AN: Zuko alone once again . . . or is he? This is my spin on Zuko finding his mother.
Solitude
She said, "Hearts can break themselves
Looking for something, leaving with nothing
But souls can save themselves, learning to fly."
Sweet mother of mine!
- "Looking for Something" by Paolo Nutini
It is the eve of the equinox, when light and dark are in fragile balance.
Her village at the foot of Raikiri Mountain is decorated with white ribbons to honor the dead, and the streets are heavy with the aroma of burning incense.
Today is an important day. Fire Nation tradition dictates that the equinoxes and the solstices are when the spirits of the dead are closest to the world of the living. The spring equinox, especially, when winter leaves and spring arrives, represents letting go of death and accepting new life.
Every year on the spring equinox she travels up the mountain, to the ancient shrine gardens where the ashes of countless Fire Nation citizens are at rest. None of the villagers go with her, because it is against the ancient rules. They are living, and on the equinox the mountain belongs to the dead. Trespassing angers the deceased spirits. She doesn't abide by that rule. She is living, but a part of her is dead.
The equinox is the day where she reconciles her two halves.
"Kiyi, I'm leaving," she calls as she walks out of the house. "Tell your dad when he comes home, okay?"
"Okay! Bye Mom!"
As she climbs the steep, winding path up the mountainside, the woman named Noriko fades, and the ghost of the Fire Lady overtakes her.
Ursa is tired.
It has been so many years since she was exiled for killing Azulon, since she found her old love Ikem, since she settled in this remote village in a secluded corner of the southernmost island in the Fire Nation. The village is so isolated that there are no military barracks here, no one who even recognizes the face of the Fire Lady. As Noriko, she has enjoyed a decade of simple peace.
But while Ursa and Noriko are the same person, Ursa has not lived in peace.
Ursa has lived in hiding, in guilty solitude, in hope and in shame. Her children are still out there, and as long as she lives she will never be able to forgive herself for what she did to them. She wonders how Azula is. News is rare in the countryside, but she knows the war is over and that Zuko is Fire Lord, yet she has not heard anything of Azula. She hopes her daughter is safe and happy and no longer twisted under Ozai's influence.
She wonders how Zuko is doing. She wonders what he looks like now, and whether he'd still recognize her after so long.
Ursa's heart is heavy when she walks up the steps and through the gate of the shrine gardens.
She realizes she's not alone.
The shrine is a tall golden lamp in the middle of the garden, with concentric circles of fragrant oil slowly burning through the night. Countless memorial stones stand around the shrine, each bearing a name. She glances at the tall cloaked figure kneeling in front of one of the stones. Never in all her years here has she seen anyone at the shrine during the equinox. She can't see much in the firelight except straight posture and broad shoulders. The figure seems almost statue-like, unmoving.
She pauses. That's her memorial stone.
In memory of Ursa, daughter of Rina and Jinzuk.
Ursa silently walks over and kneels behind the man, still unable to see his face.
"This mountain belongs to the dead tonight," she finally says. "The living shouldn't be here."
"Then what about you?" he rasps.
He sounds young, but his voice is tired and broken. He doesn't turn or look at her.
"A part of me is already dead," she replies.
His left hand moves up to his face, touching something she can't see. "A part of me is dead, too." After a long silence, he continues. "I was looking for someone," he says. "Someone that meant the world to me. I've been searching for so long, and I thought I finally had a trail. But I've always been unlucky in life. I should have known where the trail would end."
Ursa's heart suddenly skips a beat. "Who were you looking for?"
The young man gently touches the words engraved on the stone. "Her."
She almost forgets to how breathe.
"Even when she left me," he says, "I kept going because I hoped she was out there somewhere. But now . . . I don't know what to do now."
"I'm here to see her too," Ursa whispers.
"You knew her?"
She takes a deep breath. "Ursa was once very important to me. I was heartbroken when she died, but she gave her life protecting what she cared about most. I think . . . she would tell you that her spirit is in peace, and that you should move on. She would want you to be happy, even without her. She . . . she would tell you that . . ." Her voice breaks. "She loves you, no matter who you are now."
He turns around and pulls his hood back.
"That sounds like something my mother would say."
In a single moment she takes it all in. The fiery scar over the left side of his face. The strong curve of his jaw. The messy black hair falling loose around his forehead, kept short, just long enough to tie back. The smile. She knows that smile. All of this she takes in, but the truth is in his eyes. His warm, tired eyes are a reflection of her own.
Ursa surges forward and crushes him between her arms, unable to hold back her tears.
"I'm sorry," she sobs. "Zuko, I'm so, so sorry."
He gently returns the hug. "You did what you had to, Mom." She brushes his face with her hands, both the scarred and unscarred sides, and she sees that only one of his eyes can cry. "I'm just glad you're alive," he murmurs. "Where were you all these years?"
She takes his hand and stands, pulling him upward, then gazing at the memorial stone.
"Dead," whispers Ursa. "I was dead."
. . .
They return to Raikiri Village together, and back at Noriko's—Ursa's house, she introduces him to her husband and her daughter. Kiyi takes a few minutes to absorb the news, then explodes with happiness at having a new older brother.
They eat dinner together, and Zuko tells tales of the war that make their eyes widen with wonder.
He tells of sneaking into fortresses, swimming under polar ice caps, fighting pirates, crossing deserts, serving tea in Ba Sing Se, learning firebending from dragons, teaching the Avatar, saving the world. Ursa has a feeling he's glossing over many of the darker moments in his stories. The more he speaks, the more her heart aches with familiarity, and the more the two sides of her, Ursa and Noriko, come to terms with each other.
Finally, after a decade of solitude, Ursa has found peace with herself. Her soul feels whole again.
Her son was the missing piece.
As his stories near the end of the war, Ursa's heart trembles for a different reason. Azula. She already fears where this story will end, but when he finally speaks of the Agni Kai and everything that happened, Ursa sighs in relief. She cries, but she is relieved. Azula is alive. Zuko is Fire Lord, Ozai is locked up, and Azula is alive.
That's a better ending than Ursa had expected.
When Kiyi begins to fall asleep, Ikem takes her to bed, leaving Ursa alone with her son.
"Tell me the rest, Zuko," she says. "The bad parts."
He hesitates, then begins speaking, and soon an unending flood of stories spills from his tongue. The more she hears, the more she cries. She learns of how he got his scar, and for the first time she hates the man who used to be her husband. She learns of all the struggles he faced, all the pain and suffering and hopelessness. She learns of how he still hates himself for his failures, for everyone he's hurt and betrayed and let down.
But in everything he says, she also hears hope and strength. Ursa smiles, because even in the face of so much suffering, her son has not forgotten who he is.
And the more Ursa hears, the more she picks up on another fact: Zuko doesn't need her anymore.
Ursa is glad he's found a family that will stand by him no matter what, in a way that she wasn't able to. Ursa is glad for her brother-in-law, who gave Zuko everything Ozai did not. Ursa is glad for the Avatar and his friends, who gave Zuko a home. And Ursa is glad for something she sees in Zuko's eyes whenever he mentions a certain name.
"So that was how I decided not to torture Ozai and instead used smell to track you," he explains. "I used your old wedding dress to give the shirshu your scent." He smiles. "And that's how I ended up here. I still don't understand why the shirshu led me to your memorial stone, though."
"I burned all my royal silks and left the ashes at that shrine when I put that stone up," explains Ursa. "It must have tracked the smell of the ash."
Zuko hums. "That explains it. Anyway, I found you, one way or another." He smiles. "Looking back, I'm glad Katara told me no when I asked her to bloodbend Ozai. She's infuriating but she always tries to help me do the right thing. If we had tortured him, it would have been for nothing. And Katara was right when she said there had to be some other way to find you. I just wish I had listened to her sooner. "
Ursa gives a teasing smile. "This Katara means a lot to you, doesn't she?"
"What?" Zuko blushes pink. "Well, yes. But not like that, Mom!"
"Are you sure?" asks Ursa in mock-concern. "You have this dreamy smile on your face whenever you talk about her . . ."
He scowls adorably. "Mom, stop that! Seriously!"
Ursa bursts into laughter, and Zuko's burning red face only makes it funnier. From what Zuko has said, Katara sounds compassionate, fierce, loyal, and beautiful, but to Ursa it's simple. Anyone who can make her son smile like this must be someone special.
Though Ursa has never met her, she loves Katara already.
. . .