Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts or Final Fantasy characters. Or any name brands/restaurants/retail places used. The non-video game characters are my own and the plot is all mine and is based on true personal experience.
Chapter 22: Implosion
Haunted by the way her body reacted to Riku's simple touch on the first day of class, Kairi worked even harder to avoid being alone with Sora the next day. This was the first time such a thing had ever happened since her relationship with Sora started—she'd never so much as found herself admiring another guy's looks. Sora truly had been her one and only focus.
She called Naminé in a panic.
"It happens," Naminé said, not worried at all. "It just means your honeymoon phase is truly over. Every person in a serious relationship has secret sexual fantasies about someone besides their significant other, it's human nature and it's normal. It doesn't mean they love their partner any less."
"Did you miss the part where I said it's Riku?" Kairi asked. "How can you not see that this is a disaster?"
"I think it's especially normal because it's Riku," Naminé said. "C'mon, Kairi, you spent all of middle and high school pining over him and hoping he'd ask you out, and you never got closure with him. Of course you're still curious about him."
"I could have gone the rest of my life without seeing his stupid face and been happy," Kairi muttered. "Why did he come back now, of all times? It's like he schemed it."
"Sometimes life is just funny like that," Naminé said. "Take this time to get the closure you never got. Maybe you two could be friends again. And you're probably still idealizing him as the Riku you knew back then. Maybe once you get to know him as he is now this little crush you have will fizzle out and you'll be able to have a normal friendship with him."
Kairi hoped she was right.
On Wednesday, Riku was 10 minutes late to class again. Kairi found herself hoping he'd decided to drop or that he just wouldn't show up.
"Crap," he said, rather loudly after he'd sat down and started to get situated. "I forgot my lab workbook, wanna let me look at yours with you?"
Kairi rolled her eyes and begrudgingly shoved her workbook over. Ten minutes late each day and unable to remember to bring basic supplies? She started to doubt he was an A student as he'd claimed. She'd pushed her book over pretty far, but he still leaned in uncomfortably close.
To her relief, he didn't pursue her over lunch break, and the second half of class went over uneventfully.
When she got home, she took out her workbook to fill out the weekend's assignment, and only then noticed that Riku had doodled a variety of smiley faces on the edges of the pages.
"What in the hell?" She said to herself. Was this his way of flirting? She couldn't tell because Riku had developed a flirty nature that he used with every girl, including Kairi, at the ripe age of 13. It was hard to tell when he was just being friendly flirty or when he was flirting for real—one of the traps she'd fallen for back then.
She wanted to tell Sora. My lab partner is flirting with me. She just wanted to see how he would react. She could never bring herself to tell him who her lab partner was, though. There was no doubt in her mind he wouldn't be happy to find out she would be spending so much time with her first love. By the same token, there was nothing she could do about it, so he would have no grounds to be upset with her. Maybe him knowing would make him feel threatened enough to force him to move forward with commitment. After all, finding out she'd been on a date with Zidane was what had kickstarted him to get back in touch with her when they were broken up. Jealousy was a powerful weapon.
She felt ashamed of her thoughts. She knew deep down that using jealousy to force Sora into an ultimatum was a bogus move, but she was getting desperate. They were creeping up on five years together and the only sign she'd gotten that her dream future was possible was the brief ring shopping trip he'd taken her on out of guilt.
Then there was the matter of why she had begun avoiding Sora before running into Riku. She'd been feeling lousy about the relationship—telling him she loved him was suddenly difficult and the idea of marriage wasn't as thrilling as it had been 6 months ago. She was sure that she only felt these things because it was wearing her down that Sora seemed to be dragging his feet. After a few days of limited contact with him, she was starting to miss him. That had to be a good sign, right? She decided she would welcome him home that night with a homecooked meal and a kiss. Perhaps a little passion would solve all of her problems.
Roxas had informed her he'd be out for the night and sleeping over at a friend's house, so she took advantage of the privacy and put on a black lace babydoll just before she was expecting Sora home. She had already eaten and she had a plate of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and corn fixed up for him, ready to be reheated.
Sora was pleasantly surprised when he walked in the door. Kairi greeted him with a fiery kiss, just as she'd told herself she would. Sora grabbed a gentle yet firm handful of her hair and firmly planted his other hand on her rear, pulling her as close against him as he could manage. She was pleasantly relieved by the warmth she felt in her groin, spreading down to her toes, as his tongue explored her mouth.
"I have to get your plate warmed up," she panted as she pulled away.
"It can wait," Sora said with a wicked grin. "I have a different type of hunger that needs attention first." He scooped Kairi into his arms and carried her toward the bedroom.
Afterward, as Sora was shoveling his dinner down, Kairi sat quietly, her mind consumed with guilt. She didn't feel any better. Sora may have successfully ignited the passion within her, but she'd still found her mind wandering to Riku during the act.
She didn't know what on Earth she was going to do about this.
XXXXXX
The following Monday, she was positive Riku was making a pass at her.
The professor put some pictures on the projector screen, and Kairi took out her phone to take pictures of them so she could refer to them for her homework later.
Riku leaned over to whisper to her, "yo, you should text those pictures to me."
She wrinkled her nose. There was no way he wasn't coming onto her at this point. He could just copy her and take the pictures himself on his phone. He didn't need her to text them to him.
Her persisted when they broke for lunch. He practically chased her out of the classroom.
"Here's my number so you can send me those pics," he said smoothly. "Plus, maybe we can set up some time to study for the first exam together."
Kairi snatched the little piece of paper he offered her and shoved it in her pocket. "We'll see," she said dismissively.
Once they reached the cafeteria, she moved to head towards the sandwich cooler, but he grabbed her by the elbow.
"You see those guys on that bench back there?" He nodded his head in the direction they had just come from.
Without trying to appear too obvious, Kairi looked toward where he'd gestured. There were two guys their age seated on a bench, each sitting next to a pretty girl.
"Yeah, so?" she asked, unsure of what his point was.
"When you walked by, you totally distracted them from talking to their girlfriends. I watched their heads follow you down the hall."
Kairi blushed. "Huh? No, you must have imagined it."
"I did not! They were totally checking out your butt. Boy, the girls sure did look mad."
She immediately became aware of the short shorts she'd chosen to wear that day, preparing for a day of hot weather, then wondered if Riku had been looking too.
She mentally slapped herself. Bad. Focus.
XXXXXX
When she got home, she argued with herself for a couple of hours, and then caved in. She added Riku's number to her contacts and forwarded him her pictures from class. In less than a few minutes, he responded with, Thanks, friend. A couple minutes after that, he sent her an animal meme. Then, a few minutes after that, one last text that sent Kairi's heart racing and her mind into turmoil.
By the way, nice butt.
She made a decision right there. She had to tell Sora. She, for whatever reason, was finding it difficult to ignore her obvious lasting attraction to her prior best friend, much less stand up to him and tell him to knock his flirting off. Sora would help. She figured if she told him everything while leaving some tiny details out, he would be jealous and want to have a chat with Riku himself. He'd intimidate Riku, and then she would be safe. Then she could talk to her professor about swapping tables with someone else so she wouldn't have to work with Riku anymore.
She counted down the minutes until Sora's arrival, and braced herself for whatever can of worms this discussion was about to open.
But when Sora arrived home, he looked very grim. He didn't so much as offer her a grin, and he seemed unwilling to make eye contact with her. Her nerves began to shrivel. Did he suspect something? She had been acting strange lately, and he hadn't confronted her about it yet.
"We've gotta talk," he said, sounding sad.
"Oh?" She attempted to sound surprised. Shit. He definitely knew something was up.
Sora changed his clothes to something more casual, and Kairi noticed he'd come home empty-handed today. This was the first night she could remember in months that he hadn't brought beer home with him. Suddenly she wondered if he was actually going to initiate the conversation about his developing alcoholism. Relief bloomed in her chest at the thought.
Sora offered her a hand. "Take a walk with me. It's cooling down outside."
She accepted and they left the apartment and started down the street together. Kairi wondered if from an outside perspective they looked happy—or at least normal. On the inside she was falling apart. She wondered if he was doing the same.
They stayed quiet for a long time, just absorbing the pleasant twilight breeze and the smells of freshly cut lawns, blooming flowers, and rain approaching somewhere on the horizon.
Finally, Sora cleared his throat and spoke. "I didn't ever want to lead you on, Kairi. I still don't."
Those words as an icebreaker normally would've chilled Kairi to the bone, but she rather found herself further thankful that he wasn't about to accuse her of cheating on him.
He continued. "I've been thinking for a long time. Ever since we first talked about getting engaged. The idea was nice, and then when we went to look at the rings…it just became so real. And I didn't know what I wanted to do. I've been mulling over that this whole time. Just trying to figure out what I really want, and what the right decision is." He took in a deep breath and waited for her to take in what he'd said so far before continuing. "Well, I know it's taken a long time, and I'm sorry for that, but I finally figured it out. I know what I want."
"Oh, God," Kairi started to panic. Was he going to propose? He could not have possibly picked a worse time for this.
"And, I know what I don't want." He stopped walking and diverted his gaze to the sky briefly, before finally making eye contact with Kairi for the first time that evening. "Kairi…I don't want to be married. At all. Ever. It's just not something I think I believe in." He sighed. "And I don't want kids. Ever. I have zero interest in being a father. Even to my own half-sister."
"B-but…those are literally the only two things I want." Kairi stuttered. "Those are my dreams, Sora."
He frowned. "I know."
"So…are you saying you want to break up? Couldn't you have led with that?" She felt frustrated, hurt, and betrayed, despite the other emotions she'd been feeling before.
"No, because I don't want to break up." Sora caught her gaze again. "I still fucking love you, Kairi. But I can't go against what I feel in regard to marriage and parenthood. We don't have to break up…we could be happy like this. I promise."
Kairi gritted her teeth. "That is not fucking fair, Sora, and you know it. You can't ask me to give up everything I want, everything I've dreamed of since I was a teenager, to fit your mold. You can't just have what you want and ignore my feelings. You are being so incredibly selfish."
Sora reached to his hair and pulled at it in distress. "I know!" he blurted. "I know it's selfish of me, but I have to ask, right? I'm just telling you I don't want to get married and have kids. But I still love you, and I still want you. It's up to you to make the decision from this point on. You can either stay and we will make this work the way it is…or you'll leave. And my heart will be fucking crushed, but I'll understand." He reached for her hands again. "Please, just at least think about staying. I don't want you to go."
Kairi jerked away from him, refusing to allow him to touch her. "I…I don't know. I need to think about things."
He looked at her sadly, his eyes pleading with her. "Okay. I really hope you'll choose me…I don't want this to be the end of us."
If only he knew there was so much more behind that statement than he realized.
She spent all of Monday night and Tuesday mulling over her options. Those nights, she didn't go to bed with Sora. Instead, she stayed up in the living room on the couch, texting Riku about silly, nonsensical things until two in the morning. She knew that what she was doing was wrong, but she also knew what she had to do. She silently crept into bed beside a heavily sleeping Sora, and fell asleep, confident in her decision.
XXXXXX
The confidence didn't last. The next morning, the realization of what she was about to do hit her hard and fast. Sora was her first love—years of memories, both good and bad, were not easy to walk away from.
He was in the kitchen, fixing a mug of coffee. He turned to acknowledge her and smiled at her brightly. "You need coffee before class?"
He was so sweet, and so much like his old self, that she couldn't help herself. A dam within her broke and the tears started to pour down her face like waterfalls. "I can't do it," she sobbed.
His face fell as he realized what she was saying.
"I'm sorry. Or, maybe I'm not. I don't know. The thought of giving this up—of giving us up—is more painful that I ever imagined. Even before, I think I had such hope in my heart that we'd get back together that our breakup didn't hurt this badly. But I can't go along with this. I want to get married. I want to be someone's wife. I want to be a mom. So, if you're sure you don't want those things…I can't be with you."
Kairi turned on her heel and practically fled the apartment. She didn't really want to go to class but staying there was worse, and she wasn't ready to call either of her parents and announce that she and Sora were breaking up again.
When she pulled into her parking spot at school, she checked herself in the mirror. She looked awful. Her face was red and puffy and tear streaked, and there was no way the evidence would go away in the next 10 minutes. She scrubbed at her face trying anything she could to make it less obvious she'd been crying, but it was in vain. She finally accepted defeat, and just hoped that the other students wouldn't notice her, or, if they did, they'd leave her alone.
She sat on the floor against the wall outside of her classroom, waiting for the professor to arrive and unlock the door. In this position, it was easy for her to hide her face from her peers. Once she made it into the classroom, she'd be sitting in the back and no one would look at her.
Of course, life was never that easy. As she sat with her arms circled around her head, someone tapped her on the shoulder firmly.
She raised her head and looked up, but no one was there. She rolled her eyes as she realized she'd fallen for one of the oldest jokes on the planet. She looked across the hall and saw Riku standing there, smirking at her. Of all the days for him to start showing up to class on time, he had to pick this one.
It only took a moment for the sight of her miserable face to register, and his smirk disappeared and was replaced with concern. He mouthed to her, you okay? She just shook her head in response.
Once they'd been let into the classroom, Kairi retreated to her seat, silently praying that
Riku would just let her be for today.
He didn't.
"You wanna talk about it?" he asked quietly, taking his seat beside her.
She shook her head again. "I don't think—I just can't." She barely managed the words before she felt tears welling up again.
Riku accepted this. "Okay," he said. He reached for her lab book and flipped it open and doodled another smiley face on the corner of the page, then took out his phone to scroll on it until the lecture officially started.
Kairi heard her phone start buzzing in her pocket but ignored it. She just knew that it was Sora, calling to beg her to talk this over with him. What was there to talk about? He'd told her how he felt. He didn't want the same things she did. She'd been beginning to doubt her happiness in the relationship in the first place, and now she was forced to face the fact that if she stayed with him she would have to abandon her dream of getting married and having kids so that he could have his dream instead. She was resentful of the idea already, and at this point it was just hypothetical.
The lecture started, and she was glad to have something else to focus on.
Riku nudged her leg with his gently. "Check your phone," he whispered.
With a reluctant sigh, she did so. Waiting for her in her text messages was a picture of a smiling puppy so small it could have fit in a teacup. She quietly snorted in amusement and looked over to Riku with a watery smile. He may have changed over the years, but deep down there was a part of him that was still the same. That part of him still knew exactly what she needed to feel better.
She'd been awfully cruel to him the last couple of weeks. Sure, some of it was justified, but at this point in time he was genuinely trying to be a friend. She made her up her mind to sit with him at lunch and tell him what was wrong, to let him back in to her life a little.
When their professor dismissed them, he moved to leave the classroom, but she caught his wrist to stop him. His eyes widened with surprise.
Kairi found herself suddenly embarrassed. Her pep talk to herself had made her bold enough to reach for him, but she was stumbling over what to do next.
"Sit with me today," she finally blurted, her face reddening.
Riku looked even more surprised, but slowly nodded, pulling her alongside him in the direction of the classroom door.
Once they'd grabbed some lunch from the café, they walked outside to a patio table. It was much quieter outside, away from all the bustling students. The sun was warm but not too hot, and the air smelled of flowers and newly cut grass. It was comforting to Kairi.
"So," Riku broke the silence casually. "Are you feeling better?"
Kairi picked at her salad with a fork uneasily. "Yes, but really no." She wasn't sure how to put her feelings into words. "I mean, I'm still feeling pretty broken. But I can't cry anymore. I suppose I ran out of tears." She laughed nervously.
"Well, who made you cry? I'll deal with them." He winked at her.
She laughed again half-heartedly. "It's my boyfriend. Well, that is, I guess he's about to become my ex-boyfriend."
Riku raised an eyebrow. "Why is that?"
"We don't agree on our future, I guess? Like, I really want the happy family thing. I want to get married. I want to be a mom. He doesn't want either of those things. He just wants to be in a band and play music and have a girlfriend he doesn't have to commit to."
"Hmm." Riku took a pause to drink out of a water bottle. "I'm sorry. That sucks. No way for you guys to come to a compromise and work it out?"
"What compromise could we have?" She shook her head sadly. "Any path that ends with us still together ends with one of us giving up on what we want."
She met Riku's eyes, and he was staring at her so hard it felt like he was peering into her soul. "Is that true, though?" he asked. "What if he had a band and did music while you guys are still young, and then you get married down the line, and then think about kids? Being a dude myself, it's hard to picture myself with a wife and kid right now. But I don't know how I'll feel when I'm 30. I'm sure I'll want to pass my legacy on, you know? He might be the same way."
If someone had asked Kairi if she thought Riku could say something so wise a few days ago, she wouldn't have hesitated to say no.
"That is…surprisingly sound perspective," she admitted out loud. "Unfortunately, I don't think Sora will see it that way. He expressed that he never wants kids. He doesn't believe in marriage, whatever that means. He won't look at the big picture and think about whether he will feel differently five years from now." She pushed her food away. "It's just hard to think about leaving and starting over. I've been with him for so long. I guess I just hoped he'd love me enough to want to make a forever promise to me. But he doesn't."
Riku frowned. "That's not fair to him, Kairi. I'm sure he does love you, an awful lot," he countered. "But ultimately, that's just not enough sometimes. If you don't want the same things, then you're just not compatible. But it doesn't have to mean he doesn't love you."
"Still." Kairi cast her eyes toward the sky, finally feeling at peace with her decision after talking to Riku. "The clock has run out on us. It's time for me to move on."
XXXXXX
Sora was home when Kairi arrived back. She had forgotten he was off of work for the day. As she walked through the door, he hurried over to greet her.
"Hey! How was your class?"
She just stared at him. He was acting overly cheerful, like he was trying to pretend their conversation that morning hadn't happened.
"It was okay, I guess."
"Awesome! I hope you didn't make any plans for this weekend, because I got something lined up for us!"
Kairi's heart dropped to her knees. "Sora…" He really was acting like nothing had happened.
He didn't miss a beat. "Your dad texted earlier, said your family is having a party at the beach this weekend! We gotta join them! It'll be so much fun. I put in for some vacation time."
She was torn. He seemed so happy right now, so much like his old self. So much like the Sora she loved so dearly and had been yearning for. She couldn't just crush his good mood.
Riku's words echoed in her mind. No way for you guys to come to a compromise and work it out? He does love you, an awful lot.
Maybe he'd been right. Maybe Sora was just too young to see the big picture. Maybe he'd come around. Maybe she needed to let the threat of her really leaving this time sink in over the weekend before packing her things up.
With a little effort, she managed to smile back at Sora. "Okay," she agreed. "Let's go."
XXXXXX
The remaining weekdays passed by uneventfully. Friday afternoon, Kairi and Sora loaded up a weekend's worth of luggage into Sora's car and began the two hour drive to her grandparents' house, located on a beautiful chunk of oceanfront beach.
They made small talk, joked around, and laughed together. It was so strange. Lately, Sora had felt more like a roommate than a boyfriend. Now, here he was acting like her best friend again. She was sure his behavior was partially exaggerated—after all, there was no way he'd just flipped a switch and taken his personality for a 180-degree spin.
The thought made her uncomfortable. If her instincts rang true, he was manipulating her, throwing on a façade to keep her reeled in. The second she faltered, he'd resume what had become his normal behavior.
Well, she wouldn't let him. She was in control now. If she wanted to stay, she would. If she wanted to go, she would.
Riku sent her a comforting text during the car ride. Chin up, girlie. Hang in there.
Thanks, she typed back. He's in a pretty good mood. Wonder how long it'll last.
Riku's reply came instantly. If he gets cranky just use your charm. You know what I mean. No guy could stay mad with that at his disposal. Attached to the end of the message was a winking emoji and a peach emoji.
Kairi flushed and shrunk down in her seat, hiding her phone screen from Sora's peripheral vision as she tapped out her reply. You'd be surprised. He doesn't appreciate my charm.
That's unfortunate. To be frank, I wish I could.
If it were possible for her to turn any redder, she would. She was thankful for the traffic jam that was directing all of Sora's attention so he didn't notice.
When the ride was finally over, they unloaded their things into the guest room in her grandparents' house, and then took a seat in the living room to fill her grandparents in on what they were up to. As the conversation meandered, Kairi found herself consistently distracted, as her phone kept lighting up with texts from Riku. He was forwarding memes to her again, only this time, they weren't all funny animals. Some of them were quite flirty in nature, even bordering on sexual.
She thought she was doing a good job at keeping a poker face, until her grandmother spoke up.
"Who's got you smiling like that, sweetheart?"
Kairi blushed for the nth time that day. She recalled her grandmother asking that same question years ago when she'd first met Sora. She conjured up a lie on the spot, though she knew deep in her heart her grandmother wouldn't buy it. "Oh, it's just a girlfriend of mine. She sent me something really funny."
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Sora staring down at her phone in her lap, a frown etched on his handsome face. Crap. Had he seen?
He stood up quickly and stretched. "Boy, after all that sitting in traffic, I think I could use a stroll." He headed for the front door of the house, then paused and looked back over his shoulder at her. "Care to join me?"
She swallowed a lump that had formed in her throat. He knew. He had to. At least he had the decency not to make a scene in front of her grandparents. She sighed, bracing herself as she got up to follow him.
Once they were outside and walking up the sidewalk toward the street, he spoke.
"Kairi, what is going on?" His voice was low and calm, but in a dangerous way that made her shiver even in the sweltering island heat.
For whatever reason, although she knew exactly what he was asking her, her brain fumbled and went for the denial. "What do you mean? Something wrong?"
He stopped short. "Seriously? Spill, about the guy."
Logic failed her again. "I really don't know what you mean, Sora."
She could hear him grinding his teeth with annoyance. "Please, don't insult me like this. Who is the guy you're texting?"
"It's really not what you think," she blurted out. "He's a friend. My lab partner."
He stared down at her, his eyes blazing. "Your lab partner is sending you dirty memes?"
She cringed. Apparently, she hadn't been as sneaky as she thought. "They're jokes," she said lamely.
"Okay," he retorted, his tone sarcastic. "There's just one problem with that, though."
She was afraid to ask. "Oh?"
"The guy you told me about when we first met. The one you were in love with. His name was Riku, yeah? So is the Riku flirting with you on your phone the same Riku that broke your heart in high school?"
Oh. She'd temporarily forgotten that Sora knew Riku's name.
"Yes," she said meekly.
Sora's nostrils flared. "Un-fucking-believable," he muttered. "You know, you're quite the hypocrite. I can't believe you'd come at me accusing me of having an affair with my employee and then turn around and do this shit."
Kairi's mouth dropped open. "Wait, you think I'm cheating? I'm not! Yeah, he's flirting with me, but that's all! I didn't want you to know he was in my class because I knew you'd react like this."
The anger in Sora's face dissipated, replaced with sadness. "It doesn't matter if you're not cheating," he said, his voice heavy with despair. "You want to. I can tell by the way your face lights up when you read his messages."
He turned and walked off, leaving her behind.
Author's note: Spoiler alert, Riku/Kairi content coming up in future chapters. Sorry, not sorry. Remember, everything happens for a reason! On a positive note, this fic might last longer than I originally thought. I'm also considering crossposting this fic to something like AO3 to try and get more feedback on my writing. If I do that, I'll need to rewrite the first 8/9 chapters. Thoughts?