"How is she?"
"Good," I sit down and take a sip of the almost cold tea. "I removed the blanket since she's sweating."
"Oh."
"I was so puzzled when she just came to me and fell asleep on my lap like that."
"I always stay close to her when she's sick. That's why rather than being alone, she wanted to stay close to you when she felt unwell."
A warmth spreads inside my chest, allowing a smile to find its way to my lips.
"I talked to her."
"About what?"
"Our... situation. I told her she can be more free with you. All this time, I had taught her to be a little careful around you. So, I explained to her that she doesn't need to do that and can ask you anything she can ask me. That you love her just like I do. Things like that."
"I think it worked."
"Huh?"
"When she came to me today, I was on my laptop. Before this all started, she stayed away if she saw me with the laptop. I only figured out recently that it was because she associated it with work and didn't want to disturb me. But today, she didn't care."
"She has always loved you and wanted to be with you. But she couldn't because of me, I'm not saying it was a good thing to teach her but I had my reasons. I didn't want her to get hurt."
"I understand. You don't have to feel bad about it."
"Thank you," she smiles a little, "I think that's why she's very happy these days. Because she can do the things she has always wanted to do with you."
I feel a sense of relief. Like calming down. The chaos that had been raging inside me dissipating slowly and things finally starting to fall into place.
We finish the rest of the tea in silence.
"What I understood is, we can glorify love all we want, but it's not a magic spell. It can't feed you, clothe you, provide you with a roof over your head. For that, you need money. It's as simple as that."
"Do you think... Do you think we'd still be together if we had money?"
"I don't know. Maybe we would or maybe there'd be a different issue. I can come up with a thousand 'what if' scenarios, but in the end none of it really happened and it's a waste of time."
I offer her a bitter smile.
"I know I said I'll do it all over again. And I mean it. Sarada means the world to me, I don't think of her as a mistake. Don't get me wrong."
She turns her face to me.
"But what we did was very immature. I have a colleague. He has a disabled son. He needs a shit ton of money just to keep him alive. Just to keep him living and breathing. That boy will never be like other kids. He won't be able to run and jump and talk. They can't dream of sending him to school or about his future. Because they don't know if he even has a future. All they want is for him to live. Just that. Every time I see him, I hear this voice inside my head telling me that I was extremely lucky Sarada was born healthy. If she hadn't, I don't know how I'd have kept her alive, I was struggling to provide her with the bare minimum. I couldn't even afford a larger apartment where she could have a proper room. It was a store room for fuck's sake. That was the best I could give her," I stop talking when I feel my voice starting to choke.
"Hey," Sakura leans close to me and places her hand on my back. "It's okay. She was born healthy. Yes, we're very lucky but she is a healthy child. And you did everything you could. You gave your everything both for her and for me. So, don't blame yourself. Didn't you just say thinking about 'what if's is a waste of time?"
Just how can she?
"Why don't you blame me?"
"For what?"
"For... this whole mess? I divorced you and turned your life into a living hell."
"Technically, you asked me for a divorce and I agreed."
"Just stop it!" The words come out a little aggressive. "Why do you try to make it look like I did nothing wrong? Why don't you hold me responsible? For anything?"
"Because it won't solve a thing," all of a sudden, her demanour changes completely. She looks so determined with this fire in the depths of her green eyes. "Say I blamed you. I decided everything was your fault, and I was just a victim there. Would that have made my situation any better?"
All of a sudden, I find myself unable to come up with a fitting reply.
"It wasn't important whose fault it was. That was like the least important part. What I needed to do was to get my life back in order. And my life is no living hell. Where did you get that idea? I got Sarada from you. There were difficult times, but I made it out of there, didn't I? I didn't want to be bitter. Yes, I married too young and like many had expected, it didn't work. But I didn't want to regret it. And I still don't regret it. I don't regret having loved you or married you when I was only eighteen. I don't regret having Sarada that young. I've only ever regretted having dragged you and Sarada into this mess. Because our lives were tied together."
She sits there, breathing heavily. She still is that same feisty girl I knew, huh?
Then she moves away. Grabbing her bag from the corner of the couch, she pulls out her planner. She returns to my side and starts removing the outer cover. After a while, it comes off and there's something. A postcard?
She moves a little close to me and holds it in front of my eyes.
The photo we had taken back when we got married. Our 'wedding' photo. Me in a light grey T-shirt and dark blue jeans and her in a white sleeveless top and a red skirt. It was the only white outfit she had and she had decided to wear it that day for our marriage. We look so happy in this. So young and carefree.
I don't know how long I stare at the photo, holding my breath. Then, it occurs to me.
"How do you...?"
"I went to the studio and got another copy."
What?!
"Why?"
"Because I wanted to keep it."
"Then why did you leave it behind?"
"I... didn't know how you'd react... How you'd feel seeing I was trying to keep our wedding photo, after turning your life into a mess... I didn't want you to hate me even more..."
It takes me a while to process all that.
"I brought it with me."
"Huh?"
"That photo," I smile. I don't know why because all I can feel right now is pain and emptiness, "And the two coffee mugs you left behind."
Her eyes go wide in surprise.
"The mugs got broken though."
And the broken pieces are still lying there in my cabinet. But I don't mention that to her.
She just stares at me, her big jade eyes bright and shining in the warm light of my living room. Her lips slightly parted. Does she have lip-gloss on? She has changed her hairstyle over the years. Now she has shorter hair that she parts on the side. And a fringe that wraps around the left side of her forehead giving her a very soft look. Before I know it, my fingers have found their way behind her ear, tucking a strand of hair that didn't even need tucking in the first place. I think her breathing gets a little heavier. I don't understand how she looks so innocent and so seductive at the same time. I feel her hand on my cheek, a gentle touch against my skin. I hear myself gasp and then I feel her warm breath on my skin and the next thing I know, her lips are on mine. She kisses me and I kiss her. After so long. So so long. I pull her close and she just comes along, making herself comfortable on my lap. Her hands link around my neck only to move up and latch to my hair a moment later. I close my arms around her, caging her into me. I can feel our racing heartbeats mingle and I just forget about the world and kiss her. It feels like finally finding a fountain after walking through the desert for ages.
"Stay."
I try to keep my voice clam as I watch her getting flustered and pulling at her clothes, trying to get it back to its former uncrumpled state. Standing two feet away from me.
"Eh?" the face she shows me is completely red. I doubt mine is any different. Not after that kiss, the aftereffect of which I can feel in my pants. "No... I... Sarada... My work..."
"I'll take tomorrow off and look after Sarada. So, you don't have to worry about her. It's late. Stay here tonight. You can take the bed. There's lock on my bedroom door. You can... Well..."
"That's- I Don't need a lock... It's you."
It's such a serene feeling, a relief washing over knowing that me being me still makes a difference to her.
She hangs her head. "Do you..." she starts pulling at the sleeve of her lilac coloured dress once again. This time, more forcefully. "Do you..."
Okay. This is making me anxious.
"You don't..." her voice drops to an almost whisper, "Have a girlfriend. Do you?"
Wha-
"You are the only girlfriend I've ever had."
Let there be no room for any further misunderstandings. I have enough on my plate as it is.
She lifts her face instantly. That surprised look is kind of adorable. And it gives me some confidence. So, I get up from the couch, standing tall in front of her. Startling her a little.
"What about you?"
"Uh?"
"Do you have a boyfriend?"
She doesn't say anything but her eyes go wider than I've ever seen them and she shakes her head so vehemently it almost looks comical.
"Ah. Good."
What a relief!
I smile. The familiar cherry flavour of her lip-gloss on my lips.
"I... will need to check Sarada at night."
"I'll do it."
"Huh?"
"You have work tomorrow. Go to bed. I'll keep an eye on her. You've been doing it all this time anyway. This time, let me."
"Oh," she blinks a few times, her long pink eyelashes brushing against her skin, "Where are you going to sleep?"
"I'll be with Sarada. And if I need, I have this couch. It's convertible."
"Uh," she nods slightly.
I gather the two cups from the table and walk towards the kitchen.
Note: The way this was supposed to be a one-shot lmao.
About the piano, the topic will come up again but they're not rich and they have different priorities now. So, it won't be very romantic. The thing is, I'm from a middle class family and I have to carefully plan out where to spend my money. That's why people in my stories are like that too. I prefer to write what I can relate to.
Also, thank you for all the love. For a long time I grew accustomed to believing no-one gave a single shit about me. So just even a 'have a nice day' can cause me a meltdown. Thank you.
I love you all.
June ️❤️
[13.04.2020]