Chapter 16

Kylo groggily wakes and he's confused as if he didn't know what was going on. He'd not meant to fall asleep. He'd been watching usagi as she slept and he must have nodded off. usagi. Where is usagi! He sits up in a panic. She's gone. Where would she could of gone. Dammit he wondered if she left to go and talk to her friends. Or her family or her children. He was panicked because she didn't leave a note or anything,

"usagi!" called kylo

Kylo continued to call out frantically but gets no response. He tears from his bedroom and looks around his sitting room wildly but she's nowhere to be found. She's run from him. She'd never wanted to be here with himnever. It was all just a ruse so that she could escape. A chill runs down his spine as he realizes he hasn't had the opportunity to order the surveillance team to track her. She could be anywhereand he has no way to find her. She could be stealing a ship rightnow. He's losing her,he'slosingher. What a fool he's been, she'd waited until she knewshe could run from him. He's breathing fast and he reaches for his comm to order Hux to locktheFinalizer down. He won't let her go. Not now. Not ever. Dammit, sure she had other ways of travel.

kylo left it in his bedroom. He starts back to retrieve it when he notices the door to his sanctuary is open. He's certain he'd closed it. He rushes into the room of his treasures and finds usagi sitting in the middle of the floor angled away from him, her silver hair pooled around her. His knees nearly buckle in relief at seeing her, but then he notices his collection of usagi spread out in front of her unnaturally still form. Everything he'd found of her, all that had been brought back from Jakku, even the images are all there. This is bad. This is very, very bad. She has his blade clutched in one hand and something else in her other fist. Her head is bent and her hair hides her face.

"usagi?" said kylo

"I wanted to believe that you meant it. I really did," whispered usagi

"usagi, you shouldn't be in here." Said kylo

"I woke up and you were sleeping. Your sleeve had ridden up and I saw all the scars. I decided to get rid of your blade. I wanted to make sure there weren't anymore, so I came in here. I thought it was your training room, like mine." Said usagi

"Come into the other room. You weren't meant to see this." Pleaded kylo

kylo should never have brought her to his rooms. He never thought she would wonder into here to find the stuff in here. He should have hidden his collection, kept it in his office. Something. Anything but this. So yeah he was kinda stupid on this part, now she was freaked out from seeing this. usagi turns her head to look at him and her eyes are smoldering with rage. Those blue eyes that showed war and battle she been in, as she jumped to her feet. As power pushed out of her to show her anger.

"Oh, so I wouldn't find out how unhingedyou really are?" snapped usagi

"It's not … it's not like that," said kylo

"It's not like what? Not like you've gathered together bits and pieces of me from all across the galaxy? All changed to look like me now, sure I hated the person I was reborn here. But really kylo, Dozens of images from I don't even know where? Some twisted, melted thingon an altar? A cabinet full of giftsI assume you keep to woo whatever woman has caught your fancy? Nice to know I'm special." Hissed ussgi

"usagi, no, you've misunderstood everythi-" pleaded kylo

"I really don't think so. You're obsessedKylo, I can't believe I let myself forget how you chased me. Stalked me. Huntedme. Did you find new tokens every time you failed to capture me? A consolation prize when you couldn't get the real thing?" hissed usagi

Usagi was beyond pissed off. How could she let him do this to her. Sure the ship probably could feel her anger. But what the hell, why did he do this. Its kinda freaking her the hell out. It's as if he planned things a head of time. Usagi pinched the bridge of her nose feeling her true age when she deals with crap like this. Kylo needed to find a way to get her to see reason, its dumb of him for not thinking she would find this room,

"No! Well, yes. I did keep things of you that I found, but only because I couldn't have you!" said kylo

"Have me." Snapped usagi

"I don't mean it like that." Said kylo

kylo scrubs his face with his hands how could this have happened. Sure he knew it was going to happen sooner or later when he let her in his room to share his bed.. He has no idea how to salvage this. he snorts and gestures to Vader's helmet. As if it was even more odd than anything she gas ever seen. She was looking at it and wondered what and why it was even in someone room. It's just seems a but weird to her.

"And what about that little piece of horror in the corner?" asked usagi

"That's Grandfather's mask. It's where I meditate when he speaks to me." Said kylo

"Right, how could I forget the dead grandfather who talksto you. You really are demented. Or have you forgotten who I am, I'm a captain in the soul kings army. The soul king is my grandfather and my father is hades. So let's do the math. I could go into detail how the dead could speak to you" said usagi flatly

"He does talk to me" said kylo

"Here's the thing. I happen to knowthat he died in the light. You know how I know that? He's a Force ghost. And that doesn't happen for users of the dark side. It's a whole side of the soul society that's is their own. But anakin is kinda a nice guy a bit of a flirt but nice. " said usagi

"Did you ever see him?" asked kylo

Doubt flickers in her eyes. Usagi arched a brow to tell him she has.. kylo has so many questions. But not right now with her being pissed off and very angry at the moment. usagi points at him with his blade as she speaks. His eyes widen and she realizes what she's done. Her hand was filled with silver light as his knife turned to silver ash on the floor. Kylo shivered at how powerful usagi really is. As her hand opens and the light was gone. As she arched a brow again.

"Please, stop, liste-" pleaded kylo

"oh no! You're going to answer my questions and not confuse me with pretty, meaninglesswords. What about the holos? There are pictures of me that make no sense, of me in places I've never even been." Hissed usagi

"I … I had the analysts use the few I could find to create others." Said kylo

Kylo only done it because the security feeds from the Resistance bases had had such poor image quality. Most of all he did it out of worry as well he should not been. Since they have been killing her through her freaking food, most of all he hated he had to sedate her. He never wanted that. Plus he used them to map her features it was such a simple matter to request more ...

"And what about the cabinet of perfumes, scarves, jewelry? That was a particularly convincing lie, by the way. Never kissed anyone, right. Powerful men alwayshave women, and obviously you must have all sortsof women to have so many gifts. Lovely to know you just grabbed something at random to give me." Said usagi flatly

"I wasn't lying usagi. You arethe first woman I've kissed. You're the only one I want to everkiss. Everything in there is for you." Said kylo

"All that? You've known me less than a year and you expect me to believe that you amassed all of that for me?" hissed usagi

"Of course I did! There's just you. There could only ever beyou." Pleaded kylo

A little bit of her fire leaves her and she breathes out in annoyance. It's as if she was not going to believe him, sure it would be hard to believe. But what could he say to make her understand that he did all of this for her. Usagi sighed she didn't want to be cruel or mean to him, but she has to make a point acrossed about this. Kylo needs to know that this was odd and weird. But she will forgive him though after she makes him think on things he has done,

"oh the love of the moon, that's almost worse." Cried usagi

"What do you mean?" asked kylo

"It's terrifying. Me, here, with you … it's always been a foregone conclusion to you. You've never cared what I wanted. You have always ignored everything I say. Always. I almost let you make me believe that you see me, that you want me, but no, I'm just a possession for your collection. The final piece, I thought endymion was horrible when he did this to me." Cried usagi

"I love you!" whispered kylo

kylo tries to reach for her so he could comfort her. But he didn't like the feeling of being compared to snoke son. But he could see where she was coming from when it comes down to things. But he never meant to hurt her or scar her in anyway. But when she forgives him maybe she could get him to meet his grandfather. but usagi backs away with a silver shield and looks at him warningly. He lets his hands drop.

"Please, usagi my beloved. Please. We were just … we were so close, not a few hours ago. Let's go into the sitting room and talk. We said we'd talk," pleaded kylo

"You had me believing that you'd never ask anything of me thatI did not wish to give." Said usagi

"usagi, please. I … don't know what to say. I just … I needyou, I have to have you with me." Pleaded kylo

Usagi clenches her fist around whatever it is that she's holding and she cocks her head. She walks closer to him and she opens her hand. There, in the center of her palm are the rings. Oh Force. His most treasured dream shudders in his heart. As she arched a brow. Sure she wanted to marry him. But not yet though, it's as if he thought way ahead before she could even catch on. Kylo sighed everything was out in the open.

"I suppose that's why Jashad called me 'Lady usagi. Not because I'm a queen? If I walked out your door right now would you let me go?" asked usagi

He can't speak. He knows he can't let her leave. He knows he won't, but he also knows if he were to admit that it would ruin everything and he's not sure she would ever let him mend it. He blinks and he has the insane thought of putting her in a Force sleep, altering her memories. Perhaps they could start again? But he can't. He promised he'd never push into her mind again and besides, he doesn't want to lose these past few precious days with her. Oh, how he wishes he could lie to her in this moment, but Kylo knows precisely what happens when you lie. He can't look at her. He moves his gaze to the floor.

"No." whispered kylo

Eventually he glances up and she nods slightly. She's radiating hostility and he's beginning to truly panic. She turns stiffly and goes to his cabinet of gifts, placing the rings back in their drawer. Then she methodically starts packing away all of her things, including the images, back into their chest. She made sure she placed everything away neatly. As she walked over to him and wondered what she was going to do now.

"Are there any other knives?" asked usagi

"No." said kylo

"Good." Snapped usagi

Rey lifts her hand and slapped him and starts to walk to the sitting room. Kylo follows her, trying to keep the frantic fear at bay. As she stood by his door, and waited for him. She needed time to think from all of this. Most of all the ship his mother did to her mind last night. Kylo was sick with fear. She could leave with her powers. But he knew he cant restrict those from her.

"Please take me back to my quarters," demanded usagi

"usagi, no, please … we need to talk about this. Please, please sit and talk with me, let me explain," pleaded kylo

"No. I'm not ready to talk about this. I need some time." Snapped usagi

"Time." Gasped kylo

"Yes, I need time. I need to think. It's like I can't hold all of it in my head at once. Most of all the crsp your mother pulled last night, You say that you love me, I feel things for believe me I do, I find out you've been hoarding pieces of me like some fairy tale creature …well that's not far from the truth since I'm serenity, but You haveweddingrings, so I need time." Said usagi

"How much time?" asked kylo

"I don't know." Mumbled usagi

"Unacceptable." Said kylo

"Too bad. I will tell you when I'm ready to see you. If you're serious about this, prove to me that you can respect my wishes. Kylo Ren, are you going to prove that you can be patient and do this on my terms." Said kylo

"And if I do this, you will be mine?" asked kylo

"maybe who knows," said usagi

"And dinners?" asked kylo

he was hopefully that she would let that happen. Perhaps this isn't as horrible as it seems. Usagi sighed in annoyance and she shakes her head. Kylo groaned she really angry, yes he knows he was warned about making her angry from others. And she has her own way of dealing with things. But this is going to be horrible. It's going to be painful. But atleast she didn't destroy any of his tokens, he was glad on that. But she made sure to rid of the knife. The once he had for so long. Now he has to find some other way to cope.

"Nope no dinners. I'm not going to see you until I'm ready." Said usagi

"No, I won't accept that. I won't have you so close and not be able to see you." Said kylo

"Well you are going to have to find a way to manage it." Snapped usagi

"Please, please don't ask this of me. Anything but this. Just let me see you, just for an hour a day. I won't try to touch you, I promise," pleaded kylo

Kylo pleads with her to not do this. Its a punishment he knows. But he don't know if he could handle it. It will just go back to like it was before. he can control himself. He can't lose her attention, he just can't. usagi sighed it hurts her to do this. But there was so much to think on. But kylo needed to learn things like this was just odd. But she loved him and understood him very much. But she needs to think on things,

"Kylo … this … this isn't about you touching me. I … I like touching you. I … I just … , I need some time to think." Said usagi

"Don't shut me out, not like earlier. Don't shut me out." Pleaded kylo

"I'm not shutting you out. This isn't like that." Explained usagi

"Yes it is!" insisted kylo

Usagi sighed as her blue eyes plead with him and he doesn't understand. She'd left him no choice! Her jaw tightens and she looks away, obviously thinking hard. The silence stretches and it's all he can do to keep from pleading. Finally she returns her gaze to his. Yes he went about it the wrong way when he took her. But what else could he had done,

"usagi … please." Pleaded kylo

"No! When I'm with you everything gets confused! I have to have the time to untangle it all."

They look at each other for a long time and finally Kylo's shoulders fall in defeat. His thoughts are racing. He could refuse her demand, keep guards posted in her rooms to ensure she doesn't lock him out again, and then continue to talk to her, see her … but he's fairly certain she would hate him if he did that. Yes, he would still be able to spend time with her, but he doesn't want it to be like that. He doesn't want to treat her like a prisoner. But he must know she won't run from him.

"If I agree to this, you won't try to escape and that includes you using your powers to escape?" asked kylo

"there's really no point in trying to leave. Plus I don't want to leave I like it here. And I doI have feelings for you. But that's as much as you're going to get from me right now." Said usagi

"Alright, usagi … Alright. But, at least … at least tell me that you know that I love you?" said kylo

Her eyes finally soften as she know her heart is starting to love him as well.. usagi moves closer to him and she cups his cheek with her hand and he realizes he doesn't know the next time he's going to feel her touch. His throat grows very tight and his eyes sting. usagi presses her fingers against his face and says, He holds her eyes for a long time, not wanting this moment to end. As soon as she withdraws from him he knows he's going to have to take her back to her quarters. He can't suppress the pained sound that escapes him as she pulls her hand away.

"Please take me to my quarters." Said usagi

Suddenly he remembers state of her entryway and he hopes he has a brief reprieve. Kylo goes to his console and his heart sinks as he sees the message indicating that the work has been completed. He stares at the words for a long time. Finally he breathes in sharply and turns back to her.

"It's ready," said kylp

he says resignedly. She looks at the door expectantly. He stands in front of her and reaches for the clothing she brought with her. She thinks for a moment then nods. He takes it from her and tries to ignore the terror. But he can't. He looks down briefly and murmurs, He catches her eyes. He knows how desperate he sounds right now. But he doesn't care.

"But what if I must tell you something? What about when Jashad and Palek return with the location of your mother? Even though she not worth anything, you said so but out of curiosity, They're due back at any time." Said kylo

"If you need to tell me something, you may send me a message. I left a gift for you. It's a like all the communicator and computers that my scouts and others have" Said usagi

He looks into her eyes and wills her to relent, but she just returns his gaze stonily. Eventually she huffs a little breath and moves to open the door. Prodded into action, he opens it and indicates she should precede him. As she walks past him he sees the ribbon holding the broken necklace still wrapped around her neck and he tries to believe that it means something, that this will be over soon.

They walk silently down the corridor. They're halfway to her rooms when he realizes they're both barefoot and he's still in only his tunic and trousers. He hadn't even noticed in his distraught state and he finds he can't bring himself to care if he's seen.

Her rooms draw closer and each step is growing harder. Then they reach her quarters and she opens her door. He follows her inside and places overnight bag down on the table meant for his helmet. He knows he needs to leave her, but he finds he can't move. He just stands there, his knuckles white as he holds the bag tightly. he forces himself to release the chest and turn to her. His eyes roam over her greedily, trying to capture everythingbefore he's sent away. Her expression is sad and her eyes are conflicted. She starts towards him then stops herself. She looks away for a moment before coming to stand in front of him.

usagi reaches out and takes his hands in hers and draws him to the door. He doesn't move for a moment, then she's tugging and he makeshimself walk forward. Now they're standing before her door and she looks into his eyes. It's taking everything he has not to break down. He knows he can't speak, it would only come out as a sob. She doesn't move to open the door and he wonders if she means for him to do it. He's not going to; he's going to stand here, holding her hands for as long as she'll let him.

Her lovely blue eyes are full of pain and he's so confused. She's asked that he do this, give her time away from him, but she seems just as lost and unwilling to be parted as he is. He's shocked when she shudders and wraps her arms around him. He blinks once, twice, then he's returning her embrace, trying to infuse her with his devotion. Oh his usagi. She's so warm, so soft, and he holds her as tightly as he can. He caresses the top of her head, then he shifts so that he can press a kiss against her temple, feel her perfect skin against his lips one more time. Then she begins to move in his arms and a desperate whimper escapes him. He's not ready. He can't do this. But then she presses her lips against his, kissing him gently. He knows he shouldn't, but he swiftly moves his hands to her face and holds her fast, deepening the kiss. She doesn't stop him, instead matching his intensity.

He fills his kiss with how much he loves her, how he can't live without her, how he'll do anything for her. It's desperate and fraught and it goes on and on, until finally, usagi pulls back but only a bit. He rests his forehead against hers, still holding her face. They're both breathing heavily and he realizes Rey is trembling. Maker, it hurts. usagi draws back and pulls his hands from her face, but she laces her fingers through his. usagi looks away and he feels tension moving through her. She looks back into his eyes and she seems torn and broken. He has no idea how to interpret her expression. usagi drops one of his hands and turns to open her door. She draws her thumb across the hand she's still holding before letting go of it, as well. Every single part of him is screaming at him to pull her back and never let her go, but he holds himself still. Her gaze goes to the floor and she takes in a deep breath before she says,

"It's time." Whispered usagi

kylo stands, waiting for her to look back up, but she doesn't. She wraps her arms around herself, continuing to keep her eyes down. He's run out of ways to delay this. Finally he pulls together all of his will and manages to walk through her door. He feels like his chest is caving in and he's having trouble breathing. He turns to see her just one more time and she finally looks up. Her eyes are filled with anguish. She's so beautiful and he tries to burn her face into his memory. Then her hand raises to the panel and she holds his gaze as her door slides shut, cleaving his heart in two. Kylo gasps as he feels like something vital, essential has snapped. She's gone. He brushes against the Bond, hoping for one last moment of contact, but he finds her walls as strong as ever. He's shut out. usagi is only footsteps away from him, yet he feels as if a vast distance has opened between them and he has no idea how to cross it.

Meanwhile with kylo

He's back in his quarters; he's not sure how long he had stared at her door with unseeing eyes before stumbling back to his rooms. He paces back and forth, his hands clenching and unclenching. He craves his blade, but she's taken it and destroyed it. He considers going to his training room. There must be something he could use there … but he had told usagi that he would think about stopping. She wants him to prove to her that he can respect her wishes so that is what he will do, starting with this. But … perhaps it would quiet the clamoring in his brain? She would never know. All he needs to do is find another blade … He prefers his ritual, but surely this would bring him the peace that he needs? No. No! She's asked him not to do that anymore so he won't … well he'll try not to, at any rate. Temporary. This is temporary. He managed monthswithout her. She said that once he's given her this time she will continue to try. She will be back in his arms and everything will be alright. He can do this.n He will concentrate on the First Order, he'll keep her from his mind. The time will pass quickly. He's been ignoring his duties as of late, anyway. He never should have left the aftermath of the Resistance's attack to Hux, but he simply hadn't cared. Yes, there are things he must attend to.

Meanwhile a hour later

He stalks the corridors and he's nearly to the bridge. He's been cataloguing all that he must do. Everything he's ignored. He's not even glanced at the initial reports from the Resistance attack. Frankly, he hasn't bothered with much of anything since Ilaria, since he found … he pushes the thought away. He needs to gather the Knights of Ren, discuss how the recent losses affect their postings. He'd been close to sending them back to their ships, now that she … he shakes his head, trying to keep his mind free of anguished blue eyes. Plans he must make plans for how to best utilize his knights. There's so much to do. It will be fine. Minako and a few others was not happy with him right now.

Meanwhile later that night

He's back in his quarters and it's very late … very early. He'd inhaled reports and kept Hux until well past midnight, making plans for expanding First Order territory. He'd refused to discuss the Resistance attack, much to the exasperated general's dismay. Along with amara and micharu who been hunting them down, Eventually he'd had no choice but to return to his quarters he'd been falling asleep at his desk. He goes to his bedroom and stops dead as he looks at the rumpled bedding. He can almost feel her in his arms as she'd slept and he staggers. He's assaulted by the memories he'd spent hours shoving beneath duty. Her gasp as he'd sucked at her neck … her cold eyes as she'd sentenced him to this. Szayel came in and tried to talk to him. He spilled his soul to him and szayel told him she needed this and she will be back with him soon. Plus he fixed his nose because usagi son draco punched him.

Her delighted smile when she'd made fire with the Force … her face as the door slid shut. Over and over again he sees her eyes disappear behind the durasteel. He grabs his head and clenches his eyes shut against the images. Once he manages to push them away, he undresses and slips beneath the covers. Immediately the scent of usagi washes over him, taking him down, He pounds at his forehead with his fists and growls in tortured frustration. For months his fantasies had sustained him, but knowingthat she'd been in his bed torments and taunts. If he can't keep her from his mind, he'll try to focus on how goodshe feels. How delicious it was to kiss her. He recalls the weight of her on his lap, the feeling of her stroking his face. He closes his eyes and tries to lose himself in the memory of how her skin tastes, of the heat of moving his lips against hers. Yes, that's it.

The blissful memories cascade through him. He's plunging his tongue into her mouth, her fingers are digging into his bare back, he's thrusting against her. Yes, yes, yes. He can feel her hands in his hair, how she'd wrapped her legs around him. Oh Force, how she'd ground herself against his length. Now that he knows what she feels like, smells like, tastes like, he's painfully hard. It's been so long, perhaps he won't feel so empty afterwards, now that she's near? His hand is about to … but then he sees the warmth bleed from usagi bright open eyes and the door is again sliding shut, stealing her away from him. He's lost her, he's lost her … he buries his face in the pillow infused with her essence and he screams.

To be continued