The soft knock at the bedroom door roused Harper from, what could only be described as, a restless sleep.
The fear telling her it was a bad idea to close her eyes had been correct and her dreams had been filled with blurred flashes of her past. Breaking into Government property to steal information, threatening people at gunpoint, training until the muscles in her legs burned…
"I brought you a cup of tea," she had been expecting Elena and was surprised to hear the quiet and calming tone belonging to Sorina. Staying beneath her quilt she listened as Sorina crossed the room and placed the mug on the bedside cabinet "If it were up to El she'd be in here but I've sent her off to set up the stall."
There was a dip in the bed at Harper's feet as Sorina sat down but she still couldn't force herself to move. She didn't want to see anyone, didn't want to look anyone in the eye just in case they could tell what she had done. Sorina and Elena were nice, good, people who didn't deserve to be dragged into something as terrible as her past.
"Your tea is going to go cold," Sorina said, her tone a whisper as she leaned over and placed her hand on Harper's shoulder.
Another couple of seconds of silence went by before she started to speak again "Y'know, whatever has happened you can tell me," she said quietly "Because you're safe here. Whatever has been done to you or whatever you have done there will be no judgement...because me and Elena? We aren't so squeaky clean either."
Harper couldn't stop the smile from coming to her face as she slowly emerged from the cocoon she had made herself from her quilt "Is this where you tell me you shoplifted when you were a teenager?" she asked with an arch of her eyebrow.
An amused smirk came to Sorina's face as she shrugged her shoulders and tilted her head to one side "I've been known to dabble," she said, glancing to Harper from the corner of her eye "It's nice to see a smile on that face."
A sigh pushed itself from Harper's lungs as she shuffled into a sitting position, a sadness tinting the smile on her lips as she pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them "I can't tell you," she said in a whisper, biting on the inside of her cheek to stop the tears rimming her eyes from falling.
"And that's fine," Sorina answered as she turned to face her, reaching out to grasp hold of Harper's hands "As long as he's not hurting you-"
"He's not," Harper interrupted with a shake of her head "He's actually...he's pretty amazing," she admitted with a sigh. She was still angry at Bucky, a white hot anger which threatened to bubble over, but she found herself also seeing his side of it. Had she not put off looking through the very same file herself so she didn't have to help him relive his crimes?
"Not so bad to look at either," Sorina said with mischief sparkling in her eyes "Which you can not tell Elena," she continued, pointing a finger at Harper who held her hands up in innocence, before raising her eyes to the ceiling "She'd only want to meet him and you know what a mess that would be, the girl can't talk to hot guys!"
A laugh burst out from Harper and she nodded her head, remembering how Elena would always manage to say the wrong thing whenever the hot builder guy would come in to the cafe on his dinner break "Thanks S," she said once their shared giggles had died down. She felt as though she had finally been able to take a deep, lung filling, breath for the first time since she had read her name in that file.
"Anytime," Sorina smiled, moving over so she was able to wrap her arms tightly around Harper's shoulders "And I mean it okay?" she continued once they pulled out of their embrace, reaching over to wipe the tear which had escaped from Harper's eye off her cheekbone "We may not have known you for very long but I'm a very good judge of character and your character is one of the best okay? Who else could put up with the Vasile siblings in that cafe all day every day?"
"They're not so bad," Harper said with a shrug of her shoulders as Sorina got to her feet, swinging her own legs round so she could push herself up out of the bed.
"You don't have to lie to me, I'm married to one of them I know they can be a pain in the ass," Sorina smirked, making her way over to the door and tapping the side of her nose "Now get ready! Get back out there! Be the strong independent woman I know you are!"
Harper laughed once more, shaking her head as Sorina raised her fist in the air before slipping out into the hallway.
It was almost like nothing had changed. Sorina didn't treat her any differently, she could still smile, still laugh...
She paused beside the mirror, taking in her entire reflection. It may have seemed as though everything was still the same but she couldn't deny the change. When she looked at herself she saw the haunted expression dulling her eyes slightly, the endearing bend to her nose now meant something completely different and her pale complexion just reminded her that she had been closed off from the world for so long, with most of her missions occurring during the night.
She still felt like herself, sure, but there was a change, a subtle shift, that she just couldn't deny.
Picking up the oversized jumper and leggings Sorina had left for her at the bottom of her bed she tugged the t-shirt she had arrived in the previous night up over her head, making sure she turned away from the mirror so she didn't catch sight of any of her scars.
Once she was dressed she dropped back down to sitting on the edge of the bed, pushing her blonde hair from where it had fallen into her eyes and letting out a sigh. She wasn't sure what she wanted to do with herself, she didn't feel as though she could go to work, didn't want to wander the market and definitely couldn't see her going back to the little apartment she had been calling home. Not yet.
Sunlight spilled across the darkly carpeted floor at her feet and she wriggled her toes in the warmth. Pushing herself up onto her feet she allowed herself a glance out of the window just to the right of her bed, moving the blinds to one side and leaning with her shoulder pressed against the wall.
Elena and Sorina's apartment was situated on the third floor and wasn't too far away from Harper's own place so it gave a nice view over the market stalls.
The streets were bustling with people as they made their way to their jobs, stopping every so often to pick something up from one of the vendors for their lunch. There were smiles on some faces and impatient looks on others as they glanced down to their watches, some people wore clothes to reflect the sunny day while others remained skeptical of the weather and carried umbrellas at their sides.
Part of her wished she were one of them, the only care in her world being the fact that she was running late or had a big meeting awaiting her in the office...but she soon smiled to herself as she straightened up from where she was leaning, allowing the blind to drop back into place and the sun to be reduced to a single line, pushing into the room through the smallest of gaps.
She had never been happy sat in an office. As soon as her research surrounding Steve Rogers and his life had been done, her exhibit was completed and all she was required to do was maintain it from the comfort of an office her interest had begun to plummet.
And after travelling from country to country with Bucky for the past year she definitely couldn't go back to sitting behind a desk.
"Toast?" Sorina asked as she padded into the kitchen "I need to head off soon to relieve Elena, I don't even want to picture the havoc she is causing behind my stall," she continued raising her eyes to the ceiling, not waiting for Harper's reply about the toast before popping two slices of bread into the toaster.
"I might walk with you," she said in a tentative tone as she hopped up onto one of the tall stools surrounding the breakfast bar close to where Sorina was bustling about.
"You're very welcome to," she answered, her eyebrows only slightly raising in shock and a smile coming to her face "But first, you eat," she said placing two pieces of slightly toasted bread onto a plate, smearing them with butter and jam before placing them in front of Harper.
She smiled as she watched Sorina drop two more pieces of bread into the toaster. Her stomach was turning with the amount of information she had haunting her mind but she knew her friend would definitely have something to say about her not eating breakfast.
So, lifting the still warm piece of toast up to her lips she sent Sorina an obedient smile and took a bite.
"Grapes, apples and your change Mrs Marin," Elena smiled across to the older lady as she placed her bags and a few coins into her outstretched hand "Mr Tessler, here for your plums? They're helping with your memory no? See, I am full of useful facts!"
"Do they?"
She jumped at the sound of a different voice, placing a hand on her chest she raised her eyes to the sky before turning them to glare down to the man standing off to her right "Do they what?" she asked as she tied the bag Mr Tessler's plums were in up and handed them down to him, exchanging the note he was handing her for some change.
"Do plums help with memory?"
Elena narrowed her eyes and folded her arms over her chest, tilting her head to one side as she regarded the guy stood in front of her. He was taller than her, of course, with broad shoulders and a dark baseball cap pulled over his eyes, he looked as though he was genuinely interested in her reply as he leaned forward so he was able to hear her properly.
"Yes," she confirmed with a nod, he wasn't someone she had seen around before but she couldn't deny his Romanian was practically perfect "They improve memory capacity and help to prevent Alzheimer's disease," she continued with a shrug of her shoulders "Mr Tessler has a family history of it so I recommended plums."
"I'll take some of those as well," he answered, digging into the pocket of his jacket to retrieve some money.
"I mean...they're not a cure," Elena said hesitantly as she pulled out a bag to fill for him "I'd recommend a few of those brain game things and, y'know, a doctor."
He smiled up at her, the tilt of his head showing off more of his face than before, and she couldn't stop the blush from decorating her cheekbones "These will be fine for now," he assured her as he gratefully took the bag and handed over the money, patiently waiting for his change before sending her one last smile and disappearing into the market crowd.
She checked her watch, huffing when she realised she had been standing there for an hour with no sign of Sorina, before crossing her arms over her stomach and attempting to keep herself warm through the icy breeze now passing through. The morning rush seemed to be over, with some people deciding to opt for the warm breakfasts being sold from stalls and cafes around them, so Elena was able to relax a little. Sipping on the coffee Elizabeth from a neighbouring stall had brought over for her she picked herself a banana, glancing around to make sure 'Don't eat the produce!' Sorina wasn't in sight.
"What have I told you?"
Elena winced at the sound of her wife's tone, she had gotten too cocky and was biting into an apple with her back to the direction in which she knew Sorina would arrive "I was starving!" she exclaimed, turning on her heel with her most innocent expression on her face. She was shocked to see Harper stood before her as well, wrapped up in one of the old jackets they kept hanging up by the door, with her hands tucked in her pockets but tried not to let it show on her face "You won't shout at me in front of our guest will you?" she continued with a pout.
Sorina rolled her eyes as she stepped up into the stall and adjusted the scarf around her neck "How has it been?"
"Usual," Elena answered with a shrug, swapping sides with Sorina and wrapping an arm around Harper's shoulders to give her a quick squeeze "All the locals have been out and there was this guy, kinda cute, who wanted the plums for memory."
"Have you been giving my customers medical advice again?"
Harper watched their domestic squabbling in amusement. She felt relaxed around them, despite only knowing them for a short amount of time, but couldn't deny the squirming in her stomach at the thought of being with people whose biggest concern was fruit. Especially now that she had read her file, the words swimming through her mind in a constant loop.
"I'm going to head off," she said in a small tone, plastering a smile on her face as the two turned to face her "I should get home," she continued as she jabbed her thumb over her shoulder "Thank you for letting me stay last night."
They looked as though they wanted to stop her, Elena even taking a step toward her, but instead Sorina smiled right back "Of course," she said with a nod of her head "If you need us you come right back though?"
"I promise," Harper nodded, raising her hand in a small wave before turning her back on her two friends "I'll be at work tomorrow," she added as an afterthought, aiming her comment toward Elena "And I'll bring the coat," she continued as she tugged on the lapels of the coat keeping her warm. The day hadn't been as warm as the view out of the window suggested so Sorina had insisted on her borrowing one of their spares.
They called supportive comments after her and she sent them waves over her shoulder, keeping her eyes forward and not really knowing where she wanted to go.
For the first time since she had left it behind she found herself missing her cozy little Washington apartment.
All she wanted to do was slip her shoes off at the door, drop her keys into the bowl and cross the living room to heat up a bowl of Ange's homemade soup. She wanted to sink into the comfy cushions decorating her sofa cradling the bowl in her hands as she reached for the television remote…
"Why am I here?" she asked, fear making her tone tremble as she glanced around the room at the terrifying looking machines surrounding her.
"In the chair Leonie."
Harper felt as though the air had been punched out of her lungs, leaning against a nearby wall and closing her eyes. She could feel the fear present in the memory bursting into her mind, her chest tightening and a fluttering of worry invading her stomach.
Tears sprang to her eyes as she glanced around, the odd passing person sending her an odd glance before hurrying away, and clutched onto her pounding head.
She was tiny, perched on the leather chair. Her feet dangled beneath her, not able to touch the floor, as her shoulders were roughly pushed back so her back was pressed closely against the chair. Her sarcasm, her fight, seemed to be useless as her arms were strapped down and something she hadn't been able to catch sight of was shoved into her mouth.
"It shouldn't take too long," a soft tone to her right said, but she wasn't able to turn her head to see who had been talking. As well as being as far back in the seat as possible it seemed as though her head was now encased in a contraption to stop her from moving at all.
"No," she moaned, shaking her head as much as she could as the speaker came into view. She was only tiny herself, a pretty face decorated with brown hair, clutching a clipboard in her arms "Stop."
"It's alright Leonie," the speaker said, lowering the clipboard and sending her a smile "You won't remember a thing once we're done here."
Her knees were tucked up against her chest, her face buried into the fabric of her leggings, as her hands gripped onto her pounding head. She remembered the pain of the machine they had strapped her to, the feeling of helplessness as her memories ebbed away from her and the sight of a couple watching from afar.
"Hey, hey," a soft tone said as someone knelt down beside her, his touch was gentle and face filled with relief as she looked up to him through her tear filled eyes "Let's get you home," Bucky smiled as he reached across to tuck her hair behind her ear, checking her over to make sure she was okay before helping her up onto her feet and holding her up against his side
"I'm sorry," she whispered as she allowed him to direct her toward their apartment "For disappearing," she continued as they made their way over to the familiar looking building. Around them people threw glances their way, concern passing some faces while judgment passed others.
Bucky's jaw was set into a tense line, a muscle jumping in the corner now and then, as he opened up the door to their place and lead her inside "Get some rest," he said in a tone a lot gruffer than earlier as he lowered her down onto the mattress they had shared the previous night.
Harper felt a little shaky as she settled back onto the pillows, embarrassment at practically collapsing in the street coloured her cheekbones pink and the regret of pushing Bucky away when they were getting so close stabbed at her stomach. Her brain was whirring as snapshots of memories flickered before her eyes, confusing themselves as to whether they were reality or overexaggerated dreams.
She was only aware that she had managed to get some sleep when she was awoken by the sound of Bucky arriving back into the apartment. Her sleep filled eyes emerged from beneath the blanket she was cuddled under as his heavy boots walked across the bare floor "Did you know me?"
Her question shocked the both of them; Bucky thinking she was still asleep and Harper not expecting the words she had been thinking over would escape from her lips.
The bag he had been carrying was placed on the kitchen top as his shoulders tensed and a breath was drawn in through his nose. He kept himself busy, unpacking the different bits of food he'd picked up from the market, as she pushed herself up into a sitting position. Her head still pounded and she was grateful to see a packet of painkillers and a glass of water sitting on the floor beside her.
"Bucky, please," she said in a louder tone once she'd placed the, now empty, glass back where it had been sitting "Have we met before?"
"Yes," he answered slowly as he turned to face her. Plucking the two mugs of tea she hadn't noticed him making up into his hands she watched as he made his way over, handing over hers as he sat down on the sofa "I didn't seek you out though, I didn't realise until Paris," he added when he noticed the look on her face, "It was a pure coincidence that I walked into your place of work."
There were so many questions she wanted to ask that she wasn't sure where to start, her hands cupped around the warm mug and her legs crossed beneath her as she stared up to him with an expectant expression "I...who...why…?"
The smile he was sending her was tinged with sadness and he looked like he was going to reach out to her before stopping himself "I couldn't tell you," he said with a shake of his head "I wanted to, I knew I should have, but I just couldn't bring myself to say the words to your face."
Harper nodded her head as she took a sip of her drink, the liquid still a bit too warm as it filled her mouth and burned it's way down her throat. She understood what he was saying; how was he supposed to bring something like that up to her? Would she even have believed him?
"I'm remembering more and more each day," she confessed "It's just a little confusing...trying to sort through what's real and what isn't, what I've been told to remember and what actually happened."
"I wasn't there for all of it," Bucky explained, leaning with his elbows on his thighs, his own drink forgotten about "And the things I was there for...I'm struggling to remember as well. I do have a basic understanding and have read through your file though," the words seemed hard for him to say, the memories he knew he would have to sort through obviously not ones he favoured "But I'll answer any questions you have."
dedicated to L. ily.