Chapter 17

"Are you going to come in, or just sit there all night?" he called to Luna, as he headed to the kitchen. He had picked up tuna for her on his way home.

"I didn't want to interrupt your phone call, and I thought it might be rude to come in without permission." Luna responded as she came through the door, and went to the couch.

"Luna, come eat something." Mamoru said as he put the tuna on the plate for her, and started on dinner for himself. "The open door was your permission."

"Oh. I didn't want to assume. Thank you for the tuna, and letting me stay."

"You're welcome.

"How are they?" Luna asked tentatively.

"I think you already know. Come on, Luna. I know you follow Usako every where. You always have."

"You're right, I have, but I can't hear what she says. I only see her. She looks, happy and more relaxed."

"She is. She and Rei have settled things, and are on good, solid ground. ChibiUsa seems to be coming around, but I'll know more Saturday, at my day with them. Usako is doing well, but she misses you. She asks if any of us have seen you, constantly. Artemis told her that you're reflecting on yourself, on the past, and present. That you're doing well, but that you need this time to find yourself."

"I miss her. I miss her so much. I never really realized how much I truly love her, for her. I miss her jokes and funny faces. I miss her bubbly personality. I miss her smile. I miss the klutz attacks she used to have. I even miss how she says my name when I irritate her. I just….I just miss her. I miss my friend."

"Like Rei said the other night, Usako crashes into your life, and makes you love her."

"She really does. Did she ever tell you how we first met?"

"No. I can't say that she has."

"I hate to be a bother, but can I ask for some water please?"

"Sure. Bowl or glass?"

Mamoru chuckled when Luna just looked at him.

"Right. Bowl." He grabbed one, filled it, sat it in front of her, and continued making his stir fry.

"Thank you. I had just awakened, and was wandering around trying to figure out where I was, when I was. As well as trying to find something to eat. Before I knew it, these three boys had circled me, and started tormenting me. At some point one of the boys grabbed ahold of me, and they put band aids on my forehead, covering my moon mark. After that they put me down, and continued tormenting me. I heard a female voice yell out, and saw a blond hurricane barrel into the boys, yelling at them to leave me alone. After they ran off, the blond hurricane picked me up, and asked me if I was ok. She noticed the band aids, and yanked them off. I think she pulled some fur out when she did that, but I didn't care, as long as they were off. She said something about my mark then suddenly she is putting me down, saying something about having to go because she was late, and took off. I was so confused, and shocked by the girl, that I followed her the whole day. I was watching when she first met you actually. That was a funny sight. Anyway. For some reason I just drawn to her, and I couldn't stay away. I didn't know why, but I knew she was important. But what really struck me was in that moment of her rescuing me, I loved her. I was lost, alone, confused, being tormented, and she helped me. She has rescued me, protected me, saved me, turned to me for help and comfort so many times, and loved me, but all I have done is fail her." Luna said sadly.

"You haven't failed her Luna, you have forgotten yourself. You also forgot to see her for her, not what she was in the distant past, and what she will be in the distant future. You've lost sight of what is in front of you. You have also focused so much on something that no longer exists anymore, and forgot to be in the here, and now. The Moon Kingdom is no more. It never will be again. You need to let that go. Usagi is the FUTURE Queen of the Earth, as ChibiUsa is the FUTURE princess of the Earth. Things are different here, and the will continue to be different, always. I don't mean to be harsh, but it is true, and you need to accept that."

"I know you are right. It's just hard sometimes. I would ask you if you know how it feels to watch your whole world be destroyed, watch the people you love die, but I know you already do as you've experienced it, twice. That awful day, I watched as the senshi, the girls I watched grow from babies, be murdered one by one. I watched as my friends, and the family I made, fight and die. I watched as the Prince of the Earth tried to stop the fighting, protect and defend the princess that I watched come into the world and take her first breaths. I watched as that Prince took the blow aimed at my princess, and die in her arms. I then watched as my princess took her own life. The princess I saw as my own child as I had no children of my own, die right before my eyes. I then watched as my Queen, my best friend, my confident, my voice of reason, the person I loved and respected above all else, even my husband, give her own life to seal away evil, and send all of you to Earth to be reincarnated. I could do nothing to stop it. I could do nothing to save or help anyone. I was useless. My last memory of my Queen, my best friend was her taking her last breath before I was sealed away in Eternal Slumber. My life and world ended that day. When I first awoke, I remembered nothing. I was lost and confused. I all I felt was anger, heartbreak, loneliness, regret, and a sense of betrayal, I didn't understand. I had no idea why I felt that way. I just knew I did. Seeing Usagi unlocked some of those memories, but not enough to make sense.

"As the months went on, some memories from Silver Millennium unlocked, but still not enough to make sense. It wasn't until Usagi ended up on the moon before that last battle against the Dark Kingdom, that my memories of that final day unlocked. Those feelings finally made sense, but it didn't make them go away. It made them worse. I have never gotten past them, or even tried to work thru them. I have let them poison me."

"I do understand those feelings all too well." Mamoru stated quietly.

"I know you do, but I feel like I need to back up a bit. During Silver Millennium, at the time you met the princess, I was already 75 years old. I had long forgotten what it meant to be a teenager. I also forgot what it was like at the beginning of falling in love as Artemis and I had already been married for 55 years. On top of that my mother was the Queen on our planet. I was the youngest of 7 so I would never become Queen. I met Serenity when she came to our planet to discuss the Silver Alliance. We became instant friends, and she made the request to my mother to become her advisor. My mother was a harsh, and strict woman. She drilled into each of us, from birth that a queen must always be perfect. A queen did not laugh, she did not play fun games, she did not joke, she never tripped or fell, she was intelligent above all else, she was the picture of poise and grace, she never made mistakes, she never said the wrong things, she always followed the rules to the letter, edict was everything, children were to be seen not heard and were left to the care of nannies. Queens didn't marry who they wanted to, or for love as queens didn't fall in love. Queens married who they were told to. The only reason I was able to marry for love was because I would never be queen. Queens were only involved with their children when teaching them the duties, expectations, and responsibilities. This was quite literally beaten into us almost daily. Even as a 25 year old, married woman, this was beaten into me. I would come home to Artemis beaten, and he would be so angry, but his hands were tied. He doesn't remember that part of our lives, but it's something I'll never forget.

"It was right before my 26th birthday when Queen Serenity arrived on our planet for two weeks of negotiations. We were all presented to her that day. Queen Serenity took one look at me that day, I don't know what she saw, but she requested that I be her companion for the duration of her stay. Of course my mother refused. She wanted my eldest brother to be the Queen's companion. My mother had thoughts of marrying them. Little did my mother know, but Queen Serenity was already in love with someone, and on the moon, they married for love, especially as the Queen tended to out live the King because of the Silver Crystal. Anyway. Queen Serenity refused my brother as her companion, and demanded me instead. She said if my mother could not be more agreeable in a simple request then Queen Serenity would leave as there would be nothing to discuss when larger issues than a companion would brought to the table. My mother begrudgingly agreed. My "lessons" and beating were worse that day. As my mother "instilled" in me that I had to ensure Queen Serenity would agree to all of my mother 's terms during negotiations, and marriage to my brother. The only "concession" my mother made that day was that the bruises were not visible on parts of my body not covered by clothing. For the whole two weeks, as my friendship with Serenity grew, my "lessons" got harsher. Serenity was not willing to bend to my mother's terms, and Serenity rejected the marriage contract to my brother three times. Two days before Serenity was scheduled to leave my mother beat me so badly she broke a rib, and a finger. It was my punishment for not getting Serenity to agree to her terms, and demands. As well as Serenity telling my mother that if she pushed my brother on her one more time that any access to the Silver Alliance would be strictly denied.

"When I got home to Artemis, he was so angry at my mother for what she had done to me, he went to Serenity and begged her to take me with her when she left. He felt that if I stayed my mother would surely kill me for my failure to follow her orders. He said he would gladly stay on our planet, serving my mother forever, as long as he knew I was safe from further harm. The next day, while in the throne room Queen Serenity requested me to become her advisor, with the claim that it would be seen as a gesture of good faith from my mother that future negotiations with the Silver Alliance would run smoothly. Unbeknownst to Artemis or myself, Queen Serenity had no intentions of leaving Artemis behind. She requested Artemis as the advisor for her future king, whom she would be marrying upon her return to the moon. My mother agreed, begrudgingly. We packed to leave, but Artemis, Queen Serenity, and I were called to the throne room, for one last meeting, one hour before we left. We met with my mother, and my siblings. My mother explained the we were all shape shifters, which Serenity already knew. My mother then informed us that, while yes she accepted us leaving, Artemis and I must be punished for our defiance against her, our rightful Queen. She cursed us both to remain in our animal forms for the rest of our lives, and made it so I could never bare children. She stated she would not tolerate even the idea that I may have children who could come back to our planet, and try to usurp her or my brother. She then banished us both, but informed Queen Serenity she was welcome back to further discuss the Silver Alliance contract, when she was ready to be more agreeable to my mother's terms, and accept my brother as her husband. Queen Serenity ripped the contract in two, right there in the throne room. Told my mother that the Silver Alliance had no use for selfish, egotistical, controlling, abusive people. The Silver Alliance did not tolerate monarchs who used and abused their people, especially their own children. Our planet would never become a member of the Silver Alliance, and that my mother was on her own. Serenity wished my mother luck, took Artemis and I, and left. Two years later our planet was destroyed by a meteor.

"Sadly, my mother's teachings of how a Queen should behave stuck. I tried hard to release those lessons, but sometimes they would creep out, and I would find myself reprimanding Queen Serenity, and even the Princess for not behaving as I was taught a queen was supposed to behave. Queen Serenity was as understanding as she could be, but sometimes I went too far, and Queen Serenity needed to remind me of my place by suspending me. I was actually suspended a total of 10 times in the 50 years of my service to Queen Serenity, and the Princess.

"When my memories really started returning, memories of my mothers teaching were front, and center. Unfortunately I used those teachings, and the verbal portion of her teachings to teach Usagi how a monarch should be. To this day I wish those were not the memories I got back first. I wish Serenity's teachings were. She believed in accepting everyone as they are, that no one is perfect, mistakes happen, it is ok to be responsible while still having fun, that intelligence is more than what is just in a book. Basically that everything Usagi was when I first met her, and is today, is just as wonderful as someone who behaves "perfectly" at all times. On top of that I forgot what it meant, and what it is like to be a teenager. None of this an excuse for all I have done to hurt Usagi, just to show why it seemed acceptable in my mind. I cannot change it, but I can work hard to put a stop to it. I can't promise it won't happen, but I will try to not treat Usagi as I have been." Luna finished with tears running down her face.

"Luna…I….I am so very sorry. I can't even imagine what that was like." Mamoru choked out.

"None of that was your fault. I need to finish working through it. I am working on letting go of the Moon Kingdom, accepting it is gone, and that things are different now. Just, all I ask, is that you please keep in mind, that to you it has been a thousand years ago and different life, you started this life from birth, I was asleep for the last thousand years. I didn't die, so to me, it really does only feel like a few years have past. Your don't have the same feelings of loss, heartbreak, and regret because, while you have memories of a different life, for me, it is still THIS life. It never ended for me. Does that make sense?"

"Actually it does. I never thought of it that way."

"No offense, but no one does because no one has experienced it. Only Artemis has, and he's had a year longer than I have to sort through it all."

"I can't imagine how difficult that must be. I do need to ask about ChibiUsa, and how you plan to deal with her going forward? Will you be willing to step in when she is behaving badly, belittling, or abusing Usagi in any way? Have you accepted what Setsuna said as true?"

"I can tell you with certainly that I will do my part to keep ChibiUsa in line. I will stand up for Usagi, and do what I can to reprimand ChibiUsa when needed. I am so sorry that I didn't do my part in curtailing her behavior. I am so sorry that I didn't in the past, and allowed my desires for future to blind myself to the present, and what she has been doing to Usagi. I know what Setsuna said is correct. I saw it with my own eyes, but refused to believe it in that moment. I should have realized it long before Setsuna even said anything as none of the senshi have ever been as protective of ChibiUsa as they are Usagi. If the bond existed between ChibiUsa, and the senshi, Haruka and Michiru would not have been able to turn away from ChibiUsa as they have. Not that I blame them. They are incredibly protective of Usagi, always have been."

"Thank you Luna. I accept your apology. You do need to talk to Usagi about everything too."

"I will. Can I ask you two questions?"

"Of course."

"When was Usagi's thyroid problem diagnosed? You said you and Ami figured out the best way for Usagi learn, and taught her technics to make it easier for her to learn. What did you mean by that?"

"Come into the living room, and I'll answer your questions."

"Ok."

As Luna had been talking, he had eaten his dinner, cleaned up the kitchen, and refilled her water bowl twice. They both sat on the couch, and got comfortable.

"Her thyroid problem. One afternoon, after a battle, about a year ago, I noticed Usagi was swaying, and shaking badly. I stopped Ami, and when we couldn't figure out was wrong, we took Usagi to the hospital. We thought she had an injury we couldn't see. Ami had to leave because she had cram school so I stayed. Ami's mom ran a bunch of tests, to discover Usagi had a thyroid problem. She referred Usagi to her regular doctor. It took a couple of months, but they found the right medicine for her. Even with her medicine, she has to have a certain number of calories per day. When she says she's hungry, she means it. Since Japanese food tends to be lower in calories she needs to eat a lot more, more often. The milkshakes everyday are a part of her needed calorie intake. That's why it's such an issue when ChibiUsa takes it, and why her meals tend to be larger."

"I can't believe I missed it. Why didn't she tell me?"

"In your defense it all started right about the time ChibiUsa showed up for the first time. It was pretty crazy. She didn't tell anyone because she didn't want anyone treating her differently, or like she was weak."

"What about school?"

"Usagi is an audio and visual learner. Meaning she learns better from pictures, video, and art. We figured out how to use art for math, and science. She learned English by using manga, of all things."

"So all the times I yelled at her for reading manga, and working on art projects, she was actually doing school work?"

"Pretty much. Don't get me wrong, she stilll does both for fun, but she uses them for school work too. Her parents even met with the school to implement those technics in her classes. They actually have things for students who learn the same way Usagi does."

"I didn't know that."

"Ask Usako about it some time. I'm sure she would love to show you, and explain it. It's really opened a whole new world for her. She's really proud of how far she's come. She really is doing very well. You should be proud of her, Luna."

"I'll definitely talk to her, and ask her to show me. Is she really considering being an art teacher?"

"She really is. She is going to be volunteering at the Art Center in the summer as an art teacher for the 4-6 year olds. She is also applying to volunteer at the hospital to teach art to kids there."

"I thought about what you said about a queen being a teacher of her people. You were right. I am sorry."

"It's ok. I need to get to bed though."

"Ok. Thank you for listening to me tonight, and thank you for looking out for my princess when I was being so horrible."

"Our princess. You're welcome Luna. Good night."

"Good night Mamoru." After that they both went to bed.