Hey everyone, I'm back and this time with a Jazanne (Jason and Suzanne) fic.
This was requested by sweetsimplegirl and I apologise for taking so long to write it. This was probably one of the most difficult but interesting pieces to write because I've never written a story with a character suffering from DID before. I loved the challenge though, and it was something new so I definitely learnt a lot. Sorry if the ending isn't much but I didn't want to dwell much on anything shown in the series. Thank you for your request and I hope you like it.
Also, I'm starting the my next semester of college tomorrow (in a few hours now) so updates might be less frequent. I am still writing all the requests you send in though so don't stop. I promise you I read and will write every one of them. Thank you so much for being patient and following me this far.
I hope you guys enjoy this and don't forget to send in your prompts.
Jason's POV
Beep. Beep. Beep.
The annoying sound rouses me from my dreamless sleep and as the events of the past few days seep into my mind, I wish I was back in that dark empty void. Being there shields me from reality. The painful reality.
It's like gravity. It pulls me down and will never let me go. I'm trapped. Even if I try to jump, escape, I'm always pulled back down to earth. It's suffocating and even with the supply of pure oxygen, I feel breathless.
I don't want it to be real. I don't want this to be my new reality because it can't be. It shouldn't be. I shouldn't be in this hospital. Neither should dad. Mom should still be with us. And my baby sister, my tiny unnamed baby sister, shouldn't be born yet. Nothing is as it should be.
Tears fill my eyes as I think of the past few days, the first few days of this new reality.
That first day, I woke up much like I did today, except dad was by my side. His face was ashen. He was shaking, quivering in place. His eyes were rimmed with red and he was absolutely distraught. Never in my life had I seen him cry and it shook me to the core.
What he said next however, shattered my world.
At that moment, all I felt was numbness. This overwhelming feeling of nothingness. It was as if nothing was real, nothing existed. I was just a being, floating in an endless void, and there was no escape. It was however, peaceful.
Sadly, this beautiful illusion came to an end all too soon as I was brought back down to earth when the drugs wore off and I was acutely aware of everything.
I screamed. Shouted. Yelled. Told myself and everyone around me that it was all a joke. An extremely cruel and sick joke because it can't be true. She was just playing a prank on me, to get her revenge for me being an insolent teenage boy, to teach me a lesson.
"Lesson learned!" I shouted. "I got the message and I'm sorry. You can come out now."
I waited and waited. I waited for her to peep her head through the door and tell me off before saying that she loves me and make me promise to be a better person. I waited for her to come to me, hug me and tell me that everything will be ok.
But she never came. She never showed. And that's where the real anger started.
I pleaded with everyone. I prayed to God like never before. I urged dad to get the nurses and doctors to work harder, to save mom's life. All he did in reply was yell back. "She's gone Jason! She's gone!"
I asked, begged, to be with her again; for her to return to me and that's all he says. And I can't believe it. I refuse to believe it because it's unfair. I only had 16 years with her, an unbelievably short 16 years. It's not enough. She's my mom. I need my mom.
I cried until I could cry no more. My tears ran out and all I could do was dry heave. I clutched my pillow, threw it at everything, screamed into it, tried to bury my head into it, pretend it was mom and that she was here, comforting me after a nightmare.
It didn't work and all I saw was red. It's dad's fault. He wasn't watching the road. He didn't realise the car had veered off the road and started barrelling into the divider. He didn't stop the car from tumbling and crashing. It's his fault.
Wait.
No.
It's my fault. I made him turn around. I yelled, complained, groaned about having to spend quality time with my family when I could be hanging out with my friends instead.
Dad had turned to yell at me, saying that I should be thankful we are able to spend this time together and that I would appreciate these moments when I'm older because then I'd truly know how precious they are.
It was those few seconds that caused everything. All I felt was pain. Splinters of glass pierced through my skin and the last thing I heard was my mom's shrill screams before everything went black.
"It's all my fault. All my fault." I had muttered repeatedly. "It's my fault-"
"Shut up!" A voice, bold and strong, cut through my thoughts. I looked around the room, trying to find it, find him, whoever the voice belongs to.
"Just shut up. It's not your fault." He called out to me again and I realise it's a boy around my age in the bed beside mine. A glance at him told me he was everything I wanted to be.
Headstrong, brave. His injuries didn't make him look weak and fragile. If anything, they made him look braver. He wore them like battle scars, wounds won in a harsh war. I wanted to be like him. I wanted to be him.
"Who are you?" I asked but he didn't answer.
"It's not your fault. It's your sister's." He simply says. "The doctors could only save either one of them and they chose her. She caused her death. Not you, not your father."
Anger flooded through my veins. Part of me didn't want to believe it but it must be true. Why else would mom not be here?! How dare she- No! She doesn't even deserve to be called "she" for all that it's done. How dare it kill her?! The woman who gave her life. How dare it kill his mother?
"It's ok, Jason." He called out to me once again, making me turn towards him. I wanted to ask him how everything's ok, but a single glance at him told me to keep my mouth shut. "We'll get our revenge on the little demon."
I only nodded in reply and we began plotting how to put the demon itself to sleep.
The next day, I asked dad for permission to see my "sister" and a nurse took me to the NICU. There, the nurse helped placed it into my arms. And as the nurse walked away, I prepared to put my plan into action.
I carried the tiny body in one hand and hovered the other over its neck. Then, I turned back, making sure the nurse was gone. To my surprise however, even he had left and I was on my own to carry out the plan.
I didn't care though. My hand inched towards the tiny neck. All it needed was some pressure to block the airways and I would have rid us of the devil incarnate.
My thumb and finger were long enough to wring around its neck and just as I was about to apply pressure, it's eyes opened.
And I was met by the all too familiar blues. They bore into my soul and I felt at peace. It was like I was looking at a tiny version of mom.
I couldn't do it.
I held her close to my chest, pressed her tiny body against mine, and it gave me a sense of calmness I've never felt before. There was this weight in my arms that brought me comfort, and told me that no matter what happens, everything would be ok.
Then and there, I knew she was my little sister. Mine to guide, protect and nurture. I would never let any harm come to her, I couldn't. She's already so small and frail, more fragile than anything I've ever seen before and I'd be damned if I ever let anything happen to her.
I held onto her until the nurse returned and told me she had to return to the incubator. After that, she pushed me back to my room. There, I was met with him once again.
He yelled at me, cursed me for being so weak and unable to kill a defenceless murderer. He reiterated how killing her would've avenged mom's death.
I ignored him.
He didn't like that. So he punched me. He beat me till I was black and blue but no one could see it, no one could see the scars or the marks. Because just like everything to do with him, they were invisible.
I just endured it though. If I had to be beaten up just to keep my baby sister safe, I would. She's the most precious being in my life now and I have to protect her, even if it is from someone like him.
Days passed and while some days are better, others like today are worse. Thankfully, today, he hasn't appeared yet. I know he will but he hasn't.
He probably hasn't appeared yet since he goes into hiding whenever someone enters. He hates people in general, especially doctors, eventhough he's in a hospital. When I asked him why I've never seen any doctors tending to him, he just said that they treat him at night while he's asleep because he refuses to cooperate with them. I guess that makes sense-
"Hey Jason." My thoughts are cut off by the person sitting beside my bed, holding my free hand firmly, bringing me back down to earth.
"Suzanne." I breathe and pull off the mask. I don't really need it but dad was paranoid, especially after my "freak out" when they told me mom died. I'm ok now though. I'm perfectly fine.
"Hey. It's been so long." I tell her as I move to sit up in the bed. It's easier said than done. My limbs feel like jelly and I barely have the strength to push myself up.
But at last, I'm sitting upright, because as always, she picks me up when I'm down. She's always been the stronger one of the two of us, and for that, I'm eternally thankful. "Thank you."
She just smiles that beautiful smile of hers. "So, when are you getting out of this joint?"
A week later...
I take a deep breath as I enter the Greenhouse. Everything looks just the same, exactly as I remember it, but why does it feel so different? Why does everything feel so wrong? It feels like something, someone, is missing.
As soon as the thought comes to mind, I push it aside. He wouldn't like it. And I'm right because not a minute later, he appears.
"Bad Jason, bad. You're supposed to be strong. You're not a baby anymore. Grow up."
I can only hold back my tears as I nod. He's right. I can't be weak. I can't show people that I'm weak because I'm not weak.
I let my feet lead me towards the door and as I walk, my fingers trace the familiar patterns; the flowery ones' mom designed. Then, as I edge towards the ones with markings and dents on them, memories flood through my head and I can't take it anymore.
Even he can't hold me back.
And I run.
I run faster than I ever have in my entire life. I can't even see where I'm going, I just run. I run until I find myself out of breath and all but collapse onto the bench.
There, he catches up with me. There, he berates me for being a weak child, a foolish one, not even strong enough to go to a room without having a complete breakdown.
And he's right. I'm weak, pathetic. I'm a loser. I don't know why I'm still alive, why I'm still here. I should've died instead of mom. She didn't deserve to die, I did.
"Shut up." His voice penetrates through my thoughts and I turn towards him. "Just shut up." He shakes his head. "I can't stand listening to this whining anymore."
"I'm... I'm sorry." I wipe the tears from my eyes and just as I do, I feel a punch to my gut.
"What did I tell you? Don't apologise. Strong people don't apologise." I can't do anything but nod at his words. Anything more would cause hurt, unfathomable pain, and I don't want to be hurt.
"You have to be a man, be strong and bold. Not a weak, pathetic loser. Understand?"
I want to talk back, fight him, but I can't. He's too strong. He'd knock me out in a second. And I can't outsmart him, he's smarter than everyone. So again, I just nod.
"Answer me you fool!" He doesn't like my silence and I'm sent tumbling off the bench. Before I can say anything in reply however, I hear her voice.
"Jason!" It's panicked, too loud, but gentle. She's always been gentle, and with her, I feel safe. Like he can't get to me when I'm with her. "Jason, are you ok?"
By now, she's by my side, pulling me back up onto the bench. And seeing my silence, she just sits beside me and the two of us look out into the horizon.
"You can tell me anything you know? I'm here for you." She says softly and I lean into her. She's warm, inviting, brave, strong, beautiful. Basically, she's perfect. And that's what draws me to her.
"Just stay with me." I whisper. And stay, she does.
A few days later...
I sit alone in the library, unable to stand the looks of those around me. Everyone's been treating me like a kicked puppy, even the Eagles are being nice to me, and I just want everything to go back to the way they were.
I want my mom.
It's a sudden thought, wishful thinking, but that short little sentence alone causes his return.
"Stop being such a cry-baby." He slaps my cheek. "You're supposed to be a man." He continues to slap me back and forth until I feel a gentle hand on my back and he disappears.
"Jason." She softly calls out but my eyes are trained on the book. I can't look at her. I know the minute I do, tears will start streaming down my face and he won't like that, he'll get fiercer.
"Jason, look at me." I'm not strong, and so I do. "I'm talking to you not as your captain, but as your friend." She sits across from me and holds my hands in hers, delicately but firmly.
"Whatever you're going through, right now, you can tell me. You know you can tell me anything. You can trust me. And even if you don't want to say anything, it's ok. Just know that I'll always be here for you, and I'll never let you down."
"How do I know that?!" I don't mean to be rude but I can't help it. "How will I know you won't leave me just like my mom did?!" Tears stream down my face and she wipes them away. Her warm hands are comforting and I can't help but lean into her touch.
"I know what you're going through, Jason. Believe me, I do." She sighs and takes a deep breath before turning towards me with pain-filled eyes. It's like she suddenly grew wiser, more mature, in just a few seconds.
"I lost most of my family in a fire. My mom, my dad, my grandad. It was so late at night and I was just about to go to sleep when I heard an explosion. I didn't know what to do so I just ran out of the house. Minutes later, the entire building just came crashing down." She's shaking, and I desperately want to pull her across the table, into my arms.
"I was the only one who made it out alive. I don't even know if my parents were aware that the house was on fire when they died. All that was left of them were charred remains. They were totally unrecognisable and I wasn't even allowed to see them."
Her breaths are now short and laboured. The pain in her voice so evident it hurts. "I never got to say goodbye or tell them 'I love you' for the last time."
"I'm sorry." It's now my turn to comfort her. I softly rub the back of her hands, hoping the motion would soothe her.
"It's fine. It was 4 years ago and it doesn't really hurt that much anymore." She shrugs and I know that's a lie. You can never really forget the pain of losing someone. I've tried for at least two weeks now and the slightest thought of my mom just about forces me to the ground.
"Wait!" I suddenly realise something. "You were in the McGill estate fire. I'm so sorry, I didn't know."
"It's ok. I try not to tell anyone. I'm sure you know about all the pitying glances people give you. And it just makes me sick." I smile at that. Of course out of all the students in the Greenhouse, she understands me and can read me like an open book.
"Hey, do you want to know how I got into the Greenhouse?" The sudden teasing tone of her voice piques my curiosity and I nod, allowing her to begin her story.
"After I lost my family, I was sent to live with my distant aunt who was determined to make every minute of my life a living hell." She starts to explain.
"It was absolute torture. But one day, it was by chance that I found out about the Greenhouse. And once I knew more about it, I begged her night and day to send me here. I had enough money left from my parents to pay for my tuition fees and by the time I graduated, I would be legal and out of her hair. Eventually, she agreed and so here I am."
"Wow." I can't find the words to say because as usual, she leaves me speechless. "So, what's the point in telling me all this?"
She just smiles. "The point is that things will get better. Even though you never truly forget, time heals all wounds and everything happens for a reason. Like if my family hadn't died, I would've never come here, been a raven, or met you."
Her words strike through my heart and I don't think, just act. I walk to her and pull her into my arms, the two of us finding comfort and love we long for in one another.
"The other point is," She whispers in my ear. "I know what you're going through. I understand. And like I said before, you can tell me anything. You're safe with me."
And just like that, my defences crumble. Despite his warnings of not telling anyone, I tell her everything. Surprisingly, she doesn't run away, just sits there, holding my hand and lets me pour my heart out.
She doesn't judge, and actually manages to coax him out, telling him it's ok to appear when she's there. Eventually, he's comfortable around her and for once, I feel safer, more at home, than I've ever been.
Two years later...
"I can't believe we're graduating." I softly whisper into her ear as I hold her hand in mine while we listen to one of the teachers drone on. It's graduation day and they just had to choose one of the most boring teachers in the entire history of the Greenhouse to give the speech.
"Me neither." She whispers back. "It seems like only yesterday when we had that first opening challenge. What a mess that was."
"Tell me about it." I smile and so does she. Our conversation doesn't last much longer than that because soon, it's her turn to deliver the student speech.
"Fellow Ravens and Eagles, I'm going to keep this short because we all know that listening to another speech is the last thing you want to be doing right now, especially after the beautiful one Ma'am Dane just gave." As usual, her words bring smiles to everyone's faces, including mine.
"I don't really know what to say except we've done it. We've endured what is possibly the longest, hardest four years of our lives, and we've come out champions." As she speaks, she turns to each and every one of us, gracing us with her beauty.
"Thank you so much for being friends, rivals, frenemies, and giving me the opportunity to be your captain."
"I'd also like to thank all our teachers and Louis, for showing us how to rise up to a challenge, be futuristic thinkers and most importantly, true leaders. Thank you for turning this ragtag group of students into your pride and joy. We won't let you down."
She takes a bow before stepping off the stage and returning to her seat beside mine.
"You did great." I whisper as we stand up for the official tassel turning ceremony. She just grins before shushing me and we both turn towards the podium.
"Ravens. Eagles." Dad addresses us with a huge smile on his face. "Slowly turn your tassels from right to left."
Proudly, everyone does as told and I can see tears starting to pool in his eyes. "Congratulations! Give a big hand to the graduating class of 2004!"
Applause erupts from behind us and soon, hats are flying in the air. I can't contain my joy as I throw my own cap before catching Suzanne in a hug. Our moment however, is broken by a little mop of blonde hair.
"Suzu!!!" She rushes up to us and practically jumps into her arms. Honestly, I shouldn't be jealous of a two-year-old, but I am.
"Congla... Congladu..." Brooke tries to say the right word, and it's the most adorable thing in the world. She's the cutest and most precious thing in the world.
"Congratulations?" Suzanne suggests knowingly and the look the two of them share is the sweetest thing I've ever seen. Suzanne is so good with Brooke and she doesn't mind at all when the little Brookie trails us on our secret dates. And thankfully, little Brooke's great at keeping secrets or else the two of us would be dead by now.
"Yeah, that one." Brooke gives Suzanne a tight hug before squirming to be put down and running towards dad.
"Louis." She greets when dad's right beside us. He in turn shakes her hand and says a few words of adulation.
"So Suzanne, what are your plans after the Greenhouse?" He asks and Suzanne doesn't hesitate before answering.
"I'm going to study to become a teacher." She says simply. "I want to educate and nurture young minds just like you. You've done so much for us and really inspired me. Thank you Louis, for everything."
Dad smiles, obviously proud, and I try to ignore the envy pooling deep in my stomach. Dad has never looked at me that way before. I've tried and tried to do the best that I can but he never has. I can't do anything about it though and I eventually gave up.
"Well, I'm honoured that you think so highly of me. And if you are really considering becoming a teacher, let me be the first one to offer you a teaching position." His words take the two of us by surprise and I do my best to hold back my excitement.
"Really? Are you serious?" Suzanne looks elated, overjoyed, and happier than she was when she was announced to be the top scorer among the whole United States for the 2004 SATs.
"I see no one better to be a teacher than the captain of the Ravens herself, do you?" Her grin stretches from ear to ear and I just want to kiss that beautiful face of hers senseless.
"Thank you so much Louis. I'll study hard to become the best teacher the students will ever have." In her excitement, she practically pounces onto him, giving him a hug, and I have to stifle a laugh as realisation dawns I her. Embarrassed, she quickly let's go but not without sending him a sheepish smile.
"And I have no doubts about that." He sends her a final smile before leaving to congratulate other students with Brooke in tow.
When we're finally alone, we move to "our spot" to talk.
"Well, you heard my dad." I remind her eventhough I'm sure she doesn't need a reminder. "You're welcome to come back here and teach when you're ready."
"You know why I want to come back here." She sends me a pointed look. "It's to be with you. Are you sure you'll be ok?"
I nod at her concern. "I'll be fine. Brooke keeps him at bay and he's more mellow now than before."
"You know you can call me if you need me. Stanford's just a four-hour drive and I'll be here as soon as I can-"
I plant a soft kiss on her lips, and we have the last kiss that we'll share for a long while. As we kiss, I realise how much I'll miss this, how much I'll miss her, while she's away. Ever since she arrived at the Greenhouse 4 years ago, we've been inseparable, and now, we're not going to see each other for a long time.
I push those thoughts away however, and focus on the now. I let myself melt into the kiss. The feel of her body pressed into mine just feels so right and we express all our love, our fear, the uncertainties of what the future holds in that single kiss. And when we need to pull apart for air, it practically tears me into pieces.
"I know. I'll be ok." I give her a final hug before she gets up to leave because her plane for Stanford departs in a few hours.
As I watch her leave, I try to hold back my tears but with each step she takes, I feel like the glue that's holding me together is dissolving, and soon, I'm crumbling into pieces.
"Grow up. Don't be such a baby." He suddenly appears beside me, taking me by surprise. "It's not like you're never going to see her again." He chastises me and I deserve it. I'm being weak when I should be strong.
"I know but-" I try to explain but he cuts me off.
"I... I know but..." He mocks me and I do my best to keep my tears at bay. But my best isn't good enough as a few escape anyway.
"But nothing." His voice is sharp, leaving no room for argument. "You're a big boy now. Wipe those tears away and start acting like one."
I can't do anything but nod and obey. He's stronger, smarter, wiser. Compared to him, I'm nothing but a weakling and I know I can never fight him. So I listen and follow him back towards the Greenhouse.
A few years later...
I'm turning the corner when I'm suddenly blinded. Two soft hands cover my eyes and I am immediately filled with joy.
"Suzanne." I whisper softly as I remove the hands from my face and hold them in mine. As always, they fit perfectly. Seeing no one around us, I pull her closer and wrap my arms around her waist, letting myself enjoy the feel of her all too familiar embrace.
"Hello to you too." She giggles and the melody warms my heart. It has been too long since I've heard her voice and felt her near me. It's so soothing, magnetic, it pulls me towards her and makes me want to never let go.
We walk to the bench, and there, we find him, so the three of us begin to talk.
"I've missed you so much babe." He says, giving her a kiss which she immediately reciprocates.
The three of us are in a three-way relationship and I don't mind. She loves both of us equally and I've learnt to deal with it. Having to share her with him is better than not having her at all. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I had to let her go.
"I've missed you too." She holds both of our hands and we just sit and talk for hours and hours like we used to. Eventually the sky gets dark and we have to go in for dinner. Before we part ways though, we remind each other that we have to keep our relationship a secret. I can't remember why but I know dad wouldn't approve of it.
As I leave to enter the cafeteria, I hear him talking to her about some secret plan that will make them rich. I want to jump in and listen to what they're talking about, make sure that everything they're planning is legal and safe, because woe betide whoever harms a single strand of hair on Suzanne's head, but I know that would be pointless because they would just shut me out. And I know they will have to tell me eventually.
Ending of S04E08
He and I step out of the hospital and as planned, Suzanne is already there waiting for me. She and he are insanely smart, and together they are unstoppable. They have planned everything to a T and right now, all we need to do is revel in our newfound wealth.
The three of us quickly hop into a chopper and we're off to the Cayman Islands. So long Greenhouse, we're free from you at last.
And this has been an AngelFanfics productions.