A/N: No excuses, only apologies. So, SORRY! This long of a hiatus wasn't planned but at the very least this and the next chapter are done, so you got something to look forward to in the coming weeks. These two are the longest chapters yet, both being over 8k, so bring some time ;)
We are actually blown away by your enthusiasm and support for this story and how you are still here, waiting for updates when they take longer than Sheila's pregnancy.
A very special "this chapter wouldn't exist without you" Thank You goes to the brilliant Aimee (aimeevalle1) who had to talk us off the ledge quite a few times.
We've also added the insanely talented Jess (Ipaulsenspecter /darveymanips) to our team. It's mind-blowing how perfectly her creations fit our story in general and with her getting a sneak peek of the chapters now, we hope for some exclusive manips based on them *wink wink* *nudge nudge*.
You can check out her newest pics of our favorite family, plus other inspirational images on the 'Labor of Love' Instagram board (laboroflovefic) tomorrow.
Okay, this was longer than intended - (almost as long as our hiatus). Thank you for sticking with the story and now, ENJOY!
Chapter 17
**Donna's POV**
Lizzie's stirring rouses me from my already restless sleep. My eyes are heavy and slightly sticky and I have a hard time opening them. This wasn't the first time I cried while sleeping and it surely won't be the last. That's what happens when you fall in love with someone who is unable to commit.
I reach out to Lizzie in the bedside bassinet, hoping she will allow me another minute to gather myself, but my hand finds a cold and empty mattress. I sit up with a start and my eyes fly open.
My heart is ready to jump out of my chest as I frantically look around the dark room.
And then I see him. Next to the door stands Harvey with Lizzie in his arms and a sheepish look on his face.
"Hey," he says casually as if he didn't just take years off my life with this stunt.
I lean against the headboard and press my hands to my chest, willing my heartbeat to slow down.
"Where are you going?" I croak out. "She's hungry."
"She's also wet. I'll have her back in a few minutes. Close your eyes again." And then he's gone.
Not seeing the point, I just get in a more comfortable sitting position and enjoy the silence around me. A silence that soon gets interrupted by a voice coming from the baby monitor on my bedside table. Harvey must have taken the transmitter with him so I would hear them if I woke up before he came back.
"Hey, my little Lizzie Bear, did you also do a stinky, or did you leave that one for mommy?" I hear the flaps of the diaper open and Harvey growls lowly. "No, left it for Daddy, of course. But that's okay. I still love you. Stinky diapers and all." Harvey pauses for a moment and when he speaks again there is something in his voice that I can't quite make out. "I never thought I could love someone as much as I love you. Didn't even know I could feel like this at all. How am I supposed to leave you?"
Lizzie lets out a dissatisfied squeal as if speaking from my own soul.
"I know! Daddy feels the same. I don't want to leave you. But I have to go back. You have your mommy and Auntie Rachel, and I guess the traitor Mike too, and they will look after you. Just like I will have to look after the firm back home. I won't be here for all your bedtimes, but I will call you every chance I get, okay? Maybe Daddy can learn a song that he can sing to you."
Having heard enough, I turn the monitor off. I knew he was leaving. Even went to bed with the image of Lizzie and me being alone stuck in my head. I knew it was coming. It still hits differently, hearing it being confirmed.
Less than a minute later, the two return to the bedroom. Harvey hands Lizzie over and then steps out of the jeans he was still wearing before getting into bed himself.
I unclip the front of my nursing nightie, and with an appetite that she could have only inherited from Harvey, she starts nursing the second I have her on my breast, her eyes dropping closed from time to time. The room is silent apart from the continuous sucking noise Lizzie makes.
As I switch breasts, I realize why Harvey has been unusually quiet since his return, he's fast asleep, turned towards me, with one of his hands lying just shy of my hip.
The pressure on my breast subsides and I look down.
"Looks like it isn't just Daddy who needs to catch up on some sleep, is it?" I snicker at Lizzie who fell back to sleep mid-sucking. I try burping her for a minute, concerned she may have just swallowed a lot of air with her lazy sucking, but not much comes out.
I place her in the bassinet and turn back around to Harvey's side of the bed. He really has a side now. Not something I had ever thought would happen when I bought the house or the bed. Or even when I asked Mike to call him.
But just as he weaseled his way into my heart all these years ago, he made his way into my bed now. Gradually, quietly, but consistently, until I woke up one day and wondered how I ever lived without him in my life. And just when I thought I had it all, I find myself alone again.
Even though he is still lying beside me, he couldn't feel further away. Just like on that cloudy morning in my sticky and strawberry strained sheets, or that star-filled night in my living room after an unexpected declaration of love, or right here and now, at dawn in a quiet house with only his voice resounding in my head "And what if I don't want to try."
~oOo~
The next time I open my eyes it is almost three hours later. Harvey is still breathing deeply beside me and I take a minute to just watch him. He looks adorable and the most unkempt I have ever seen him. Hair sticking up to all sides as if he had constantly run his hands through it. He is in need of a haircut and maybe even a shave. I had never seen Harvey with a beard before, facial hair not going with his slick persona, but I must admit that it's growing on me. He looks less like a lawyer and more like a dad.
This right here is all I ever wanted. The life I imagined on those lonely nights at the DAs office or when we started at Pearson Hardman. Back when I still thought Harvey would come around one day and realize that love doesn't come at a price.
I had dreamed about us from time to time. Memories of him in my bed morphed into mornings waking up together, my hands gripping his hair as he kissed his way down my body. Other times, we were cuddling on the couch, fighting over the remote, and ending up in a tickle fest. It wasn't just sex for me. I wanted all of him. The evening strolls in the park, the shared coffee cups, the date nights, the just being together.
I didn't have to live it to know that he would have been the most attentive and downright perfect boyfriend. I believed in him. If only he had believed in himself, too. Instead of me, he married his job. Kept his heart locked away and made himself the best attorney the city had ever seen instead.
How can I be the one who takes that away from him? Be the one who keeps him from the only constant in his life. How can I be responsible for him giving up everything he worked his entire life for? He was born to be a lawyer and New York City is his Mount Olympus. You don't make Michael Jordan join the G League at the height of his career or ask Beethoven to perform Chopsticks. Harvey is too good at what he does to ever play in the minors. There is no question he will move mountains for his daughter and be there for her every chance he gets. He loves too deeply to be anything but the best father possible, but we can't let one impulsive decision change the course of the rest of our lives. I found happiness in Seattle, I have friends and a support system here. If I get to live my dream, who am I to stand in the way of Harvey's? He, we, fought too long and too hard to get him to where he is now. His name belongs on the wall of a New York law firm, and it's where his name will stay.
Tearing myself away from Harvey, I lean over towards the other side of the bed. A quick look confirms that Lizzie is already awake, quietly moving her hands, grasping at the air around her. I find her eyes with mine and immediately her mouth starts making a sucking motion.
"Ready for more?"
She stares me down with a look that couldn't be more demanding. I turn on the mobile over her bassinet to keep her distracted for a few more minutes and use the time to dash to the bathroom. My shower will have to wait until later, but I have enough time to splash some water in my face and brush my teeth. Returning to the bedroom, I pick Lizzie up, her fingers closing around mine as I carry her into the nursery for a diaper change.
~oOo~
Lizzie is getting a bit whiny when I carry her downstairs and I immediately settle into my Nursing Chair.
She is just smacking her lips in between switching breasts when I hear a phone ringing somewhere outside the room. My cell is on the charging pad next to me, so it must be Harvey's. Before I can figure out where the ringing is coming from, it stops and I make Lizzie latch on again.
Not even a minute later, the ringing starts up again and the constant cycle of calling and hanging up is making me extremely agitated. Lizzie must have felt the annoyance radiating through me because she lets go of my breast and begins to wail loudly. I take a deep breath to calm down, burp her, cover myself up, and then place her on my shoulder, walking around the house in search of Harvey's phone.
I find it in the study and quickly turn the ringer off before I check who so desperately needs to talk to him. Just when I turn it over to check the screen, it starts vibrating in my hand.
Robert Zane.
Without thinking, I slide my finger over the screen, accepting the call.
"For fuck sake, Harvey. Tell me you're on a flight to New York this very second. Enough playing footsie with your secretary. We are bottoms up and I need you here or there might not be a firm for you to come back to."
"Robert." It was a warning more than anything. "So nice of you to call. How is the family? Donna and my newborn daughter are doing great as well, thank you for asking."
The line stays silent for longer than I expected and I worry for a short moment. Did I overdo it with Harvey's boss?
"Donna." His voice is gruff like always, but there is also a cautious and apologetic tone to it that I'm not used to from him.
"Robert," I reply, friendlier than before. "How can I help you?"
"I need to talk to Harvey. It's urgent."
"Urgent enough that I need to wake him up from his first uninterrupted sleep in at least a week or can it wait for another hour?"
"The 'I need him in the office no later than 8:00 am tomorrow morning' kind of urgent."
I assumed that their phone call yesterday afternoon meant business, but Harvey had time to call his brother and he hasn't said anything to me yet, so I didn't assume the house was on fire.
"What happened?"
"You know I can't tell you that, Red. But believe me, if Harvey doesn't meet his client in person tomorrow, the firm will be in deep shit."
"We both know that the firm is Harvey's whole life, but if you asked him to come yesterday and he's still here today, he has his reasons."
"Donna, this is not a joke." Robert was clearly getting agitated again.
"I never said it was, but no one can make Harvey do anything he doesn't want to."
"I knew you kids were trouble before I even put my name on the wall, but I didn't know you were all idiots as well."
Lizzie makes a disgruntled noise and starts kicking her legs. I try settling her with some soothing sounds and walk back into the living room, putting her down in the Pack 'n Play for the moment.
"I'm not doing this for you, Robert, but because the firm still means something to me. I will talk to Harvey and tell him he should go home today. This is the only favor I will ever grant you and afterward, you will let Harvey do whatever he does however he does it. He didn't have to give up his title for you and yet he did. Because he knows that he is better on the field than coaching from the bench and he didn't get this good by bending to Jessica's will."
"He will be here in the morning?"
"He will be there when he will be there."
"Thank you, Red."
"Goodbye, Robert."
I hang up the phone and throw it on the couch, exhaling loudly. This is not how I expected my morning to go. I take my own phone from the charging pad and put some soothing jazz on before starting the coffee machine.
This phone call was the best reminder of why my decision to stay in Seattle is the right one. I don't want to be angry around my baby. Or have to yell and curse in my family home because clients think they are the center of the universe. Harvey might not be able to relate, but it's not a life for a child and it's not a life for me anymore either. What counts most for me, is my daughter. No job could ever take her place. I take another calming breath and check back in with her, watching her kick about on her mattress. She seems to still be wide awake and fairly happy with her full tummy.
I put a soft blanket on the living room floor and lay Lizzie down on it for some stimulating exercises that I found on the internet.
"Who is the prettiest little girl in all of Seattle?" I tickle my nose against her belly and come back up again to look at her wide-eyed face. "Yes, you are. You are." Lizzie lets out a loud gurgling sound and I laugh at her.
Apparently, she is supposed to be able to imitate some of my expressions but no matter how often I stick my tongue out, she does not copy me. I continue talking to her instead, just like I did when I was still carrying her inside me.
"... I said 'I don't care who you are, you're not getting my grapefruit.' And what did your daddy do? He gave her his grapefruit! Can you believe that?"
I wait for Lizzie to acknowledge my story with another sound and instead she finally sticks her tongue out.
"Right?" I reply to her delightedly. "That's exactly how I reacted too."
Her eyes settle on something behind me and her tiny arms reach high up in the sky. It doesn't even take me a second to realize that Harvey has entered the room. His hands land on my shoulders and he presses a kiss on the crown of my head. I immediately stiffen.
"How are my girls doing this fine morning?"
He drops down on the floor beside me and leans over to pretend nibble on one of Lizzie's feet. In response, she gurgles at him. Harvey's face lights up. She's always so much more responsive to him than to me.
"Can you watch her for a moment so I can get breakfast ready?" I don't wait for a reply but just get up and leave for the kitchen.
I watch father and daughter interact on the floor while I fry some eggs and arrange the toast on a plate. Two cups of vanilla coffee, one normal and one decaf, follow right after.
"I'm sorry I didn't come up last night. Was she okay?"
Harvey walks over to the table, Lizzie lying comfortably in his arms, her eyes now closed. I take her and place her back down to sleep.
"Donna." Harvey grabs my arm as I walk past him without giving him an answer. He pulls me into his chest and I drop my forehead against it, deeply breathing him in. Reveling in every moment that I have left with him. "Are you alright?"
I press myself closer to him but still don't find the words.
"I'm sorry I didn't wake up until now. It won't happen—"
"It's not that," I interrupt him and move my head up so I can look at him. "You haven't had a full night's sleep in over a week. You deserved it."
"You didn't have a full night either."
"I'm the mom, it's my job." I try to pull away from him but he holds me even tighter.
"I'm the dad. It's my job too."
"Your job is it to be an attorney. New York's best attorney."
"I'm a dad first. Seattle's best dad, to be honest." He grins down at me.
"Harvey, Robert called."
He leans back, still holding me tight in his grip.
"What?" His eyes narrow.
"He needs you at home. Tonight." I can tell that he is trying to read my face, so I quickly drop my gaze from his.
"He's got a full army of lawyers at his disposal, why does he need me?"
"It's your client, Harvey." I gently remove his hands from my waist and step back into the kitchen. The island now serving as a physical barrier between us. A fitting metaphor for the continent that will soon separate us again.
"And? He will still be my client in a few days."
"Harvey—"
"I can't believe it!" He throws his arms up in a fury and starts pacing through the living room. "I told him I wanted more time, so he goes behind my back and calls you. Unbelievable!"
"It wasn't like that," I try to calm him down. "He tried calling every five seconds and I only answered because it started to upset Lizzie."
"And now you want me to go," he accuses me.
"I want you to still have a job to go back to."
The look he gives me can only be described as complete annoyance. He might have even rolled his eyes at me.
"If you want to stay, stay. But you will have to look me in the eyes and swear that your job means nothing to you. That you don't care if all you and Jessica have worked for goes down the drain."
"This is bullshit, Donna. I can love my job and not want to leave you and our newborn alone."
"Harvey, I'm giving you permission to go." Even though the words alone break my heart all over again. But I've had his back for too long to stop now.
Harvey points at the bassinet that holds our sleeping daughter. "She's not even two weeks old."
"And you think we won't be fine on our own? I kept you alive for 15 years, I'm sure I will manage her." He doesn't reply, but his face softens. "Harvey," I take a cautious step closer until we are almost chest to chest, "this is what our future will be like. I've come to terms with it and so should you. See this as a trial run. Show Robert that he can count on you. You will have a much better chance of having him agree to a lighter schedule if you need it."
His arms lock around my waist and he pulls me back into his chest. His cheek comes to rest against my temple and I hear him breathe me in.
"When do I have to go?"
"He needs you there in the morning."
He presses his fingers to his mouth, lightly shaking his head in contemplation.
"I'm going to take the last flight out of Sea-Tac tonight, but this is the last time I will let Robert Zane dictate my life."
~oOo~
** Harvey's POV**
I had hoped that I would be able to spend my last day in Seattle with both of my girls, but Donna said she didn't feel well enough for another outing and as she gave me the chance to sleep in, I wanted her to be able to catch up on some sleep too. She suggested an early lunch with my mom and the idea suited me well, wanting to talk to her anyway.
I was glad I didn't have to take Lizzie out all by myself but I still told Donna to get comfortable on the couch with a book because I was definitely able to get our daughter ready while waiting for my mom to pick us up.
20 minutes later, the doorbell rings, and I sprint to open it before Donna can even think about getting up.
"Hey, mom. I just need to get Lizzie in the car seat and we are ready to go."
"No rush, Harvey," she greets me, "I need to ask Donna something before we leave anyway."
She follows me into the family room and I re-check the diaper bag, scared I may have forgotten something.
My mom greets Donna with a kiss on the cheek and they immediately start talking about clothes, Donna's favorite topic.
"I was meaning to ask if you know of any good outlets or boutiques where I can find a good bargain? It's mine and Bobby's 15th anniversary this year and I would love to surprise him with something special."
"And you expect to find that in Seattle?" Donna jokes and Lily replies with a laugh.
"From what Harvey has told me, you will sniff out the best stores in any city."
"She could find a boutique in Antarctica," I join in.
"I have never heard you complain about my wardrobe, Mister, so shush."
I wink at her, getting lost in the thoughts of zippers and low cut dresses. As much as I enjoy seeing Donna dressed down and in comfortable clothes, I am also looking forward to finally getting the chance to unzip her one day soon. There was that blue dress the day I got my name on the wall or the burgundy one she wore in the office on the opening night of Merchant of Venice...
"As luck would have it," Donna continues her conversation with my mom, "I know of a wonderful consignment store downtown, Alexandra's. They took all my work dresses from New York."
What? I let go of the diaper bag and turn to Donna.
"You gave away your dresses? Why?"
"I can't wear them anymore, Harvey, why keep them?" It almost looks like she has tears welling in her eyes. Why give them away if it makes her this sad?
"But you love your dresses," I argue. "I know that the clinic is less formal, but I can't believe they wouldn't let you dress professionally. They could use a bit of class, I'm sure."
"It's not about the clinic." Her tone is agitated now. "It's about me."
"Exactly," I agree. "And you're Donna. You can't be Donna without your tight, custom fit, designer dresses."
She jumps up, her face full of fury, her eyes brimming with tears.
"Then I guess I'm not Donna anymore," she spits at me. "Lily," she turns to my mom, her voice only slightly calmer, "I will text you the address for the store. Have fun with Lizzie."
Donna walks towards me but squeezes herself close to the bassinet to not accidentally touch me when saying goodbye to our daughter. She drops a kiss on Lizzie's forehead and rushes up the stairs.
I look after her, taken aback by the last two minutes.
"What was that?" I ask my mom, irritated.
"Sweetheart," she gets up and walks over to me, "I know you might not be able to see it, but she's not the same Donna you knew from before. Motherhood and pregnancy change a woman. Those dresses you love? She most likely won't fit into them again anytime soon. She's not 24 anymore, her body doesn't just bounce back like that. On top of hormones wreaking havoc inside of her, restless nights, and a body that doesn't feel like her own anymore, I'm surprised she hasn't snapped sooner."
"But she looks amazing. She's Donna. She always looks amazing." I shake my head, not understanding where my mother is coming from.
"I don't think she feels very Donna right now."
"Maybe I should go talk to her." I make my way to the staircase but my mom stops me with her hand on my arm.
"Give her some time to herself. You can apologize later."
"Apologize? But I've done no—"
Mom taps my arm lightly. "Oh, Harvey. You still have so much to learn…"
Without another word, she puts Lizzie in her car seat and walks out, leaving me standing slack-jawed in the living room.
~oOo~
With it being too early for lunch, we decide on a walk first. Mom still wants to check out that store Donna suggested later and I just can't tell her no. Not like I wasn't used to being the bag carrier from the countless shopping trips Donna made me take in our early days. Looking back at my sleeping daughter in her car seat, I worry about my bank account. Is being a shopaholic genetic?
The drive downtown only takes a few minutes and after parking, we make our way through a residential area as we discuss Lizzie's development and Mom's retirement plans.
"But you love your job, why would you want to give it up?" I am surprised about the news she just presented me with.
"I have been on the wrong side of 60 for too long now and I want to enjoy the rest of the time that I have left with Bobby. Travel, spend more time here with my newest grandchild, give more attention to my hobbies."
"But art is your hobby."
"And I will be able to enjoy it even more when not in the classroom. Taking the teacher out of the traditional school setting doesn't change her profession. Maybe I will take on some private students. I'm open to whatever comes my way."
"Whatever it is, I'm sure you will do great." I give her a warm smile and stop to pull her into a hug. "My daughter is very lucky to have you as a grandma."
"And all your future babies, too."
"Moooom," I cry out, letting go of her. "Mind your words or I will make you live in one of these." I point at the retirement home right behind us.
She huffs and pushes the stroller further along down the road.
"Don't get any ideas. Although, it does seem to be a nice area." She stops in front of the family home right next to the Senior Living Center, examining it closely. "You and Donna could move in right here. It's practically made for you." She winks at me and keeps on walking.
The house in question is a bright red two-story, and apart from the fact that the color reminds me of Donna's hair, it doesn't look like anything either one of us would ever want to live in. I shake my head at my mom's absurdity and follow behind her. I haven't even taken my second step when I see it. Proudly displayed on the porch railing hangs a large sign that reads Adam Matthews - Attorney at Law. A private practice?
"Who is getting ideas now?" I yell after my mom before falling into a jog to catch up with her. We spend the rest of the walk to the Bay in silence, both lost in our own thoughts now.
~oOo~
"So you really haven't noticed that Donna isn't being herself around you?" My mom picks up our earlier conversation again.
"Not before today, no. Should I have noticed a difference?"
By now, we've reached the waterfront and I've taken over the stroller again.
"Unless she's secretly Wonder Woman and doesn't experience pregnancy and childbirth like us mere mortals, I'm sure you should have noticed a few changes at least."
"I don't think she would like you comparing her to normal people. Donna is anything but and she's really proud of that." I laugh, imagining what Donna's face would look like if she had heard Lily's comment.
"As she should be. Only a special person could fix what I have broken. And Harvey," she reaches out her arm to grab mine, making us both stop, "she is very special."
The look she gives me, I have only seen one other time. It's a mixture of fear and silent determination. Fear that I would throw my life away with one wrong decision and determination to save me from myself. The last time she looked at me this way was when I lost my baseball scholarship and was ready to drop out of college before classes had even started. If this is how she feels about Donna and me, and us making it work in Seattle, she won't like the next few words that are going to leave my mouth.
I turn towards the water and prop my arms up on the metal railing. I sneak a look at my sleeping daughter before letting my gaze glide over the Sound. Growing up in Boston, three years in Cambridge, and a condo close to Riverside Park has made me very appreciative of the calming nature of a waterfront. It has always been a source of comfort to me, but unfortunately, Elliot Bay has no soothing qualities to me today.
"Mom, I'm leaving."
There is no immediate reply and for a moment I wonder if she has even heard me. That is until I feel the anger radiating from right beside me.
"Please say that again and this time make sure the word 'not' is in the middle of that sentence!"
"Mom—" I turn towards her. Despite her being so much shorter than me, she looks mighty terrifying.
"Harvey, what has gotten into you?" She doesn't yell but I think it stems more from the fact that we're out in public than a lack of fury. "Why are you breaking this wonderful woman's heart again?"
"Excuse me?" Now it is my turn to be irritated. "This was not my idea."
"It sure as hell couldn't have been Donna's."
"It might as well have been." I press the palm of my hands against my eyes and utter a frustrated cry as I let go. "It's not like she's actually trying to make me stay."
"Of course she wants you to stay. She explicitly told me that—" Mom stops herself mid-sentence.
"She explicitly told you what?" I ask exasperated.
"Harvey, just tell me what is going on."
"My firm called. We have this big client who is about to lose their company if I don't intervene. They need me."
"And you can't help them from here?"
"Don't you think I would stay if I could?"
"I actually don't know, Harvey. Would you?"
"Excuse me? I dropped everything to be here for Donna before I even knew what was happening. But I have a life back home, too. Donna knows that."
"So you are just moving back to New York?"
"I'm not moving. I am going home for a week." I have to hold myself back from raising my voice to make her understand that I'm not abandoning my family. "Actually, I was going to ask you to stay with Donna until I'm back."
"Harvey, I have Bobby and classes—"
"Mom, please," I interrupt her. "I know Donna can look after herself, but I would feel so much better knowing she'd have you by her side. Especially considering her mom can't be here."
"I would have to call the college and —"
"So you'll do it?" I ask, suddenly hopeful.
I'm the recipient of one of Lily Specter's infamous stern looks and my timid smile turns into a grimace.
"I'm doing this for Donna. Because she's special and I would love the chance to get to know her better."
"Thank you, Mom." I pull her into a tight hug.
"But, Harvey, you better be back after that week. One week!"
"Wild stallions couldn't keep me away." I throw a loving look at Lizzie before linking arms with my mom, leading her in the direction of that dreaded clothing store.
~oOo~
"Do you really need me to come in with you?" I eye the entrance to the consignment store warily. "I'm sure you would enjoy it much more by yourself, and Lizzie and I can just wait at the restaurant for you."
"Harvey, don't be such a wuss, they're just clothes." My mom pulls me by the arm into the store and I begin to wonder when she and Donna switched bodies.
"It won't even be 10 minutes, I promise."
I've been shopping with Donna often enough to know that 10 minutes never really means 10 minutes, so I push Lizzie's stroller to the middle of the shop floor and sit down in one of the gray armchairs they must have put up for waiting husbands, or in my case, waiting sons. Browsing the reading material on display, I hope to find something to keep me occupied but there is nothing but fashion magazines. I lean back into the chair and will myself to not get annoyed. It's not even been a minute and I'm already bored. Even Lizzie is still sleeping and can't offer me a distraction.
I let my eyes roam through the store, trying to find Lily in between all the racks. I don't see her, but a blonde woman about my age catches my attention. She is frantically pushing hangers aside, checking clothes and tags as if her life depended on it.
"Excuse me, Miss," she stops a sales employee, "do you have more dresses left from Seller #12672?"
The shop assistant smiles and explains that she will go look in the system. A short moment later, she returns and leads the customer to the rack right next to where I'm sitting.
"Last week I bought this stunning burgundy Roland Mouret and sky blue Dolce & Gabbana and apparently they were from the same seller and an exact fit," the lady explains excitedly while the saleswoman searches through the rack.
"We should have a short black Valentino and a royal blue Dior left." A moment later, she pulls both dresses from the rack, holding them out in front of the blonde.
"I'll try the Valentino. The Dior is a bit too bland." The woman practically snatches the black dress out of the employee's hand and sashays to the fitting rooms.
I don't really see what makes any of these dresses either bland or exciting, but all I know about fashion is what I learned from observing Donna over the years. The saleswoman is about to hang the dress back up when I actually take a look at it. It's straight, royal blue, and sleeveless with soft curved lines leading into a deep V-neck. I feel like I have seen it before. No, I know I have seen it before.
"Wait!" I stop the woman in her movement and quickly stand up. "Can I take a look at that dress?"
She hands it over to me and walks off again. I hold the garment before me, taking in every line and stitching. I can't believe it.
"Found something you like?" My mom's voice jolts me out of my stupor, the humor in her voice unmistakable.
"This is... Donna's."
"It is a beautiful dress." Lily takes a closer look. "I can see why you think it suits her."
"No, you don't get it. This is Donna's dress. She owned it. I've seen her wearing it," my mouth goes dry, "and beautiful doesn't even begin to cover it."
"You should get it for her," Lily suggests.
"I don't know." I shake my head. "She gave it away for a reason. I don't know why she'd want it back."
"Seems like it's connected to a happy memory for you, maybe the same would be true for her and she would appreciate having it returned."
"I wouldn't call it a happy memory. Technically, we weren't even on speaking terms at the time."
"And yet you remember it?"
"I was sitting in a divorce settlement conference listening to a disgruntled husband talk about how he'd given up everything for his wife. How he'd let all his own dreams for the future take a back seat to hers." With a heavy sigh, I close my eyes for a moment and I can see it like it was yesterday. "Through the glass walls, I watched as Donna handed something to the receptionist across the hall and it just clicked." Turning to face my mom, I continue. "I had been so upset with her because not long before that, she left my desk to work for Louis. I thought she had chosen him over me. But in that moment, I realized that she didn't choose him, she chose herself. Maybe for the first time since I met her, instead of doing what was best for me, she did what was best for her." I lift the dress up a bit higher and take it all in. "All those years… she sacrificed everything for me and I just took it for granted."
"Have you ever told her that story?"
"No." I scoff. "She has no idea."
"Maybe now is the time." She lays her hand on my arm. "And this dress just might be the perfect way to start that conversation."
I take another long look at the garment and then at our sleeping daughter. Donna's sacrifice brought us here and truly gave us a chance to have everything. Putting my hand on the stroller, I push it towards the register, the dress still clutched in my hand. I've waited way long enough to tell her how grateful I am for all she's done.
~oOo~
The house is quiet when Lizzie and I return home. I left my shopping bag with my mom and she said she would smuggle the dress into the house while I'm gone.
"Donna?" I call out, a cranky Lizzie scrunching up her face, waiting to be fed.
"In the nursery," I hear her holler from the second floor and we make our way up, Lizzie's whimpering now turning into full-on screaming.
Donna is sitting in the rocking chair, a large book on her lap, and her trusty 4 colors BIC pen in between her lips.
"Hey." She smiles up at us, seemingly over our earlier argument. She puts the book and pen on the dresser and reaches her hands out for Lizzie. "Mama missed you so much." Donna pulls the baby close to her chest, breathing her in. Lizzie immediately starts rooting and Donna unbuttons the shirt she's wearing to nurse. "Was she good?" she addresses me once the baby has latched on.
"She was great. We fed her right before lunch and then she slept up until we walked into the house. How about you? Enjoy the peace and quiet?"
"Honestly, it was a bit weird. I haven't been separated from her for almost 10 months now and it felt a bit lonely. It will be a big change when you're gone, too."
"About that," I lean against the dresser, "I asked my mom to stay in Seattle while I'm gone."
"Harvey—" Donna starts protesting.
"I know," I interrupt her, "you don't need help. But I will feel better knowing you don't have to do everything by yourself. Consider it at least? For me?"
She doesn't answer for a moment, but rather occupies herself with Lizzie's feet and the sock she is about to lose.
"Okay." She nods. But it seems a bit resigned.
"Thank you." I lean down and give her a kiss on the forehead.
"She should take the guest room. No need to have her stay at a hotel when she's here to keep me company."
"She'll love that."
My eyes fall to the book Donna wrote into when I came in. "What is this?"
"It's the Baby Book. Haven't I shown it to you?"
"I've never seen it before." I pick up the book and start flipping through the pages.
"It's about her first year of life but also has some pages on the pregnancy. You can write development achievements in it, her firsts and favorites, put pictures in it, and write down some hopes and dreams for her future. I hadn't put the information her doctor gave us at her first-week check-up in yet, so I did it just now."
I find the page for the first visit to the pediatrician and am immediately reminded of that awful day last week that left my girls in tears.
"Miss Paulsen? Dr. Periolat will see you now."
We get up from the waiting room chair and I pick up the car seat that is standing by my feet. The nurse is already leading the way into the exam room.
The room is bright and colorful with life-size drawings of Toy Story on the wall. I can't really remember what pediatric offices looked like when I was a kid, but I'm sure they weren't as welcoming as this one.
The nurse asks us to put Lizzie up on the exam table and to undress her down to her diaper. While usually a very calm and quiet baby, Lizzie isn't having any of it. She cries and screams throughout the whole experience and before the nurse can even measure her or take her weight, we have to bundle her up in a blanket and hold her close to soothe her.
Donna already has tears in her eyes and I am feeling extremely uncomfortable when the door opens again and the pediatrician comes in.
Dr. Periolat, a pretty dark-haired lady in her mid-40s, is greeting Donna, and I quickly introduce myself.
"This must be Baby Lillian." She leans toward Lizzie in Donna's arms and waits for her to grab one of the doc's outstretched fingers.
"Good initial reflexes. You already passed Test Number 1. Good job."
Lizzie is still whimpering and hiccuping irregularly but seems intrigued by this new person right before her. Dr. Periolat emanates a very cheerful and warmhearted vibe and I can see why Donna chose her as Lizzie's doctor.
The pediatrician takes over from the nurse and with some encouraging words and gentle handling, she is able to measure and weigh our girl.
"7 pounds even, good weight for one week."
"She lost 10 ounces?" I ask the doctor, shocked. "But she eats all day."
The doctor chuckles and her eyes twinkle. "It's completely normal for newborns to lose weight in the first week. It's just fluids. She will quickly gain it again in the coming weeks. Do you breastfeed?"
Donna nods. "Usually every 2 hours."
"Daily bowel movement?" The doctor asks while continuing to examine the baby's movements and reflexes.
"Definitely more than once a day," I confirm instantly.
"So Daddy is on diaper duty?"
"I don't really know how to bond with her otherwise," I admit, surprised by my honesty with a stranger.
"Caring for her is a great start. Bonding with the mother comes easier, especially when breastfeeding. At one point, Donna can start pumping and you can bottle feed Lillian yourself. Until then, talk to her and get as much skin-to-skin contact as you can. Cuddling allows your baby to hear your heartbeat and learn your smell, just like they do with mothers when they breastfeed."
Dr. Periolat moves Lizzie's arms and legs around, puts her on her stomach to see if she can lift her head for a moment, and tests her hearing and eyes. Like a true Specter, Lizzie passes with flying colors. Despite her initial discomfort, she seems to be in high spirits. That is until it's time for her HepB shot.
Not knowing what's about to happen, she doesn't move a muscle when the syringe comes her way but as soon as the tip has left the flesh of her thigh, she lets out her loudest cry yet.
She wails and screams and kicks her little legs.
Donna picks her up at once but all swaying and soothing sounds do nothing. I stand helpless next to my girls, watching their eyes fill with tears and their breathing stock. I swiftly take our daughter from her, press the baby close to my chest and pull Donna into my free arm. I don't even know who to comfort first, so I just rock them both back and forth, whispering calming words into their ears.
I don't know how much time has passed but when I next look up, the doctor and nurse have left the room, giving us a chance to pull ourselves together.
Lizzie had cried herself to sleep before we even left the office. Donna went through a whole pack of tissues and then nodded off on the drive back to the house.
I checked and there shouldn't be any more shots coming up in the next few months, so I hopefully don't have to worry about their appointment next week while I'm in New York.
Donna is finishing with Lizzie and we put her down for yet another nap. I never knew that babies slept this much but with them waking every 2 hours for nursing, your day is full and despite me being used to long hours, I have never felt this exhausted.
I never used to nap in all my life but these days, I take every opportunity I can to shut my eyes for a moment. With the both of us in bed now, I hold Donna that extra bit tighter, knowing I won't get the opportunity again for a whole seven nights.
~oOo~
The rest of the day flies by. We give Lizzie a bit more tummy time, move my mom into the guest room and Robert calls again, asking me to look over some files before the meeting tomorrow. I wanted to spend every waking moment I had left with my daughter, so I set up camp in the rocking chair in the nursery, working the rest of the day from there.
And then evening falls and it's time for me to leave. Donna booked me a 10:40 pm flight out of SeaTac, which should get me to the office by 8 am tomorrow morning.
"Fucking Robert Zane."
"Harvey, language!" My mom yells from the kitchen.
Donna and I are standing in the hallway with Lizzie in my arms, and I have already dragged the goodbye out for ten minutes. The cab should arrive any second but I am not ready to let go of my girls yet.
"Are you sure, I can't take her as hand luggage?" I hold Lizzie out in front of me, evaluating her size. "I think she would fit into my bag."
"Harvey, she's not a support animal."
"No, but she is a piece of me. And how can I leave her behind?"
"You are not leaving her behind. You are leaving her in the very capable hands of me and your mom."
"I know that, but it still feels strange not having her with me."
"You won't be thinking that when she wakes you up at 2 am with a poopy diaper." Donna laughs. "But why don't you take the Baby Book?"
"You know that's not the same, right." I grin at her, holding my hand up around my waist. "Baby Book." I wave my hand back and forth before raising it overhead, repeating the motion. "Actual baby."
Donna rolls her eyes at me and draws out a long sigh. "You could fill out some of the pages in there. About you, your family, and the hopes you have for her future."
I consider it for a moment. It would be nice to keep a memento with me and I will have time on the flight to fill out the book.
do have time to fill out the book.
I pass Lizzie over to Donna and make my way upstairs, taking two steps at a time.
"Oh and Harvey?" Donna calls after me. "It might be a good idea for you to grab your laptop as well."
"My laptop is right there with my lug—" I let my eyes roam around the front hallway in search of my bag. I come up empty and my gaze finds Donna's smug face.
"It's still on the nursery floor."
"You would have let me fly without my laptop?"
"I'm not your mother," Donna jokes.
"I heard that!" Lily yells from the kitchen again.
These women will be the death of me.
I rush into the nursery, finding my laptop, and all my files spread out on the floor where I left them before dinner. From downstairs, I can hear the cab honking. Shit.
The Baby Book isn't on the dresser where I last saw it, so I turn to the shelf, pushing the books on it to the side in search of it.
"Harvey?" Donna calls up to me. "The cab's here."
"I'm coming!" I yell back.
In my haste, I tug on one of the books too hard and they all come tumbling down.
"Motherf—"
But at least I have the Baby Book now. It landed right on my papers.
Quickly, I gather the files together, shoving them into the book and then into my laptop bag, before racing down again.
Donna is standing in the open doorway, Lizzie clutched tightly in her arms.
"I left a mess upstairs, I'm sorry," I apologize to Donna. I give my mom a hug and a kiss on the cheek and then lean down to Lizzie.
"Be good for Mama and Grammy, okay? Daddy loves you." I press a long kiss to her forehead and take in one last whiff of her baby smell.
"And Daddy loves you, too," I say to Donna with a wink before pulling her in for a kiss. "I will call you from the airport to say goodnight."
With a heavy heart, I take my bags and carry them down the steps to the waiting cab and get in.
As we pull away from the curb, Donna lifts Lizzie's arm and makes her wave goodbye. I raise my hand to wave back, as they slowly become smaller and smaller, the further we get up the road.
I never understood the fuss around goodbyes, but for the first time, it truly feels like I'm leaving a piece of me behind.