ALRIGHT. BIG NEWS, EVERYONE. THIS LITERALLY SHOOK THE INTERNET FOR A WHILE. AND EVENTUALLY. I DECIDED TO STOP PRETENDING TO BE DEAD FOR THE SAKE OF A JOKE.

BEFORE WE GET INTO THE MEAT OF THIS DISCUSSION, THOUGH. I WANT TO INTRODUCE A FRIEND TO YOU. HER NAME IS. MARRISSA THE WRITER. SAY HELLO, MARRISSA.

MTW: HELLO EVERYONE! So when California-

CALIBORN. I WILL DRILL THIS NAME INTO YOUR PATHETIC HUMAN FEMALE SKULL BY MYSELF IF I HAVE TO.

MTW: Alrighties! So when Caliborn called me and said that the Half Life story ended I was quite shocked. Now I never played half life but its by the same guys as Portal so it must be an important thing!

YES. YES, MARRISSA, IT IS. THE ENTIRE INTERNET IS NOW DISCUSSING IT. EVEN THOSE THAT NEVER HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH GAMING. SINCE REMEMBER. THE NONEXISTENCE OF HALF-LIFE 3 IS WHAT'S KNOWN AS. A "MEME".

TO CUT A LONG STORY SHORT. THE REAL WRITER OF HALF-LIFE CAME OUT. WITH A BLOG POST SIMPLY TITLED "EPISTLE 3". AND EVERYONE DECLARED HALF-LIFE 3 DEAD. BUT IT'S NOT DEAD. THE STORY IS RIGHT THERE. AND I CAN COVER IT.

MTW: Okay then! Why don't we begin?

ONE PROBLEM, THOUGH. I HAVE A COMPANY NAME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF WITH. "CALIBORN PRODUCTIONS." BUT YOU DON'T HAVE ONE. GOT ANY IDEAS TO FILL IN THIS HOLE?

MTW: Not really...

THEN I'LL MAKE ONE UP FOR YOU. HOW ABOUT. "MARRISSA'S STORIES". SINCE YOU'RE A WRITER, AS YOU CLAIM.

MTW: That sounds great!

ALRIGHT. IN THAT CASE. CALIBORN PRODUCTIONS AND MARRISSA'S STORIES COLLECTIVELY PRESENT.

HALF-LIFE 2. EPISODE THREE.

MTW: Didn't you just say it was Epistle 3?

MY BAD. SORRY. I APOLOGIZE. IN THAT CASE, I'LL START OVER.

CALIBORN PRODUCTIONS AND MARRISSA'S STORIES COLLECTIVELY PRESENT.

HALF-LIFE 2. EPISTLE THREE.

THERE. NOW THE TITLE IS CORRECT.

ALRIGHT. SO THIS STORY IS TOLD AS A LETTER. FROM SOMEONE NAMED "GERTRUDE FREMONT". WHO IS ACTUALLY GORDON FREEMAN. PRETENDING HE IS A BITCH. FOR SOME REASON. (WHICH ACTUALLY EXISTS OUT OF UNIVERSE. SO THAT THE ORIGINAL WRITER OF THIS FANFIC. DOESN'T GET CAUGHT BY THE GAME COMPANY.)

AND SIMILARLY. THE FIRST AND LAST PARAGRAPHS OF GORDON'S LETTER. DO NOT CONCERN GORDON HIMSELF. BUT RATHER THE WRITER. APPARENTLY. HE LEFT THE GAME COMPANY. AND NOW DOESN'T RECOGNIZE ANYONE. SINCE, AS I PREVIOUSLY DETAILED IN MY HALF-LIFE RANT, THE GAME COMPANY WAS RUINED BY MAKING GAMES.

ALRIGHT. LET'S GET OUT OF OUR UNIVERSE AND INTO THE GAME'S ONE.

ANYWAY. I FORGOT TO MENTION. THAT AT THE END OF EPISODE/EPISTLE TWO. THAT ONE BITCH'S FATHER DIED. AND HE HAD A DYING REQUEST. TO DESTROY THE OTHER SCIENCE LABORATORY'S SHOWDOWN SHIP. SO THAT ITS TECHNOLOGY IS NOT ACQUIRED BY THE COMBINE. BUT ONE MEMBER OF GORDON'S TEAM. HAD OTHER IDEAS. AND WITH CONFLICTING IDEAS, EVERYONE FLEW. TO WHERE THE SHIP WOULD BE. BUT THEIR AIRPLANE GOT SHOT DOWN. AND THEY HAD TO WALK THROUGH.

WHAT THEY ENDED UP AT. WAS A COMBINE FORTIFICATION. BECAUSE THEY GOT THERE FIRST. BUT ALSO, THE SHIP. WHICH APPARENTLY IS STRETCHED THROUGH TIME. (LIKE ME.) AND EXISTS SIMULTANEOUSLY IN THE PORTAL AND HALF-LIFE UNIVERSES.

ANYWAY. DURING THEIR JOURNEY. THEY MEET THE PUPPET FROM THE HALF-LIFE 2 STORY. WHO HAS UPLOADED HIMSELF INTO COMBINE BIOLOGICAL TECHNOLOGY. BUT NOW. HE DOESN'T RECOGNIZE HIMSELF. AND BEGS FOR MERCY. AND WHILE THAT ONE BITCH DOESN'T GRANT IT. GORDON GRANTS IT. YOU GO, GORDON.

ANYWAY. THEY LOCK THE SHIP ONTO ONE PLACE FOR A WHILE. BOARD. (THAT IS GORDON, THAT ONE BITCH, THE TOKEN EVIL TEAMMATE AND SOME OF THE COMBINES.) AND EXPERIENCE WEIRD TIME SHIT.

AND. AT THE SHIP. THEY HAVE THE ARGUMENT ONCE AGAIN. THE TOKEN EVIL TEAMMATE ARGUES THAT THE SHIP SHOULD BE USED. WHILE THAT ONE BITCH SAYS TO HONOR HER FATHER'S WORDS AND DESTROY IT. AND EVENTUALLY. KILLS THE TOKEN EVIL TEAMMATE. AND THEN STEERS THE SHIP. TO DESTROY THE COMBINE.

THEN. THE MALE WITH A SUITCASE SHOWED UP. BUT NOT TO GORDON. INSTEAD, HE WHISKED THAT ONE BITCH AWAY.

UGH.

SINCE THAT ONE BITCH IS SO MUCH RELEVANT TO THE STORY, I MIGHT AS WELL CUT TO THE CHASE.

ALYX VANCE.

ALYX VANCE IS HER NAME.

SO. THE MALE WITH A SUITCASE AND ALYX VANCE GOT AWAY. AND GORDON WAS TRAPPED. HE SAW THAT HE WAS PILOTING THE SHIP. TO WHAT'S KNOWN AS A "DYSON SPHERE". WHICH IS THE ULTIMATE WAY OF HARNESSING A STAR'S POWER. BY COMPLETELY SURROUNDING IT. AND SINCE STARS ARE HUGE. AND THE SHIP IS JUST A SMALL SPECK IN THE TINY EARTH'S OCEAN. GORDON KNEW HIS DEATH WOULD BE IN VAIN.

UNTIL HE WAS RESCUED BY SOME OTHER ALIENS. THAT I FORGOT TO MENTION AND THAT ARE NOT RELEVANT.

AND THAT IS WHERE HIS STORY HITS.

THE END.

SO, WHEN FANS READ THAT. THEY NATURALLY ASSUMED. THAT IS IT FOR THE HALF-LIFE 3 MEMES. AND INSTEAD ENTERED. DEEP MOURNING. AS THEY WERE TO DISCOVER A GAME SERIES THAT DOESN'T FUCKING SUCK.

AND THAT IS IT. FOR ME AND MARRISSA. MARRISSA, DO YOU HAVE ANY PARTING WORDS?

MTW: Yeah I do! You should totally check out Undertale since I've been getting into it!

UNDERTALE.

SOUNDS INTERESTING. IS IT THE GAME THAT IS ACTUALLY GOOD. UNLIKE THE HALF-LIFE SERIES.

I WILL CHECK IT OUT.

IN THAT CASE. I AM TAKING THE SUGGESTION FROM MARRISSA. AND NOT FROM YOU. WHICH MEANS THAT I CAN CUT STRAIGHT TO.

FAREWELL. BITCHES AND ASSHOLES.

MTW: And see you in my next story!

tumut / =P