Whispers 17

'Uncertainty is a terrible thing. How do we survive with that hanging over our heads everyday?'

'Uncertainty is what helps us to grow, shows our courage, and drives us forward. Even Holly, who has an eye into the future, is very uncertain about moving forward, but she does, heart in hand.'

'The truth is that I am not sure I want to know. You could tell me couldn't you Jacob?'

Cathy smiled at the tender exasperation in her husband's eyes. He knew she was on the brink of making a decision that would affect her life, her thinking and her memories.

'KitCAt, we have done this so many times and the answer is always the same. I will see you or Kardin, but I will not have the right sense from either of you. I honestly think you must just move to some place of peace. Let it go or take it in. The choice is yours. Kardin seems willing.'

Cathy smiled at Jacob, seeing in his eyes all the love and care any woman could ever want. She rolled on to her back. Any early morning intimacy with Jacob was always welcome. After a weekend of family-oriented events, their quiet times took on so much meaning. Soon, they would go their own separate ways; Jacob would be leaving for work and Cathy would head out to the Center. She did not want to meet up with Holly, having a head full of ideas and thoughts about an event more than 25 years ago. Holly had made her own peace with Kardin. The less discussion the better.

Her mind, however, could not release one nagging idea. The members of the Clan who inherited the gift of musicality, enjoyed much closer ties. Kardin sang his song with subdued power and passion. Cathy thought that he surprised even himself. Even Meme, with her own superb skills, was mesmerized by the voice. So many thoughts ran through Cathy's head. She wondered to herself, speaking almost aloud, before stopping abruptly and looking at her husband.

'I was off on another tangent, wasn't I?'

'Yes, you were. Look make some arrangements. We will set up a time and place that works for all of us. You are good at doing that too.'

With a quick peck on a flushed cheek, Jacob released her from his arms and sprinted to the bathroom for a long shower. He too had a busy day in front of him. One day per week was set aside for analysis. He would engage with his colleagues using a complex case as the basis for review. His realized that his recent experience with ASMR, when used properly, could be applied as a tool for helping people. He hoped to remove the brash tactics of some defenders and teach them how to engage with defendants, then develop a sense of trust before moving forward with the case. Nothing in the process felt inappropriate. It was merely a change in demeanour.

In a few short months, since their trip to Lake Placid, the young couple had gradually seen their lives take on more meaning, in a mundane way. The limitations of Holly's pregnancy gave each of them the opportunity to use everyday tools for problem solving rather than delving into the gifts which should be saved for extraordinary events. Although their power was once again rising, Jacob knew that at least for the time being there was no challenge facing them beyond the joy of day to day.

Cathy and Aislyn joined Jacob downstairs for breakfast. Vincent was long gone, and Jacob followed soon after, but Catherine and Sue were discussing plans to try and find homes for some of the older children who needed or wanted to get out into the world.

'If you come up with any ideas Cathy, let me know. Life is so difficult all over. Taking in a pre-teen is a challenge many are afraid to take on. Everyone who wants to adopt or foster, prefers babies.'

'I know Mom. It is frustrating. Even the women at the center can hardly cope with their own kids. They have no home and no support. Is Dad worried?'

'He is. Some of the children are fearful of leaving but there are a few that need to move on. Their minds need more stimulation but in different ways.'

'I'll see what I can do or find out.'

Cathy's first plan for the day always included Aislyn but sometimes her daughter preferred to stay home with Sue, especially when Catherine was also home. With a hug and kiss Cathy waved good-bye, smiling at the thought of how independent her daughter had become. She sure has a mind of her own! But then, so did I. It was at that point Cathy made up her mind to meet face to face with Kardin and confront him. Where and how was her only dilemma and one that was soon solved by a phone call from her grandmother.

'Cathy I am so excited. I sent a message to Das and he has agreed to meet and sing for me. I sent him a written score…. he tells me he can't read music….Mon Dieu!… but he learns by rote. I had to send the words and a recording of the song.'

The excitement in Helen's voice was palpable. Cathy knew how much the presentation would mean to her and ultimately to Howard. 'When and where are you planning to meet? At the Apartment?'

'No, he invites us to come to his home in New Jersey. He says it is just across the river, whatever that means. He has a piano and studio area where we can meet and practice. I will ask Ledgister to take us if that's ok with you?'

Cathy took a deep breath in before giving an affirmative response. Events were moving beyond her control. The idea would still have to be ok with Jacob. He may want Rob to do the driving but that was yet to be decided.

As it turned out, Jacob was not against the adventure. 'This past year has been full of them.' He announced. 'I only ask that you leave Aislyn and perhaps take Cilla.'

Cathy was not taken aback by the suggestion. She really did not want to take Aislyn into any situation which might compromise her development. Cilla, who had structured her own mental world, would be another set of eyes and ears beyond the obvious. Later that day when Holly came to work, Cathy was open and honest about the plan.

'My Dad is evolving. If this works out for him, all the better for his soul. There is nothing more for me to say. We, you me and Jacob, are ok now.' Holly hesitated slightly before moving on. 'If I sensed for one minute that danger lay ahead, I would say so.' Holly stared straight into the eyes of her sister, waiting for a confirming nod. 'Cilla will be pleased. Have you decided what day?'

'Tomorrow. The less time I am forced to think about it, the better!'

…

Jacob also received a surprising text message. Sabrina and Iain had been successful in pitching their unique and wholly organic herbs to a company making essential oils. Their premises had been inspected and the final product tested for any signs of contamination. The 'all clear' message was simple and held the promise of a great partnership. The text referred Jacob to an email. He suspected it would contain legal documents for a second opinion but, in fact, the contents surprised him.

Jacob,

Thank you so much for sharing the intimacy of your 'below' world with us. We understand the meaning and importance of such a place for many. We both wished for such a welcoming site when we were on our own journeys. Truth is that we saw so many faces of children who need or want parents. The burden of loving so many takes a toll. We watched carefully as you and your father offered that loving kindness to those orphans. You know our story already. If there is any chance that we could extend that same love to one of the children, we would be happy to do so if the committee agrees.

We will wait to hear from you,

Sabrina and Iain.

Jacob was mildly surprised but deeply heartened. In a later conversation with the couple he was expecting them to seek out an infant but listened carefully while Sabrina spoke from the heart.

'Jacob, I am still grieving the loss of our baby. Nothing made me happier than to see the babies benefit from my donation, but my heart is not ready yet to take that journey. We would be happy though to offer a loving home to an older child. Just let us know what we need to do.'

'I will and I thank you on behalf of some lucky kid. Give me a chance to speak with my father and the council. I will get back to you as soon as I can.'

At the end of the day, as Jacob and Cathy related their experiences to Vincent and Catherine, the young couple felt awed by the way in which life can give moments of peace.

'I wish it could be like this always Jacob. The children below are living testament that we can get into a bubble sometimes, not of our own making. Do you have any idea who touched their heart?'

'Even though it's painful to contemplate, I think Riley might have the upper hand. I saw a connection between him and Sabrina. He will be easy to place. We know that both his parents have passed.'

'I am a little surprised that she didn't want a baby. She gazed at them so lovingly.'

'I think Cathy, it is too early to consider that they may be replacing their lost child. In time they may come back but for now, we can be grateful for this opportunity for at least one of the kids. By the way, have you decided about tomorrow?'

'I will definitely leave Aislyn with you and Sue if that's ok. I would move heaven and earth to protect my daughter, but I don't want to have do it with her in my arms.'

Catherine smiled. 'It's always a treat to have her, as you know. We may spend the afternoon below with Vincent.'

'I will come home early tomorrow as well. I want to be close in case of anything. I am going to ask Rob to drive with you. I trust Ledgister but he is man with a soft heart.'

'Don't you think I can fight for myself if I have to?'

Catherine and Vincent stared at their son, waiting for his answer. Amusement edged the corner of their eyes.

'You are more than capable but you can't drive. If you need to make a quick getaway and Ledgister is down, what do you do?'

'Well I…..would….um….ok, but just so you know I can take care of myself.'

Jacob mumbled something under his breath. Only Vincent heard the words. He knew Cathy wasn't really angry, but she loved to be challenged. Jacob is the right man for her in every way, he thought. They have grown beautifully into husband and wife.

Later that night, safe in the comfort of his arms, Cathy whispered a soft thank you into Jacob's ear.

'What's that for?'

'You know what for. I am scared out of my wits about tomorrow, but I can't let it get hold of me.'

'I know you will fight tooth and nail to protect everything you love if you have to. However, some practical issues may escape you in the moment. Just so you know, I will be here, listening for the sound of your voice. If I do not like what I hear, I will be at your side in a heartbeat.'

'You know what I think? You have a way with words. I think you should write the music of my life.'

After a deep and loving kiss, they settled into a comforting sleep.

…

Cathy was up early with Aislyn and Jacob. She fed, talked, and joked with their daughter knowing they would have a long day apart. The plan was to work at the center for the morning session. Her grandmother would pick her up there before going on to Kardin's home. Cathy was not sure where they would end up. She only knew of one house located in one of the Boroughs. She had no idea why determining the exact location was not part of her planning but acknowledged that knowing less, meant less worry. However convoluted her thinking, she held onto an air of anticipation.

Leaving the house with Jacob brought on a little nostalgia. She was reminded of their early days when she was at work or school and they often travelled together. Holding hands, they left the house looking much like the carefree couple they once were. She waved goodbye to Rob, who was waiting outside in case he was needed. Jacob declined the offer of a drive in to work. He decided to revisit the subway system that used to be their main means of transport.

Cathy agreed. She did not need Carl or Rob to follow her and Jacob. Wherever Aislyn was, she was to be their primary concern. Carl would handle security at the Centre while Rob was away. By then, Aislyn would be safe below. With those concerns resolved, she thoroughly enjoy the ride with Jacob, parting company at one of the transfer points with a kiss and a promise to stay in touch. At times, during the morning, she wavered but lunch time brought her grandmother's smiling face, Ledgister, Holly and Rob, almost at the same time. Cilla was unable to come because of a class presentation which she did not want to miss. Cathy thought it just as well. Trauma to children can come in many ways. Cilla already had enough to last a lifetime.

Their departure was delayed while Hélène fussed over her new grandson and chatted a bit with Holly but as a master of her craft, an appointment meant business. Mémé would not allow herself to be late, no matter how casual the meeting. There was only time for a quick hug from her sister before they were on the way.

Rob was enthralled with the workings of the electric car, privately owned by the Howard. The men got to talking and left the women to catch up in the back seat of the vehicle. They were well on their way before Cathy realized that she still did not know where she was going.

'Jersey Ma'am.'

'How long will it take to get there?'

'It's not that far. Relax. Any problem with bridges or tunnels?'

'Nope.'

Ledgister smiled and carried on. Somehow Cathy just felt comfortable. She resumed the conversation with her grandmother, hearing the story of the first time she too travelled in the luxurious car.

'And Rob was in on that?'

'Yes, he was but it all worked out. Howard, Ledgister, and I had a wonderful Christmas as you know, and here we are today.'

Cathy's mind went back to that day when Hélène left New York to return home to Montreal. Hard to believe how far they had come in such a short space of time.

…..

The gates to the luxurious mansion opened readily. Ledgister did not need to announce their arrival. Hidden cameras must abound on the property. They proceeded up the long winding drive. The scent of seawater permeated the air. Cathy breathed in deeply, partly to get a whiff of the less toxic sea air and partly to calm her nerves. It would not be the first time that she was seeing a house built with all the care and design money could buy. She felt a pang of nostalgia and had no idea why. The structure ahead was solid and unlikely to tumble, even in the fiercest earthquake. Pillars at the front gave a sense of the Roman empire era. It did not surprise her that Kardin would think himself a god.

'Are you ok dear?'

'Yes, Mémé. Just thinking too loud.'

Hélène smiled. She knew this journey was a most challenging one for her granddaughter. Kardin did not appear between the pillars as Cathy expected but seemed to come exit from a side entrance below the stairs. He was ready and waiting to open the door as the car stopped. He bent over Hélène's hand like a knight giving homage to his queen. It was a departure from his usual namaste welcome.

'I can't tell you how much it means to have you here Madame. Welcome everyone. Please come inside.'

Cathy dragged behind her grandmother. For a moment she felt as though she stepped back in time. I'll have to ask Jacob about this. Something is weird. Why have a front portico then use an underground doorway?

Inside, they entered a small elevator which took them up to a second floor. The vista from the upstairs window was breathtaking. The perfection of the decorations, paintings, and furniture spoke of a place rarely used but beautifully decorated.

'Come in everyone. Please take a seat.'

The words were hardly out of his mouth before a man and a woman appeared. They pushed a trolly filled with drinks, ice, and goodies to munch on. He invited everyone to partake after their journey.

'We will have an early dinner or late lunch whenever you are hungry but for now, I would like to get down to business. Cathy, I have someone I would like you to meet. If you are interested, she can show you around, unless your grandmother needs you. Rob can accompany you, if you would feel better.'

Kardin said all the right things. 'Yes, as the daughter of an architect, I have to admit to liking structures.'

It was not what she wanted to say but Kardin had shared his thoughts about Freddy's work and events from their childhood. After that revelation, Cathy perused her father's writings and drawings hoping to see something of his work in the house. It was as if Kardin knew. She was not upset and watched as an elderly woman, probably in her eighties, grey haired, with slightly bowed shoulders, appeared. Unlike the other servants, she was not of South Asian descent.

'Muriel….this…is Cathy.'

The old woman made her way forward, hands outstretched. There was no sense of recognition, and yet Kardin's hesitation gave Cathy the impression that they had met before. She stared into the green gold eyes, slightly clouded with cataracts. Muriel, smiled, showing yellowing teeth that were clearly still her own.

'My dear child. You are so beautiful' she said squinting in the light. 'Where is your mother?'

Cathy did not understand the purpose of the question but replied kindly, 'she passed away a few years ago, but here is my grandmother.'

'Ah I see. Pleased to meet you Madame.'

Cathy realized that Kardin may have told Muriel a young woman and her grandmother would be visiting. Perhaps she was confused. Her years certainly suggested that to be the case. The rest of the group were introduced before Cathy, Rob and Muriel were off on a tour. Despite her years, the woman seemed to know everything about every corner of the mansion. She described the purpose of each room, every painting and stick of furniture and its attendant history. They moved from the upper floors to the lower level via another set of stairs. There was a stair chair for Muriel to use. Cathy and Rob followed on foot.

At the bottom, Cathy felt a breeze move past her body. There was no open window she sensed that a spirit had washed over her. She checked her phone. A quick text from Jacob, confirming that he was home with Aislyn, was reassuring. The trio continued moving through the rooms. Cathy felt more and more like she was walking in a dream. Eventually they reached an area that appeared to be the secondary living quarters of the household staff.

Muriel did not linger. She waved at the couple who had served the drinks and were now were busy with food preparation. They exited a door to the outside where a spectacular view of the ocean brought sighs of delight.

Cathy felt a weird sensation wash over her again and wondered 'am I pregnant? I could not be, but I do feel strange'.

"No Cathy its because this place is not strange to you," whispered another voice inside her head. Cathy stopped and closed her eyes. Into the darkened vision came the sight of a little girl standing in the same spot, holding the hand of the same elderly woman at her side.

'How is it possible that I was here before?' she heard herself asking.

'It's best if you speak to Das about that.'

Cathy heard the words, but she did not respond. An energy outside of herself moved her further out from the rear of the building. Her eyes scanned the expansive backyard and its pathway to the ocean. She did not hesitate but walked purposefully forward seeing herself skipping along, pulling on Muriel's arm hoping to get to the water's edge where she could dip her toes then run back screaming because it was so cold. Rob and Muriel stood side by side, both watchful, seeing a transformation take place.

This is where I was. This is who I was. Where was my mother? I was not farmed out to strangers, I was here but why, why, why didn't this make sense to me. Kardin did not send me away. My mother was here but what happened to her?'

When Cathy turned back to face Muriel, she saw a younger version of the woman. Twenty-five years ago, she was a stronger more vital woman but her toothy smile and beautiful eyes had not changed. Walking slowly, she returned to where they were standing.

'Muriel, you took care of me. I used to call you Murmu. You brought me here in the afternoons and walked around the park with me. You were never afraid when I was at the water's edge.'

Another of Cathy's ancestors came to mind. Niamh was a child like me. Loving the water, not afraid to enter its depths, but where was my mother? 'Let's go back.' Cathy blurted out. 'I want to hear Kardin sing.'

Almost unconsciously, she took Muriel's hand, much as she had done as a child. 'We must revisit these moments sometimes Murmu.'

Cathy knew that she didn't call Muriel by that childish appellation due to mispronunciation. The words whisper and murmur were a daily part of her instruction. Someone in the house had been desperately ill and needed peace and quiet to recover. It was only in the gardens that Cathy could sing and run about freely. It had been a complete reversal of her life below.

But who was sick? Where was my mother in all this? Kardin! Cathy knew the story was waiting to be told because she was ready to hear it, without the anger and hate which had raged through her body for years.