As we established in Miraculous Headache, the Egyptians were right.
PROLOGUE
OOH, 'ONCE UPON A TIME'? HOW ORIGINAL!
{There was a... frog…?}
...TO BE CONTINUED…
Miraculous Migraine
Episode 16: Lila's Interview with a Villain
By: I Write Big
There was a bright light at the end of the tunnel. Its sparkling radiance was more beautiful than any star. Marinette floated towards the light, experiencing an inner peace she never thought possible.
"Marinette Dupain-Cheng," the deep and comforting voice of Anubis, the Egyptian god of the afterlife, echoed around her. "You have lived a fraught and hard life. Come, you will find none of that here."
"None of it?" she heard herself asking in dreamlike wonder. "Really? No Akumas? No Ladybug?"
"And no Alya blogging your misfortune, no constantly being late for class, and no Adrien to torture your emotions."
There was a pause.
"I probably shouldn't have mentioned that last part."
Marinette's arms punched into the sides of the tunnel. She stopped drifting towards the light.
"Adrien..." she whispered. There was something important about that name.
"No! Please don't touch the plane of existence!"
Marinette ignored the god and dug her nails into the tunnel walls. Their glassy surface shattered into millions of spiderweb cracks. She did something to Adrien. Something amazing, beyond comprehension. And then everything went dark. What was it? Her memory was hazy. Fragmented. Nothing was coming. Then she smacked her lips... and tasted cheese.
"Adrien!"
With great effort, she turned around and began crawling back towards the darkness.
"It's very delica—And you just retroactively erased Australia from history. Great."
"I KISSED—"
In a hospital:
The doctor sadly scribbled down Marinette Dupain-Cheng's official time of death. The child's poor parents sobbed in the corner. It was hard to lose a patient, especially one so young—
"ADRIEN!" Marinette declared, sitting up, alive and well.
Everybody screamed.
A week later:
"I kissed Adrien!" Marinette sang on the sidewalk.
She was almost late for class. Again. Alya was most likely going to blog about it. Again. But none of that bothered her because she had done the impossible. She, Marinette Dupain-Cheng, had kissed Adrien Agreste. Not Ladybug. Her. HER!
And died.
But that's not important!
She had come a long way from being that mute girl who was terrified of even being in the same room as the boy. Now, she could hold full, if stuttery, conversations with him while only being partially distracted by the thought of ravishing those sweet and cheesy lips. Things were looking up for Marinette and it was with that positive attitude that she pranced into the school.
"I kissed Adrien," she happily said as she entered the classroom. She let out a gasp. The seating arrangement had been changed. Nino was now sitting with Alya, leaving an empty seat next to Adrien! "I kissed Adrien?" she said to Alya as if it meant, "Alya, did you do this?"
"Oh my Astruc, she's still saying that," Alya grumbled.
"You seriously need to see a doctor, dude," Nino said with worry. "You were clinically dead for over an hour. That had to leave some serious brain damage."
Marinette waved off the idea and said, "I kissed Adrien," like it meant she was fine. "I kissed Adrien," she added, thanking Alya for changing the seats. She looked dreamily at Adrien who was sharpening his solid gold pencil with his solid diamond pencil sharpener. "I kissed Adrien," she sighed lovingly.
"Before you get any wise ideas, girl," Alya said, "you're sitting back there." She jerked a thumb at the empty back row.
"I kissed Adrien?" Marinette asked.
"Yeah, Lila needs the front seat because of her terrible hearing."
"I kissed..." Marinette's eye twitched, "Adrien?"
"Okay, class," Miss Bustier called out, licking her lips, "gird your loins and give a nice warm welcome to the fresh meat."
Lila Rossi sauntered into the room and chucked her ankle monitor into the trashcan. "That was a bomb," she lied. "I just saved all of your meaningless lives."
The class applauded.
"I kissed Adrien?!" Marinette growled as her wrench wound burned hotter than hellfire. Unbeknownst to the girl, that burning sensation was her damaged brain cells rapidly healing through the power of hatred.
"Oh my gosh! A seat in the front!" Lila said, taking her chair next to Adrien. "You all remembered my tinnitus which I got after that kickass shootout where I single-handedly saved the president from robo-ninja-assassins from an alternate dimension. I'm practically deaf. Thank you so much!"
Marinette ripped a chunk of wood from Alya's desk. "I kissed LILA!"
"And since I've been gone for so long," Lila said, leaning against Adrien, "you can help me catch up with my schoolwork, right, Adrien?"
Adrien squinted at the girl currently coiling her body around him like a boa constrictor. "As a friend, right?"
"Friend, status symbol, either works."
Marinette bit into her chunk of wood, sharpening it into a blade. "LILA! LILA! LILA!"
"Marinette," Miss Bustier said. "Please take your seat so we can start class."
"LILA MUST DIE!" Marinette roared.
"After class."
Pure fury coursed through Marinette's veins but she obediently stomped to her new seat.
"Alright, everyone," Miss Bustier continued. "Today, we'll be learning about the legendary lost continent of Australia."
Meanwhile in the hidden tower:
A great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting silhouette of a man hiding under a couch.
"Do you see it, Nathalie?" Hawkmoth whispered into his butterfly-themed walkie-talkie.
"I do, sir," Nathalie's voice whispered back. "It's still just watching TV."
"Hahahaha!" Duusu's distant deranged laughter fizzled through the small speaker. "Oh, Tom and Jerry, your violent sense of humor is timeless and relatable."
"It's also eaten almost everything in the fridge, sir."
"Whatever you do, Nathalie, don't go near it and never say Spread My Feathers. I'll fix this before it gets out of hand."
"I think it's a little too late for that, sir."
He turned off the walkie. "Oookay, I got a new housemate of pure evil who hogs the remote. No need to panic, I just need to stay focused and get Ladybug and Chat Noir's Miraculous." He sensed something and faced the spiral window. "Hello... you're new. I like what I'm seeing. Is that angst I smell?" Sniff, sniff. "Anger?" Sniff-sniiiiiff. "And do I detect a hint of hormone-fueled blood-rage? Oohoohoo, yes, you'll do nicely."
He filled one of his butterflies with darkness and sent it off.
Later at the classroom:
Marinette ground her teeth, never taking her eyes off She-Who-Must-Die. The last touches on her wooden stake were finished. It would fly perfectly.
Then, as she took aim, she remembered what her parents had taught her.
Everybody lies and that shouldn't matter. What matters is whether or not they're assholes.
She took a deep, soothing breath and—SAW THAT MISS BUSTIER'S BACK WAS TURNED!
Marinette hurled her weapon at Lila's vulnerable head.
Mid-flight, a black butterfly fluttered in the way and was impaled. The insect knocked the stake off course and was speared into the wall. The black butterfly flapped a few pathetic times, then crumbled to dust.
Hawkmoth stared. "Fuck."
Later in the cafeteria:
Marinette glowered over bowls of fruit and cartons of chocolate milk in the lunch line as most of her class attended to Lila's every need while carrying her on a golden throne.
"Here, let me massage your feet," Kim offered.
"Thanks, Kim. My feet have had so much built-up tension after carrying all those blind people out of that active volcano."
"Would you care for some of my lunch?" Max offered.
"Could you chew it for me?" Lila moaned. "My jaw is tired after giving that speech about the need for universal basic income."
"Do you want to copy my homework?" Juleka offered.
"Would you be a dear and copy it for me? My wrist is still sprained from sabotaging Kim Jong Un's open-heart surgery."
"Isn't he still alive?"
"Nope, that's just a robot Kim Jong Un. I assassinated the real one."
Marinette's wrench wound spasmed. "Lila must die!" she said.
"Are you stuck saying that now?" Alya asked. "Because I think I preferred you saying that you kissed Adrien."
"Lila must die," Marinette hissed. "Lila must die!"
"What makes you say that, dude?" Nino asked as Lila lied about being an ancient descendant of Napoleon.
"GAAAH!" Marinette grabbed them both and dragged them to a table. She took a moment, then said, "Lila must die."
"Not following," said Nino.
"Lila must die!"
"Hold on." Alya leaned closer with an inquisitive look. "I think I'm picking up on the subtle nuances of her words. Marinette, are you saying that you know Lila is a liar because you followed her after her first day of school."
"Lila must die!" Marinette nodded vigorously.
"And you were going to kill her?"
"Lila must… die..." Marinette glanced away guiltily. Then she quickly added, "Lila must die."
"I see," Alya said.
"What, dude?!" Nino asked excitedly. "What did she say?"
"She claims that on the day she followed Lila, she overheard her speaking to Adrien and she was lying constantly about everything. Where she's from, personally knowing Ladybug, rescuing people from life or death situations on a daily basis. Everything she said to him was a lie."
"But why would she lie like that?" Nino asked.
"Lila must die?!" Marinette waved her arms at the mountains of homework, smartphones, and cute outfits being laid at Lila's feet as libations to her magnificence.
"Hmmm… Yeah, I'm not seeing the reason, dude."
"Do you even have proof that she's lying?" Alya asked.
"LILA MUST DIE?!" Marinette screamed as if it meant, "PROOF?! ALL OF YOU ARE ACCEPTING EVERY RIDICULOUS WORD THAT SPILLS OUT OF HER MOUTH WITHOUT QUESTION BUT I NEED TO GIVE YOU PROOF!?"
"Yes," said Alya.
It was this last stroke of ineptitude that kicked Marinette's mental repair into overdrive and she reached 100% brain function in record time. She opened her mouth and spoke clearly for the first time, "SCREW YOU! I HOPE LILA LIES YOU BOTH OFF A FUCKING BRIDGE!"
Marinette marched away from the idiots, grabbed Lila, and carried her out of the cafeteria.
In the Girl's Bathroom:
Marinette plopped Lila down and locked the door behind her.
"Have I upset you?" Lila asked with what sounded like genuine concern. "This is about the new seating arrangement, isn't—"
"Did your mom abandon you?" Marinette asked.
Lila blinked. "Huh?"
"No? Okay, then your dad, right? He did something crazy, like, lie his way to the top of wherever he works. That it?"
Lila blinked again. "What are you—"
"Stop playing innocent!" Marinette screeched. "I have been at this FUCKING school much FUCKING longer than you, Lila, and, for whatever FUCKING reason, the only students admitted here are either extremely dumb or suffering from severe childhood trauma that turns them into FUCKING maniacs. I tried fighting it, I tried fixing it, but the only thing that seems to FUCKING work is to begrudgingly become everyone's friend/emotional pack-mule. It even worked on FUCKING Chloe. She used to be a trillion times worse before I gave her a chance. So, since nobody else seems to be able to see through your FUCKING obvious lies, I guess I have to go through the stupid FUCKING friend route. Tell me why you lie so FUCKING much, Lila, and I promise to be your friend. FUCKING friendship bracelets, FUCKING braiding each other's hair, FUCKING sharing tampons, we'll do it all. I won't make fun of you. I won't call you out on your FUCKING lies. I'll do everything in my power to help you overcome whatever is driving you to FUCKING lie constantly and together we can become better FUCKING people. Just FUCKING tell me. FUCK!"
For the longest time, it was quiet. Only the drip-drop of a leaky faucet kept them company.
"Nothing," Lila said at last.
Now it was Marinette's turn to blink. "Huh?"
"Nothing happened to me that made me like this."
The room suddenly got very cold. Shivers ran down Marinette's spine. She found herself unable to look away from Lila's eyes, which had her locked in place with some sort of hypnotic trance. It was like she was staring into the empty glass pearls of a snake or a doll or… Tikki. It was with horrific dread that Marinette realized that Lila was telling the truth.
"No one abandoned me, Marinette. No one taught me the values of lying. I'm not trying to get the attention that I never got at home. I was born this way like you were born with blue hair."
"Okay," Marinette gulped, trying to keep her knees from knocking together. "Thanks for being honest. I'm sure we can find a productive way to use your… talent... to help others and make real friends. Let's see, what can a natural-born liar do? Ooh, how about a politician or a bank manager or a—"
"I've got a better idea." Lila marched towards her, forcing Marinette to back up until she was pressed against the wall. Lila slammed her hands on both sides of the girl, trapping her.
"Are you… Are you going to kiss me?" Marinette asked.
"What?"
"Oh, is this what it is? You're in denial about being into girls just like Alya used to be—"
"I'm trying to intimidate you!"
"And I'm straight but if kissing me helps you get through your issues, I'm willing to experiment."
"LISTEN TO ME!" Lila punched the wall next to Marinette's head. "I intend to take over this school because I can. You appear to be slightly smarter than the rest of our dumbass class so I'll give you a choice. You're either with me—"
"Sexually?"
"SHUT UP! Or you're against me. And if you're against me, I'll turn everyone against you. You won't have any friends! You'll be cast out of the city—NO! The country! You'll have to run away to the polar opposite side of the planet, which is…" she googled it, "Waitangi, New Zealand? Huh. Right next to where the legendary lost continent of Australia was rumored to be. Cool. You'll have to run all the way to Waitangi, New Zealand after I shred your reputation to pieces!"
Lila finished her declaration of war with several frustrated growls in Marinette's face. The bluenette leaned forward and pecked the brunette on the lips.
"That do anything for you?" Marinette asked.
Lila's eye twitched. "And you'll never have a chance with Adrien," she added.
Marinette gasped. "You're a monster!"
"Fucking finally!" Lila stormed out. "You got until the end of the day to decide."
Now alone, Marinette scrambled into a stall. "What am I going to do, Tikki?" she asked as the Kwami popped out. "Lila is just… evil! Not misunderstood, not poorly raised, not a brat, not dealing with issues at home, just evil! She makes Chloe look like a really bad joke."
"She is evil, isn't she..." Tikki said, stroking her nonexistent chin in admiration. "She's really someone who, if you died and she became the new Ladybug, would stop at nothing until she conquered the entire human race." A fantastical image popped into Tikki's imagination of her laughing through Lila's mouth at the groveling masses of the defeated human filth. The rest of Kwamis chanted her name as she basked in their praise.
"If I don't do something, Tikki, she'll use her lies to make sure Adrien and I never get together."
"You should get angry," Tikki eagerly suggested.
"Angry? But I'm always angry."
"You think your constant whining is anger? That's nothing!" Tikki slapped her across the face. "Think of all the lies Lila will spread about you. Boil over what little joy you have in life being destroyed by this one bitch! Let it fester and steam until your emotions explode! Get mean! Get pissed!"
Her words ignited a fire in Marinette. Spurned on by her feelings of helplessness, her anger reached new heights. Her teeth gnashed! Her hair bristled! Her claws sharpened! Her fangs jutted out!
"Marinette, you got any toilet paper?" Mylene's voice asked in the next stall.
She punched a clawed fist straight through the stall wall.
"Never mind."
Tikki rubbed her arm nubs together. "Bingo."
Meanwhile in the Hidden Tower:
Hawkmoth shook his fist in victory. "Yes! The anger has returned! Back-up Akuma, get in there!"
Back at school:
The Back-up Akuma tore off their tiny schoolgirl disguise and fluttered into the girl's room. It aimed for the stall where a combination of hoarse rumbles and sniffles could be heard. On the other side of the stall door, they found Marinette crying on the toilet.
"Yes!" Tikki cheered at the sight of the dark messenger. "Take her! Force Chat Noir's hand into killing her and free me! Hahaahaahah!"
Downstairs:
Lila whistled a tune as she strutted through her future kingdom. There were big plans brewing in her head on what to do with the building. A few lies about her medical need to treat her chronically twisted ankle and the art room would become her new sauna. She already had the simpleminded classmates wrapped around her finger, now she just needed her crown.
"Hi, Lila," Adrien happily said after she latched onto his arm.
"Adrien! We need to decide when you're going to help me with my schoolwork as well as how you're going to constantly be at my side to give the impression that I'm more important than everyone else."
Adrien smiled kindly at her and said, "Lila, I would be more than thrilled to help you with your schoolwork, but could you do me a favor and stop lying to everyone?"
Lila's smile dropped. "Who says I'm lying?! I'm not lying! They're the ones who are lying!"
"Well, my Father is actually friends with every president on the planet, including France's," Adrien said casually. "He stops by once in a while for blackmail reasons and he has never once mentioned you or being rescued by robo-ninja-assassins from an alternate dimension. I also personally know who actually took out Kim Jong Un. And, of course, there was that time when we first met and Ladybug exposed that you aren't a superhero and never once lezzed out with her."
Lila shivered as she remembered the slimy sensation of Ladybug's tongue slithering down her throat.
"Fuck, right, you were there. Fine, you got me," she said. "What are you going to do now, rat me out to the class? Because if you do, you'll have to run all the way to Waitangi, New Zeal—"
"No, Lila." The gentlest, most heartwarming hands caressed her shoulders. "I'm here to tell you that you don't need to lie to have friends. Everyone here is a good person and they'd love to get to know the real you."
Lila stared. "So… just to be clear, you're not going to tell anyone?"
"I wouldn't do that to you, Lila. Besides, it'll mean so much more when you tell them the truth yourself."
She laughed. "Hahahaha!" She laughed harder. "HAHAAHAHAHAAHAH!" She laughed so hard she fell to the floor and gripped her splitting sides. "HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAA! Oh wow, I forgot how unbelievably stupid you are. I'm so glad I didn't bang you." She got back up and shoved him away. "You keep on believing in the power of friendship, the heart of the cards, and not doing anything to stop me, blah blah blah, I'm going to keep on conquering this school. Don't get in my way or I'll hashtag-me-too you, bye!"
Adrien pleasantly waved goodbye, "I'm sure we'll laugh about this later as good friends."
"No, we won't," Lila pleasantly waved back.
Meanwhile in the bathroom:
Tikki was still laughing. "Hahahahahahah—"
"FUCK OFF!" Marinette screamed as she uprooted the toilet and swatted the black butterfly through the floor. "Can't a girl cry in privacy?!" She shot a dirty look at Tikki.
The Kwami cleared her throat. "Good job, Marinette," she said. "You resisted evil. Hooray and stuff."
Downstairs:
Lila was still snickering. She just had to deal with not one but two goody-goody two-shoes who thought they could change her with the power of love and friendship. Hilarious! She made a mental note to remember to sprinkle a few lies about Adrien's touchiness and Marinette's anger issues when she's finally in charge.
CRASH!
Something torpedoed through the ceiling and smacked into the floor in front of her. It was a black butterfly.
"Jackpot," she said.
Lila picked up the barely clinging to life Akuma and pressed it against her earring where it shattered. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on her face and she saw the visage of a silver-masked man.
"Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Hawkmoth said. "How the hell? You're not angry or scared. Did you just willingly take the Akuma?"
"Of course I did." She grinned maliciously. "It's a weapon of unimaginable power that lets me control people and make them do my bidding. Why wouldn't I take it?"
Hawkmoth stared at her, growing more uncomfortable by the second. "Okay, I don't know how I feel about this. You seem too… eager..."
"Eager? What? Me? Noooo..." Lila quickly adopted a cowering position. "Oh no! It's Hawkmoth! Stop! You can't control me, you vile villainous villain! I am a sweet and innocent girl who never has evil thoughts of world conquest!"
"That's better. Phew!" Hawkmoth wiped off some sweat. "For a second there I thought you were some kind of manipulative mastermind taking the first steps towards using my magic to your advantage so you could eventually depose me and take all of my power for yourself."
Lila held her cowering position. "...No…?"
"Good enough for me."
Lila was swallowed by bubbling darkness.
Later, in the locker room:
Adrien had just shut his locker when Lila burst in.
"Adrien!" she wailed through rivers of tears. "You were right! I have seen the errors of my ways! All this lying is destroying my life! Woe is me! I'll change, I swear! I'll never lie again!"
"Really?" Adrien gasped. "That's great! I knew the power of friendship would work."
"That's exactly what's happening here, now let us seal my new lie-free way of life with a kiss."
"Sure thing—Wait, what?"
Before he could react, Lila had her arms wrapped around him and her lips pressed against his mouth. Several thoughts ran through Adrien's head. First was a general surprise on how many different girls had kissed him lately: Ladybug, Kagami, Marinette, and now Lila. Second was that out of the four, he enjoyed Ladybug and Marinette's kisses the most. Ladybug kissed with unmatched passion while Marinette kissed with the tenderness of a true friend. His third thought was about how cheesy and masculine Lila's lips suddenly felt.
"Lila," he pulled away while stifling an unexpected yawn. "Are you—" He stopped. Lila wasn't there anymore. Standing in her place, wiping a strand of drool off their mouth, was another him. "Felix?" he muttered woozily. "Father said no more chloroforming me..." He dropped to the floor in an enchanted sleep.
"I don't know who this Felix is," Chameleon said, nodding with respect, "but he sounds like my kind of man." They stowed Adrien in a locker and headed off to enact their devious plan.
In the locker, Plagg shook Adrien. "Wake up, man! Open your eyes! That Lila chick stole your face! Wake up!" He dropped Adrien. "Well, I'm bored." Plagg fished a marker out of Adrien's backpack and proceeded to scribble all over the boy's face.
Meanwhile:
Eager to find that black butterfly to vent her anger out on, Ladybug flipped up to the school roof and scanned the courtyard.
Everything seemed to be going smoothly.
Principal Damocles was giving an enthusiastic lecture on the history of indoor plumbing to an unfortunate soul who had mistakenly asked him for directions to the bathroom.
Nathaniel and Marc were pitching their Ladybug and Chat Noir animated film idea to a familiar bearded man in a grey hoodie surrounded by what looked like a congregation of monks.
Alix was playing catch with herself, constantly disappearing and reappearing on opposite ends of the schoolyard in blue mini-nuclear explosions to keep the tennis ball in the air.
Completely normal.
She turned her attention to the second floor where she saw Adrien approaching their classroom just as Nino and Alya came out.
"Hey, Alya, Nino," Adrien said. "So, are you guys dating again or…?"
"Naw, dude," said Nino. "We're totes taking things easy, trying to get used to being just friends again and focusing on good communication. So, my platonic ex-girlfriend, have you read any good books lately?"
"I did, my platonic ex-boyfriend," Alya replied with a can-do smile. "The other day I finished War and Peace."
"Whoa, sweet, you actually made it through that huge thing? What's it about?"
"War and peace."
"Yeah, what's it about?"
"War and peace."
"Yeah, what's it about?"
"War and peace!"
"Yeah, what's it about!?"
"WAR AND PEACE!"
"YEAH, WHAT'S IT ABOUT?!"
"IT'S ABOUT WAR AND PEACE! WAR AND PEACE IS ABOUT WAR! AND! PEACE!"
"Oh, War and Peace is about war and peace, I see." Nino thoughtfully stroked his chin in deep introspection. "And where on the Harry Potter timeline does this tale take place?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
"...Wow..." said Adrien. "I was going to try to ruin your day by destroying your relationship, but you two are clearly already doing that on your own. I guess it's time for Plan B." They swiped Nino's hat!
"AAAH!" screeched Alya, pointing at the top of Nino's bare head. "What is that thing?!"
"NO!" Nino gasped. "My hat, dude! No, don't look at me! Without my hat I'm hideous! HIDEOUS!"
"YOU ARE!" Alya yelled, shielding her eyes. "NO WONDER YOU NEVER TOOK OFF YOUR HAT IN BED!"
As Nino used his shirt to cover his deformity, Adrien donned the baseball cap and impossibly leaped to the school rooftop!
Ladybug gasped. "How did—No, not Adrien!"
But it was true, her perfect boy had been akumatized! With a sickly grin, Adrien jumped to the next building, going deeper into the city.
"I'll save you, hot stuff!" Ladybug declared and gave pursuit.
Later at the Eiffel Tower:
Chameleon dashed through the throngs of tourists, popping Ladybug balloons, knocking Ladybug flavored ice cream out of children's hands, kicking the local Ladybug impersonator in the groin.
Meanwhile:
Hawkmoth watched his son make a complete ass of himself. "Oh no, this is going to be on the news, isn't it?"
Downstairs, Duusu watched Adrien make a complete ass of himself on the news. "Gabe really doesn't think his plans through, does he, Nat?" it asked before chugging an entire 2-liter bottle of Mountain Dew.
Back at Eiffel Tower:
Chameleon was now hundreds of feet in the air, balancing on the edge of a steel girder. "Hey, look at me," they said joyfully. "I'm in danger."
"Hot stuff!" Ladybug swooped in and cradled the boy like he was her precious baby. "I got you, you're safe, don't worry, Ladybug will protect you. Show me where the bad Akuma touched you and I'll make it better."
Thoroughly weirded out and seriously questioning the nature of Adrien and Ladybug's relationship, Chameleon moved on to the next step of their evil plan. "Ladybug... Please... Help me..." They wretched out several sickening death-rattles—COUGH! COUGH!—and went limp in the heroine's arms. "The Akuma is too strong… Tell my Father I love him..." COUGH! COUGH!
"No! You're going to make it, hot stuff. I'm here. Just tell me how I can help you."
COUGH! COUGH! "Hold me closer, Ladybug. It's getting dark." COUGH! COUGH! "Tell Aunty Em to let Old Yeller out." COUGH! COUGH! "Tell Tiny Tim I won't be coming home this Christmas." COUGH! COUGH! "Tell Scarlett I do give a damn." COUGH! COUGH! This time in Ladybug's face.
"No, hot stuff," Ladybug sniffled through the spittle, "don't go into the li—" She sniffled again, and her nostrils flared with rising suspicion.
"Kiss me, Ladybug," Chameleon whispered. "One last time." They leaned towards her with puckered lips and—
Ladybug grabbed Chameleon's cheeks and squeezed until their mouth popped open. Then she stuck her nose in their mouth and inhaled deeply.
"You're not Adrien," she said.
Chameleon turned pale.
"You're…" Ladybug made a fist. "Not…" She cocked that fist back. "ADRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!" With a single punch, she launched Chameleon through the multiple solid steel floors of the Eiffel Tower until the villain crashed into the cement street and made a crater.
"...Ow..." Chameleon wheezed. Their eyes fluttered open just in time to see a polka-dotted missile on a collision course with their head. "FUCK!" Chameleon scrambled out of the way milliseconds before Ladybug's foot stomped into the Earth's crust.
Meanwhile, in Waitangi, New Zealand:
A chunk of road the size of Ladybug's foot shot into the sky, sending a Kiwi bird into space.
Back in Paris:
"I don't understand," Chameleon whimpered as they tried to crawl away. "How did you know?"
"Your breath," Ladybug seethed as she followed. "The real Adrien brushes his teeth with the highest quality mint-cranberry toothpaste that's handmade by artisan toothpaste brewmasters in Peru!"
The nearby news crew gawped. "How does she know that?" one asked.
Hawkmoth gaped. "How does she know that?"
"How do you know that?" Chameleon demanded.
Ladybug grabbed the Akuma's ankle. "Because he's MINE!"
She hurled Chameleon as if they weighed nothing. The villain crashed through one of the Eiffel Tower's legs!
Hawkmoth stared in awe of the destruction. Through the spiral window, he watched several buildings topple over like trees. "Hers?" he said. "Oh boy, I think it's about time I took an interest in my son's love life."
Ladybug cracked her knuckles as the dust and debris settled. She stepped forward, observed the mess she'd made, and said, "Ugh, crap, I lost them."
Back at school:
"And I've officially run out of skin," Plagg said, capping his marker. He observed his work, appreciating in the unibrow, the monocle, and countless dicks. "Guess I should wake him up."
Plagg blew an air horn in Adrien's ear, smashed some cymbals together, strapped a pair of headphones on the boy and blasted Death Metal at full volume. Adrien didn't even flinch.
"Okay, think, Plagg, think," the Kwami muttered, scratching his head. "Adrien is under an enchanted sleep, held prisoner from the waking world by magic. The only thing that can break an enchanted slumber is..."
He stared at Adrien's snoring lips.
"Suffocation! Of course! It's so obvious!"
Plagg eagerly covered Adrien's mouth and plugged his nose. After about ten seconds, the boy turned blue.
"Y'up, this should work any second," said Plagg.
Adrien turned purple.
"Y'up, any second."
Adrien stopped breathing.
"Any… second…"
On the other side of Paris:
Chameleon quickly kissed the boy they'd kidnapped and transformed into him. They stowed the real boy in a merry-go-round and got into position.
Back in the locker:
With Chameleon taking a new form, Adrien's sleeping spell wore off and he woke. He shoved the Kwami off and gasped desperately for air.
"See?" Plagg said. "I knew suffocating you would work. You're welcome, man."
After he had recovered, Adrien transformed into Chat Noir and raced to join the fight.
Meanwhile:
Ladybug furiously scoured the streets, grabbing people at random and forcibly sniffing the insides of their mouths.
"Where are you, Akuma? Are you this person?" Sniff-sniff. "Nope. How about you?" Sniff-sniff. "No."
"Quentin! Where did you go?" a nearby frantic mother cried. "Ladybug, have you seen my little boy? He's—"
Ladybug grabbed the woman and sniffed her mouth. "You're not the Akuma. Sorry, lady, I'm busy with official superhero business. I'm sure the kidnapper's demands won't be too expensive, presuming your son isn't already dead." She resumed her sniffing hunt.
Ladybug sniffed her way to a park, carefully inspecting the dental hygiene of every person she came across.
"Ladybug!" a young child called out to her. "I saw the evil bad Akuma hide in there!" He pointed at the nearby merry-go-round.
Ladybug stared at the unaccompanied minor, then at the nearby still panicking mother who had a remarkable similarity to the boy. She put two and two together.
"Oh thank you kindly, brave one," she said theatrically. "You have pointed me in the proper direction and I have bought it, hook, line, and sinker. Stay behind me, young child who is definitely not the Akuma, I'll handle this."
Ladybug moved towards the merry-go-round while secretly preparing her yo-yo.
"Come out, villain, and face me. You'd better not be BEHIND ME!" Ladybug whipped around and shot her yo-yo at the child. The weapon struck the child on the nose.
"OW! WAAAAAH!" The kid burst into tears and ran off. "Mommy! Ladybug hurt me!"
"Huh," said Ladybug. "I guess that really was just a regular kid. Sorry."
"HAHA!" Chameleon, now in young Quentin's form, laughed triumphantly as they jumped out of the merry-go-round lip-first at the distracted Ladybug.
"M'Lady!" Chat Noir said, landing behind the heroine and giving his customary butt-grope hello. "How are you and your fine booty doin—"
Chameleon's lips smacked the side of his head and the villain transformed into him! The real Chat Noir dropped to the ground, dead asleep again. The polka-dotted elbow meant for him rammed into Chameleon's stomach and catapulted them through the merry-go-round.
Ladybug turned and saw her super-partner taking a literal cat-nap. "Chat, you are so useless sometimes. But I guess I sort of owe you for the letters," Ladybug muttered as she hefted the cat-boy onto his feet.
"Haha!" Chameleon burst out of the merry-go-round wreckage and flexed their new super muscles. "I now possess all the strength and power of the real Chat Noir, including his CATACLYSM!" Their hand coursed with ultimate destruction.
"Yes!" Hawkmoth cheered. "Quickly, take Chat Noir's Miraculous while he's down."
Chameleon turned to their final opponent. "Give up now, Ladybug, or I'll—"
"Destroy me and take my Miraculous from my corpse, yada yada, blah blah blah, heard it before," Ladybug sighed uncaringly as she used her yo-yo to sling the unconscious real Chat Noir onto her back. "I've been kicking Chat's ass since day one. What makes you think I'm scared of you?"
Chameleon didn't know how to respond to the heroine's bored face and feebly pointed at their Cataclysm.
"Ooh, how terrifying, come on, let's do this before Chat Noir gets morning wood."
"Morning wha—"
A snoring Chat Noir hit Chameleon like a wrecking ball before spinning back to Ladybug like a yo-yo. Chameleon flew high into the air, back towards the Eiffel Tower.
In the Eiffel Tower's brand new oyster bar:
"I don't know, Jerry," said one of the waiters, "it just seems like a terrible location to open a restaurant. The Eiffel Tower is constantly the scene of Akuma battles and the place is regularly destroyed on a near-weekly basis."
"That's the point, Phil," said Jerry, the restaurant owner. "This way people will get dinner and a show."
Chameleon burst through the floor, then through the table where the Bourgeois family was dining, then through the ceiling, and just kept going up.
Jerry the owner watched his highest-paying customers drip with oyster juice. "I'm not getting my million euro deposit back," he moaned.
Up above:
Chameleon finally came to a painful stop on the top floor. Ladybug arrived shortly after.
"You can't beat me!" Chameleon snarled. "I've got other tricks up my sleeve." They extended their battle staff, twirled it menacingly, and stared as it crumbled to dust.
Chameleon looked at their hand which no longer coursed with the power of ultimate destruction. "...Merde. Uh..." They held up their belt-tail, "Does this do anything?"
"Nope."
Ladybug grabbed Chameleon's throat. The villain flailed and struggled, but could not break free from Ladybug's superior strength. The heroine's other fist wound back for a punch. Chameleon winced!
Nothing happened.
No punch came.
Hoping this wasn't a trick, Chameleon cracked open an eye and saw Ladybug hesitating.
"Hey, could you, um..." the heroine awkwardly looked away, "change into someone else."
Chameleon blinked.
"It's not that I mind beating up Chat Noir, it's just…" It was hard to tell but Chameleon swore Ladybug was making an embarrassed face. "He's still a pervert and I hate his guts but, you know, he's been getting better at this hero thing lately and he's sort of been helping me with a personal issue. I mean, really helping me and I, um… Ugh! Look, just turn into someone else. I don't feel comfortable hitting Chat Noir right now."
Chameleon turned to Hawkmoth to see if he could make sense of this.
Hawkmoth only threw his hands up, equally dumbfounded.
"No," Chameleon said.
Ladybug didn't punch.
"Haha! I've figured out your weakness, Ladybug!" the Akuma cackled. "There is a heart in there after all. You actually care for Ch—"
"SHUT UP!" Ladybug bull-tackled them and they both tumbled back down the hole Chameleon had made.
In the oyster bar:
"I am terribly sorry, Mister Mayor," Jerry the owner said, placing a bowl of spiky sea urchins on their new table. "Please accept this dish, on the house. Be careful, the sting of the spines is ranked amongst the most painful experiences in the world."
Chameleon landed face-first in the spiky sea urchins. Ladybug landed on top of them. Chat Noir landed on top of her.
"Ow, my lips!" Chameleon cried and in a flash of pink, they transformed into a sea urchin.
Immediately, Chat Noir awoke. "Huh? What? Where am—" He saw that he was strapped to his Lady's back. He nuzzled against her and purred.
"Free ride is over," Ladybug said, shoving him off.
"Oh, wow, LB," he said, "did you defeat the Akuma all on your own again?"
"Y'up," she replied through a forced smile. "Not a single moment of hesitation. Just beat them senseless without a second thought or conflicting emotions. Punching your face was the easiest thing I ever had to do." She cracked open the urchin, broke the earring she found inside, and de-evilized the black butterfly.
She cast Miraculous Ladybug and the Eiffel Tower was put back together.
The merry-go-round was repaired.
Nino's hat was returned and his shame was hidden from the cruel unjust world.
After the city was put back together, the sea urchin glowed and expanded until it became LILA ROSSI!
"Are you fucking kidding me?" Ladybug growled. "What the hell did you have to be angry about?!"
"Oh, Ladybug, it was awful!" Lila swooned, falling backward into the heroine's arms. "This fat and ugly girl named Marinette Dupain-Cheng threatened me with—"
Ladybug dropped her. "Wait, I just remembered, I don't give a fuck." She swung away.
Chat Noir helped Lila to her feet. "Don't take it personally. Bugaboo pretends to hate everything and everybody, but deep down she really cares. A little word of advice, Lila, you don't need to lie and pretend you're something you're not. People will like you for who you are if you're honest with them."
"Wow," Lila said. "That is the best advice nobody has ever told me before. Thank you, Chat Noir, you have my word that no more lies will cross my lips."
"Glad to hear it. And if you like, I'll be your first friend."
"No, I would hate that," Lila said with more honesty than anything she'd ever said in her entire life.
"Fair enough. See ya!" Chat Noir leaped away.
Lila waved goodbye with a gentle smile. As soon as the heroes were gone, that smile melted until there was nothing left but a foul grimace that spoke of a bottomless thirst for revenge. She would not stop. She would not rest. She would go through anything and anyone until she got what she wanted. And what she wanted was Ladybug's head on a platter.
Hawkmoth, meanwhile, was filling out his customary post-Akuma review. "Eager to please. Thinks on her feet. Holds as much disdain for Ladybug as I do for my sister-in-law. Yes, I think she'll do nicely in the Hawkmoth Internship Program. I look forward to working with you again, Lila Rossi. Until our next adventure."
He turned to leave and came face to face with Duusu.
"I'm bored," it said. "Can I play with the window?"
Hawkmoth said nothing.
Duusu took the man's terror-stricken silence as a yes and startled fiddling with the spiral window switch. Close. Open. Close. Open. Close. Open-close-open-close-open-close-open-close-opencloseopenclopenclopenclopenclopenclope—
BANG!
In an explosion of electricity, the spiral window shattered.
"Teehee, I'm an agent of chaos," Duusu said.
Later, at school:
The class was prostrated at Lila's feet as she regaled them with her epic tale. "And that's when the Akuma possessed Chat Noir, so Ladybug and I had to team up to defeat her former ally. But, you know, nothing special. How was your day?"
"You are the greatest, Lila!" cried Alya from her crouched position as Lila's new personal footrest. Lila needed the extra support since she practically maimed herself while rescuing Ladybug. "We are unworthy to breathe the same air as you!"
"Glory be to Lila!" the class chanted. "Long may she reign!"
That was the last bullshit Marinette could take. She rolled up her sleeves, cracked her knuckles, grabbed a knife and—
"The power of friendship isn't going to work, is it?" Adrien asked sulkily as she passed him. He didn't look at Marinette, only focusing his depressed sights on Lila. "No matter how much we offer trust and understanding, Lila is just going to keep lying and using people, isn't she?"
"Wait, you know?!" Marinette screeched but then covered her mouth when she noticed her Adrien was on the verge of tears.
"Marinette, was I wrong?" he sniveled. "Does the power of friendship not exist? Does love not exist?"
Her dark and yet perfectly justified desire to slit Lila's lying throat was overpowered by her need to protect her precious Adrien's innocence. Marinette chucked the knife away. "What? No! Of course love exists!" she consoled. "We just gotta keep giving Lila as many chances as it takes for the Power of Friendship to fill her heart with magical rainbows and dancing gummy bears."
Adrien wiped away the tears and smiled. "You mean it?"
Marinette smiled widely back and lied as expertly as Lila, "Yes. It's not a big deal that Lila lies constantly and everyone automatically believes her for no reason. It's not like she could use that to her advantage and turn the entire school against the two of us, the only people who know that she's lying. It's not like all it takes for evil to win is for good people to do nothing, which is exactly what you're suggesting we do. As long as we don't expose Lila's obvious lies and continue to let assholes do assholish things, everything will be fine."
"Thanks, Marinette." He hugged her. "You always know exactly what to say."
Marinette shortly died from his heavenly touch again and had to claw her way back to the land of the living once more. She accidentally erased guacamole from history along the way.
Later, in the classroom:
The students took their seats for the afternoon classes. Marinette reluctantly sat in the back by her lonesome until she was unexpectedly joined by Adrien.
"Way to take the high road, Marinette," he said. "I'm proud of you."
Marinette said nothing. She only watched Adrien and tried to comprehend the fact that he had consciously chosen to sit next to her. Was this the first step? Was Adrien finally showing an interest in her? Would this semester of them sitting next to each other, sharing notes, exchanging jokes, blossom into the love she so dreamed about which would lead to them getting married, having three kids and adopting a hamster named—
"Marinette," Adrien nudged her. "Miss Bustier has been calling your name for the last thirty seconds."
The girl snapped out of her fantasy and quickly said, "Present!"
"Hmmm, you clearly have hearing issues too, Marinette," her teacher said. "You'd better come up here and sit next to Lila."
Her hopes for the future dashed, Marinette trudged to the front of the room, only for Lila to jump to her feet. "It's a miracle! My tinnitus! My short-sightedness! My werewolf curse! They're gone! Praise be to Ladybug! Her magic has cured me of my ailments! I'll just go and sit in the back."
"What about your dyslexia?" asked Miss Bustier.
"Oh, did I say I had dyslexia? Yeah, that's gone too." She scurried to the chair next to Adrien.
"I'm moving too," Alya declared. "I've learned that I can't stand being near my ex."
"What?" squeaked Nino. "Since when, dude?"
"Since you told me that you didn't know the difference between a blog and a vlog! You don't deserve to call yourself a teenager!" Alya hopped over her desk and sat next to Marinette.
"I'm sitting next to Nino," Adrien called out.
"What?!" Lila seethed. "Why?"
"I'm sorry, Lila," Adrien shrugged as kindly as he could. "To be honest, I just don't like you."
This kicked off the anarchy as everyone suddenly realized they could sit wherever the fuck they wanted. When the Chinese fire drill was over, Ivan was sitting on the floor, Alix was hanging from the ceiling, and Lila was still in the back next to a certain red-headed comic book artist.
"Hi, I'm Nathaniel. My boyfriend and I just secured an animated movie deal with the Thomas As—"
"Fuck off."
"You got it."
Later, outside school:
Marinette said her goodbyes and headed for home. It had been a stressful day, but at least it was over.
"This isn't over," Lila said, stepping in her way. "From your little seat changing stunt back there, it's clear that you've made your choice."
"Stunt? What are you talking about? Miss Bustier made me change seats. Everyone else, including you, changed seats on their own."
"Don't lie to me!" Lila roared. "You tricked me! You arranged the whole musical chairs crap in order to humiliate me! Admit it! ADMIT IT!"
Marinette stared at Lila and the furious flames in her eyes. "Oh. Wow. You have trust issues." Then she gasped and her own eyes sparkled like diamonds. "You have trust issues! Something did happen to you, Lila! I knew it! Something happened that made it hard for you to trust others and rely on lying!"
"NO! Don't try to change the subject! You and I are at war!"
Marinette pulled Lila into a hug and whispered solemnly into her ear, "Lila, I promise you I will figure what made you unable to trust others and help you face it. We'll probably cry a lot and there'll be moments where we hate each other, but in the end, I swear, we'll become friends."
"Stop trying to figure me out! I'm not a sob story! There's nothing more to me! I'm just a manipulative liar! That's it!"
"Keep telling yourself that, future best friend." Marinette patted her hand. "Keep telling yourself that." Marinette headed home, leaving a very confused and frustrated Lila.
"There," Marinette said to herself, "that oughta fuck with her head for a while."
END
And we're back to our regularly scheduled program.
PSA - Remember, girls, don't share your tampons. It's not healthy and can lead to septic shock. This has been The More You Know.