She ran as fast as she could for just having had major surgery and carrying a carseat with her.
"What happened?" She yelled, not caring who heard.
"Mer, Mer," Cristina said, stopping Meredith. She could see the blonde's eyes unfocused as they darted around.
"What happened?" Meredith cried again. She sat the car seat down next to her.
"The infection took over his body," Miranda whispered. "His heart, just couldn't handle it. I'm so sorry, Meredith."
"No, no, no this can not be happening." Meredith backed up until she hit the wall behind her before sliding down, wrapping her arms around her legs. "We have a baby! He needs his father and I need Derek. I can't do this alone," she whispered as she started sobbing.
Brady started crying from the car seat. Meredith started to get up, only to be stopped by Miranda.
"Meredith, I got him."
"No, Bailey, I'll get him. I just..need to. I need my son right now." Slowly she got up, heading over to the car seat and undoing the straps as her son cried.
"Brady, mommy's here. I've got you, baby," she whispered as she placed the baby against her chest. She stood there in the middle of the hallway rocking her son back to sleep as she pressed her nose against the side of his head. No one knew what to say.
"I need too see him," Meredith choked out, turning to face the group of people. Miranda nodded her head, walking past her to open the hospital room door.
"Mer, give me the baby," Miranda whispered.
"Bailey, I-" Meredith started to protest but Bailey cut her off.
"Trust me, Meredith, you do not want to be holding him when you first go in there. I will follow you with him, okay?" Bailey said, looking into Meredith's sad, heartbroken eyes.
Meredith realized maybe Bailey was right, she didn't know what to expect. She handed Brady over and drew in a deep breath before walking into the room.
The air had a heaviness to it, one she couldn't explain. One that made her feel like she was suffocating.
"Derek..." She whispered walking up to the bed. "Why? Why would you leave us? You should be here, with my...with your son. He's gonna grow up without a father. She paused, trying not to break down again. "I don't know if I can do this without you."
She turned around, reaching to take Brady into her arms before Miranda left the room.
"I can only pray I don't mess him up, Derek. I just hope wherever you are...you're happy and watching over us."
She stayed for a few more minutes, until she had to sign paperwork. She quickly signed and decided to head home. Her head was pounding and all she wanted was the comfort of her own home.
Arriving home, she didn't want to think about anything. Her mind was a scattered mess and she just wanted to shut it off for a while. She took a seat in the rocking chair, cradling her son against her as he nursed.
She couldn't help but stare, watching as the baby nursed. The only sounds that could be heard was the quiet suckling noises Brady was making. She wanted this to be a nightmare she would wake up from. She wanted to be curled up in bed nursing their son as Derek watched.
"It's just you and I, Brady." She whispered.
She wasn't sure how she would survive or even that she wanted to but she had to, for their son.
The universe was truly screwed up, at least it was in her mind. For years they had tried to have a baby and then she kept losing them. Now, she had her perfectly healthy son who didn't have his father. What was right about that?
Her mind ran through everything he would be missing. Their son's first steps, his first word. The both of them walking him to his first day of preschool. Him marrying the love of his life and eventually having babies of his own.
Brady would never know his father, just the stories she would tell him when he was much older. But she made a vow that he would always know how much his daddy loved him.