Author's comments: Sorry I've been gone for so long. Family in town, 4th of July activities, and plus these are the last two chapters so of course I want to get them perfect. Enjoy.

All In

Chapter Twenty

Part 1.

Watching the way Amanda stared at the empty marbled sky, Olivia said, "You know what? Let's get take-out."

Blonde tufts bouncing on her shoulders as she nodded in agreement, Amanda said nothing but led the way to the closest Chinese place. The silence between them echoed off the busy pavement, but Olivia thanked her lucky stars that her partner walked slowly enough this time for them to stay side by side. But Amanda's movements were still automatic, and every once in a while Olivia caught a glimpse of her vacant gaze, knowing she wasn't here but in some distant place. Amanda was busy processing her session, she knew, and she didn't press her occupied head to share her inner experience.

Instead, Liv offered a supportive presence, turning over the weight of the reliving in her own mind, knowing from experience how all-consuming this part of the healing progression could be. Their detour to the restaurant took them on a path home that they hadn't traversed for months, and Olivia inhaled the moist air from the river, thinking they would be home for the kids.

But Amanda got halfway down the street and stopped dead in her tracks, and Olivia had to put on the brakes as well, turning to find Amanda frozen in one spot, her mouth wrenched in a tortured expression.

"Amanda?" she said tentatively.

But Amanda didn't answer, instead scanning the scene with darting, panicked eyes. Olivia tried again. "Amanda, what's wrong?"

She responded by throwing her hands to her face, and then bending at the waist. Olivia went to her and put a hand on the back of her head. "What is it?"

After pulling one hand away from her eyes, Amanda said in an agonized tone, "This is where it happened. He picked me up on this street."

"Patton?"

Amanda nodded, and Olivia clicked her tongue and grabbed both of Amanda's hands in hers. "Are you okay?"

Amanda shook her head and looked up the sky, her mouth falling open. "I just want to run from here. But I'm having a hard time breathing."

"Okay," said Olivia, panic starting to clench her own heart. She knew the sensation of icy terror, the feeling that some horrific soul-stealing event had happened like it was yesterday, and could emerge at any time to claim her very existence. So she did what she wished someone had done for her, and said, "It's okay, Amanda. Look at me. Listen to me."

Amanda nodded, pulling one hand away from Olivia to fan her face, teardrops rimming her eyes. "I can't breathe, Liv."

"I know." Olivia bent slightly to make eye contact with Amanda's now-lowered head. "Look at me. Hold onto my hands and feel my touch."

Her chest rising and falling in quick spurts, Amanda nodded tersely and grabbed Olivia's hand once more. Liv pressed her thumbs into Amanda's palms, and then massaged in deep, small circles. "It's okay. Focus. Now match my breathing."

She knew it was starting to work when Amanda's red-rimmed eyes met hers and she took a couple of deep yet uneven inhalations. "That's it," she said. "Just breathe."

Amanda took two more deep breaths, these more steady than the last, and closed her eyes. "That's it," said Olivia. "Block out everything, all thoughts. It's just you and I, right here."

After sucking in several more gulps of air, Amanda opened her eyes and said, "Okay. I'm okay."

Olivia patted her on the back. "Great. Now let's get you out of here and go home."

Part 2.

They made it the rest of the way home without incident, but Amanda kept insisting, "I should have known better. I don't know why I turned down that street. How could I forget?"

"It's okay," Olivia reassured, noting the way Amanda's hands still trembled as she hugged herself. "You made it through. We're almost home."

Amanda's whole body shuddered as if she was outside in the winter without a coat. "How am I supposed to do this, Liv?"

Olivia ran her hand down Amanda's arm until it unfurled, loosing her thin fingers for Liv to take into the folds of her own. "You keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep moving. Time will pass. Sanity will return, I promise."

"I thought I had a handle on this, after you went away." Amanda's eyes rolled up as she revealed long-buried thoughts. "I was barely existing without you, when you were gone. But I was functioning. I had to keep on, had to take care of things. Now I can't even…"

She tightened her grip on Olivia's hand as she shook her head, her lips pursing together. Olivia kissed her hand as they arrived at the front door of her apartment building. "You make it through, however you can. And then time passes. It's as easy and as mind-numbingly hard as that." She turned to face Amanda before they went in, and tried to hide the desperation in her quavering voice. "And you let me be your anchor. Please."

Amanda's chest rose and fell sharply, twice, before she lunged forward to throw her arms around Olivia's neck. Her fingers tangling in Olivia's hair, she whispered, "Thank you, Liv. Thank God you're here."

Part 3.

Olivia stood side by side with Amanda, doling out food into plates while Amanda opened containers and found silverware for everyone. Olivia was still dishing out spoon-fuls of chicken and rice when Amanda finished, and she watched Liv's slender fingers work. Feeling a sudden appreciation of someone working on a shared goal of motherhood, Amanda slipped her arm around Olivia's waist and lay her head on Liv's shoulder.

Olivia halted her actions long enough to recognize the sudden display of affection, and stopped to put the spoon down and turn towards Amanda and hug her. Amanda smiled against Olivia's neck, and Liv responded by kissing the top of her head. "Feeling better now?" she asked.

"I am," said Amanda, pulling away to take the plates to the table. "Kids! Dinner's ready."

The meal was the typical chaotic routine, Jesse screaming, "I hate this! Why can't we have pizza?" and Noah agreeing, although quietly, for fear of his mother's reprimand, finishing with Billie spilling her milk all over the floor.

Amanda sighed, but got the paper towels without protest. Afterwards, she took the girls in for a bath, leaving Olivia to clean up the mess left behind on the table. Just when Amanda was beginning to wear out from the effort, Olivia came in with Noah already in pajamas and said, "Let me read them all a story tonight?"

Amanda nodded gratefully, and crawled into bed next to Olivia while the kids piled on top of them, filling their tiny bodies into whatever spaces they could find. Liv gave her best story-telling voice to the book, and all the kids listened intently while she finished up. Billie was asleep before she was even done, and Jesse didn't take much longer to curl up and shut her eyes. Noah was a little harder, but Amanda left Olivia to take care of him and crept into her own bed.

In the busyness of the evening, Amanda had been able to package away thoughts of evil into neat boxes in her unconscious. Now, lying in her own soft mattress, Patton's forgotten words reminded her what she'd struggled through in her session.

"Come here," he'd said, as she'd slid across the hotel room bed to escape the pain he was forcing onto her. He'd pulled her back down and flipped her over, and said, "I know what you need. Exactly what you deserve, because you're such a worthless cunt."

And then she'd had to dig her own fingernails into her flesh just to get through the agonizing torture as he'd forced things to fit into places they didn't belong. As she brought herself back to her own bed, she realized that her fingers were gripped around the bed sheets, and a sense of gasping panic set in as she tried to pry herself away from the past.

Hearing the shuffle of feet on the carpet, she looked over to see Olivia framing the doorway, staring at her. Liv's voice rose as she said, "What's wrong, Amanda?"

Amanda fought off the urge to slam her lips shut and brush past Olivia into the other room, where the usual vices awaited. Instead, she sat up and let her legs dangle from the bed. Allowing her hair to fall around her cheeks and hide her face, she hung her head and looked at the floor. Her voice weak, she said, "I have to admit, I'm really craving a drink right about now."

She could hear tentative footsteps and then felt the mattress depress and a hand on her back as Olivia sat next to her. "Tell me what's going on?"

Every part of Amanda wanted to shut down, to run out of here to a bar where she could get smashed in oblivion. But she forced her ass to stay glued to the bed and mustered up every bit of courage so she could say, "Patton knew my weakness. He used my feelings of inadequacy against me, drilled it into me while he was…" She shuddered, remembering the feel of his flesh on her and inside her, the pain, the helplessness.

Olivia's arm reached around her as she grabbed Amanda's shoulder. "It's okay, Amanda. Take your time."

Amanda shook her golden mane as tears started to break free. "He took what little bit of dignity I had left and smashed it to pieces in that hotel room. I begged him—actually begged him to get off me, to stop hurting me."

Tears choked up her throat, keeping vital air from reaching her lungs. Bringing her hands to her face, she willed the breaths to come, but was rewarded only with sobs, and she could no longer even vocalize her distress to Olivia. But Liv brushed aside a strand of blonde hair and looked into her eyes, and she must have seen the alarm, because she said, "Hey. Remember—deep breaths."

Amanda fanned herself with her hands, just like she had earlier, but her sobbing hyperventilation wouldn't slow. Olivia took one of her hands and started pressing one finger at a time between her own fingers, putting pressure on the tips. She moved from finger to finger, squeezing and massaging them one at a time. "Focus on my touch," she said softly.

Amanda nodded, closing her eyes so she could block out Patton and feel her fingers pressed tightly between Olivia's. It started to work, and she felt her breath gradually slowing decelerating as Olivia picked up her other hand and repeated the calming touch.

Now Olivia made eye contact with her. "Better?" she said. When Amanda nodded, Olivia said, "You're safe, Amanda, and he's gone. Okay?"

Amanda nodded, wanting this to be over. It had been a stressful day revealing herself to her partner, and she wasn't used to allowing anyone to share in her inner world. But for the first time she felt safe doing so, like Olivia wasn't going to use her weakness against her or try to get anything from her. As the relief set in, so did the exhaustion from her own anguish, and she leaned into Olivia and buried her face in the nape of Liv's neck, letting go sobs of release while Olivia held her, murmuring reassuring words into her ear.

When Amanda finally pulled away, wiping her eyes as she did, Olivia didn't let go of her, just held her without even being asked. Then she looked Amanda right in the face and said, "You're not trash, Amanda. And even though you've gone through tremendous trauma, your life isn't a tragedy. You're a beautiful person, inside and out, and you're strong, and you're going to get past this. You're not just going to survive it, you're going to thrive. You were strong enough to share with me today, so I know you're going to make it. And I'm going to be right here with you, every step of the way."

Amanda looked into her eyes and saw a sparkle of admiration reflected back, and it made more tears spill down her cheeks. Her voice warbly, she said, "Thank you, Olivia. I love you."

Wanting to reach deep down through those glimmering brown eyes and straight into the beautiful soul inside, Amanda reached a hand up to Olivia's cheek and stroked it with her thumb. As one, they moved together until her trembling lips met Olivia's, and they gently moved against one another. The softness of Olivia's lips sent healing chills down the back of Amanda's neck, and she surrendered to Liv as she moved her mouth from Amanda's lips to her cheeks, kissing the tears from them.

Healing was not easy, but this moment was so tender and touching that Amanda thought she could stay right here forever with this beautiful woman, savoring her touch for all of time.