Thank you again for all your kind words!
Hereafter
Chapter 16
November 9th, 2018
Edward.
"Thank you so much for your help."
"Not a problem. I'm glad I could help." I hung up with my final client of the day and closed the laptop with a loud sigh of relief. I had a few emails to respond to, but that was it.
A knock came from the door behind me, and Esme poked her head around it with a cheerful smile. I still wasn't used to living here with my parents, especially when it came to work. Normally I would set up an office where I was sat, but with the added noises coming from both my parents I had to hide away in Dad's old office. It almost felt like I was a stranger in my own home.
"Dinner is ready if you'd like some."
"Sure. I'll, er, be through in a second."
As mom left the room, Nora ran in before she could close the door. Nora plodded over towards me and rested her head upon my lap. "Hey, girl." I scratched her ears and couldn't help but think about Bella. It had been a month since Luna came into her life, and it had been two weeks since I was last through in Forks. Luna had started her training and I received daily updates in the form of pictures or text messages. I was so proud with how far Bella has come these last few weeks, and I knew that Luna played a big part in her improvement.
"C'mon." I stood from my seat and slapped my thigh for Nora to follow me. She stayed beside me step-by-step, and when I took my place at the dining room table, the large dog collapsed by my feet, almost as though she was waiting for that moment that food fell to the floor. I can't say I'm a messy eater, but perhaps my hand will slip whilst cutting the chicken.
Carlisle professionally poured out two glasses of white wine, as I sipped on a glass of iced water. I often felt like the odd one out during family meals - everyone understands my reasons not to drink alcohol, but asking for a water when everyone asks for something alcoholic always emphasizes my differences between us all. I suppose that's another reason why I prefer to live by myself - I can live how I want without the fear of judgement.
"How is Bella coping, son? Is the puppy settling in okay?" Carlisle interrupted my thoughts. They used to ask me daily how she was doing, but now that there have been some major improvements they don't ask as much.
"Yeah, they are all doing great. Luna seems to know her job already."
Esme patted her chest with a sad smile. "Well, we know from experience the love that dogs can bring into the house. I'm so happy that she has Luna now."
"Have you noticed a change in her eating?" Carlisle will forever be a doctor, no matter whether he is retired or not.
"Unfortunately not since I last informed you. She still has her porridge for breakfast, soup for lunch, and then mashed potatoes for dinner, but she isn't eating any less, so I suppose that's a positive."
"Absolutely. She has found a menu that agrees with her, and as long as it increases her strength then there is no point in changing anything yet."
Every time I came home I always worried that she would deteriorate. I knew that Charlie would tell me if anything serious happened, and she had the distraction of Luna, but I couldn't stop my mind from wandering. I tried to talk to Bella whenever she got in contact with me, but sometimes it wasn't possible to reply straight away - especially if I was working. What does that do to her mental health? Will she start to doubt my care for her? It was never clear, and no-one will ever know what was going to happen until it happened.
Whenever I had to leave, she asked me to stay. Her teary eyes broke my heart, the calls of my name, and the way she reached out the door for me. I apologized as much as I could, but every time my car left her street I envisioned my phone ringing because I needed to return. What Bella didn't know was that I would pull over as soon as I was out of sight, and cry and cry until I had the ability to drive again.
"Edward? Are you okay?"
I looked from my plate up to the concerned faces of my parents. "What?"
"You're going to break the plate if you don't stop carving."
That was when I noticed I had continued to cut into the ceramic plate after my knife had made its way through the chicken breast. "Fuck. Sorry."
"Are you sure you're okay? You seem very distant."
I had to be honest with my parents. They wouldn't believe anything else.
I dropped my cutlery onto the plate and ran my hands through my hair roughly. "I always wonder if I'm doing the right thing."
"Doing the right thing with what, sweetheart?" Esme asked.
"I do the right thing for myself by coming home, but at what expense? Any second now I could get a phone call saying that Bella has passed out from having another panic attack. Would she still have them if I hadn't left?"
Carlisle ignored his food in order to give me his full attention. "One of the things that you need to understand is that Bella will be having these panic attacks whether you are there or not. I understand that this is tough for everybody involved, but you also need to think about yourself. What help will you be if you run yourself to the ground?"
"But she needs me! I am lucky enough to have control over my panic attacks, but this is all brand new to her."
"You may have control, but in order to keep it that way you need to relax and rest."
I let out a sarcastic laugh. "I can't relax unless I know that she is okay."
"Edward." Esme jumped into the discussion. "Why is it that you come back home?"
"Because this is where I feel comfortable." It was then that I knew what she was trying to say.
"Exactly, and what will happen if you don't feel comfortable? Your mind will take advantage and then you'll no longer have the control that you say you have."
"Bella doesn't understand that. I mean… she does, but the negative thoughts don't allow her to accept that." I sighed and downed the last of my water. "This is why I'm confused - nothing makes sense anymore and I don't know what to do."
"We cannot tell you what to do, but we can try and reassure you." Carlisle sat up straighter in his chair. "Once her dog has been trained, Bella will have the full protection that she needs. It won't be long until that happens, and then everything will seem better for all of you. Right now I suggest that you offer your comfort in any way that you can - whether that is in person or through the phone. However you also need to comfort yourself. These things will get sorted out."
0-0
At 7:50 on the dot I had a text from Bella simply saying: Are you free to talk?
I replied with: Always.
Bella went to bed at eight o'clock every night, and for the last two weeks she has asked to talk to me before she goes to sleep, but I never know whether it will be in the form of a phone call, FaceTime or text message. It all depends on how her day went and whether she wanted to speak or not. It would always start off with a text message, and then it would either continue with that, or my phone would ring.
This time, my phone rang but the tune was different than my normal ringtone. It was a FaceTime. As soon as I had accepted the call the screen lit up with an image of Luna curled up on the foot of Bella's bed with her large ears flopped over the back of her head. Plushie Nora sat between the two of them. "She looks comfy." I announced.
"Luna loves my… bed."
Through the screen I watched as Bella reached over a stroked the puppy's fluffy fur. "Did she have training today?"
"Yes."
"That's good. What did she learn?"
"More… commands."
"How has your day been?" We hadn't spoken much today, and Bella had stayed very quiet about how she felt, so now seemed like the best time to ask her.
"Okay…" I had learnt that 'okay' in Bella talk actually meant 'not great, but I managed'.
"Just okay?" Usually her answer would be 'good' or 'bad'. Instead of answering my question, Bella zoomed in on Luna's sleeping frame and found amusement in how her ears would twitch in her sleep. "Bella?" I needed to get to the bottom of this. If not for her sake, then for mine. I had to know if she was alright. Her distractions continued. She was dodging the question. "Sweetheart, what happened today?"
"I… miss you."
"I miss you, too."
"When… are you… coming back?"
I really hoped that she didn't spot the guilt that ran across my face. I needed to appear positive to her, and my current expression did not scream positivity. "I'm not sure just yet, but I don't think it'll be too long." Bella stayed very quiet. I wish she had the camera pointed at her so that I could read how she was feeling. "What's wrong?" I knew what was wrong, but we had been told by Angela to have Bella verbalize it.
Another distraction came when Luna woke up from her nap and began to pounce around on the bed. Bella's soft laughs echoed through the phone and I hoped that that meant Luna was doing her job by dismissing the negative thoughts. "She's getting big." I commented.
"Luna grows… quickly."
"It won't be long before she's fully grown." I really wanted to get back to the previous topic, but now was not the time. Bella was happy, and the last thing I wanted was for her to go to bed upset. Tomorrow I will ask her again, and hopefully receive the answer I was looking for.
"I'm tired." Bella had turned the camera on herself. She was settled under her covers with both Plushie Nora and Luna lying beside her. Her eyes were sunken and dark, emphasizing her sleepiness.
"We can end the call here and I will talk to you tomorrow, okay?" Bella simply nodded, and with her spare hand she brought the cover further up her body. "Goodnight, sweetheart."
"Goodnight."
0-0
November 10th, 2018.
Insomnia seemed to hit me last night.
I finally fell asleep at six-thirty, but my alarm was set for nine.
All night I tossed and turned trying to get comfy and to allow my mind to shut off. I opened my window, I closed my window. I kicked off the cover, and then put it back on again. I was so restless, and so exhausted, but nothing worked. My insomnia used to be really bad and I had to rely on sleeping pills in order for me to fall asleep, but then my body grew immune to them. I once went forty-two hours without closing my eyes once, and even then I couldn't sleep. I spoke to my dad about it, and wondered whether the medication could have caused this, but I needed those pills to stay sane. Unfortunately it is one of the side effects that I need to live with, and often do.
Talking about pills, I made sure to take mine this morning. I could just tell that it was going to be a tough day, and I needed all the help that I could get. I followed my usual morning routine before heading downstairs for breakfast. I was grateful to see that Esme had already brewed some coffee, so I helped myself to a mug and threw some bread into the toaster.
"Good morning, sweetheart."
I turned to see Esme coming through the back door with Nora on a leash. Nora shook her large body to rid herself of the rain that soaked her fur. "Mornin'." I mumbled.
"Do you feel better after last night?"
I turned back round to the counter as my toast popped. "Yeah, and no." I replied, tearing off the lid of the butter. "I didn't sleep very well. I think I've got too much on my mind."
"Try and distract yourself. Focus on your work and give your mind the time it needs to rest."
"Yeah - I'll do my best."
With breakfast in hand I made my way back to dad's office, where I had left my laptop from last night. Nora followed me; her company was more than welcome. She made herself comfy beside the desk chair, and without thinking I snapped a picture of the relaxed dog and sent it off to Bella with the caption: my work buddy. I hope your day goes well.
I tried to distract myself like Esme had said, and worked solidly for an hour after signing on. I helped a few people find old, deleted documents on their computers, and then I helped an elderly woman attach a photo file onto an email for her son. I really enjoyed that part about my job - this lady could have easily phoned a member of her family, or even Googled the answer, but instead she took the long way round and phoned a tech company for assistance. It felt good to help them when needed, especially when they thanked me for all my 'hard work'.
After my first hour was up, I checked my phone to see that Bella had replied to my message of Nora (who was still lying peacefully at my feet). Bella had also taken a picture, this one was of Luna in her harness with the leash attached. Her caption was much longer than mine.
I slept well. Luna is off for her training session and I'm about to have a bath. Angela is coming back today, so I'll let you know how that goes. Tell Nora that I miss her cuddles. And yours.
It always amazed me when I received messages from Bella. I knew that she had those words in her head, but it always blew my mind when I saw them written out in front of me. It told me that she wanted to speak - she wanted to say those thoughts out loud. Hopefully one day she'll have the ability to do just that.
I replied to her message as I helped myself to another coffee. The first one was not enough.
Nora follows me everywhere just now - perhaps she's thinking that you'll be here too? I'm looking forward to the day that we can take both dogs on a walk. How did Luna's session go? She looked very smart in her harness.
That was how our messages went for majority of the day. I always informed her when I had to get back to work, but whenever I took a break I would reply to whatever it was that she had said. Bella informed me that Luna now knew a few basic commands and was in the process of learning the difference between 'come' and 'here'. Apparently those two similar commands mean something completely different to a service dog. Bella also needed to know the difference. If she was to say 'come', Luna needed to sit on Bella's preferred side in a heel position. If she said 'here', Luna just needed to come up to Bella - she didn't need to sit, and it didn't have to be on a particular side.
It was like a whole new language that Bella needed to learn. I had seen the list and descriptions of the thirty commands that Luna will learn, and even I was confused by them all. The reading material gave Bella something to do during the day, and I know how much she loves learning, so I can imagine that this is the perfect distraction for her.
At two o'clock I took a lunch break - I made a sub sandwich out of whatever we had in the refrigerator. Once again, I had another message from Bella, but this one was different than the others. Do you want to see her improvement? Is all she wrote, and then attached a video. I was quick to hit the play button, and I'm not ashamed to say that my eyes welled up with tears of happiness. Tears of pride. The video must have been filmed by Charlie. Bella sat at the edge of the couch with Luna playing about on the floor.
"Luna… watch me." Instantly the puppy stopped playing and stared straight at her owner. "Sit." With her eyes still on Bella, Luna dropped down her backside. "Lie…" Again, she followed every command but never broke eye-contact. When Bella finally said "Luna… up!" Bella congratulated Luna by giving her a treat. Instantly the puppy broke from her trance and returned to running around the living room floor. The video ended there, however I rewatched it several times. Not only did it show Luna's improvement, but also Bella's. Her speech was slow, but she spoke those commands without thinking. I think that is what made me cry the most.
I am so incredibly proud of both of you. I cannot wait to see that in person.
0-0
I'm certain I received more phone calls than emails today. Every time I found myself with a spare five minutes, it would ring again. Majority of the time it was either people I work with, or those who needed my help, which I'm fine with, however sometimes I would like some peace for a minute.
Said peace was found at five o'clock - an hour before I was due to sign off. I grabbed some food and a drink from the kitchen, and replied to a couple emails that had pinged through. Unfortunately, my phone rang once again, but this time it was Emmett calling. I relaxed back into the chair as I answered his call.
"Hey, Emmett."
"Are you at home?" His tone had lost the usual cheeriness that it normal held. I instantly began to panic. What's happened? Is something wrong?
"Yeah. Well, I'm at mom and dad's."
"Okay. I'm going to come over on my way back from the station."
"Is… something wrong?"
Emmett hesitated, which is never a good sign. "Er… not sure. I'll explain everything when I get there."
We ended the call then. I was quick to sign off on the laptop in order to mentally prepare myself for his arrival. I couldn't work out what was so important that it would need to be said in person? Every other time it has been said over the phone. Why is it any different now?
Emmett turned up at the house twenty minutes after our call. I had practically paced a whole in the floor from my constant worrying and the inability to stand still. Seeing as he had just come from work, Emmett was dressed in his full work attire along with his heavy duty boots and large outdoor jacket. Esme greeted her son like always, and said that we were free to use the living room if needed.
"Can you please tell me what the fuck is going on." Like with Bella, Nora had caught onto my agitation and stayed by my side incase I needed her. I definitely did at that moment.
Emmett slouched forward with his elbows braced against his knees. "You don't need to overreact, baby brother, but it is important that I pass on this information."
Easier said than done.
"Overreact about what? What is it that you are trying to tell me?"
Emmett sighed deeply, and rubbed away at the back of his neck. "You know how we set up surveillance at your house to keep track of James' whereabouts?"
"Yes…?" I didn't like the sound of this. I tapped my knee in order for Nora to place her head on my lap. I needed that soft comfort.
"There has been movement from him, and he has been seen in that area and around your house briefly which tells us that he is still living in that building."
The idea that that asshole had been lurking around my house made me feel physically sick. No doubt he was looking for Bella - he wouldn't let his game of cat and mouse finish. "Why can't you just arrest him? It's obvious that he is living in the place where Bella was held captive, and where Victoria was murdered!" Honestly, the rules and regulations really pissed me off sometimes.
"I understand your frustration - believe me, we're feeling the same way. When it was clear that that is where he lives, we went to arrest him. He never confessed to committing a crime when we spoke to him, but now that we have the evidence of him living there, it's enough for us to bring him in."
"Brilliant. So, he's off the streets now?"
Once again, Emmett sighed. "…No."
Of course not. It was never going to be that easy. "Why not?" I don't think I wanted to hear his answer, but I had to.
"When we got there, he was nowhere to be seen. We had a full search party out looking for him, and we kept an eye on the cameras, but there has been no sighting of him. Yesterday we entered the ballet studio, and he has literally packed up and left."
My foot bounced on the floor as the agitation took over. Mixed with the little sleep that I was running on, meant I was very close to having a panic attack. I took some deep breaths to control myself before asking: "where is he?"
My hands shook violently, my heart felt like it was going to burst right out of my chest. I felt the cold sweat that covered my body, but no matter how much I focused on my breathing, nothing seemed to work. I was terrified.
The next thing I recall was Carlisle kneeling beside me with a glass of water and two pink pills in the palm of his hand. He didn't need to tell me what to do, he also didn't need to tell me what had happened. For the first time in a long time, I had lost control.
"Are you okay, Edward?" He asked me soothingly with one hand on my shoulder.
I rested my head back against the seat and, with my eyes closed, I took five deep breaths. "I'm okay." I whispered.
"Just remember what you were taught."
I didn't remember a lot about my therapy sessions, but I did remember one thing. The Five Steps routine.
5 things that you can see.
4 things that you can touch.
3 things that you can hear.
2 things that you can smell.
1 thing that you can taste.
With the double dosage and the Five Steps I had managed to calm myself down enough in order to continue the conversation with Emmett.
"Are you good?" He asked with concern.
"I'm good."
"Are you sure you can continue?"
"Yes." I needed an answer - I needed to know what Emmett had to say.
"Okay. So you asked me where he is. That is why I'm here… we don't know where he is, but we do have a suspicion."
"He's in Forks." It didn't take a genius to work that one out.
"Now, we have informed Forks PD and I personally phoned Charlie myself so they all know to keep a look-out."
I drank some of my water to help with the dry throat that had appeared. Thankfully the medication was taking affect, so it will calm down a panic attack if one appeared. "What about Bella?"
Emmett adjusted the way he sat and scratched behind his ear. "She has not been told, and will not be told."
I couldn't work out if that was the best thing or not. Her trances and nightmares are bad enough as it is, so is it best that she was unaware? "Do we definitely know that he is there?" I spoke through my clenched teeth.
"No. There is a chance that he might have left all of this behind; because he knew that we are after him, in which case he could be half way across the country by now."
I knew my brother well - I could decode his words. "You think that is very unlikely."
Emmett cleared his throat with a light cough. "Bella once mentioned something about how this is his obsession. I don't think he'll stop until he has won."
Won. Like Bella is some damn trophy. The nauseated feeling returned.
"Okay. So where do we go from here?" I asked.
"There are a few ways for him to get there - mainly bus, train or car. We are watching on all the security cameras for public transport, but if he drove we have mapped out the various routes he could take and are keeping a close eye on the gas stations. Unfortunately there is not a lot that we can do, but we are informing whoever we can to get his name and mugshot out there."
He was now a wanted man, and I would love nothing more than to beat his face to a pulp. Sick fuck.
"What can I do? How can I help?"
Emmett shrugged. "That is completely up to yourself. You can either stay here and I'll inform you whenever I have an update, or you can head to Forks."
It didn't take me long to decide what I wanted to do, but I had some queries of my own that needed to be answered first. "You said there has been no sign of him; how long has he been 'off the radar' for?"
"Two days. Yesterday we noticed he had vanished from the building, and between then and now we have been trying to track down the fucker. Before you ask - Charlie was informed yesterday."
"So he could be in Forks right now?"
"Technically yes, he could. But again - we're doing what we can to hunt him down."
"Why was he not been seen before now? It has been two months since you put up those damn cameras!"
Emmett sighed and slapped his hands against his the arms of the chair. "Edward, I don't know where he was, or what he has been doing. We have been keeping a close eye on all surveillance, and as soon as he was spotted, we made a move."
I apologized to Emmett for my crappy attitude. He was only doing his job, but I was sick with worry and had allowed my frustration to take over. "I'm going to drive back to Forks, just incase. Should I maybe take Nora? Y'know, for back up protection?"
It was more of a question for myself, but Emmett answered it anyway. "You can if you want, but Bella has her own dog now."
"Luna is a puppy." She wouldn't know to warn them of any danger.
"Fair enough. But remember, Charlie is a cop with guns - they are protected."
No matter what Emmett had said, I knew the right answer.
Esme was okay with my sudden decision, she told me to stay safe and to phone her daily. After packing a duffle bag with clothes and other items, I didn't delay leaving any longer. I wanted this to be a surprise to Bella, so I told her that I had conference call round about seven-thirty which unfortunately would mean I would miss her daily call before bed.
Before I hit the road I called Charlie.
"Edward."
I filled up my flask with a strong black coffee and held my phone between my ear and shoulder as I spoke. "Emmett has just informed me on the… changes. I'm leaving right now, so I won't be at the house until eleven, if that is okay?"
"Of course. Thank you, I really appreciate the effort you're making."
Like I had any other option.
"I just hope you don't mind having two dogs at the house. Nora is coming with me."
0-0
I know some people are funny about service dogs being around 'regular' dogs, however this is a work of fiction, and I would literally get shouted at in my reviews if I didn't have Nora go with him.
So… a lot happened in that chapter, and we learnt a little bit more about Edward's daily suffering. Fun fact, his talk about insomnia is all me. I suffer with it on a daily basis, and sleeping pills no longer work for me after my doctor had prescribed them to me. I also follow the Five Steps - it was taught to me during my therapy sessions. Woo!
What do you think about the ending? Has Edward made the right decision?