Listening

"I thought that was the thing that made you have like… twelve personalities." Cassie said, lying in bed with Thea whilst Jude sat up on the arm chair.

"No that's like… split personality disorder." Thea nodded.

"Like that movie." Jude nodded, "It wasn't me, it was Patricia?" She questioned.

"Oh, yeah!" Cassie nodded, "That's a good movie." She said.

"I have no Patricia's inside me, don't worry." Thea shook her head.

"So it's like a… a mood disorder?" Jude asked, sitting on the chair with a blanket.

All three of them were in a pizza coma after eating way too much pizza and watching trashy movies. It gave Thea a chance to really talk to them about her diagnosis. It was strange thinking about it as part of her now. Being oblivious to it was easier but something about knowing now felt like she had all the answers.

"Yeah, I guess." Thea nodded, "He started telling me all the symptoms of it and I was like… wow, that's… that's me to a T." She said.

"Why have we never noticed, though?" Cassie shook her head, "I mean surely if someone has a mental illness, you recognise it."

"Well apparently BPD is hard to diagnose. Plus I just thought I was an addict. I guess everyone did." Thea shrugged, "It's not like Bipolar disorder where there's obvious mania episodes and stuff. BPD can hide in normal emotions… makes it harder to spot."

"Sounds like you've been reading up a lot about it." Jude looked over at her.

"Yeah, I have." Thea nodded, "It's like… I wish someone directed me to it years ago. Maybe things would be different."

"I mean… at least you know now." Cassie looked up at her, "Maybe it'll make your addictions easier to deal with. It's like you've found the source." She said as Thea nodded.

"Yeah, it feels like it." Thea nodded.

"So do you need medication for it?" Jude wondered.

"I can if it's something that helps me. I guess it's trial and error. I've to go to therapy every week, even when I'm out of here, not for my addiction but for the disorder." She nodded, "If medication is something I wanna try out then I can discuss it with Peter."

"Seems like he's really helping you." Jude nodded.

"He's listening to me, that's for sure." Thea said.

"So what's the symptoms?" Cassie wondered, "I mean… if none of us really noticed."

"Emotional instability." Thea said, "Abandonment issues. Alcohol and drug misuse. Depression. Promiscuity. Impulsive decisions. Anger outbursts." Thea nodded, "I had issues with all of that when I was eighteen. All of it." She said as Jude nodded, "And I still got issues with it."

"Why'd you never talk to us about it?" Jude asked, "If… if you felt stuff like that?"

"I just… I thought it was normal." Thea shrugged, "Or if I felt bad or something I'd just… I don't know, convince myself it was better not to talk about it." She said.

"It's never better not to talk about it." Cassie nudged her.

"Yeah, I know that." Thea assured her.

"How's Dominic dealing with it?" Jude asked.

"He's a little confused like everyone else but he's… he's been there for me." Thea nodded, "He's been talking to Peter a lot. I think he's doing his best to research about it. Bless him." Thea sighed as Jude smiled.

"I mean it… it doesn't mean you gotta live your life any different." Cassie said, "Right?"

"Hell no." Thea shook her head, "Just means I gotta… start acknowledging a lot of feelings that I… never did." She said.

"What's… the abandonment thing about?" Cassie was scared to ask.

"Dad." Jude answered for her as Cassie looked up at Thea.

"Is it?" Cassie asked.

"Yeah, a little bit." Thea said, "But… I realise now that I have it with everyone in my life. It's why I have no friends." She laughed a little with embarrassment.

"I just thought you didn't have friends cause you didn't like people." Jude admitted.

"Well that too." Thea nodded, "But… I don't know, it always scared me." She shrugged, "First friend I ever really made was… Jackson." She shook her head, rolling her eyes, "And that turned out great, didn't it?" She shook her head.

"Do you still feel like that now?" Cassie asked her as Thea nodded.

"Yeah." Thea said, "I still… I still think dad is gonna end up leaving again." She nodded to them.

"Really?" Jude shook her head.

"Yeah." Thea nodded, "And I never talked about it because I… I knew you guys wouldn't understand and I wouldn't wanna hurt dad because… it's like I'm saying I don't have faith in him but it's… it's more to do with me than it is him." She said.

"So you still think he's gonna go to prison again? Really?" Cassie asked as Thea nodded.

"Part of me does. Yeah." Thea nodded, "And I don't expect you guys to understand why I feel like that, it's just…"

"Part of the illness." Jude understood, "We can understand that." She nodded.

"How did mom and dad react when you told them?" Cassie asked.

"Like everyone else. They were shocked and… confused but… when I started talking to them about what the disorder is, I knew it was starting to make sense to them." Thea nodded, "And then they both hugged me for a really long time." She said.

Thea had told her family about her diagnosis throughout the week. It was hard trying to explain something like that to them all. It was hard telling them that this was something she was no doubt suffering with since she was a teenager. She knew it confused them and frustrated them that they couldn't see the symptoms clearer and earlier, but learning about the illness made it clear to her that it sometimes can't be easily spotted by others, especially when addiction is used to combat it.

"Do you think you'll be out of here in three weeks?" Jude asked.

"I don't know." Thea said, "I don't really feel ready, but maybe once it gets closer I will."

"Well you're better waiting until you feel ready." Jude nodded.

"Yeah, there's no rush." Cassie agreed as Thea nodded.

She was grateful for her family and the way they had handled hearing about her diagnosis. They made it feel like it wasn't such a big deal, and she was grateful for that. She was grateful to sit here with her sisters and be confident enough to talk with them about it, and not feel like they were judging her. They would always be her best friends.

"Punker?" Dean walked into AJ and Punk's house, holding a shirt.

"In here." Punk called from the living room as Dean walked in.

"Hey." Dean nodded.

"What's up?" Punk looked over at him.

"Just came by to drop your shirt off." Dean nodded to him.

"I can't believe you both still borrow each other's clothes." AJ shook her head.

"What you saying, Mendez?" Dean looked over at AJ who smiled at him, "What are you guys doing?" He asked, noticing them looking at the laptop in front of them on the coffee table.

"We're just trying to educate ourselves." AJ nodded, "I mean… my daughter tells me she has a mental illness and has probably had it said she was a teenager, and me, her own mother, never even noticed?" She shook her head, "What's the deal with that?" She asked them both as Punk just shook his head.

"Stop blaming yourself for not noticing." Punk said, "You heard Thea. It's a tricky one to spot and diagnose. Can get confused for just… depression and anxiety." He nodded.

"How has she been doing? I would have thought a mental illness diagnosis on top of being in rehab wouldn't be all that fun." Dean said worriedly.

"She's doing good, actually." Punk said as AJ nodded along, "Yeah, Jude and Cassie were having a sleepover with her tonight at the facility." He said.

"How's she dealing with finding out about this?" Dean asked.

"It's a mix, I guess." AJ said, "I think she's confused about it but… she also seems like… relived?" She wondered, "I mean there must have been so much she was holding in. if she really felt like this all this time."

"You know what one of the symptoms are?" Punk asked Dean.

"What?" Dean asked.

"Fear of abandonment." Punk nodded, "Maybe this did all start with me." He shook his head.

"Hey, no it did not." AJ nudged him angrily, "This is… no one's fault. A mental illness is a mental illness. Yeah, sometimes it can be circumstantial but sometimes people just… suffer from it."

"But does she still think I'm gonna leave?" He wondered.

"Well hey maybe this is a good thing. I know it… it doesn't feel like it but… if they're saying that this illness is why she uses alcohol and drugs then… if she finally gets treated for the illness it may help her addictions even more." Dean nodded, "It could be a positive."

"Yeah, it could." AJ nodded, trying to be positive.

"Well she said she's supposed to attend weekly therapy now, even when she gets out of rehab. Not for the addiction but for the…" He looked at the computer, "Borderline personality disorder." He said, "That's a damn mouthful."

"Yeah, Thea says that the psychologist is really wanting her to start acknowledging these feelings she gets, because with her ignoring them all this time, that's where the drinking and the drugs came into play." AJ nodded, "Really does make sense." She sighed to herself.

"Well hey, it's not… it's not the end of the world." Dean nodded, "It's not gonna make her live her life any different. In fact, knowing about it now will help her so much more and that's… that's all we want." Dean said as Punk and AJ nodded.

"I just wish we saw it years ago. Maybe it would have… prevented all of this." AJ sighed to herself.

"Well you can't look back." Dean said, "I think this was exactly what she needed. Now she can really start to help herself."

"Yeah." Punk nodded, "Did you need anything else?" He asked him.

"No, I was just dropping the shirt off." Dean told him, "Me and Ren are gonna visit Thea at the weekend so… tell her her favourite uncle is coming by." He smiled.

"We will." AJ smiled.

"Catch you guys later." Dean said, patting Punk on the back as he left the living room and headed on out.

"I mean I… I think her biggest thing is that she needs to open up now." AJ nodded to Punk. It had been a whirlwind of emotions since Thea had told them about her diagnosis. They were doing everything they could to learn about the illness as neither were very familiar with it at all. They just wanted to be there for her like always.

"Well with her going to therapy every week, she's not gonna have a choice." Punk said as AJ nodded.

"Jude can reassure her. She still goes to therapy." AJ nodded to Punk, "Dean's right, this could… this could really help her struggle with addiction. Maybe all this time it was so bad because… this was the real thing she needed help with." AJ said as he nodded.

"Makes you feel like a shitty parent, huh?" He sighed to himself. It was hard not to feel bad or guilty, "Two out of three of my kids go to therapy."

"Don't look at it like that." AJ shook her head, "I don't feel like a shitty parent and you shouldn't either." AJ said, "We just didn't know. It's nothing we can control. She's gonna get help now for it and that's… that's the important thing." She rubbed his leg.

"What if it all started when I went to prison? I'm her dad. She expected me to be around and… then I'm gone. That's done more damage to her than I… ever thought." He sighed to himself, running his hand through his hair.

"You can't blame yourself." AJ shook her head, "Yes, she struggled once you left because she missed you and… you two were close. But who's to say where this illness came from. There's not one reason for it." She said as Punk nodded.

"We just gotta be there for her." Punk said as AJ nodded.

"Of course." AJ said, "We have strong girls." She said as Punk nodded in agreement. They definitely did.