A/N - Sorry for the super short chapter. The next one will be much longer by necessity but I wanted to get an update out.

Chapter 26 - The List

Logan

I feel terrible for how I left things with Veronica tonight. I know that she was feeling the distance I put between us, but it wasn't the time to tell her everything that was running through my head. I'm trying to be the good guy here, give her an out if she needs it. She's already told me that she's not sure about how we'll make this work when we're an hour apart from one another when we couldn't make it work when we were only a few minutes from each other. Besides, I'm feeling very insecure that what she feels for me is true. How do I know that it's not just some adrenaline high considering all the danger we've been in.

I lay in bed for hours trying to calm my thoughts. Finally at 3 in the morning, I get up and go into my closet. In the back is a box, my Veronica box. Inside are pictures from our previous attempts at a relationship, momentos, etc. It's also where I keep the journal I started keeping when I was in rehab. It's not a traditional journal, it's really my list. My reasons for why it didn't work for us, what I did wrong, what she did wrong. Each section has a heading and my jumbled thoughts on all of it, trying to make sense.

I flip through it briefly, reminding myself of all the things that we still need to address and trying to assure myself that there are many things that have been already in a relatively short period of time.

Duncan - my ex-best friend, the guy she left me for in senior year leaving me to wallow in my own self-destruction. One of her rapists, her first love, Lilly's brother. So much was wrapped up in Duncan. She said she was over him, that she saw him for who he was, but I still don't fully understand why she didn't see it sooner.

I pause, looking over my own thoughts written so long ago and with such bitterness. I always thought I would never live up to him, that she only chose me because she couldn't have him. Now I know that's not true, but it did always seem like she was trying to find someone just like him leading me to believe that I was never going to be enough. I guess the question is whether or not it's worth actually bringing this up again tomorrow.

I shake my head, he's in prison and even if he gets out, he's never getting near her again. She doesn't want him in her life. I think it's time for me to let go of my fears as it regards Duncan.

Running away - that's what Veronica Mars does. When things get to be too overwhelming, she doesn't stay and fight, she just runs away. Sometimes she says she needs to do whatever, but sometimes it's just you're out of my life forever. How can he trust that she truly loves him when she's run away from him for some of the dumbest shit on the face of the planet.

Compartmentalizing - Veronica puts everyone into labeled boxes and doesn't let them mingle. In the past that's just made him feel like he was her dirty little secret, like she was ashamed to be with him.

It's on his list, but the way she's been since they've seen each other doesn't seem like that's part of her repertoire any longer. Still, you never know if she might start doing it again. He can't survive being shoved back into a box. He wanted a life with this woman, not be her booty call.

Honesty - this was both of our faults. She didn't tell me things because she didn't want me involved, but I also kept things from her. She gave me a perfect opportunity to come clean about Madison and instead I hid it. I didn't realize it at the time, but my need to hide any perceived misdoings stems from the fear I lived with my father. I knew what Veronica had been through, I knew how much she valued the truth and instead I hid things from her. I was vague, I gave her reason to be concerned. Even knowing the reasons for why I did it doesn't excuse it. How could I expect her to trust me when I gave her no indication that I was worth of her trust.

This one is definitely something that we will have to discuss. I haven't done anything recently that I would be ashamed to tell her, but I can't say that I wouldn't do something in the future. I need to face the need for complete honesty. We've talked about this somewhat but it can't be ignored.

The list goes on, my need for her trust. My sexual history, our communication, asking for what I need, my reaction to that fucking video, understanding why everyone cheats on me, the need for actions to speak louder than words, her impossible standards, forgiveness for the past, not just lip service, but true forgiveness, and finally Lilly.

This is going to be one hell of a discussion and I'm not sure how to really start it. A part of me is terrified that if I do, I'll lose her again (see re: running away). I can't bear the thought of losing her, not now, not ever. I need her in my life, I've lived too long without her. I can only hope that she's feeling the same way and is willing to work through this with me.

Veronica

After Logan left, I pulled out the list I've been carrying around for several years. I cross a few things off that I think we've managed to cover, but the list is still fairly long.

Lilly, Logan's ability to move on so quickly, my lack of trust for him, his inability to fight for our relationship, sex, his ability to validate my fears of losing those I love, how I could never ask for what I needed, the way he never seemed to claim me except to other men, his overprotectiveness of me, the keeping of secrets.

I'm not sure how this conversation will go. I can feel all my walls coming up just thinking through talking about some of these topics. Lilly was Logan's first love. I highly doubt that he sees her in the same manipulative light that I do.

The question I ask myself is are we ready to let go of the past, learn from our mistakes and move forward into a future with one another? Am I ready to be apart from him?

I lay in the dark, thinking about the past few years and how they compare to the past few days. I can see that I've been going through the motions, pretending to be happy, but really there's been a hole all this time. Even when I dated other men, I couldn't shake that feeling that Logan wouldn't approve. He's my oldest friend and the only man I've ever truly loved. I'm not willing to give him up. I can't lose him again. While I'm scared and my instincts are telling me to run as fast as I can and avoid this upcoming conversation, my heart is screaming at me to stay put, fight, be with him.

This time I'm going to listen to my heart.