt, who was Prim's mother. The man you knew as my father was actually my uncle, and he and Prim are the only blood family I have left. Before, I had four brothers and a sister, who would have been about Prim's age, had she survived..."
"My God, Katniss... I'm so sorry, that sounds so terrible!"
"The doctors told me I had survivor's guilt... Perhaps I did, and perhaps I still do... I should have died with them, or at the very least, died in the arena." His hand went to my face to cup my cheek.
"What were their names?" he asked me calmly.
"My parents were Dòmhnall and Eilidh... My brothers were Dòmhnall, named after my father - he was actually my twin brother - and then there was Cailean and Calum, who were a year younger than me, also twins. They were identical except for the fact that they were a mirror image of each other, and their eyes were so unique. Cailean's right eye was blue and his left was brown, and he was left-handed, while Calum's right she was brown and his left was blue and he was right-handed... Ashilda, who was four years younger than me, with hair as red as the sunset, like our mother... and then the babies, Alasdair and Anndra, who barely had a chance to live," I replied, and I sniffled slightly and felt Peeta's thumb brush a tear from my face. "Our last name was Fòlais... I kept my first name, but the Capitol made me take my uncle's surname of Everdeen."
"I wish there was something I could do to take the pain away," Peeta whispered to me, and I smiled gently.
"You already have, simply by being trustworthy... No one knows about that but you," I replied, and he smiled.
"Not even Gale?" he asked, and I shook my head.
"We'd best enjoy this picnic, before the bugs do," I reminded him, and he chuckled.
"Oh yeah, the picnic," he said, and he resumed cutting the bread. I had a newfound trust in him, and I admired him for being as wonderful and as trustworthy as he was. I wondered then, if perhaps maybe I could love him... Learn to love him, if not love him right away. I thought about kissing him, but a part of me still felt that I didn't want to love him, since that was what the Capitol wanted. I was going to be forced to love him for the rest of my life, to marry him, start a family with him... watch our children die in the arena. Perhaps we didn't have to have children. I could pretend I was infertile, but then the Capitol would probably have some solution for that, too. Maybe life with Peeta didn't have to be so bad after all, but I swore that as long as the Games existed, I wouldn't be having children.
When we returned after sunset, I kissed his cheek and embraced him. "Thank you," I whispered to him, and I left him standing on my front steps.
I hadn't been feeling all myself since the senate meeting that declared war on the Capitol. I don't know what it was, but I just felt... off... My stomach seemed to turn at the slightest scent and I felt more tired than usual, something Peeta noticed at breakfast on the morning of the attacks on the roads and the Nut. I had my head in my hand and was uninterested in my breakfast, and when Peeta noticed, he gently rubbed my back. "You okay?" he asked me, and I nodded.
"Just a little nauseous. Probably nerves, big day today for the districts," I replied, and he nodded gently.
"You'd tell me if you were feeling unwell, right? You're not going to the Capitol if you're unwell," he told me.
"Peeta, I'm fine. Just worried, that's all... What if we can't destroy the Nut or the Capitol finds out about the plans to destroy the roads?" I asked him.
"They won't. You've got nothing to worry about. Everything will be fine. Donnel's out there executing the destruction of the Nut as we speak," Peeta told me.
"Is he now?" He nodded. "I should be out there."
"No you shouldn't. You should be right here, where you're safe."
"How can I be the face of the rebellion if I'm locked up in an underwater cage?"
"Easy. You'll be there for the Capitol. And don't even think of trying to sneak away. I'll have an eye on you. You're not going without me, and I'm not going, which means you're not." I huffed and shrugged his hand off of me, continuing to stare at my food.
"I'm not hungry. Think I'll go to the lab," I said.
"Excellent idea, I think I'll join you," Peeta replied, standing up when I did.
"Peeta, seriously? Stop worrying about me so much. I'm not going to leave the damn base," I snapped at him.
"You've been lying to me quite a lot lately, so how do I know you're telling me the truth?" I groaned and didn't answer him, stalking off to the lab with Peeta following behind. While Cailean and I worked on our own medicated salve that the Capitol had when I was in the Games, Peeta sat in the corner of the room with his arms crossed against his chest, seemingly sulking.
"What's his problem?" Cailean muttered to me in Gàidhlig.
"He thinks I'm going to run off to be a part of the destruction of the Nut," I replied.
"Don't blame him then," said Cailean, and I glared at him. "Don't give me that look, I know you. You'd run off to be there in a heartbeat. You don't like being caged. You'll get your moment soon." I rolled my eyes and continued working on the skin sample that I had tested the salve on.
"What's the matter?" asked Peeta from the corner. "He won't let you go either?" I ignored him as I continued working, then wrote down my findings.
"This one's a success," I said nonchalantly, and Cailean looked up at me with wide eyes.
"It is?" he asked with an excited smile.
"Yup," I replied. "Has the hospital sent down this week's pregnancy tests yet? Those have to sit for some time, and we've got the senate meeting in a couple of hours."
"Yeah, they're over there. Did you want to do them? I feel weird testing women's pee," said Cailean, and I rolled my eyes and smiled with amusement.
"Men," I replied. "Sure, after I use the lav myself," I replied, getting up and going into the small bathroom in the lab. In the pocket of my lab coat, I had slipped a small sample cup with a lid into my coat pocket. I was a midwife, I knew the early signs of pregnancy, and perhaps mine really were just exhaustion, but it was better to be safe than sorry. I filled my own sample cup and wrote down a fake name on it, slipping it back into my pocket before I went back out into the lab. Peeta and Cailean were chattering about something that I wasn't paying attention to while I went over to the pregnancy tests that the hospital sent down. There were six, plus my own seventh. We had a solution that we dropped into them and it took about half an hour to develop. If it was positive, it would turn purple. If it was negative, nothing would happen.
I managed to forget about the tests, getting caught up in another vaccine, when it was almost time for the senate meeting. I glanced at the time, realising that the attack on the Nut must have started twenty minutes ago or so. I looked back up at the pregnancy tests and saw Cailean marking down the names of all of the positive tests. "Three positives out of seven," he said. "Brandy Tunley, Carmine Hopeful and... Maude... Littany?" My stomach dropped the moment I heard those three names.
Maude Littany was the fake name I created for my own urine sample. I sat at the table with my eyes wide and my face drained of blood, and I turned towards Cailean so Peeta couldn't see my face. "Are... are you... sure?" I asked nervously. That Peeta picked up on, of course. I could see his reflection in a metal container next to me looking up at me curiously.
"Yeah, they're all purple," said Cailean, showing them to me.
"Who are they?" asked Peeta, and I quickly swallowed my shock, some of the blood returning to my face.
"Just... just someone who really, really wanted to have a baby but... but couldn't... Cailean, let me tell Maude Littany. She's been waiting so long for this," I replied. "In fact, I'll bring the records to the hospital myself, I'll be seeing her soon," I said, getting up and taking the records from Cailean.
"I didn't think I saw a Maude Littany in there... but I guess I could be missing it," Cailean replied, and as I turned, I saw Peeta standing by the door, clearly suspicious about something.
"I'm not going to run off. I'm going to the hospital and then straight to the command room. You should get there yourself, tell them I'll be there soon," I told him. He was silent, trying to read my facial expressions as I approached him by the door, but I was unreadable. "I'll be there in ten minutes. If I'm not, you can come and hunt me down." I stood on my toes to kiss his cheek, then took off my lab coat, hung it up and left the lab.
PEETA POV
I didn't like how strange she was acting. She clearly wasn't herself, and she was hiding something. She showed up at the command room when she said she would, and when she arrived, she sat down beside me and kissed my cheek, seemingly over the argument we had this morning. I must have given her an incredulous look because she said to me, "Peeta, relax. Everything is fine."
"You're just being... I don't know, weird," I replied.
"Any weirder than I usually am?" she asked me.
"A lot weirder than you usually are," I told her. She took my arm in her hands and laid her head on my shoulder, then extended her hand to mine and gave it a tight squeeze.
"I told you, I'm just nervous about the attacks today..." she told me. At that moment, Haymitch walked in, and Katniss let go of my arm, but still held onto my hand. Hers was a bit clammy.
"Welcome, everyone," he said as he walked into the room. "Today has been an incredibly successful day. But I won't spoil the fun. District Two? The floor is yours." Magnow and Lenerok both stood with a paper in their hands.
"We are proud to express that the Nut has been taken, and Senator Mellark's idea to cause a landslide was a successful attempt." I really liked that they started referring to each of us as 'Senator'. "Commander Lyme of District Two executed the plan with the help of Soldier Donnel Mellark and the Capitol's Peacekeepers have retreated into the city," said Magnow. He then gestured to District Six. "District Six can fill in what happened next." Ellorah Harpernet and Gladius Firk stood next.
"Yes indeed," said Gladius. "We decided to hold off a little while on the destruction of the roads and railways into the Capitol to inflict maximum damage on the Capitol's Peacekeeper force. We attacked when the first trains and trucks came in. By that point, however, they were onto us, and while we managed to destroy all of the entrances into the Capitol, there were still several divisions made up of hundreds of Peacekeepers each that were able to slip through. We have forces blockading the Capitol, but need reinforcements."
"But not all of the Peacekeepers were able to slip past us. Many of them were blown up along with the roads and tracks," said Ellorah Harpernet.
"Then our next step is to attack the dam," said Clarabella Dustin. "Once again, I hope that we are all aware of the fact that if we cut the power to the Capitol using the dam, then we cut the power to the rest of the districts, too."
"But there's a way that we can restore it," said Dravius Pillock of Three. "Districts Five and Three have been working closely together to establish a plan to restore power to the districts only, but we cannot provide power to the closest parts of each district that borders the Capitol without restoring power to the Capitol."
"That's better than nothing," said Carolina. "We cut the power, then restore it to the districts and keep the Capitol in the dark. Do we attack the Capitol at night or do we wait until daylight?"
"Unfortunately, the Capitol is well aware that the rebel forces are going to attack," said Beetee. "They've set up traps all around the Capitol called Pods, which are set to go off and destroy whoever activates them. They are random, and invisible, but using a device that Senator Mellark - Katniss, I mean - rescued from District Eight, we were able to map out the locations of each Pod that we detected in a reconnaissance mission over the Capitol." He pulled out a small device and set it on the table. "This here is called a Holo, and it only knows the locations of the Pods that we've already detected. It is likely that new Pods have been laid, but the Holo may still be able to detect them when doing a scan."
"So we can attack at any time, pretty much, and we'll get the same results, but the sooner we attack, the less likely it is that there will be new Pods," Katniss said.
"That is correct, Senator Mellark," said Beetee.
"So what are we waiting for?" asked Johanna irritably. "If it doesn't matter when, then what are we waiting for? Let's bring down the damn Capitol!"
"Senator Mason, we have to take out the dam first. If we cut their power, we weaken them and increase our chances of taking them out faster," said Clarabella, and Johanna huffed.
"The war's been going on for too damn long. Let's put this shit to bed, for fuck's sake," she said bitterly.
"Then take out the dam sooner," I chimed in. "Why wait? Take it out sooner rather than later. The sooner the dam is out, the sooner we can get into the Capitol."
"The dam is very well protected by Peacekeepers," said Clarabella.
"Who just lost their home base," Katniss replied. No matter how much she frustrated me sometimes, I admired her initiative. Katniss was a very ambitious, goal-oriented woman who stopped at nothing when going for what she was aiming for. She shot straight, both with a bow and arrow and with her initiative. I smiled as she responded back to the senate and gave her hand a squeeze of confidence.
"Fair enough, but that doesn't change the fact that there's still hundreds of Peacekeepers protecting the dam," said Clarabella.
"We'll send in some rebel forces from Nine," said Tremor Ureon.
"They'll have a limited supply of Peacekeepers, now that a lot of the roads, tracks and their base are destroyed," Katniss said. "If Nine and Seven each send in forces, the Peacekeepers will be outnumbered. We can really secure the victory by sending in forces from Ten and Eight as well."
"District Eight will be glad to send in forces to aid in the destruction of the dam," said Paylor.
"Thank you, Senator Paylor," Katniss said to her. "Seven and Ten?"
"You speak like a commander," said Rufus Ripley of Ten.
"She'll be commanding the Siege of the Capitol," said Gale, seemingly with pride. Jealousy flashed in my eyes as I looked at him, and I caught Katniss's attention out of her side vision. She looked at me out of her side of her eye and gave my hand a squeeze.
"What an honour, Senator Mellark," said Rufus. "If Senator Eshwater is in agreement, I do believe that District Ten would be happy to send in rebel forces to assist in bringing down the dam. But we'll also have forces prepared to converge on the Capitol."
"I am in agreement, Senator Ripley," said Lystra Eshwater.
"District Seven should send in forces, too," said Jonny Woodstock. "Don't you think, Johanna?"
"If it'll end the war sooner, and decapitate Snow faster," Johanna replied.
"Spoken like a Victor," said Lystra Eshwater with her eyebrows raised, and Johanna glared at her.
"So then it's decided. Senators Dustin and Avisdee will initiate the attack on the dam in District Five, cutting power to the Capitol, and we will advance the attack on the Capitol," said Magnow, and the room gave a hum of agreement.
"The sooner, the better," said Katniss.
"Then the decision is made," said Haymitch, who became less and less involved the more coherent the senate became. "Meeting adjourned." As the senators got up from their seats and dispersed, a few of us hung around the table for a moment, myself and Katniss included.
"You heading back to the lab?" I asked her, and she shook her head. "Where are you off to?"
"Bed, probably. I don't feel so well," she replied. I held a hand to her forehead, not noting a fever.
"Katniss," I said to her. "Be honest with me. Are you all right?"
"I don't know," she said, looking down at our hands on the table. "I'm still not sure what my reaction is..."
"Your reaction to what?" I asked her, brushing a chocolate brown curl from her face. She glanced over my shoulder, then met my eyes.
"I'll tell you later, I promise. Calum's waiting for you," she replied, and I turned to see him waiting by the door, nodded to him, and looked back at Katniss.
"Okay," I said, and I kissed her forehead and stood.
"I love you, Peeta," she told me as I stood, and I looked down at her.
"I love you, too," I told her, bending down to kiss her lips, and then I left her to join Calum, exchanging one final glance with her before we left.
KATNISS POV
"Are you all right?" Carolina whispered to me after Peeta left, and I let out a sigh. All that remained in the command room was myself, Carolina and Johanna, who climbed up on the table to sit instead of in her chair. I glanced at both of them briefly.
"Can the two of you keep a secret?" I asked them.
"You know I can," Carolina replied, and I turned to look at Johanna.
"Who am I gonna tell?" she asked with attitude, and I shook my head with amusement.
"I've had a bit of a wrench thrown into my plans," I said to the two women in the room. "I've just promised Peeta that I would tell him, but to be honest, I don't know if I should... If he finds out, he might raise a big stink about me going to the Capitol, and I have to be there."
"What, are you knocked up for real this time?" asked Johanna.
"Actually... yes," I said, and Carolina gasped, while Johanna straightened up and stared at me with wide eyes.
"Katniss!" Carolina exclaimed. "I thought you two were using protection! Calum and I are! You can't just not use protection!"
"Excuse me?" I said with wide eyes, trying to decide if I heard her correctly or not.
"This isn't about me!" Carolina exclaimed. "Katniss, you have to tell Peeta. You can't keep this from him."
"Does your father know you're shagging my brother?" I asked her.
" Katniss ," Carolina said to me, and she sighed. "Fine, yes, I'm fucking your brother and you kNow what? It's incredible. He's incredible. And no, my father doesn't know and I'd like it to stay that way. He thinks we're friends. Now that that's in the air, let's get back to you. You have to tell Peeta. This is not something you should keep from him."
"You should know better than anyone that women's bodies are very resilient. You can tell him that, too," Johanna chimed in, and I glanced at her. "What? My mother was an obstetrician, too."
"And what if he uses this information to get me taken off of command? Then he'll be left in command and he won't let me do anything," I said to the two women.
"Do you really think he'd do that?" Johanna asked me.
"He's been very firm about refusing to allow me to go on any missions without him," I replied.
"And from what I've heard from Dad, you've been very firm on him not going on any missions," Carolina told me, and I sighed. Of course Peeta was going to Haymitch for advice.
"For a couple of people who claim to love each other so much, you have a lot of disagreements," Johanna said.
"And what about all of your squabbles with Gale?" Carolina asked her.
" What? " I asked, shocked at what I had just heard. Did I hear that correctly? Did I hear that Johanna and Gale are in a relationship?
"Oh, don't act so surprised that your ex-boyfriend moved on. You got married," Johanna spat at me.
"He was never my boyfriend," I spat back. "I never loved him that way, ever. If he ever told you that I have, he's lying. But you and Gale? What's that about?"
"None of your business. None of any of your business. How'd you even know, Abernathy?" Johanna asked the other girl.
"The walls have ears, and they echo," Carolina replied, and Johanna just rolled her eyes. Calum and Carolina, Gale and Johanna, I was pregnant with Peeta's child and about to invade the Capitol... All this was too much. I stood and stepped away from the pair of them for a moment, taking a deep breath before turning back to face them.
"I'll tell him tonight, then... but I need you both to help me out. Don't let him get me taken off of command and don't let him forbid me from going because I'm going to the Capitol no matter what," I told the two girls, and they both nodded with agreement. "Thanks... No one outside of this room knows anything. The only ones who will know about this are me, you two and Peeta. No one else."
"You got it, Mellarky," said Johanna.
"Good luck," said Carolina, and I took my leave, retiring to the bedroom early so that I had time to think of how I would tell Peeta. How does one even announce that? 'Hey, Peeta, I know we're about to invade the Capitol that has lots of explosive, destructive shit, but guess what? I'm pregnant!' God, I had a lot of thinking to do. I lay on the bed lost in thought, coming up with ideas and scrapping them moments later. Before I knew it, hours had passed, and I heard the door open and with the sound, my stomach dropped. Peeta walked in with two trays of food, one for each of us, and he stood watching me on the bed.
"You weren't at dinner," he said calmly.
"Not really hungry," I replied.
"Katniss, you've gotta eat something."
"Don't think I could stomach it, to be honest." I was staring at the ceiling, not daring to bring my eyes to him. I heard him set down both trays on the dresser and I heard him let out a sigh. I could see him out of the corner of my eye.
"There is no Maude Littany." This was it. This was the moment that I had been dreading all day. "Katniss, is there something you want to tell me?" I still hadn't thought of the best way to tell him. Do I dance around it? Make him guess? Or do I just tell him? It was a tense moment, with both of us stressed with one another. He was upset with me for keeping secrets, and I was upset with him for the potentiality of him taking the Siege away from me. But that was it. The potentiality. What if he didn't? "Katniss."
"I'm pregnant," I decided to say, and I could hear him take a quiet gasp. I still didn't look at him, and his silence felt like an eternity. Oh, God damn it, Peeta, just say something!
"You're... really?" he said finally. Seriously? All this panicking for that?
"Yup."
"How long have you known?"
"Since Maude Littany's pregnancy test came back positive."
"Were you going to tell me before we went to the Capitol or after?"
"I've spent the better part of the last three hours trying to decide the best way to tell you tonight."
"And did you come up with a better way than how you just said it?"
"Nope." Another moment of silence passed between us, and then I felt his weight on the bed as he sat on the edge.
"Katniss... You know what this means, don't you?"
"You're not taking away my command, nor are you stopping me from going to the Capitol."
"I never said I was going to..."
"So what does it mean, then?" I said with irritability, finally looking at him. He appeared sad, almost, but he wasn't hard towards me.
"Katniss, I don't want you going to the Capitol."
"But you won't stop me."
"I know. But I want you to think about it. You've got another life to worry about other than your own."
"I've always had another life to worry about, Peeta," I said, sitting up. "I never wanted you to go to the Capitol. I never wanted you to leave the base."
"That's not happening, either."
"I'm aware that it's not." Peeta was silent again, first glancing down at the floor, and then towards my stomach.
"How far along do you think you are?"
"A month, maybe... Five weeks, even? The condom must have broke..."
"Five weeks ago was our first time, wasn't it?" I nodded. He didn't say anything. Instead, he stood and pulled me into his arms, picking me up and then sitting back down onto the bed with me on his lap and in his arms. He pressed his forehead against mine. "We'll get through this... We've been through worse."
"You're not going to stop me?"
"No. I want to, but I won't. I know you'd hate me forever if I stopped you. You've always loved being where the action is. Fighting for what you believe is right, risking your life for the things you love most..."
"Gale says I'm reckless and stupid," I said.
"You'll be more careful. I know you will," he replied. He pressed his lips to my forehead. "Just think... After all this, we'll go home, start our little family... You, me, and our beautiful little baby." He smiled at me. "It'll be a whole different world before we know it."
"I'm sorry for not telling you sooner... I was still in shock myself, I didn't know what to think or if it was a false positive or what..."
"It's okay. I'd be pretty scared, too." I looked up into his eyes, which were filled with love, tenderness and sorrow all mixed into one. I brought my hand up to his face and brought my lips to his to kiss him.
"There was another song I heard, in the archives that day I was researching for the senate. I probably could have shared this one, too, but I could tell District Two was getting sick of me."
"Can you sing it to me?"
"I don't remember most of it now..."
"Sing what you can remember. I love when you sing to me." I smiled at him, still holding his face in my hand as I looked into his beautiful blue eyes.
I dreamed I saw the bombers
Riding shotgun in the sky
And they were turning into butterflies
Above our nation...
We are stardust,
We are golden,
We have got to get ourselves
Back to the garden...