Chapter 19

The afternoon sun brought with it a comfortable warmth, complemented perfectly with a calm breeze that carried with it a trace of sulfur and brine. The skies were cerulean blue without a single cloud in sight. And the water sparkled like jewels on the finest crown, small fish racing in the wake giving it life.

It was all beautiful and perfect, like one of those fancy Orlesian paintings, and 'Rhen couldn't find it in him to give a single fuck. He sat in the mainmast's shadow, contemplating the events of the previous night. Or at least trying to. Where memories should have been, 'Rhen found only darkness. Nothing. As if the whole thing was wiped from his mind. The only thing that remained was a sense of foreboding.

Something had happened, that was indisputable. 'Rhen had awoken some time ago in a bed that was not his own with Dorian next to him and no recollection of how or why he got there. He also discovered that he had returned the birthright and to his dismay, the key was no longer with it.

For the better part of the morning, 'Rhen raced around the ship searching for it, shaking down anyone who so much as glanced at him. Some must have complained because the ship's captain later approached him and asked him to stop harassing his passengers and crew. So, he returned to his own cabin, ransacking it from top to bottom. But all he found was a small note written in his own barely legible handwriting, a half vial of lyrium, and a steeping cloth of - he brought it up to his nose and smelled it - dried elfroot leaves and crushed blood lotus seeds.

Can't sleep. Nightmares. Went walking. Don't take the lyrium.

That only answered part of the question. 'Rhen downed the lyrium to still the shakes and stave off the chill in his bones, hoping it would return some of his memories as it had the last time.

But his efforts ended in futility and his mind remained ever so stubbornly blank. Elbows propped on his knees, 'Rhen wrapped his hands around the back of his head and groaned. The only other person who would have answers was Dorian.

He scowled and glanced in the direction where Dorian was having a rather heated discussion with one of the Inquisition soldiers. 'Rhen watched with troubled curiosity, contemplating whether to approach them, when Dorian turned to him and waved for him to stay put. No escaping that conversation now. He let out a deep sigh and leaned back against the mast.

"There you are," Dorian voiced above him. "You disappeared this morning. I was worried."

"Worried?" 'Rhen looked up. "About me? Where would I go? Unfortunately for all of us, Andraste did not bless me with the ability to walk on water. At least not that I know of."

Dorian's brows shot up to his hairline.

"A jest? From the Inquisitor? You must be feeling better."

"You would know." 'Rhen quipped, searching Dorian's face for any indication of his statement's validity. He was met only with a questioning expression.

"You wouldn't?"

Not exactly the answer he was looking for. 'Rhen dropped his gaze and slowly breathed in and out as Dorian found a seat next to him at a respectable distance. Beautiful, perfect Dorian. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but there was a shift in their dynamic.

The way 'Rhen felt hadn't changed.

The way Dorian looked at him did. It was subtle, softer, but with a hardness around the edges. His movements were more cautious, too, made with calculated precision and care. 'Rhen had attributed it to their increasingly contentious relationship. But if that was the case, why would they share a bed? He suspected Dorian knew exactly what happened last night and, for one reason or another, was refusing to tell him.

"Truthfully, I don't remember," 'Rhen said, rubbing the stiffness out of his neck.

"Anything?"

He shook his head and handed Dorian his note. "I was hoping you could fill me in."

Dorian took a moment to read it, likely trying to decipher the handwriting, before returning his attention to 'Rhen.

"This happens often?"

'Rhen ground his teeth, deciding just how much he was willing to tell Dorian and wondering how much he already knew, annoyingly perceptive as he was.

"I can't help you if you don't tell me," Dorian prodded and 'Rhen grimaced. Really annoying.

"More so lately," he finally admitted, feeling deflated. He felt exhausted despite having gotten the best sleep he'd had in ages. "Though this is the first time it's been this bad," he added hastily, noting the growing concern on Dorian's face.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

'Rhen raised his brow at him. "Oh? My apologies. I didn't realize we were married."

Dorian leveled a flat stare at him in return.

"Truly, Inquisitor. Your level of humor today is quite inspiring."

"What can I say. You bring it out in me."

Dorian paused at that, a shadow crossing his face, and 'Rhen frowned. Not the response he expected. What in the Blights happened last night? He waited for Dorian to say something, but when it became apparent that no words were forthcoming, 'Rhen sighed and stood up.

"My memory's always been bad," he said, looking out to the distant horizon and stretching his arms outward as if to touch it. "So, when I learned how to read and write, I got into the habit of writing things down. Evelline taught me-" He squeezed his eyes shut, rubbing his brow. The harsh reality was catching up to him. For quite some time now, Evelline had been fading from his memory. Little by little, bits of her vanished, never to be recovered.

Her name slipped from memory first. 'Rhen woke up one morning and couldn't remember it. He had frantically searched through every letter, every note, every scrap of paper for mention of it. Her name eventually revealed itself in a letter 'Rhen had failed to send all those months ago. He had been carrying it with him ever since.

Then, her features started to disappear. That, he could do nothing about. When he tried to recall her face, it was blurry. Eventually, it was blank, lost to him for good. He thought he at least had her voice left, its melodic resonance a reminder of home and comfort and everything that was still good in this world. But in time, that too faded. Now 'Rhen was left with only a name, faceless memories, and mi'nas'sal'in. A deep ache that not even lyrium addiction could touch with its cold, unfeeling fingers.

"I need you to tell me what happened last night."

The silence stretched between them for what felt like an eternity until Dorian finally spoke, face turned away.

"Nothing. I found you in the saloon, passed out, and carried you to bed. When I awoke, you were gone. That's it."

'Rhen frowned. For as long as they had known each other, Dorian had never lied to him. It was a quality he appreciated in all his companions. Yes, they had done the dance of half truths and omissions, but never straight up lies. He turned to face Dorian who met his gaze briefly before averting his eyes, confirming 'Rhen's suspicion.

Fenedhis… He broke out in cold sweat, remembering that he had awoken in Dorian's bed, shirtless. Had he done it again? What else would encourage lies?

"You don't need to spare me from my own feelings. I need the truth."

"Hah. The truth," Dorian echoed darkly. "The Maker does have a sense of humor."

"Dorian."

"Fine, fine," Dorian threw up his arms in defeat and sighed. "I found you wandering the deck last night and we… We argued."

'Rhen's frown deepened. He had done it again.

"Argued? About what," he asked warily, dreading the answer.

"What else?" Dorian pulled out the birthright. Even in the shade, its brilliance was difficult to hide. "I admit I was upset and may have overreacted."

That couldn't be all of it. It wouldn't make sense for Dorian to lie about something so… trivial.

"What aren't you telling me?"

"Perceptive today, aren't we," Dorian said wryly before his expression turned serious. "Are you certain you wish to know?"

"Wouldn't you?"

"Fair enough. Though, perhaps we should find somewhere more private to talk."

'Rhen lay on his bed, one arm draped over his eyes, feeling the motion of the ship and breathing in time with the swells. His nerves were completely frayed and it was all he could do to stay grounded as Dorian's voice floated above him, recounting the events of last night. 'Rhen's outburst and confession, his nightmares, his fears, his visions of the future. His complete and total mental breakdown. At some point, 'Rhen stopped listening. He had heard enough to know it was far worse than he'd feared.

Even if you win, you'll still lose.

Until now, 'Rhen had managed to contain his mess, and it was easy to deny that there was a problem. He had played fast and loose, ignoring the consequences. Now they've caught up with him. For hours to go missing just like that, and to have Dorian dragged into it, as well? 'Rhen had intentionally kept him at a distance, for both their sakes, because deep down he knew this path would only lead to perdition. Last night, though, he had unwittingly opened the door and pulled him in.

A sinister laughter echoed in his head.

Tick tock, Inquisitor. Can you feel that? The inevitable is upon you!

"There was one other thing," Dorian's voice pulled him back to the present. 'Rhen flinched, biting down hard on his lower lip. Here it comes, he thought, the final nail in his coffin. "You said I am all you have left. I hope you know that isn't true."

'Rhen's eyes flew open to see Dorian sitting down beside him on the edge of the bed, hand reaching out to sweep a stray hair from 'Rhen's face. His breath froze in his lungs.

He was seeing Dorian for the first time and something stirred within him, something he wasn't aware of until now. The entire world fell away and before 'Rhen could stop himself, he caught Dorian's hand in his own and pressed his cheek into his palm, shutting his eyes against the cold reality. The warmth surged through him, igniting that something in the depths of his heart. Something so terrifying, yet so yearningly familiar. It hurt and soothed in equal measure.

"You're all I want." The words, barely a whisper, slipped from his tongue like a silk handkerchief. 'Rhen wasn't sure if Dorian heard him, and he didn't dare look to confirm. He willed himself to be selfish in this moment, turning his face to press a soft kiss into the warm flesh. He held it with bated breath, waiting for Dorian to pull away, for the guilt to shatter this tiny bit of joy he had allowed himself, but it never came. No voices sibilated of darker things to come, no thoughts cast doubts. The moment was his and his alone, and that was beautiful and perfect and overwhelming in the best possible sense.

But as with all good things, it had to end. 'Rhen cleared his throat and relinquished Dorian's hand before the moment swept him under its current.

"I know I'm not alone," he said loud enough for Dorian to hear. "But, sometimes, knowing is not enough." His hands pressed against his ears and 'Rhen grimaced as the whispers in the back of his mind returned. He drew in a shaky breath and slowly let it out, turning to face Dorian. "I'm sorry for last night. I know it couldn't have been easy. Especially after everything I've put you through-" 'Rhen gasped and his breath caught in his throat as Dorian leaned in over him, one hand digging into the sheets beside his head, while faintly tracing the vallaslin with the thumb of the other. The touch set his blood aflame and when Dorian's thumb brushed over his lower lip along the path of the small scar that trailed down his chin, 'Rhen found himself leaning into it. His mouth parted in subconscious anticipation, but it was his forehead that received the light touch of a kiss.

It was so ephemeral 'Rhen would have thought he had imagined it if it wasn't for his racing heart and the lingering warmth of a breath on his skin. The next kiss alighted on the tip of his nose, sending shivers down his spine, then the corners of his mouth before 'Rhen propped himself up on his elbow, drawn in by invisible strings to close the distance between them. It wasn't passion or desire that drove him. It was a feeling 'Rhen was entirely unfamiliar with. A tenderness that he never thought he could, or would, ever feel and he let himself be lost within it. In that moment, despite still feeling like he didn't deserve something so perfect, he found himself willing to finally accept that he could never give this up and it was foolish of him to even consider it. Dorian was woven into the very fabric of his life and to excise him was unthinkable. 'Rhen knew this would all end in pain and heartbreak, moreso for Dorian, but with their mouths pressed together, that future was only a distant possibility.

"I'm sorry it had to come to that," Dorian murmured, resting his forehead against 'Rhen's, fingers tangled in his hair. "Let me be there for you."

'Rhen squeezed his eyes shut, biting back the sting of tears. If he could freeze this moment and bottle it up for safekeeping, he would.

"I'll… try," he said, and he meant it.

Dorian's eyes creased at the corners with a smile, but it was tinged with sadness and despite Dorian's best efforts to hide it, 'Rhen sensed that there was more to what happened last night than what he had been told. Whatever it was though, he had to trust that Dorian would tell him when he was ready. Until then, he was content with just being here. For the first time in a long while, 'Rhen felt like he could breathe again. He had dared to defy his fears and the world did not end, the sky did not collapse, and he was still alive. If there was a different path to their end, he would find it, if only to give Dorian what he deserved.