Second Person, Twenty-Five
You're not sure how the topic came up, or why confessed you had once been pregnant with Mark Sloan's baby. But you did. And in front of Mark, Derek, Callie, Izzie, Cristina, Alex, George and Meredith Grey, no less. This day was going to be a hard day. And you are craving chocolate, now, again.
It probably started when there was a patient who was admitted who had a teen pregnancy. Obviously, you were called in, to help, along with Izzie Stevens. She talked about giving a kid up when she got pregnant at fifteen, and you really respected her honesty.
Then Cristina talked about how she got pregnant from Burke and hated it, how she was going to have an abortion but never went through with it only because she had an ectopic pregnancy. Cristina thanks you for saying her life, and you thank her for living by her values. (You also want to yell at Preston Burke for being mad about that, but you don't).
And George talks about how he doesn't want a baby now, but he might someday, and how it was such an honor to be there while Bailey's baby was being born. And Callie Torres sort of vaguely talks to George about how she might also want to have her own kids someday...
Alex Karev says he wants kids only if he has a good mother along with him and that he shapes up to be a good dad. Callie says that he seems like the kind of guy who might someday barbecue and he thanks her for that, and also confesses he once slept with Callie before Callie met George, and George is jealous over that.
And then Derek is there and saying that at one point he was sort of trying to have kids with you, but that never had worked out. And then you confess, in tears, how you had gotten pregnant and you found out pretty much just after Derek had left you in New York.
And then Mark and Derek both know almost immediately it was Mark's because you had not had sex with Derek in years by that point, and Derek is hurt you had sex with Mark and not him, and he doesn't know the reason. And Mark knows that you're gay, and he's hurt because you hid the baby from him.
And then Meredith Grey asks you very gently what happened with the baby because you don't seem to have a child unless you're hiding that from everyone. And then you tell them that you ended it, before telling Mark or Derek, and you still hate yourself a bit for it, even though it's still what you would have wanted.
And Meredith looks so sad for you, and she's giving you a look like she wants to hold you in her arms as you did the other day. But you can't in front of everyone, so you just sit there and Mark puts an arm around you but you brush him off. Then Callie goes to do this but you see George look at you with a bit of jealousy so you shrug her off, too.
And then eventually Richard Webber appears with Preston Burke and summons Mark and Derek on a case. And both of the men of your past give you a look that says "we will talk about this later with you," and you already know they will talk about it with each other.
And then Bailey comes eventually to summon all the interns again for another case. And you notice that Meredith Grey, probably by accident, says she'll come in a minute because she has to get her stethoscope from her locker, first.
Except as soon as Bailey walks away you find out Meredith was lying. She pulls it out a little from her pocket as she suggests you go get a chocolate doughnut from the coffee cart together. So you sneak out to get them as she hides in the washroom from Bailey.
And Meredith eats fast because she doesn't have much time at all. And you savor yours slowly because you haven't been paged in yet. And she's looking at you like she knows you want to talk about it and you do and that helps you.
And Meredith wraps her arms around you, and you wrap your arms around you back. And you sit there hiding in one of the single-stall washrooms eating doughnuts near the back of it. And you sit there until you finally tell her you wanted to try having sex with a man one more time (to see if it's just that you and Derek are completely sexually incompatible).
It's a mostly-truth, and she accepts this, and she asks what it was like for you. And you say "not that great" because it's true, it was only okay because he was talking about women, and all the times you did it with him it was just about experimenting to see if you could turn yourself straight.
And then Meredith says she's sad for you because you never knew yet what great sex feels like. And you ask her what sex with a woman is like because you know she's 'done it' with other girls before. And you ask this even as your self-destructive mind hates you for it because you want to punch out all those other girls she's been with, even though you didn't even know Meredith, back then.
And Meredith says to you she really liked it, it was lovely, and that she misses it sometimes. You don't ask her more than that, because you know if she starts to describe it or if she says more about how she's nostalgic for the girl-on-girl naked things that it might end up with your hands down each other's pants.
And you don't want that to happen like this while she still with your ex-husband. Even if you and her being in this confined space talking about lesbian sex is making your heart pound out of your chest and your hands all clammy and your vision fuzzy all over again.
And you wonder if she feels it too, not even from you, just as an autonomic reaction from her body because she is also attracted to girls. She asks you if you have even kissed a girl ever? And you say no because it's the truth. And you are sad about it. And she can tell you're sad about it.
And then she's giving you a look that is compassionate and you're terrified and exhilarated and overjoyed and heartbroken and all and everything else when you open your eyes in a panic at the way Meredith Grey is looking at you. You know that look, somehow. It's the ultimate look of true and true steadfast friendship.
Meredith Grey, your crush, your current unrequited lover, looks at you like she wants to kiss you, just as your friend, just because she likes you like that, likes you a lot and cares for you as one of her very, very, very, closest friends, who she shares her emotional and intimate self with, and nothing more.
Meredith Grey looks at you, in the bathroom of Seattle Grace Hospital, sitting on the floor next to discarded chocolate doughnuts, like she wants to give you this as a gift, as your little secret, just this once today, just so you don't die not knowing what kissing a girl feels like for you...
And you kind of want it, but you kind of don't, because you know it wouldn't be for real.
And you're not totally sure or not sure if Meredith is actually going to kiss you, but you sort of feel the vibes that she wants to try to.
As if Meredith wants to give this part of her body to you, even if she says she still loves Derek, because she says she loves you as a friend, and that as a friend she loves you, too.
Meredith says to you, at that moment, that as her friend she wants to make you happy, and she thinks this might make you happy and she doesn't really care what Derek thinks right now while she is here with you right now.
And you're almost certain she is leaning in as you brace your back against the back of the bathroom door.
But then there is a bang on the bathroom door, the same one you are leaning on. And it rattles your eyes open and it causes both of you to shriek a bit.
It turns out it's the parent of a 5-year-old who really needs the potty.
So you leap up and let the mom and kid through, and then you look at each other again with wide eyes and many questions and no answers.
But your staring is interrupted too, by Bailey finally finding Meredith as she pulls out her stethoscope and expertly lies to her to tell her that you'd helped her find it in the bathroom.
And Bailey sighs and says "Okay, Grey, go and see the patient, now."
And then Bailey eyes you and says "Addison, there's another consult waiting for you in the ER."
And those are in different directions so you nod at Bailey and look back longingly at your very, very, very close friend Meredith Grey.
And you're almost sure from her expression that she really was about to kiss you even though it would be cheating on Derek Shepherd.
And you're so bewildered that you hate yourself for not being sure if you're more disappointed or relieved that kissing Meredith Grey in the bathroom never happened, today, for you both, after chocolate doughnuts, after all.
-Addison Montgomery
In her personal diary. As she can't stop licking her lips and picturing what Meredith's would have tasted like wrapped around hers, laced with chocolate icing from the donuts that you both had shared.
****** END OF CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Author's Note:
So, what do you think about this, folks?
How do you feel about Meredith wanting to kiss Addison, out of compassion for her friend, while she is seeing Derek?
How do you feel about Addison's conflicted feelings about wanting it but also not wanting it?
LET ME KNOW IN THE COMMENTS!
This was a special chapter to write.
bobbiejelly
And of course, onto the dedications:
Ao3:
LordOfLezzies you are the MVP for commenting on EVERY CHAPTER! Thanks to Arahneia for the lovely words and Also, of course, thanks to AddisonAddek and LordOfLezzies, all on Ao3
AddisonAddek for wanting more and commenting (a heck-ton) today, plus LordOfLezzies (also, because you're super) and Hotgitay who commented on Chapter 1.
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Fanfiction:
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Wattpad:
Comments and suggestions from Eleven_256, and naylorholby always make my day.
Thanks for the most WONDERFUL shout-out comment from JordynMarie05.
myfairlilymunster for the comments on Chapter 1.
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Also THANKS to everyone else who reads this someday, and to a friend in 'real-life' who beta'ed this for me. Much love.
Ps. A new Chapter of this is up! #44: Falling Apart, Barely Breathing
bobbiejelly