flavored inferences you perverts draw from this.
-
Ranma 1/2: "Our Wedding Day" pt. 17 by Lady Tesser and Jack Staik -
In their redoubt, the Phoenix Warriors and Lady Aga waited for the coming of a favorable conjunction of stars. They would not stir this night.
In a five-star hotel, in a suite paid for by several gold coins, Lina Inverse closed the window and went back to her eleven-course midnight snack. The energies in the air made her ill-disposed to go out.
The winds howled, dark clouds skittered over the sky, distant thunder pealed. Animals cowered and hid in their holes, and small children cried, not knowing why.
For the stars this night bespoke of ill omen, and all things done beneath them would be ill done.
This was a night when the forces of Chaos and Old Night would be unleashed upon an unsuspecting Earth.
The Hibiki men were throwing a bachelor party.
Ina Sophia brooded (as much as a terminally-cheerful person can brood).
"That nasty Lina Inverse almost got me today, Mister Snugglekins," she said to her favorite plush rabbit. "She stopped running around with that stuffed bra and calling herself 'Ranko', too." She pouted cutely. "I should do something about her, before she ruins my chance to get Ono-
sama back. But I can't use my magic because of my ... monthly visitor." She giggled and blushed, embarrassed by the reference.
Ina opened one of her smaller bags. "Luckily in this world they're so much more advanced in things like this". She pulled the items out and readied them. "Just insert for your monthly protection."
Grinning, her eyelid twitching, she carefully inserted the 'Manstopper' fragmentation bullets into the .38 Colt Python.
Six men sat in the kissaten they rented out for the occasion.
The occasion was a bachelor party for two of the men, who were about to embark on the Road of Matrimony (one already had, but technicalities weren't going to bother them tonight).
Five of them had a distinct family resemblance.
Three of them (Jiro Hibiki, his father Ichiro, and Hiroshi Watanabe) were quite cheerful, getting into the partying mood.
Two others (Ranma Saotome and Ryoga Hibiki, the Guests of Honor) were looking both nervous and uncomfortable.
And the last looked exactly like Ranma Saotome, except he was wearing a white sundress with a pink belt and pink shoes, as well as oddly-applied makeup and nail polish. This was Ranko-kun Saotome, and he was not a happy camper.
"You could have changed, y'know," Ranma commented.
"Like hell!" he snarled. "I may have been roped into this, but I'm going to do it my way!"
===flashback===
"LIKE HELL!"
"Akane!" Ranma said, a hurt look on his face. "You mean to say that after all this time, you don't trust me?"
Akane looked suddenly fretful. "Of course I do, Ranma! I'd trust you with my life, my soul!" A dark look clouded her face. "It's Jiro and Ryoga I don't trust!"
Nodoka looked up from her wedding planning books and opined, "Perhaps I should ask Ichiro to accompany them - to provide a bit of mature wisdom."
Nabiki's eyebrow went up. "You trust Ichiro Hibiki at a bachelor party?"
Nodoka blushed. "Well, it's not like we're married -"
"Oh, no," Ranko sneered. "You just bore him two children and you're now carrying a third. No obligation on his part at all."
"Okay, we can take Ichiro -" Ranma began ... then the words sank in. "MOM?!"
"Oopsie," Akane said cutely. "Did I forget to mention that?"
Ranma carefully considered his options, chose the most rational and productive one, and fainted.
Nabiki smirked. "Taking it better than I thought he would."
"But that doesn't help matters!" Akane snapped. "Kasumi's jerk boyfriend, along with Ryoga the Pig, and Ichiro the Traveling Pollinator, are taking *my* husband to a bachelor party! And you know what a nebbish Ranma is with girls! He wouldn't be able to slap some nearly-naked hussy off his lap, would he?!"
Kasumi scowled briefly at the thought of Jiro with a nearly-
naked hussy on his lap. "So we'll send along a chaperone, someone we can trust to keep Jiro - er, Ranma - out of trouble."
"Do we know any guys that well?" Ranko asked.
Kasumi just smiled.
Ranko got that feeling she usually got just before screaming maniacs would attack her. She looked around, and all the Tendo girls were looking at her.
"Aw, no," she whined.
[SPLASH!]
Nabiki smiled as she dumped the bucket of water onto Ranko-
kun. "Now you can go with them, and make sure nothing gets out of hand."
Ranko-kun just growled. "The first one to say 'Don't get your panties in a knot' dies."
===end flashback===
"Damn Nabiki," Ranko-kun growled.
"Look on the bright side," Jiro said, "She's at your place with Shampoo's little boomer-maker, and she hates kids!"
Ranko-kun smiled at the thought of Nabiki changing a diaper. "True."
"Hey, that reminds me," Ranma said, "Didn't you and Shampoo have plans tonight? How'd you get her to let you come?"
Ryoga puffed up. "Hey! Just because I'm on medication doesn't make me less of a man! I just told her that a family matter came up and we'd reschedule!"
===flashback===
[WHAM!]
"Owie," Ryoga said politely (Shampoo's bonbori were deadly weapons, but even they couldn't penetrate the insane levels of damage resistance his body had acquired during the Bakusai Tenketsu training and being beaten on by Ranma). "What was that for?"
"[We're going out tonight, dip! Remember? We made arrangements for Kasumi to watch Conditioner! How can you just make new plans?!]"
"I didn't! It was my older brother! Part of some ritual observance for guys about to get married or something."
Shampoo halted. She never understood all the strange customs of this foreign land (that taking shoes off before going inside thing, for example, and why her restaurant couldn't serve green tea), but she tried to respect them.
If her soon-to-be-Airen's older brother said it was an important ritual observance, then he should be listened to. After all, if she was living in Japan, she should respect their customs.
(I know bachelor parties aren't a Japanese custom, but from Shampoo's P.O.V., Tokyo and New York might as well be the same place.)
"[All right, Airen,]" she said. "[But if that dolt of a Pantyhose tries anything like this in the future, tell him, I'll CUT IT OFF!]"
Ryoga cringed.
===end flashback===
"Oh, by the way Jiro," Ryoga remarked casually. "Shampoo sends her regards."
"Glad you aren't intimidated by the fact I got there first, Little Brother," Jiro said, laughing.
Ryoga grinned. "But you weren't good enough to get her to come back."
The whole table broke up at that one, including Jiro. "Point taken, Pig-Boy."
The waiter bought yet another jug of warm sake for half the table, which they dove into enthusiastically.
Ranma leaned over to Ryoga. "I'm not really wild about this party," he whispered. "Especially since I'm paying for it!"
"Why are you paying for it?"
Ranma shrugged. "Jiro said it's the custom for the groom to pay for the bachelor party."
Ranko-kun, who had been eavesdropping, almost commented, but decided against it.
Officer Gendo Hiroi of the Tokyo Metropolitan Police yawned as he waited for his partner to finish in a nearby restroom.
He'd heard stories of the weirdness of Nerima for much of his career, and had fought tooth and nail to get transferred here. But he'd been here a week or so, and there hadn't been anything too odd happening on his watch. In fact, he was bored out of his head.
"'Weird Nerima', my ass," he grumbled. "Might as well have gotten morgue-guarding detail. Nothing exciting around here. At least something exciting could happen - just once!"
[KA-BOOM!]
A huge chunk of pavement was blown into the sky by the blast, sailing into the night and pelting down in fragments over several blocks.
Out of the hole hopped several huge pigs in samurai armor, with paired katana and wakizashi in ready stance. They surrounded the hole protectively.
With a whirring sound, a figure rose out of the hole as if on an elevator; a cute girl with brown hair, pink streaks highlighting it. She wore a pink cape and snug-fitting pink lingerie, both with a subtle pig motif in the fabric. Her pink fishnet stockings and pink stiletto heels completed the effect.
She appeared to be carrying a baby in the crook of one arm. He was too far away to notice it was a bound and gagged piglet.
It soon became apparent that she was sitting atop something. Officer Hiroi watched as the 'something' came into view - a huge pig, about the size of a rhinoceros, wearing what appeared to be a sumo champion's formal outfit.
"Come, my minions!" she commanded. "We must acquire sake to power the Doomsday Device, so I can destroy the evil Chinese witch! Forward!"
As the girl and her pigs charged into the night, Officer Hiroi just stared.
A minute later, his partner came out of the restroom and noted the huge hole in the street.
"What happened?" he asked.
Hiroi just gaped at the hole.
"Don't wish for something," he said, "You might get it."
Genma Saotome sat in an alley, staring blankly at the piece of paper in his hand.
Standing besides him, his long-time cohort Soun Tendo kicked him in the head. "Come off it, Saotome! You've been staring at that damn divorce decree for six hours!"
"Nonconsummation?" he whined. "But I'm sure we - at least once! On our wedding night - "
Soun rolled his eyes. "The Master showed up in your hotel room and scared you into the street. Don't you remember?"
"Not really. We got a bulk discount on the sake for the reception."
Soun sighed. (At least he's more responsive than he was earlier,) he thought. The process server calling out in a loud voice the listed grounds for the divorce, to the amusement and mocking of the passersby, had shattered what little speck of pride Genma once had left.
Genma got a determined look on his face. "We will *succeed*, Tendo! We will show Nodoka that I am not the worthless reprobate she thinks I am!"
"How?"
"By stealing my son's inheritance, that's how!"
Soun felt a headache coming on. "Isn't stealing money from *her* child almost the definition of a reprobate?"
Genma waved him to silence. "Don't confuse the issue with facts, Tendo!"
Nodoka Natsuhara (formerly Saotome) enjoyed bouncing the cute blonde baby on her lap. Occasionally the thought would pop up that this was the wrinkled old pervert that had once torn a negligee off of her on her wedding night, transformed by some strange act of her son and daughter, but she shoved that thought out of her head. It was too weird.
Shampoo noted how well Nodoka got along with Chibi-
Conditioner and smiled and cooed at her adopted son.
Nabiki sat as far away as possible; having witnessed too closely the diaper-changing process (GREEN!), she made a note to renew her birth-control prescription.
Akane and Kasumi sat picking at bowls of rocky road ice cream, sulking. The combination of the Time-of-the-Month and their males going to a bachelor party had annoyed them greatly.
(Ranma's going to be getting drunk and ogling dancing girls,) Akane thought to herself. (He'll get all drunk and excited and he'll grab Ranko and drag her off and -) She snarled and shoved a huge scoop into her mouth.
Kasumi fretted in a similar vein. Jiro had been singularly close-mouthed about his romantic past, but she'd talked with Rose Petal (who'd only spoken in vague generalities), Nabiki (who'd spoken only briefly) and Shampoo (who'd gone into great detail). And now he was getting drunk at a bachelor party. She poured sake over her ice cream.
Kasumi swore under her breath, got up and went to the door. She pulled it open and yelled "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"
Ina Sophia, who had just begun to reach for the doorbell, flinched back. "Oh, hello! I'm Ina Sophia. Is Lina - I mean Ranko at home?"
"No, she's gone out whoring and drinking with her brothers and father. And haven't you caused enough trouble, you scrawny skank?" She slammed the door.
By reflex, Kasumi fell on the floor, just as the bullets blew apart the door.
"DAMN IT, WE JUST HAD THAT REPLACED!" Akane bellowed, stomping into the room with Nabiki and Shampoo.
Ina stepped in through the shattered wreck of the door, pistol in hand. Pointing it at the ladies in question produced a sudden halting and a massive panic-stricken cringe (except for Akane, who put herself between Ina and the others).
"Who the hells are you and what are you doing in my house - with a GUN!? Those things are illegal, you know!"
"Pish tosh," Ina replied. "I'm Ina Sophia, Ono Tofu's one and only snuggle-bear. And you tell me where the tart calling herself Ranko is before I ventilate your housemaid here. Tee hee!" The gun swung to cover Kasumi.
Akane considered the situation. It would take too long for her to use her ki-abilities, and Kasumi was too far away for her to use the Amiguriken to catch the bullets.
Akane reluctantly gave an address - one across the street from where the bachelor party was being held.
"Okey-dokies," Ina said cheerfully. "That's all I wanted. I have to go now." As she turned, she said. "But if you've been Naughty Nellies and fibbed to me, I'll come back and slit your throats while you sleep! Cheerio!"
As the blonde left, she turned to Nabiki. "Get to the phone - call Ranko! If she and the others have advance warning, they can take her!"
"What are you going to do?" Nabiki asked as Akane headed out the door. But by the time she got there, Akane was gone into the night, Shampoo in hot pursuit.
(I can't let that loony shoot up the neighborhood,) Akane thought. (The best bet is to ambush her at the old storefront I sent her to. If I can get there first!)
The party was doing quite well (eleven complaints from other customers), and Jiro decided that he would fulfil his plan and get a huge kick out of perpetrating a gigantic humiliation upon both his half-brothers - right now.
He hopped onto the karaoke stage (causing some bug-eyed stares, considering the stage was ten feet from his table), grabbed the microphone, and called out, "HIBIKIS!"
The feedback squeal made him wince.
"Hibikis!" he repeated. "Tonight we mourn the loss of my two younger brothers, Ranma and Ryoga, as they have their manhood stripped away in marriage!"
The other patrons laughed, as did Hiroshi. Ranma and Ryoga just growled.
"Yes, they have both been ensnared by flashing eyes and wiggling buttocks, and have begged to be castrated and follow their new owners around like puppy dogs!"
"WATCH IT, AHO!" Ranma called out.
"SOUR GRAPES!" Ranko-kun yelled. "JUST 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T KEEP A WOMAN MORE THAN AN HOUR!"
"I don't *need* more than an hour!" Jiro replied arrogantly. The crowd applauded, eating it up.
"I'll tell Kasumi you said that," Ranko-kun muttered quietly, enjoying the thought of Jiro's groveling before his girl, trying to explain that.
"And so," Jiro went on, "In classic tradition, to show them what they're missing - COME ON LADIES!"
Jiro hopped off the stage, just as the spotlights came on and three specimens of scantily-clad femininity wriggled out, all in classic dancing-girl outfits like in some cheap Indian movie made out of golden sequins and semi-transparent silk. One tall black-haired one stood in the middle, her figure the most lush, her moves the most sensuous. The smaller and more slender pair behind her, still attractive in a semi-clad way, acted as background.
The patrons howled in delight, hooting and whistling.
Ranma and Ryoga blushed like stoplights. Ranma thought the one on the right looked awful familiar. Ryoga thought the one on the left was kind of cute, for which he was immediately ashamed of himself.
Ranko looked disgusted. "If this is 'what they're missing', I'm glad I like guys."
Someone at a nearby table, overhearing that, said, "Really? We'd never have guessed!" Thier laughter lasted all of two seconds before Ranko-kun's fist backhanded him thirty feet back and out a window.
Ichiro seemed surprised.
The tall dancer suddenly stopped and stared out into the crowd.
"ICHIRO-KUN?!" she called out happily.
Ryoga's head jerked up in shock. That voice -
"OKAASAN!?"
Ichiko Hibiki hopped off the stage. "And Ryoga! What's Mommy's little man doing here?" She gave him a big motherly hug, which seemed rather incongruous considering her dancing-
girl outfit.
Everyone else was promise-posed in utter shock.
Except Ichiro. "Ichiko-chan, so good to see you again."
"What are you two doing in Hong Kong?" she asked.
"This is Tokyo, Ichiko."
She nodded. "I thought it looked familiar. And who are your friends?"
"These are some of my children - Ranma and Ranko. Children, this is my wife, Ichiko. Ichiko-chan, this is Ryoga's bachelor party."
"Bachelor party?" Her face lit up. "My little man found himself a girl? Oh, that's so sweet!"
Jiro was gagging.
"Ichiko-chan, this is my son by my first wife. I may have mentioned him in passing." He smiled. "He calls himself Jiro now."
She looked surprised. "He's your son?" She nodded thoughtfully. "I thought there was something familiar about the way he -"
"AAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!" Jiro quoth calmly, falling to his knees and tearing his hair out.
Ranko-kun analyzed his reaction, and came to the obvious conclusion. "Oh, Jiro! You've boinked our stepmother, too?"
Jiro hid his face and wept.
One of the other girls came off the stage. "Hey, Mom! What's going on?"
"Let me introduce you dear. This is your brother Ryoga - Ryoga-kun, this is your little sister Miyumi."
Jiro looked even more horrified. "I HIRED MY OWN SISTER AS A STRIPPER?!"
"What are you worried about?" Ranma asked. "You had sex with the other one."
Ranko-kun nonchalantly slammed his elbow into his twin's head.
"No, Jiro," Ichiko explained. "She's not related to you. She's only your step-sister."
Ichiro seemed puzzled. "Who's her father?"
Ichiko shrugged. "Who knows? Fourteen years is a long time."
Ryoga fell to his knees. "MY FAMILY'S ALL PERVERTS!"
Ranko-kun leaned over and patted him on the back. "Not all of us, brother-mine."
Ryoga looked at the dress, the make-up, the masculinity, and broke into tears.
"You're not a pervert, Ryoga," Ranma said helpfully.
"I THOUGHT MIYUMI HAD A CUTE BUTT!" Ryoga wailed.
Miyumi giggled, "Thanks, oniichan."
Ranmma shrugged. "Okay, I was wrong."
Ryoga and Jiro put their arms around each other and cried.
Ranma muttered, "Y'know, I'm beginning to think ol' Genma wasn't such a bad father after all."
Ranko-kun just nodded in agreement. "At least he couldn't figure out what to do with it."
Hiroshi, in the meantime, finished off all the sake while no one was looking.