"Steven," Pearl said again, softly, quietly.

Steven felt like his chest was crushing in on itself, pressing against his heart and squeezing until it finally stopped beating. Every so often, he'd feel it flutter in response, as if it was trying in vain to break out of the cage it was trapped in that was now steadily closing in on it. The room tilted violently, spiraling around him in a dizzyingly painful attempt to throw him off of his feet. But despite that, the hybrid stood startlingly steady with his feet on solid, unmoving ground. The walls were all that were spinning, and Steven numbly wished they would stop for a second, just long enough to let him compose himself and collect his thoughts enough to rationally react to the situation. He could do nothing but watch, breath hitching, as Pearl crossed the room to make her way over to where he stood dead in the center of it, reaching her hand out to him. Despite wanting to flinch back and avoid the touch, he kept himself still, letting her approach.

Her hand grazed against his cheek. The touch was cold; not the warm, soft brush of the gentle fingers he remembered. They scraped against his skin like… like stone, simultaneously hard and sharp. For a moment, he thought he was going to crumble under the simple touch, something that should have been reassuring, comforting, only making him feel even worse. "What did they do to you?" Pearl whispered, trailing her hand down slightly, toward his shoulder.

Steven jerked his shoulder back before she could touch him, but he felt the pain anyway, as if she'd already pressed down on the wounds that resided there. "What are you doing here?" The hybrid managed to spit the words out shakily, the first time he'd spoken since he'd mumbled her name. It had felt weird on his tongue, unnatural to say. Hearing her voice felt different, too; she was quiet, softer, speaking in almost muted tones. Barely audible enough for him to catch what she was saying - and yet somehow, he knew what she was muttering anyway, despite having to strain to actually hear the sound of her voice. It should have been familiar, it should have been comforting, but he couldn't find anything comforting about the situation right then. Something felt off about the situation… and he decided it was the fact that Pearl shouldn't be here at all, she shouldn't be standing in front of him, on Homeworld, in the Room with him. She was going to get caught here, she was going to get- hurt, and Steven wouldn't be able to save her from it. "You- you're supposed to be back on Earth." He pulled back a little. "With G- Garnet and…"

Pearl didn't answer. She stepped forward, moving with him, and he found himself backing away instinctively despite himself. "You're hurt," she noted carefully, her eyes flicking up and down as she looked him over. Steven hesitated slightly, lifting one of his mechanical hands to try and cover some of the tears in the uniform, the cuts revealing the scars and bruises beneath them. Watching her expression shift as she took him in was… frightening. He couldn't suppress the guilt that flooded his chest, churning in his stomach nauseatingly as she checked him over. She shouldn't be seeing him like this; it was one of the reasons he had been hesitant to even think about returning to Earth, the idea of his family and friends seeing him in such a vulnerable state. Seeing him so different from the sweet, happy little boy that had left. Blue Diamond had succeeded in stamping out his excitable immaturity, replacing it with bitter exhaustion and fear. He would have rather they assumed he was dead than to know what was really happening.

"How did you get here?" Steven asked cautiously after a moment, and she glanced up at him, furrowing her eyebrows, but she didn't speak. She continued forward, and Steven finally stopped backing away; he knew it was only a matter of time before he reached the other wall, and he knew being pinned up against it wasn't going to help his anxiety one bit. He also knew that, despite being incredibly uncomfortable and still wary and averse to any physical contact, he wasn't about to fight Pearl over getting close to him. So he sucked it up and leaned his head slightly to the side when she reached for him again, stretching up to brush his hair back. The curls fell right back into place; the corners of her lips curled downwards, gazing at him.

"I'm sorry," she breathed, pulling back, and Steven almost ached for the touch again.

His lower lip trembled as he fought to respond, not knowing why the apology had sealed his throat shut and pushed tears to his eyes, but desperate to refute it anyway. "It's not your fault," he told her hoarsely, swallowing thickly and shaking his head as he tried to compose himself. "It's not your fault," he repeated, sucking in a shuddering gasp. "I knew what I was doing…" He wanted to tell her everything, to admit that he didn't want to be there, that he wanted to go home. But he couldn't bring himself to utter the words, and he couldn't stifle the guilt he was feeling for even considering it, even for a second. "But you- you're not supposed to be here. They're going to recognize you, i- if-" He stopped again to breathe in, not knowing why it was so hard for him to get in a simple breath, but right then it was one of the hardest things in the world.

Pearl chuckled and shook her head slightly at that. He couldn't put a name to the expression on her face then, he couldn't figure out what emotion was there flickering through her eyes. "Turning yourself in as your mother… it must have been so hard," she said suddenly, and Steven furrowed his eyebrows slightly as he stared at her. "And scary. Telling them you shattered Pink Diamond…" She trailed off and sighed, looking up at him, and Steven just stared. "But they kept you alive," she continued softly. "They turned you into a soldier…" Her hands lifted again, this time to cup his chin; he flinched at the touch, but he didn't try to pull away. "It all has to be so terrifying… You've been so brave, Rose. You've been so brave, and so strong."

"It's…" Steven was already responding by the time he'd realized what Pearl had called him. Admittedly, the name went right over his head for the first few seconds; it felt oddly natural to him, responding to it like he was, but coming from Pearl - that was when it really started to settle in, the fact that something was dangerously wrong here, and he had the terrifying suspicion he might know what it was. The hybrid lifted his hands shakily, mechanical fingers curling around Pearl's wrist to pull her hands away. She was solid, touchable. He could feel her fingers pressing against the skin on his chin, brushing against his cheeks as he pulled her arms down. She felt so real - he didn't want to believe what he was thinking, but he also didn't want to accept that what she said could have been real, either. "What…" He swallowed. "What'd you…"

The glance Pearl offered him was almost harsh now, as she pulled her hands out of his grip. "You said it yourself. You knew what you were doing when you turned yourself in."

Steven rolled his shoulders back sharply, heart sinking. "I don't-"

"You know who you are," Pearl interrupted firmly. Her voice finally raised, if only slightly, and Steven couldn't do anything but stare at her now as she went on. "That's why you've given up, isn't it? Why you haven't really tried to tell them you're not Rose Quartz? You know you could convince them if you really tried to. You've already convinced the others, why not Blue Diamond? Why not Yellow Diamond? Why didn't you go home when you got the chance?"

"You're not real," Steven mumbled, squeezing his eyes shut. He finally backed away until his back hit the wall, letting himself slump back against it, knowing just as well that he was about to pass out at any second if he didn't get some kind of support to steady himself. He wasn't sure why his heart had stopped at the realization, why he could feel the last little bit of hope slowly churning and twisting, being torn away from him just like that. He hadn't wanted it to be her. He didn't want her to be here, on Homeworld, knowing she'd be hurt or worse if she was caught. But the fact that she wasn't real - that he was sitting here, talking to her, talking to Pearl, but knowing that it really wasn't her, it scared him even more. The realization that she felt so real to him, sounded so real, looked so real, but it was all in his head. He didn't know whether it was the sleep-deprivation, or everything he'd just gone through on the battlefield. He'd dealt with hallucinations in the Room before, the shadows, the hands. But he'd never dealt with something that felt as real as this. It was like he was in his mother's room, conjuring up a fake copy. Something tangible - not a hallucination, not an illusion that his mind was conjuring instead.

"Why are you letting them do this to you?" Pearl - no, Not-Pearl - demanded.

Steven shook his head, sliding down against the wall to sit down. "You're not real…"

"Because you know you're in there, Rose," Not-Pearl continued softly. "You've known it all along. That's why you felt like you had to turn yourself in, isn't it? You're finally remembering. You're finally realizing that you're you." He didn't say anything; he didn't dare open his mouth, just squeezed his eyes shut even tighter as Not-Pearl spoke to him, wishing she would stop. "That you've always been you. And you had everyone going for a while there, didn't you? You had Garnet convinced, you had Amethyst convinced, and Greg, and even me…" Not-Pearl chuckled, as Steven lifted his hands to his head, curling his mechanical fingers over his ears. "You even convinced yourself you were someone else. But you're really not, are you, Rose?"

"Stop it!" Steven finally begged, dropping his arms and snapping his head up to look up at her. "I'm not my mom! I'm not Rose Quartz, okay? I know who I am! I'm Steven!"

"That's what you want yourself to believe, isn't it?" Not-Pearl chuckled. She lowered herself to the floor in front of him, sitting cross-legged and offering him a smile. "Why do you hate yourself so much? Even now. Even when you didn't even know you were you, you hated yourself. Hiding from yourself isn't helping anything, and lying to yourself… it's just hurting you even more."

Despite himself, Steven faltered, and Not-Pearl pressed on calmly, "that's why you're ready to give up on Blue Diamond, isn't it? And why you're so obsessed with saving the rest of Homeworld. You wanted to do the exact same thing before," she crooned, and Steven shook his head furiously, once again ducking his head to press his mechanical fingers against his ears. "You can't hide from it anymore, Rose. You can't hide from everyone else, and you can't hide from yourself. Sooner or later you're going to have to face the fact that you were always you. That maybe they're right about the memory problems, about you being Earth for too long, about you trying to change into something you're not. You made yourself half-human, but you've still got your gem. Which means you're still in there, whether you want to remember it or not."

She huffed out a laugh as she continued next, "you did exactly what you're doing now, aren't you? Trying to forget, trying to push Earth, and us, and your home and family out of your mind. Forgetting little things bit by bit, if only temporarily. You suppressed everything about Homeworld just like you're trying to suppress everything about Earth, and now it's all unraveling again." Not-Pearl fell silent then, as if waiting for Steven to react; the hybrid just kept his hands over his ears, kept his head ducked and stared at the floor in front of him, just trying to ignore her. "That's why you're not going back. You can't explain it, but some part of you wants to stay. Some part of you remembers that you had a home here once, and maybe you want that back. Maybe Earth just isn't enough for you anymore. So you're pushing yourself to forget Earth, refusing to leave, because you know where you really belong." Not-Pearl's voice softened. "You know you're exactly where you should be. You know you're exactly what you should be."

"Shut up," Steven finally snarled, losing his patience. He shoved himself up, ignoring the way the room spun in response to him standing up so quickly, so abruptly. "You're wrong! That's not why I don't want to go back! I don't want to go back because I- because I can't! Because I have to stay here and- and help the Homeworld gems, and because if I go back now, I- … I…"

"Have to deal with the fact that you're actually cracking?" Not-Pearl grinned up at him, a shark-like expression that didn't at all resemble the soft, warm smiles she usually offered him. Such a malicious expression looked so unnatural written across her face like that; he choked on his words for a second, desperately scrambling to pull himself together and sort them out again. "Because then you have to deal with everyone being concerned, and you have to deal with the fact that not only are you trying to suppress those memories of yours, but you're actually doing it, aren't you? You're actually forgetting things, one thing after the next. You've got empty gaps where memories should be. You struggle to remember faces, and names, and voices. At least-" Not-Pearl laughed, tilting her head. "Names and faces and voices you aren't surrounded by."

"No." Steven shook his head, curling his mechanical fingers into fists. "No-"

Not-Pearl's grin continued to widen, looking up at him. "No? What does Greg look like? What does he sound like? What about the girl you train with, your best friend? What's her name?"

"I know her name," Steven insisted, but his breathing hitched slightly at the rapidly-fired questions, struggling to wrap his mind around all of them. "Connie. Her name is Connie. And- and my Dad, I know what he-" The hybrid clenched his teeth and faltered again. Now that he was thinking about it - really thinking about it for the first time, really letting himself think about them, he couldn't… he couldn't answer the question. He couldn't put a face to either of the names, he couldn't put a voice to them. He knew who they were, but he couldn't remember what they looked like, what they sounded like. He couldn't remember them. "I know… he…" Steven rolled his shoulders back sharply, pupils shrinking as he stared at the hallucination.

"It's hard to think about people you can't remember, isn't it?" Not-Pearl cooed. "It would all just be easier to stop thinking about them, to stop remembering. Because then you can focus. Then you can focus on digging past those memories and uncovering your real ones, right? The ones you have of your real home. The ones you have of Homeworld, of the rebellion, of the first war. The ones you have of shattering Pink Diamond. You know you did that, too - that's why you feel so guilty, isn't it? That's why you felt bad enough to turn yourself in. You were guilty."

"Stop it," Steven choked out, voice cracking as he shook his head again. "Stop it!"

"And the fact that it was so easy to forget things about Earth makes you wonder, doesn't it?" Not-Pearl commented idly, tilting her head to one side and looking up at him. The grin faded into a smirk after a moment, dangerous and cold and just as malicious as the grin had looked. "Makes you wonder if it was that easy to suppress your memories about Homeworld. And that scares you. The fact that you don't want to go back to Earth scares you even more. The fact that you're starting to think of this as home, that you're making friends here, that you're thinking of Blue Diamond as your Diamond more and more, it scares you. And it makes you angry."

"Shut up!"

"You're pathetic," Not-Pearl sneered. "You're a coward. You've always been a coward, and you'll always be a coward. You think turning yourself in to Homeworld was an act of sacrifice, do you? Well, here's what I think." She leaned forward, curling her lips back. "It was a suicide mission. One last attempt to make yourself disappear forever, because you know you deserve it." That alone hurt more than any physical blow could have. Steven froze and recoiled, staring at the hallucination silently, and Not-Pearl threw her head back with a laugh. "See?! You can't even deny it!" She exclaimed, gracefully pushing herself up to her feet. "Because you told the Diamonds you wanted to be shattered at the trial. You're the one that said you deserved it! You're not a hero, you're a guilty villain who can't stand the weight of what you've done anymore. You made yourself forget it, but now it's all coming back to you and you can't stop it. Now you've got to deal with it. Now they're making you deal with it."

"That's not…" Steven wavered again, collapsing back against the wall sharply.

"Who are you angry at?" Not-Pearl asked with a grin. "Who are you really angry at?"

Steven didn't respond. He just stood there for a moment, staring back at her for a while, before slowly sliding himself back down against the wall to sit down. She wasn't real; there was nothing he could do to shut her up, but she wasn't real. She was just in his head. The real Pearl would never tell him this stuff, the real Pearl would never be so heartless and cruel and mean. The real Pearl knew who he was, as much as she had loved Rose, as much as she missed her.

"Maybe," Not-Pearl declared with a grin. "But you'll never see her again, will you? Because you can't bring yourself to do the really brave thing and make yourself go back there."

"Shut up," Steven whispered harshly, but he knew it was useless. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly, once again struggling to rationalize the spinning, spiraling thoughts racing through his head. He'd had doubts like that before, he'd had the thought cross his mind every so often that… yeah, maybe it was memory problems. Maybe he really was her. But the thoughts never lasted for too long, because he never wanted to believe they were true. He kept himself distracted from him and pushed forward to do whatever it is he had set his mind to do at the time. And that was why he kept himself so busy - at least, it was part of the reason, anyway. Running from his past, running from his thoughts, trying to keep them from catching up. But now it seemed like he could run as long and far as he wanted; but the moment he stopped, for even a split second, the second they caught up to him, it was even worse than it had ever been.

By the time he blinked his eyes open, Not-Pearl was gone. Vanished, as if she'd never been there. Steven stared at the spot she had been in just a moment before, letting his shoulders droop and slumping back against the wall again with a quiet, shaky sigh. He ended up just staring at the ceiling after that, for who knows how long, gathering his thoughts and once again trying not to break down into hysterics, swallowing back the screams threatening to escape.

When the lights started flickering, he closed his eyes again and grimaced. First the lights. Then the buzzing. Then the earrings sang their familiar tune, chirping and chiming as they activated.

You are Rose Quartz…

"Ohhh….
It's getting late now…
But to me, it's just beginning…"

Steven didn't know exactly how long he was in the room for, but he did know that it was definitely more than just a few hours. At first, he'd just spent his time pacing and listening to the earrings like he used to do. Listening to the words they repeated over and over again. But after his conversation with Not-Pearl, everything it said hit a little harder than it used to. So after a few hours had passed, he'd begun singing, trying to drown out the words from the earrings.

"This life's tearing me to pieces
And I know I've been defeated, oh… no…" Steven sighed, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. He was stretched out on his back, one arm sprawled out beside him and the other one curled over his stomach. Candy had come in to give him the new uniform a while ago, but since the earrings shocked him every time he or the Pearl had tried to take the limb enhancers off, they'd just decided to leave it be and Steven would try to maneuver the uniform around them. And, thanks to the somewhat stretchy fabric, he'd been able to with only a little bit of a struggle; they weren't that different, design-wise, from the old ones - which were discarded in a corner of the room. But they were definitely a little more comfortable than the other ones had been. So he'd been able to relax, just a little bit, after he'd changed. He stretched out further and winced a little as he did, curling his mechanical fingers against his gem and breathing out heavily.

"And Homeworld only knows…"

He'd had a lot to think about. Things that didn't completely center around his conversation with Not-Pearl - but, thanks to her, he had ended up giving a little more thought to the idea Berry had proposed to him. Going back to Earth with a few of the Homeworld gems to think of a new plan. It wasn't a bad idea, he had to give the Ruby credit for that. He didn't like the idea of abandoning Homeworld, still, but… he also knew Berry was a gem of her word more often than not. If she said she was going to do something, she tended to do it. She wanted to save Homeworld as much as he did, not just get away from it for a little while. She would ensure they went back eventually, when they had the time to rationalize, to think, to actually plan something.

"I've never seen someone like this before," he sang when the earrings chimed, drowning out the familiar mantra with his melancholy, slow melody instead. "Can't carry on a second more…"

You are Rose Quartz Facet-1 Cut-8BR.

"And I'm staring at the ceiling…"

Your Diamond is Blue Diamond.

"Wondering if the reaper's close…"

You are a soldier, nothing else.

"And Homeworld only knows…"

And he was starting to think… maybe Berry was right. Maybe he should go back home. Maybe he should pack as many Homeworld gems into the ship as he could, whoever wanted to come, and just get out of there. Maybe he really was just torturing himself here for no real reason. If there was a chance he'd be able to still do something from the outside… why shouldn't he?

"That there ain't no drug in all the world
Like being you…" Steven curled his fingers tighter around his gem, closing his eyes once more. There was nothing else he could do here. There was a war, but Not-Pearl was right, wasn't she? He was just trying to distract himself from the inevitable, from the fact that he was ready to give up. He didn't want to do that - but every second spent on Homeworld was another second he could feel himself crumbling and slipping, another second he could feel his resolve wavering. Berry had been right, too; he wasn't going to be able to save anybody if he broke, himself. And thinking back to the battlefield, thinking back to the irrational, blind fury he had been feeling, the hallucinations - just, all of it, it all added up to him unraveling. Not-Pearl had been right about that, at least; he was cracking under the pressure, and he couldn't pretend he wasn't anymore.

"Glory on the battlefield
Just had to do…"

He wasn't giving up, he told himself. He was just… he was just going to get his thoughts in order, to put his emotions back in check. He knew he couldn't do that as long as he was here. He did want to get back to the gems, he told himself. He didn't want to just forget them. He wanted to see his dad's face again, he wanted to hear Connie's voice. He wanted to see them. He wanted a hug from the real Pearl, he wanted to feel Garnet ruffle his hair again, he wanted Amethyst to tease him. He wanted to tell them all about what he was planning to do; he wanted to tell them that he was going to save Homeworld, and that he wanted their help to do it.

He wanted to go home.

"Won't somebody save me?
I am screaming, out of breath…" He murmured.

He was going home.

"And my shadow, he's holding the scythe
With those hands that I… once possessed…"

By the time the punishment was over, Steven had stopped singing. He had to admit, being able to lay around and stretch out after so long of training and fighting was actually pretty nice - he was starting to wonder if this was actually supposed to be a punishment or not, because it certainly didn't feel like it. When the door opened, he was busying himself with finally trying to heal the scars. He started with the ones on his face and neck; he could feel the sting as he brushed his mechanical fingers over his skin, so he knew he was definitely either scarred or bruised. The problem was that when he stuck his fingers in his mouth and pressed them to the spots that were hurting, the pain didn't let up. The stinging continued. He wasn't healing.

So he spent a while mulling over the possibilities of why; he was healing other gems just fine. At least, he had been during the fight. He didn't think anything had particularly changed, either. His powers were working, not on the fritz - he summoned and de-summoned his shield a few times, and ignored the warning buzz the earrings offered him when he did - but it definitely wasn't him. Something was wrong, and he couldn't figure it out. But he stopped when the door opened, reluctantly heaving himself to his feet and preparing to salute. As angry as he was with Blue Diamond recently, it was probably in his best interest to be quiet and respectful right then if he wanted to be able to leave and carry out Berry's plans. But before he could completely lift his arms into the salute, the door finished opening and the Ruby, herself, strode through, grinning.

"Berry?" Steven dropped his arms, surprised but not at all disappointed. As far as that went, he'd much rather it be Berry who came to retrieve him rather than Blue Diamond, but he honestly hadn't expected it. He figured he was going to get a stern talking-to before he was let out - unless Berry wasn't here on orders, and she was popping in without Blue Diamond's knowledge, but in that case they were probably both going to get in trouble. "What're you-"

"You wanna hear what you've missed over the past three days?" Berry interrupted, her eyes practically starry as she paused in front of him. "Then you better shut up and listen."

Steven arched an eyebrow, but he snapped his mouth shut after a moment.

"Okay. Alright." Berry sucked in a deep breath. "So, first of all, Yellow Diamond totally just went the shards off on Blue Diamond after she got back. She was really upset we lost the battle, and really upset that she gave the order to have the rebels shattered. And then Blue Diamond got upset because Agate had to reassure Yellow by showing her all the bubbled gems we got, which just made Yellow even more upset, and- oh my stars, hybrid, you should've been there. She was practically yelling at Blue in front of all of Homeworld, and everyone was just-" The Ruby stopped and sucked in a breath, letting it out with a cackle. "It was beautiful. I think it was the first time I ever had any kind of respect for Yellow, and I'm never going to forget it."

"Wow…" Steven trailed off, but he couldn't help but smile despite himself. The Ruby's enthusiasm was infectious, he couldn't quite deny that. But he also knew he had to spit out what he wanted to say while he could, and since the earrings had shut themselves up now, the hybrid figured it was safe to say what he wanted to say as long as he was still inside the Room. "Definitely sounds tense. Listen, I-" He paused, running his tongue over his lips, and hesitated. But it only lasted for a second before he pressed on, "I think we should do it."

Berry blinked at him, wrinkling her nose. "Do what?"

"What you were talking about. About… Earth." Steven studied her face cautiously, relaxing when the earrings didn't shock him. Berry's expression shifted almost immediately, and this time, the excitement that crossed her face was accompanied by a slight twinkle of pride.

"I knew you'd come around." The Ruby grinned. "Come on."