The remainder of the afternoon passed quietly by, with Jade content to sit in silence inadvertently forcing Beck to log on and start some of the schoolwork he'd been set. He passed comment a few times on various assignments, but Jade didn't really seem to want to engage and Beck didn't push her. Between her father's early visit and the psychiatrist, he wasn't surprised Jade wasn't in the mood for any more interaction. He was almost certain that she had completely checked out a few times throughout the afternoon, but it wasn't constant. He'd spent practically the whole afternoon with one eye on his Pearbook and the other on Jade's face, trying to glean any indication of where her mind was, of whether she back in that place where no one seemed to be able to reach her. Unfortunately, beyond when she was irritated, Jade's expressions had never given much away and that was only exacerbated now.
Still, he was somewhat comforted with the fact she seemed like she had made a slightly better effort in eating some of the lunch that was served; it hadn't looked nearly as bad as the previous night's dinner. Beck had come up with a new plan to try and entice Jade to eat, and had spent the whole afternoon snacking intermittently, ensuring there was always something available. He hadn't yet had any success but, Beck was in it for the long haul, still concerned with how thin Jade looked now she was in her own clothes. Now he was trying to pretend he was interested in solving the quadratic formulas that their maths teacher had set him as an interim assignment. Beck wasn't bad at maths, but he didn't care for it, and the work was proving just too difficult for him at that moment. Jade had much more of a brain for maths than he did, there was something about it that just clicked for her, not that she had much of an interest in it either.
With a sigh he shut the lid of his Pearbook and stuffed it into his bag. His stomach took that moment to grumble loudly, as though it was reminding him that spending the afternoon snacking was no substitute for missing lunch and dinner.
"I was thinking I'll run back to the RV when you have your dinner and get some other stuff"
To his immense surprise, Jade turned her head almost immediately.
"Didn't you go this morning?"
Beck shook his head in response,
"Didn't even occur to me for some reason"
"Oh"
"Is that okay?" Beck prodded, unsure what to make of her reaction.
"It's fine, you don't have to ask my permission before you do anything" her tone was instantly snarly.
"I know" Beck tried to placate her, thrown off by the sudden U-turn in attitude "I know I don't have to, but I want to"
"Well don't".
Beck swallowed his reply, not wanting to be drawn into an argument.
"Do you still want me to come back this evening?" Beck swallowed, hoping her agitation was general and not directed solely at him. Jade paused a moment.
"I don't want to inconvenience your day any further" the bitterness practically seeped out of her words filling the room and Beck felt a weight appear in his stomach.
"Don't be like that"
"Like what?"
"I'm not going to fight with you" he stated plainly, recognising Jade's attitude all too well. The motivation may be different now, but he knew when she was looking for an argument and Beck wasn't playing.
Shuffling in the corridor signalling the evening meal was making its way around, simultaneously drowning out Jade's angry, albeit under her breath, growl. Beck rose out of the chair and gathered his stuff, aware that despite her anger Jade was watching him out of the corner of her eye.
"I'll see you in a couple of hours" Jade barely inclined her head in acknowledgement, but Beck brushed it off. He probably should have been more concerned about how she was blowing hot and cold but, given the nature of the day she'd just had, it was easier to just accept it.
Jade sat alone picking at the rather uninspiring selection of food on the tray in front of her. She still wasn't really bothered by food in general, having only really made an effort with lunch as she knew Beck was watching her. He'd snacked practically all afternoon and at times the smell of the sweetness had almost made her want to vomit, but she didn't say anything. In truth, she was struggling to recall the entire afternoon; it was like she had blank spaces in her mind and some if had just passed in a blur. Sometimes she could have sworn that she wasn't asleep, but it was like she had no connection to the room at those times either. She'd been trying to sort through things in her head, trying to think of the accident and her mother after Dr Williamson had forced them to the forefront of her mind earlier that morning. She tried to think about Beck, about whether she was too dependent on him, was she really that pathetic? But it was like every time the thoughts were within her grasp, they slipped through her fingers and before she knew it, the hands on the clock had changed again.
She felt a stab of guilt as she recalled how she'd lashed out at Beck before he left.
'He didn't deserve that' she thought 'He doesn't deserve any of this'.
Jade wondered how as she'd managed to wreck her life, she'd also managed to drag her ex-boyfriend down with her. That was the one thing Jade had managed to establish in her more lucid moments, despite what Beck had said, she'd had a hand in this destruction. It had gone on for so long and she'd done nothing but avoid and aggravate the situation with her mother, with her father, with all of it. Beck had broken up with her to get away from drama and now she'd just pulled him straight back in. She knew the right thing to do would be to let him go, to tell him to leave and she knew he would. Nevertheless, no matter how relentlessly her mind berated her for it, called her out on her selfishness, Jade couldn't bring herself to do it. Beck was the one thing she felt she could depend on, which both comforted and angered her in equal measure. Hadn't she learnt that depending on anyone but herself was a dangerous game?
When Emma came in to help Jade get ready for the bed she found her patient both silent and angry. After her previous attempts to help Jade open up had turned sour, Emma kept her distance but decided to try something different.
"Right, how do you feel about walking to the bathroom?"
Jade looked at her, as if not quite understanding.
"You should be fine to move, and you must be getting sick of washes in bed?".
For all her apathy, Jade felt something move inside her at the thought of moving from the bed and maybe even having a shower. She nodded and Emma bit back her smile at the small victory.
"We'll have to go slow, your muscles haven't been used properly in a few days" She carefully helped Jade manoeuvre herself to the edge of the bed, getting her feet secure in a pair of hospital-brand flip flops.
Despite Emma's warning, the weakness in her legs caught Jade off-guard and she nearly fell straight back onto the bed. She felt her anger simmering away at the surface, finally at risk of boiling over after Beck had refused to argue with her earlier.
"Come on" Emma was relentless, having caught her under her good arm. She laced her other arm around Jade's back, ignoring the automatic tension in Jade's muscles at the action.
Every step felt like the last of a marathon, her muscles felt like she hadn't used them in a year let alone a few days and a persistent light-headedness kept threatening to overwhelm her. They didn't even manage to make it to the door before Jade stumbled. Usually Emma would have placed her patient into a wheelchair, but her intuition told her that was not an option Jade would even consider.
"Normally I'd say don't push yourself" Emma said wryly "But you're angry, so use it"
Jade glared at her, although the pounding in her head gave her such a squint it didn't have the usual threatening power.
Between the two of them, it took about 10 minutes to get Jade out of the room and 10 meters down the corridor to the patient shower room. Before Jade had always laughed at the foldable shower seats, making jokes about the elderly, but as she collapsed onto the hard plastic, she had a whole new appreciation for the safety equipment. As she caught her breath, Emma busied herself gathering bits and pieces together before helping Jade out of her sling and her shirt.
"I'll wait outside of you're happy to do the rest?" Emma knew how easy it was to lose all dignity in a hospital.
"Knock when you're ready to start showering".
All of a sudden, Jade was alone. She carefully raised herself out of the chair on still shaky legs, using her good hand to push down the elasticated waistband of her pants. It took a little bit of wiggling, but she managed to push them free, feeling a small tug of satisfaction as she kicked the last leg off. It was only after she'd disposed of her underwear in the same way and tried to pull the flimsy curtain across, that she realised her clothes were still in the firing line for the water.
Gritting her teeth at as pain laced across her shoulder, she bent down to pick them up before shuffling them across the room to join where the nurse had left her shirt on a peg. It was only as she turned that she saw it. A pale girl with dark circles rimming her eyes and hair hanging limp down her face looking at her. It took Jade almost half a minute to realise the girl she was looking at was her reflection in the small mirror on the adjacent wall. Jade stared, trying to take in the reflection who was all but a stranger to her now.
Without even realising, she shuffled closer to the mirror until she was so close her breathe cause a small mist on the reflective surface. She couldn't believe how different she looked; it was as though all her features were wrong. She was there but she wasn't. Her eyes were pale, having taken on an almost glassy quality, rimmed by dark circles that had nothing to do with her unusually absent eye liner. Her cheekbones seemed almost too prominent against her pallid skin and her hair hung lifeless and dull. She could see clearly where the glass tumbler had sliced open her head, as the surrounding hair was greasy and clinging together. The site of where they had drilled into her head was less conspicuous, only given away by the difference in thickness of her hair and the way it fell there.
Jade swallowed, hardly daring to breathe in the hope that the reflection wasn't real, hoping that it wouldn't move with her, only to be disappointed. It was just another thing in her life that had slipped beyond her control.
"Jade, you okay in there?" Emma's voice was tinged with concern.
"Yeah" Jade continued to stare at her reflection for another moment, wondering how she could tell Emma she was okay, when she felt like the furthest thing from it. With what felt like a colossal effort, she pulled herself away from the mirror and back to the shower area, pulling the flimsy curtain and turning the water on. She heard Emma re-enter the room and clear her throat.
"I'll stay here until you're done, unless you want to wash your hair"
"You don't have to stay" The words were out of Jade's mouth before she processed it, something that had been happening a lot recently.
"Nice try but you barely made it in here without passing out" Emma's forthright response surprised Jade but she found herself oddly appreciative of it.
Letting her good arm test the water before stepping under. As she stepped under the spray Jade felt a strange feeling come over her as the warm water ran down her body. The water was soothing in a way she couldn't identify, just allowing it to wash over her she found a few tears leaking out of her eyes, only to be washed away. Jade carefully lifted her good arm up to swipe at them, confused to find no more were coming. She turned her face further into the spray, simply allowing the feeling to fill her up before she began to clumsily wash her body. She was lucky enough to forgo the generic hospital toiletries in favour of those that Beck had brought with him. The familiar smell of her vanilla flavoured body wash prompted another wave of emotion for Jade, the familiarity again making her feel oddly soothed. She eyed up the shampoo, unwilling to ask for Emma's help despite her rapidly tiring body. She manoeuvred herself into the chair and twisted so the spray was aimed at the wall, allowing her to awkwardly spread shampoo onto her roots. All the time she was aware that her broken shoulder was becoming more uncomfortable, but Jade felt a new determination; If she managed nothing else, she would do this.
It took over twenty minutes but finally Jade was satisfied she was clean. Emma had stayed silently on the other side of the curtain, tracking her movements in the shadow on the curtain to be sure she didn't need to intervene. She was impressed at the grit and determination in her patient, even if she was a challenge to nurse at times. Emma readied a towel as the water turned off.
"You might want to get your boyfriend to bring a better towel, these hospital ones aren't all that" she commented casually, helping Jade secure the towel around her. Emma was quick to step back and let Jade take the lead.
"I've got your clean clothes, your boyfriend said on the way out he'd bring some more for tomorrow". Truth be told, Emma had cornered him on the way out to ask for Jade, and Beck had warned her then that Jade wasn't in a great place.
Getting Jade dried and dressed was a somewhat slower effort than getting undressed, the whole thing left Jade a type of exhausted she hadn't felt before. In the end, it was easier to just let Emma help rather than trying to do it all herself, it was uncomfortable to be so vulnerable in front of someone, but the tiredness overrode that quite quickly. Emma towelled her hair off gently, being extra mindful of the two wounds, glad that they had held up with the dressings now removed.
As they made the slow journey back to her room, Jade could practically feel herself trying to fall asleep. It was a relief when she settled back into the bed, tucking herself under the thin covers almost immediately. Emma moved her puffy jacket within her reach and shook her head as she watched Jade's eyelids droop.
"Someone will be here in a bit for your evening medication"
"No sleeping pills" Jade murmured, still fighting to stay awake.
"Not if you don't want them, besides today I think you're tired enough"
"I don't know why though" Jade's response was more to herself, but Emma made a noise of understanding,
"It all comes back to trauma, your body has gone through extreme stress and all your energy is being directed to recovery. Add to that the fact that you're eating very little and haven't been out of the bed since Friday" Emma paused as Jade looked up at her properly, seemingly understanding what she was saying.
"It's going to take time Jade, that's why you need to take it easy, focus on small steps".
Jade gave a small nod and Emma excused herself.
Alone again, Jade couldn't help but let her mind wander back to the bathroom, to the girl in the mirror. Her reflection looked like the epitome of everything she despised, weak and pathetic. She didn't want to be that girl; she hated that girl, was it really who she had become?
When the nurse came in with her final pills for the day, Jade took them without complaint, somewhat eager to dull the pain in her shoulder. Before she knew it, Jade found herself drifting off to sleep, taking some comfort in the clean feeling that resided after her shower.
When Beck returned to the hospital a little after eight, the last thing he expected to see was Jade fast asleep in her bed. He paused for a second, taking in the sight with a somewhat bemused expression, before continuing with slightly more caution than before. He surmised she had showered from the dampness of her hair, but he was surprised she wasn't wrapped in her jacket as she always complained wet hair made her cold. He quietly made the chair up for the night and switched the main lights off, swapping to the overbed lamp as he pulled out his Pearbook to continue with his schoolwork.
It was several hours later that Beck became aware that something wasn't right. The first thing he realised was that someone had turned the lights out, he scrambled for the switch before realising the lights weren't out, but rather his eyes were shut. Like a bolt of electricity had shot through him, his eyes snapped open and his body tensed. He moved suddenly to stop his Pearbook from hitting the floor as his movement jolted it from its precarious position on his lap. Sliding it onto the floor, Beck shook his head trying to work out what was going on, still disorientated as his eyes blinked to accommodate the light from the lamp. He hadn't realised he'd fallen asleep, apparently in the middle of his schoolwork, but now he didn't know why he was awake either. He ran a hand through his hair before the next piece of the puzzle slot into place with a movement to his left.
Jade was tossing in her sleep, her legs tangled up in the sheet. Beck frowned. He had seen her do this the previous night, but not quite to this extent. He studied her for a second, hoping that she would settle before he heard it, a barely there whimper, accompanied hardly a second later with another frantic movement.
"Jade" he tried to call quietly, not wanting to jerk her from her sleep "Jade".
It wasn't enough to break through her sleep, as her stilted movements continued with a second whimper, this one slightly louder than the first. Despite everything Beck had observed and experienced with his ex-girlfriend in the past few days, there was still something deeply unsettling about hearing her make such a pitiful noise.
"Jade" he tried again, now louder as he rose from the chair waiting a beat before he put his hand over her good arm and shook.
"Jade?"
Jade frantically tried to yank her arm from his grasp, yelping in pain as she tried to move her other hand, still bound by the sling. The pain was enough to jerk her from her sleep, sitting bolt upright breathing heavily as the pain overwhelmed her.
"Shit, shit, shit" She ground out, eyes squeezed tightly shut as the light-headedness flooded her. Beck felt both guilt at her pain but relief that she was now awake. He rubbed slow circles on her back, trying to provide some comfort. Slowly, her breathing evened out and some of the tension started to leave her body.
"You good? Do you want me to call the nurse?" Beck asked, although he had a feeling that he already knew the answer.
"It's fine" Jade breathed, gingerly moving her good shoulder "What time is it?"
"A little after three" Beck watched her carefully, wanting to be satisfied that she really was okay.
"What happened?"
"I'm not sure, you looked like you were having a bad dream".
Jade frowned at this, unable to remember even falling asleep let alone whether or not she had been dreaming.
"I don't remember anything" She tried to dismiss it, but Beck didn't want to let it go so easily.
"You were twitching and tossing" he gestured to the tangled sheets around her legs "And you also started, well, whimpering".
Jade felt her face flush with embarrassment. Jade West did not whimper. At least, she never used to. Beck could practically hear her internal beratement for something beyond her control. He stayed quiet, knowing nothing he could say would really help at this point, and continued his slow circles on her back.
"I don't know how much longer I can do this" Jade admitted quietly "It's only been a few days, but this is unbearable".
Beck tried to take in what she was saying, the words only serving to grow the dread that was so often settling inside of him.
"But Jade, that's the point, it has only been a few days, you can't expect things to suddenly be normal"
Jade understood what he was saying, she really did, but it seemed impossible. When she'd been under the warm spray of the water earlier, just for a moment, things had seemed infinitesimally better, but it hadn't lasted beyond the bathroom. Now it was 3am, she was having nightmares she couldn't remember, which apparently went hand in hand with the large chunks of the day she seemed to be losing.
"I just can't see it changing" she confessed with a worrying finality, her eyes searching out Beck's as though she was begging for him to say everything would be okay with a certainty that she wouldn't be able to ignore.
Beck stayed quiet, his heart slowly breaking yet again for the girl in-front of him. He wanted to offer her promises that things would improve, but the words died in his throat. They would seem cheap and meaningless, as he could promise nothing of the sort.
"Jade, I can't tell that everything is going to be okay" His own admission seemed to make her wilt, her walls sliding back into place. He used his spare hand to hold hers, now holding her gaze intensely,
"But you can only try, and I promise I'll be here for you every step of the way".
A flicker of emotion danced across Jade's eyes, unidentified by Beck, before she looked down at their hands. The guilt from earlier was tying her stomach in knots at the thought of Beck becoming any more involved in her mess. She swallowed trying to gather herself for what she needed to say.
"Beck, I don't want you to be a part of this"
Beck felt like his stomach had dropped out through the floor, like he'd been punched and dropped into a bucket of ice-cold water all at once.
"What?" It was about all he could manage as the rejection ricocheted through him.
"I just-" Jade struggled for words, grappling with the obvious hurt written across his face "I just think it's best if I do this on my own" She tried to sound firm, but her tone wavered ever so slightly "I don't want to be dependent on you and we're not even friends, Beck". She took her hand out of his.
Her words stung like nothing had before as Beck tried to absorb what she was saying. His eyes narrowed, as he realised, she was using the same argument as before, pretending that their relationship meant nothing anymore. Something wasn't adding up, he liked to think he always knew when Jade was lying. Granted, recent events made him realise he didn't always know when she was holding information back, but he was pretty certain she wasn't being honest with him now.
"Okay, I'll go but, only if you tell me what this is really about"
"I just did?" Jade was agitated now.
"No, you didn't, or at least not all of it" Beck was nearly glaring at her "I know you, Jade, even if you don't want to admit it and you're telling me what you think will make me leave".
Jade's breathing quickened at Beck's frankness. Deep and meaningful conversations with heavy emotions had never really been their forte, but now she felt like he had ripped the floor out from beneath her.
She stuttered but fell silent, feeling anger flood her at her inability to find the words she needed to let him go.
"Jade, tell me what's really going on and then I'll do whatever you want"
"I don't want you tangled up in my mess" She managed finally, dropping her gaze to her lap. Beck exhaled.
"Jade, this isn't your mess" He was beginning to understand now, the endless cycle of blame in her head. She didn't reply and he practically sat on her bed, trying to catch her attention.
"This is a mess, but you didn't cause it and" he paused, preparing to throw caution to the wind "and I want to be there with you"
"You don't really mean that" Beck snorted at that.
"Can you not let me decide what it is I do and don't mean?"
"Beck, there is nothing about this situation that isn't fucked up" She looked up at him again, searching his eyes for any wavering, any hint of insincerity but found none of it.
"I know" he said simply "But that doesn't change how I feel"
"If you're doing this out of guilt-"
"This has nothing to do with guilt" Beck interrupted her "I mean, yes, I do feel guilt that I never noticed but that isn't why I want to do this" his eyes pleaded with her, desperate for her to believe that he meant every word he said.
"I care about you a lot, more than you'll probably ever know, and even if all we are is good friends, I want to be there for you, as your friend"
Jade felt something in her crack slightly at his words, the voice that was yelling at her to get rid of him was being somewhat stifled by something else. A feeling that she couldn't quite identify.
"I don't care how many times we have to have this conversation" he added "I'm not going to leave you unless you really mean it" Beck's eyes bored into hers.
Jade didn't say anything else, struggling now to keep up with him. His unwavering loyalty was confusing her, but she didn't have it in her to argue any further. The thought of having him there was reassuring, that she couldn't deny and maybe it would be just enough to muffle her guilt. She hoped it would.
Beck interpreted her silence as acceptance and gave her a reassuring smile, looking up at her from under his mop of unruly hair. His felt like his heart would burst when the corners of her mouth quirked up in response.
"So, ready for the rest of The Scissoring?" Beck was determined to move on and quickly dug out the book from the previous evening. Jade didn't say anything but settled back down onto the pillows, shutting her eyes as Beck opened to the marker and began to read.
"Tori, what do you want? It's like 5am" Andre practically groaned into the phone, only really answering in case it was an emergency.
"No need to be so rude" Tori tried not to be offended but, given that she had been up since 4am, she didn't really see what Andre's problem was.
"It's 5am, if you want nice Andre you can ring back at 7" Tori rolled her eyes
"Are you finished complaining, I need your help, it's about Jade"
Suddenly Andre was alert.
"Is something wrong, did Beck call?"
"No, nothing like that" she said hurriedly
"Then what?" Andre was exasperated
"I thought we should do something for her, something to help her feel a bit better"
"She doesn't want us-"
"I know, I know she doesn't want us visiting" Tori cut across him impatiently "But that doesn't mean we can't do something to make her feel better"
"Like what?"
"Well, I've been looking online" Andre groaned at this "about what people need in hospital and I've got a few ideas"
"And you couldn't wait until you saw me at school to tell me?"
"Will you stop whining? Jade is our friend and she needs our support"
Andre paused, suitably chastised.
"So, what were you thinking of?"
Tori smiled in victory as she started to talk Andre through the various hampers she'd found, and which ones Jade would prefer. Jade was tricky to buy for, of that Tori was certain, meaning the traditional self-care products would not really be appreciated. Instead Tori had stumbled across a mix-and-match type service which she thought would be perfect but wanted everyone's input on items. She'd already called Robbie, who had given her much less attitude than Andre had as, like Tori, he hadn't slept as well following the news about Jade. After much discussion, Tori hung up, happy that they had a few more items sorted out.
'Just Cat to call now' Tori thought, as even though she had already seen Jade in person, Tori knew Cat would like to be involved in something like this, possibly even having some better ideas.
"Hiiii" Cat's signature greeting was somewhat sleepy but no less enthusiastic.
"Hey Cat! You got a moment?"
As predicted, Cat was incredibly enthusiastic about the present, offering several ideas although Tori had to gently talk her down from a 10kg sack of Bibble.
"What about a soft and cuddly?"
"Soft and cuddly?"
"You know, like Mr Long Neck?"
"Oh, a cuddly toy? I'm not sure if that's really Jade's thing"
"Well she kept Mr Long Neck" Cat protested "And she doesn't have one of her own"
"Okay, I'll have a look" Tori scrolled down the page, frowned as all the toys were predictably juvenile or designed for newborns.
"I'm not sure Cat, what animal were you thinking of?"
"It could be a giraffe, then he could be friends with Mr Long Neck and Mr Purple".
Tori frowned as the only giraffe was one holding a blanket proclaiming 'It's a boy!'
"They don't have any – wait"
At the very bottom of the page was a small, almost cartoon-like bat. It was black all over apart from green rings in its eyes and green piping on the wings. It reminded Tori of Jade's green streaks, and the devious expression of Jade herself; at least, before all of the drama had started. She thought it was perfect and so did Cat after she'd explained it to her (and suggested it could be a distant cousin for Cat's giraffe family).
Satisfied the had all the items they needed, Tori finished her conversation and placed the order, excited that it would be delivered within the next day or two. She rubbed her eyes, finally feeling the impact of her early start. She had wanted to sleep for longer, but thoughts of Jade's situation had kept bothering her. Tori was very much a fixer and, even if her and Jade weren't particularly close, she wanted to do something to help.
She'd never seen Beck so worried, scratch that, she'd never seen him so emotional and that had stuck with her. She finally felt like she was understanding the depth of their feelings for each other a bit more and what with her mother's apparent drug addiction, even Jade's general demeanour was beginning to make more sense to her. Tori checked her watch only to find that her usual alarm would sound in just twenty minutes. Deciding it was worth an attempt at a power nap, she dove back under the covers of her bed and shut her eyes.
Okay, well I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I know it's a bit shorter than usual but things are just starting to move forward and Jade's starting to turn a corner. A lot is happening in the next chapter, but I hope you liked this one, nonetheless.
Thank you to those who left reviews of the last chapter, they really do help get the next bits written and it's just nice to know people are actually still reading and enjoying it. I hope you're all still staying safe and healthy.