Day 59

I was taking deep breaths and exhaling slowly, while Hershel was moving cold metal of stethoscope around my chest. Again.

I was grounded for the past three days, and it was getting on my nerves. I don't do well with sitting still. But the doctor ordered a rest, and I had to obey. I tried not to, of course, but apparently, doctor-patient confidentiality doesn't exist anymore. So, everyone knew, not just that I'm ill but also how it happened. T was more than happy to provide details of the story.

But today was the day. I felt much better already, even my side wasn't killing me every time I moved.

"It sounds better, but I can still hear shimmers," Hershel finally said. I scrunched my face and looked at him, unhappy with that.

"So, what are your orders, Doc?"

"I don't want you to go outside of the farm, but you can move around."

"Better than nothing, I guess."

"And how's the wound?"

I looked down and hummed. "Better, still hurts if I move weirdly or if I'm lying on it. I think we can take stitches out in a few days."

"We'll see." I watched him leave the room and sighed. I was bored. I wanted to go hunting, or just for a walk for that matter. Or to do my daily exercises, which I neglected since we left the quarry.

That's precisely what I did, took a slow walk around the farm. It was huge, way bigger than we thought. I stood in the middle of a field, away from the house, watching the cattle. That's not very safe, we need to post guards here, or some other type of protection to alarm us in case walkers show up. In just minutes, all these cows could be dead, and meat spoiled.

Maybe build some watchtowers, one looking at the fields, and the other near the house. Rick still has his walkie-talkie; I have mine, a simple way of communicating. But it means two people on the lookout at all times. I'd have to talk to the sheriff about it.

I heard the steps behind me and automatically spun around, raising my gun towards the intruder.

Carol froze in her steps, swallowing thickly, and I let out a heavy breath, slowly lowering the weapon.

"Fuck, don't scare me like that!"

She smiled at me gently and gave a small nod. "Didn't mean to. What you doing?"

"Having a walk. Hershel finally deemed me capable," I said and watched her play with her fingers. She shifted a little before speaking again.

"I saw you coming out here and... I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for," I replied and shook my head. I wasn't angry, not anymore. "You are grieving, and I pushed you too hard."

"That doesn't change the fact that I was a bitch." At that, I laughed.

"It's fine, Carol. Don't worry about it." When I said that, she walked to me and hugged me. I didn't want to put us at odds again, so I returned the gesture. I really am going soft around those people.

"Do you want some company?"

I shrugged at that, "If you have nothing better to do."

We walked around the farm for a little before she spoke again.

"Daryl moved to the edge of the property."

I nodded and clenched my jaw at that. I had a conversation with the hunter about that, and I knew, at the moment, he needed space. "He just needs time."

"I don't want him to pull away." She sighed, and I watched her carefully; she genuinely looked upset about the fact. My eyes went back to the view in front of us as I thought about an answer.

"He thinks that carrying was a mistake," I said softly. "He's not used to it, and what happens if you fail."

"But he didn't!" She took my hand and stopped, making me look at her again. "Neither did you."

I took a shaky breath. This, coming out of Carol, seemed like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.

"I know. And he does too. Somewhere deep inside, I guess. Daryl just needs some time to understand his feelings." I squeezed her hand and smiled a little.

"I'm just scared that he'll leave." You and me both, sister.

"He won't. Not if I can help it," My voice was stern. "Plus, he's not stupid, Carol. He knows that it'd be hard to survive without other people."

"You two are so different. Why do you care about him so much?" What sort of fucking question is it? I faced the women again, reeding her body language. But there was nothing that my stupid heart suspected. She stood there, hands down, looking straight in my eyes. Her face didn't show really any other emotion, but curiosity.

"He's a friend. You know that. Besides, he deserves someone to care for him. Not for what he can or can't do for us. But for who he is." She smiled widely at my answer. But that quickly disappeared when she looked at something over my shoulder.

"OK, I need to go back to the laundry." I spun after her and saw Rick walking towards us. So Carol didn't want me or Daryl to feel guilty, but clearly still blamed Rick for what happened. That can be a problem in the long run.

"How's going, officer?"

"She still won't talk to me." His eyes were following the woman who took off just moments ago.

"Yeah, she just needs time." It seems like we all fucking need it.

"I wanted to talk to you." He finally looked at me, and I rose my eyebrows. "Hershel let's us stay, for now. Winter's gonna come sooner than later. We need to make this place safer."

"Oh, I got some ideas."

Day 61

It was good to be back in the woods. Peaceful, a moment just to yourself. Breathing a fresh air of forest after the rain is unique. It also was suitable for tracking, footsteps, or paw trails more visible. It was pouring down all last night, but it also made the air stuffier; this morning, the sun was scorching again. So we had to hurry up and hopefully catch some fresh meat.

After my talk with Rick, we agreed to use knives, or any other silent weapons, more. I think he finally started realizing how dangerous it could be to use a gun at the wrong moment. I told him my ideas about watchtowers and patrolling. We also talked with Hershel about cattle and what he usually does with the animals during the winter. So we agreed that Daryl and I should hunt as much as we can until then. That way, we can stock the freezer and spare the cows for as long as we can.

Daryl and I were walking for a few hours already. He noticed tracks about half a mile south from the farm, and it looked like a family. One adult and two young ones. It would be good for us, but also way harder to put them down or even sneak upon them. I was walking first, something Daryl insisted on. Apparently, that way, he could cover my back and not worry about me doing something stupid. His face is stupid. I know how to hunt, and I thought we already established that, back at the quarry. But apparently not.

Rustling on my right made me stop and raise my hand. My bow was ready, and so was Daryl's crossbow. Trees were spread wider in this area, so it was easier to spot our pray.

I'm not sure if he saw what I did, so I moved closer to him, careful to not make any sound. It was a family, alright. But not fucking deers. Right there, about sixty yards away stood proud boar and three of its offspring.

Now, what you need to know is, boars have a very thick coating, so hunting it with a bow... not a great idea. Trying to take down a parent, it's seems nearly impossible. They're vicious when it comes to protecting their young. I did have my gun with a suppressor on, but it still was super risky. I looked around and quickly tried to assess the situation. I tapped Daryl on his arm and then motioned a tree closest to him.

"Can you climb it?" My voice was so quiet that for a second, I wasn't sure if he actually heard me. After a few seconds, he nodded, and I put my bow around me and took out my gun. It was crazy. I admit it. Even for me, of course, we could leave, but we didn't know if they'd hear us and then attack us. Or maybe somehow they'd follow us and then attack either way? And we needed meat and the hide also would be useful.

I took a deep breath and pointed my weapon at the adult animal.

"Go!" I shouted at this same time as I pulled the trigger twice. I was aiming at the heart and head; for a second, I thought I did it. But then the animal started charging, and my heart skipped a beat. I ran to the tree on my right and managed to get a footing on the lower branch and pull myself higher. Hopefully, away from the angry animal. Just as I was trying to sit, something hit the tree, and I nearly lost my balance. Grabbing the branch tighter and sat up, my back pressed to the bark, looking around for Daryl.

He sat awkwardly in the tree opposite me, and I sighed, relieved. The mother was pacing angrily bellow me, and the two young ones were surrounding something, back where they were. OK, so I did hit something.

"Get the young ones," I said, loudly enough for the hunter to hear me. Alrighty, I had to focus on the issue on the ground. We are not getting down, not until the parent is dead. But we also had a walker issue. The dead ones could show up at any time. Even with a suppressor, the gun still makes noise, and the last thing we needed was all that meat be spoiled by walkers.

I tried to aim from my current position, but the animal was frantic, not stopping even for a second. I need it here; looking around, I pulled at some leaves and then dropped them to the ground.

The boar came charging at the tree again, but this time I was ready. My tights were gripping the branch tightly, and when it was close enough, I shot at the boar. The third one finally was the headshot, and the body dropped to the ground. I looked around to check if Daryl got the other two, just as his bolt pierced the last one.

I leaned my head back, breathing heavily. Fucking hell, that was exciting and scary.

"El?" I heard his voice and saw that he already climbed down, and I did this same, putting my gun away first.

"You alright?" I asked him when I touched the ground and looked him up and down for any injuries. Which was stupid, he was safe in that tree, long before I was. But I couldn't stop myself. He gave me a sharp nod. His face went darker, and he strode to me, grabbing my arms. Not as hard as he did back when we were looking for Sophia, but it still put me on edge.

"What were ya thinkin', woman?!" His voice husky, this blue eyes staring right at my soul.

"I thought that we need the meat and that it's too dangerous to leave them alone, to catch up to us when we aren't ready. What would you do?" I slipped from his grip but didn't move. You can't scare me with your stern look, Dixon.

"Just-" His hands clenched into fists, but his look softened. "-is was reckless. I ain't want ya to die." We stared at each other for a moment, and I finally gave him a small smile.

"OK. We need to be quick. I take young ones, you take mother."

"Juvenile."

"What?"

"The young ones, they called juvenile."

"Alrighty, Big Guy." I smiled and took the rope out of my pack. I tied it tightly around the hoofs and turned back to him. "Daryl."

"What?"

"I can carry them, but I need you to put them on me first." Lifting and putting over your shoulder nearly two hundred pounds, not as easy when you're five foot three. He grunted something under his nose but came over regardless.

Daryl quickly lifted dead animals, and swang them over my shoulders. I huffed a little at that and adjusted them before nodding.

"Alrighty, let's go, before I collapse."

"El?" I stopped for a second and looked over my shoulder at him. "Yur really crazy."

"Daryl!"

Jurney back took us longer than I anticipated, but it was worth it. To see the faces of our group when they saw me first emerge from the woods, priceless. We used Daryl's camp to skin the animals and remove the insides, before taking the meat to the house. There, Lori, Carol, and Patricia would portion it. I told Daryl that I want to keep the hide and do something with it, so I asked Hershel to use a barn to clean it and then dry it.

I was thinking about what to do with it, exactly. Maybe a jacket or a vest? Well, first, I needed to clean it thoroughly. I pinned down all of them and started to scrape off any remnants of skin.

It was a long and tiring job. When I was happy and soaked the hide in the clean water, it was getting dark. I had to leave it overnight anyway, at least I think I do. I read a book about what to do with an animal skin once, but I never actually did it before. Well, we'll see.

Day 64

I was currently sitting on a chair next to Beth's bed, trying to do something about her mental health. Remember when I said that I wasn't that good as a psychologist? Yeah, I still volunteered, though, to talk to the young women. I was an excellent profiler, good at hacking sick minds and capturing them. Sitting down with a patient to tell me their story? Completely different. Even worse, when a said patient doesn't want to talk to you.

And yet here I am, with Beth on a bed, not even facing me.

"You can take all the time you want, sweety," I said softly, remembering my studies.

"I already told you, I don't wanna talk."

I sighed, but still plastered a smile on my face. "And it's fine, we can be quiet. But talking about how you feel would help."

"About how I feel?" Beth finally looked at me, anger radiating from every pore of her body. "I feel like my mom just died! I feel like the world finished! And I feel like I just wanna die, so I don't have to suffer like she did! How's that for therapy?"

"And how do you think your dad or Maggie will feel if you'd die?" I didn't change the tone of my voice, still low and empathetic. I hoped.

"My father thinks they are sick people, he's not taking it seriously. And Maggie is so wrapped with Glenn, that I doubt that she'd miss me much!"

"Hershel understands now, trust me. And for your sister, she would be devastated. Both of them would be. Dying is not a solution, it's just an easy way out."

"I wouldn't have to suffer or watch all of you die!"

"Yes, that's true. You also wouldn't have to watch all of us cry when we would find you. You wouldn't see you dad break down or your sister give up." I stopped for a second and tried to see her reactions. There was none, she was still angry, and was glaring at me as if I was the one that caused the apocalypse. "I lost my parents when I was twenty-six. They were murdered. I spent two years chasing the bastard who did this. I was so tangled in my anger and wish for revenge that I didn't want to grief."

I looked away, remembering the night when I completely broke down. After everything was settled after I left the hospital. "I had a gun pointed, right here." I tapped at my temple and smiled bitterly. "And then I realized how selfish I was, towards all the people who were still with me, who cared. And how my parents would be ashamed of me."

"Well, I'm not you. Just get out!" She said through gritted teeth and turned around to face away from me. I ran a hand over my face and quietly left the room.

I padded into the kitchen, hoping to grab some water before leaving for my watch shift. Maggie sat on one of the chairs, slowly peeling potatoes. I still was in awe that they had their own vegetables. She stood up quickly the moment she saw me.

"How is she?"

I shook my head and reached for a glass from the cabinet. "She's not dealing with it too well. Beth is furious at everything and everyone. And wants to die."

"What do I do?" Maggie asked, her voice was shaky, and she was sitting again, head in her hands.

"We need to show her that she got something to live for," I spoke after a moment. "But it will take time. Show her that you care for her. Try not to judge her for how she feels."

"Will you talk to her again?" Maggie asked. I nodded and started to go towards the door.

"Yeah, tomorrow, I'll try again."

I sat on top of the RV for the last two hours. People came and go, doing their daily routines. Lori and Carol were just hanging wet clothes on the line. Rick was talking to Hershel, bend over a map, trying to find the best place to drop Randall. Dale was napping inside of the vehicle, ready for his shift, and Daryl was back in the woods, this time with T-Dog. Rick still insisted on not letting us go without a backup. Glenn and Jimmy were patrolling together, the area where cattle was.

There was one person unaccounted for, and he just climbed up to sit next to me. I tried not to show how uneasy it made me, being alone with him. I sent a small smile and nodded.

"Can we talk?" Shane asked me, taking a spare chair next to me.

"Sure. What about?"

"Randall." Oh, that will be a great conversation. "You can't possibly agree with Rick on it."

I sighed and thought about how to answer him without unleashing crazy Shane. "I think you both are right."

"What that's supposed to mean?" He snarled, looking ahead.

"It means that I understand he can be a threat. Randall's a stranger, I get that." I said in a soft voice, trying not to provoke the man next to me. "But he's just a kid. He was left to die by his own group. We made sure he won't know where he is. His people won't be looking for him."

"But just sending him out, he could find his way back to his group or to us and bring them here."

"I know that. But there are people here who won't agree with just simply killing a kid. You know that too. We don't need to split our own group apart." I looked at him finally and saw that he was deep in thought. "Shane, you don't want your own people to be scared of you. Sometimes we have a choice, and that's what Rick's trying to do. To choose a better option in a very shitty situation."

He nodded and stood up, but his voice was cold, and I wasn't sure if anything I said actually reached him. "This is not a better option. It'll bite us in the ass, and I'll be here to remind y'all that Rick is not a good leader."

With that, he got back down and took off towards the house. I took a shaky breath and ran a hand through my face. I pushed some loose hair strands that escaped the plait. Shane was getting dangerous, and he certainly didn't agree with Rick's approach. Not to mention looks, he was giving Lori, every time he saw her. I know that most of us stopped trusting him, and some were even scared. We were slowly breaking as a group, and I was afraid of what it'll do to us.

"So what you doing now?" Carl sat next to me on the barn's floor, and we both had a piece of fur in front of us. I decided to use a big one for a vest, it can go over my jacket and help me keep warm during the winter. I was gonna do this same with the small ones, that one for Carl. That will be more difficult, we'll have to stitch together two pieces, and I wasn't a very crafty person, to begin with.

"We gonna use that," I showed him an electric shaver. "And we'll trim the hair. It will still keep us warm, but less annoying." I already treated the skin and cleaned it properly, to the best of my abilities. Plus, without proper products, it wasn't a masterpiece, but it will do.

"How do you know what to do?"

"I read a lot in my life."

"And you remember all of it?" He looked at me, clearly impressed.

"I do remember the majority of what I read, yes."

"That's really cool!" He was easily impressed, that's for sure.

"OK. I asked Carol to help us with stitching it up, but we need to hurry up with the trimming, kid." I took the razor and switched it on. I lay the hide on the pice of wood and pinned the corners. I already cut off the shape, it was the last stage before we had to go back to Carol. "You do this same with yours. Now watch how I'm doing it." The machine buzzed and vibrated in my hands, while I moved it over the boar's hair. When I was finished, I touched it and was happy with the results. I handed the shaver over to Carl and nodded at him.

"I don't wanna destroy it," He said, looking at me.

"You won't, kiddo. It's already set up, just do what I did, and you'll be good." He finally smiled at me and get to work, running the machine over the hair, gently, but without hesitation.

"OK. Now we gonna take those brushes, and get the excess hair out." I passed him one of the horse brushes and used mine.

"What now, Elena?" Carl looked at me when he finished with his hide, and I ruffled his head.

"We take those with us to the house and ask Carol nicely to finish it off."