Chapter 17
The holidays came and went. Having to work both Christmas and New Year's Eve, which sucked, because I wanted to be home with Joseph. This year is the first year in almost 10 years that I had someone to spend the holidays with. I wished I could have spent some time with Joseph and Adam, but Adam hasn't talked to me since Thanksgiving, even then it was generic and unlike my twin brother that I know. I felt further away from him now than I do when he is deployment. I heard from Joseph that Adam was planning spending the holidays at his cabin. Which did hurt me, my own brother didn't want to spend the only time he has been home for holidays, he didn't want to spend it with me.
Our first holiday together was good. Joseph made dinner for us for Christmas and we cuddled on the couch watching Elf and The Office. New Year's he came to the Emergency Department to ring in the New Year with me. Our New Year's kiss was delayed, with the hit-and-drive trauma that had come in minutes before midnight. But still our New Year's kiss was perfect, after our kiss Joseph looked at me and told me this next year will be the best year that has yet to come. Though I thought this year has been pretty good. I met Joseph, and I fell madly in love with him.
Joseph has been hoping to feel the baby move. I have felt flutters but haven't felt baby move-move yet. I know it could be another couple of weeks before we feel the baby move. I am almost half way through my pregnancy, and since my accident I have recovered, but my OBGYN is still considering my pregnancy high risk until we are over the half way point and have had my abdominal scan. At that time, we will be able to know our gender of the baby. I am still not sure if I want to know the gender of the baby. Our baby has already been a great surprise why not let the gender be a surprise as well.
My thoughts on what the gender of our baby could be disappears while I try to pull at my jacket, that doesn't button in the front as the wind whips around me, and chilling my small baby bump and the rest on my midsection. Not having a free hand while I balance the pizza box in one hand, and in the other hand a couple Christmas presents for Adam. Walking from the Joseph's truck and across the parking lot to his apartment. I still haven't gotten a new car since my accident. Another reason I need to talk to Adam, Joseph's non-rush to get me my own car gives me the sense the team is getting ready to deploy.
It has been months since I have come to his apartment. Last time in fact was the night that I realize that could be pregnant. Taking a deep breath before knocking on his door. I knew he was back from his trip and hoping he would be at his apartment. Today was the first day back to work for the team. They were given 10 days off for the holidays. Hoping that my brother will let me in, so we talk about this. I need him more then I will ever admit.
The door opens slowly, Adam still in uniform and his expression changing from puzzled to realization.
"Kate, what are you doing here?" He questions. Not the response I was hoping for.
"Could I come in? I brought pizza and gifts." I mention with both hands, putting my best smile forward. There is uncertainty in the air between us.
"It's not a good time." Adam tells me. Disappointment shoots through me. It's like a punch to the gut. I need my brother; I have always looked up to him and his strength and willingness to go the extra mile make the impossible happen.
"I didn't see you for Christmas, and I got you gifts." I tell him. Still trying to get through the door so we could talk. Praying there is some glimmer of hope we could talk this out. I need him to be my brother, the one person that always had my back.
"Kate, I just got home from work and I really don't want to do this right now." Adam explains. The words escape me.
"Oh….ok." I tell him. I can't help the tears that brim my eyes. "Well this is for you." I hand him the box of pizza and dropping the presents on the floor in front of the doorway, and turning on a heel. Walking away before I lose it. Before he sees me cry because my only family doesn't want anything to do with me. He isn't willing to go the extra mile and make the impossible happen. He didn't follow me. Silently sobbing as I made my walk back to the truck.
I cried the entire way home. Feeling like I just lost my brother. The pain of that feeling rips through me. I have lost the only piece of my family that I had left. That feeling of being lost. Feeling like I am completely alone in the world. When I pull up into the driveway. I am home, the garage door open and Joseph inside with gear scatter around him. His hand up and blocking the headlights from his truck. Putting the truck in park, and Joseph is at the driver side door, opening it for me.
"That was quick? How was your brother?" He questions reaching to help me out of the driver seat. The cab is light is horrible and I don't think he can see my face. Knowing that my cheeks are red and tear stained. I can't find the words to tell him. I can't stop myself. I sob all over again. Burying my face into his chest. Wishing my brother would just forgive me.
"Bae? Kate, what's wrong?" He questions pulling me from the truck and into the garage, out of the cold weather.
"He didn't want to see me. He didn't even let me in." I sob. My words coming out broken and incoherent.
"I am sorry. Your brother can be an ass." He holds me tighter, as we slump onto the couch. Joseph rubbing circles into my back. Still wrapped into my jacket and boots. After some time, he pulls me into his lap and my tears are dry. Feeling some sort of peace being here in his lap. Joseph tugs both my boots off, dropping them on to the floor. His hand resting on top of my small baby bump. Then out of nowhere, there is a soft but noticeable kick from under Joseph hand, coming from our baby. Both of us still, as it happens again.
"WOHA" I say, surprised by the movement. Our baby just kicked and we both felt it.
"That was the baby?" Joseph questions. While I pull more of my shirt away from my belly, exposing more of my midsection.
"That was our baby!" I tell him, I can't believe what it actually feels like. It is the best feeling in the world. I have felt my patient baby's move but I could never imagine it feeling like this. A small reminder that I am not alone, and that I have a family. My brother is being an asshole. I don't need his approval nor do I need him. I have everything I need right here. Adam made is choice.
Joseph's palm in the middle of my bare bump, his fingers extended out. His whole hand covers my whole bump. It probably won't be long that his hand won't cover my entire stomach. The baby kicks again.
"Little one is an activate one." He says sounding shocked, his face it bright with a smile stretching across face.
"It's so crazy." I say.
"Best feeling in the world." Joseph says.
The next morning, stopping at the top of the stairs, Joseph is sitting on the floor, tough box is open and supplies are laid out all over the floor. Note pad in hand, making notes and taking inventory. Realization hits me like a thousand pounds. I was right about my feel. The team have orders to deploy. Joseph is leaving. The weight sits in my gut. My hands touch the small bump in my midsection, touching the small kicks that bumps under my skin. My small reminder that I am not alone.
"What happened to the living room? You we live here; this isn't a supply bay." I joke. Stepping over the supplies and climbing on to the couch. Joseph giving me a kiss. I can see the bags under his eyes. He is tired. Wondering how long he slept for, better yet how long he has been awake.
"Good morning," He says giving me another kiss. "Sorry about the mess." His eyes dart away, I think he is avoiding me gaze.
"When do you leave?" I blurt out.
"The end of the week." He tells me.
"Oh. What can I help with?" I ask.
"Nothing, I am almost done. I have to submit my supplies list and I will be done for today. Are you hungry? We could go out to eat." He tells.
"Sure, you finish here and I will get dress." I start moving off the couch and stepping around the supplies.
"Then you can drop me off at the office. I have a meeting with the team." Joseph's says with a tone of pain, like he doesn't want to do any of it. His tone matching the look that covers his face.
"Please don't talk to Adam about what happen last night. If he doesn't want to talk to me, I don't want to force him." I try and sound normal.
"I won't. I don't think I could talk to him about it without it ending in a fight, and I really don't want to be moved to another team cause Dalton and I can't get along." He tells me, wishing he wasn't in the middle. Hoping that Adam wouldn't take any of this out on Joseph.
"I don't want that either." I say, walking up back up the steps to our bedroom. Realizing that I need to make the most of the time I have left with Joseph before he deploys.