~~~~~~ I don't wanna fall asleep

I don't wanna pass away

I've been thinking of our future 'cause I'll never see those days ~~~~~~~~

~~~~~ I know everyone goes to the same dark places, sometimes in the dead of night when you think you can't make it ~~~~~~~~

Tara's POV:

I have spent all night reiterating to Jax that he cannot mention the baby at any cost. He is so belligerent sometimes, just refusing to accept that others might know better than him.

I guess that is one undeniable trait of his upbringing by Clay. Not that Jax would ever liken himself to Clay.

All night, despite Jax's reassurances, I have felt compelled to read his letter. Just to check that he has stayed within the parameters of the task. I mean Jax, bless his heart, has never had a filter. His emotions mimic that of a raging bull; hard to ignore and very vocal.

Despite this, I have managed to suppress my urges. I need to trust Jax, if he is adamant that he hasn't mentioned the baby then I must believe him. The whole purpose of this task is for the letters to be individual, if I alter Jax's musings then I will have defeated the object.

I look at my alarm. Jesus, 3 am. Another nine hours to go. I look at Jax, burrowed deep in the covers. His face the epitome of relaxation. God, I resent his carefree attitude sometimes.

Years of studying and working in medicine have taught me that today will not be easy. Group therapy can be very tough, as mental illnesses are emotionally draining for everyone involved. Mental illnesses care for no one, they cause untold pain and destruction, ruining the lives of many.

I just hope today will run smoothly, gently helping Gemma along the long road to recovery.

With that positive thought I snuggle into Jax, letting sleep fall upon me.

Gemma's POV:

Sleep is a fools game, so they say.

Well, my ma used to say anyway. I don't hear from her as much now, but I feel like she is always there. Her words chipping away at the surface, determined to return to the forefront of my mind. The only thing preventing her is these god damn meds.

Don't know what I would do without these meds, as much as I hate taking them. I ain't stupid, meds cause weight gain. I will end up as fat as a fool. Yet, as much as that thought terrifies me, it is better than hearing her insidious voice.

I glance over at the clock, which is irritatingly tilted too far to the left. 3 am. Bollocks. As much as I am dreading today, this waiting around is the worst. If Lich hadn't taken away my letter, I would have ripped it up by now. Doubts about what I have written are creeping in.

What if I was too honest? What if I upset Jax? What if Clay loses his temper? What if everything ends up becoming worse?

Lich knew I would end up like this, that's why she collected the letter. Shit, it's like that woman knows me better than I know my god damn self.

I try to take deep breaths, if I lose it and hurt myself then I will lose any chance of getting outta here. If today goes well, then I will be one step closer to getting out of this hellhole.

When I first wrote that letter, I felt something change inside. I was flooded with so many feelings, feelings of anger, resentment and pain. But, as odd as it may seem, it was cathartic. Putting pen to paper as a way of expressing my emotions is so much easier than speaking them. It's not only less embarrassing, but it allows for more coherency. My feelings stop being this jumbled up mess inside of my head. They became sensical, allowing for me to be in control. It is the first time I have felt any sense of power since being in here. It made me feel free, even if it is in a restricted way.

The letter isn't the only thing I have wrote. These past few days I have spent hours writing. Noting down things that I could never speak of. Well, I might show Lich a few things, but definitely not the family. Shit, I am panicking about my letter, which is the most watered-down version of everything I have written. If Jax, or the others, were to read some of the other stuff I have written, they would never let me out of their fucking sight.

Today is going to be so hard.

I have no idea how seeing Clay is going to turn out. The last time we talked he made it clear he hated me. How could he have changed his opinion since then? If anything it has probably worsened, with him not seeing me and that.

It's going to be really, really fucking awkward.

I wish I could feel more prepared for this. Not knowing what questions they are gonna ask, what they have written down, is fucking terrifying.

I bury my head under the covers, trying to distract myself. If I carry on thinking about today I am going to end up hurting myself. Big time. I start counting, loud enough to drown out my worries but not loud enough to alert the nurses.

" 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi..."

Mid-day:

Tara's POV:

Unser, Clay, Tig and I have bee sat here for ten minutes, all of which have been filled with a deafening silence.

The room is clinical, unsettling really. The walls are a pristine white, with not even a single decoration on them. The only dash of colour in the room is the chairs we are sitting on. They are bright red, child-like chairs which emanate a dreadful scraping sound if you move ever so slightly. Such decor helps to create an unsettling environment, contrary to its purpose. This environment doesn't exude a feeling of openness, rather it renders you unable to speak. For me, I feel more at home in Gemma's hospital room, where there is at least some signs of life.

However, the most unsettling thing is not the room itself, it's Clay's demeanour. A few days ago he was in such a state, dishevelled and disinterested in life. Now, he is clean shaven, dressed smart and clutching his letter tightly. He looks nothing like the monster we have been subjected to these last few months. He looks extremely calm, the only signal of any distress being his knuckles, which have turned white due to the tight grip of his letter. I can only hope that he is genuinely making an effort for Gemma, instead of playing a role.

I guess we will soon find out.

The door swings open, revealing Lich and Gemma. To look at Gemma now compared to how she was a few months ago, is incredible. Don't get me wrong, she is still pale and thin, but she looks alive. Not the walking corpse she once was. I just pray that her mental health will also improve, not just for her but for Jax. Jax relies on Gemma more than she could ever know, or that Jax would like to admit.

Lich sits down, gesturing for Gemma to take the seat next to her. Gemma gingerly sits down, her eyes darting around the room. She faintly smiles before returning her gaze to the floor.

Lich clears her throat. "Hello everyone, thank you for all attending today".

I go to reply but the room is eerily quiet. Everyone's response is non-verbal, a grunt or a nodding of the head. I opt for the latter.

Lich seemingly ignores our silence. "So, this session will begin with everyone reading their letters out loud. Gemma will go first, before listening to the rest of you. After that, there will be a discussion. This will involve you all asking questions et cetera. Is everyone happy with that?"

I decide to answer this time, shocked at the hoarseness of my own voice. "Yes, that sounds good".

"Okay. So Gemma, shall we begin?"

I watch as Lich reassuringly taps Gemma's knee. Gemma looks nervous, her foot rapidly tapping the floor. "Well...errr...hey everyone, I...um".

Lich leans towards Gemma. "Take your time Gemma. Try to look at everyone as you speak, if you can?"

Gemma nods. "Yeah doc. Sure. Err, well here it goes".

Gemma fixes her gaze on me. I expected that, I am less judgemental than the others. Plus, it's probably easier to address such difficult topics to a non blood relative.

"To all of you,

I know I have hurt you, hurt you in the most unimaginable ways. I can't expect you to forgive me. Shit, I can't even forgive myself. What I did, it was selfish. I...". Gemma pauses, the tears beginning to flood down her face.

I look over at the others, all of them with bowed heads, trying to hold their tears back.

Gemma continues. "I ... I couldn't see the damage that I was going to cause. I couldn't see how you would all be so devastated. To me, shit, it's hard to explain. It was like I didn't have a future. To me, that day was the last day of my life. It was like I had no control over it, all I knew was that I had run out of tomorrow's. I had literally ran out of time. I...". Gemma pauses again, her tears now having turned into gasps. Her pain is so raw, so real, I find myself trying to bite my own tears back.

I look at Jax. His eyes have turned misty from his tears. He looks destroyed, like his whole world has crashed around him. Tig and Unser are both crying, and Clay, well he has just buried his head in his hands.

Lich interjects. "You are doing really well Gemma. Take your time and carry on when you are ready".

Gemma wipes her eyes. "The pain that I felt, shit, still feel, is overwhelming. As I walked to that lockup, it was like my legs were weighted. Every step was torture. Almost like being stuck in quicksand. But, when I got in there everything changed. Fuck, this is hard to say".

Lich once again encourages her, resting her hand on her leg.

"Once I took those pills I felt free. I could feel ease for the first time in months. As the drugs began to work and my head started spinning, I was happy. So fucking happy. Which I know is an awful thing to say, but that is truly how I felt. Knowing that I would no longer be here was empowering. I loved it, I really did".

Jax stands up, furiously kicking the chair back. He starts pacing around the room, running his hands through his hair. I don't blame him, what she is saying is so dreadful. I never dreamt it would be this hard.

Lich gestures at Jax. "Please sit down Jax. Your mom hasn't finished yet".

Gemma, for the first time since speaking, turns away from me, and faces Jax. Jax notices this, and sits down quickly. I think he is surprised that she is making eye contact with him.

She inhales and exhales deeply. "I know what I am saying is vile. God, I feel vile for even saying it. But, this is my truth". She reaches out, taking Jax's hand into hers.

"This is how I felt. But, if this makes sense, it was about me. It was never about any of you. I was so intent on destroying myself, I never took the time to think about how much I love all of you, even you Clay". She looks over at Clay, laying her letter down on the floor, outstretching her other arm.

To my surprise Clay takes it, squeezing her hand tightly. But not in his usual, aggressive way. Instead, he takes her hand in a loving way.

"I love you both so much, more than you could ever imagine. You both make me so proud. Jax, you are the perfect son. You never fail to amaze me. You are the definition of heaven on earth. Clay, you and me were so perfect. You are still the love of my life, but sometimes it just feels like I am no longer yours".

Clay interrupts her, his voice cracking. "But you are Gem. My god you are. I fucking love you".

Gemma nods at him. "I know you do darlin'. It's just, my head is telling me different. My head is constantly telling me that I ain't good enough, that I ain't important. My head makes me question whether anyone loves me".

Jax and Clay reply in unison. "But we do".

I rub my eyes, this scene is so touching. Husband, wife and son with their arms interlinked, declaring their love for each other. All three of them unapologetically crying, their tears dripping down onto their clothes.

Gemma must notice my own tears, because she turns to look at me. "I love all of you. Everyone in this room, everyone at the club, just everyone. I just wish...wish that I could love myself in the same way. I just wish I...I could have power over what is going on inside my head. You guys make me want to live, but my fucking head wants me to die. I'm so so sorry".

And with that, Unser, Tig and I all run over to Gemma. All of us wrapping our arms around her small frame. Hugging her, holding her close. Letting her know how much we love her, how we feel her anguish and how we are all in pain too.

Lich's POV:

Watching Gemma holding hands with Jax and Clay, smothered in hugs by her closest friends, is just heartwarming. She has been so candid, yet so eloquent. She has done what I asked, and for that I am very relieved.

She has proven that she can engage in the process of recovery. Before, she was too afraid to admit how she felt, but now she is openly admitting how she feels suicidal. How she hopes that she will want to live one day, is just fantastic. A paradox if you will, a heartbreaking statement which brings me, as a therapist, such joy. Hope, that with time, I will get Gemma to a place where she wants a future.

I gather myself, but allow for their embrace to continue for a little longer. This is what Gemma needs, she needs to know that she is supported no matter what. That she is free to say how she feels, without any repercussions.

I didn't expect such reactions, I thought Clay and Jax would over-react or lose their temper. To my surprise they have coped very well.

I cough gently, a noise bringing all of them back to reality. They all return to back to their seats.

"So, who would like to read their letter next?"

I expect no answer but to my surprise Tigger puts his hand up. "I have two, one from the club and one from myself. Is that okay?"

"Of course. Whenever you are ready".

Tara's POV:

That moment was pretty special. I am so glad that we could all unite to show Gemma how much we cared. I am so proud of Jax for not freaking out over what she said. Shit, I'm even proud of Clay.

And that is a sentence I will probably never say again.

I try to bring myself back to earth. I look at Tig, surprised that he wants to go first, I mean he is visibly choked by what Gemma has already said.

He pulls a crinkled letter from out of his pocket, and looks at Gemma. "This is from the guys, so yeah, get ready for some pretty shit grammar".

Gemma smiles at him, but starts wringing her hands, clearly nervous of what she is about to hear.

"Hey Gemma,

It's Bobby here. I just wanted to let you know how much we all love you and miss you being here. You have always been there for me, so let us all be here for you now. Get better, because if anyone deserves it, it's you.

Aye darlin' it's Chibs here. You are the most amazing woman I have ever met. You are not only gorgeous but you are so bloody kind. You have always put others before yourself, but now is the the time to look after yourself. Get better darlin', because I sure miss seeing ya face.

Gemma, it's Piney here. You know I ain't the best with words, never have been. But, we have all been heartbroken over what you have been doing to yourself. You need to get some help Gemma. Help doesn't make you weak, it makes you so fucking strong. Stay strong and see you soon.

Hey mom. Yeah, I ain't Jax, but you are my mom. Ever since I was a kid, you have looked after me. My old man even admits you did more parenting than him or my ma together. You have always put everyone else first, so let us do that for you now. Get better, so much love.

Opie x

Hmm Gemma. How's it going? Hope you are feeling better, when you can come home we are going to have a massive piss-up. Plus, I have added lots more smiley faces to my collection which you have got to see! Keep going.

Happy :)

Gemma, I know I called you a milf, which probably offended you even though you are. I don't care that it pissed off Clay, I ain't apologising! You are hot! Anyway, get back here! We all love you and need you!

Prospect (well hopefully not for much longer!)

Hey Gem, it's Juice. Miss you lots, get well soon!"

For the first time in ages Gemma laughs, a proper laugh, not forced or anything. Even Clay raises a grin.

Jax speaks up. "Gonna kill Prospect when we get back".

But Tig doesn't smile. I think he is too nervous about his letter, how he is going to speak to Gemma without losing his macho facade.

Tig's POV:

Reading the letter from the guys was hard enough, but reading my own is gonna hurt like a bitch. I ain't used to writing much, but I knew that I has to do this. To try to explain to Gemma how much she means to me, how she needs to stay on this god damn earth.

I look at her, even ill she is still gorgeous. But when I hugged her, I could still feel her bones. Shit, what must she have been like when she first got in here? Man, it ain't even worth thinking about.

I pull my letter out from under my cut, it's crinkled and looks like a child wrote it, but nonetheless it's mine and I am proud of it. It's my chance to tell Gemma how she has to get better. How she broke my heart into a million pieces. Pieces that I am still trying to put back together.

That Lich woman nods at me, giving me the approval to start reading. She seems alright, just a bit posh. Well, I suppose anyone sounds posh to us lot. Motorcycles clubs ain't known for their use of language. Well, polite language anyway.

"Right, so I guess it's my turn to read my own letter. Err.. it might be a bit shit but...".

Gemma leans forward and grabs my hand. "Go on Tiggy. I can take it. I think".

God. Here it goes.

"When I was asked to write this letter, I thought it would be too hard to explain how I feel, felt even. But it isn't, it's simple. Life has been fucking awful these last few months, but not as awful as it would of been if you weren't here. If you had of succeeded. That night..."

Fuck, my voice is cracking like a girl. Fucking hell, I gotta man the fuck up. I look at Gemma, her tears are about to set me off.

I cough, in an attempt to get rid of my shaky voice.

It fails.

"That night was the hardest night of my life Gem. I have dealt with death my whole life, but this was different. Something inside me broke. Something that I have desperately been trying to mend. But the truth is, I ain't gonna be mended until you are. When you are better, I will be better. When you are better, the world will be better".

Gem is properly crying now, but I gotta carry on. She needs to hear how special she is.

"Since you have been in hospital, I have had a lot of time to think. All I kept thinking of is how you have never accepted one of my compliments. I always thought it was because of Clay, but now I know why. It's because you can't accept them. You can't accept that people think of you in such a positive way, because you can't see it yourself. You can't see how fucking perfect you are. Which is a real shame Gem. I guess that is why you made me get those pills, pills to make you skinny. Fucking hell Gem, if you could've seen what I saw that day, you would have been terrified. You looked so ill and I can't fucking forgive myself for giving you those pills. I shouldn't of, I shouldn't...".

Gemma shakes my hand. "That's on me Tiggy, that ain't on you. I'm so sorry".

"I'm sorry Gem. I could see you were ill, I let you down".

She shakes her head. "No, I let you down Tig. I did".

Lich places her clipboard on the floor. " I think, like I have told you before Gemma, this is a case where no one is at fault. Tigger, you did what you thought was for the best. Gemma, you were seriously ill and desperate. Neither of you should blame yourselves."

I rub my eyes. "Thanks doctor. That's all I really have to say. I care so deeply for Gem, that's all I wanted to get across".

Lich smiles at me. " I think you did a great job".

Unser's POV:

Watching Tig and Gem managed to pull at my heart strings. I had no idea that Tig was so good with words, I guess that's a stereotype of him being in the club.

I just hope that I get across what I want to say effectively because, to tell the truth, I felt so angry writing my letter. I hate myself for it, why should I be angry with Gemma? She can't help being ill.

I make the mistake of looking up at Lich. She seems okay, if not a little preppy. Like, you wouldn't see her hanging around our neck of the woods much. I think she would rather die a thousand deaths than visit us at the club.

Fucking hell. Who am I to talk? If it weren't for Gemma, I wouldn't even speak to the others. I have only ever made an effort for her.

Lich holds my gaze. "Wayne. Would you like to read your letter next?"

I turn to look at Gemma. Fucking hell, even ill she is captivating. Her eyes suck you in, trapping you, like a fly in a spiders web. "Yeah. Sure".

I look away again. What Gemma doesn't understand is that even looking at her is painful. Knowing that she was prepared to die, to leave us, it's just too raw. I just hope I can keep my emotions in check.

"Gemma, it's hard to know where to begin. It's hard to know how I can word what I truly feel. You have been a part of my life ever since you were a child. Jesus, I remember all the times you ran away from home and I would be dispatched to track you down. Even then you knew Charming like the back of your hand. I remember you, about a year before you left town, running away after school. Shit, no one could find you. All night we were running around, chasing our tails really. But then I had this feeling, this instinct that you wouldn't be stupid enough to be hiding out in the cold. I went back to your school, pacing up and down the corridors, until I heard this creaking noise in the janitors closet. I pushed it open and you were just sat there, surrounded by blankets and supplies. I can remember what you said to me, clear as day..."

Gemma laughs, startling me. "I remember Wayne. I asked you what had taken you so long, and basically said you were a shitty cop".

Jesus, I never dreamt that she would remember. Christ, it was nearly 45 years ago. "Yeah, you're right Gem. None of us had any control over you. Especially me, you knew I was only young myself".

Gemma looks at me. "You might've not known it Wayne, but I actually respected you. Big time. You were the only cop that I ever liked. Still the same now".

I look at Lich who nods at me, a polite way of telling me to continue. "Well anyway, that was the day I knew I loved you. Not in a creepy way, but in a big brother or almost fatherly kind of way. I knew that I would always do anything to protect you. I thought that was over when you left town. I mean, you were a loud-mouthed sixteen year old, determined to put the world to rights. You swore that you would never come back. To my surprise you were back ten years later, with a family and motorcycle club in tow. Seeing you again, it brought back all of my love for you. I knew then, as I do now, that I would forever be here for you. That I would always be there to protect you. And I think I have always managed to do so, until I found you that night".

I watch Gemma recoil, fearful of what I am going to say next.

"I know you don't want to discuss it, and I would never push you into doing so. So all I am going to say is that everything fell apart in my life at that point. Just like it did for you. Ever since then, I have felt so much sadness. Sadness that I wasn't there to protect you. I have felt so much anger. Anger that I have allowed for you to destroy yourself ever since that night". I pause, feeling myself beginning to choke up. It's so hard saying these things to Gemma, it feels like I am adding to her pain.

But I need to push on. I need to do this. As much for me, as for her. "I guess, what I am trying to say, is that I wish that you had asked for help. From me, from anyone. I wish you had never made that suicide attempt. That fateful decision. It's so fucking hard to think that you could be dead right now. That, only by chance, I can speak to you today. It's so fucking painful and it made me so angry. I hated you that night. I hated you for so many weeks after."

I look at her eyes which are filled with fear. Eyes that likely harbour a waterfall of tears.

"But I want to make it clear Gem that I don't hate you anymore. Even then, the hate was more to do with love. I just couldn't reconcile what you had done. But now I can. Even though I will never understand why you took those pills, at least not fully anyway, I do understand that you are in a lot of pain. Pain that needs to be dealt with. You need to get better Gem. And I can assure you, I will be here for you. I will always be supporting you. I love you Gem. I always will".

Before I know it, Gemma is hugging me. Her tiny arms wrapped around my neck. She leans towards me and whispers softly in my ear, "I love you too Wayne. More than you could ever know".

With her face pressed against mine, it is hard to know who is crying the most.

I think it's me.

Lich's POV:

Unser was very articulate and genuine. It is evident that he cares very deeply for Gemma, that he truly has her best interests at heart.

Watching them embrace now is truly touching. I always like to pause and allow for times like these. I think it is very useful to allow for moments of emotion, for clients to see that they are loved, as well as to show love themselves.

Yet, I am prudent enough to realise that time is ticking by. Everyone here deserves to be heard, without any rush.

I look over at Tara. "Would you like to go next?"

Tara smiles at me. "Yes of course".

Tara's POV:

As Gemma returns to her seat, I feel nervous. It's hard to express how I feel about Gemma, our relationship has never been without its complexities. As such, I have to walk a fine line between being supportive but also authentic. If I were to exaggerate my love, it would be disingenuous. Such false honesty could be detrimental according to Lich.

I iron out my letter, which has become crinkled from my excessive hand twirling, and look directly at Gemma. "Hi Gemma,

As I am writing this, for the hundredth time, I am obsessing over whether it is appropriate to say hi. If I should just say hello, or avoid an opener entirely. The truth is, that all this deliberation, is just a way of avoiding the inevitable. The need to tackle a difficult subject, a devastating subject even. When I first found out that you felt suicidal, I was shocked. Shocked that this woman, who I have always been terrified of, was in such distress. Distress that she felt unable to talk to any of us about. The shock was down to one simple realisation. The recognition that you are always willing to handle our problems, to stand up for others, but felt unable to ask for the same thing from us. But that shock was nothing compared to the shock when you actually attempted suicide. It was almost surreal, like I was floating above my body, watching someone else find their future mother in law convulsing on the floor. Because Gemma, that is the truth. You are my future mother in law, and it hurt so bad to see you in such a way. So bad".

I stop to compose myself, knowing that I am likely to cry. To my surprise, Gemma is crying too.

I'm not sure why that surprises me so much. Maybe it is because I thought she wouldn't care what I have to say.

"Waiting in the hospital felt like an eternity. It was like time stood still. But that was not the time it really hit me. It hit me when I was at home. When Jax, rightly upset, asked me 'why do you care? You don't even like my mom!' It was then it hit me. I thought about all the times we have fought, all the stupid arguments that we have had. But that is just it. Stupid arguments. Just because we haven't always got on, it doesn't mean I don't love you Gemma. I do love you. I care about you, about your future. All I want for you is recovery. Recovery which I will fully support you in. I love you Gemma, and you will beat the pain. You were strong back then, but you are even stronger now".

As I look up from my letter, Jax gives me an apologetic smile. Gemma stands up and walks over to me, similarly wrapping her arms around my neck like she did to Unser.

"I love you too Tara. Thank you, I didn't deserve that. You will make a great daughter in law someday".

Lich's POV:

Wow. I am surprised at Tara's letter. Hospital gossip, which I pretend not to indulge in, has often noted the irreparable tensions between Tara and Gemma.

She worded that letter beautifully, giving Gemma an insight into a potential future without pressuring her. Clever. I guess I should have expected that from a fellow doctor.

So, three down and two to go. I am slightly more apprehensive about Jax and Clay's letters. From what I can gather Jax is erratic and Clay is cold-hearted. I guess we shall soon see.

Jax's POV:

Fuck. It's hard watching my mom go through this shit. I love her so much, and how honest she is being with us is just overwhelming.

I don't care what Tara says, I know what will get my mom back home.

As soon as she hears about the baby, she will recover and be back to her normal self. I know that. I am her son.

I know her better than anyone.