Chapter 17
Soo-ling is positive he's going through the moxt exciting time of his life. That he finally started to grow means he's not going to stay a shrimp for the rest of his days. He sure knows his father was very tall, but the knowledge alone is just not enough. He can't wait until he grows into the size of an adult man that fits a gang leader. To be frank, he considers it a miracle that he's been reckoned with over the last two years; apparently, he's managed to make up for that shortcoming with his skills. Anyway, it seems that he's entered the path leading to maturity. His enthusiasm and excitation can't be damped even by the occasional coordination problems - the gym training remedies it a bit - and his voice embarrassingly cracking in the most desirable moments.
When he realizes he's now taller than Yue-lung, he's triumphant at first; Yue-lung still happens to treat him like a kid every now and then, so maybe it will finally end now. Soon, however, that euphoria - quite superficial and based on the need to pay the guy back, he admits it - turns into something deeper: desire to be seen as a partner. Even though he's learned well that Yue-lung's emotional level is that of a five-year-old, he's still concerned by that age gap of two years between the two of them. He hopes that once he looks better, Yue-lung would treat him like an equal.
In the last weeks, he's been thinking of Yue-lung a lot. The head of the syndicate surprised him showing him concern; until that moment, Soo-ling considered his attachment to him as more or less one-sided, despite knowing that Yue-lung needed him. Still, he thought of it as a basic need, a necessity without any feelings behind it, like need for air or food. They are something you must fight for in the situation when there's risk of them running out, but once there's plenty of them, you don't even think of them. Yet, Yue-lung's action indicated something more; why else would 'young master' leave his cocoon, his comfort zone? Why else would he think of another person instead of only looking at himself? And not just once, but twice already!
Since then, Soo-ling has been observing him closely in order to confirm his assumptions. He's disappointed - the third time not only doesn't happen, but Yue-lung is back to his older, hysterical self from the last spring - but it's not enough to spoil his attitude. It takes him a while to understand that he really hopes he means more than air to Yue-lung. Over several months of an intensive relationship, the young mafia boss, for all his faults, has become his invaluable companion, the essential part of his life. First Soo-ling couldn't hate him, then started to care about him, then took liking to him, and then grew attached to him. At his point, something earth-shaking would have to happen for him to start to despise Yue-lung again.
He's aware the emotions the young syndicate boss stirs in him are the mix of more and less constructive. On the one hand, he actively admires his bright mind, and on the other hand, he passively sympathizes with his tragedies; as for the destructive criticism, he at least tries to avoid it. The same way, his behavior towards Yue-lung is a mixture of supporting him in the organization stuff, and of caring and providing emotional help, and sometimes setting him straight in a rough manner, too. He knows well that Yue-lung consists of several parts he shows depending on his mood. Also, he recognizes those fragments he doesn't like - hateful, cruel and calculating, treating people like pawns - and yet accepts, as they, too, belong to the entirety called Lee Yue-lung, who is also capable of smiling and sometimes laughing, and even stretching his help and showing he does care.
After half a year, Soo-ling knows he wants to follow Yue-lung and protects him. He could call it a friendship, at least one-sided, right? His inner optimist tells him that, the next half a year from now, the situation may be much more advanced; he only needs to put some effort in it. That's why now he isn't dispirited by the hysterical tantrums, being called names and sometimes thrown things at, only plans to wait it out, just like he's waited out everything until now and it was worth it.
In the end of December, Yue-lung comes down with a terrible influenza that puts him into bed. First, he has a nasty fever, and then it takes him a very long to recover. His organism, weakened with poor nutrition and insomnia - to say nothing of psychological stress - needs several weeks to regain his health. Soo-ling blames himself for bringing the virus home - his disease was mild and short, and he considered it just a common cold - which he tries to compensate for with taking care for the patient. He sits by his bed, brings him meals, adjusts his pillows... at least as much as Yue-lung lets him; in this condition, though, he's too weak to throw tantrums or protest in any physical manner. However, at least five times per day Soo-ling hears angry or exasperated, or strained, or despairing, 'Go away!', sometimes followed by an explanation, 'you're get ill, too,' or, 'I don't want to see you,' or, 'I don't need you,' or, 'I can't sleep.' Sometimes Yue-lung only looks at him and sometimes seems to be wanting to say something, sometimes averts his eyes and appears to be close to tears. Sometimes he just sleeps because he's so exhausted that not even somebody else's presence disturbs him. Blanca's visits he keeps demanding clearly make his mood better and calm him.
Soo-ling has all too much time to wonder about the possible reasons why Yue-lung started to treat him like a necessary evil again, but he can't reach any conclusions. When the situation only prolongs, it starts to worry him. He's almost certain that this time he's done nothing to deserve such treatment. When he finally formulates a possible explanation in his mind, he's first uncomfortable and then scared. He realizes that it would be extremely hard for him to relinquish this friendship if Yue-lung grew bored with him.
In the mid-January, Sergei has an unexpected guest... unless you can call it someone you live under the same roof with. Yet, it's been a while since the last time Sing visited him, so there must be a reason behind that. For a moment, the boy seems to be mustering his courage, standing there with his arms folded and glowering at him. Finally he sits down in the armchair and puts his elbows on his knees. "Why 'young master' acts normally around you and only gets hysterical with me?" he asks outright.
"Wasn't it always like that?" Sergei asks slyly.
"It was," Sing agrees reluctantly.
"But it started to disturb you only now...?"
This, Sing doesn't comment; he averts his head.
"Don't you think he might be simply polite with me... and honest with you?" Sergei suggests. "You're very lucky. You're probably the only person in the world he can afford it with."
Sing looks at him again and then shakes his head. "No, it's different now. Now it's anything but honesty, I can tell it," he says in a decisive voice before adding somewhat miserably, "Now it's complete distrust. He prefers you."
Sergei keeps silent for a moment. "It doesn't say a thing about me, only you," he says in the end, and these words make Sing wince.
"Does he hate me?" Sing asks in a low voice, and Sergei has never seen him so upset before... and it makes him happy because it indicates something important being in question.
"Sing, how can you be so silly? It's the opposite," he says. "Didn't it occur to you he's become attached to you and it frightens him terribly?"
Sing straightens up in the armchair and blinks in astonishment. "What's there to be frightened about?" he asks with some hesitation. "It's not the end of the world... quite the contrary."
Sergei shakes his head. "It may as well be the end of the world for him... of the world he knows. Just think about it. You're probably the very first person he's been considering important in a long time. You're the only friend he's ever had... if he even understood that as a friendship, in the first place. But for someone like him, attachment means weakness, danger. You can understand it, can't you?"
A doubtful expression appears on Sing's face - Sergei interprets it as, "How can somebody be so twisted?" - but then the boy nods slowly. "Yeah, I know him well enough already to tell that his way of thinking often... um, deviates from standard," he says. "Sometimes, I can even comprehend it."
"You put it very nicely," Sergei praises him, suppressing a smile.
Sing glares at him; he's never been susceptible to flattery. He remains silent, and Sergei suspects he's mustering... no, not courage - he's brave even too much - only humbleness to ask, "What should I do about it?" It's obvious he's at his wit's end.
Sergei respects Sing enough to spare him the need to ask. "I think the only way is to be patient," he informs in a gentle manner. "But there's one more thing you should know: he's not only scared of himself, but of you as well."
Now Sing looks at him as if Sergei has just grown a second head... or as if he's just heard the greatest nonsense in the world. He's clearly speechless. "What...?" he finally asks, in a complete disbelief.
"You've heard me right."
"Why should he fear me?" now there's complaint and offence in his voice. "I've never done anything to him, quite the contrary..."
"It doesn't matter. I mean, of course it does, only... He's scared you could take advantage of that attachment," Sergei explains, and when Sing looks like protesting, he adds quickly, "I know, I know you're not that kind of a man... but he's never had anyone around him to trust they wouldn't hurt him. That's why you must be patient."
Sing doesn't seem pleased with that answer, but he nods nonetheless... and waits for more. He's decided to come here and ask Sergei's advice and opinion, so he's ready to accept them, whatever they might be. It's been a long time since Sergei met such a honest and straightforward, and mentally tough man, and hence his respect. He smiles.
"As for another reason... Hmm, you've started to grow up. Before you know it, you'll be a big and a strong man," he says lightly before adding with emphasis, "A threat."
Now Sing freezes altogether. If Sergei hadn't known him as a bright and gathered boy, this conversation would have made him believe Sing was a dimwit. Yet, he's perfectly capable of understanding his reaction - and feel sorry for him, and envy him, and wish him all the best. What makes him most happy is that Sing is here. That someone like that - wise, warm and compassionate - is by Lee Yue-lung's side, who would otherwise meet a psychological destruction.
"But I told him that you'll certainly grow into an enhanced version of me," he adds in order to lessen the impact of his previous words.
Sing winces. "You're terribly conceited, you know that?"
"I meant it as a compliment," Sergei qualifies, trying not to laugh.
"That makes you even more conceited!" Sing insisted, but then he averts his eyes. He's silent for a while before muttering, "And what did he say about it?"
"It seemed he at least gave it some thought," Sergei answers politely.
Sing snorts; he's still looking to the side. "Well, given that his behavior hasn't changed for the better, I don't think the conclusions he reached pleased him," he states in a critical manner.
Sergei observes him closely. He would very much like to know how Sing feels about Yue-lung, but he isn't certain if Sing knows it himself. That's why he asks once more, "Why did it start to bother you that he's... hmm, upset now?"
Sing turns his head to look at him again. "Butt off, will you?"
Well, it seems that Sing at least realizes that Yue-lung is very important to him, more he would like to admit it. Sergei recalls his earlier words, "Does he hate me?" Sing has invested too much in that relationship to be comfortable with the thought it might end now. He doesn't deserve to fear that.
"Then let me com- Then let me tell you that you're really important to him," Sergei reveals. "His actions result only from anxiety, from fear. That's why the only thing to do is to be patient and bear with it. It's the only way to make that fear diminish." 'Unless you tell him directly you care about him,' he wants to add but isn't certain himself if it would really make a difference, so he says instead, "I don't think you could do anything about it. You must wait until he works out the problem and makes a decision."
"I'm not exactly patience incarnated," Sing says with reserve, which makes Sergei raise his brows. He didn't expect the boy to be modest to such an extent that he can't see his own virtues.
"You've put up with him for so long already. Sing, believe me, you're an angel."
Sing averts his eyes; he seems clearly embarrassed but also grateful.
"If only you want and can be with him from now on, too, it would be the best thing. He needs you more than anything or anyone else," Sergei goes on in a calm voice. "He's probably unable to identify the exact nature of that need, but maybe it's not necessary, at least for now. It's not that important if it's friendship, love or yet another thing; he just need someone to be concerned about him, and he needs continuity. He must be certain it won't just end. It can also be that his actions aim at checking out how long you could bear with him... when you start to be tired of him. That's what he subconsciously expects."
"Moron," Sing states, and Sergei hears a clear affection in that word.
"And a vicious creature, on top of it, one capable to making your life terrible. I'm not amazed you find it diffi-"
"I'll be fine," Sing interrupts him, staring him in the eye; a renewed determination rings in his voice. Then, however, he asks doubtfully, "Is it really possible for a person to think that way? You know that stuff, so tell me," he adds with reluctance.
Sergei bursts out laughing... and then, taking advantage of his guest's curiosity, starts a lecture on the unconscious motivations that drive the behavior of every man.