Laura could only stare silently as Carmilla continued to close the distance between them. She couldn't believe she was actually standing there, ready to say the words she had been waiting to hear!
At least, she was hoping they were words she had been waiting to hear. For all she knew, Carmilla was there to remind her that they were friends and friends only and that's all they ever could be.
Whatever feelings Laura had needed to be pushed aside.
But would Carmilla really go through the trouble of coming all the way over if she was just going to say something that could've been communicated through a text?
Laura remained hopeful, she had to.
"Okay," Laura answered, her voice small and timid.
When Carmilla didn't say anything further, Laura grew nervous. She needed something to break up the silence and blurted the first thing that came to her mind.
"You've just missed the sunset," Laura added trying to sound casual. She wanted to facepalm, because what was that? Although her voice didn't waver, she was sure her facial expressions were telling all.
"I suppose I did," Carmilla finally spoke up, glancing in the direction of her own roof where the sun would've set. Laura watched her shift her weight from side to side with her eyes still steady on the horizon, "I went to your door first."
"Oh! I'm sorry, I should've told you." Laura apologized but Carmilla only shook her head and slowly turned her gaze to the sky.
"You didn't know I was coming over," She offered with a shrug, "I should've texted or something."
Laura nodded as they fell into another bout of silence, unsure of what was to come next. She watched Carmilla's eyes shift between the flecks of light in the sky before Carmilla turned her gaze to Laura.
Carmilla stood there with her lips parted looking like she was trying to form words, but she was too deep in thought for them to actually come out. When Carmilla found they wouldn't budge, her eyes darted to the ground in shame.
Laura wanted to reach out and tell her that she didn't need to be afraid or try so hard; she could speak freely around her and Laura could take whatever she had coming.
But she refrained, unsure if a sudden movement would scare the girl off again.
"I don't know why this is so hard for me to say." Carmilla admitted with a sigh after another moment.
Laura took a step forward, "Carm, you can-"
"Wait, I need to do this." Carmilla stopped her with a step back, keeping Laura at bay, the words falling from her pleadingly.
Laura tried not to take the way Carmilla shrank from her like that personally, but it was hard to unsee. Why was she so afraid of her all of a sudden? Laura tried to keep her face neutral although she could feel the frown forming.
Carmilla looked so frustrated with herself; she pinched the bridge of her nose as she squeezed her eyes shut.
The need to reach out and push her hand away was strong, but Laura didn't know how Carmilla would react to that, so she stifled the urge. Instead she busied her hands with her sweater, wrapping herself up tighter as she waited.
Carmilla remained still and Laura watched helplessly.
Laura didn't know how to show Carmilla that everything was going to be okay. Whether Carmilla had feelings for her or not, Laura would still be there for her if she wanted because they were friends first and foremost after all and Laura took that quite seriously.
Laura watched as Carmilla glanced up at the sky one last time. Her chest rose and fell, a deep breath in, before she looked to Laura again with a newfound determination.
"I'm sorry for running out on you the other day," Carmilla said as her hands delved into the pockets of her jacket. The crease between her brows deepened, "I – I wasn't thinking clearly. I should've…handled that better."
Laura kept her arms tight around herself as she watched Carmilla curiously. She could actually see the gears churning and for the first time maybe ever, she could read everything Carmilla had to say just by the furrow of her brow.
This wasn't going to end well.
If Laura wasn't heartbroken before, she would be after Carmilla continued with what she had to say. With a look like that, Laura was certain Carmilla was just trying to figure out a way to let her down easy.
Just friends. Just friends. Just friends.
She felt an uncomfortable lump forming as her thoughts flashed the words Carmilla was bound to say. She tried her best to swallow it down. She tried reminding herself that Carmilla not reciprocating feelings for her wasn't the end of the world. If she was lucky, Carmilla would want to stay in her life and Laura's feelings would eventually go away.
It wasn't ideal, but Laura had to stay optimistic.
Besides, she wasn't going to cry in front of Carmilla, she would wait to do that once she was in the comfort of her room with the covers pulled over her head.
"God, I'm such an idiot." Carmilla huffed upon seeing the worsening look on Laura's face.
"N-no, you're not. I get it." Laura stammered, her chest tightening at ever word, "I shouldn't have kissed you."
Carmilla stiffened and the corner of her mouth twitched in a frown, "Do you really wish you hadn't?"
Laura tightened her jaw.
She could lie and say yes, and maybe that could save this whole unraveling of a friendship. But she couldn't, because she didn't truly believe her own words.
As soon as they left her lips, she felt ashamed and it made her feel dirty. She vowed she'd never feel that kind of shame for how she felt about Carmilla, yet here she was falling back into the same routine all because she was trying to save herself from further heartache.
Laura thought that if she said the words first, then she wouldn't have to hear Carmilla say them instead.
She wouldn't have to hear Carmilla turn her fears into reality.
But something new was there in Carmilla's darkened eyes when she asked her question. It was something that resembled disappointment and Laura wondered how could that be?
In all honesty, Laura was disappointed in herself to. She was never that great of a liar anyway.
"No, I don't." Laura admitted quietly, "I'm sorry."
Then miraculously, a glimpse of a smile threatened to overtake Carmilla's frown.
"Don't be," Carmilla answered through the faint smile, "I'm glad you did."
Laura's eyes widened at Carmilla's words, completely stunned, "Really?"
Carmilla just nodded.
"Why?" Laura prompted curiously, unable to stop the question from falling.
Carmilla's features hardened.
Once again, she was deep in thought as if she were trying to put together some long speech in her head before actually saying anything. She really took the whole think before you speak thing seriously apparently, but Laura couldn't decide if it was helping or hurting her.
The longer Carmilla stayed silent, the more time she spent stuck in her head and that couldn't be a good thing.
When nothing else came, her face fell to her hands. Her body wracked with what sounded like sobs.
"I'm fucking this up." Carmilla mumbled against her hands. The brokenness in Carmilla's tone was all it took to finally break Laura's resolve.
"Hey," Laura cooed and instantly reached out to the trembling girl.
She pulled at Carmilla's wrists until Carmilla let her push them away.
Laura's hands slid so that her palms were pressed against the backs of Carmilla's, cradling them as she looked up into her stormy eyes. Carmilla wasn't crying, but her eyes looked glossy as if the dams were about to break.
Laura's heart clenched at the sight. Why Carmilla thought she needed to do this completely on her own was beyond her. She didn't have to do that, not if Laura had anything to do with it.
They could do this together.
"It's only me, Carm." She whispered, eyes searching Carmilla's, "You can tell me anything. Don't be afraid, I won't go anywhere…unless you want me to. I really hope that you don't though."
A twitch of a smile pulled at the corner of Carmilla's mouth again as her breathing steadied. Then her eyes darted back and forth between Laura's again, like something had clicked.
Laura knew this look; she experienced it before in her kitchen and on her couch and she knew what was bound to follow, but she pulled away just enough to break Carmilla's train of thought.
She couldn't believe she was thinking it but, now isn't the time for an angst-filled kiss. It can't take the place of an actual conversation, not this time.
Laura watched as Carmilla blinked, already retracting in on herself.
"I'm sorry," Carmilla said softly, "I sh-"
"We're putting a pin in that." Laura swiftly interrupted before letting her hands drop from Carmilla's, "Let's just…talk first?"
"Right." Carmilla nodded and ran her hand through her hair, "I'm just so bad at it."
"I don't need some grand speech," Laura whispered as she caught Carmilla's eye. She smiled and ducked her head encouragingly, "Just talk, it's only me."
"You make it sound so easy," Carmilla sighed at Laura's words and a small smile crept up.
"Well, isn't it?" Laura asked innocently.
Carmilla shook her head at Laura's words, the smile widening, "Not for me."
"Oh." Laura softened.
"You're not just anyone. Why do you think I'm having so much trouble?" Carmilla asked, her boot scuffing at the gravel.
Laura shrugged her shoulders.
Carmilla sucked in a breath and straightened up, "Because it's you, Laura, and you're everything to me."
Laura's jaw dropped a little, but she remained quiet as Carmilla finally found her voice.
"I don't do this sort of thing with the emotions and talking about feelings. I never have. I – I keep to myself and stick to what I know. That's what I've always done because things – they happen when you care too much about someone and I can't...I know better now and I won't put myself in that position again…to be hurt." Carmilla's voice cracked at the last words as she looked away and Laura flinched.
Laura tried to keep her face neutral although she felt like running. She knew the punchline was coming, for Carmilla to finally say that she only wanted to be friends.
She tried to kiss you, you idiot!
Her heart was on her back again and the thought made Laura stand her ground because it was right.
She kept trying to remind herself that if Carmilla didn't have feelings for her then she wouldn't be here and she wouldn't have tried to kiss her and she wouldn't have called Laura her everything.
Laura swallowed dryly and continued to listen.
"But then you came along and you just…took over. You came out of nowhere, literally, and you changed me. You showed me how much I could matter to someone and what it was like to be cared for and, Laura, you have no idea how long I've been waiting for someone to do that. I don't even know how long I've been waiting. I didn't even know I was waiting, but you came into my life and it was like I just…woke up."
Carmilla was smiling through her words now, Laura wondered if she even knew she was doing it. She probably didn't and Laura found herself smiling too, she guessed it was contagious.
"You took the time to understand me and you broke down my walls with your positivity and optimism and incessant notetaking and I let you do it because I-"
Carmilla paused, her lips parted like the thought was caught somewhere within her. Laura felt suspended in mid-air, hanging on Carmilla's every word but Carmilla just cleared her throat and continued.
"I remember the first time I ever saw you," Carmilla admitted and glanced around the roof before pointing to spot near the door, "You were right over there, dancing."
Laura blushed at the memory while Carmilla's smiled grew.
She remembered the impromptu silent dance party she had on her first trip up to the roof. She was so overcome with joy being in the sunlight and fresh air after weeks of being cooped up in her apartment. She couldn't help herself and she just danced away thinking no one was watching.
That was the first day she saw Carmilla too.
"I remember thinking wow this poor girl has lost her mind in isolation." Carmilla chuckled causing Laura's blush to deepen, but Carmilla only brought her hand up and brushed the backs of her cold fingers against the warm skin. Her eyes softened as they stayed glued to the movement, "I also remember thinking I wish I could be as happy as her."
Some of the tension Laura didn't realize she was holding at the base of her shoulders eased at Carmilla's touch.
"The more we talked and the more we got to know each other, I realized something that I didn't think was possible." Carmilla said softly, her hand falling from Laura's cheek. She bit down on her bottom lip as her eyes finally dragged up to meet Laura's again, "You make me want to be a better person and that terrifies me."
The way the last words left Carmilla sounded too pained for Laura's liking. Wanting to be a better person was a good thing. How could Carmilla be so afraid of that? Laura couldn't figure it out, but she remained silent as Carmilla continued.
"No one has ever made me feel the way you do. You make me feel cared for and you make me want things I've never dreamed of wanting and I – I'm terrified." Carmilla paused as her voice broke. She looked so small again with her voice softened, "I've spent so many years disappointing everyone around me and somewhere deep down I knew I didn't deserve good things. Why should I? So I got comfortable with the idea that I was just…meant to be alone."
"Carm…" Laura sighed because she couldn't stand the thought but Carmilla shook her head.
"You're a good thing, Laura, and I don't think I deserve you." Carmilla admitted and it nearly broke Laura's heart in two, "At least, that's how I've been trained to think for so long but you've changed that. You started to change that the day you came into my life."
Laura breathed out in relief; she didn't think she could stand to listen to Carmilla speaking so ill of herself. Laura knew Carmilla, the real Carmilla. The one, who deep down under all the sarcasm and apathy, was soft and sensitive.
"After years and years of conditioning, after forcing myself to believe the words spurred from anything but love for so long, you just came in and dismissed it all. I don't even know how you did it. You believed in me and you showed me that I could be a better person if I wanted." Carmilla paused, the faint smile faltered and was replaced with a pained expression, "Then the other night, when you kissed me…"
Laura reached out and brushed Carmilla's cheek with her thumb. She hadn't meant to invade her space like that, but she felt like it needed to be done. Carmilla had been doing so well so far and Laura needed her to know that she was proud of her.
Also, she might've just wanted to touch her to make sure she wasn't dreaming this whole thing.
But when Carmilla overlapped Laura's hand with hers, Laura figured this definitely wasn't a dream.
"I got scared." Carmilla whispered, "I had never felt so much so intensely like that before and I didn't know how to react so I ran. I know it's a ridiculous excuse because I'm an adult, how can I be scared off by a single kiss? But it wasn't just a kiss, was it? That kiss did something to me and I got scared and ran away. I know it's silly, but it's the best explanation I have for now."
"Stop," Laura hushed with the squeeze of Carmilla's hand. She gave her a pointed look and softened, "It's not ridiculous. Your reasons are valid."
Carmilla bit her bottom lip in thought then nodded, "I shouldn't have done it though. I shouldn't have just left you there like it was nothing because it wasn't like that. That kiss…it meant something to me. I felt like – I felt like I was falling apart and being put back together all in one go. Or…like I was falling? Does that make sense? Probably not. God, look who's rambling now."
Laura smiled, fighting the urge to kiss away any of Carmilla's doubt, "It's okay. I felt it too."
"You did?" Carmilla asked in disbelief.
Laura grinned, she didn't think she'd ever get tired of that look.
"It was the best kiss I've ever had." She confessed, eyes flickering between Carmilla's.
"Oh." She blinked and looked to the ground bashfully, "I feel even worse now for running."
"Don't. You had your reasons." Laura urged, hoping her words would ease Carmilla's mind.
Carmilla just shook her head guiltily, still looking to the ground, "No, it wasn't fair for you. I've never wanted you to feel like – I don't know? I don't ever want to be someone that hurts you." Carmilla said softly, "And I feel like I did that by running and it's something that I really do regret. You didn't deserve that. You deserve someone that's confident in the way they feel about you." Carmilla stopped and bit her lip nervously, "Which I'm working on now. I just – I wish I could've had the courage to stay and say something sooner. For that, I'm sorry and I'm sorry I made you wait."
"It's okay." Laura replied then took a steadying breath, "You know, I'm scared too."
Carmilla looked into Laura's eyes, filled with confusion, "You are?"
Laura shrugged, averting her gaze to Carmilla's hand. She reached for it and held it between her own, needing something to keep her from floating away, "The things I feel for you are new to me and I'm not expert at this either. Really, I'm just winging it and hoping that I don't screw this up."
Laura paused, trying to regain her focus before veering off, "You mean a lot to me, Carm. If that little blip in judgement is what had to happen to get us to this point, then it doesn't matter. I'd go through it again and again. Don't feel too bad about not knowing how to do this, because I don't know what I'm doing either."
"But you didn't run," Carmilla countered, somewhat in awe.
"Doesn't mean I was any less scared." Laura chuckled lightly, "Besides, I was already kind of home so…I couldn't really run off anywhere if I wanted to."
Carmilla's jaw dropped a little at the joke before a hint of a smile appeared.
It made Laura feel proud of the way she was able to ease some of the tension, something Carmilla usually was in charge of.
Carmilla looked down at her hands as Laura twined their fingers together and smiled shyly at the move.
"But seriously," Laura continued bringing Carmilla's eyes back up to land on hers, "That kiss meant something for me too and I – I don't think we can be friends anymore."
Carmilla's brow arched questioningly, "Really?"
"Not like that," Laura rushed out at Carmilla's tone then grew shy, "We can be friends but just – It would be difficult because…well, I'd want to kiss you all the time and – you know like you said, that's not something friends do so..."
"Right," Carmilla nodded at Laura's rambling and began to smirk, "And I wouldn't be able to help myself much either."
"Exactly," Laura mimicked the nod, "It just wouldn't work."
"Uh huh," Carmilla hummed, trying her hardest to keep the smirking to a minimum, "So if we aren't going to be friends anymore, for obvious reasons, then what does that make us now?"
Laura could see Carmilla's usual confidence was beginning to return which made her suddenly feel uncertain. She paused and bit her lip in thought, "I'm not sure, but I don't think we need to figure out all the answers tonight. Right? We have loads of time to – you know…work that out or something."
Carmilla tilted her head to the side as a smirk spread across her lips.
Laura shifted awkwardly under Carmilla's gaze, feeling even more aware of her nerves and the silence they plummeted into. It was much more comfortable this time around, but something heavy still draped over them.
They had said their words, feelings were out in the open, so what now? Laura had kept it relatively cool this whole time, but there was something in the way Carmilla looked at her that made her tense.
Once again, Carmilla was looking at Laura like she had missed some hilarious joke and she was waiting for Laura to catch on.
Problem is, Laura didn't know when there was even a joke made!
She felt lost.
"Uhh, or we could…" Laura stammered, trying to gauge if that's what Carmilla was waiting for her to say, "Keep it casual?"
Laura enunciated the words weirdly, completely exposing her nerves and indecision, but instead of Carmilla joking her she just quirked her brow curiously.
"Keep it casual, huh?" She clarified although her tone reflected doubt. She looked like she was about to laugh.
It made Laura question herself, "Yeah? Or we could just…like not do that?"
Carmilla chuckled, her smirk morphing into a grin, "You know, for someone who is so in tune with their feelings and loves a good label, you're kind of oblivious."
Laura frowned, "What's that suppose to mean?"
Carmilla just shook her head before taking a step closer to Laura, "So…let me just go over what happened, for continuity's sake."
Laura eyed her curiously.
"So, I know you have feelings for me and now you know I have feelings for you too.." Carmilla left her words hanging there as she looked to Laura expectantly.
"Yeah?" Laura looked back just the same, waiting for Carmilla to continue.
Why was she being so weird all of a sudden?
Speak for yourself, Hollis.
Laura frowned at the little voice in her head. She wasn't being weird. She was just, not very good a reading between the lines? Whatever..
Carmilla continued to eye her before finally giving up.
She sighed and smiled down at the ground, "I didn't think I needed to spell it out for you, Cupcake, but I guess I'm going to have to. Aren't I?"
Laura frowned; what the heck did she miss?
Suddenly Carmilla's eyes caught something off to the side of Laura and she jutted her finger over to the spot, "Can I borrow that?"
Laura's eyes followed to where Carmilla pointed: the whiteboard resting against her chair from earlier.
Laura's already furrowed brows deepened, "Uh..sure?"
Carmilla huffed out one last chuckle before walking around Laura to pick up the board. She rested it against her stomach as she uncapped the marker with her teeth, her eyes never leaving Laura's. There was something mischievous in the way Carmilla looked at her that left Laura intrigued.
Also, a bit embarrassed because how could someone uncapping a marker look so hot? Laura pushed the thought away, she needed to focus.
Carmilla tore her eyes away from Laura's as she scribbled out her message and Laura watched her facial expressions shift from playful to something softer. Her face seemed to relax and once she stopped writing, a gentle smile formed.
Carmilla looked back to Laura, regarding her for a moment, then revealed her message:
I'm in love with you, Laura Hollis.