18.

It doesn't hit me until I'm standing outside of the door.

I think about just walking away and telling him that something came up.

In my heart, I know that I shouldn't; so, I don't.

Instead of turning around, I take a deep breath and hold my hand up to knock, but the door opens. I pull my hand away fast and hope I don't look suspicious.

"See you later, honey. I love you."

The small woman with caramel hair, who shares her son's green eyes and beauty, looks back at me.

"Bella." She's curt, but motions for me to come in.

"Hi, Esme," I say, eyes landing on her son next to her.

"I'm just leaving. Sorry I can't stay to catch up. Not that you'd want to since It's none of my business."

"Mom."

She shrugs. "Okay. Well, bye."

The door closes with a soft click as she exits. I look around at the place that we once called home.

"I didn't know you kept this place," I say, breaking the silence. It's decorated minimally, no sign of the life we once shared.

He runs a hand through his hair. "It held special memories. I always meant for us to come back to it."

His eyes search mine and I nod.

"Esme is still my number one fan, I see." It wasn't always like this between us. She was always nice, warm, and welcoming. After I stayed, she tried to talk to me. I shut her out like the rest of Edward's family.

"Yeah, well… you did insult her." He turns around and walks to the sofa. He sits down, but I lean against the wall. It's close enough to the door that I can bolt if I need to.

"There are a lot of things I'm sorry about, Edward." I realize in that second, I'm not angry anymore. I'm just… sorry.

He watches me for a second, and then, "Yeah, me too."

The silence is heavy, so many words that need to be said. I don't know where to start, but I try.

"It used to be so easy to talk to you, to tell you what I was thinking." I watch him, taking a deep breath. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do here." I take out the papers. "I know I've been shitty, indecisive. It's my fault we're here."

He shakes his head. "Bella."

"Can I just ask what brought these on? Is there someone else?" I ask in a rush. I might as well get that out of the way.

He stands up slowly and makes his way to me. He stops a few feet away, but he's closer than he's been in years.

"Even when I wanted there to be, when I needed any distraction to keep me from completely losing it without you… there was only you. So, no." He gets impossibly closer. "There is no one else. You're all I've ever wanted, Bella."

There's a small part of me that wants to ask him why. What's so special about me?

Before I can, his hand brushes a strand of hair behind my ear and he watches me. My breath catches as he asks, "Are you going to sign them?"

"What if I didn't? What would happen? I know that we can't go back to what we were." I look into his eyes, and it occurs to me if I want to fix this, I need to be honest with him and myself.

"We could have something better… actually work for it. I know what I'm missing here."

His eyes burn into mine, and his words set me on fire. It would be so easy to kiss him, but he steps back and clears his throat.

"Should I sign them?" It's low, and I wait for him to answer me.

"I would do anything to go back to the day Charlie told me he was sick, and to tell you the truth. I just didn't want to lose you." He leans against the wall next to me, closing his eyes. "I ended up losing you, anyway. I want you to do what you feel is right. I can't tell you what to do."

I nod, feeling his eyes on me again, observing me. "You know, you were right. We are different people. You… you're different." He gives me a look. "Less angry."

I turn towards him, looking him over. I can't believe he's right in front of me. I give him a tiny smile.

"I spent the better part of my time away from you trying to pretend you didn't exist. There were tiny moments where I'd wish you were there with me traveling, but I tried so hard to stay angry. It was all for nothing, because the moment that I saw you at Angela and Ben's wedding, I was able to admit to myself that I made a mistake by pushing you away."

"I made mistakes too, you know." His voice is soft. "I let my guilt get the best of me." The look he gives me brings me back to our wedding day.

The soft glow of the sun hitting the stained glass, lighting everything in color.

Edward's eyes were so bright and green.

His hands in mine, smile so wide and mine matched.

His words, always and forever.

"I should have fought for you, did whatever it took. If I stayed..."

"A small part of me wanted you to, but it would have made it worse, I think."

I try not to jump when I feel his hand brush mine to grab the papers he'd given me. I look down, and back at him.

"Signing these… it kind of felt like giving up," he admits, grabbing my hand. He waits for me to pull away, but I don't.

He guides me to the sofa where I sit next to him. I don't let go of his hand. Somewhere inside, he's still the boy who made me fall head over heels in love with him.

"Why did you?" I ask.

"Rose made me think I should," he says. "The night of Ben and Angie's wedding."

"Rose," I repeat, shaking my head.

"I thought about it, just sending you the papers and letting you think I was done. Rose told me how you were really doing. She said you were happy, and busy with work. I figured it meant you were okay without me."

"You were never the problem. It was misplaced anger and blame."

"So, what—" I stop when he yawns. "When do you go home?"

He looks at me and squeezes my hand. "I go back to Spain in… four hours."

"Oh."

"But now, in this moment with you… I'm home, Bella."

.*.

The sirens and blue lights take over the early morning sky, I hear my name, and Em's face is the first thing I see.

It only takes a second to remember where I am.

What I did.

I jump to my feet. "Oh, god."

"Bella."

I turn to see Em and James, a cop on the force watching me.

"Some kids found you this morning," he says, watching me. "James found your truck."

I look away and sink down to the ground.

Em and James mumble, then I hear the sound of footsteps and know James is leaving.

Emmett sinks next to me on the ground.

He's silent for a few minutes. We look out at the ocean; the waves crash to shore. The sun is just rising, casting an orange glow on everything.

"What happened, Bella?" His voice is soft, worried.

"I…" I shake my head, letting out a sob.

I don't tell him anything. I don't speak as he wraps and a blanket around me or as he puts me in his Jeep. He takes me to Rose's apartment.

I hear him and Rose talking off and on.

I hear him slam doors and walk past the room and stop. He never comes in, until he finally does.

"Do I need to call someone? Will you talk to anyone?"

I look up and squint my eyes when he turns on the light.

"I just miss him," I say. It's the only thing that can come out.

"You could have gone back with him, Bella."

"No, not Edward. The two of us… we're..."

A mess.

A lie.

Over.

"Charlie. I miss dad, Em."

I hear him sigh. "Bella, you're not the only one who has lost him."

"Don't you get it?" I ask standing up and walking to him, frustrated, "Everyone else knew what was happening. Everyone kept vital information from me because they thought they were doing the right thing."

"Bella."

I point a finger at his chest. "Including you."

"No one thought this would happen," he says gruffly, but his next words break my heart.

"He was supposed to be okay."

I look at him, my brother, and my best friend. I see how tired he is. He looks defeated.

"Em."

"I know you're hurt and confused, that's okay. What isn't okay is you acting like you're the only one hurting. It's okay for you to hurt, to get through it. But Bella… you have to get through it." He places a flyer on the bed. "I saw this, and it made me think of you. It seems like it could be good." He shrugs, as I pick up the flyer he set down. It's for a photography workshop.

"Thanks, Em," I say as he nods and walks off.

I meet Garrett the next morning with an old camera in hand and ready to get through it.

Edward is in the back of my mind, but it isn't until we're walking on a sidewalk and I literally walk into Esme that it all comes back.

"Bella, isn't my son in Spain?" she says, glancing at Garrett and eyes dancing between the two of us.

I shrug. "Last I heard, but I'm always the last to know anything."

"He didn't mean any—"

I cut her off. "It doesn't matter what he meant. Stay out of my business, Esme."

She calls after me as I walk away. Garrett takes me to a cafe where we meet up with Kate.

A month later, after many nights working with Garrett and a new camera in hand, Kate beside me, we fly to Portugal, and I ignore the tug in my heart and the ache of loss.

I'm so sorry this took so long. Real life got in the way, I had major writer's block, and became so uninspired (by reviews even when I know I shouldn't).

Thank you for reading if you're still here.

xo