If he beamed any more broadly, John was certain his face would split. A winter wedding was never what he had in mind but seeing Anna, her dress brushing over the floor of the church he painted, as she walked on the arm of Robert Crawley filled his heart to bursting. Even the tremor in his leg would not stop him standing as tall as anyone. Especially with Talbot right at his elbow.
"If you need to lean on me, then do so." Talbot whispered to him. "She's gorgeous enough to knock a man with two good legs off his feet."
"Yes she is." John gripped Talbot's hand, "Thank you."
"You returned my car safe and sound. The least I could do was bring you safely here and make sure you're sound enough to walk out those doors." Talbot stepped back into place as the march on the slightly out of tune organ brought the few attendees to their feet.
But it would not have mattered. If they married in a Registrar's Office or even in a back alley with both of them dressed in burlap, he would not see her as anything but the loveliest creature to grace his vision. And nothing could make him love her less. So, when Anna took his hands with hers before the podium, John leaned forward to kiss her cheek.
"I'm sorry it's not a large wedding."
"What?"
"I'm sorry it's not the large wedding your deserve. With garlands and flowers and… And all the trappings of an occasion like this. Or that there are-"
Anna silenced him with her finger over his lips. "I'd rather the right man than the right wedding. And here, now, as we are, it's both."
John could only smile, risking the ache to the muscles in his face at the further stretch of them, so unused to the experience. "Thank you for marrying me."
"Thank you for asking." She folded her hand over his, one of the two rings glinting there. It was the plain band Os made for her while the ring that intertwined like vines, the one Aph made, sat on the pillow carried by a blonde boy Robert addressed as 'George'. "You've made me so happy."
"I intend to spend the rest of my life making you happy." John kissed her hand, just above the ring. "And whatever other lives we have after that."
They turned to Pastor Carson, their hands intertwined to keep them close to one another, and nodded. He gave them a smile that brought his eyebrows down from their usual imposing perch. It softened his face, turning his traditionally austere expression into one of great compassion. A face that betrayed the inner workings of a man who had a heart as large as anyone and would sacrifice body and soul for the salvation of another. It was, John considered for a moment, like looking into the face of someone whose heart has been touched to the deepest core.
With a swallow and a clearing of his throat, Pastor Carson addressed the small gathering. "Dearly beloved, and gathered guests, we assemble here today to witness the joining, in holy matrimony, of these two souls."
The rest of the ceremony almost seemed perfunctory. Memorable, in its little ways, and stepped in tradition, but more form than fashion. The little motions and practices strictly followed, keeping the core of their necessity, but almost performed by rote despite the hearts engaged in the effort. Because, for John, all he needed was to slide the second ring onto Anna's finger and kiss her. All the rest could fall away and he would satisfy himself with Anna being his wife.
All the rest gilded the lily that stood before him.
But it all seemed far less than she deserved. Despite the simplicity of her existence, the clean, modest, and elegant way she handled the little to make it a lot, John wanted to give Anna the world. Even sliding the decorative ring over Anna's finger seemed too small a gesture. She deserved diamonds and gold and the finest of things. But even thinking it seemed wrong.
Anna belonged in someplace fine. Would put the finest lords and ladies to shame, but she would never fit in there. Because she did not need to be draped in finery. She was wrong for the gaudy things of the world. Her beauty was in the simple things. The only things John could give her. The only things she wanted.
So they walked out of the small church in a small town dressed in their nicest clothes but nothing extravagant. The ridiculous trappings of the world would only suffocate them and, as they stepped out into the cold of the winter air, John knew it. It ran through him like the chill air threatening to scrape his lungs. This was where they belonged and he would fight for it.
The reception, planned so carefully by the once pregnant but now delivered daughter of Mrs. Cora Crawley and Pastor Carson, decorated the interior of Mrs. Patmore's establishment with whites and silvers. The colors of winter felt almost warm in the bustling dining room and John pulled out Anna's chair at one of the long tables almost sagging with the weight of the food there. And when they took their seats, the atmosphere continued with the spirit of congratulations but the undercurrent of tension continued every time Pastor Carson and Robert Crawley almost crossed paths with one another.
"It's been a few months, I would've thought they resolved their… issue." John whispered to Anna as they nodded at another well-wisher's addition of congratulations. "They're pillars in the community. This kind of dissonance can't be sitting well with everyone."
"It's not." Anna shook her head, pointing to the woman rocking a baby and beckoning the blonde ring-bearer back to her side every time he attempted to wander off. "Mary came to her own kind of peace with it when her daughter was born but… I guess it sits differently when you're faced with a lie as the man who's been cuckholded for so long."
"I'd imagine the trust is a bit lacking." John chewed the inside of his cheek. "What about Robert and Cora?"
"They're… working through it." Anna lowered her voice further. "It's not something your discuss. As far as anyone was concerned, even those who knew why, they just weren't seeing as much of one another as they would've liked. They were civil in public and they obviously still love one another but it was… Strained."
John watched as Cora and Robert sat at one of the tables. Their chairs were not as close as some of the other couples but their hands touched on the table, sitting easily one atop the other. Their actions, though not forced, were stiff but the stiff of those trying to remember motions they knew by muscle memory once but had to stop and think about repeating.
"They seem alright enough now."
"Things get better with time." Anna shrugged, "Honestly I think it was harder for Mr. Crawley to forgive Pastor Carson than it was his wife."
"Why'd you say that."
Anna smiled at John, taking his hand with hers. "Because he already forgave her. The moment he knew it happened, he forgave her." She kissed his finger, where his wedding ring sat, and returned his hand to the table. "That's what love is. It's stubborn and there's a bit of pain involved in the process, but it forgives. Forgives because we're all flawed."
"Love requires trust." John warned, leaning forward to kiss Anna's cheek. "But I promise, I'll never betray yours. Not again."
"I don't think you betrayed my trust as much as you betrayed yourself for awhile." Anna's hand moved to John's face, her thumb tracing his cheekbone. "But we all do things we regret when we're afraid."
"I'm not afraid anymore."
"Me either."
They kissed quickly, aware of those around the room sneaking peeks at them, and settled back into their seats. John watched the gathering as he cut into his food. "How many of them know?"
"I think the better question would be how many of them suspect." Anna took a bite, "And not as many as you'd think. Mary knows, because she's had two herself at this point, and I'm sure Pastor Carson knows. Mrs. Hughes knew the moment I stepped foot in that church after I knew. Doctor Clarkson and Nurse Crawley know… and I think Mrs. Sinderby suspects but…"
Anna shrugged, "At the end of the day the real scandal would've been if I'd delivered without being married. Then it's a bastard child and I'm a bigger pariah in the community."
"You don't seem like a pariah now."
"Because I married you." Anna took John's hand again. "That's the benefit to being someone everyone avoided who then married the man who saved the town."
John shifted in his seat, "I'd rather they not think that about me."
"Because it's not true?"
"Because… I'm no Superman. I can't leap buildings in a single bound. I'm just human and I'm doing my best."
"Your best drove Bricker and his ilk away with court dates." Anna paused and John noted the tremor in her hand as it tightened around her fork. "You are going to their trials, I presume."
"Of course. I'm the one who brought Talbot here and, according to him, much of their evidence relies on your testimony against them." John's hand covered hers. "I wouldn't abandon you to face them alone."
"Thank you." Anna returned to her food. "I've tried not to think about it all, since it's not until after the New Year, but…"
"But it's still coming." John nodded, "I understand. I wish… I wish I'd been here to help you before. Really been here for you when you needed it."
"I do too." Anna nodded toward Talbot, making himself comfortable at the table with Mary, George the ring-bearer, the baby, and another blonde man. "But since you weren't, your friend Henry was most helpful. It was… It was almost like having you close. Knowing that you'd brought him here, brought him to help me, that's what kept my spirits up while you were away."
"There aren't enough apologies for that."
"I know. Just remember, you're here now." Anna's left hand moved over his so their rings clinked together. "And we're married so you can spend the rest of our lives together making it up to me instead of perpetually apologizing."
"Then I'll apologize for something else." John cringed, "When Henry came, to the airport, the way he spoke about you… I worried that you'd moved on. That you wanted him instead."
"Henry's just a flirt."
"I know. Or I thought I did. And part of me kept reminding myself of that but part of me…" John sighed, "I was jealous. Even though I had no claim to you and I didn't… I didn't want anyone but me to have you and I wasn't worthy of you."
"You thought I'd find a better man in your absence?"
"I wouldn't have blamed you if you did."
"John, listen to me very carefully because I only want to say this once." Anna waited until John turned fully to her. "I couldn't have found a better man or even dreamed of one, because they're aren't any. Not now and not ever. Especially not for me. You're the only man I love and the only man I plan to love for the rest of my life."
"I'd never love anyone as much as I love you."
"And, for as much pain and suffering as we've both endured and for the pain we may've caused one another," Anna's fingers tightened around John's. "I don't regret any of it. Not one moment."
"Me either." John twisted his hand in her grip to hold her in return. "Parts of it I should but… But no man could regret loving as I love you."
"Then let's leave off all the recriminations from here on out." Anna smiled at him, releasing his hand from her grip to return to their food. "Because I don't want Mrs. Patmore's spectacular work to go to waste here."
"Agreed."
They set to eating and, when the occasion called for it, dancing. John's leg wold not allow any of the more exuberant dance numbers but he could sway and waltz with the others. For the more exciting numbers, when Anna's foot tapped and she moved to the edge of her seat in anticipation, John urged her to dance with Talbot. Even the gentleman, Talbot bowed to her each time before leading the wildly exciting number that left them all heaving for breath as they ended each song in a rush of chords.
Eventually the party died down, the afternoon waning on, and John noted Anna speaking quietly to the side with Mary Crawley. He also noted Pastor Carson, just a few tables away, watching both Mary and Robert Crawley across the room. John forced himself up, the walk settling some of the decadent food Mrs. Patmore provided, and crossed the distance to put a hand on Pastor Carson's shoulder.
"Could I have a word, outside?"
Pastor Carson frowned but stood, kissing Mrs. Hughes on the cheek, and went for his coat. John used the moment to close the distance between his table and Robert's. beckoning the man from his debate over a third helping of cake. Knocking softly on the table aroused Robert, and Cora, but John only tightened a smile and cleared his throat before addressing Robert.
"Might I have a word outside?"
"Of course." Robert pushed away from the cake, placing a quick but diligent kiss to Cora's cheek, and followed John out the front door.
The chill wind whipped through the town, leaving both men shivering, but once Robert noticed Pastor Carson standing there, he froze slightly. "I think I should go back inside. Until you're both-"
"Robert, please." John put a hand on his arm. "I know this is none of my business, and I might be stretching my relationship with both of you, but I'd like to resolve what I inadvertently started before I left."
Both Robert and Pastor Carson shuffled awkwardly but neither one retreated to the warm interior of the diner. John let out a breath, losing himself in the way it fogged on the frosty air for a moment, and found his voice. "I think that I owe you both an apology."
They blinked at him, whether in stunned surprise or just bewilderment it did not matter. John gathered himself and continued. "I knew, from a confession Pastor Carson gave me near the beginning of the summer, about Mary being his daughter by blood. I knew and I said nothing because I felt it was a confidence given at a time of great sorrow and emotional vulnerability."
John turned to Robert, "And I am sorry I kept that secret from you. I would say I'm sorry I kept it from Mary but I don't know her and I never served with her. She wasn't my brother-in-arms and you were. And I'm so sorry that I kept a secret from you that you deserved to know. That I concealed a truth by omission."
Robert nodded, "Thank you."
"And I'm also sorry," John turned to Pastor Carson. "That I didn't encourage you to confess sooner. That I wasn't there to help you face the demon. That I abandoned you, when you needed someone to be the… backbone, for lack of a better word, for your moment of truth. That I couldn't be the support you needed to be free of the lie."
Pastor Carson took a breath but said nothing, only nodding. It gave John the moment he needed to withdraw by half a step, leaving the line of sight between the two men unimpeded. "And while the relationships you both have with your wives is none of my business, I'd like to think that I wouldn't leave this town so divided as to not step in when I feel I committed a wrong in not trying to resolve the tension between you two."
"It was that damn painting." Robert muttered, turning to John. "It reminded me of Singapore. Cora too. Reminded her…"
He took a breath, facing Pastor Carson. "You're not the only one to blame, for what happened. And I don't mean Cora. No matter what apologies she's given me, I didn't blame her. And I was wrong to blame you as much as I did."
"I was the one-"
"Please," Robert stopped Pastor Carson continuing. "Allow me to finish."
"Alright." Pastor Carson opened his hand to him. "Please continue."
Robert managed a shaky breath. "The reason Cora was… Lonely and distraught in the first place was because of me. Not because she can't make her own decisions or… Or whatever you may think. But I… I betrayed her trust first. With a Regiment Secretary. It was nothing, in the end. At least nothing to me. But there was a child from it and I confessed to Cora and it… It nearly drove us apart."
Robert turned to John, as if to plead for his mercy and forgiveness too. "They both died, when Singapore fell. I looked for them afterward, to continue trying to support them as I promised and as Cora insisted, but they… They died. They died in that city while I was away and I… I feel like I betrayed everyone all over again when it happened."
John had nothing to say, only watching as Robert turned to Pastor Carson again. "So when I knew, that you and Cora had… When I knew that Mary wasn't mine. That Cora had sought her comfort somewhere else as I had… I was more angry at myself. But I was furious, in a way, with you. With the idea that your child lived, the child I thought was mine, and the child I knew was mine but wasn't supposed to have, died. Does that… Does that make me a horrible man?"
"I think it makes us human." Pastor Carson sighed, "And when your wife came to me, she was looking for comfort. Comfort I tried to give her through the Lord and scripture and… And I failed her. I failed you. I failed the Lord and I failed myself. I grew closer than I should have, during her time of need, and I fell victim to the misplaced affection."
"Misplaced affection?"
"What she felt was abandoned and lonely. She felt betrayed and she wanted to feel as if someone cared for her. As if she mattered to someone again." Pastor Carson shuffled, "It happens, occasionally, that people searching for that comfort misplace it. They direct it to the person they see and not the God who truly bestows it. I, in my youth and ignorance, fell to the blunder of believing what she felt was for me when I really should've directed her to God. When I owed her that."
He extended his hand to Robert. "I do hope you'll forgive me for being weak and mortal. For… For stepping in where I had no right."
"I can't hold you more accountable than I held myself." Robert took his hand. "If I could forgive Cora, the way she forgave me so long ago, it would be ridiculous to believe that I didn't already forgive you."
"And…" Pastor Carson took his hand back. "And has Mary forgiven you? Has she forgiven me?"
"I think Mary's more upset about what I finally confessed to her. To my whole family." Robert chewed on his lip. "And I don't know what she feels about you. But she's stubborn and, when she's ready, she'll have something to say about it."
"I look forward to earning her forgiveness."
The two men nodded at each other before turning to John. He shivered and jerked his head toward the door. "Might as well go back in where the warm party is yeah? Maybe try and not freeze to death out here."
They rejoined the party and the barest hint of the tension that draped the environment earlier lifted. It was almost as if life was allowed to engage in full swing instead of hesitant joy. John smiled and took Anna in his arms as she came over to him, kissing his cheek.
"And here I was, worried that my husband had abandoned me so soon after putting his ring on my finger."
"I'd never abandon you, Mrs. Bates." John kissed her cheek, noting the shiver that went through Anna as he said that. "Do you like your new name?"
"I like it very much." Anna's finger intertwined with his. "And I love that I share it with you."
She brought their joined hands to her abdomen, stepping close to shield the moment from anyone else. "That we all share it."
"Do you think it's too early for us to leave the party?"
"I think they'll all want to bid us goodbye but no, I don't think so." Anna twisted slightly, nodding toward Mary. "Give them a few minutes to make a receiving line and then we'll be home before you know it."
True to her word, they were home before John fully grasped it. While their wedding, for the few memories of the act he catalogued for later, passed at a measured pace, their departure from their reception was a rush. With the afternoon sun setting at its early winter time, Anna drove them over the snow-covered roads to her house. To the house they shared until they found somewhere big enough for the family they hoped to make together.
Despite the complaints of his leg, and Anna's almost refusal, John managed the three steps from outside the door to just inside it with her in his arms. They paused, as he checked that his leg would not fail him now, but closed the door and left the rest of their worries outside with the weather and the world. Nothing else mattered but the moment they had to share now.
John never considered himself a selfish man. But the wedding and the accompanying reception taught him that, where Anna was concerned, he could be quite possessive. Not such that he would lock her away or growl at any man daring to lay eyes on her. But that he wanted her company to himself. He wanted her around to share her smiles, her laughter, and whatever was on her mind. Speaking with her was easy. Easier than it had ever been with anyone in his entire life. Sharing with her was second nature but sharing her was difficult. Like all he wanted to do was create a beautiful box for her that they could share. A bow where he could lavish her in love and affection and she would only ever need his company.
Confessing this to her, as they stood inside their bedroom, John felt sheepish and could not meet her eyes. Anna put her fingers under his chin, lifting it gently to bring their gaze into alignment. "I only ever need your company, John. But I'm glad you can share me with others."
"How could I deny the world the best person I know in it?" John took her hands, kissing the backs of them. "As much as I want to keep you to myself, you chose me to marry you and that's more than I could hope for. More than I deserve."
"I think we deserve each other." Anna moved her hands to cradle John's face. "Now, husband of mine, please kiss me or I might think it's all talk."
John followed the pull of Anna's hands and brought their lips together.
Much like the night he proposed, John continued with Anna's lead. There was no rush to take over for her as she guided the speed and depth of their kisses. They broke between them to remove his tie and her veil, leaving them carefully draped over the chair in her room.
Their hands touched and intersected as they reached for different bits of their wedding attire to remove. Pins from Anna's hair tinkled on her vanity while John helped carefully remove the pin keeping his boutonniere to his tuxedo lapel. The clasps on her dress took a bit more concerted effort but once the bodice of her dress separated John stepped back and waited as Anna slipped from it and hung the dress from her wardrobe.
Her stockings held just below her knees, the sheer slip offered a titillating view of Anna's bra and knickers but she closed the distance between them before John could gaze at more of her. Their hands knocked against one another as they managed the buttons of John's jacket, waistcoat, and shirt before tugging the bits and pieces away. His shoes offered a bit of humor as the knots caught and he eventually toed them away. And pulling off his socks proved less than romantic.
But once they reduced him to his pants, John sat on the edge of the bed. His fingers traced under the line of Anna's slip and teased it up her body as he continued raising his caresses higher and higher. He paused, almost overlong, on her abdomen before bending forward and pressing a determined kiss there. Anna's fingers flexed into his hair, disturbing the careful gel he used to contain it that morning, but John only cared for the sounds Anna made as he continued his kisses over her hips and just below the line of her bra while she removed her slip.
Pressing her hands to John's shoulders, Anna tipped him back onto the bed and removed his pants to leave him naked on the covers. He watched as she shed the last vestiges of clothing before climbing onto the bed after him. The anticipation of waiting had John digging his fingers into the covers under him but he refused to move until Anna positioned herself over him.
She led another round of kisses, signaling John to move with each sound she made as his fingers graced over her skin. Anna slanted her mouth over his, her tongue urging his to taste more of her, and drew back to leave John pouting. But she only put a finger over his lips and lifted herself over him.
If John did not immediately have an occupation for his mouth, he might have dropped his jaw. Instead he latched it on the folds Anna presented to him. And when her hands grabbed at the metal latticework of her headboard, his fingers dug into her hips and thigh to hold her steady while he dragged his tongue through her weeping center. Sucking insistently at her clit, his fingers abandoning the security of his hold to tease her further open, John continued to pleasure Anna. Continue until she climaxed over him and his slightly sore jaw worked to clean the results.
It still left traces of her over him but Anna kissed those away as she adjusted back, sliding a bit slower than she did before. But John followed her, giving a moan of his own when she ran her soaked center over his burgeoning arousal. And he groaned loudly when she finally sank over him.
They kept their movements slow, rocking together as they found the rhythm. The bed squeaked slightly, as if trying to complain, but they ignored it. Ignored it so John could sit up, holding Anna to him as his hands sculpted slowly over her thighs to bring them to either side of his waist and hold her close enough that he could barely snake his hand between them to excite her nerves again. Anna bucked toward him, her arm wrapped tighter around his shoulder, and they rocked together until they came with a whimper and a sigh.
John settled them, his fingers gracing through Anna's hair and laughing quietly to himself as he continued to remove pins. "So many of these."
"Hair's not easy to contain."
"Good thing." John fished what he hoped was the last one out of her hair to set on the bedside table. "You're hair's too beautiful to keep contained."
"I'll have to keep it up if I take my job back in Richmond."
John paused, his fingers barely touching Anna's shoulder. "You'd take the job in Richmond back?"
"Now that's Bricker's under investigation, the board of the company removed him. It's under new management and, thanks to your friend Henry, I've had an offer to go back." Anna lifted herself to look at John, her hand pressing on his chest to keep herself high enough to see him. "Do you mind?"
"No." John shook his head, fingers returning to Anna's hair. "If that's what you want then that's what I want for you."
"What about you?"
"What about me?"
"Would you want that?"
"I'm no scientist and, as far as I can tell, I can paint from anywhere." John settled onto the bed again, making himself a bit more comfortable. "If you want us to go to Richmond then we'll move there."
"I'd feel guilty, leaving the town after all that's happened." Anna shrugged, her fingers idly tracing over John's chest. "And I don't know if I'm the same person as I was before. When I had that job I was…"
"Different?"
"Fresh. I was naïve and thought being smart was all that mattered." Anna shook her head. "It's not like that now. Even without the idea of us having a baby."
"Then what do you want?"
"I don't know yet." Anna winced, "Is that alright?"
"More than." John leaned up to kiss her. "Whenever you're ready."
"What about when you're ready?"
"How'd you mean?"
Anna grinned at him, biting at her lower lip as she slid her way down his body. "Whether or not you're ready for another round."
"Already?" John bent his neck to meet Anna's eyes as she positioned herself between his legs.
"Pregnancy's known to increase libido, you know." Anna dragged her tongue down the line of John's hip and he bucked when she circled the base of his potential erection. "And I've been a bit starved of your attentions for the last few months."
"Don't let me stop you."
"Not sure I would've, even if you'd wanted to." Anna grinned and John had to throw his head back or else he would have lost himself watching Anna work over him. Even that, however, did little to stop his imagination as he felt her efforts yield the exact result she wanted.
Before Anna could mount him again, however, John stopped her. It took all his focus to shift them sideways, her leg over his hip, and slide into her from that position. When she tried to frown her confusion, over the soft pants she let out as John moved within her, John only kissed her back.
"I want to hold you close and kiss you."
Anna did not argue. If anything she tightened the nock of her knee over his hip to bring them closer. Their movements, like before, stayed slow. Their position did not allow for a great range of motion but it kept them close. Close enough for John to kiss her lips, neck and breasts and leave Anna keening for his attentions while her hands snuck between them to bring herself to the edge she led him to earlier with her mouth.
All of it proved enough to have them come together again. John tried to breathe evenly, his body thrusting through the end of his orgasm, and noted the hazy pleasure in Anna's eyes. It only made John smile all the more as he settled them until Anna's eyes closed to an obvious doze next to him. A doze so heavy she barely moved or reacted as he cleaned over both of them before tucking into the bed.
He held her close, fingers continuing to weave through her hair until the soothing motions sent him to sleep as well.