2008
This was bullocks. Absolute horse shit. Anthony found the whole situation completely detestable. Here he was living his everyday life around a campus he didn't know, all without Ezra. And for what? So that in a couple years, when he reaches some arbitrary age of maturity he can gain money that had been hanging over his head for as long as he had an understanding of what it all meant? So he could maybe get a piece of paper that might give him some more credit with people. He knew what was expected, and he didn't want that, so why was he bending to the whim of a man he hated?
And why in the bloody hell had he never noticed that Ezra was his entire social circle?
Yeah, he dated, and those people became a part of his life while they were around. And of course he spent time with them when they were with him, but they weren't his friends, not really, and not after they broke up. He knew people, he liked them, but he wasn't close to anyone but Ezra.
Maybe Eliza, but she wasn't close enough to where he was to count.
"I miss you," Anthony lamented over the webcam, watching Ezra grade things.
"I miss you, too, dear." Ezra replied, glancing up. "It's not quite the same without you."
"Yeah," Anthony sighed. "Should've spent more time with you over the summer."
"In what way could we have possibly spent more time together?" Ezra asked, amused. "We were practically joined at the hip."
"Yeah, well, didn't want things with Oscar to… you know. Be weird." Anthony pouted.
He was there when Ezra first saw his ex for the first time. It had felt heavy in a way neither Anthony nor Eliza knew how to deal with. They'd been in a local pub back in their hometown, out celebrating Deidre's engagement to a bloke named Arthur she'd met while away at Uni. And there, across the way, had been Oscar with his friends. And he was staring. Of course he was, because Ezra hadn't looked nearly as miserable as Oscar did, and he was being just as physically affectionate with Anthony as he'd always been.
Which was another thing to lament: nothing changed. Nothing. Nada.
Anthony had been single when Ezra and Oscar split, and he was at Ezra's side as much as he could possibly be. But in the end, he was a bit of a coward, and Ezra felt out of reach. Like they really were some sort of angel and demon who weren't supposed to be together despite how much he wanted. He'd thought of just kissing Ezra so many times in the days before they left Oxford together for the final time, and even on occasion at the Fells, where it seemed it was really the only safe place for him to think like that. But the moment would pass, or there would be some sort of interruption, and the shift never happened.
But there were still moments when Ezra looked at him like he was something so much more than a friend. At least he thought there was, he could just be projecting.
"Oscar and I haven't spoken to each other." Ezra reminded him. "And while seeing one another is hard, it's hardly like there's anything different for it to be weird. Except, of course, that now we've dated, and have been physically intimate, waited four yeas to say what we felt, and having it end with a rejected marriage proposal." He paused, eyes darting about the room before looking back into the camera. "Not anything weird at all. From my understanding it's the modern romance, merely stretched out over years instead of months."
"Angel, are you being cynical?" Anthony asked with a smirk.
"What on Earth do I have to be cynical about?" Ezra asked, a furrow in his brow. "Except, perhaps, the horridness of these first essays. I mean, really. I knew when I became a TA it would likely lead to reading some terrible pieces of writing, especially from first years, but this truly exceeds my expectations. Who taught these people?"
"Maybe you should be a teacher." Anthony shrugged. "That way at least one group of first years will have better standards."
Ezra humphed. "You know if I can get by doing academia I will." He retorted primly.
"Of course," Anthony said, glancing at his work load and sighing. "Stay on while I do some work?"
"Of course." Ezra agreed in what Anthony wanted to call lovingly.
And damn it all did Anthony miss him.
He really needed to make some friends.
"I'm renting you a flat not far from the school," James said as Anthony passed him on the way to get his jacket and shoes.
"Sorry, what?" He paused, looking over his shoulder at his James, frowning.
"A flat. For you to live in. Don't get too excited, just a little studio." James waved it off as if it wasn't a big deal.
But it was. It was a very big deal. For one, the very few friends he made (which were really more like acquaintances) were on campus. For another, it would mean needing to get up just that much earlier in order to get to class on time.
"I don't want a flat." Anthony said simply, but already figuring out that it wasn't up for debate.
"And I don't want you fucking around with nancies," James shot back with a touch of a sneer. "Don't think I don't know who you've been hanging around with."
"And how's a flat away from the school going to help with that?" Anthony asked, setting his bag of gifts for the Fells down on the entryway console table to start getting his stuff on.
"Because my intern is the one who told me it was available." James said casually. "Thin walls, he says. And the flat next to his had opened up."
Anthony shook his head and scoffed. "What the hell is the big deal if I sleep with a man anyway? What's it to you?"
"What's it to me?" James demanded. "You're my son, you carry my family name. A long, proud line of Crowley men who are not to be trifled with. Who the hell would take you seriously if it's thought you could make a deal on your damn knees?"
"Okay," Anthony said, moving a few feet closer to James. "Who even says I'm going to go on and do your whole trading shit or whatever? Huh? What if I want to open my own business, deal with the real grit of it?"
James held his eye a moment. "Suppose I can't be surprised, but at least doing things my way, when you do fail, you have something to fall back on." When Anthony turned to head back and grab the stuff, James asked, "Where are you going?"
"To the Fells. They invited me for Christmas eve." Anthony said as he adjusted the scarf.
"That poof-"
"Ezra. His name is Ezra. And I'm chummy with his sister, too." He said as he grabbed the bag and headed out the door.
Anthony took a moment to stand on the doorstep to just breath.
He'd been hanging around with some of the few people he knew were like or similar minded to him, but he was still keeping himself single. He wasn't seeing anyone, he'd been keeping his trousers on. But apparently, somehow, that wasn't enough for the self-important James Crowley.
Long line of Crowley me indeed.
Sighing, Anthony headed off on foot to the Fells, where he knew mulled wine and little savory treats awaited him. That, and the feeling of warmth that a real family would bring.
It had started to snow by the time he made it to their front door, where he was told long ago to just knock and go in. He brushed his hair off in the doorway, setting down the bag and shedding his outerwear.
"That you, Anthony?" Cynthia called, and he smiled.
"Yeah, just me." He said as he picked up the bag and headed into the kitchen where she was ladling out some drinks. Far more than the normal four she would. "Party tonight?"
"Yes," She said. "I had invited a few of the single, or more lonely colleagues of mine here for the evening." She grinned. "Ezra should be around somewhere, dear."
"Thanks." He said before reaching into the bag and pulling out a nice tea set he thought she might like. "Happy Christmas." He said as he set it down for her.
"Oh, you didn't have to get me anything." She said a smile that showed how touched she was.
"I know, but." He shrugged, not sure what to say.
Cynthia gave him a one armed hug and sent him on his way with two cups of wine.
He followed the sound of lightly playing Christmas music to the living room, but by the looks of things there was no Ezra or Eliza to be seen. He then headed down the hall glancing in Eliza's room, though the lights were off. And then he heard the muffled sound of hushed conversation coming from Ezra's.
He went up to the door slowly, his excuse being him not wanting to spill the wine if he was noticed.
"…Can't, Eliza. It… it feels too soon."
"It's been months, Ez." Eliza responded. "And I know you two reached out, and there was a talk of getting back together."
"It never would have worked." Ezra responded before Anthony's heart took a nose dive to his gut. "Oscar knew, but… Oh, Eliza, I simply can't. What if-"
Anthony bumped the door trying to lean in closer, and went with it, pretending as quick as he could that he hadn't been eavesdropping.
"Oh, shit. I mean, happy Christmas." He said when Eliza scowled at him.
"I'm guessing one of those isn't for me." She said, gesturing to the wine.
"Ah, no. But!" Anthony said, extracting one finger to get her to wait before handing Ezra one of the two glasses. Anthony then maneuvered his hand to let go of one strap of the gift bag, reaching in and pulling out a half-sized bottle of wine. "This shit is expensive, so don't go wasting it all on a bender."
Eliza gasped, getting up from where she had been perched on Ezra's bed and taking the bottle up like it was an ancient relic of great power. "I almost like you," She said before getting on her toes and kissing his cheek.
"You adore me." Anthony glowered as she practically skipped out of the room.
"No one can know, though!" She added before ducking into her bedroom, her voice fading off as she did.
Anthony smiled and looked at Ezra, and the heavy reality that this was the first time they'd seen each other physically since the summer suddenly hit him.
Ezra beamed, getting to his feet as he set down the glass of mulled wine. He then took the second one out of Anthony's hand, placing it next to his on the desk, and then wrapped his arms around Anthony's neck.
"Happy Christmas," He gushed into Anthony's neck as the ginger wrapped his own arms tight around the blonde.
"Happy Christmas, angel." He said as he rocked them back and forth a little. "Got you something."
"And I, you." Ezra said as he stepped back, going around his bed to his night stand and opening the drawer. He pulled out a bottle of a very scotch that Anthony had enjoyed very much when Ezra had brought it down from Scotland.
"How did you… from the distillery?" He asked, slowly sitting down on Ezra's bed and holding the bottle reverently.
"It is." Ezra beamed, getting their wine glasses and moving them to the night stand to be more easily reached. "I admit, I've had it for almost a year. I nearly gave it to you for your birthday, but then that gorgeous plant caught my eye and I thought… the scotch will hold."
"It will." Anthony smiled. Then it fell. "Oh, my present to you looks so cheap now."
"It's the thought that counts, you know." Ezra reminded him.
"Yeah, but… you don't… it's going to be terribly lame."
"I'll still love it."
Anthony groaned, thrusting the gift bag in Ezra's direction.
The first thing Ezra took out was, of course, the book.
" Fool ," Ezra read the cover. "What's it about? Do you know?"
"It's about the fool from Lear. A different spin on it. It's taking the tragedy and turning it into a comedy, okay." Anthony had said.
"So, the author defiled Shakespeare." Ezra asked skeptically.
"No, the author improved Shakespeare. We need to laugh more. You'll like it angel, promise."
Ezra snickered, setting the book reverently aside, then delving back in the bag.
Anthony had gotten him wine and tea as well, of course, but there was a little added something that Anthony couldn't have left in the gift shop if he wanted to. It was just too perfect, too Ezra.
"Oh," Ezra cooed, and Anthony glanced at him, seeing he'd found the white mug with angel wings as a handle. "Oh my dear, I adore it." He said with a smile that lit up his eyes.
"Yeah? Not too… on the nose or anything?" He asked, uncertain.
"No, it's perfect." Ezra assured, reaching across and squeezing Anthony's arm.
They held each other's gaze for far too long for it to be friendly, and Anthony found he couldn't keep his mouth shut over what he heard outside the door.
"Oscar wants to get back together?" He asked, gesturing for the wine on the nightstand.
Ezra grabbed both of them, handing one to Anthony.
"We ran into each other when I got back a few days ago." Ezra explained. "He asked if I was free for lunch, and I was, so I agreed. It went lovely, of course, because it always had. But, I realized that nothing changed for me. I … love him. But it struck me quite intensely that I wasn't in love with him, and I don't think I ever was. He asked if we could, perhaps, try again, and I… I don't think it's a good idea. But, in true Oscar fashion, he wants me to think on it for a few days."
"So… you're not going to, then?" Anthony asked before taking a sip of the wine.
"No," Ezra said. "No, I'm quite sure that I should, perhaps, not see anyone for a bit. Frankly with the TA position, and my own school work, I really don't have the time. I can barely socialize with Gabriel without it being a hassle."
"Bet he's sad." Anthony snickered.
"Well, dear, he's, um, heard of how we have hung about and he's quite keen on just being present while I do my work when term starts again."
"So, I get to see Gabe's lovely face with yours." Anthony added. "That's, of course, if the Internet isn't going to be complete shit in my new flat."
"Oh, you're getting a flat!" Ezra perked up.
"Not by choice." Anthony grumbled. "Dad's forcing it. I get to be babysat by a bloke whose whole purpose is to lick his shoes and do his bidding. So, I'll be having no one over ever, and will have to be terribly careful of how long I'm away."
"I'm sorry, dear." Ezra said softly. "He's really…."
"He really doesn't want me to be me, is what it is." Anthony said bitterly. "But, 'nough 'bout that. Really don't want to see… anyone? Like, no dating?"
"No," Ezra said firmly. "I," he paused, glancing at Anthony fleetingly. "I want," he deflated a little, somehow. "I want to focus on school. I can't do that if I allow myself to … mingle."
"Won't you miss sex?" Anthony whispered conspiratorially. "Even just a little?"
Ezra giggled, blushing a little. "I will miss the intimacy. But I won't miss sex for the pleasure of it."
"I do." Anthony replied.
Ezra frowned. "But, how? Don't you… don' t you… mingle?"
"Why the euphemisms?" Anthony laughed.
"I find myself feeling awkward and flustered about it." Ezra admitted. "I've had one boyfriend, one partner since I was seventeen. I hadn't realized it left me a bit stunted until recently. I can talk about sex, of course, and the fact that I have previously engaged in it. But for some reason dating… and … that … with someone else. I don't know. I suppose I'm being a bit modest in my own way. We both know I'm a bit of an old silly."
"You're a bit of something alright." Anthony smirked. "And, yes, I 'mingle', but I haven't been for a while. No one of interest." He lied, looking at the most interesting person he knew.
"I know what you mean," Ezra said, eyes darting about Anthony's face in a pleasant way. "Well, mum is going to be hosting, and Eliza is going to be talking to her boyfriend. This one, you may be interested to know, has lasted a full three months."
"Oh, who is it?" Anthony asked.
"I never met him, unfortunately. He seems charming enough, though from what I've heard."
"Well, that's one of us things are going well for, then. So, what do you propose?" Anthony asked, scooting up the bed to sit beside Ezra.
He smiled shyly. "I've missed our movie nights horribly. Would you be terribly opposed to a Christmas film, held up in here while my mother's party is ongoing?"
"Love to." Anthony agreed readily, basking in the joy in Ezra's eyes as he retrieved his laptop for them to watch the movie on.
2009
~A~
He was beginning to wonder if it even happened.
It had been a month since that night, Deidre and Arthur having a housewarming for the small but lovely home they rented just outside London. Ezra had made the special trip out, for while Diedre wasn't a close friend, she had been around his entire teenage life. What's more, she'd extended the invitation to not just him, but Anthony, too.
There had been alcohol, of course, there usually always was. It somehow came up during all the conversation and what not that Ezra hadn't seen anyone romantically since Oscar, and he was keeping it that way. Apparently going nearly a year without any sort of romantic affection was going to do some damage to him in some way.
"I dare you to kiss someone. Just get a good snog in." Eliza had dared him after far too much to drink.
"I can't just kiss a stranger." He'd protested.
"Fine, kiss Anthony." Eliza had challenged, calm as possible. "Doesn't have to be a long one, just kiss him real quick on the lips before you forget how it works." She had continued, and soon Deidre was getting in on it. And someone else, one of Arthur's friends, maybe? He was surer, but he caved and had given Anthony a peck before deciding his wine needed a top off.
Ezra had gone into the kitchen, and had tried to make himself calm, when he felt hands on his waist, turning him around. He hadn't needed to know whose hands they were, he was familiar enough with them. What he hadn't expected was to feel them move to his face, holding him there when lips he only briefly got acquainted with were suddenly devouring his own.
It had been….
Oh, it was so much better than Ezra had imagined. Dreamed. Than Oscar.
He shouldn't make those sorts of comparisons, he knew that, but while Oscar was always nice, always pleasant, Anthony had made him feel things.
And then someone popped in the kitchen long enough to snag a bottle off the nearest counter, and that was that. Anthony turned around and walked out shortly after as if nothing at all happened.
Maybe it didn't?
Eliza had always threatened to sneak him some special baked good when he least expected it. Perhaps it had happened then, and he hallucinated the whole thing.
Because Ezra would have thought that Anthony would want to talk about it.
Or, which was something that felt worse than an overactive imagination, Anthony didn't remember.
And how could he possibly bring it up? What was Ezra going to possibly say? "I like what you did with the plant arrangement by the window, also, do you remember when you snogged me senseless at Deidre's, because I would like for it to happen again?" No, he wasn't going to say that.
Especially when Anthony's extremely vigilant (nosy) neighbor could overhear them. Anthony's father hadn't lied to him when he said the walls were thin, Anthony had called him angel once over the call, and the next day the intern warned him he'd heard him. He'd let it go, of course, but his job was on the line, and the nickname would be something James would want to hear about.
He really missed being called angel.
In the meantime, he would continue replaying the snog in his head.
The awful taste of what Anthony had been eating paired with the delicious scent of him. How his lips were just slightly chapped, and how Anthony's touch was reverent in contrast to how utterly voracious his lips were. The feel of Anthony's back muscles as they played beneath Ezra's fingers, the way he could feel Anthony's heart pound in his chest. How hips were pressed together in just such a way that-
"Ezra!"
He startled out of the memory, very grateful for the table he'd been sitting at. It had been a nice day, after all, and the prospect of grading outside had been too tempting. He just happened to get very, very distracted.
He looked up at Gabriel who was grinning wide, chuckling at him. "Sorry, you were just," he made a face, something that Ezra assumed meant he'd been quite out of it.
He blushed. "It's fine." He grinned awkwardly. "So, to what do I owe the pleasure?"
"Well, there's a party Saturday night," Gabriel began, but Ezra was immediately shaking his head.
"No, you know I can't. Saturday night is when Anthony and I are both free and there's less of a chance of his neighbor overhearing every detail of our conversation."
"Yeah, no, that's… no big deal. How about Sunday? We could… get coffee? Maybe-maybe dinner?"
"Sure," Ezra said, nodding, waving his hand about with a slight grin. "Dinner would be lovely."
And a distraction. Maybe he could even talk to Gabriel about the whole situation while they were there. He had been fairly helpful when he needed to talk to someone about Oscar and Anthony hadn't been around.
"Great! That's great! So, I'll swing by your dorm and," He shrugged with a manic grin. "Pick you up at five?"
"Sounds wonderful." Ezra agreed, tapping his pen against his hand while taking deep breaths. "What are you up to, by the way? You couldn't have come to find me just to ask me that."
"Oh," Gabriel said, pleasantly surprised. "Well, I did, but I don't have to be anywhere. Just have some studying to do."
"Why not join me, then? It's a lovely day, and the company might help keep me on task." Ezra grinned, gesturing to the empty space across from him.
Gabriel eagerly sat down, and Ezra puzzled at the sheer joy Gabriel exuded. It was hardly like they'd never done this before, hanging around the two of them. And it happened more so since Anthony had been away. But, even after a few seconds, Gabriel was still grinning like he'd won some sort of lottery, and Ezra decided to shrug it off and try to focus on his work.
Ezra kept looking at the computer screen every few seconds, though he wasn't desperate. No, desperate would be bad, or needed. It's just, well, Anthony was supposed to be on line at eight, and now it was eight thirty, and he still hadn't signed in. And, of course, Ezra being Ezra, he'd already been waiting for an hour. Anthony hadn't really returned his texts, either.
About ten minutes ago, Ezra had text Gabriel to find out where this party or gathering or whatever was. Gabriel had replied right away with the address of a house just off campus where something like this happened often. Five minutes ago, Ezra told him he was going to head over, but hadn't worked the nerve up to leave yet. What if Anthony came online just as he was leaving?
So he wasn't terribly surprised by the knock on his dorm room door, and he had to take a moment to steel himself against the prospect of dealing with Gabriel's urging for him to just go, forget Anthony, all that rot.
"Gabriel," He said as he opened the door. "Just- oh!" He said as he opened the door to Anthony.
"Yeah, sorry I was late and all." He smirked. "Know we had a meeting for eight, but the train was a bit slower than expected, then getting a cab here was brutal."
"Oh," Ezra said again, "I. It's alright. You," he pointed at the computer, then turned back to Anthony with his hands over his mouth. "Oh," He grinned.
"My babysitter really wanted to stay at his girlfriend's tonight. So, I slipped him a nice, large pound note, told him that if dad asked I had a very loud girl over, or I was working, or whatever he wanted. Just for one night. But I can't stay long, I'm going to need to head back to London early."
Ezra reached out and hugged him tight, as tight as he could. "You could have texted!" He exclaimed into Anthony's jacket.
"I wanted to surprise you!" Anthony protested as his arms came around him. "Why, got some big plans now?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I do have plans." Ezra said as he stepped back a little. "You looked as though you weren't going to show up, so I told Gabriel I'd meet him at this gathering that's happening. I did text you that, you know. If you'd have checked your phone."
"I have it off to save battery. Was a bit of a spontaneous trip, this." Anthony smirked.
"It was, wasn't it? And It was a wonderful surprise. But, now we should be going." Ezra grabbed his jacket and slipped it on. "Shall we?" He asked, offering Anthony his hand.
Anthony took it almost immediately, and they left the building hand in hand.
Maybe he didn't forget. Or, if he did, maybe Anthony would still not be terribly opposed to repeating the kitchen incident in a less drunken state.
Ezra just had to work up the nerve to talk to him about it.
They were relatively quiet on the way there, simply basking in being in one another's presence. At least, that's what Ezra was doing. He was reveling in being in Anthony's physical space, feeling his warmth next to him, catching the whiff of his cologne on occasion.
"I really missed you," He said when it became too much, just as they got to the gate of the address given to him by Gabriel.
"Missed you, too, angel." Anthony smirked back, giving his hand a squeeze before the turned toward the house.
Ezra had no idea what happened.
They arrived at the house, and things were fine. They mingled, and maybe they didn't hold hands after they entered the house, but that was normal for them. That's how they always were. More often, the hand holding would have ended long before their arrival. He couldn't have said who let go first, but he was beginning to wonder if it would have mattered.
Ezra got called away, just for a moment, and he thought he heard Anthony mention something about saying hello to someone he knew.
Ezra had watched him over his shoulder. He saw Gabriel and had pointed Anthony out to him, to say "look who came!" When he looked back a little bit later, as soon as it was polite enough to, Anthony was gone, and Gabriel was speaking to who Anthony had been. Probably a classmate.
He'd excused himself then, and went in search of Anthony. The house wasn't terribly big, so it didn't take him long.
Anthony was in the kitchen, only this time he was the one crowded against the counter. And he didn't look overly perturbed by that.
Fine, it was fine, of course, because maybe he didn't remember that he was in the same position Ezra had been in a month ago, at least very near. The snogging hadn't started but it seemed inevitable. So, well, that means they would have to have a conversation. He just had to figure out how to broach the subject.
He left the kitchen a bit dazed, a bit nauseated, but all the more determined.
Until he wasn't.
Gabriel handed him a drink but he didn't take so much as a sip from it. He couldn't bring himself to do it. Ezra, instead, kept watching the kitchen to see if Anthony would come out.
It took an awful long time, and the bloke, because apparently it was a bloke who had him crowded in there, left first.
Anthony didn't exit for some time, and when he did, he moved straight for the front door.
Maybe it had been a mistake to follow him, but Ezra did it anyway. He had to.
"W-where are you going?" Ezra asked as he made it outside.
Anthony slowed to a stop but didn't turn around right away. Instead, he looked down at his feet, or the ground.
"Was a mistake coming out here." He said easily with a shrug.
"Oh." Ezra began to wring his hands. "Yes. I suppose it was." Anthony tensed. "Well it's just, well, your father might find out, and that probably won't end well."
"Find out… what, exactly?"
"Well," Ezra swallowed, finding it hard to navigate Anthony's tone. He seemed angry, perhaps bitter, but Ezra had no idea why. "Well, you've, umm, well with me. You're here fraternizing-"
"Fraternizing?" Anthony snarled.
Ezra swallowed again, this time trying to keep his heart out of his throat. "Well, whatever you wish to call it. What w-with you attending-"
"I have plenty of people to 'fraternize with, Ezra." Anthony turned on his heel to face Ezra.
Ezra frowned, shaking his head. "Of course you do." He said as though it were obvious, his tone a bit placating, trying to calm him down.
"Plenty of fucking people."
"I don't doubt it," Ezra half-snapped. "You were always infinitely more popular than I was. I hardly need it rubbed in my face."
"Yeah?" Anthony said, taking a step closer to Ezra, leaning in. "Who's rubbing what in whose face, eh? Take me to a party-"
"You could have just said you didn't want to come." Ezra grit out.
"And let down Gabriel?" He said in a taunting way that Ezra didn't like.
His nostrils flared, "And who was the bloke in the kitchen, Anthony? You two looked very close when I went to find you."
Anthony seemed to deflate a little at that, and for just a second, Ezra thought he'd talked him down.
Then he scoffed, flopping his hands about and retreating. "You know what? This is ridiculous. You are ridiculous, I don't even know why I'm still talking to you."
"You don't- we're-"
"We're what?" Anthony shouted. "What are we, Ezra? Huh?"
"How can you ask that?"
"Because I don't fucking know anymore. Every time I think we're…. You know what? Doesn't matter, I don't need you."
There was a pause in which time stretched on forever. Ezra's ears began to ring.
"W-what?" Ezra whispered.
"I said, I don't fucking need you!" Anthony shouted, turning back around and walking away.
"Yes, well… the feeling is mutual." Ezra shot back.
"Obviously!" Anthony spat over his shoulder.
"Obviously." Ezra glared, watching his best friend walk away into the night.
He waited out on the step, expecting that at any moment, Anthony would come back. He always came back.
He waited.
And waited.
And waited.
The door opened behind him, and the bloke from the kitchen stumbled out, swaying a bit. When he spotted Ezra, he smiled.
"Y-y-you came with the hot ginger bloke, didn' you?" he asked, jabbing at Ezra's arm.
"I did." He said stiffly.
"Fuck, he was wild. Think I got scratches on my scalp. He gonna be around again?"
Ezra blinked at the man, his eyes starting to tingle. He glanced at the road where Anthony disappeared, and he shook his head.
"I don't know."
He waited.
And waited.
He had gone back to his room late, hoping the whole walk back that he would find Anthony on his bed, and they would make up. Talk it out. Something, anything.
But when he got back, he was alone.
He didn't sleep.
He waited.
He had his phone at his side, a text typed and deleted and retyped so many times. He sent a simple call me, please at sunrise. He waited at his computer, watching for Anthony to come online.
And waited.
And waited.
He didn't eat, because it meant getting up and leaving the computer for any length of time. His bathroom breaks were speedy, and he wondered in heart-sick fear if maybe, just maybe, in that five minute break he somehow missed Anthony.
The sun through the window shifted and set, and still Ezra waited.
And waited.
And waited.
There was a knock on the door, and he was out of his chair so fast it hit the desk.
But it was only Gabriel.
Dressed very nicely.
"Ready to go, sunshine?" He asked eagerly.
"Sorry?"
"Our date!" Gabriel cheered. "Remember? Dinner?"
"Oh," Ezra frowned. "I… I hadn't realized you were asking… that." He shook his head. "Gabriel, I'm terribly sorry. Truly, I had no idea that's how you meant it. But, even if I had, I'm afraid… I'm afraid I'm simply not up for it."
Gabriel looked him over then, and realization seemed to hit him. "You alright?" He asked.
"No," Ezra said, tears threatening to erupt again. "No, I'm… I think… I think I might have said something awful. I can't for the life of me figure out what it was. But…. Anthony won't talk to me now. We've never… we've fought, but we've never…."
"Hey, it's okay." Gabriel said, cupping Ezra's face and swiping away errant tears that escaped without Ezra's permission. "He's not worth these."
"Oh, but that's where you're wrong. Quite wrong." Ezra smiled sadly. "I suppose… I suppose I thought… but I was wrong. He was drunk, and I was wrong. And now… oh, it was…" he said as realization dawned on him.
Ezra moved to the bed, and sat down heavily, the weight of it all hitting him.
"He did remember." Ezra said quietly, looking up at Gabriel for a moment before his eyes fell on the angel mug on the desk. "Oh he remembered and he… he doesn't… and I…. Oh, what have I done?" He said on a sob before burying his face in his hands and letting everything out.
All these years. All those moments. Anthony had only ever meant for them to be friends. He wasn't interested in Ezra that way, he never had been. And why would he be?
He'd no idea how long he cried, or when Gabriel came to hold him while he did. Eventually he passed out.
When morning broke, there was a note on his night stand, stating Gabriel had gone back to his place to change for a run, and he'd be back with breakfast. He never left the time, and Ezra didn't know when he'd be back.
He found he didn't rightly care.
He went to the desk, picking up his phone where he'd left it, seeing Anthony never replied to his text.
He glanced at the computer, saw that Anthony wasn't online, and collapsed in the chair.
Ezra sat vigil again until Gabriel came back with tea and a scone, and then he promised himself he wouldn't sit vigil again.
~C~
He chose Gabriel.
All this time, all the waiting, and Ezra chose Gabriel.
Or… or had he?
Anthony could admit he had not reacted the best to hearing the news, though it took him a week to admit that. Having the smarmy, stupid faced Gabriel going on and on and on about how he asked Ezra on a date and Ezra agreed. How Ezra seemed to find the idea exciting, readily agreed, didn't even ponder it. Just said yes.
Anthony couldn't take it, listening to that. Jealousy had begun to boil so hot it was turning to rage. So, he went to the kitchen to grab a drink and instantly hated how it made him think of that incident before, when he snogged Ezra. Of how Ezra hadn't asked him to stay. How…
How Anthony himself was the one who walked away.
He stood by the counter in the kitchen feeling like a shit when the hot, dirty-blonde guy came in and started flirting, saying really dirty things to him. It was glimpsing who he thought might have been Ezra coming in and walking right back out that he had him going from zero to a hundred, and when the bloke had asked if he could get a taste of Anthony, he was helping the man undo his trousers.
He'd felt dirty after. He only vaguely remembered dirty blonde from being a year behind him when he was still at Oxford, and he didn't even know his name. He'd never gone that far, or sunk that low, with anyone before.
So he left.
And that… made things worse. Because that meant he and Ezra could talk, without the distraction of noise or people, and didn't that just make everything better?
"Fraternizing."
The word stuck in his mind like gum to his shoe, and he spat it frequently when he was feeling pissed off enough.
"You know what it means, don't you?" Ligur had asked him one day, about a month after the word had been sputtered first (and probably the hundredth time Anthony had used it as a bloody curse).
"Course I do." He grumbled to his nearly-friend.
"Means to be friends with someone you're not supposed to be." Ligur said as if Anthony hadn't answered. "You were saying it so much, had to look it up."
That sat with Anthony another week, as he mulled it over. Because the truth was he hadn't known the exact meaning. He just knew Ezra had been using odd euphemisms as of late.
He then spent three weeks deciding to just try and push Ezra out of his mind. The best way to do that, Anthony wagered, was to do the one thing he'd really been holding back on since Oscar and Ezra had broken up, and he'd gotten his hopes foolishly high.
He slept with a lot of curly haired blondes, and he still felt like shit.
After that unhealthy binge had worked itself out, and he found he was no clearer headed than before, he went to his computer to call up Ezra and demand he explain himself. But Ezra was offline, and leaving a message would circumvent the whole "I don't need you" bit he'd tried very hard to maintain. He'd be crawling back to Ezra.
Anthony Crawley.
Not very attractive, that.
So he waited, and waited, and waited.
But Ezra never signed on. Not one time while he was checking. Odd, because, well, didn't he want to talk to Liza?
Oh, Eliza. In theory, she and Anthony were in the same city, he could call her up, ask her to listen, to maybe convince her to get Ezra to talk to him.
But, well, she wouldn't, would she? For one, that was her brother. And he remembered the way she looked at him in the beginning of his relationship with Freddie Martin, the only other time he and Ezra had ever spent this long not… anything.
Three months later, having played everything from that last night to the last year over and over in his head, Anthony realized something: he was an idiot.
Ezra probably had no idea that Anthony knew about the date. And, well, maybe Ezra didn't remember the whole snog in the kitchen at Deidre's. They had been drunk, and Anthony had a month and a half's worth of "too drunk to remember" under his belt after waking up in a strange flat next to a strange blonde to fault Ezra if that were the case.
Ezra probably thought that the mistake Anthony had made hadn't been coming to see him , in hopes that maybe they could connect romantically. Ezra likely thought the mistake had been coming to Oxford, period . After all, the intern next door couldn't be trusted not to keep it secret, at least not then. Enough walks of shame in the aftermath tipped Anthony off that the intern either hadn't been called on to answer any questioning, or he was damn good at lying.
Ezra had probably been looking out for Anthony.
It's what Ezra did.
And after enough changes to try to bring Anthony under thumb, was it surprising that the spontaneous visit, to visit a known gay man, was likely what Ezra would hone in on? That he would worry that the trip would be one step too far?
Oh, I've been such an idiot. Anthony thought. A stubborn, jerky idiot.
He had waited out Oscar, he could wait out Gabriel, too.
But, clearly, the email Ezra used for video calling wasn't likely going to be the one he'd check. It had been a couple months since his last sign on, maybe he didn't use it anymore?
But the Oxford one, he definitely used that one. At least, he would for sure for at least another week, maybe longer if Anthony was lucky.
He had found the address in his personal email's contacts, set himself up to compose an email, and stared at the screen for hours.
In the end, instead of the long, eloquent words Ezra deserved, all Anthony managed to put was: I'm sorry.
A couple days later, there was a knock on the door, and Anthony eagerly went to answer it.
He stood stunned a moment. "You."
He recognized him from A&E about seven years back. It was hard to forget a face that looked so painfully like one's own, just without the snake-like eyes and with some facial hair.
The doctor looked nervous, shifting from side to side, taking him in.
"Erica said I could find you here, but she didn't want me to come. But I… I had to."
"Why?" Anthony asked, his heart in his throat. Then he shook his head. "Wait, just… not here. Let's… let's go for a walk. We can feed the ducks or some shit."
"Okay," The doctor said, nodding and glancing around the corridor while he waited for Anthony to gather his things.
Almost two weeks later, Anthony, or AJ as he now understood himself to be, returned to his flat with a painful incision, a bit less internal organ, a whole other family, and to an email in his inbox.
It was dated a few days ago, and the name made him want to cry from a whole different kind of pain.
He opened it, seeing it said simply: I forgive you .
AJ then went about the task of composing a long letter filling Ezra in on everything. Of Tony, and how he changed his name to reflect that he wasn't James' kid at all. About the sister and two brothers, and how he helped one of them. That he was so overwhelmed with shock at the idea that all this time he was a brother that he dropped his phone, and accidentally kicked the damn thing into the lake trying to pick it up. He had the same number, by the way, so if Ezra would just text him or call, they could talk again.
He wrote how he did a lot of stupid things, but nothing as stupid as fighting with him over something as petty and stupid as a date with Gabriel. That, of course, he hoped it went well (even if he really didn't).
That he was sorry. So very sorry for everything.
AJ hit send.
Within an hour, he got the notice that the student's email had expired, and could he please find another method of contact.
AJ waited for Ezra to come online for three days, to see if maybe there was still a chance that his words wouldn't go to waste.
Ezra never did.