Chapter 21
fair warning: smut included in this chapter
The next morning, Derek and Emily both awoke from the alarm on his phone going off.
"Good morninnnggg.", Derek said in Emily's ear after turning it off. She grunted, eyes still closed, tired.
She rolled over and wrapped herself around him on their sides and hugged him. She rested her head on his bare chest and he brought his hand down to her bare ass.
"Uh uh. I'm way too tired for that. After all we did yesterday, I need a lot of caffeine to keep me awake.", she said.
He sighed and slid his hand back up and brought it to her face, making her eyes open and smile.
"You realize how cute you are when you wake up?", he said.
"So I've been told.", she giggled.
"I hope you're talking about me. I don't like the thought of somebody else calling you cute. You're my girl.", he said, smiling big, giving her a kiss.
Suddenly she felt guilty. The last guy who called her cute when she woke up, was Hotch. He'd heard her over the phone after waking up before and told her how cute it was and she missed that. And Derek calling her his girl, made her feel even worse, knowing that he had shared her recently without even knowing it.
Instead of replying, she gave him a kiss again and got out of bed fast, grabbing a large shirt from the ground and pulling it on.
"I'm gonna take a shower. I'll be out soon. Go ahead and start some breakfast.", she said.
He looked confused as she quickly left him in bed. "Did I say something wrong?", he asked her.
She just reached the door to the bathroom and turned around to walk back to him. She leaned over the bed and kissed him quick.
"No, of course not. I'm sorry. I just got a jolt of energy and really wanna get ready so we can leave early if that's alright.", she said looking at him, hoping he wasn't too hurt.
"Yeah... Yeah, alright. I just hope you know how much you mean to me. I want to be able to call you my girl. You really do mean a lot to me, Emily.", he told her, holding her face and looking in her eyes. "You make me so happy. I feel better when I'm with you and I can't believe how lucky I got with you.", he said.
She stared into his eyes and smiled.
"I know, babe. Me too.", she said, giving him one last kiss and heading to the bathroom.
While she was in the shower, she began to think about how Derek really did make her feel happy too.
Eventually her mind wandered to Hotch and how he made her feel more than just happy. She didn't know if it was good or bad. She knew there was not one word to use to explain it though.
But she knew she missed him and that he missed her too. But she regretted letting him know that the night before. She kept wondering if she hadn't brought it up or heard his response to part of it, maybe she wouldn't be thinking about him so much. But she also wondered what his response would have been to the last part she said if she hadn't walked out of his office after she said what she said.
She knew she had to stop thinking about him and decided a distraction might be a good idea.
She turned the shower off and got out, grabbing a towel. She opened the door.
"Hey babe, I need help with something.", she called out to Derek.
"Hold on.", he said as he walked upstairs and opened the bathroom, closing the door behind him once he saw her drop her towel.
"Oh.", he said, staring at her. "What can I do for you?", he asked, smirking.
"Actually...", she started as she walked towards him, "I was wondering what I could do for you.", she said, putting her hands on his chest. She ran them down as she got down on her knees and slid his boxers down.
"I think you have a pretty good idea, princess.", he chuckled.
She grabbed him in her hand and looked up at him, biting her lip, smiling. She stroked him twice before putting her mouth on his head and slid the rest of him in.
While she continued, he groaned and grabbed a fistful of her hair and helped her go at the pace he needed.
After a few minutes, he knew he wouldn't last much longer and needed to make her feel good too.
"That feels so good babe... but I need you.", he pulled her mouth off of him and brought her up to his level.
He grabbed her and kissed her as he pushed her up against the wall. Her hands were on his face as their tongues danced around with each other's.
He grabbed under her legs and lifted her up, still pressed against the wall and lowered her down just enough for her to sink down on him. Once he felt himself inside her, he moaned as she whimpered against his lips.
He held her steady as he started out slow, bending his knees to be able to slide in and out of her at an easy pace.
He pressed his lips against her collarbone, working his way down to her breast until one was in his mouth. While he sucked on it and played around with the other, she moaned softly.
Her hands were on the back of his neck and she eventually brought him up to her lips pressing them against his.
He was still moving slow and she knew they were short on time and the last thing she needed was Hotch getting angry for her and Derek both being late. Especially when she knew what he would suspect the reason was.
Derek supported her by holding her thighs and she wrapped her legs around started picking up the speed and made her pant. He pushed up into her harder and harder each time.
"Derek... oh... god you're so good oh my god!", she whimpered at the end.
"Ahh babe... you like it when I fuck you up against the wall, huh? Yeah?", he grunted. She couldn't even answer, she was trying to save her breath.
She brought one hand from his shoulder down to her clit and started moving her fingers around in a circle. She started moving her hips with his in reaction to it.
She was surprised at how fast she had gotten there but before she could even let him know, she was riding out her orgasm.
"Oh my goddd!", she screamed.
"Already?", he asked.
She grabbed onto his back tight and started moving with his rhythm to ride out the rest of her high and to help him along.
"I can't help it, I'm sorry.", she said. She knew she could go again especially since he wasn't done yet. He was still going at the same pace as before.
She went for a kiss but he pulled out of her and dropped her feet to the floor.
He grabbed her fast and pushed her against the sink.
With her arms laid over the sink and her backside facing him, he spread her legs and slammed into her. She gasped as he entered and immediately went for her hair. He wrapped it around his hand and tugged on it as he started bucking his hips. His other hand on her waist.
She could already feel herself tightening again but wanted him to go with her.
"Derek, harder! Fuck, Derek. I'm gonna come. Come with me, baby, oooo shit.", she moaned.
He growled, slamming into her harder and faster till he felt his release coming.
"Fuck, Emily... I'm gonna-", he couldn't finish his sentence. He reached his hand in front of her and helped her reach her point when she finally screamed and he followed right after.
Both breathing heavy after they finished, he grabbed her waist with both hands and pushed all the way into her one more time, releasing everything.
He finally pulled out and turned her around.
He grabbed her side with one hand and her face with the other and brought his lips to her for a passionate kiss.
Once he pulled back, she looked in his eyes and said, "I didn't finish my shower. I think we could both use one after that...", she bit her lip, smiling. He smiled at her and took her hand as they both got in the shower.
Once they were getting dressed, he looked over at her pulling her shirt on.
"Emily.", he said.
"Hm?", she asked, turning around to him walking over to her. He wrapped his arm around her and put his other on her face again.
"I just wanna say how much I love being with you... I mean, you're really the best I've ever had. Because you're not just some other girl I hooked up with. I care about you so much. I'm really falling hard for you. I've never felt this way before. I'm just so glad to be able to know I'm yours and you're mine and neither of us are just going to leave in the morning and never see each other again like all the rest. This is different. You're different.", he said, smiling.
"God, you always say the long, meaningful, sweet things and all I have to say is me too. I feel the same way, Derek. I really do. You came into my life at the right time I think. I'm so glad you're here... with me.", she said, rubbing her hands up and down his chest.
He pulled her in and gave her a sweet kiss on the forehead and looked back in her eyes.
"Let's go grab a coffee and bagel on our way to work, yeah?", he said.
"Sure", she said and nodded with a smile. He let go of her and went to grab his jacket.
"Alright, I'm ready, let's go.", he said. She grabbed her bag and they headed out to the car.
On their way to work, they grabbed coffee and bagels from a place a few blocks away from Emily's apartment.
As they were getting out of Derek's car, once they got to work, he gave her a kiss.
When they were walking inside, she turned to look at him and said, "You know, you're always over at my place... why don't you keep a change of clothes in a drawer there?", she asked. He looked over at her surprised. "Or not. I'm sorry that probably seemed like I was trying to take a step for moving in together, that's not at all what I meant it as. You're just over there all the time and I hate to-", she got cut off.
"Emily... I'd love a drawer. I think it's cute you want me to have one. I don't think it was some big step you were trying to take. It's just a drawer and it's practical for us, with how we have to leave all the time at the drop of a hat. So, yes.", he said and smiled at her.
They walked through the doors to the bullpen after getting off the elevator.
"Okay, well, let's clear some space for you tonight.", she said.
"Sounds great, babe.", he whispered.
As they set their stuff down, Derek looked all around the room. Emily laughed, "Derek, what are you doing?"
"What? Oh, nothing. I thought I saw a fly.", he said.
"In here?", she asked, teasing him.
"Yeah, well you know what, princess? Flies can get through doors and elevators and through more doors.", he said.
"Alright, whatever you say.", she laughed again, rolling her eyes.
Hotch walked out of his office and down the catwalk, he looked over. Emily and Derek were the only ones there so far.
"We got a case. Emily, can you go find the rest of everyone and bring them in here?", Hotch asked.
"Sure.", she said, starting to stand up.
Derek shot up and stopped her.
"It's alright, I got it.", he said, practically running to Garcia's office.
What the hell was that? And why did he go to Garcia's office? Was everyone in there and why did he know? She wondered.
She knew she had to go in the conference room and wait for everyone else to get there. But that also meant sitting and waiting with Hotch, which she was not so thrilled about doing.
She sat down in a chair at the table, close to the front of the room and he sat in one right next to her and pulled out the case files, looking them over.
She sat still, completely silent and looked at him out the corner of her eye.
She wondered why he sat down next to her. Out of all the places he could've chosen, he chose right next to her.
"I'm sorry.", he said. She looked over at him and he was still going through the file, he hadn't even looked up at all yet.
"W- what?", she asked, shocked.
"I'm sorry I didn't say anything... back to you last night.", he said.
"Aaron... I shouldn't ha-", she stopped herself and spun her chair around to face him.
He looked up and turned to her, giving her his full attention. She rested one arm on the table and the other in her lap as he did the same.
"Emily... I shouldn't have stayed silent and let you walk out that door. You said what you said and I should have too.", he told her, looking into her eyes. She felt a knot in her stomach.
"Aaron, I shouldn't have said that. That wasn't fair to you or... Derek.", she said.
He paused and stared at her with furrowed eyebrows but not angry.
"Is it true?", he asked, eyeing her. "Is that really how you feel?"
"I'm with Derek now.", she said.
"You said that at the end of the day that you're with him but I'm the one you're thinking about... Is that true? Is that how you really feel?", he asked her again.
"It doesn't matter how I feel...", she said quietly, looking down. He placed his hand on hers that was on the table and she looked at them before slowly bringing her head up.
"Emily... your feelings do matter... And I'm trying to talk to you about them.", he told her, rolling his chair closer to her. He took her hand that his was on and brought it down onto their laps once their knees were touching, facing each other. He leaned over and in slightly to her.
He grabbed her other hand with his free one so he was holding both. He squeezed them and ran his thumb over one, stroking it. She felt her body go numb.
He brought one to his lips and kissed it.
She looked up again when he did that. She didn't pull away even though she knew she should. She stared at him as he did that with the other. She hadn't forgotten how soft his lips were but it was still such a shock.
"Your hands are so cold, Em...", he whispered. He brought both of them together and held them as one in his hands. He stroked them, in hopes of warming them up.
He barely leaned down and placed his lips on her hands cupped together. He closed his eyes and held it for more than just a few seconds. He finally looked back up at her and her eyes were closed but a single tear was falling down her cheek. He took one of his hands away from hers and wiped the tear away.
As he did that, she rolled her lips in. He couldn't tell what she was trying to hold back. He returned his hand to where it was holding her before.
"Emily...", he whispered. She opened her eyes, now showing sadness.
"Aaron, I do miss you. I do think about you when I shouldn't and it does hurt... but I shouldn't have said anything about it.", she said.
"I shouldn't have let you walk away after you told me that... I heard everything you said to me; I didn't dismiss it... I was just shocked and I didn't know if I should've responded honestly or not.", he said.
"What do you mean?", she asked.
"If I told you the truth, I don't know... I just didn't know if it would've been the right thing to do.", he said.
"Tell me now...", she said quietly.
"Em...", he started.
"Aaron, I was vulnerable yesterday with you... You know you're the only one I feel like I can let my guard down with, whether I can control it or not, which to be honest, I don't feel like I can control it with you. You just bring that out in me... So please... tell me now. Be honest with me now.", she said, looking at him with soft yet pleading eyes.
He sighed and looked down. "Emily... I know it'll hurt us both if I'm honest.", he said, looking back up, making direct eye contact with her.
"Aaron.", she begged softly.
"Emily, I miss you everyday too. I think about you everyday too. And when I go home to my wife every night and fall asleep next to her... you're the one I'm thinking of too. So, you wanted to know what I wish I could have said to you last night... well there it is. You're the one who I want with me at night. You're the one that I want by my side everyday and want to hold close whenever I can... But I can't and it pains me, knowing that someone else gets to and that's not fair of me to say or feel for so many reasons, I know, but that is how I feel...", he said, staring deeper into her eyes, not breaking contact.
She took one of her hands from his and put it on his face, holding and stroking it. He still stared straight into her eyes, not moving at all.
She cocked her head and stayed looking at him, making a sad face. "I really hate this...", she said. "I hate seeing you like this..."
"Why is this so hard?", he asked, eyes looking down.
"Aaron... look at me.", she said. He brought his eyes back to her. "I don't know why... but you know how much I care about you, don't you?", she asked, bringing her hand from his face to the back of his head and neck, stroking it.
"Emily, I'm not just attracted to you, I don't just care about you... I have feelings for you. Real, actual feelings... I'm falling-", he started before she cut him off.
"Aaron. Please. Don't say what I know you're about to say. I can't...", she whispered, lowering her head and bringing her hand down to his shoulder and sliding it down his arm. He took a hand away from hers, leaving one still there, and lowered his forehead to touch hers. He moved his hand to tuck her hair behind her ear and hold it there on her face.
"Em... I can't pretend that's not how I feel. I can't lie to myself and say I'm not fall-", before he could finish what he was saying, she grabbed his face with her free hand and crashed her lips onto his.
It took him a second to process what was happening before he gave in and returned the kiss.
Her mouth parting, letting her tongue slide into his but keeping it passionate and slow. Steady and somewhat calm. She let out a quiet, almost sad whimper after the kiss got more intense. She ran her fingers through his hair and grabbed it.
After almost a minute, it hit her, what she was doing and she pulled away completely from him, still sitting just as close. She stared at him, her eyes wide, mouth dropped open a little. He stared right back at her with a look of shame and disappointment in himself, maybe even regret. She couldn't quite tell what it was.
Immediately, they heard the whole team talking with each other, coming towards the steps. Emily and Hotch both looked down and she tucked her hair behind her ear as she rolled her chair back and to the side more, away from him.
Without looking at her, he handed her a case file right before everyone walked in. She opened it and pretended to read it over and look at the crime scene photos in it.
"Sorry that took us so long, Hotch. I needed some of their help with something for Garcia.", JJ said.
He finally looked up at everyone. "No problem, let's just go over the case so we can head to the jet.", Hotch said, breathing in deep, trying not to be too obvious or loud when he exhaled.
Derek walked in behind JJ along with everyone else. He looked over at Emily and noticed Hotch took the spot next to her. He was upset he couldn't sit next to her but mainly upset that something seemed off with her. She wasn't looking up at all, her facial expression was hard to read but definitely not a happy one and Hotch was acting off too.
He wondered if they'd gotten into another disagreement. But he also thought of the thing that Emily told him that she could only talk to Hotch about before. He hated the thought of that but decided to wait till later to bring anything up about it.
After JJ briefed them on the case, Hotch said, "Alright, wheels up in 20." He and Emily folded their case files and only their eyes glanced over at each other before they stood up at the same time.
Emily walked down to all their desks to gather her things and walked over to JJ and Derek, whose desks were right next to each other's.
"Hey, so what were you guys doing in Garcia's office earlier?", Emily asked them. Derek walked over to her and JJ and put his arm around her shoulder playfully like he always did in front of the team so it didn't seem weird to them.
"Don't you worry your little head about it, princess.", he teased and winked at JJ. Derek kept his arm around her and said, "Come on JJ, you wanna ride with us?", he asked.
"Sure, why not.", she said grabbing her things.
They all started walking away and through the doors to the elevator.
While they waited for it to open, Hotch walked up with his briefcase.
Emily looked over her shoulder at him and felt a lump in her throat as she noticed the way he looked at Derek's arm slung over her shoulder. She let a guilty and disappointed look pass her face when she made contact with Hotch. Her eyes wandered down before she turned back around. Hotch walked over and stood next to JJ so it wasn't weird between him and Emily after that exchange.
Once they got on the jet, Emily sat across from Derek. The whole time Hotch was going over the case, he tried hard not to look at Derek and Emily too much. It was killing him, knowing what they had just done. He knew they both felt guilty and knew they couldn't keep coming back to each other like that.
How were they supposed to set boundaries when they're always around each other and told each other they can always come to the other if they need it? He wondered.
He decided to talk to her later and work things out. They needed to talk about what happened between them in the conference room earlier. He just didn't know what he was going to say.