CHAPTER 20

"You did what? What the fuck is wrong with you, Casey?! What were you thinking, for Christ's sake?!" Kelly stood with his hands on his hips, looking down at his best friend. Matt was a Captain and a superior officer to Kelly's lieutenant, but the man that was sitting on the couch with his head in his hands looked nothing like the smart, level headed, stalwart man he had come to know over the past eight years.

"I wasn't thinking, Kelly. That's the problem. After I saw Maddy and Walker together, all I wanted to do was get back at her. I couldn't have stopped myself, even if I'd had the inclination. I just wanted to make her feel the way I felt," said Matt, barely speaking above a whisper. He kept his head bowed low, unable to look at Kelly in the eye.

"Did you even bother to ask Maddy about what you saw? Did you talk to her at all about it?" asked Kelly, sounding more exasperated and angry.

"No, I didn't. I barely spoke to her all weekend. Seeing the two of them kissing like that...Jesus, what was I supposed to think?" said Matt, finally lifting his head to look at his friend.

"The Matt Casey I know would have thought that there was a logical explanation for it. He would have trusted his wife to know that she would never betray him. He would have loved her enough to realize that she would be the last person in the world to hurt him like that. Jesus Christ, man...where was your fucking head?" said Kelly.

"I know what I saw, Kelly. Two people don't share a kiss like that unless they've been intimate. He acted like he was her lover, lifting her up and pawing at her like a damn animal and she let him do it,," said Matt, putting his head back in his hands. Kelly had never seen him look so defeated. Even though he knew Matt's heart was breaking, he also knew that Maddy wouldn't have slept with Walker. It just wasn't in her nature to hurt people and she loved Matt too much to do that to him.

"Did you ever consider the fact that Maddy and Walker were once married, that they used to be intimate and that they have a child together? They have a history, for Christ's sake! Maybe what you saw was nothing more than two comfortable strangers saying goodbye. Did you ever think of that?" Matt shook his head. "The two of you need to talk before shit gets real."

"Shit's already gotten real. She didn't come home last night. When I got off shift, I came straight here. There was no sign that she'd come back to the house after she ran out. I called her Dad and he told me that Maddy called him last night to tell him she was taking the next few days off," said Matt.

"Have you tried calling her?"

"At least fifty times in the last eighteen hours. She doesn't answer her phone," said Matt.

"Can you blame her?" Matt shook his head again. "Do you love her, Matt?"

"Maddy? Of course I do," said Matt, sounding surprised that Kelly would ask him that.

"No, man...I meant Gabby. Do you still love her?"

"No, Kelly. I don't love Gabby."

"But you left work in the middle of the afternoon to meet up with her. How do you explain that?"

Matt could feel his temper start to rise. In his mind, he had caught his wife and her first husband cheating and he was fed up with being interrogated and made to feel guilty over having done the same thing with his ex-wife.

"You know what, Severide? Now that I think about it, you used to fuck my wife once upon a time. You're too close to the subject and unless you're on my side, get the fuck out of my house!" screamed Matt at his friend, yanking the front door open and motioning for Kelly to leave.

"You're fucking unbelievable, man," muttered Kelly as he exited the house. Matt watched as he pulled away. He closed the door and walked out through the kitchen and exited through the back door. He had a construction job across town and needed to load his truck with a few tools and other supplies from the garage. He was looking forward to pounding several hundred nails into the deck he would be building. It would keep him from pounding on Kelly or anyone else who tried to tell him what he saw. More importantly, it would keep him from beating the shit out of Jackson Walker. That sonofabitch had better keep his distance. Even though Walker towered over him by at least five inches and outweighed him by more than fifty pounds, he wouldn't think twice about giving him a strong right hook to his jaw. Matt knew he needed to talk to Maddy at some point, but she hadn't returned any of his phone calls. He thought for a moment about what she must be thinking and feeling right now. His plan to exact revenge had backfired and now he was faced with the cold, stark reality that Maddy may want a divorce. Seeing her holding onto Walker like a cat on a tree had riled him up to the point of blind rage, which ultimately led to him making his own mistake. He hadn't considered that until just this second. His anger suddenly subsided and was replaced by feelings of guilt and overwhelming sadness. Underneath the anger that pervaded him, he realized what he already knew to be true...he loved his wife and didn't want to lose her. He reached into his pants pocket and pulled out his cell phone. He dialed Maddy's number and held his breath. It rang a dozen times, then went to voicemail, just like all the other times he'd called.

As he was rummaging through the large red tool case that stood in the back corner of his garage, he heard a car pull into his driveway. He walked up to the open garage door and peered out to see Maddy's black Cadillac behind his truck. He immediately dropped the nail gun he was holding and bolted up the back steps and into the house.

I closed the front door behind me and went straight up the stairs to our bedroom. The moment my hand touched the door knob, I felt physically sick. The memory of seeing Matt with that bitch in my bed kept creeping into my head, making me unable to open the door and step inside. It was no longer the private sanctuary where Matt and I shared each other's triumphs and failures, our hopes and dreams, our bodies...everything. It had morphed into a symbol of Matt's ultimate betrayal. Any guilt I felt for letting Jace kiss me had flown out the window with my trust and sense of security. My family was slowly unraveling and I didn't know how to stop it. I backed away from our bedroom door and walked into Finn's room. I opened his closet to retrieve his little fire truck suitcase to pack a few things in it.

"Maddy? Where are you?." I could hear Matt's voice calling me from downstairs, followed by his footsteps taking the stairs two at a time until he suddenly appeared in the doorway of Finn's room.

"So that's it, then? You're just gonna leave me?" He asked, sounding incredulous.

"Very perceptive of you, Matt. Yeah, I'm leaving. I don't want to be in this house a minute longer than I have to be," I said as I shoved Finn's blanket and a few outfits of his into the case.

"I'm not gonna let you go."

"Get out of my way, Matthew," I said. He was standing with his hands on his hips, using his body to block the doorway of Finn's room to keep me from leaving.

"Not until you talk to me, Maddy," Matt replied.

"I can't even look at you right now, so if you think I'm going to be able to sit down and talk to you without wanting to rip your heart out, you're delusional," I said. "I need to get as far away from you as possible."

"I'm not gonna let you take Finn to Texas, if that's what you're thinking. I'll fight you with everything I have in me."

"Don't be ridiculous. I'm not going to Texas, for Christ's sake! Besides, you're in no position to threaten me. You're the one that ripped our family apart...not me and definitely not Jace Walker."

"Oh, really? Because that little show I witnessed on Saturday morning between you and Walker told me a different story, Maddy," he said.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I was becoming increasingly exasperated and impatient with him.

"You were on the porch in your nightie and he was half dressed. His pants were still unbuckled, for Christ's sake! I know you fucked him, don't deny it!"

"Oh my God, you're unbelievable! Nothing happened, Matthew. I have more regard for you and for our marriage than that, unlike you and that bitch," I said.

"I wouldn't say nothing happened..a fucking kiss happened! I saw it, Maddy! The two of you were all over each other," he said, his face turning red.

"And that's somehow worse than me finding you with your bare ass in the air, plugging that whore in our bed? Explain that to me, Matthew," I asked. He stood there silent.

"Just as I thought...you've got nothing. For the record, what you saw was two people who care about each other saying goodbye and getting the closure they both needed. Yeah, he kissed me and I didn't stop him. He's lost so goddamn much in his life that I allowed him that much, Matthew. It was nothing more than that in spite of what you think you saw. Jace has more respect for me than that," I said.

"But he has no fucking respect for me at all," said Matt.

"If that's true, then you have no one to blame but yourself. You treated him like shit at every opportunity and even then, he still treated you decently," I said.

"Right, because Jace Walker's motives are always above board, aren't they? He can do no wrong in your eyes."

"You fucking hypocrite! You told me over and over that Dawson took your balls when you were married to her and you were well aware of how she shit all over me at every opportunity, yet you still think the sun shines out of her ass," I hissed.

"That's not true, Maddy. I'm very aware of how Gabby acted while she and I were married and how she treated you," said Matt.

"Yeah? Well, guess what, Matt? I've been remembering a lot about how Jace treated me while he and I were married and you're pulling a distance second right now," I said, fully intending to hurt him but feeling bad almost immediately that I said it when I saw the wounded look on his face.

You're staying with him, aren't you? Why, Maddy? What's so goddamn special about him?"

"He's willing to pick up the pieces of what you broke. He's done it once before, if you recall."

"That's not fair, Maddy, and you know it. I was just a kid who didn't know where he was going to end up after my father died and my mother went to prison," he said.

"Yeah, I've heard it all before, Matt. At least Jace has a better excuse for disappearing from my life and not contacting me. He was there for me the first time you hurt me and he's there for me now."

"Of course he is because he wants you back," he said.

"Knock it off, Matt...and just for the record, I could ask you the same thing about Gabby Dawson. What's so goddamn special about her that you'd risk breaking up our marriage?"

"You drew first blood, Maddy! I saw what I saw," he said.

"Think whatever you want, Matt. I don't really care. If you want to compare the kiss that Jace and I shared to what you and that goddamn firehouse carnival ride did just so you can justify it in your head, go ahead. I can't stop you. You fucked her, Matthew. I saw what I saw, too and you can't deny that. What hurts the most is that you had to do it in our bed. The bed where you make love to me...the bed where Finn was conceived...you didn't even have the decency to go to a hotel. In our goddamn bed, Matthew! How could you?" I hated myself for crying in front of him, but I couldn't stop the tears from coming.

"I'm so sorry, Maddy," he said, his demeanor suddenly becoming more quiet and morose.

"I'm sorry, too...sorry for always believing that you would never hurt me, sorry for thinking that you could never do to me the things that Stephen Gage had done, sorry for being duped into thinking that you were different." I managed to push past him and head down the stairs. Matt ran down after me and caught me by the arm just as I was opening the front door.

"That's right...run to him. Jace Walker, the big war hero with one leg."

"He may only have one leg, but he's more of a man to me than you are right now...now let go of me," I said defiantly, suddenly not caring anymore if my words hurt him.

"For what it's worth, Maddy...I do love you." His tone softened. His grip on my arm loosened.

"It's not worth shit. You always say that a person's character is defined by their actions. At least now I know what your true character is," I yanked my arm away from him, pulled open the door and slammed it behind me. I threw the suitcase in the back seat of the car, then slid in behind the wheel. I sat there for several minutes, looking up at the house. It didn't even look like our house anymore. It had turned into something else. A huge monument to Matt's infidelity. I had no idea when or if I would ever be back, other than to get more of my and Finn's belongings.

"Goddamn you to hell, Matthew!" I screamed. I covered my face with my hands and began to cry. I started the car and put it in reverse, briefing glancing at the house before backing out of the driveway. Matt was standing on the front porch with his arms hanging limply at his sides. He looked completely defeated and I took some joy in that. I prayed that watching me drive away from the life we shared would make him realize just how much damage he had done.