Chapter 18 - Let Me Love You

Harm was never the couch potato type of guy. He always had something to do, somewhere to be and all sorts of activities to keep him occupied. But then that was the life of Harmon Rabb Jr, fun and exciting. Alexander Reginato was absolutely, painfully, dreadfully dull.

It was ill advised to speak bad about the dead but nothing was further from the truth. His alias was a former Lt Commander in the Navy who died of natural causes, an aneurysm. He'd done a little research on the man, found his record was spick and span. Not one single blemish appeared and he cringed when he discovered the deceased officer's hobbies including making fishing lures and rebinding old books.

He frowned at such mundane things and from the looks of the overly masculine furnishings and dark tones of the Commander's former apartment in Georgetown, it was clear that Reginato was something of a womanless, sterile neat freak. Books shelves lined the living room walls with each tome arranged by subject and author. From the vastly extensive section on Astronomy and the large telescope just by the window to the section on women's lib it was clear that, outside of human interaction with the Navy, Alex was something of a recluse. "The perfect cover." For someone who needed to lay low.

He also had no family, no wife or kids, no girlfriend, boyfriend or a significant other of any kind. Reginato was all alone in this world and so he wouldn't be missed, that thought saddened him - that a person could disappear from the face of the Earth and it didn't matter to anyone.

Even his work in the Pentagon kept him locked in a room mostly to himself because Reginato wasn't just a liaison as Webb had implied. The spy had mistakenly given him classified documents, a dossier that dictated his real duties which had the officer working something much more covert. It made him wonder if Reginato's death was anything more than just natural causes.

Sighing heavily - he'd been doing a lot of that lately - Harm threw himself off the couch as the oven beeped that his meal was ready. At the very least Alex liked cooking as much as he did, it was evident by all of the modern equipment and the plethora of utensils at his disposal.

It felt slightly odd to live in a dead man's home and assume his name but, he tried not to let that bother him. He dished out his vegetable lasagna realizing he'd made entirely too much for one person and settled back on the sofa. He uncorked a bottle of merlot and didn't let it breathe before he took a long gulp without pouring it in a glass. Dammit he was lonely, heartbroken...pained.

The itch to call Mac was becoming unbearable but he feared she wouldn't answer and he'd be left in limbo. Harm also worried about her answering and the much deserved berating she likely would ensue. He didn't want to be in the line of sight of a pissed off Marine and was terrified she'd never want to see him again.

What if hee anger forced Mac to keep Gracie away from him? What if he never saw his daughter again? Mac could hold a grudge until her dying breath and it scared him to think that the same woman who claimed to love him could just fall out of love. "What have I done?"

His appetite vanished as quickly as it appeared when he began baking the dish. The smells still wafting from the kitchen made him suddenly nauseous. Disgusted, Harm pushed away the plate of food and just took another swig of wine. A rather large bottle, he knew having no alcohol in his system for five years meant that gulping down the whole thing would make him quickly inebriated.

And maybe that's what he needed? To get shitfaced plastered so that he wouldn't think about Mac anymore. So he took another swig, desperately wanting to tip the bottle back and gulp until there was nothing left. Shame stopped him.

The shame he would feel if Mac ever knew he was contemplating to battle his own grief with the bottom of a bottle. "Damnit." He stood, walked to the kitchen and dumped the rest of the contents down the drain taking sparkling water from the fridge instead while he made himself finish his meal.

He was barely done washing the dishes and throwing on the small pot of coffee when a heavy knock startled him. Harm grabbed a pistol hidden in the bread box, one of many pieces strewn throughout the home for easy access. More than likely it was Chegwidden or Webb who had relentlessly watched over him like a child since his return.

Why couldn't they leave him alone? .They visited at all hours and made sure he was alright and wouldn't run. Part of him wanted to take off simply out of spite but that was stupid and childish when the two men were just trying to keep him and his family safe.

Today he just wasn't in the mood for company or the idle chit chat both men tried to engage him in. He never really answered back just a few grunts until either man got the hint and left him alone. Couldn't they understand that he wanted to ache, wanted to hurt because he deserved it for what he'd done to her? He deserved the pain he was in and probably so much more. As he crossed the apartment the simmering anger had reached a fever pitch and without looking, Harm tossed open the door. "Leave me alone, Webb!"

It wasn't Webb and that was when his heart stopped and crashed straight to the pit of his stomach. The gun he was holding in his right hand fell out, hit the wooden floors and skeeted a couple of feet away. "M-Mac?"

She was in black jeans, a white t-shirt and a dark denim jacket. Her eyes were slightly bloodshot, irises a brighter shade of amber making them look like gems. Mac always had the most expressive eyes which conveyed so much more than words ever could. She seemed to breathe a sigh of relief upon seeing him and just as quickly her soft gaze burned with fury. Harm could only stare wordlessly because For the life of him, he'd never seen anything so beautiful. "Can I come in or you gonna leave me standing out here?"

He swallowed hard and continued to dumbly gawk until his brain registered that she wasn't just a figment of his imagination. "Uh yeah. Yes, of course...come in."

Mac was nervous as she stepped into the living room but Marine stoicism kept her face impassive, her emotions veiled. She'd taken a deep breath before knocking and straightened her spine wondering if this would be the last she would see of Harm. It wasn't that she didn't want him, Lord knows that she did. It wasn't that she didn't love him, she knew she'd never love again but, Mac just could not live the half-life she'd thrusted herself into. She couldn't stand that particular grief anymore, it was killing her and putting unneeded strain on her relationship with Gracie. "Nice place."

Part of her wanted to cry, the other wanted to throttle her infuriating flyboy. Thankfully she did neither as she looked around the rather posh apartment. Wherever he was staying this was not the kind of place she expected. Antiques and books were all neatly displayed like museum pieces. Harm was always the minimal kind and only had out pictures and items that he truly loved. "Not where I thought you'd be living."

Harm watched her for a moment, mindlessly wondering how, after spending so many days in her arms, it now felt awkward the tension thick around them. "How'd you find me? Webb?"

"No. Chegwidden." Although she didn't really have to plead her case, he'd given her Harm's information almost right off the bat and told her to hurry.

"Shit…" His brain began firing on all cylinders again and Harm was slammed by emotions so jumbled he could barely figure out which he should feel - contentment that she came after him or anger because she came after him. "You shouldn't be here. You need to go….it's not safe."

"I don't care...I'm tired of going round in circles and I refuse to spend my life missing and grieving you." She took a step towards Harm and he took two back, raising his hands as if shielding himself away from her.

"Mac…Don't."

Arms that were trying to pull him close dropped to her sides. Something told her to give up that the fight wasn't worth it when he'd snuck off how he had. There had been no reassurances, no tender goodbye. He'd slept with her and then left like a thief in the night. And so she took a deep breath and let it out with an audible woosh. She came here for him, she wasn't leaving without some sort of resolution that fixed the mess they were in. So she walked towards him on measured steps, gauging his expression with each move she made. "Harm, I love you...I love you so damned much that it hurts."

She took another cautious step and was relieved he didn't step away. "I can't see myself with anyone else, I won't be with someone else. And I won't let you push me away this time."

"Mac…" Harm stood with his arms folded across his chest, a way to shield himself off from her that never really worked. Sarah MacKenzie always had a way around his defenses because she began chipping them away in the desert so many years ago. "I'm sorry."

"I've resigned to being alone for the rest of my life if you never came back because no one...not one single man will ever fill that void you left...And I hate that. I hate you for that."

"Mac, I really am sorry."

"Stop being sorry!" Mac yelled, finally snapping at his poor apologies and the pitiful expression she rarely ever saw him wear in the past. She wasn't sure if his pity was meant for her, them or the overall situation but whatever it made her want to rage. "I don't want your goddamn apology or excuse! Give me a reason, a good reason why we can't be together. Tell me you don't want me and will walk away and put you behind for good."

For good. Those words felt like a sidewinder not because Mac said them but because he knew she meant them. The past hadn't been his fault, for years Harm had no way of contracting anyone least of all Mac. This he could fix, save and he was terrified. "It's not so simple."

She sighed. "It doesn't have to be so complicated." Her voice had become soft again in an almost consoling kind of way. "You came back and you came to find me. That has to mean something."

"Palmer is still…"

"...out there and dangerous." Mac finished for him. "I know. But I won't live in fear and I won't let him win."

"He'll hurt you." Why couldn't she understand? "He may hurt Gracie too."

"You hurt us both by leaving...She misses you...Needs you."

"She's a four year old who doesn't know me, not really. She'll get over me."

"No Harm, she's part of you." Mac had doubled her efforts, and began walking towards him again stopping short when his eyes widened. "Tell me you don't want me. Tell me it was easy to sleep with me and disappear."

"I can't!" He yelled and took a step towards her still keeping his arms tightly wrapped around himself. Harm's breath was ragged, the beating of his heart so loud it was deafening. He wanted to scream, to cry, to run. But then the latter never got them anything more than pain. More than anything, he wanted to crash into her arms and make this heavy weight between them disappear. "God damnit, Sarah...I love you. I. Love. You."

He gripped the back of the sofa that he was now cowering behind when his affirmation brought Mac even closer. She stood there watching him and Harm's eyes couldn't hold her gaze, it felt like she was branding him. "I loved being with you. I feel like I'm drowning without you. I wasn't supposed to let it go this far...not now."

"Do you regret it? Me? Gracie?"

"No. I could never." In their arms he had a purpose, a home where Harmon Rabb Jr still lived instead of this alias he was saddled with. "Mac...I."

Somehow she'd managed to crack his defenses both the physical and emotional ones and Harm found himself standing in front of her. Mac cocked her head studiously trying to gauge his expression. The gentlest of smiles tugged at her lips as she pulled his arms open and stepped into them. "Just let go. We'll figure it out, you and me. Even if it means disappearing, just the three of us."

That's when it donned on him, his daughter wasn't with her. "Where's Gracie?"

"With Mic. Safe."

Mic. Although he'd come around to the Aussie after their chat in California, Harm still held an unwavering jealousy and resentment. All that he wanted with Mac, Mic had for a while and it was a time that Harm could never get back. "With Mic?"

"He'll never let anyone hurt her." And that included herself.

As much as Harm didn't want to leave his daughters safety to anyone but himself he trusted that Mac would never give her to someone who would ever hurt their child. Sighing, his arms lightly held her. "I can't give you any sort of life right now, Mac. This. Us. It's crazy."

"I know. I know how crazy this is but, everything between us has never been conventional." Mac came up to her toes and her body pushed against his, forcing Harm to wrap his arms tightly around her. Her lips pressed soft kisses on the corners of his mouth before kissing him fully. "Just let me love you. Please."

Once she kissed him again they never stopped until they reached the bedroom.

It was the smell of coffee that woke her and also the sexy man carrying in a tray of food. A quick consultation of her internal clock and Mac realized it was morning, late morning. She stretched, making her instantly aware of those little aches from a night of make up sex. He'd given, she'd taken and vice versa until they were beyond exhausted.

The man had certainly taken her to new heights with his physical form of an apology. She hadn't intended to sleep with him but a sweep of his tongue across her lower lip forced Mac to give in. Dear God they were so combustible.

"Breakfast in bed?" She quirked an eyebrow up as Harm placed the tray in the center of the bed, his mischievous grin made her giggle. "Is this your way of sucking up, flyboy?"

He sat at the edge and poured her a cup of coffee that he'd made in a rather nice French Press. "I thought everything we did last night and this morning was sucking up enough?"

"It was… well… adequate."

"Adequate?" Harm watched her take a sip of the coffee, her face a mask of indifference as he tried to gauge if she was kidding or not. The make up sex had been really damned good, in his opinion and she thought it was just… "Just adequate? Wow, Mac way to shoot down a guy's ego."

"You didn't think so?"

"No! Cause I thought… well, I mean… I felt like...like...it was damned good." He glanced over again and saw a particular smile tugging at her lips, the teasing kind from those few times she'd been able to get him. Harm shook his head and chuckled.

Mac leaned over and brushed her lips over his just enough to leave him wanting more. "I can honestly say it's never been like that with anyone."

"I feel the same way."