Guilt is related to shame. Guilt comes from the belief that you are responsible for the abuse. Remember, this happened when you were a child, and adults are supposed to protect children, not abuse them. You are not responsible for the abuse you experienced.
When Males Have Been Sexually Abused as Children: A Guide for Men (Although part quoted could apply to any sexually abused child)
Chapter Eighteen
{o}-{o}-{o}
The whole family, went to Roman's doctor appointment that would give him the results of his last group of tests, the only exception being Noella because she had to stay home with the twins. But Marc promised that when the doctor was getting ready to tell them, he would call and put her on speaker so she could hear the news for herself.
Alexa wasn't there, but technically, she wasn't family, and she had pointed out that with Sefa, Marc, and Mox going to this, there wasn't going to be much wrestling training going on at SPWA today. At least she could do was her weight training. It would be a day of primarily exercise and thinking about their wrestling characters today. Mox couldn't fault her logic, but he wished she had wanted to go along. He wanted her to feel part of his family.
All of them were allowed in the examination room, which had never happened before. Mox had his turns going to several appointments and he'd never been allowed past the waiting room, that seemed to be a right reserved for Jen or May. That has to be a good sign, Mox thought as they all filed into the back where the examining rooms were.
The nurse who took them to the examining room was cheerful from the moment she came out to get Roman and said they could all come along, to when they all filed into the room and she took Roman's blood pressure, oxygen level, and temperature. When she weighed him, she announced that he'd gain two pounds since his last visit in such a happy and proud voice, you would have thought she had personally cooked and fed him every single bit of food he put in his mouth. When she did take partial credit by telling him she was pleased Roman had been taking her advice about his diet, Mox saw Jen and May stiffen slightly, and he half expected Jen to tell the nurse to listen up, that she had made all the food Roman was eating, at least at home, and May to nod and tell them she was in charge of his diet when they went out.
All of this seemed like a good sign to Mox, but then it occurred to him that maybe the news was bad, and the nurse was being extra cheerful to throw them off. But then again, Roman had gained weight, didn't that mean he was doing better?
There weren't enough chairs in the examining room, so Mox was leaning against the wall, trying not to look nervous and wishing, almost praying, the doctor would get in and tell them what was up. Lance was standing next to him and he kept sneaking looks at him, thinking Lance would be the one most likely to know if this cheerfulness was good or not. Lance was biting the skin on his thumb, which could show nervousness, but his brow was smooth, and when Lance worried, he got lines in his forehead, so maybe he was chewing on his thumb because he had nothing better to do.
It seemed like forever before Dr. Jordan Pryor, one of the best, and youngest oncologist in Florida, possibly the USA, came into the room. He was smiling. "Wow, this room is busy," he said, walking over to Roman. The two of them fist bumped, and Mox had the feeling that throughout this ordeal the two of them had become more than patient and doctor, but casual friends.
Mox thought if they started to go through introductions, he'd start screaming in frustration, and he must not have been the only one, because Dr, Pryor didn't express any interest in finding out who everyone was, instead he smiled. "I have really good news."
Mox knew he had been nervous and tense, but he hadn't known just how nervous and tense he was until he heard those five words. Then it was like a tightly wound spring, released itself inside of him, and to his surprise, even though the news was good, it hurt when it unwound, like something slammed into the walls of his stomach.
He could barely hear the rest of what the doctor said, he was so busy feeling that painful relief and wanting to hug Roman, but he picked up the gist of it, Roman's cancer was pretty much gone. He'd have two more treatments, then get a stem cell transplant of his own cells that had been removed earlier for this reason. Yes, for at least a couple of years, he'd have his blood tested every three months, and tests every six months, but that was just to make sure the cancer stayed gone and if it tried to attack again, they could head it off at the pass.
"I'm very optimistic about this," Dr. Pryor said. He smiled at everyone, perfect white teeth contrasting against his dark skin. He looked at Roman, "You're going to be fine, Roman. You're going to have your life back."
"Except for football," Roman said, and he was smiling, but Mox sensed a little bit of bitterness. But it wasn't very much.
"I'll bet you can still wrestle," Lance said, and everyone in the room but Dr. Pryor and Jen agreed, wrestling would be a fine alternative to wrestling, even Noella who was participating through the phone.
There was hugging, lots of hugging, which Mox was happy to be drawn into. When Roman hugged him, Mox felt something crack and tears rolled down his face. He'd cried for Roman before, he'd even sobbed, but this was nothing like that, this was joy and relief and he felt breathless too. And when they drew apart, he saw tears in Roman's eyes too.
.
"So, does this mean you'll be heading back to FCW?" Alexa said, when he told her the news.
Mox was startled for a moment, realizing that he'd been so focused on Roman getting better that he wasn't even thinking of when he could go back to FCW. "Not right now," he said, realizing he wanted that to be true. He wanted to get back to FCW, get back to working towards WWE, but not until he knew everything was all right. "Roman still has two treatments to go through, then some other stuff. I don't want to leave until I know he's healthy. And I know Marc and Sefa will appreciate it if I do. They'll still want to spend time with him and go to doctor's appointments and stuff."
"Good," Alexa said, looking relieved, "I'm not nearly done training yet."
"Well, I'm still going to be here awhile," Mox confirmed. He didn't ask, but he sure hoped Alexa wasn't wishing Roman was still sick. Nobody is that cold, are they?
His mind answered his own question too quickly. Look at the people who took you and Alexa and tell me how cold people are capable of being.
.
Sefa insisted everyone went out for dinner together, to a "nice" place to celebrate. Jen agreed and went someplace private to make reservations, obviously knowing what restaurant "a nice place" meant to her and her husband.
Alexa tried to beg off from going, claiming she had nothing appropriate to wear, but May shook her head. "I've got something you can borrow."
"The place isn't that fancy," Sefa said shrugging. "It's not the place you'd go in worn jeans and a T-shirt, but it's not like you have to wear something extra frilly."
"Then I know I have something you can borrow," May said, taking Alexa's hand. "You're only an inch taller than I am, and I don't wear my skirts or dresses very short, if you want to wear something like that. I have a denim skirt that should fit you and it's a good compromise between casual and dressy."
Alexa looked over at Mox as if she hoped he'd intervene on her behalf and say she didn't have to go. Sefa must have caught the look, because he said, "I'm sure it would mean a lot to Mox if you'd come along with us."
At that, Alexa allowed May to lead her off. Sefa gave a slight nod as if he'd done good.
Mox noted that Sefa hadn't said the whole family would like it if Alexa came along, just Mox.
.
The restaurant turned out to be the type of place where the tables had pure white tablecloths, cloth napkins, and water glasses that someone came around to refill every time you took more than a tiny sip. But, all the waitstaff wore dark pants and polo shirts. "Remember the days when waiters would wear tuxedo shirts in a place like this?" Sefa asked as he pulled out Jen's chair for her.
"Remember the poor waitstaff who had to try to keep those shirts a pristine white?" May said back in a teasing tone. "I'd rather see a polo shirt than a tuxedo shirt with sauce stains."
Mox had the feeling if Alexa had joked about the difficulties of keeping white shirts white, Sefa would have been slightly offended. But because it was May, he took it in good humor.
.
Sefa wanted to order champagne to celebrate, but Roman shook his head. "Sorry, Dad, but I'd rather wait until I am done with chemo altogether." He smiled, but Mox could see a bit of worry behind his eyes. "I am optimistic after my appointment, but I want to be 100% sure before we break out the champagne."
He doesn't want to jinx it, Mox thought and understood. If he'd been Roman, he would have felt the same way.
Nobody questioned Roman's decision, but Sefa did order some excellent white wine, and they did raise a toast to Roman, which everyone took turns clinking their glasses against Roman's. Roman and May clinked last and Roman grinned. "Are you going to go running off on me soon, Baby Girl?"
Mox felt Alexa stiffen next to him, but she said nothing, which Mox thought was a good sign.
"Not yet," May said grinning. "We'll talk about that later, after we drink champagne."
"You're welcome to stay as long as you want," Sefa said. "And if you're tired of not working, now that Roman doesn't need a constant babysitter, if you want to train wrestlers, I'll put you on the payroll."
May's eyes sparkled. "Really? That would be great," she said. "But only if you need me, I don't want to be a charity case."
"You can't be," Jen said firmly. "You have been there for Roman, not just in spirit, but really been there. You didn't just pop in and out, you held his hand when he was hurting, you helped take care of him. You emptied and cleaned the bucket when he was sick. Nobody who does that can be a charity case, they're family."
"Thanks for making me sound helpless," Roman said, looking embarrassed.
"Even if you did nothing for Roman, just showed up out of the blue, I'd hire you to train," Sefa said. "We don't get many female instructors and I know the female wrestlers would like that, so just for that, I'd hire you on. But, Mox over here has got to get back to FCW, back to his career."
Again, Alexa stiffened beside him, but this time Mox was right along with her. "I'm not going anywhere until I'm sure Roman is all right and will be all right," he said firmly. Before his father could object he continued. "I don't care if I blow my chance with the WWE this time, I won't be much good at all if I'm worried about Roman. So, I'll be here until I feel comfortable leaving him. If this means I have to go back to the Indies, that's fine, I liked the indies. If you don't want to pay me, fine, I'll do it for room and board."
"Mox, I don't want you to throw this chance away," Sefa said. "It might be your only chance."
"Besides," Lance added, "I'm going to stick around here, so you can go back to FCW."
"And I'll be here," May said firmly.
"No, I'm staying!" Mox insisted.
"So am I," Lance said.
"Time out!" Roman said, his voice carrying over the entire table, maybe even the entire restaurant, because Mox could swear he felt the eyes of other people on him.
Don't be a jackass telling everyone you're fine, Mox thought, trying to speak to Roman with telepathy.
"Look, this is about me," Roman said, apparently unable to hear telepathic conversations. "I have some say in this." He looked at Lance. "You're going back to Empire State University and back to Empire State Wrestling at the start of the Fall semester. I know you like where you are now, but I know you loved ESU, and they'll be thrilled to have you back. So, you're going. You're the degree collector of the family, go back to that. I'll be off Chemo before you go, so you'll know I'm going to be all right." Before Lance could speak, he looked at Mox, "You can stay for awhile at least. I want you to go back, but you're right, you won't do much good if all you're doing is worrying about me."
Sefa started to speak, but Roman raised his hand and kept speaking, cutting him off. "Besides, everyone tells me Alexa is great with the weight training, and she's getting better and better with her own wrestling training. I'm sure you don't want her to leave." He looked at Alexa and smiled.
Alexa smiled back, with this quirky little grin on her face that Mox had a feeling translated to, "You tell 'em, Roman. Don't let your family push you around." And Mox thought that was great.
"Dad, you're always telling me how frustrated you are at being unable to find good instructors so you and Marc aren't working six days a week, sunup to sundown, well, now you have more than just you and Marc. Don't be in such a hurry to send them away. If the place can afford them, let them stay. Take some time off. I know you and Mom haven't slept well, or had much time together since this whole mess started. So, take that time." He looked at May, "As for you, Baby Girl, you know you're welcome to stay as long as you want, but I don't want you to throw away your wrestling career either. Stay until you feel comfortable leaving me, then go. I know you'll worry about me if you go too soon."
"I'll worry about you no matter when I leave," May said.
"Yeah, but there will come a time when you won't worry as much." He reached out and took one of her many tiny braids and gently tugged on it. "And I promise you, I'll always be honest with you. Every test I take, you'll know when I'm taking it and what the results are. I won't bullshit you either."
Mox waited for Jen to tell Roman to watch his language, but instead Jen was looking at Roman and May as if she was so filled with love for both of them, she might start crying.
"Fine," May said, nodding, "But Roman, seriously, if the doctor allows you? Think about wrestling. I know you, you won't do well in an office, you'll be much happier, wrestling."
"You know me too well," Roman said, "But let's see what the doctor's say when I'm completely recovered, okay?"
May nodded, knowing that was about the best she was going to get and Mox understood that. Roman wasn't going to make any plans until he was sure what he could or couldn't do, and how long it would take. If it would take more than a couple years to be back to before chemo, or as best he could be, he might consider taking a job, just so he wasn't living off his parents, but Mox had the feeling Sefa would hire him to help Jen with the paperwork end of the business. Which Roman would protest, but maybe if he took it, Sefa and Jen would consider taking a vacation. Mox reminded himself to drop that idea to Roman, as an incentive to stay on with the family business.
"How come everyone else gets to stay until they feel better, but I have to leave this Fall?" Lance grumbled.
"Because schools are different," Roman said. "It's best to start with a new school in the Fall."
"I'm working on my PhD," Lance said. "It's not like regular college. The place where I am now has a graduate program, so what difference does it make where I am?"
"Because you like ESW," Roman reminded him. "You've gone on and on about how you feel you're respected for what you can do, not just because your father is a WWE Hall of Famer. That's important and I don't want to stop that. Besides, I know you, you're probably working on other degrees too."
"Sort of," Lance admitted, which absolutely said he was. Lance's scope of interest seemed to focus on two things, wrestling and education.
Mox had no real idea of how further education worked. He'd gotten his GED, and that was as far as his education went. He had this idea that you went to college for four years, got a bachelor's degree in something, then if you wanted, you went further. He knew there were degrees called "Masters" and "PhD." He knew one or both of those required writing something called a "Thesis," mostly because those were things Lance spoke about. Sometimes Mox wondered if Lance would become the most educated person in the world, getting all the degrees possible, then ignoring them for wrestling. Well, whatever makes him happy. He looked at Lance, deciding to deflect some of the heat off of Roman and maybe get the family to talk about other things. "So, what are you getting your PhD in?"
"Chemistry," Lance said, shrugging as doctorates in chemistry were easy to get and everyone ought to have at least one. "I already have a masters in Math and psychology. I hope to get doctorates in those, too."
"God, you remind me of Spencer," Mox said, shaking his head.
"Who's that?" Lance asked, and Mox realized everyone was searching their memories to see if he'd ever mentioned a guy named Spencer before. "Is he a brilliant wrestler like me?"
Mox grinned, thinking Lance sounded eager, as if having another brilliant wrestler around could be great fun, and was pretty sure he was already thinking of them meeting up and becoming an intellectually brilliant tag team that would not only be excellent wrestlers, but would dazzle folks with their intelligent promos. That will probably bore the audience to tears Mox thought, but he shook his head, "No, Spencer is a guy I know from the FBI, the BAU to be exact."
Now everyone at the table really focused their attention on him, even Alexa and he began to feel like a single- cell organism under a microscope. The family knew he worked with the FBI before, they knew he spoke to kids about being abducted. But, Mox never talked about the folks he knew in the FBI.
"They have a BAU in Miami?" Lance asked.
"No, just in Quantico," Mox said. "I've worked with them a couple of times, trying to give them information that might help them, uh, catch the types of guys that held me captive." He squirmed in his chair, wishing he hadn't brought the subject up. "They don't know too much about them, because they live in a semi underground world and they have learned to behave normally enough that they are hard to recognize. If they make it to prison for abusing kids, they don't last very long. The BAU think I can give them an insider perspective."
"Tell me more about Spencer," Lance said, and Mox knew he was being thrown a lifeline to get him off the subject of his capture and imprisonment.
"He's got a massive brain, just like you," Mox said, grinning. "You almost expect to find out he uses diplomas for place mats and coasters. He's not as good with people in general as you are, though."
"A lot of geniuses aren't," Lance said, confidentially. "Most of us have some type of social difficulty. How bad it is depends on the person. I know I'm not perfect at catching all the social cues, but I do all right. I'm not afraid of shaking hands, or being touched in a social matter."
I sure was, Mox thought. But it wasn't because I'm brilliant. "Spencer is not keen on shaking hands," Mox admitted.
"Okay, how else is he socially awkward?"
Mox felt uncomfortable. Spencer Reid was a little weird, but in general, a nice guy and Mox wasn't sure he should be talking about him like this. "Well, one time when I was talking with him, telling him that, uh, most of the strangers I dealt with and made movies with, were guys, but the best I could tell, they thought of themselves as straight. He went to great lengths to tell me that true pedophiles it's less about the gender of a child and more about having control. He also explained that there were different classifications. Pedophiles liked kids between toddlers and around nine or so. Those that liked older kids, like just before puberty hit were hebephiles." Spencer had told him a lot more, but he knew this information was hitting way too close for Alexa's comfort. "It's like he can't resist giving away his knowledge, even if it's not needed. If you said you were going to go to the store to buy a toaster, he'd probably give you the history of toasters, who made the first one, all that information."
"Well, the first toasters were technically just sticks that held bread on them so they could be toasted over an open fire," Lance said. "It was very common in Roman times. But if you're talking about electric toasters, then it was Alan MacMasters who is considered to have invented the first appliance that was made only for making toast in 1893-"
"Whatever you say, Spencer," Mox said, rolling his eyes. "I was giving you that as an example to show you how socially awkward he is, not so you could prove you can be just as weird."
"All right," Lance conceded, "But I'd still like to meet him someday. I don't often get to talk with people who are my intellectual equal."
And you probably have no idea how offensive that sounds, Mox thought. Maybe you are less savvy with the social thing than you thought you were.
Fortunately, the waiter came over and asked them if they were finally able to order and everyone fell over themselves to tell him they certainly were. Once every order was taken, and the waiter going off to get the salads and appetizers, May launched into telling everyone about the latest adventures of her younger siblings. With so many of them, there was always an amusing story about at least one of them, often more. The subject of the FBI, Spencer, social awkwardness, and even Roman's announcement of what folks were allowed to do and not do were forgotten, at least temporarily.
.
Alexa was quiet all the way through dinner and on the ride home. Most folks didn't notice, but Mox did. So when they were back in the apartment, he tried to draw her out. "Are you okay?"
She shrugged, "I'm fine. I want to wash up and get ready for bed."
Mox let her go, knowing trying to get her to talk when she wasn't ready would never work. Instead, because the A/C didn't work well in the tiny place, he changed into a pair of shorts and a tank top, glad to get out of his "business casual" clothing. He put a clean pair of sweatpants and a long sleeved shirt near the door in case someone knocked. He had been better at getting Alexa not to beat up on him, but he still had bruises, most of them a sickly shade of greenish yellow. It bothered and embarrassed him that he had to have a cover up plan if someone besides Alexa saw him, but he was hoping when these bruises faded, they would be the last ones she'd give him.