Chapter Twenty-Two: At the End of the Year

James did his best to tail Remus the next day. He had really tried to track down his ornery friend who hadn't touched his breakfast, and who Sirius had made him promise to follow with the invisibility cloak since he had to report to detention with Peter. He had even heeded Sirius' not needed advice by trailing a safe enough distance behind Remus to avoid detection.

But he had failed, which was something that James Potter was not accustomed to doing. Of course, Sirius blamed it on Peter not him, as they sat awake waiting for Remus to return, but knowing in their heart of hearts he wouldn't be back for at least two days. James had needed to stop Sirius from insulting Peter who was truly really sorry and who could only express it so much before Sirius appeared to be the one acting a bit like a berk. Peter had a lot of work to do before Sirius would even look him in the eye again, not that James wasn't upset too about the stunt he had pulled a few days ago, just not as much.

But Peter took his apology very seriously and brought Sirius a bunch of snacks and even offered to do his homework, which was silly since Sirius got better marks than he did anyways. However even after Remus returned, avoiding them with a renewed vigor that made James wish they could go back to Remus' mischief and joking, Sirius remained adamant in his 'hatred' towards Peter.

James put up with Sirius' grudge because he knew that Peter had really messed up. But when upon returning Remus had treated Peter the same way he treated the rest of them, with a kind but polite distance, and was not at all spouting insults, James knew that Sirius had to get over it.

He had told Sirius so which hadn't ended well, and in which Sirius had thrown in James' face that he'd failed to tail Remus. James did not like being reminded of his failures and things had been a little tense with him and Sirius for about half an hour before they both ended up wrestling one another and getting over it.

"Why can't you just wrestle Peter and be done with it Sirius?" he asked as they sat under a tree, scanning for signs of Narcissa who had been avoiding Sirius with as much skill as Remus.

"Because he'd cry if I tried that."

"Pretty sure he'd prefer that to you reminding him what a bastard he is all the time. It's nearly been three weeks now Sirius we were supposed to be coming up with a cool name not going all nuts and barely hanging out anymore."

"Well…...he just….I just…."

"Yeah, I know it was dreadful but I think we'll need his help making Remus ever return to our dorm besides at night once we're asleep."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. But I just want him to pay for it a bit."

"He is paying for it, or he did with detentions."

"Yeah but it's not enough."

"He really didn't know Sirius. Besides we know...well I mean I think someone….you know... with Remus being hurt that way too? Maybe that's a clue somehow?" Though James realized bringing that up might not be the best way to get Sirius to finally forgive Peter.

"I know but…..but it just makes me more concerned… I mean I explained to you it was Bella who is a complete psycho…..but…..but do you think his uncle is that bad or is it someone else?" Sirius asked, sounding distressed.

"I don't know mate I wish I did….well actually I sort of don't. I mean if we just tell Remus we'll let him be and stop figuring things out then….well then we could go back to having fun and enjoying our time at school instead of ruining it."

"But he comes back hurt James!"

There really wasn't anything James could say to that so instead, he said nothing, sighing heavily and very glad he at least had Quidditch and the visitors arriving to look forward to.

"There's my cousin." Sirius didn't sound as nearly pleased about it as James thought he would be, but upon looking up from studying flying maneuvers instead of the spell to shoot out water, he realized that was because Narcissa was coming straight at him.

"I can't promise not to hex her Sirius," he muttered to his friend whose expression had darkened.

"I know."

"Should I leave?"

"No, if she's annoying then she deserves to be hexed."

James was about to point out teasingly that by that logic Sirius deserved to be hexed but he didn't have the chance to as Narcissa reached them quickly, her strides full of purpose and impatience.

"Hello, Sirius," she replied haughtily, looking down at her cousin as if he was something unpleasant stuck to her shoe.

"Hello, Sissy," Sirius replied back in the same manner.

"You've….surprisingly done well. Regulus will meet you in the east courtyard at 3 pm."

Then before Sirius could say anything she was striding back the way she came. James expected Sirius to be pissed but instead, he was grinning ear to ear exclaiming happily he finally had a chance to change Regulus for the better.

James felt really bad for his friend because all Slytherins were the same, though he wouldn't mention that to Sirius, and after nearly two whole months with the Slytherins, he highly doubted there was any point in trying to save Regulus. But again, he wasn't about to tell his friend that.

...

Sirius waited impatiently in the courtyard trying not to feel giddy. After all his little twat of a brother had been making a game out of Sirius' futile attempts to hunt him down. He needed this meeting to go perfectly so Regulus would continue to meet him without nasty Sissy's approval and he could go back to pranking the Slytherins. A favorite pastime that might ease some of his tension and make him able to fully forgive his twat of a friend, Peter.

"Sirius!"

He turned around watching Regulus stride up to him and his heart plummeted. His sweet brother looked…..haughty?

Regulus had never been able to perfect the Black's haughty nature, he'd always been too sweet and sensitive. But now it was as if Sirius was looking at a different person. Surely Regulus wasn't already too far gone. No, if his brother had chosen a toad to take to Hogwarts in order to join the toad choir then he was still the brother Sirius loved, even if he had sort of abandoned him over the summer. So he was determined to be a good big brother and set him on the right path.

"Hi, Reg. Too cool for your older brother now?"

"Maybe," Regulus grinned and Sirius felt instantly better.

"What have you been up to?"

Sirius mentally thanked Remus for pointing out that Regulus might get defensive if he just launched into his requests for his brother to shape up. Instead, Sirius listened with all the patience he could muster as his brother explained about his little friends with excitement. He tried hard not to gag as Regulus explained how wonderful Sissy had been to him and how he was friends with her friends which made Regulus feel all important since they were much older.

Yuck!

"What about you Sirius?" Regulus finally asked after chatting for a long while. Sirius filled him in about some of his classwork and not getting on the Quidditch team, wishing he trusted his brother enough now to talk about his own friends and their adventures.

"I wish we could do this more often," he pointed out casually.

"Hm? Yeah me too! I love it at Hogwarts but it would be nice to see you more. You never run after my friends and me fast enough to catch us," he laughed and Sirius had to stop himself from pointing out he wouldn't have to run if the morons didn't run first!

"Well…..we should. Meet up more. I have a lot I could teach you so you'd be ahead of your classes and all."

That had been James' suggestion, that all Slytherins were greedy little bastards as he had put it, so Sirius should appeal to his brother's ambition.

"Oh Sissy's already letting me do that," Regulus pointed out good-naturedly and Sirius felt a stab of jealousy that made no sense at all because he didn't even like his stupid cousin!

"She actually lets you call her that?"

"Of course. She lets her closest friends call her that. I mean you call her that."

Taken aback by the comment and still filled with bitter jealousy he couldn't understand, Sirius forgot about his promise to be nice.

"Are you that much of a dumbass that you really think her and me are friends?" he asked incredulously and could see the hurt immediately in his brother's eyes that resulted from his words.

"You don't need to be rude. But you are family so…"

Yet again, this comment shouldn't have filled Sirius with such anger... but it did, and he'd never been particularly good at controlling his anger.

"Oh yeah, because I'm such a bloody part of our minging little family," he snarled so full of jealousy for his stupid perfect little brother who got their cruel cold mother to buy him a stupid fucking toad!

"Sirius I only….."

"You only bloody what! Only wanted to remind me of what a failure I am. Of what a bloody "blood traitor" I am. Well, save your breath I hear enough of that from mom and dad."

"But Sirius I wasn't…."

If he had been calmer he maybe would have heard the worry in his brother's tone, but it all just sounded like the sniveling haughty tone of his family.

And here was his brother becoming everything he couldn't and didn't want to be, and he hated him…, a bit, for it.

"Oh shut up! I don't know why I bothered to see you anyways if you're just going to insult me. You can run back to Sissy now who's clearly more your bloody family than I am!" he shouted and stormed off not letting Regulus get in a word. It wasn't until he had stormed down the hill that he realized he'd have to jump through "Sissy's" hoops all over again.

"Maybe I just won't see him again!" he shouted, chucking a rock into the lake since unlike his twat of a brother he could lash out at the lake without feeling a tangle of confusion, and guilt, and hurt.

"You would regret that and you know it," Remus pointed out and Sirius jumped because he didn't even realize his friend was nearby or that he presently cared enough to talk to him alone.

"Why are you here?" he asked sulkily, deciding he was pissed with bloody Remus too for making things so difficult all the time. He considered chucking the new rock in his hand in Remus' direction to scare him off only he doubted it would work, and he had to swallow down the sick feeling that rose up in him at even thinking of doing such a thing.

"Because a pair of annoying twats by the name of Messrs James and Peter begged me to hang out nearby in case things went bad," he explained in a slightly posh tone giving Sirius the gracious choice to laugh it off and joke around with him or actually talk about it.

"Why don't they come themselves? Am I that scary?" he asked in a dry tone, unsure whether he wanted to joke around or actually talk yet.

"Terrifying. I think James admitted to wetting himself once at the mere thought of you," Remus teased easily as witty as always when given the option to be.

"You're a sarcastic asshole," Sirius gasped as if realizing this for the first time. Remus gave him a slightly lopsided smile in reply, that showed he was half glad Sirius was joking, and half worried he may have gone too far. "Perhaps more so than Peter," he added to assure Remus he was one hundred percent joking because Sirius couldn't think of a single person less of an asshole than Remus.

"Hey! I work hard for you to think this highly of me," he retorted, his grin getting a little bolder, his eyes dancing with mischief and hope that things could stay easy. But Sirius, as much as he wanted to let things stay simple and pleasant, wasn't about to let this golden opportunity pass. His conversation with Regulus went dreadfully, though it wasn't his fault in the slightest, and he'd sure feel a lot better if he could make something good come from this bloody afternoon.

"Remus." He grabbed his friend's hand, partly because he knew it would prevent the infamous bolting of Remus Lupin, and also because it just felt nice.

"Sirius I…"

"I don't want it to stay like this. No one does. James suggested letting it go completely so we can just have a jolly good time…..only I don't think you really did..., did you?"

Sirius realized that must have been what had felt so wrong when Remus had been so 'happy' and mischievous. Because just like it had felt wrong when Peter was telling that dreadful lie, it felt similar when he recalled the too tight and bright smiles Remus had given at the time. Remus flinched, his golden eyes flickering away from Sirius.

"I was just….trying to enjoy…..," Remus sighed, struggling to find the words and his eyes flickered back to Sirius looking pleading. "None of you were asking questions or attempting to force or trick information out of me and it was so nice."

"And if we question you again you'll just give up on us? Treat us like mere acquaintances you just happen to share a room with?" Sirius asked, partly angry, though mostly hurt. Remus looked away again with a helpless shrug giving an unenthusiastic tug away from Sirius who held on tight.

"No….well….I don't know. I just can't Sirius. I know you'll find out…"

"So tell us!"

"I…..I can't…."

"Why not?" Sirius asked, feeling desperate. "We were told you wouldn't be friends with us if we found out. What on earth would cause you to be so cruel to us?"

"It's not me that would be cruel!" Remus shouted back his tone defensive.

"Then who? You can't possibly mean we'd stop being friends with you because that's utter bollocks and…."

"You would," Remus whispered, sounding close to tears. "So please just let go because it hurts too much Sirius and I can't."

"So what? You push us away before we can push you away?"

Remus flinched and nodded and the anger Sirius had felt surface with his brother reared its ugly head again.

"Coward! You don't get to decide for us! You don't get to be such a selfish prick about it. We worry sick about you every time you disappear. We stay up, and worry, and talk, and even cry." He could tell he was making Remus uncomfortable and guilty but he couldn't seem to stop. "We've racked our brains and I know we're missing something obvious but none of us can figure out what. You can't expect us to leave it be and call ourselves your friends when you come back sick and hurt….."

"You already know about my dad."

"But that's not it!" Sirius shouted, stressed, and frustrated because how many nights had he laid awake wishing that was all that was going on with his friend but knowing there was more? "Or are you going to look me in the eyes and tell me your dad used crucio on you," he pressed and Remus tried to pull away hard this time fear filling his eyes.

"Sirius please…."

"And you don't say a single word about your sick mother. Did she die? We've all been too scared to ask. Too afraid we'd upset you thinking you'll tell us when you're ready but you never are ready are you! We're sick of it Remus. You're our dearest friend and how are we supposed to feel about this? What would you have us do? Other than have us forget about it, we'd do anything that would actually help to make this easier for you. We're your friends so treat us like it. Why don't you trust us still." Tears were rolling down Sirius' cheeks now, more frustration than sadness, though he supposed there was a lot of that as well.

Remus, as usual, had misty eyes but not a single teardrop fell. Sometimes Sirius thought if he could just get Remus to lose his composure and actually cry the truth would come spilling out with his tears.

"Sirius…."

"Remus! Please! I'm begging you! I am a proud and noble Black and I am literally begging you to stop doing this to us! To me!"

"Y….you'd hate me…." Remus replied weakly, though he sounded unsure, sounded a bit desperate himself so Sirius kept pushing realizing last year they hadn't considered what would happen if they pushed and pushed even past his disappearances and avoidances. They were so afraid of him distancing himself from their pushing, but he did that anyway, and Sirius couldn't take it anymore.

He could not stand this.

Not after seeing his friend shaking and huddled on the ground pale as death and closer to shedding tears than Sirius had ever seen him. He could not ignore this any longer, not after seeing the fear and pain, such pain, in his friend's eyes time and time again. He couldn't ignore it after seeing traces of bruises and scars peeking out from Remus' purposefully too-long sleeves that he kept down even when it meant getting them covered in potions.

Those damn sleeves that he kept so long even despite the way they would occasionally fall down and mess up his wand work, just enough to cause him frustration. Sirius Black was not patient by nature and he had been, he really had been so painfully patient.

But as he stood there confronting one of the most important people in his life he knew he just couldn't stand to be patient anymore.

"Just…...give me….until the end of the year…..then…...then I'll tell you…," Remus whispered sounding like he was being sent to the chopping block, while Sirius felt a swell of hope and relief well up in him.

He pulled his friend into a hug, because yes a year was a long ass time to wait, but knowing that Remus had actually decided to tell them was a victory in and of itself. Not that he planned to give up following Remus and calculating his disappearances in the hope of figuring it out sooner. Because a year was a really long time for an impatient boy to wait, sure. But it was an even longer time for one of his friends to live and worry over the fact that what he would tell them would result in his mind with them hating him.

Sirius would get to the bottom of it but it wasn't just curiosity driving him now, it was the overwhelmingly strong desire to prove to Remus that he was wrong, and for that Sirius simply could not wait a year.