As the Sky May Fall EirlysLavellan
The Avengers Marvel Comics
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Summary: Alice was always so sure of the way her life was going to go, however, her entire perspective is changed upon being forcibly added to the Avengers. After the Invasion of New York things quickly change and she realizes that everything she thought she was, is nothing close to what she ever imagined especially when she realizes that the man she had thought was dead turns out to be forcibly working for HYDRA as their Winter Soldier. She swears she will do anything to keep him safe even if that means going against the new family she has built.
Disclaimer: I am a poor college grad and am receiving no payment whatsoever to write this fiction. If I was, in fact, getting paid for this, I would not be a poor college graduate that I can assure you. All rights are reserved to Marvel, D.C. Comics, and Walt Disney Pictures and Columbia Studios as well as the amazing screenwriters, directors and producers, and actors who created this film. I only own the subplot as well as Alice Alexander and any other unrecognizable character throughout the plot.
Story Type: OC-Insert – Slight AU/Fix-it come Endgame
Main Pairing: Eventual Bucky/OC
Other Pairings: Slight Nat/Cap, Maria/OC and OC/OC
Rating: M
Warning: Spoilers, character death, violence, suggestive themes (such as sexual assault/self-harm/depression) and vulgarity.
Author's Note: Hey there y'all and welcome back! It's been A MINUTE!
Pssssssssst! Just in case y'all are geeks like I am, I updated the story banner [ - I'm bolded so you'll notice me lmao] ;) I showed my sister a side by side comparison between the newer version and the previous version and she agreed that the girl I based Alice's appearance off of (I have an entire cast list on my main profile/page if you're curious) looks so much more badass and confident in that photo than the previous one. ALSO I think it fits Alice's personality going forward! I digress lol.
Before we jump into it a special thank you to: simmerandcry, Brie, SomebodyWhoCares, and everybodyhurtsfor their lovely reviews!
*If you don't have an account no worries just leave me a name in your review and I'll answer you in the beginning of the chapter! For anyone who has an account I always shoot you a PM as soon as FF allows me to see the post ;)*
Also a HUGE thank you to everyone else who has favorited and followed this here story of mine. I hope you all enjoy and please don't forget to RR!
Brie - Thank you for your review, I so, so sincerely appreciate it! Steve is definitely a more of an in-the-moment, think-before-I-speak kinda guy especially when he's speaking to friends or people he believes are friends. The last chapter especially emotions were running high for both Steve and Alice and I wanted to show that in a way where it would make him slightly OOC. Especially since Alice is definitely not in any place to take criticism, even the joking kind lol. As I'm sure you've been waiting eagerly, here is the next chapter :)
Onward beauties~!
As the Sky May Fall
Captain America: The Winter Soldier
17
Early June 2014
"Damnit!"
Alice grunted as she dropped shakily to her feet, her arms aching and sweat seeming to pour from every pore of her body. Her hair, though pulled back in a higher messy bun than normal, stuck to her skin in damp curls. It had been a week and she had finally had enough of sitting around doing nothing, focusing instead on getting herself back to a decent weight and working on building her muscles.
She had gone back to her farm in Virginia and both Ian and Dan had doted on her hand and foot, not understanding that she needed independence in order to get better. She loved both of them dearly, but she had to threaten them with being fired if they didn't leave her alone. Ian had vehemently argued that if she didn't take more time off he would quit and leave her to do his job instead. Alice had quickly reconsidered and accepted, stating that she would be in her barn-converted-gym.
Sighing softly she brushed the stray strands from her face before grabbing her water bottle from the side of the room and gulping it down. Her sweat-slicking sports shirt clung to her despite it being marketed to not cling uncomfortably to her, the sleeves pushed up to her elbows in order to hide the brand on her arm. She wore a matching set of biker shorts and wraps on her feet and hands in an effort to protect both from her work out and give her stability in both her ankles and wrists. Alice's legs had been the first to come back to strength and she could move easier and without the awkward gait if she purposely focused on the movement – the bones refusing and making her newly acquired bowed-legs a large inconvenience considering she had to relearn to walk with the newer addition to her long list of abnormalities – but her upper body left much to be desired.
"You're getting better," Clint praised as he passed her a towel which she took gratefully with a huffed nod. "It's not something that's going to just magically come back and your time holding the bar is getting better."
"It's not enough," She sighed after she had taken another swig from her water, swishing it around her mouth and spitting it to the side. "At this point you may as well lock me in Stark tower and let me work a computer."
"You wanna become a Stark employee?" He snorted, "Not enough hazard pay in the world if you ask me."
She leveled the man with a dry stare which he only smiled and shrugged at.
Clint had magically appeared nearly three days ago with his kids and Laura – the woman was a god-send and had taken over her house like a surly Commander and Clint had, after nearly picking her self-pitying self off of the floor of her basement, spirited her away in an effort to save her from the lecture she was sure to endure about the condition of the house. Alice hadn't been taking care of things in a particularly healthy way and the true visible representation of her inner turmoil revealed itself in the state of disarray of her home.
Cooper and Lila had been doing everything in an effort to cheer her up, by either drawing her pictures or making her small little crafts that she had immediately hung up with the largest smile she could manage to the children. Clint had recognized the state of her mind and had decided he was the best qualified to help her out as he was still dealing with his own PTSD from the Invasion of New York. It had gotten to the point where the two of them would sit together and he would play with her hair and style it.
"It was a mission I had years ago," he had explained when she had asked about it, "I had to go undercover as a stylist to get close to a target and I'm a quick study…it's relaxing." Alice had teased him for the continued hobby, but ultimately found it to be endearing and Laura had said it was amazing that she didn't need to go to a stylist if she didn't want to, earning a loud laugh from the mutant.
Alice shook her head to refocus herself, "No…you're right, but I bet I'd get pretty amazing benefits."
"Health care…bonuses?"
"Paid vacation time."
Clint threw his head back and laughed before flopping next to where she had sat on the bench just off to the side of the boxing ring they had set up two years ago and nudging her shoulder with his. "You know I wouldn't lie to you just to spare your feelings right?"
"I know," She sighed softly as she leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees and rubbing the back of her neck. "I hate this though…in the past I would just let my body naturally get itself sorted out, but now that I need it to be maintained more it's...frustrating."
"Maybe, but you are getting better. We'll continue reps and keep working at the uneven bars." He explained, "We'll get you better in no-time, Kit, believe me."
That was true, she thought to herself as she looked at the whiteboard he had set up upon arriving with her daily exercise routine listed out. He and his family had shown up randomly and she could only assume it had been Natasha that had called him in as the Russian had been taking care of something personal. The board listed her daily regimen as well as a space for time as a way to show her progress and she knew Clint was right – she had been improving, but she couldn't help but feel like it wasn't enough.
"Is this how you feel sometimes?"
"What do you mean?" He inquired as he took a sip of his own water, his brows arched questioningly.
"Being so human surrounded by people who are impossibly not?"
"Look, I'm just a guy with a bow and arrow. It doesn't always make sense, but at the same time it does. This team needs people like you and me to keep their egos in check and remind them of the bigger picture. It's not easy, but it's what we're needed for."
She looked up at him from where she was leaned over and offered him a small smile, "I guess…I don't think I ever really asked, but how're you holding up?"
"Oh you mean after New York?" When she nodded he leaned back and sighed softly, "I still have nightmares, but I'm lucky enough to have Laura in my life to keep me from spiraling downwards."
She snorted on a laugh, "Hence why you let her take over my house?"
"Exactly," Clint smiled unabashedly, "You need people in your life sometimes that are outside the madness that this life forces on us. Nat told me what happened…how're you holding up?"
Alice couldn't deny that she woke up with plenty of nightmares within the last week, many of them centered around the bank where Pierce had ordered Bucky to beat her and it always ended in her death in some way - by his hand or Pierce's, it didn't ever seem to matter. It had left a hole in her chest that seemed to only open wider and wider after each episode as if it was a wound that someone kept twisting over and over and pouring salt, dirt and acid into after each reopening. She had woken more than once in a pool of her own sweat and screaming and Laura or Clint standing in the doorway of her darkened room with worry crossing their features, but mostly understanding. Neither would move into the room immediately, instead they would speak to her from the doorway before slowly entering, always leaving the doorway unblocked in the event her claustrophobia overpowered her and she needed an escape.
She thought on his question for longer than she thought she should, but when his hand rested on her shoulder, squeezing the sore muscle in comfort she looked back to him, her eyes clouded.
"It's…it's always worse before it's better," She spoke carefully and earning a nod from Clint, who she knew understood her better in that moment than anyone else. "It's been a while since I've had to constantly remind myself of that…I'm constantly looking for doorways, looking over my shoulder and constantly reminding myself that the people around me are friends and not anyone untrustworthy. I…" She fought through the emotion clogging her throat and strangling her words, using Clint's hand to anchor her and keep her from falling into the turmoil of her memories, "I can still see him…his eyes…they weren't his." She swallowed around another lump in her throat, fighting against the emotion burning at her sinuses and the welled tears in her eyes. "You know what the worst part was?" Clint waited patiently for her to continue, his hand heavy on her shoulder, "The worst part was that I couldn't do anything…I was so paralyzed by his memory…paralyzed by the knowledge that he's been fighting against his own mind and his captors for seventy years and trying to resurface against everything they've done to him…paralyzed because I was powerless to stop them – to change the outcome – to save him."
"Alice…"
"I was weak," She snorted, ignoring the tears that now leaked from her eyes and joined the moisture already clinging to her face, "and they showed me what they planned for me and that terrifies me, Clint. They took the strongest man I've ever known and twisted him into something I know that he would never be if he had a choice in the matter."
She allowed herself to be pulled into the archer's embrace, her hand immediately latching onto his arm and allowing him to tuck her head into his shoulder, his head resting atop hers as he rocked her.
Laura Barton was a saint of a woman and she was aware that she put up with quite a lot especially when it came to the functionality of her own family. She raised two kids nearly by herself and soon it would be three – if she and Clint continued to try for another baby, such as it was – and managed an entire farm while he was doing his job in keeping them safe. Suddenly, and without warning, they had another addition to their small family in the form of a young mutant. At first Laura hadn't believed that she was older than any of them many times over as she was so small in comparison to even her, but she had soon found a friend in the Colonial-era woman – a woman that her husband affectionately called "Kit" or "Kid" much to the mutant's annoyance and his delight.
When Natasha had called Clint and explained that Alice shouldn't be left to her own devices, Laura hadn't thought anything of picking up her life and visiting the farm in Virginia that was so very much like the one they lived at in Missouri and she was happy they had. After motivating her kids to helping her clean the mutant's house she had stepped out of the old colonial home, leaving her kids in the hands of a very enthusiastic Ian and making her way to the barn that housed the at-home gym that Alice, Natasha and Clint had built. She stood in the doorway of the barn and stopped, her heart shuddering in her chest as she took in the scene of her husband holding a half sobbing mutant and him comforting her as if she was made of glass. It made her heart swell in love for the man and shatter at the same time that this strong woman she had gotten to know for two years was so undeniably broken.
She hesitated in the doorway for a few moments before her husband's blue eyes met hers and she knew immediately what she needed to do. Stepping into the gym she made her way closer to them and she crouched before the other woman, one hand resting on the mutant's knee and the other running back and forth in a soothing motion on her visible arm that hadn't been curled into her husband's side. Laura met Clint's eyes again and she began speaking softly to the mutant, coaxing her to not hold back and to release so she could begin healing.
"We've got you, Alice…we've got you."
The husband and wife knew that this went beyond heartbreak; they knew that it resided in the mutant's insecurities, the abuse she had survived over her long years and the way she viewed herself to the very fabric of her being. Laura had seen the same trauma echoed in her husband two years ago and Alice had offered to help them should they ever need it – a favor Laura had quickly called upon to help her family heal and it was only fair that the Bartons return that favor with interest. The two continued to comfort the mutant, coaching her through her feelings gently and telling her to do so in her own time – that they weren't going anywhere. After a while the sobs had stopped, but Clint kept the smaller woman tucked into him and Laura offered her a comforting smile.
"What set this off?"
Alice didn't answer, but she didn't need to as Clint spoke up, his voice soft, "Feeling behind, powerless…few other things mixed in too, but that's what we were talking about."
Laura turned doe-like eyes back to the other woman, "I know a little about that too…the feeling of not knowing whether you could change something by being there, or by protecting someone you love." She reached up and wiped the fresh tear tracks that tumbled down blotchy, freckled cheeks, "But sometimes we can't change the past, only how we let it affect us and move forward. If getting stronger is going to help you, then do that, but make sure whatever it is that drives you is reasonable. You can't put yourself down every time something doesn't go according to plan and I know that this advice doesn't apply to that handsome soldier," She smiled when Alice choked on a small laugh, "but take control of the things you can and everything will fall into place. I promise you, Alice, things will happen in time and as they're meant to, but you need to hold onto hope."
"And when it seems there is none?"
Clint's eyes flickered to his wife's to see that they shared the same concerning thoughts in regards to Alice's failing mental health. Laura turned her eyes back to the mutant, taking her face in her hands and wiping the still-cascading tears that ran unbidden with her thumbs, "When there doesn't seem to be hope that's when you need to look the hardest…believe the hardest…fight the hardest because hope is worth it every single time." She offered the mutant a gentle smile, "You never stop fighting for that hope…do you understand?" When Alice nodded with a watery laugh Laura smiled and pulled the mutant away from her husband and into a hug of her own. "Now come on, the kids did something special for you and I'm sure you're going to enjoy it."
"Alright…" She allowed Laura to wrap an arm around her shoulders before turning back to Clint and offering him a small smile. "Thanks, Clint…I know I'm not the easiest person to be around right now."
"You knock that off Alice Elizabeth." When she blinked at him owlishly he smirked, "I had time for research."
She couldn't help the laugh that bubbled passed her lips and she leaned into Laura's one-armed embrace before holding a hand out to him as well, the archer wasting no time in taking it and allowing the women to lead him out of the barn and back to the mutant's home. With coaxing Laura ushered Alice to go up and shower before coming back down which the mutant did willingly. She and Clint watched as she disappeared up the stairs before they looked to one another.
"I'm worried for her, Clint."
"Me too, honey…me too."
"Nat didn't say how bad it was…" Laura frowned as she began pulling things out of the refrigerator to begin a quick meal for all of them. "Have you heard from the team?"
"Steve calls regularly, but Alice has kinda…frozen him out."
Laura turned, her long hair falling over her shoulder as she stared openly at her husband. "Isn't he practically her best friend?"
The archer nodded before offering his wife a helpless shrug, "I don't know what happened between them, but it's enough that Alice isn't looking to him or anyone for help. If we didn't force ourselves on her I doubt she would've allowed us to see how bad it really was."
"That or her employees would've said something," Laura sighed. "Ian and Dan are really trying, but you can tell they get a lot of their strength from her."
Clint nodded as he began helping his wife in preparing the chicken they were meant to have for dinner that night, the two moving as if in a single orbit, "They're good to have around for her, sure, but both of them aren't sure how to deal with this side of our lives…I've brought my problems home enough that I wish you didn't know how to deal with it so well either."
"Well," She shrugged, "That's why we're still together. We're a team and the minute you forget that Clint Barton is the day I hit you in the head with a shoe."
"Yes ma'am," He chuckled, the two moving around the kitchen easily, having worked in Alice's space before and knowing exactly where she kept everything. Rumsfeld watched the goings on of the kitchen with a barely mild interest, the dog's only desire to get a few scraps that would fall. Clint sighed after a moment as he began chopping up the vegetables, "Laur, I don't know how we're going to get her into a better place…"
"She needs to talk about Bucky."
Clint's brow furrowed, "Who?"
Laura rolled her eyes, slapping her husband's shoulder and earning an apologetic look from him, "The man in the pictures…you know, the one that's triggered half of this mental spiral?"
"Right…" Clint sighed softly, "If this guy's situation wasn't so bad already I'd kick his ass for putting her through this shit."
The brunette smiled, pecking her husband's stubble-clad cheek and running her hand over his back, "You look at her like she's one of our own kids…"
"Why shouldn't I?" Clint frowned, "You can tell she hasn't had anyone actually looking out for her in so long that she's forgotten what it's like to actually rely on others." When his wife's smile widened he grunted, "What's that look for?"
"You always remind me in little ways why I love you so much and why I married you," She chuckled. "It comforts me to know you'd probably do worse if it was Lila instead of Alice."
"Oh, if Lila was in this situation I'd kill the man," Clint affirmed with narrowed eyes, his knife copying his emotion and earning a wider smile from his wife. "I don't care how sad his story is or how she'd feel for that matter."
"A true hero," Laura laughed as she hugged him from behind, her chin resting on his shoulder as she stood on the tips of her toes to reach the appropriate height. "I know you want to protect her, truly I do, but this is already a weird situation and it's not cut and dry like everything else you like to shoot your arrows at."
Clint grumbled, "I know that's why it's frustrating."
"You're a good man Clint Barton," She hummed, pecking his cheek as he turned to look over his shoulder at her, "and I'd be willing to bet that Alice knows that she can rely on you…as a teammate and as a friend."
Alice stopped in the doorway as she took in her friends, tugging her cable-knit cardigan tighter around herself and smiling softly. She wasn't jealous of them, but she felt an ache in her heart and allowed herself a small moment to picture herself and Bucky in their position. She wondered vaguely if they could have had what Clint and Laura Barton had if he had never fallen from that train in Switzerland in 1945 and allowed herself the small indulgence. She then wondered if she would have told him the truth about herself and her mutation, if he would have wanted children and if he would have minded adopting as an alternative. Alice was selfish in what she wanted and that was what everyone else had: a family of her own and it was the one thing she knew she could never have. Even if Bucky had known about her mutation and her inability to age or die she knew anything they had wouldn't last, the only comfort would come from her knowledge of how to actually die – a thing she was frightened of even with the knowledge that it would allow her to finally rest once and for all.
She was a coward and she was not blind to this small piece of her. Would she have the constitution to truly go through with it in order to rest with the only man that her very soul seemed to crave in the most terrifying and intimate ways? She didn't believe in soul mates – despite mentioning something similar to Steve two years ago in her Boston apartment – and she couldn't afford to she convinced herself, but she wondered in the deepest parts of herself if that is what they were. Even with her first husband her soul never ached for him, of course she had loved him and had been devastated by his death, but loving Bucky was different and she couldn't help but think that this was the universe's cruel way of giving her a second chance – twisted as it was and it formed a pit in her stomach. They were more like star-crossed lovers and she snorted to herself about the irony. She wondered, suddenly, if there was still hope for her and Bucky, after all Laura had told her to believe and fight for that hope…hadn't she?
"Oh there you are!" Alice nearly jumped from her revere and blinked at Laura, the woman smiling apologetically, "I'm sorry…I didn't mean to startle you."
"No," The mutant smiled slightly, "It's okay, I'm okay."
"Well dinner is almost ready, but let me show you what the kids worked on…I'm sure you'll love it!"
Laura took her hand and pulled her into the room, past Clint who offered the two of them a humored smile before the woman pulled her up to the island that had been built in the center of the kitchen where a tray sat covered by a towel. The Barton matriarch pulled the corner of the towel up to show the mutant the assorted cookies that lay beneath all decorated in icing and sprinkles of varying sizes, types and colors. "Oh, Laura…"
"Don't look at me," The woman smiled widely, "the kids insisted."
"God, what would I do without you guys?"
"Be outrageously bored," Clint chirped from the stove and tossing her a smile over his shoulder, "trust me, it's mutually beneficial. You keep my kids busy and so tired they don't complain at bedtime."
"That's true," Alice hummed as she stole a smaller cookie and examining it with a soft smile. They were shortbread cookies, a personal favorite of hers – besides sea salted chocolate chip cookies – and the one she held was decorated to look like an alien of some sort that seemed to be wearing a crown with multicolored sprinkles peppered all over the icing. She popped it into her mouth before Laura could scold her and hummed in appreciation. "They're wonderful."
"I made sure they didn't poison them," Laura giggled as she took one for herself and watching as the mutant traced the tray fondly. "They worked hard at them."
"I can certainly see that...consider my spirits thoroughly lifted."
"Good because as soon as they come in you're not going to have time to breathe," Clint joked as he continued cooking, allowing his wife to take over keeping the mutant's mind occupied. Alice shot him a deadpanned look before jumping when Laura's hand found her own and she smiled to assuage the woman's guilty and apologetic look.
"I love your kids," Alice smiled, her expression fond once more and Laura quirked a trimmed brow, continuing to munch on the cookie in her hand.
"Did you ever want kids, Alice?"
"There was a time I did…more than anything," Alice admitted wistfully, "I'm not…fertile enough…I suppose."
"Oh…oh Alice I didn't mean –"
The mutant smiled waving her hand lightly, "It's alright…believe me, and I'm honestly okay." When Laura didn't look convinced Alice sighed softly, keeping her expression light. "I was married once and we had tried for years, but I never was able to carry to term."
If Laura was surprised to hear this information she didn't show it, but Clint nearly choked on the sip of beer he had taken, "What?!" He coughed after regaining his breath and earning an amused look from both women, "When was this!?"
"Early 1800s," Alice laughed, "he was a sailor."
Laura smirked, "It seems you've got a type, girlfriend."
A blush immediately lit the mutant's face from her cheeks to her ears and she sputtered, earning a loud laugh from the other woman and a groan from Clint, "No I don't…"
"Was your sailor part of the military too or was that just your other soldier?"
"Clint, quick, shoot me with one of your arrows."
Laura laughed loudly, "Oh come on, Alice, when was the last time you had girl talk?"
"Seriously, shoot me." Alice covered her blushing face with her hands and she wished above anything else that the world would open up and swallow her whole in an effort to save her from her embarrassment, but she knew she couldn't say no to Laura Barton. "Okay…okay maybe I have a type…"
She squeaked when the woman wrapped an arm around her shoulders and began steering her out of the kitchen and towards her patio – shooting a look at her husband that all but demanded he finish the meal for that night in her stead. She smirked, grabbing the pitcher of sangria she had made and two glasses as she went. Alice wasn't sure how Laura managed to hold everything and keep such a grip on her at the same time, but didn't question it as she was led to one of her whicker patio chairs. The table was already set and it was clear that Laura expected them to have dinner outside and she couldn't blame her; the weather was perfect to enjoy a meal outside as it wasn't too hot or too cold especially for the early June weather and it wasn't hot enough to be infested with insects.
"So tell me more!"
"Um…about who?"
Laura shot her a deadpanned look, pouring the sangria for the both of them and pushing one glass in front of the mutant, "As much as I'd love to know about your first husband, I want to know about that dashing man in the pictures in your living room!"
A blush lit her cheeks once more and she tried to hide it behind the lip of her wine glass, "Um…are you sure?"
"When have I ever not been serious when I ask you about something?"
"Okay touché," Alice sighed softly. "What do you want to know?"
"How did you two meet?"
The mutant ran her hand through her loose waves, racking the strands back on her head and opening up her face from the shorter pieces meant to frame her face. Laura took the time to examine her from the soft ivory, cable-knit cardigan she wore over a loose black tank and high-waisted boyfriend jeans that were riddled with holes and rips, rolled and cuffed above the ankles exposing an anklet and small tattoo that looked like a small flower and her bare feet. Her eyes then tracing the dusting of freckles that spread across the mutant's nose and cheeks like a blanket on her make-up free face; though Laura knew the small marks would disappear if she actually put foundation on. Alice's eyes were a light hazel almost appearing to look like the sun through a glass of whiskey instead of the cinnamon they had been an hour before. Her hair surprisingly had been left to its own devices and was still damp – left to curl around her shoulders and past her clavicles and framing the silver chain and token it held at the well of her throat. She watched as different emotions played unchecked across her features and it was the most open Laura had ever seen her face and she concluded that when Alice wasn't actively thinking about maintaining a certain appearance she didn't restrain her emotions – it was much different than the almost aloof appearance she seemed to prefer and it was proving to the woman that Alice was much more complicated than she ever realized.
"It's a weird story, actually." Alice decided finally with an almost fond smile. "I was a nurse for the U.S. 71st field hospital and our hospital was assigned to the 101st Army regiment…it was a weird situation that led to me being transferred, but the 107th's field hospital had gotten lost or captured and they were in the direct line of fire…constantly being ordered to push the Axis line back." She described, "They needed a field hospital more than the 101st since our boys were reinforcements and hadn't actually seen much skirmishing along the Italian coast – they were later transferred up through Norway if I remember correctly. Anyway, I saw more cases of Malaria than I did actual casualties. By the time I received my new assignment we had been in Italy for a few months and the 107th was in desperate need of hands. I was a Second-Lieutenant at the time…most nurses were given the rank to afford them some type of respect over the soldiers we were treating."
Laura listened intently, twisting her hair into a knot at the back of her head as she did, "I'm not going to lie; it's almost hilarious hearing a World War II story from a woman that looks younger than me."
"I know," Alice smiled with a laugh before shrugging, "Anyway, before I had received my orders I had built a reputation for using botany and herbalism in place of other drugs we were short on and that followed me to my new regiment. I was given the moniker Witch Doctor within a week of being at the 107th and Hellcat almost a day in and I was reunited with three of the most brilliant women I'd ever known. Because the 107th was seeing so much action resources were limited and I found myself scavenging for plants more often than not in an effort to help supplies last longer until we received new shipments and it was within that first week I was introduced to Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes."
"Buchanan?" Laura snorted on a laugh as she sipped at her wine, her mocha eyes dancing in humor and earning a laugh from the mutant across from her, "God, I'm so glad I didn't live during that time period. Who even names their kid like that?"
Alice snickered, "It was a family name, he assured me, but he preferred being called Bucky."
"God why!? That's almost worse!"
"If I remember the story correctly, he said it was because as a kid he had bucked teeth and once he hit puberty he grew into them…it became a household nickname to go along with a household middle name…that and apparently James was too formal." She laughed, taking a sip of her wine and allowing the alcohol to relax her, "Anyway, he apparently had never been turned down before because the more he flirted the more I rejected him."
"Oh god," Laura snorted. "That poor man didn't stand a chance."
"No he didn't. At the time my motivations were with the best intentions. My mutation makes it so I don't age and I don't die…makes it difficult to maintain healthy relationships especially during that time period."
"They would've thought you were insane," Laura concluded quickly and earning a hum of agreement from the mutant from around the lip of her glass. "So what happened? Did his flirting finally win you over?"
"God no," The mutant laughed with an unattractive snort, "it was awful. One of our first conversation he brazenly told me: there are three things I want to do before I die and I'd love for you to be one of them." Alice nearly shot her sangria out of her nose at the expression that had overtaken the Barton matriarch's pretty features, her jaw dropped and her eyes wide as if she was torn between being shocked and laughing, her expression poleaxed. She collected herself after managing to swallow and laughing, "It didn't get much better from there…If we weren't in the middle of a war at the time where we needed every abled bodied man I would've had him court marshalled…it seems silly now, but I was so unimpressed at the time I remember saying a few things decidedly unkind and reminding him that I technically outranked him." She laughed when Laura finally managed to emote, her jaw working as if she was trying to figure out how to word her thoughts.
"He went for that pick up line…out of the thousands out there?"
"Your response was better," Alice admitted with a bright flush, "After that I did everything in my power to ignore his existence and it worked for the most part since he was a Sergeant and was busy on the frontlines commanding a platoon. My friend Johana was the only reason why I even bothered giving him a third try."
"Third?"
"Yeah," Alice giggled, "He tried using the moniker I had been given as an excuse to talk to me, asking if I was offended by it and if I was he would take care of it. He started strong on that approach and then mucked it up again with a statement I realize now wasn't near as offensive as I took it at the time." She sighed softly, her expression fond and Laura studied her expressions, though she wouldn't doubt she wasn't enjoying the story, "He doubted my ability to take care of myself and I pointedly reminded him that I was called the Witch Doctor for a reason. And Johana worked really hard after that to at least get us on friendlier terms – employing the aide of Dum Dum Dugan and Gabe Jones – and it eventually worked."
"Dugan and Jones…as in the Howling Commandos?"
"Yeah, he and Gabe were secret conspirators with Johana and I didn't figure that out until much later," Alice sighed softly with a smile. "The boys all met at basic and had been on the line together much longer than I had been working for the 107th – friends through arms as the story goes. Those men were perhaps the most genuine human beings I had ever met albeit reckless and stupid, but genuine all the same. We became fast friends and it seemed it served nothing if not annoy Bucky beyond reason." She giggled into her glass of wine, "Things changed though…the more I got to know him, the more Bucky surprised me. He was frustratingly charismatic, stupidly funny and had the largest heart I'd ever seen. He constantly put his men first and was so brave, clever…tenacious and he had an unending kindness. It was strange to me…I was two hundred and three when we met and in all of those years I had never met anyone like him. Sure he flirted and of course he was a pain in my ass, but that didn't matter to me…I saw the real Bucky Barnes when he would come to visit the boys under his command that ended up at our hospital or when we would exchange books to keep ourselves occupied since he enjoyed reading nearly as much as I did. It was the times where he didn't know anyone was watching that he was the most endearing." She played with the edge of her coaster as she spoke – her expression fond if a little remorseful and Laura watched her opened features knowing how rare it was for her to express them; her need to hide constantly making it difficult to read her most of the time. "I told Steve not two years ago, when he asked me how it happened that it was like falling asleep…slowly –"
"And then all at once," the woman finished as a smile flickered at the corners of her mouth. "John Green. It's a wonderful quote."
"It was fitting."
Laura smiled, "He sounds sweet…if a little cocky and not unlike a man I know."
"I don't know one man that isn't…military or not," The mutant mused with a smile before she continued after a moment of consideration. "Relationships in the Army weren't necessarily allowed especially within the same regiments and if anyone had told our commanding officers about us we would have been separated on different assignments at best, court marshalled at worst." Alice explained, though her expression showed she was not the least bit sorry. "War ages you faster than anything and from friends we kinda developed this tête-à-tête and it evolved."
"When did you realize you loved him?"
The mutant considered the question and allowed a smile to tug at the corners of her mouth, "Honestly? I think I actually noticed him during our second interaction, but I think I started to fall in love with him the day he found me reading by myself when my leave was cancelled due to inclement weather."
"Bad flirting and all?"
"It was more in the way he carried himself around me," Alice admitted. "I'm short…shorter than most people especially in that time period and he stood a foot taller than me easily. He would always try to make himself smaller around me without compromising his posture…he would match my steps when we walked and never actually undermined my authority if the situation was serious and he always met my eyes when he would talk to me. It was…different and different than any man had ever treated me before. And he was so interested in what I had to say even if he had no idea what I was talking about. Don't get me wrong…my first husband was wonderful to me, but with Bucky it was just…different."
Laura smiled softly at the gentle expression on her friend's face, her eyes briefly flickering to see Clint hovering, but she didn't allow Alice to notice as she seemed lost in revere. "He sounds wonderful, Alice."
"I didn't truly realize I loved him until I heard the 107th had been captured. Our field hospital was located three miles away from the fighting…much closer than regulation permitted since the boys were under constant mortar fire. We had been separated after Colonel Phillips called in for more medical staff so we had field hospital set up at our base camp and four of us were assigned as a triage or checkpoint hospital of sorts. They wanted us closer in an effort to see to wounds faster…try and save more lives. Our hospital came under fire…none of us were ready for it. It happened fast, but suddenly those of us who lived were forced in front of a firing squad and they went down the line, asking us questions that at the time made absolutely no sense to us…then everything happened so fast. One of the doctors, Ulysses Baxter, managed to get free and distracted them long enough for myself and Doctor Hal Collins to escape. We managed to avoid detection for some time, but we were in the opposite direction of our allies. We wound up in the forests of Austria and eventually a small troop caught up to us. He forced me to run and I did." She sighed softly, brows pinching as the memory played before her eyes, "He didn't survive…they killed him and they were coming for me. I remember avoiding them for a day or so before they managed to catch up with me."
"Who were they?"
"HYDRA," Alice frowned, her expression shuddering and Laura blinked at the fast flitter of emotion crossing her features. "They were using our guys in work camps not unlike the internment and concentration camps, and using them as experiments. Thankfully I didn't get to endure that part of the war, since Steve just happened upon the exact truck I was being transported in and we took on the facility – in the loosest terms – together."
Laura offered the woman a sympathetic look, "Is that what the picture of the two of you inside is from?"
"It was from the day we arrived back at the 107th, yes."
"You two look good together," Laura smiled before winking conspiratorially, "I'd know…I have an eye for things like this."
The mutant giggled, taking another sip of sangria as she did, "I've no doubt…You know what's sad about the whole thing though?" When Laura didn't answer she continued – her eyes focused intently on her beverage and her nails clinking a nervous beat against the curve of the glass, "The day of that mission in Switzerland we argued. It's stupid now that I look back on it, but I had been so angry with him because he decided that I couldn't be a part of the mission – which I was assigned to by our superior officer – and he had merely said: We'll talk about it when I get back. I had said so many things that night…things not particularly kind, but the very last words I said to him were: If you walk out that door without me…don't expect me to be here waiting for you to come back."
"Oh, Alice…honey you couldn't have known."
She shrugged half-heartedly, "Maybe. The Commandos had done hundreds of other missions and ones much more dangerous, but that one had been so close to the vest for him and I lashed out like an immature brat. His face when I had said that had looked like someone crumpled a piece of paper, opened it and punched a hole through it…and as awful as I felt I did nothing to take those words back. You don't mean that, Doll, he had said, I know you don't mean that. I never corrected him and I watched him walk away…he never came back and we never got to talk about it…Steve and my relationship deteriorated quickly and we said things that weren't particularly kind to each other, but for me it was another life I had to watch die out and that I was powerless to stop and I was so, so tired of death and of feeling my heart ripped out. I returned to the front lines in an effort to get away from the SSR, Steve and Bucky's memory." She sighed softly. "And now? Pft, now it's a little more difficult than it would be if it was just the fear of my secret being found out. He's alive and on the run and it hurts, god it hurts so much I want to rip my heart out and just leave it…because I don't know if I'll ever get the chance to apologize to him and maybe I don't deserve to…it would be a small price to pay for being so callous and irresponsible with my words that day…"
The woman reached across the table and grasped her hand tightly in her own, "Do you believe in soul mates, Alice?"
"No." She answered – her seriousness taking her friend by surprise, "I don't…I've never been afforded a chance to believe it. Once upon a time, maybe, but no."
"I think you may have to shift your world view to allow that little piece in there," Laura counseled with a smile, "Because soul mates, true love? That's really rare and I know you probably don't know why things are happening the way they are but maybe this is another chance at what you had."
"I wish I could believe that, Laura, I really, really do…" She sighed softly, watching as the other woman's thumb traced circles on the skin of her hand, "But for once I'd love it if the universe could kindly and politely fuck off. My heart can't afford any more…I can tell you right now that if it came to killing him, I wouldn't be able to do it no matter the conditions."
"Well I believe in you two," Laura stated firmly, her groomed brows pinching in her seriousness. "I'd bet anything that you two find each other again and when you do you'll be able to pick back up."
Clint made his presence known as he laid out the dinner for that night and calling his kids to come eat. Alice offered a weak smile to both of them before helping dole out the meal, chewing on the woman's words. If Laura had significant hope for her and Bucky, who was Alice to spit in the face of that belief? Alice offered a wide smile when Cooper and Lila appeared – the two pressing quick kisses to her cheek before settling down and explaining their day loudly and with such enthusiasm Alice couldn't let herself focus on her darker thoughts. They described their time with Ian – the man obviously loving the open affection from the Barton children and enjoying their time and Cooper went on at a great rate about how Dan had let him help feed the horses that evening. Surrounded with this small family, the mutant couldn't help but smile and for the first time in the last week she felt some of the darkness abate.
-0-
Later that night, Alice found herself waking from another nightmare and she gasped for air, her chest heaving – the images scattering to the dark corners of her mind before she could rightfully piece them together. She ran a hand over her clammy skin and sighed softly.
"It was just a dream…just a dream Alice…you're safe, you're home and you're with the Bartons…"
Finding herself suddenly fidgety she began untangling herself from her sheets and glancing at her cell phone which proudly showed the time to be 3:07AM and she sighed once again. She assumed her nightmare hadn't been a vocal one as her doorway remained empty and took a moment to thank whatever deity was apparently looking out for her because she didn't know if she could voice her nightmare if she had been asked. Pushing herself to stand she grabbed a large flannel from her papasan chair that had been stuffed in the corner of the room and pulled it over her oversized and faded band tee, the ends of the flannel falling around her bare thighs past her pajama shorts. Wiping her hand down her clammy face once more she ran her fingers through her sweat-soaked hair and tugged it up into a knot at the top of her head before padding out of her room, barely noticing Rumsfeld trailing after her until she heard his paws carrying his weight down the stairs behind her.
"You coming downstairs with me, Bubba?"
The dog seemed to snort as an answer and she smiled softly, patting his head and giving him an extra scratch behind his ear when he stopped next to her.
"Well c'mon then."
She knew she would be unable to go back to sleep and had made her way to her basement lab in an effort to work on generating leads on Bucky – information Sam had sent to her earlier that day and that she hadn't had the heart to look at. He had warned her that – from what he was able to translate so far – it wasn't easy reading. Alice had known that anything regarding HYDRA experimentation wouldn't be pleasant and steeled her nerves as her dog curled around the bottom of her stool, sighing as he settled his weight.
She pulled up the e-file and began an algorithm that would translate the notes and she watched as the Cyrillic alphabet morphed into the Roman alphabet; she tugged her flannel higher onto her shoulder and began scanning through the information. Normally the mutant found standing while she worked to be more comfortable as it would keep her legs from cramping, but she was too exhausted from scattered sleep over the last week to focus on holding herself up and so the stool became a necessary accessory in her small lab. Images accompanied most of the early file in a show of how Zola had documented Bucky's healing process during and post-surgeries – plural she noted with a grimace – as well as notes that had been taken while he had been POW. A frown quickly tugged her lips south as she continued reading. Despite the warning from Sam that it wasn't light reading, she couldn't stop her horror from surfacing as she read about the process of injecting him with small doses of serum and using the machine nearly simultaneously in an effort to wipe his memories and the further she read the more that horror seemed to seize her chest.
He had fought for twenty years before they had been successful.
Alice leaned on her work bench, her chest heaving as she realized how much time he had endured through systematic torture and steady brainwashing before they had successfully changed him from James "Bucky" Barnes into their Winter Soldier. Anger for him clawed for dominance against her horror and grief and she scowled. She compiled the data about his experimentation, his alterations with the super-soldier serum that could have only been developed after Doctor Abraham Erskine's own serum, but there were alterations to the serum that had been routinely given to Bucky. She frowned as she pulled the serum's formula from the document and pushed it to another screen and formulating another algorithm to break down the compounds and components. She wanted to know exactly what the serum had done to him and more importantly how they had managed to get the serum when Steve had told her that traces of the original serum had been destroyed.
While her computer ran traces of the elements she turned her attention back to the file and deciding, despite the late hour, to call Sam. The line rang loudly in the silence of her small lab when she put the phone on speaker and after a few moments in which she was sure the man's voicemail would have picked up a groggy voice answered her with a less than humored snort.
"Do you realize what time it is, Pidge?"
"I'm sorry," She murmured genuinely, "but I couldn't wait until morning."
"It's alright," Sam's voice slurred with sleep, "what's going on?"
"I was looking through the file," Alice sighed softly, her brows pinching slightly, "Sam…"
"I told you it was heavy shit."
She nodded, knowing he couldn't see it, "Yeah…does Steve know about the alternative serum?"
"Serum?" Clearly not, she thought incredulously, "Alice I'm still having a hard enough time even translating that file…how did you get that far?"
"I ran a translation algorithm."
Sam sighed deeply – clearly awake now despite the sleep weighted in his voice, "Why didn't I think about that?"
"You could've used google, you know." Alice joked awkwardly and earning a few curses for the attempt from the man on the other end of the phone. "Anyway, I haven't gotten much farther than the early stages of him being held by HYDRA and the process of his experimentation."
"You don't have to sound so clinical about it, Al…I know what this is doing to you." Sam sighed softly, his tone kind. "You said something about a serum he was given?"
"I'll send you the translated file…hang on." She quickly uploaded it into a secured attachment and sent the translated file back to the former Pararescuer. "You should have it now."
"I got it…" He said after a few moments and she briefly heard the sound of a coffee pot working in the background and she felt bad for waking him up. "What page did you find the information?"
"It's on the back of page 23 on the margins of one of his diagrams…it's the one for human anatomy that I can only assume was meant to document the changes in Bucky as he progressed through the sessions…I can't really tell if it's meant to show pre-op or post-op, but the information around it is a pretty helpful indicator that they were using him for experiments." She rambled, her eyes finding the image she was speaking of and frowning softly. "Steve had said that Erskine explained to him that he had used the serum one other time and that was on the Red Skull…I can only assume – and it is an assumption at best right now until I can prove otherwise – Zola used the Red Skull's blood to modify a new serum and he compounded the original fall outs to create a new hybrid serum to improve it, if not refine it completely."
"What do you mean?"
Alice nearly blanched as Steve's voice came through the receiver and she wasn't sure if Sam had woken him up or if he had already been up when she called. Regardless she frowned and began to explain, "I took the chemical compound and basic diagram of the serum Zola lists in the notes and have it running on a separate program. Granted any information regarding Erskine's serum has been destroyed…"
"They took my blood to try and recreate the serum," Steve sighed and she could tell he hadn't been sleeping perhaps near as much as she managed. "Maybe they got their hands on it."
"It's possible…I mean, I can try to run traces to see if anything ever came of it, though I assume that those samples have been destroyed."
"How do you figure?"
"Because if they had continued the research into the super-soldier program and that research bore any fruits of success, I doubt S.H.I.E.L.D or the government would have merely stopped at you," She explained. After a tense moment of silence she sighed softly, "I assume that was Peggy Carter's doing…she was the closest to the program and perhaps thought that the world didn't need another super-soldier, but I promise I'll look into it for you."
Steve's voice sighed, "Please…"
"Of course," Alice returned with a small smile that she hoped conveyed through the receiver. She then ran a hand over her face and returned to the topic at hand. "Despite that…since there's no documentation of another serum being created after you, Steve, and since Erskine's research had been scratched I don't have anything to compare this other potential serum to. If my assumption is correct and Zola did use Schmidt's blood as a rough outline to attempt a recreation or hybrid, I'd have to try and find a sample of the Red Skull's DNA to compare the markers. If it's consistent with the original serum given to Schmidt by Erskine then I can try to rough out the differences and find out exactly how they altered Bucky."
"So…Buck is like me?"
"Hypothetically, yes, in a way," Alice sighed softly, "it would definitely explain how he was able to nearly overpower you…According to what I can make up of Zola's experiments he had to break the injections he had been administering into phases to ensure Bucky's physiology integrating successfully."
"Meaning that he would have died if he was given it all at once."
"Right," She nodded. "It appears as if Zola was literally using trial and error in order to turn Buck into the weapon HYDRA needed and who better than someone who was at peak health? I managed to also uncover that Zola had apparently managed to get a hold of his military evaluations…how I'm not sure, but it had to have been after you went into the ice, Steve…" Silence echoed over the line and Alice couldn't help but frown, "Steve?"
"Operation Paperclip," He finally sighed. "Natasha mentioned it when we discovered the underground bunker in New Jersey…Zola probably stole the file while under S.H.I.E.L.D's employ during their early development and before anyone like Howard, Peggy or Phillips could catch on."
"That sounds plausible," Alice murmured as she bit her lip.
"Would my blood help you run your algorithm?" The patriot asked after a pregnant pause and the mutant sighed deeply.
"I dunno…maybe? I wouldn't ask you for that though…not unless I've exhausted all other avenues."
"I don't mind, Alice…I want to know what they did too."
The mutant ran a hand over her face, "I know…"
It was hard for her to simply forgive the patriot and she knew it was immature and highly unnecessary, but she couldn't help but feel the need to distance herself. Steve seemed to take her distance with about as much grace as could be expected and it was oddly reminiscent of when Bucky had died during the mission in Switzerland all over again. She and the patriot's friendship had suffered then as well because they didn't have Bucky to mediate the raw feelings between them as he had for the year and a half before his death. Hurt slithered through her chest once again and found home in her heart and she tried so hard to not let it take root.
"Have you found anything else?"
She pushed her thoughts away once more and sighed softly, "No. I…haven't been putting as much effort into reading further just yet."
"How're you holding up?"
She snorted, "As well as can be expected…trying to get myself back into working order…trying to sleep for more than a few hours at a time…the usual."
There was a lot she wasn't willing to say and she knew Sam had only asked not to necessarily satiate his own curiosity but Steve's. She hadn't really spoken to the patriot, her correspondence done with him via text in an effort to hide how she was truly doing. She spoke to Sam a little more frequently as they worked through potential leads, but since he had been having trouble reading the file he hadn't gotten far at all and her reluctance to sit down and dedicate a lot of time to it hadn't helped either. She and Sam had spoken briefly about her mental health and he encouraged her to take it seriously, his psychology degree taking over intermittently whenever they spoke.
"Glad to hear it, Pidge…just take your time okay?"
"We won't move until you're ready."
As much as she appreciated the thought she knew it wasn't at all realistic, "We both know that if we wait for me we'll be waiting a long time, Steve. I'll help as much as I can in the meantime, but I need time."
"Alice…please let me know if I can help."
"I will…right now I need to work through it myself." She purposely left out that Clint was helping her get back into working order, but knew that if she mentioned it the patriot would be in the next car and on his way. He was too selfless at times and she knew he was hurting too. "Steve just…promise me – no matter what happens we don't repeat what happened in 1945."
"Can't get much worse than we already are," He chuckled without humor, "But I promise…no matter what happens we do this together this time."
The vice that had been holding Alice's heart seemed to loosen slightly and she allowed a small smile to twitch at her lips, "Sounds good…in the meantime I'll try and work my way through the data-dump in order to recover HYDRA's files…if we can get ahead of them by taking out their hideaways then maybe we can finish them once and for all. I know Fury is also doing ground work, but I don't want to leave it all to him."
"Agreed," Sam seemed to smile through the phone, at ease for the first time during the conversation. "Now, I'm going back to bed. Get yourself some sleep too alright, Pidge?"
"I'll do my best." She nodded before glancing down at her phone. "I'll talk to you both soon."
"And Alice..." She blinked at the deep sadness in her friend's voice, her brows pinching together in concern. "I'm sorry…for what I said at the hospital. I was just so scared that –"
"I was moving on without either of you?"
"Yeah…I didn't mean to come off like that."
She smiled softly, the remainder of the vice holding her heart easing, "I'm sorry too…I shouldn't have let my temper take everything out of context. We still got a lot of work to do and we just promised each other that we're not repeating history and we both know how much I hate making some of these jokes."
Steve laughed, relief coloring his voice, "I'll keep it in mind."
"I'm with you until the end of the line, right? That's what you guys always said…" She bit her lip as she wondered if she had overstepped her shaky apology and sighed in relief when Steve's voice laughed once again, his tone soft.
"Yeah…until the end of the line."
"I love you…you know that right?"
She didn't know what had created the impulse to say that, but in that moment she needed Steve Rogers – her best friend – to know that no matter how much they disagreed or if they ever fought it wouldn't be something that she would ever purposely try to draw out again. She did love him and with so many things changing for them and so quickly she felt like he needed to understand that she was scared – no terrified, but that she would do whatever it took for them to be happy.
"I love you too, Allie…just take care of yourself and let me know if there's anything I can do." Steve seemed to smile, "If we're in this together…then we need to be better about relying on each other."
She smiled, "I promise."
"I promise, too."
"As cute as I think your sibling relationship is, can I have my phone back so I can get sleep? You're gonna run me ragged in the morning and I'd like to have some kind of upper hand on you, Cap."
The two Avengers laughed at the former Pararescuer before Alice smiled into the phone, "I'll talk to you guys soon."
"I'll talk to you tomorrow…our usual time, Alley Cat."
"Bye Pidge."
The remainder of the conversation was cut off when Sam seemed to take his phone back and as the call option fell away she looked down at the locked screen that seemed to proudly show a picture of her and Steve in her Boston apartment with a puzzle in front of them from two years ago when he had briefly come to live with her. It had been a few days after she had told him the rest of her history and with insistence from Alice they had decided to start taking pictures to document their time together – something the patriot had seemed hesitant to do as he had barely had two pennies to rub together in his youth and didn't understand the portability of phone cameras. She smiled down at the image until the screen turned black before she looked up at the data still processing on the monitor in front of her, her eyes tracing the compounds used to create the serum that Bucky carried and she frowned. She remembered that day in the bank vividly, the man she loved sitting on that chair, surrounded by the Strike team and being forced to comply – despite knowing he could have easily taken them out – but most of all he had been remembering.
She recalled his face and an emotion she had mistaken initially as resignation hadn't been at all. No, it had been defiance. Bucky Barnes had steadily been battling his way to the forefront of his own mind and pushing the Winter Soldier back – twenty years of fighting so hard against what HYDRA had done to him was surging forth and had nearly broken through.
There had been something there.
Alice moved the images in front of her to the next monitor and dismissing them slightly as she dove into the inter-web. She pulled up theory about brainwashing and psychology reports about prisoners of war, her eyes scanning the information faster than she thought she could and she realized something. If he had been truly remembering her and Steve, then the amount of pain he had to have been in must have been extraordinary and her heart clenched tightly in her chest. She pulled his face back to her memory, despite the pain it caused and forced herself to reexamine that entire event clinically. If he truly had been remembering then he had to have been overwhelmed and not known how to deal with the wide influx of information being presented to him by his own mind. He had known that it was going to be taken away from him and Alice could only wonder how many times this had happened to him before. How many times had he begun to remember before having it violently snatched away from him when it was barely within reach?
During her struggle she hadn't noticed it at the time but he had been afraid, his body reacting before the machine even wiped his memories: chest heaving – hyperventilating, her mind supplied helpfully – and he had known Pierce was lying even without her interjected pleas for him to believe her and to listen to her. His gaze, just before that machine had fallen into place over his handsome features, had said he needed to hold on to the memory – that it was important.
Hope surged in her chest as she thought this over.
She hadn't been with Steve on the helicarrier when he had been fighting Bucky, but if his story was anything to go by and Bucky had been repeating that Steve was merely his mission – it was completely possible that he had been waging war within his own mind with the things HYDRA pumped into him and the man that she loved fighting for dominance. The patriot hadn't told her what he had said, but he had inferred that it had been an old phrase that the two of them had had since they had been kids: I'm with you 'till the end of the line. She and Steve had said it to each other no longer than ten minutes ago and she viscerally knew that that phrase had been the final crack in whatever hold HYDRA had on him and had given Bucky the edge to come to the forefront. Steve had made him doubt and it had been enough for him to regain himself and his programming to fall like a house of cards. It was almost as if HYDRA had forgotten that there was a person inside their beautifully carved weapon and Alice allowed a humorless smile to twitch at her lips as she decided that she couldn't wait for him to remind them exactly of what they had failed to make him – the thought while cruel was familiar to her. She had been in a place similar, but depending on the decision he would make she knew that if he didn't take out those responsible, she would.
If it meant him being able to come back – if it meant him being safe, Alice was willing to risk whatever she had to. She was not shy to death and these people deserved more than the finality that death would grant them, but she would wait and watch – wait and see what Bucky decided. And if he decided to merely expose them – then she would take the olive branch and make sure that those people wouldn't live long enough to hurt another soul.
Alice felt her chest heaving as if she wasn't getting enough air and she allowed herself a few moments to fully collect herself before she looked up at the images that had been in his file, tracing the slopes of a face she had once taken for granted, a smile she would be lucky to see again and the gun-metal blue eyes that would have promised her the very stars in the night sky had she ever asked it of him. She had failed once; she didn't plan to fail a second time. She would find out exactly what they did to him and she would do her absolute best to help him in any way she could.
She wouldn't be helpless this time.
End Note: Well...this chapter was long and there was a LOT covered. We got to see angsty-Alice, Clint/Laura fluff (I absolutely adore them y'all and I'm not sorry about that!) and some more background on Alice and Bucky's history! This chapter was a challenge and pleasure to write! The part with Bucky's file was mostly of my own making. I spent WEEKS doing research to see if I could find out what exactly the file said, but couldn't find anything really concrete so I hope you don't mind that I let my imagination run wild ;)
There's a LOT revealed about Alice in this chapter especially about her fears and what she really, really wants...and honestly, I'm so excited to show you what's coming!
As always, if you haven't already, please make sure you check out simmerandcry's lovely Steve/Bucky/OC story entitled Show Me, Don't Tell Me! It's an absolute, drool-worthy story centered Post-Snap and it's incredible! If you're looking for a fun ride, it's definitely the story for you!
Also, I know I've mentioned this in the note but seriously thank you to everyone who has checked out, read, reviewed, favorited and followed this story! I genuinely appreciate each and every bit of recognition this story gets especially since it's helped me through a lot of huge life changes recently while helping me escape my mental dungeon full of health problems for a while! You all are literally the best and I couldn't ask for more awesome a fandom to write for!
Next chapter: Bucky walks and tries to remember and pick up the shambles that is his mind; flashbacks and more flashbacks!
Thank you all for reading and I'll see you next chapter~ Stay cool!
Eirlys xoxo