RACHEL
We've been married for almost a year now, and while I was perfectly happy before becoming his wife, I know now that I could never have been as truly whole as I feel now. Sure, things aren't always perfect. Just because we're married doesn't mean I'm not still my own person, and that means that we do still clash at times. Paul of course is always trying to make up for it afterwards, and while it's touching, sometimes I have to remind him that it's okay for us to agree to disagree. It doesn't change our love in the slightest. Certainly not in my eyes.
But lately I've been thinking about other things. About us as a married couple, as an actual family. We've never really discussed it before, about having kids, and I've come to realise that I have absolutely no idea what he thinks about it. I mean, I'm not entirely sure about how I feel about it either, to be honest. Before I met him, I'd always told myself that I wouldn't take Rebecca's road and end up being a mom with no life. I wanted a career and maybe a good guy, so long as I got to maintain some sense of independence.
It's been quite a while since then, though, and opinions change. Because now I couldn't be more positive about wanting to share my entire life with Paul. I'm happy with where we're at right now. We're a lot more stable financially now, especially since I got a promotion. And emotionally, we couldn't be better. So I think, well, I'd like to have his children. Maybe not right now, really, just hopefully not never. But neither of us has really expressed any interest in it, so I'm wondering if it's ever going to be something that's going to happen for us. A part of me is starting to worry that maybe this is where our age difference is going to come into play.
The whole thing has been occupying my thoughts so much that last night I fell asleep and ended up dreaming about it, about us having a family. When I woke up, I can't remember what happened, or how many kids there were, or if they were boys or girls, but I know we had them. This can't go on forever, I need to get this out of my system.
I open my eyes to find him already awake and looking down at me, a calmness in his eyes. It's a calmness that I like to see and isn't often there when he's busy and stressed out. "Morning, handsome," I greet him with a smile, moving closer to him, resting my cheek against his chest. It's a Sunday today so neither of us are working, and he doesn't have to go on patrol until later in the day. We take the opportunity to just snuggle together and enjoy each other's company.
But lying there in silence has gotten me thinking again, so after a while, I decide that this is as good a time as any to bring it up. "Paul?" I begin, still pressed close to his chest. "I had this dream last night. It wasn't the first time, actually…" I look up briefly to see if he's actually still awake, if he's listening. "I don't remember the details, but we were kind of… we kind of had a family." I try not to sound too hopeful or too expectant, in case it's not what he wants. "I've been thinking… we've never really talked about it before."
PAUL
Rachel's eyes meet mine as she wakes up. And I smile at her. A sense of calm filling me. Ever since we've been married. I usually feel calm. Totally and completely calm. She brings that to me. She brings me a sense of peace. I love her, more than I can say in words, for all the things that she knows she does for me and for all the things that she doesn't know she does for me.
As she moves closer to me, I open my arms and pull her in tightly. We just enjoy the closeness in silence. Me caressing her hair, kissing her temple, studying her face. I just can't get enough of her. I need to drink her in.
She starts to tell me about some dream she had and I give her a small encouraging smile. She seems nervous to talk about it, which I'm not sure about. Why would she be nervous? Was it because one of us was hurt or dead in her dream? Because I wasn't going to let that happen anytime soon.
She finally spits it out. We had a family. And man is this a heavy first thing in the morning conversation. My eyebrows furrow. Truth is, I don't know if that's a step that I'm ready for. But I don't want to deny her something that would make her happy either. And her eyes betray her. She tries not to sound too serious. Like she's not hopeful. But she is. Which puts me in a really hard position. "How do you feel about it? Is that what you want, Rach?"
RACHEL
His response doesn't serve to bring me any closer to getting an idea about what he thinks. I hesitate to answer. I don't want him to say that he would like it too just because I do. I don't want him to agree to anything just for the sake of pleasing me. It wouldn't feel right. I try to carefully calculate my answer. "I think I do. I think I would like that," I admit quietly, tracing the tip of my finger along his arm distractedly. "But I'm happy where we are, so if you don't want it, then it's not something we have to have." I look up at him, trying to work out how he feels about this, consciously reminding myself not to be disappointed if he takes me up on that. I shouldn't be, because I love him and he loves me, and right now, that's all that really matters. "How do you feel about it?" I ask him back.
PAUL
She tells me that she thinks she might. That she likes where we are too. That she loves me. That it's okay either way. She chooses her words carefully. So I try to do the same with mine, without hurting her feelings, because I can see through her diplomatic answer. She wants kids. I kiss her lightly.
"I love you too, Rach," I begin. And the truth is that I think that I do want kids in our future. I'm just not ready for that to be our future yet. But if she really needed to have it now, I could do that for her. "And I want a whole future with you. That's what I was signing up for when we got married. So, yes, I do want that with you...at some point." I pause. "I'm just not sure if I want it yet." I try to study her reaction. "I do want you to have my babies though, Rach, I do. I swear. We're just still so young." Maybe me more than her. "And I'm enjoying where the two of us are right now. And I wanna be selfish and keep you all to myself for a bit longer."
RACHEL
I listen to him carefully, taking in every word, every little expression that crosses his face. He says that he does want us to have a family, just not yet. And I won't lie and say that that wasn't hard to hear, that I'm not the tiniest bit disappointed, but it's still a relief to know that it is something that we can have eventually. I don't blame him for not being ready for it just yet. If he's not ready for it, then I can wait until he is.
He points out that we're still young and I realise that it wouldn't be fair either to steal his youth so soon. I mean, I'm by no means an old lady or anything, but I am quite a few years older, so I have to acknowledge the fact that he needs time to catch up to where I am, to want the same things that I want. Besides, I can't say that his reasoning is not without its merits. I giggle a little when he says that he wants to be selfish and hog me for now.
I snuggle up closer. "Can't say I'm opposed to that," I say with a grin, pressing a small kiss to his chest. I sometimes wish I could do the same though, keep him all to myself. It sometimes seems like the whole wolf business takes up most of his time when he's off work. But that's not something I can begrudge him for, just like how he's never begrudged me for wanting a career. It's a part of who he is, and I love all of him.
"I'm enjoying this too, just you and me. So I can wait," I assure him, pleased that we can have a mature, sensible discussion and come to a reasonable compromise. "I'm just glad that it's what you want too, eventually."
PAUL
I can tell that she's a little disappointed. And I hate being the one to disappoint her, or let her down. I hate it. I want to say, baby, I was just kidding, let's get it on, and make a baby. But then I'd be lying. And I wouldn't be completely happy about it. And then she wouldn't be happy. So it wouldn't be a lie that would help either of us.
But she still seems a little surprised. "Of course I want this with you, baby," I say to her, pulling her closer. "I love you. I love everything about you. And one day I'll be ready for that with you. I would love to know that you have a little part of me growing inside of you. Proof of our union and our love." I kiss her lightly. "And we'll have the best time raising our kids. I know we will."
I pull her closer. "I don't want you to worry that it will never happen or something. Because it will. I promise."
RACHEL
Sometimes it feels like the Paul I know is a completely different guy to the Paul that everyone else knows. The way he speaks to me, the things he says to me… Most of the people we know probably wouldn't believe that he's capable of being so gentle. I mean, I know he can be rough and brutish but hardly ever with me, not on purpose. I'm sure that when he's finally ready to be a father, which he insists he will be someday, he's going to make a great one. And I'll be looking forward to seeing that happen.
His reassurance sets me at ease, it comforts the small part of me that's slightly disappointed. I have no doubt that he's completely sincere, and deep down, I know that when I have his baby, I want him to want it too. I want us to be on the same page when it happens. So yes, I can wait. I can wait, and in the meantime just let myself bask in the warmth and joy that what we have now brings me. "Okay," I say with a contented smile. "I won't." I look up at him, laughing softly. "Sorry for springing this on you first thing in the morning," I apologise, reaching up to stroke his cheek lovingly. But I know he doesn't mind.
PAUL
She brushes my cheek gently with her finger tips and I grin. I love that we can talk about things. And that lately most of the time I don't get too bent out of shape. I reach up and brush my finger tips against her skin before cupping her cheek and pulling her in for a quick kiss. "I don't mind," I say to her softly. "I want you to talk to me. About anything you want to talk about. I love you