Chapter Quote:
"When we lose someone we love, we must learn not to live without them, but to live with the love they left behind."
~Anonymous

Chapter 22: Passage of Time

Cipher

A military helicopter flew Iris, Hammerhead, and me to a hospital on the Ustio-Belkan border. Thankfully, it rested on the former side. I didn't trust the Belkans not to give her the proper treatment for merely not being one of them. The loss of the war was still too fresh in their minds.

When we arrived, PJ waited for us with a group of staff. The moment PJ saw me, he pulled me into a bone-crushing hug.

"Thank God you're okay, man," he said, stepping away. "We watched everything from down below. You were incredible!"

I looked him up and down, noticing his haggard appearance and sling around his arm. "What happened to you? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Just some scrapes and a fractured shoulder. I landed wrong. I'm fine, though. Let's get you to Janie."

PJ escorted me, Hammerhead, and Iris to a heavily guarded room. The Base Commander was waiting for us, his eyes horrendously bloodshot. Fear engulfed me.

"What's wrong with Janie?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.

"A stray bullet hit her parachute just as she was about to reach the ground. She had a crash landing and hit her head on some rocks and broke her arm too," the Base Commander said, his voice devoid of emotion. I attributed it more to shock than his lack of feelings. The only things he did have feelings for were his daughter and his love for his country. "They're worried about her brain swelling and are going to put her in an induced coma. Against the wishes of the hospital, she wanted to wait until you saw her. Go in and see her."

Wordlessly, I entered Janie's room, a knot forming at the sight of her. She donned a nasal cannula to help her breathe, and her normally bright and cheery face wore a slightly dazed and exhausted expression. However, she lit up at the sight of me.

"Jaser!" Janie exclaimed. She paused and frowned, then said, "I mixed up Jason and Cipher, didn't I?"

"Yeah, but it's okay. From what I've heard, you hit your head pretty damn hard. I think that gives you a pass." I laced her fingers through mine, kissing the back of her hand. "I'm so sorry, Janie. This is my fault."

"How?"

"I should've told PJ to leave after the mission because I knew Pixy was going to show. I never should've put you and PJ in that position."

"It's not your fault, Jason. You're not the reason a bullet tore my parachute. You're not the reason Pixy turned. You just saved the world, and no one knows it was you except for me, and the four people outside this room. You should be celebrating."

"I can't. Not while you're in here."

"Sure, you can. I want you to."

"Tell you what: once you get out of here, we'll celebrate to our heart's content."

Janie smiled. "I guess I can agree to that."

"I do have one question for you. I had hoped to do this on base, but there's no time like the present." I got down on one knee and pulled out the ring. "We haven't been together long, and I don't know how your dad will feel if you say yes to a mercenary dog like me. We're in crazy times right now, and there's a lot of uncertainty, but I know one thing for certain. I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Janie Biggs, will you marry me?"

Tears rolled down Janie's face, but she smiled brilliantly through them. "Yes! A thousand times, yes!"

I slid the ring onto her finger, eyes blurring with my own tears from pure happiness. I kissed her gently and braced my forehead against hers.

"I love you, Jason," she whispered. "You're no mercenary dog, and if my dad ever calls you that again, I give you permission to punch him."

"Don't tempt me. I've thought about it more than once," I said with a chuckle. "And I love you, too, Janie. You have no idea how much."

"I don't want to go under… I'm worried I won't wake up." Janie's body shuddered as silent sobs racked her body.

"Hey, hey, you're going to be fine. We're all going to be here for you when you wake up. I promise, okay?" Janie nodded, gripping my hand tighter. "Do you want me to get the others in here before the doctor comes?"

"Yes, please. But don't you dare leave me until I'm under."

"I wouldn't dream of it."

I slipped away from her briefly, just to tell the others to come in. Hammerhead, Iris, PJ, and Commander Biggs stepped into the room. Janie smiled and raised her left hand, exclaiming weakly but excitedly, "I'm engaged!"

Everyone cheered but her dad. He smiled for her sake, and he congratulated her, but I could tell when he looked at me, he was far from happy.

Too bad.

After some more congratulatory conversations, we called in the doctor. Janie requested I stay in the room with her until she was under, much to her dad's chagrin. Glowering at me, he stepped outside with the others.

I watched as the anesthesiologist injected the sedative into my fiancée. Slowly, Janie's eyes fluttered shut, and her hand fell limp in mine. I swallowed down my fear, praying she wouldn't have to be in this coma for long.

Kissing her on the head, I left the room in a state of shock. The rest of my group waited impatiently for me.

"She's asleep," I said, sinking into a chair. "Everything's stable."

"When were you going to ask me, boy?" Commander Biggs questioned, taking a step towards me. Judging by the anger written on his face, I knew what he was talking about, but I really did not want to get involved in an argument right now. Otherwise, I might take up Janie's offer to punch him.

"My name is not 'boy'-" I stood up- "so if you want an answer, call me by my name."

"All right, Banks, when were you going to ask for my permission to marry her?"

"I wasn't," I said bluntly. "You never would've agreed because you hate me. You always have. All you've ever been able to see me as is a 'mercenary dog,' and you've never considered the fact that I am madly in love with your daughter, and I always have been. She's in love with me too, or else she wouldn't have said yes, head injury or not. So no, I wasn't going to ask for your permission because this was her decision. Had you liked me, I would've. I'm old-fashioned like that. And hell, this isn't the proposal I had in mind for her. Janie deserved something so much more, but life isn't fair, and it's too damn short. God forbid something happens while she's in that coma, and I hadn't asked her? I'd regret it for the rest of my life. So I'm sorry, sir, that I don't live up to your expectations, and I'm sorry you don't approve of my relationship with her, but I don't report to you now." I pulled out my wings and shoved them in his chest. "I quit."

Commander Biggs stared at me, shocked by my outburst. Hell, I was too. But the stress of this war finally caught up to me, and I'd been dying to tell him off since I started dating Janie. All I wanted to do was marry her and see my family.

I was aching to see Elizabeth and Genette.

PJ hesitantly stepped forward. "I won't work for a man who looks down upon another man simply because he's a mercenary, especially one that single-handedly turned the tide of this war. I go where Cipher goes. I'm turning in my wings too."

My wingman ripped them off his chest and slammed them into Commander Biggs' chest. He added, "Oh, and have fun explaining to High Command why your best fighters just left."

"You really want to do this, Beckett? You're an Ustian citizen. You shouldn't be turning your back on your country, let alone to follow a mercenary dog," Biggs warned.

"I go where Cipher goes because he's a damn better leader than you ever were." Turning to Iris, he said, "Let's go. I need to talk to the doctor about getting discharged myself. Cipher, want to come?"

"Yeah, I'll come. I need to call my family," I said. We started walking off, but I turned around and added, "Hey, you ever call me a mercenary dog again, I'll punch you."

"Janie won't like that when she hears about it," he snapped.

"She's the one who told me to do it." I strode away from the scene, feeling a little lighter despite the current, awful circumstances.

Five days later…

I kept trying to call Laurie-my sister- but every time, it went to voicemail. I started to worry about her and my family, but when I called my parents, they told me she and the others were on vacation with little cell service. I let that put my fears at ease.

Or at least some of them.

PJ, Iris, and I sat in the food court of the hospital, eating lunch. We'd been sitting in Janie's room since six in the morning. None of us were able to sleep while she was in the coma, all fearing the worst could happen.

The doctor had my number, so in case anything happened, he could call me. Every time my phone rang, I prayed it was anyone but him. He could only bring bad news. Mostly, though, it was the Osean and Ustian governments. They were working on getting me a safe house to live in because word had gotten out that certain people from the Belkan government were looking for me. So far, Ustio had erased my entire history from their systems, but not before printing out a copy for my keeping in case I could ever come out of hiding. I wasn't looking forward to this, but at least it let me keep my name. Still, I had to use precautionary measures and be on the safe side.

PJ, Iris, and I were in the middle of a conversation when my phone rang. Seeing the doctor's number flashing on the screen, I didn't even bother picking up. Without a second thought, I sprinted to the ICU to Janie's room, where I could hear monitors going haywire. The guards threw out their arms to prevent me from entering her room. Even Commander Biggs wasn't being allowed in there.

"What's going on?!" I demanded, trying to push past them. The guards didn't say anything, and I threw my arms out in aggravation. "Somebody needs to tell me what the hell is going on!"

Suddenly, a deafening silence overcame the area.

No beeping.

No talking.

Nothing.

I stared inside Janie's room at the monitor, watching the flat line run across the monitor.

My world spun as I staggered back, only stopping when I hit a wall. I didn't want to believe Janie was gone. She couldn't be. We were supposed to celebrate our victory over A World With No Boundaries, get married, go on a honeymoon, have a life together…

And it was all ripped away.

The doctor stepped out, a miserable expression on his face. He didn't have to say anything for us to know what happened, but he still spoke. "The damage to her brain was too severe to counteract. We… we couldn't save her. I am so sorry for your loss. You're welcome to say your last goodbyes to her if you'd like."

My feet wouldn't budge; I physically couldn't move a muscle in my body. I was absolutely paralyzed with grief.

"Cipher." Iris's sorrow-stricken voice broke through my shell-shocked state. I glanced down at her open hand. Slowly, I took it, and she led me into the room where PJ, Hammerhead, and Commander Biggs were already gathered around Janie's bed.

Had I not known she was dead, I would've thought she was in a deep, peaceful sleep. Janie's face showed no signs of pain or distress, and I daresay she even wore the tiniest of smiles. I hoped whatever she'd been dreaming of before she passed, it'd been a happy one, devoid of the pain and suffering she'd endured near the end of her life.

I grasped her cold, lifeless hand in mine, clenching my jaw in an effort to hold myself together. If I broke down now, I don't know if I'd ever be able to pull myself back together.

The world around me went quiet. I saw the others speaking out of my peripheral, but I couldn't hear what they were saying over the ringing in my ears.

One by one, they left, and only I remained. Paralysis once again set in. I wanted to say so much to Janie in my final goodbyes, but my mouth wouldn't open. So I thought it. Every word, every apology, every belief all rushed into my mind.

I'm sorry, Janie. I'm sorry, I couldn't save you. I'm sorry you spent the last moments of your life in pain. I'm sorry I didn't ask you sooner to marry me. I hope wherever you are, you're happy and free and painless. I hope you're looking down at us with pride. We all love you so, so much, and I don't know what we're going to do without you. Your dad and I might not see eye to eye, but I do know we both wanted what's best for you. You were always the one thing we could agree on, even if it was just the fact that we both love you with every atom of our being. I'm sorry he and I couldn't work out our differences before you passed, and I'm sorry if you somehow saw or heard that argument between us… that wasn't my finest moment. I paused, swallowing the knot down in my throat before continuing. I'm usually not one to believe in anything supernatural, but if there's a way for you to let me know you're okay, give me a sign one day. Please. I love you, Janie Biggs. I will love you for the rest of my life, and if there's a life after that, I'll love you then. I'll see you again. I promise.

I kissed Janie on the top of the head and forced myself out of the room, turning back to glimpse at her face one more time.

And then I left.

PJ and Iris didn't come after me.

Neither did Hammerhead or Biggs.

My body functioned on its own as I mechanically and mindlessly walked through the hospital, out into the parking lot, and into my car. It was then, and only then that I allowed myself to break down.

I barely remember yelling in sheer agony over losing her. I barely remember pulling out of my parking space and going onto the main road, leading me south to Valais Air Base. I barely remember packing the few belongings I had and moving them into my car. I barely remember driving west and crossing the border into Osea.

I don't remember the driving at all. It's a wonder I didn't die. Maybe, subconsciously, I wanted to. I'd lost Pixy to a madman and his terrorist group, and I'd lost Janie to a brain injury. Despite feeling like I had nothing left, I knew that wasn't true. I still had PJ and Iris and Hammerhead.

And I prayed I still had my family.

I don't remember stopping for gas, even though I know I did because I wouldn't have been able to make the trip if I didn't. I don't remember entering the stunningly gorgeous Rocky Mountains.

Everything was just a blur.

I came to a stop in front of a lakeside cabin- a black, Jeep Grand Cherokee parked outside. The lights inside the house were on, and I could make out the silhouettes of four figures eating dinner. I gulped and walked up to the front door, knocking with bated breath.

A familiar blonde woman opened the door, her mouth falling open at the sight of me. I wanted to smile and say hello like a normal person would. But all that came out was, "I'm so sorry, Laurie. I'm so, so sorry. Please forgive me for everything."

My sister burst into tears and threw her arms around me, muttering something along the lines of forgiving me, and understanding why I didn't come until now. Her muffled voice made it hard to tell, but I understood her point.

I sank into the hug, relieved my sister still loved me and that she forgave me, and that I still had a place with her. I still had a place in their hearts. After not speaking for a year, I wasn't sure if she'd forgive me for doing that to her or our parents or her kids. But she did, and I'd be forever grateful for it.

Laurie pulled away and dragged me into the house, shouting excitedly, "Elizabeth! Genette! Come here! There's a surprise for you!"

I grinned as I heard the chairs of my niece and nephew scraping against the hardwood floor. As they came running out to greet me, all I could think about was that I was home. I still had my family, and as long as I had them, I'd be okay.