Regulus was overwrought. He knew someone would have to go to the cave and endure what Kreacher had endured to retrieve the locket, and that someone else will have to force that poor person to drink the Drink of Despair, brewed by Severus in the cauldron Regulus himself had bought him, and he could not fathom putting any of them through that, not even Lily, who was out of the question anyway as there was no telling what that potion might do to a fetus ("you let Potter get you up the -" Severus spat at her; "did you think we cuddled the night before he went on that mission?" She retorted miserably. "We're still practically newly-weds!")

Severus was equally helpless, equally ashamed of his part in brewing it. He knew exactly how potent it was - he had put every ounce of his hatred of Dumbledore into brewing it, certain as he was that Dumbledore, not Kreacher, was the enemy for whom it was intended. The prospect of being forced to drink it by Regulus was terrifying, but not as terrifying as the thought of forcing Regulus to drink it himself, and even that was discounting the fact that Kreacher had survived only because Regulus had told him to come home.

They never thought they would be happy to see James Potter. He apparated outside their flat and makeshift headquarters, and he was adamant to get Lily back. "Open up!" He demanded. "You are still my wife, Lily, and I demand to speak with you!"

The distraction was welcome, and she opened the door. "Well?"

"I've come to talk to you. I want you back, Lily. Please forgive me. I'll do anything. I'll never lie to you again."

"Does that mean you will never speak to Sirius again?" She asked hopefully.

"Anything but that, Lily. Please."

"Not interested."

"How can I prove myself to you?"

"Unless you are interested in drinking a lot of poison, we're busy here, James," she said coldly, and to everyone's shock, James volunteered himself.

"If it will make you reconsider, I'll do it."

Lily was not up to the task of forcing James to drink it, and Severus had no desire to be anywhere alone with Potter ("I will sooner inject myself with live polio," he said as he left the room, to which Lily reacted by giggling slightly and which Regulus did not understand), and so it came down to James and Regulus. Kreacher apparated them to the cave. As soon as he saw it he began to whimper, and Regulus ordered him to go home and wait.

Cold sea air whipped at James's and Regulus's face. They stepped further away from one another as soon as Kreacher was gone, and faced each other. No one made a sound - only the wind. Regulus gestured at the basin that contained the emerald liquid Severus had brewed to perfection, and he could not help but appreciate the irony.

James has never been one to let his apprehension show, and he took a hearty swig of the stuff and his face immediately contorted in disgust and he could barely swallow. He went from boastful to meek almost as soon as the potion touched his lips.

"She does not love me anymore," he said, sombre. "Did you see how she looked at me?"

Regulus glared at him and said nothing - he had had enough for one lifetime of listening to people whine about Lily. He could take it from Severus, but not from Potter, and he felt he had yet to see what was so remarkable about her, that anyone would care so much. Wordlessly, and impatiently, he urged James to drink on.

"She is going to pick Snivellus over me, I know she is." Regulus clenched his fist. "That slimy, filthy half-blood, she is going to stay with him and there is nothing I can do."

Regulus had had enough of hearing people talking about Severus like that too. "Less talking, more drinking, mate."

Slowly this time, James took another sip. "I never deserved her… I have been lying, and she found out about what Sirius did, it's the only reason she agreed to look at me in the first place, she thought I saved him and it was a lie… we thought it was hilarious. I lied to her about everything, we never left him alone, and she never stopped caring, she only got better at hiding it, I could tell…"

Finally, James said something that piqued Regulus's curiosity. "How can you be sure?"

"She would always leave all of a sudden whenever anybody brought him up. I caught her crying about it. I should have known it was over as soon as she found that bleeding hospital record…"

Other than the encouraging discovery that Lily was not as self-righteous and superior as she looked, this was rapidly becoming dull again. Regulus tipped the goblet into James's mouth himself.

"He is better than me, and she loved him for who he was, he never needed to lie. I saved him because I thought she'll like it, and she did, but it was not enough."

Tears were flowing freely from his eyes.

"I've been too much of a bully and she was never going to forget that, so I doubled down, told everyone he was jealous of me, that he was following me around for no reason, and it was the other way around, I knew even then, and we all saw him losing his mind and how he nearly never left the Slytherin Tower anymore, and we told one another he was finally showing his true colors, we told everyone…"'

Regulus forced another mouthful down James's throat.

"We were thrilled, we'd finally won, we finally managed to really hurt him, we all knew he was the better wizard I think, but we never admitted it out loud."

Regulus yawned. This is what the Drink of Despair does? I know he is powerful, I always did, I never lost sleep over it, what is he on about?

James blinked at him, looking completely innocent and powerless, but all it did was provoke Regulus.

"Really?" He needled him. "You have no idea how powerful he is. Did you know he invented Levicorpus? Did you know he invented the spell I used to defeat you in our last match? Took him an afternoon, he told me." His tone was haughty, devoid of true interest or empathy. James shrank a little, but the news did not shock him.

"Sirius saw the two of you together, on our map. It drove him mad."

Their map? Regulus wondered.

"He borrowed my invisibility cloak, and attacked him in the hospital wing. But that was later."

Pieces came together in Regulus's mind. So Sirius was never powerful after all. Imagine.

"After our Defense OWLs, I wanted to get Lily's attention, and what could have been easier than going after her friend? You understand it, don't you?"

It struck Regulus that James was looking at him and seeing Sirius, just like Severus used to. He expected support, admiration, and he was not getting it.

"No Potter, I do not understand. I have never attacked anyone to get attention. I would never have done what my brother did, I would never have attempted to kill anyone because he was in my way, I would never have hurt someone helpless."

Even as he said the words, he knew he was doing exactly that - but James did volunteer, and he deserved it. An image flashed before Regulus's eyes - how he had accidentally walked in on Severus crying that first time he ever noticed him, how he flinched away from him, and how terrified he was after the hospital wing attack, and now he knew - James helped Sirius do it, James gave him an invisibility cloak, he had some kind of map they used to tell where people were, and he suddenly hoped the Drink of Despair will never run out.

"I am not him, Potter, I do not understand it. I do not adore you, and to be frank, it's pathetic how much agony it's causing you."

James's face showed every sign of crashing disappointment. Being denied approval made him whimper.

"Drink up, Potter," Regulus commanded him, just as he had inadvertently ordered Severus to poison himself with Veritaserum.

"I wanted Lily to notice me, I attacked Snivellus, and it worked… he tried to stop us, but I felt emboldened, how he tried to defend himself, and how pathetic it looked, and I felt so powerful, Regulus, it never stopped being funny, how he tried to threaten us, 'you, wait,' but what was he going to do? I was happy, Regulus, and don't tell me you would not have been, didn't you attack Sirius for no reason too? Poured juice on his head in the Great Hall?"

"Well, you see, no I did not. Turns out I had a very compelling reason for doing that, Potter, though I did not know that at the time." Regulus said in a near whisper - Severus's style was already affecting him. It was not unpleasant. "I have seen what his little trick did to Severus, though not even I could have believed my own brother was capable of doing that, I confess. And this is the brother I was born with, Potter, you chose him, you are choosing him over Lily too, can't you see that?"

James was panting in distress, unable to even look at the replenishing basin. Even as he had James suffering like that, the injustice of it still stung: Potter had lived an enchanted life, if all the drink could do was to make him see himself for what he was. Regulus knew: If it had been him drinking it, he would have had lived that Veritaserum moment, how glibly he made Severus brew and drink it, or how his relationship with his parents had begun to sour as soon as Sirius left and he realized their love was predicated, first and foremost, on the fact that he was not his brother, or the horror of learning what the Dark Lord had done to Kreacher. Between himself, Lily, and Severus, he had been the luckiest by far, yet even he had faced more struggles than Potter, to whom not being universally adored caused such distress. Regulus could not understand, for the life of him, why Potter ever noticed Severus, let alone hounded him for 7 years, even after he had Lily, and anger rose in him. He stood up, and towered over James's cowering figure. "No more," Potter croaked. "Please, no more."

"Oh, shut it," Regulus snapped, and finally pinched Potter's nose like a parent force-feeding medicine to a recalcitrant child, and when Potter gasped, Regulus roughly forced the potion down his throat and then put his hand tightly over James's mouth to prevent him from spitting it out.

"Serves you right," he spat. "Lying to your wife like that. Disgusting."

Potter gagged as he swallowed. When Regulus was satisfied that the potion was not coming back up, he let him keep talking.

"Snivellus cut me across the cheek with something, and of course, I cast Levicorpus on him - what was he thinking, what gave him the right to do that - and of course, Lily was mad, and I freed him, and Sirius took over for me - and then he- he did something even I could not dream he'll do, he called her a mudblood, and she was so hurt she called him Snivellus straight away, and I finally saw my chance - but even that didn't work, and I could not understand why she still hated me, what she still saw in him-"

"Could it be," Regulus interjected, despite his better judgment, "that she hated you regardless of how much she liked Severus? Could it be that she hated you for the reasons she said she did?"

James ignored him. "I didn't know what to do, and I had him hanging in the air, and it was just so easy. I felt awful, I had to feel better, and there he was - it took two seconds, and it was incredible - everybody laughed, the whole school was on my side, except for her -"

Before Regulus could think of what he was doing, he punched James in the face. He deliberated it internally and decided that he refused to feel ashamed of himself. "Not the whole school, Potter. Go on."

"She still hated me, pretended to, anyway, and he never even wanted her that way, did he? He wanted you - or, you know. Not her. I never had to worry about him at all, and I would have had nothing to lie about, and Lily would have loved me for who I am, and I still would have had her."

He looked at Regulus again, and Regulus recognized his expression immediately - it was the look of someone who was denied approval for the first time, who could not give it to himself, who could not contain the idea that he had done wrong and that it was not going to be alright, and he saw himself in Potter and he hated everything he saw.

"She never did. She did not love you. As soon as she learned the truth she came to me. Can you appreciate how desperate she must have been, to come to me ? After everything Sirius must have told her about me? She was devastated and lost and alone because you made her lose her best friend and then lied to her. Do you know how hard we fought, Severus and I, for the truth? He nearly died. He nearly died so he could tell me. And you chose to lie. You're disgusting, Potter. A Gryffindor, and a coward."

"I KNOW I AM!" James shouted, his throat already parched.

The potion had finally begun to deplete. The last mouthful made him sob. "You're right, I did not deserve her, and I am everything he always said I was, and Sirius… we only made each other worse. Lily thinks he was the bad one now, but it was both of us, we always egged each other on, and there is nothing I can do now to get her back. If I'd been honest, if she had found out from me, maybe, but it's over. Snivellus won. He's won and he never even wanted to win. She never loved me. Only you did, Sirius."

Sirius? That must be the delirium, then, Regulus thought.

James was overcome with a terrible sense of clarity. Regulus saw it on his face and on his body, he saw his muscles tensing up to jump into the lake, and he acted first, restrained him, and forced him to be still, and yelled at him - "Lily's pregnant, you idiot. You're going to leave your child alone just because you felt sad for once in your life?"

But James was strong.

"Let go of me, Padfoot! I'm warning you! I can't take it anymore!" He hollered, and he made for the lake, and nearly took Regulus down with him. Regulus had to let go, and all he could do was to retrieve the locket lying at the bottom of the basin before the potion could replenish again, and watch. He expected James to swim, but just as Kreacher said, he was too helpless to swim, and greying, bloated hands pulled him underwater.

"Tell Lily I-" he tried to say, but water filled his mouth and he gargled, and he was submerged, and air bubbled up to the surface, and then the water was still again, save for Potter's glasses. Regulus summoned them, not knowing what for.

He sat on the floor of the cave, shocked, and he did not feel the time passing. If Severus had gone with him, he would have tried to save him. He would have tried to pay his debt. But I don't owe him anything. It's the best thing that could have happened.

He said that to himself, but he did not believe it. Eventually, he felt the cool air on his face again, and he heard the wind again, and realized that he had to return, that there was nothing he could do for James now, and he summoned Kreacher, and they apparated home.

"I'm sorry, Lily," he whispered, realizing only then that his throat was parched too. "He's gone."

"G… gone? What do you mean, gone? Gone where?"

She knew, but she did not want to know, and fear of what had already happened was making her sound much thicker than she was.

"To the bottom of the lake, I assume," Regulus said, and Severus cringed internally and reminded himself that tact was never Regulus's forte. "I salvaged his glasses, Lily. Here." She looked at them, pale with shock.

"His… his GLASSES? But you couldn't save HIM?" She shrieked.

"I tried. I tackled him and held him down, but he is strong, you know that. Was. He crawled toward the water, almost took me with him, and if I hadn't let him go when I did the potion would have replenished and I never would have retrieved the locket."

He took the locket out of his pocket and put it on the table. "It was not in vain."

Lily looked at the locket that had claimed her husband's life. "It's all my fault," she croaked. "If I hadn't told him to go with you, just because I was angry. Oh, god, James…" She burst into sobs, and to Regulus's shock, Severus got closer to her and put his hand on her shoulder. "Lily, it's alright," he said softly. "He didn't die in vain, and it's not your fault, he knew what he was doing!"

"No," she said and gasped for air, "he didn't!"

She was hyperventilating, her green eyes bloodshot. "I only said he'll have to drink poison, I didn't say he will die, and I knew, I heard what you-know-who did to the elf! ("Kreacher," Regulus corrected her, but she did not hear) I thought… I thought you would save him, Black!"

"I tried, Lily. The only reason I was able to get Kreacher out of there is because house elves are forced to obey. If I could control James I would have brought him back."

"WHY DIDN'T YOU IMPERIUS HIM THEN?!" Lily roared. "ISN'T IT WHAT YOU DEATH EATERS DO?"

Regulus began to stammer, but Severus whispered, softly, but with certainty: "It wouldn't have worked, Lily. The potion is stronger than the Imperius curse. It's stronger than anything, anything Regulus could have done. I know, I made it. If Regulus said there was no way to save him, there wasn't."

"You did it on purpose!" Lily accused Severus, sounding horrified.

"Lily, listen to yourself. Was I supposed to know Potter will come here and volunteer? If he hadn't, it would have been me drinking it, or Regulus, do you think I intended it? I brewed the drink on the Dark Lord's order. I thought he would use it on Dumbledore. None of it worked out like I had planned, Lily, trust me."

Her chest fell and rose, and the truth sank in: He was gone and it was nobody's fault. If anyone was guilty, it was her - she told him to volunteer himself. She never thought he'd do it, but he did. Severus saw it in her eyes. He held her face up with two fingers under her chin and a happy thought he immediately suppressed came to him: you are touching her face just like before… everything .

"You haven't done anything wrong. He could have said he'll stop talking to Sirius, and you would have gone back home."

"It would not have mattered," Regulus interrupted.

Severus and Lily turned their heads to him.

"The moment that drink touched his lips he said he knew it was over, Lily. He knew he lost you, he knew you chose Severus. He still used that lovely nickname he used to call him, too. And the last thing he said to me, when he thought I was Sirius, was that you never loved him, because you never knew him - only Sirius loved him. He would have chosen him because of that." Devastation distorted Lily's features. "But he loved you," Regulus continued. "Those were his last words." Regulus remembered perfectly well that in actual fact, James went underwater before he could say it, but he allowed himself to assume. "I think it's why he volunteered. He couldn't choose you and he couldn't live without you."

Lily nodded stiffly.

"I knew we were finished," she whispered. "It's not that. He didn't… he didn't deserve to die like that… you don't know what he was like with me, and how he fought for the Order," she wiped her eyes. "He was good to me, and we had so much fun, and he was so brave - and my child won't have a father…"

It took every ounce of self-control for Severus not to ask Lily what did he deserve, and if she had rather he had drunk the potion instead, and relived everything James did to him, and to not express is extreme skepticism that her happiness would have lasted, given that he was bound to show her his true colors sooner or later. Most of all, he wondered how Lily, who knew the Muggle, could be upset at all that her child was spared having a brute for a father. Severus held his tongue. Acid burned a hole in his stomach; Lily expected him to grieve, he expected himself to be kind and patient, and generous with his sympathy, to extend it to the one who never extended it to him, who saved his life only so that he could continue to have his fun with him. Nobody would have expected Potter to mourn you. He would have thrown a party. Severus excused himself to go make everyone some tea ("Kreacher can do it," Regulus offered, but Severus refused - "I am not completely useless around a stove without an elf, thanks" - it was an excuse to be alone for a few moments, to be alone and remember Potter for who he really was: the one who had everything, but wanted what little I had, too - who never worked hard for anything, whose first and only idea was to get her to hate me, and it worked - thank you for being lying scum, Potter. His hands were on the edges of the sink, and he faced the wall, to not risk anyone seeing him. Without noticing, he clutched at his robe as if keeping it from flapping in the wind, and his face was numb. Let her mourn him in peace, Snivelly , he told himself. It will be the last indignity you ever suffer at his hands.