All in his Head
Confusion
Kelly didn't visit Matt the day after seeing him in soft restraints, or the day after, and the guilt he felt was immense, but he just couldn't deal with it all. He couldn't see Matt like that, because it wasn't Matt. He was pulled from his thoughts when the doorbell rang. He ignored it, but then came a persistent knocking and before he reached the front door, he heard Shays voice.
"Kelly, you better open this door right now or I'll… well, I'm not leaving, I know you're there so, let me in, all right?"
He opened the door.
"What do you want?" he asked gruffly.
"What do I want? To see if you're all right, I've been calling you and you haven't even bothered to message me back. I'm worried about Matt too," she told him. "Are you going to let me in?"
He stepped aside for her. She headed into the lounge are, Kelly sighed, following her, knowing the mess she was about to discover. She wrinkled her nose as she looked around at the state the house was in, empty beer bottles, dirty dishes on the coffee table and even the floor, throws and pillows that she knew Matt kept meticulously neat had be strewn around, there was some broken glass on the floor, a fist sized hole in the wall and half eaten take away containers.
"You've not slept," she commented, studying him now. There was a worn expression on his face, his eyes were weary, shoulder slumped, and days old stubble on his chin and jaw. "Coffee?" she half-questioned, already heading into the kitchen to make a fresh pot.
Kelly followed her. "Here to judge me?"
"Never," she said simply. "Go shower, I'll give the place a quick tidy."
"No point."
"No point? Won't do Matt any good seeing you like this, and you know he hates mess; everything has a place."
"Don't think he'd care anymore," he retorted.
"He's not always gonna be sick," she told him.
"He's not sick! He's fucking insane!"
Shay remained as calm as ever. "Go shower, I'll tidy up," she instructed.
Kelly left the room and headed towards the staircase begrudgingly. When he returned, Shay had done as she said; the place was almost clean enough for Matts standards.
"You looked better already," Shay told him.
"Was actually quite nice," he admitted. The warm jets of water had washed days of dirt away, he felt cleaner, fresher, and he'd shaved too. He took a fresh mug of coffee from her appreciatively.
"So, what's going on?" she pressed.
"Nothing's changed," he responded.
"It's not going to, he's not gonna magically get better, Kelly."
"I know that, I do," he insisted.
"So what's happened?"
He shook his head slowly. "It's horrible… I can't see him like that…"
"Like what? What happened?"
He sat down on the couch and let out a long breath. "He was begging me to take him home and I walked away. They'd warned me he wasn't having a good day… he'd lashed out, attacked two people, but I thought he was doing all right, he had been doing all right, there'd been some incidents but most the updates were good… I wish I hadn't gone… I wish I hadn't seen him."
"Kelly, he's gonna be up and down, he's gonna be all right and the not all right, but those moments, they will lessen as he gets better, they will," she assured him.
He shook his head. "He's lost so much weight… why isn't he eating?"
"I don't know, but he is in the best place, they are taking care of him," she responded.
"They are, and I think his… his episodes… they have reduced, and he's hardly been there any time at all," he surmised.
"Exactly, just think in a few weeks time, he might be doing even better," she said positively.
"Yeah, yeah," he responded, nodding. "He must be so scared though, I mean, he is scared, but when he's, well, himself, must be horrible to have all this happening… and be in a strange place…"
"That's why it's nice that you're going to keep visiting him," Shay told him.
"I can't see him strapped to a bed again," he said.
"Then make the decision not to, if you can't do that, don't. If he's having a bad day, go later on, or if you get there and something's happened then go home," she suggested.
"Doesn't seem fair, it's Matt, whatever's happening to him… it's Matt, too many people have already hurt. I can't be one of those people. Not if all that is why he's going through this… I knew he was a mess, we joked about his issues and… we joked about it all? Did I do this? Should I have made him talk to me?"
"You know that wouldn't have worked," she said.
"I don't know what to do…"
"Yes you do," she told him. "You're gonna be there for him."
"I'm no good for him."
"He loves you, Kelly. I know you love him. You are good for each other. And this is gonna be hard but you'll both get through it."
"Nothing's going to be the same again…"
"Some things will be."
Matt was frantically trying to move away from the shadows that surrounded him. They were getting closer and closer. Touching him, holding him. He bolted. Something strong held him. There was a sharp pain in his thigh and his movements slowed, like he was trying to move through wet cement. The shadows were all over him again. Then he heard voices. He slammed his hands over his ears, the sound was deafening. Over and over and over again he tried to escape the noise until it became impossible. He couldn't move, and his thoughts faded away into nothingness.
"Thought you said he'd agreed to it?"
"He had…" the nurse said softly. She turned her attention back to Matt, they'd got him back on his bed now the sedation had kicked in, there were tear tracks down his cheeks, his eyes were open but glazed, and his lips were parted, mouth opening and closing every so often but no sound came out. "All right, honey, this won't take long," she told him as she prepped for the NG tube insertion.
Matt's eating habits hadn't improved despite warnings that they would take the matter into their own hands. He insisted that he wasn't hungry, but he had lost a dramatic amount of weight, and the lack of nutrition wasn't doing his mental health any good either. He had accepted it when they'd told him they'd be giving him an NG tube to make sure he got all the calories and nutrition he needed, but as soon as they'd started to prepare him for the short procedure, he'd freaked, hitting his own head and clambering away from the nurse and her assistant.
He still resisted even with the sedation as the NG tube was inserted, but the orderly held him still. Once it was done the nurse made sure it was in the correct position, she then started his first feed before tidying up. She remained in the room with him after the orderly had gone, waiting for him to come around from the mild sedation. It didn't take long.
Less than an hour after they were satisfied Matt had come around from the sedation, he pulled out the tube, they'd seen it from the video monitor. He'd been sitting on the edge of the bed, rocking back and forth slowly and out of nowhere pulled the long tube out.
The nurse paged the doctor and went back to his room, knocking briefly before entering. Matt was still sitting on the bed, tube in his hands, tears and snot on his face.
"Hey, Matt, what d'you do that for, hey?" she asked him softly, looking at the NG tube.
He looked up at her wordlessly.
"This needs to stay in, honey, we spoke about it, remember?"
He didn't respond.
"Matt?"
His eyes wandered away from her.
"Matt, can you hear me?" she asked him as the doctor arrived.
"You need a restraint order?" the doctor asked as he came into the room.
"Mittens," she told the man, stepping towards him. "He pulled out his NG tube."
"He's been combative today, I already signed for the Versed, won't be safe to just use mittens, what do you think?"
"He's calmed down with the meds, just don't want him to pull out the tube again," she responded, glancing at Matt.
"Gotta stick with state laws, for his safety, he'll need the restraints as well, we should be able to remove them pretty quickly," the doctor said before heading over to Matt who hadn't appeared to be taking any notice of them. "Matt, we need to reinsert your NG tube, I don't want you to pull it out again, will you try to, or are you calm now?"
Matt paid him no attention.
"Matt?"
"He's been unresponsive since I came in," the nurse said.
"Matt, can you hear me? Matthew?"
Matt snapped to attention. "Huh… sorry… what?" he said quietly, looking down when he felt something warm spreading between his legs. "Oh… sorry…"
They looked down at Matts grey joggers, discovering a spreading wet patch.
The nurse placed a hand on his arm. "It's ok, Matt. Accidents happen. Are you feeling unwell?" she asked.
"I… I… I… fine…"
"Do you know where you are?" she asked.
Matt opened his mouth, and closed it again, making a guttural sound as he did. He opened and closed it again, staring at the nurse.
"Can you tell me your name?"
Matt just continued to open and close his mouth, lips never closing. A strand of drool trickled down his chin as he continued to stare at the nurse, head cocked at an angle that didn't look at all comfortable.
"Tell me your name?" the nurse asked again as the doctor looked on, waiting for a reaction.
Matts right hand moved, knocking against his leg rhythmically. He blinked and his eyes focused. "Sorry… wha… happen…" He swallowed and tried again. "Sorry, what's happening?"
"Where'd you go?"
He frowned, hand still moving rhythmically. "Where?"
"Can you tell me your name?" she asked him
He was still frowning as he responded. "Matt."
"Where are you?"
"Mental hospital…" he said with an eye roll.
"You pulled out your NG tube," she told him.
Matt didn't respond. He couldn't remember being given one, he could remember agreeing to one, but as hard as he thought, he had no recollection of getting one.
"Matt?"
"I… I don't…" He was shaking his head.
"You don't remember?"
He looked at them, teary eyed, and then he realised something else. He looked down and confirmed his thoughts; he'd pissed himself. "Why…" he began, struggling. "Why aren't I better? Getting better?"
"You've been here less than a fortnight, Matt," the doctor spoke.
"Turning into mom… worse than mom… can't let me leave… I'll kill someone…"
"Do you want to kill someone?" the doctor asked.
"No…"
"I didn't think so," the man responded.
"You can't let me go…"
"You're here, and you're safe, and wouldn't kill anyone if you weren't here,"
"Killed Andy. Saw him burn. Can still smell it."
"Andy's death was an accident," the doctor responded. They'd spoken about his death in their sessions at great length; it was something laying heavily in his mind.
"Killed dad…" he added quietly.
"Your mom killed your dad," the doctor stated.
"Because of me."
"Why do you say that?"
"She told me…" he whispered.
The nurse glanced a worried look to the doctor. Her heart ached for Matt, hearing what he was saying now.
"What did she tell you?" the doctor pressed.
"She did it to save me," he answered.
"Because your dad was hurting you?"
"He loved me," he said.
"He put you in hospital more than once… fractured skull, broken ribs, broken arm, multiple bruises, and that's just what I can remember off the top of my head."
His shook his head. "My fault."
"Why was it your fault?"
"I was an accident, they only wanted one child… and I… I was different…"
"Different?" the man questioned.
"I liked boys… everyone hated that… I tried to like girls… in the group homes when they found out… I… they… I tried… I really tried to like girls…"
"What happened, Matt?"
"I want to go home," he said adamantly.
"I know, and you will be able to eventually," the doctor reassured him.
"I need to leave… I can't do this…"
Later that day Matt tried to hurt himself once the restraints were removed. He was completely aware of his actions. He wasn't delusional, he wasn't having a hallucination. He just wanted it all to end. He wasn't himself anymore. He had spent several hours realising there was no chance he'd be able to get out of the building, and he couldn't get hold of anything that could cause himself any harm, so he did the next best thing. He asked to use the bathroom, saying he wanted a shower. There were no cameras in the shower stalls.
He turned the shower on, then slammed his head against the tiled wall until he became dizzy.
"Almost done in there, Matt?"
He wanted to respond, he knew he should respond, he needed to so there was no suspicious, but he couldn't find the words and the world around him was fading in and out.
"Matt?"
His body slumped onto the wall, too dizzy and weak to continue. He'd ruined everything. He couldn't even hurt himself properly. He'd be taken back to his room, he'd have another episode, the voices would come back and he'd be lost to the world again. He wanted out, and he'd just failed.
TBC